


having the blues

by minhos_diamond



Category: K.A.R.D (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA, Alpha Kim Matthew, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Babysitting, Bang Chan & Seo Changbin are Best Friends, Bang Chan-centric, Bottom Bang Chan, Bottom Chan, Boys Kissing, Character Development, Collars, Cuddles, Developing Relationship, Discrimination, Emotional Roller Coaster, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friendship, Group dynamics, Hannah has a prominent role as well, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Bang Chan, Jealous Matt, Jealousy, Justice, Kard will join like really late, Kindergarten love, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, M/M, Matthew Is Whipped, Medicine, Minho is such a savage, Misogyny, OT8, Omega Bang Chan, Parkour, Pheromones, Random Activities, Romance, School Clubs, Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Society criticism, Somin is practically Matt's sis, Stereotypes, Stray Kids Ensemble - Freeform, Strict Parents, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swimming, Swimming Boys, Tattoos, Top Kim Matthew, because Stray Kids are such a sweet and funny group of friends, but trust me, conservative parents, hints on other ships ... somehow (not really significant), prejudices, slowburn, top matthew
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 201,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24184792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhos_diamond/pseuds/minhos_diamond
Summary: Chan seems to be THE perfect Alpha: attractive, strong, brave and ambitious. His hard work is dedicated to his position as head boy. He always stands up for the weak ones and takes measures against any kind of injustice.However, suddenly the test according to his second gender shows the colour blue. Chan's whole world starts to shatter. He tries to fix it by keeping his existence as an Omega quiet. In order to do so he isolates himself more and more. The students' speculations leave him alone with guilt and shame.Matthew tries to pull his childhood friend out of this hole, but how should this work if he himself follows stereotypes to a certain extent? Additionally, the fear of him searching for new friends grows and grows ...[will be continued in march]
Relationships: Bang Chan/Matthew Kim | BM
Comments: 902
Kudos: 1000





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for clicking on this fic and spending your precious time on this. 
> 
> The original was a WooChan fic, so do not be confused about the comments under the chapters. Everything is rewritten now, but since I am just a human being there might be mistakes or things which I did not notice. Feel free to report that! 
> 
> Please watch out for notes before EVERY chapter, so you do not miss important things like announcements or trigger warnings.
> 
> I genuinely hope that you can enjoy this journey with me. If you are a slowburn fan just as me, hop on the train!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLAYLIST:  
> \- [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/571rG1q8WubECf3eBv1QSA?si=QdEsq7PfQQeYbKDIPO0Ofw)   
> \- [Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtCtJE7hswnYDbdbWXim9nR0uOMc5WvZJ)

Cold. 

The floor tiles under his naked feet were cold. Hands clutching desperately onto the brink of the sink. This caused the knuckles turning white. Whiter than his pale skin, which was sticky because of sweat. 

The dark hair hung over his forehead and covered almost his eyes. Being tensed he stared at the strip, which kept slipping deeper into the sink. 

His heart was beating incredibly fast, making him shiver and cramp. It was hardly to describe how overwhelming the sensation was. 

It was a mess containing fear, anger, desperateness and disappointment. He was afraid of realizing the situation and having to face the consequences. 

He gulped heavily and noticed how the first tears were burning in his eyes. 

No, crying was horrible. Crying would make everything real. He could not live on normally. Then everything beautiful which he had built up would be over. His hobbies, his reputation, fucking everything. 

The thought alone was destructive and ate up his brain internally, causing a headache. A cruel headache which would devour him like parasites.

His eyes were opened widely out of shock and sweat beads streamed slowly down over the side of his forehead, moving on to his cheeks until they reached his jawline. Carefully he wiped them away and closed his eyes. 

Cold. 

It was so cold. 

He exhaled once more, while he was trembling, and grabbed after the cursed stripe. It had been a stupid idea to think that he could just buy this test, being in the drug store already. 

He had been thinking that he knew the result. Or that he had at least a clear tendency, which was acknowledged by everybody. Everybody believed to know who he was. 

But how could they say so if Chan himself was not sure?

"Oh, of course you're an Alpha!" 

"Everybody knows who you are. You've proven it many times!" 

"You do have the qualities of an Alpha, no doubt!" 

And now Chan stood here, holding the test which he had used for his visit on the toilet. A tiny but meaningful stripe, confirming that he and everybody else around him were wrong. 

There were three different colours which could be shown on the stripe. 

_ Red for an Alpha. _

_ Green for a Beta.  _

_ And blue for an Omega.  _

Out of anger Chan knocked over the trash can and was about to scrunch up the test. But the information, which he was holding, was too important. Tossing it away would not change anything.

The blue stripe could not be deleted. Even if Chan was not looking at it anymore it would still be present. 

He leaned against the door and began to sob before gliding down to the floor. He pulled in his legs and hid his face between his knees, still gripping the paper between index and middle finger, while sensing the cold within every inch of his body.

His life which he had been knowing until now was officially over. Because of feeling his upcoming switching moods he was sure about his hormones crashing his whole system. It would not take long until he had his tattoo. With his ill-luck it would appear on an obvious spot like his hand or neck. 

If this happened he would be ready to throw himself out of the window. 

"Fuck, okay, calm down." His voice echoed from the walls back, hounding goosebumps along his arms. 

He stood up and got rid of his T-Shirt. Perhaps a bath would be a good idea to calm his nerves. Although he could not wash his worries away. Nevertheless, every little bit of his body was tense. He needed to order his thoughts. 

Chan took off his clothes fully and eyed his body in the mirror. 

Did an Omega look like that? 

Omegas were built fragile and tender. Chan was maybe slim but he was still defined and most importantly strong and robust for his age. There was no chance that he … 

He shivered under this thought and crossed his arms, bending slightly forward. Suddenly it was horrible to look at himself. He was believing to discover more and more flaws. 

Flaws which caused him to not be an Alpha in the end. 

Softly sniffing he wiped his last tears away and began to let in some water into the tub. 

Luckily he was alone. Therefore, nobody had witnessed his outburst. Furthermore, he had some time to drown and suffocate himself into self-pity for not being the person which people expected him to be. 

Slowly Chan sank into the hot water, hissing but still loosening up a little bit. He leaned his head on the brink and stared at the ceiling. 

What would happen? What would change? What could he do? 

He closed his eyes and frowned. Maybe he could stay silent about his second gender the rest of his life. No matter what role he was forced into: Chan was committed to fight for what was important to him. 

But it would be more difficult if everybody saw him with different eyes out of nowhere. It would be unbearable. 

“I don’t want to”, he whispered and sat up. Leisurely he washed his body while staring at the water. 

He had not put soap into it, therefore, a reflection was looking back at him. It was blurry, exactly how he was feeling. 

Fuzzy, false, full of flaws. 

While observing his mirror image he felt his frustration growing, knotting itself to a huge block within his body. 

At this moment Chan promised himself something. He promised himself that nobody could ever know about this secret. 

His eyes formed to slits. 

“Well, now it is just you and me.” 


	2. "Let him do what he wants to do."

Chan had never thought about what he was. He simply knew who he  _ wanted  _ to be. 

He wanted to be a person with passion, goals and most importantly ambition. His will to take risks had resulted in him being the representative of the students at his school. He was proud of it. 

A few years ago his school had exclusively been for boys. Now it was an undenominational school. However, there were still more male students rather than female ones. From time to time inequalities, fights and conflicts appeared. 

Besides from the school needing a renovation, Chan had to stand up for the weak ones day by day. There were sadly enough rebels who thought that they had to splurge their strength. 

The fact that Chan protected the disadvantaged people caused respect. Respect which was normally given to Alphas. Chan was an Alpha in everyone’s view anyways. 

What else could he be? 

How he walked, talked, moved - everything fit perfectly together. 

Therefore, Chan had never thought about the system. As long as he would be accepted and respected everything would be fine. Because like this he could do what he loved: securing fairness and justice. 

“Guys! Matthew has his tattoo!” An excited Felix was jumping to the cafeteria as he pounced upon his friends with the message. 

It was no surprise that Matthew would receive his tattoo as the first one from their group. He was the oldest. Nevertheless, it was still exciting to hear that a student got his tattoo. 

The average age for becoming his tattoo was 17 years. Matthew turned this age last october, but it was not unusual that it took longer for some people. 

Curiously Jisung leaned over the table. “Did you see it?” 

Felix shook his head. “No, he only texted me that he had seen the doctor.” 

Sure. It was still a tattoo, so it needed to be checked how the body reacted to it. Of course it was different from other tattoos since it could shimmer, it was not able of being copied and who knew what else this symbol could do? There were some legends about it but firstly it was something like an ID. It gave the information about the second gender.

“He's never done a test, right?” Changbin asked, eating his sandwich. 

Seungmin shook his head. “As far as I know, he hasn’t. Or else the verification would not have taken so long.” 

“He likes surprises," Chan confirmed and sipped his drink. 

“I think that he’s a Beta," Hyunjin presumed and drummed on the table in excitement. 

Nobody wanted to show it too obviously but everyone was eager to see Matthew’s tattoo. It was a little highlight in their daily school lives. It would not only be interesting for Matthew’s friends but also for other students, no matter how well they knew him. 

“Really? I could see him as an Alpha tho," Jeongin returned and drank his strawberry milk. 

Hyunjin thought about it for a few moments. “Well, now that you say it … It’s just that Betas appear more often. And he doesn’t seem like the typical Alpha.”

Chan shrugged. “So? Still waters run deep. I suppose he could be a … special Alpha.” 

A sigh escaped Hyunjin’s mouth. “You and your wise sayings. Could you suppress your Socrates once in a while?” 

Seungmin groaned, obviously being annoyed. “Hyunjin, there were way more philosophers than Socrates. Stop comparing Chan Hyung with him every time.” 

Defensively but with a grin on his face Hyunjin lifted his hands. “Okay, okay, got it.” 

Further discussions were not possible because Matthew appeared within the next moment. 

Some people got even silent and looked after him, starting to whisper. They were not nasty but really curious, so it was nothing to be worried about. Of course it was needed to talk about it because the symbol set many things: an important part of your identity and the prospect of development. It was a sign of growing up. Many people were proud of it, especially if it was an Alpha symbol. 

There was no strong hierarchy in this society. It was more an act out of respect. 

Being agitated the boys waved at Matthew so he could discover his friends faster. A warm smile appeared on his lips while he was walking towards them. 

“Come on, show us!”, Jisung yelled impatiently and jiggled on his seat, so Chan had to lay a hand on his shoulder in order to calm him down. 

Matthew took his seat and greeted his friends. He was expectantly being watched. 

“Where is it?” Felix questioned. 

“I hope you don’t have to undress yourself to show us," Changbin commented.

Matthew laughed and shook his head. “It is pretty obvious.” He turned his head slightly to expose the side of his neck. 

The symbol meandered beneath his ear across the skin to the crook of his neck. It was ornate but what was more eye-catching was the crown which bent in a slight bow over the greek letter. 

No doubt: It was an Alpha symbol. 

“Shit," Hyunjin cursed. 

“So you were wrong," Seungmin teased. 

“Who cares. Look at how hot this looks.” 

Silence. Then laughter. 

Matthew blushed slightly but maybe it was imagination. 

“Next one is Chan, for sure”, Minho said and nibbled some crackers before passing the box to Jisung, who accepted gladly. 

“Right. Do you want to test yourself?” Hyunjin asked. 

Chan tapped his chin, giving it a thought. Yes, he had never actually cared about his second gender although everyone was sure that he was an Alpha. But seeing Matthew with his symbol, he got kind of interested. He wondered where his tattoo would appear. 

Matthew looked extremely good with his like Chan had to admit. 

“I don’t know. It's not that important, I guess.” Chan stirred his soup with a spoon and pressed his lips together. 

“You don’t have to test yourself. I think that your hormones are about to kick in anyways”, Seungmin speculated, “I mean, you will be seventeen soon.” 

“Chan is an Alpha anyways," Hyunjin stated, grinning, and stood up, “See you later, swim captain.” 

Chan nodded. “Don’t be late again or else you’ll be responsible for cleaning up.” 

Hyunjin hit his own chest with both hands, obviously totally in shock, and sighed dramatically before rolling his eyes. Then, he left the table. 

“We have to go as well," Jisung said and pulled Felix’s sleeve to abduct his best friend. 

“We’ll meet later," Chan returned and got up too since he did not want to be late for his next class, which Minho and Matthew had also to visit. 

It did not matter what subject Chan had. He was good at everything - and this was not exaggerated at all. The teachers liked him just as the students liked him. It was a healthy balance as a head boy and he was good at differencing various matters. Being a social butterfly helped a lot. 

“We will begin with our unit about the ABO system," history teacher Mrs. Kwon explained, writing the headline on the blackboard. 

The students unpacked their bags to get their folders and began to copy the notes. They seemed pretty unmotivated. Probably because the issue was discussed by many. Therefore, nobody wanted to talk about it anymore since it was usually always the same. 

“Come on, guys. Stop making faces.” Kwon crossed her arms and furrowed her eyebrows. “I'm sure that only a few of you know the origin of the system. You live only in the moment but forget as well all the lessons which we can get out of our past!” 

Minho leaned in Chan’s direction and whispered: “Well, usually people say that we shouldn’t live in the past. But of course Kwon has a different opinion, you can already notice by her clothing style.” 

Matthew, who had heard the comment by coincidence, had to suppress a laughter and tried to maintain the serious look on his face. 

Chan smirked and pushed Minho back to his seat before both of them could get scolded. 

“Surely, you know many legends and stories about the tattoos," Kwon started and sat down behind her desk, “Tell me some that you know.” 

After having given the task quite a lot of students actually raised their hands. Some stories which they had caught from the Internet or books or tellings were shared. 

As Chan was listening he noticed that this issue was kind of romanticized. Especially the girls were nearly blooming with this topic and had a lot more to say than the boys. He also found it interesting but still not important. He would have never found it important whether he was a boy or a girl, so why should he care about his second gender? 

Still, it was hard sometimes as people stressed that Chan was born to lead, to order, to carry responsibilities. Mainly they drew a connection between his character trades and his second gender. 

“Yeah, everything sounds interesting," Kwon confirmed, “There's still no evidence that our genes are programmed to manufacture our tattoos. But it's certain what functions those tattoos have.” She grabbed her book. “Please open up your book on page 78.” 

“Hey, I’ve forgotten my book," Matthew whispered, “Can we share yours?” 

Chan nodded and came nearer, so both of them could take a look into his book. 

Someone started reading out a paragraph about the system being originally from the wildlife. In the meantime Chan got distracted by the tattoo which he could see at the corner of his eye. From time to time he looked at Matthew’s neck and admired the noble embellishments. 

Officially the society was “modern” now. In conclusion there were no differences between Alphas, Betas and Omegas anymore but the tattoo confirmed that it had not always been like this. 

“Chan? Can you continue?” Kwon suddenly asked him. 

Chan flinched slightly and nodded.  _ “As soon as the humans began to become sedentary it was not necessary to interact between the frames of the hierarchical principles of the ancient ABO system. Nevertheless, Alphas had been maintaining their role as protectors for a long time, for example by hunting, while Omegas used to be at home, cooking, sewing clothes and taking care of the children. The Betas were known as the “mixed group” and were flexible with their duties. 300 years later the strict rules were loosened up slowly. Consequently, humanity organized itself into new civilizations.” Chan finished the paragraph.  _

Then, the teacher told them to do the first three exercises which could be done alone or with a partner. 

“Isn’t it weird that we still have the tattoos?” Chan murmured while taking some notes. 

Matthew shrugged slightly. “I think they have kind of a symbolic power. Maybe we have them as kind of a memento.”

“Yeah, of hierarchy. That’s exactly the reason why there are still so many conservative people out there. And it's also the reason why some boys in this school think that they're superior just because Omegas are usually female.” At the end Chan sounded a little bit snappy, pressing the tip of his pen onto the paper.

“Hey," Matthew answered calmly, “I didn't mean it like this.” 

Chan blushed a little bit, being ashamed. “I know, sorry.” He continued his work and finished the first task. 

“Not so fast! I haven't even started.” Being amused Matthew giggled and did the tasks as well. 

The double lesson went over surprisingly fast. 

“Are you going to help your mother today?” Minho asked Matthew who nodded. 

“Yes, or else it takes her forever to stake the boxes in the storage.”

“Well, I have dance lessons, so I am going to go home to eat something.” Minho raised his hand to say goodbye. “But we can meet later.” Then, he disappeared. 

“If you want to I can show up later at the swim hall. I can pick Seungmin up too," Matthew suggested. 

“Sounds great.” Chan hugged Matthew shortly before leaving. “Later!” He had to hurry because he had to open the indoor swimming pool, which needed to be cleaned. 

The swimming pool was not only used by the school because it had enough space. Therefore, there were courses from time to time. Every week there was also one for children but somehow the people could never clean up - for whatever reason. Chan had been complaining for quite a while but still nothing had changed so far. 

Quickly he got into his jammers and opened the doors to the actual pool. As expected there were swim rings, swim fins, swim noodles and other stuff, which he carried into the store.

He finished as fast as he could - not a second too early since he could already hear voices, probably coming from Hyunjin and Felix. Both came usually first after Chan. 

Apart from them Changbin was another member of the team. Seungmin was - as already mentioned - a member of the choir, but he had joined the baseball team too, because they did not train on wednesdays like other clubs. Their training was on Fridays, adapting to the captain’s schedule who was in highschool. Jeongin and Jisung were in the baseball team as well. 

As soon as the rest of the group had joined Chan started the session with warming up. He was genuinely proud of his group, which had been forming over the last few years. 

Actually the swimming pool had been used for lessons in school solely until he had come up with the idea of a swim team. There were national competitions for schools and earning money by sponsoring was great because the school would have more opportunities to offer events. 

The relay was Chan’s favourite discipline because he loved team activities. Those moments of connection in the water were touching just as liberating. It gave him the sense of them being different but equal at the same time. 

In the end everyone had wishes which they wanted to become true. 

"Alright, only three weeks until the first competition," Chan announced, "We have to organize the participants within the different disciplines." He started noting down the names on the paper of the clipboard. "100 metres races: Jinyoung's going to do backstroke, Hyunjin breastroke, Felix butterfly and I'm going to participate in freestyle. Jiwon and I are the only ones who are going to do the 200 metres races as well with me as freestyle swimmer while Jiwon is going to do butterfly." 

Of course not all the members were included but some of them had joined just this year. Others did not want to participate since they did not feel ready, so they preferred to cherish their mates. 

"Participants for the relay: Hyunjin, Felix, Changbin and me. Everything's clear?" 

Nobody seemed dissatisfied or unhappy. Therefore, Chan was glad about his choices. 

"We're done," he said later on and bowed down slightly, "Thank you for coming." He turned around and discovered Seungmin and Matthew, who were standing at the door. 

"Perfect timing!", Hyunjin shouted, approaching them. 

Chan put away his notes and joined the three of them. "Yeah, just in time." He realized that Matthew was smiling and staring at him simultaneously. "What?"

"Nothing. I am just fascinated how pale you are. Makes me wonder where it is inherited from." Being amused Matthew's eyes lingered on Chan's torso. Chan's defined body was an unique aesthetic. 

"When Matthew's finished with checking Chan out we can go, right?" Seungmin interrupted them and stepped aside as the other members of the swim team wanted to go into the locker room. 

Matthew clicked with his tongue and patted Seungmin's shoulder. 

Chan laughed slightly before brushing past his friends since he needed to shower as well. 

Felix was already finished with changing into his clothes. Then he practically sprinted out of the room. 

The others met Matthew and Seungmin outside. Surprisingly Minho and Jeongin were with them. 

"Oh already back from training?" Chan inquired and gave Minho a high five. Jeongin received some patting on his head. 

"Yeah, got home real quick before coming here," Minho told, "Matt's called me and said that everyone wanted to do something together. But Jisung and Felix are on detention." 

Chan sighed. No wonder that Felix had to hurry up. "What have they done this time?" 

"They used the transport boards of the janitor to skate through the hallways," Jeongin reported, "They came across with Thong just like ...  _ WOOOOSH _ . Of course they would receive detention. It's still Thong." 

He grinned, showing his braces which he had gotten just last week. Firstly, he had not been liking them at all until everyone cooed at him, saying that they were genuinely cute. Since then he had been stopping to complain about them. 

"Alright, what are we going to do?" Hyunjin questioned and clapped with his hands. 

"I don't know … Somehow we always end up doing the same," Changbing replied, seeming a tad bored already. 

Chan nodded in agreement. "Mayhaps we should pick a hobby for the whole group", he suggested, half jokingly. 

"Actually, this doesn't sound bad," Matthew said, "But I don't have any ideas."

The group left the school grounds, on their way to the centre of the city. It was easy to get there, walking required only 15 minutes. They could have taken the bus but the weather was amazing and they liked to be outdoors. The chatting of the group set a good mood as they were walking along the streets. 

Chan was at the end of the group, smiling. He liked to simply listen to the others and preferred to watch out, so that nobody could get lost. Still he needed to stop for a second as he could observe a young man who gave splendid flowers to a woman. 

She squeaked happily and wrapped her arms around the other’s neck. 

Chan blushed and turned his head away since he had the feeling that he had been staring too much, which would disturb the intimacy. 

“Everything’s alright?” Changbin asked after having noticed that Chan had to catch up with the group. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” He risked a glance shortly again. “Sweet, isn’t it? 

Changbin shrugged. “Well, it is the mating season. Every Alpha and every Omega goes nuts at this time.” He brushed his hair strands out of the forehead. “I still hope that I’ll end up as Beta. I could not stand this chaos.” 

Chan was amused at this reaction and placed his arm around Changbin’s shoulders. “Yeah, fits you a lot better.” 

They arrived finally in the city and got comfortable in the market place because there were many seats. Additionally, there was a huge, eyesome fountain just as other buildings which could be admired. There was always a lot happening here since the shopping street led through this place as well. 

Hyunjin traced along Matthew’s tattoo with his fingers. “Wow, it looks even better from this perspective”, he commented and was obviously awestruck. 

“It's just a small tattoo," Matthew said with a smile, “No need to be that excited about it.” 

“How have you been feeling during the process?”, Seungmin asked curiously. 

“It was like my skin was on fire”, Matthew murmured, “It hurt a lot but it always depends on the person. The pain had been over quickly but afterwards I needed to rest for quite a while.”

Hyunjin nudged Chan. “Are you already excited? You could test yourself.”

“Why should he if you're already convinced that he is an Alpha," Seungmin grumbled. 

“I’ve read somewhere that it could trigger the process. So if you see the colour of an Alpha on the strip of the test your tattoo will appear faster. It’ll be even faster if you see a doctor. It would look so cool if you had your tattoo on the championship!” Hyunjin jounced Chan enthusiastically. 

Chan laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, it would.” 

“Let him do what he wants to do," Changbin said, “Everyone can decide however they want to.” Normally he was not really chatty but even he had to say something about this topic. After this comment it was possible to talk about something else.

Nevertheless, the opportunity to do a test was still stuck in Chan’s head. 

  
  



	3. “Well, you two are a dream team.”

“Guys, I have an idea!”, Felix announced and put an article on the table. 

Immediately everyone bowed over the magazine and frowned. 

“Horseshoe tossing?” Seungmin asked sceptically. 

“Huh?” Felix turned the article around and gasped. “Wrong page!” he explained nearly in panic and turned the pages before showing the other side. “This is what I meant!”

Once again everyone took a look. 

“Ahhh, parkour,” Hyunjin said, “Makes much more sense.” 

Felix nodded in excitement. “There’s been a discussion about a collective hobby. And this is a perfect group activity, especially when you have to help each other to surpass barriers. Besides, I think that it's really cool.” 

“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking about a hobby to do outside,” Chan explained and scratched the back of his head, “We sit in school the whole day, the whole week.”

“Yeyeh, we can do this outside. We’ll visit some lessons to learn the basics and then we can do it on the streets”, Felix returned. 

Jisung seemed to be thrilled about his suggestion. “Yes! There are great places in the city. The park, the alleys … nearly everywhere! There are many opportunities on the streets.” 

Both of them high fived each other. It showed that they were basically on an equal level. Sometimes it was like telepathy, it was like they could hear each other’s thoughts. 

“Actually it doesn’t sound too bad,” Changbin commented, causing everyone to turn their heads around. He was not known for showing interest in any spontaneous ideas because he was flexible and just got along. Not because he was forced to. It simply did not matter to him what they did as long as he could spend time with his friends. 

“Well, then we should sign up for a few lessons,” Matthew decided while reading the offer. “If we participate as a group we will receive a discount. Eight persons required.”

“No problem for us,” Jeongin said. He obviously liked the idea.

Chan sighed and smiled. “Okay, if everyone feels like doing it I'll call the club this afternoon.” He grabbed the magazine and looked at Felix. “Can I take this with me?” 

His Aussie mate nodded hence the magazine was put into Chan’s bag. 

“Great that it’s settled!” Felix glanced at the clock. “Oh, break’s over. We should go, religion takes place on the third floor.” 

Jisung, Seungmin and Hyunjin nodded. Therefore, the younger part of the group left the table. 

“What about you?”, Chan asked Jeongin. 

“My afternoon sessions are canceled,” he said. 

“Lucky you,” Minho whined, “We have PE.” 

Matthew comforted him by patting his shoulder. “It’s not that horrible.” He brought his serving tray away and grabbed his sports bag.

“If we do track and field it will be more than horrible. The calculations for the marks are pretty much for the olympics”, Minho complained and packed in his stuff. 

This fact could not be denied but there was no sense in whining or complaining, so the three oldest made their way to the gym. In the meantime Changbin had to visit his history class. 

Chan was able to decrease his frustration by doing sports. He kept thinking about the next conference of the school council. 

He loved being in the school council. The people were super nice, always supporting him. 

There were many students who tried to impose Chan. He was always friendly (except when he had to be harsh as soon as someone broke the rules), however, he trusted just a small group of people. 

Other than his friends this kind of group was the school council. Changbin was a member as well. Maybe this was the reason why Chan felt so safe around them. 

Nevertheless, his work caused stress since there was always a little bit of agitation. And they needed to talk about various matters again and again. 

“Chan, pass!” Matthew shouted and waved with his hands. 

Chan dribbled shortly to brush past his enemy. Then he threw over the basketball to Matthew.

Matthew accepted and shot the ball successfully from the 3-point-line. 

The teacher blew the whistle and the game was over. 

“Well done!”

“That was amazing, Matt!”

“You have practically the eyes of an eagle!” 

Chan had already noticed that Matthew had been receiving a lot of compliments since he got his tattoo. It did not matter what exactly he did because suddenly everything about him was so amazing and great.

To be honest Chan was a little bit mad. Matthew had been an amazing person all the time, so why were people interested in him now ? 

He crossed his arms and tilted his head, observing the scenario sceptically. 

“Does something bother you?” Minho asked, “Is it because of Matt getting praised?” 

“What? No way. It’s just so annoying how people behave. They should stop treating him like a god just because of his Alpha symbol. Matt doesn’t need it”, Chan grumbled and pulled at his headband. 

Matthew went past those people and came to Chan, grinning. “Hey, hey, Captain. Your pass was impressive. Nice template.”

And this was great about Matthew as well. He was humble down to earth but in such a lovely and honest way. He never degraded his own achievements. However, he still preferred to make compliments anyways.

“Well, you two are a dream team,” Minho commented with a smirk on his face.

“You think so?” Chan asked, laughing slightly and smiling at Matthew. 

“At least you are compatible in sports,” Minho confirmed and brushed past his friends since the teacher whistled again in order to remind him that the game on the other side was not finished yet. Although Minho was a substitute he had to stand at the side of the field until the game was over. 

Matthew nudged Chan playfully. “I hope that we two are also compatible in other ways.” His tone was soft and somehow it made Chan’s stomach flutter. 

“In my point of view we do.” Chan chuckled. 

* * *

Chan knocked with his hand on the table to silence the room. “Guys, not everyone at the same time. Jinyoung, please start.” 

Jinyoung stood up and flicked through his papers before picking one. “There are students complaining about the gym not being cleaned up. I think that it's the fault of the martial arts club.” 

“Oh great, every week it’s the same,” Momo’s voice echoed from the corner of the room. She gnashed her teeth, obviously annoyed by the topic. 

“I’ve already spoken with them,” Chan said, “But their attitude doesn’t change.” 

“I guess you have to be harsher. You’re young, you should be tough enough,” Momo encouraged. 

Chan let his shoulders hang. “That’s true but it would be obviously ridiculous to carry a whip, watching out that they really clean up.” 

Changbin nodded in agreement. “We have to find a compromise. I mean, they do a lot for our school. They’ve won many competitions.” 

“So, should we offer something?” Doowon asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“That idea might be not that stupid. I’ll think about it,” Chan returned and noted down the suggestion. “Next point?” 

“Renovation of the school yard. And well, of many other things around this rotten school.” 

“Isn’t Mark supposed to do something? He is responsible for financial matters.” Chan frowned. 

“He’s ill today,” Changbin explained. 

Therefore, this matter had also to be postponed. 

They talked about other topics, for example the dysfunctional vending machine of the cafeteria just as the offers of school parties. Half an hour later everything was settled - more or less. Consequently, the members of the student council left the room. 

Chan remained at the table, sorting letters of students to take them into his folder. Furthermore, he wrote a To-Do-List for applications, meetings and certain phone calls which had to be done. 

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“Changbin, why are you still here?” he asked after having looked up shortly. 

“I wanted to talk with you.” 

That sounded serious. 

Chan put his pen aside and turned to his best friend on his chair. 

“Chan, I think it’s getting too much for you. Many things are a little bit messed up. It’s also mating season. The school will be in chaos anyways”, Changbin started the issue. 

Chan waved like it did not matter. “I’ll manage.” 

“I’ve been thinking about a vice president,” Changbin continued, “You need someone who challenges you while supporting you in important decisions. I cannot guarantee this kind of support.” 

“But there’s no one else in this school council whom I can trust enough. As long as there's no suitable person I'll manage everything by myself.” The conversation was over for him. He did not like the topic.

He was not the solo type. Nevertheless, he was a person who chose his surroundings wisely since he wanted to have a competent and fair group of people. If there was someone who should be his vice president this person would need a high level of not only competence but also reliability. 

“However, I should go,” Chan said, “I need to pick Hannah up.” He packed his stuff and left the classroom after having said goodbye to Changbin. 

* * *

“Chris!” 

Hannah ran to her big brother and hugged him enthusiastically. 

Chan kneeled down and held her tightly, preventing her from falling down from being too hasty. He lifted her up and pressed his nose into the crook of her neck, sighing in comfort. After this harsh day it felt good to see his little angel. She had a calming effect on him. 

“How has your day been?” he asked, looking at her soft face.

“Great! We made some animals out of paper. I did Berry!” she told excitedly, wrapping her arms around Chan’s neck because she was sliding down. 

“Show me later,” Chan said with a smile on his face.

The other kids were picked up by their parents. Chan had been doing this for a year since his mother had a complicated working schedule. She would need to make a detour to drive from work to Hannah's kindergarten. His father was busy 24/7 anyways hence he was not seen that often at home. As soon as Chan and Hannah would arrive at home their mother would be there as well. 

The kindergarten was near to Chan’s school. Therefore, it was no problem for him to drive with his bike. Additionally, Hannah was a well-behaved girl.

“Are you very hungry or can you wait? I have to go shopping,” Chan explained. 

Hannah seemed to think about it, tapping her chin. It was so cute to watch her actually pondering about this simple question as she had to concentrate on this life-depending decision. “Yeah, we can go shopping!” 

“Great, let’s go.” Chan let her down and took her hand to lead her to his bicycle. A group of mothers were passing by. 

“Aww, that's so sweet.”

“I wish my son would pick my daughter up from time to time.”

“So young yet so responsible!”

Sheepishly Chan rubbed the back of his neck and opened the lock. Then he took off his jacket and placed it on the carrier, so Hannah could sit on it. She was used to it hence Chan did not need to give safety instructions. He had been making sure that Hannah would not stick her feet out or tuck her fingers into the wheel until she promised to pay attention. 

They drove off to the supermarket nearby. There was a drugstore next to it as well.

Chan was buying everything on the list, holding Hannah's hand. He was still paranoid although he knew that his siblings were usually chill. Nevertheless, it would be still a complete horror scenario to lose Hannah. 

He got vegetables, fruits, rice, noodles and bread. While they were shopping he had to come up with several arguments against Hannah’s wishes since she wanted to have all kinds of sweets. It was really hard to resist her. 

“Okay, I’ll buy you one chocolate bar”, he offered as a compromise, “But I don’t want you to eat too many sweets before dinner. And please, don’t tell mom.” 

Immediately she nodded and kissed Chan’s cheek before heading to the shelves at the checkout to inspect the selection. 

Once again Chan checked the list and realized that they needed toilet paper, which would be impractical to transport. But somehow they would manage. 

“Hannah, we have to go to the drugstore afterwards”, Chan announced. 

“Okay!” His little sister chose one bar and put it on the assembly line.

Chan paid and stuffed as much as possible into his backpack, the rest came into the cloth bag, which he could hang around the handlebar of his bike.

Afterwards they went to the drugstore to get the toilet paper. Chan paused, thinking whether they needed something else which had not been listed. 

Hannah was looking at the hair accessories, so Chan did not want to disturb her. Instead he was using the time to travel through the hygiene area, hoping that he did not forget anything. 

He stopped. 

Between the shelf of makeup and various packages of cream for the face, the hands and the body there was a shelf of ABO tests. 

There were many different ones since there were also many different brands. Even specifically for boys and girls although Chan was convinced that it had something to do with the marketing. The tests functioned like a pregnancy test, so what should be the difference? 

Well, he had not properly paid attention in biology back then because it had not been in his interest. But now it was different. 

He was not able to look away and started inspecting the packages. Slowly he approached the shelf and read through the texts of the products. They contained the probability of correct results. 

Going to a doctor would be the safest option but only a few took it. Somehow it was not something which you would do. Maybe it was because people felt uncomfortable, so they preferred to check their gender by themselves. 

Chan swallowed. Suddenly he had to think about becoming seventeen soon, so there was not much time left. People would pester him until he would tell them about his second gender. At least that would be the case if his tattoo appeared in a hidden place. And even if it was hidden: He was still a member of the swim club. It would not last for long until people would find out. 

Would it not be better to be mentally prepared then? 

His mother was a Beta, his father an Alpha. The probability that he came out as an Alpha himself was set high. And even if he became a Beta it would be not that bad. Not as impressive as an Alpha status but he did not care about it. He could maintain his position as a school president. He had been building this position over years. 

He could just easily …

Shortly he risked a glance at Hannah before stuffing three different tests into his bag. However, the test did not guarantee a correct result anyways. 

“Hannah, you finished?” Chan called his sister. 

“Yes,” she replied and came to Chan. 

Together they stood in the queue for the checkout, putting the goods on the assembly line. Feverishly Chan was thinking about how he could smuggle the tests past his sister. She was young, very curious and most importantly not dumb. Unfortunately she was a chatterbox which could tell their mother everything (except it was something like keeping the buy of certain chocolate bars as a secret). 

“Let’s play  _ I SPY _ , ‘kay?” he suggested and smiled at his sister, “You start.” 

Based on experience he knew that Hannah was a little perfectionist, especially at this game, and she wanted to choose something which would be hard to discover (if there were championships for this game she would easily break any record). 

Ardently she nodded and turned her head to check the store, looking away from Chan. 

Hastily Chan placed the tests on the package of toilet paper and slid the money over to the cashier before filling the bag. 

He had just finished as Hannah turned around again. “Here’s nothing good”, she grumbled with a pout on her face. 

“It’s okay, we can play another time. Or at a better place,” he comforted her and grabbed the toilet paper, “Do you want to carry this?”

She took the package and jumped out of the store. 

Chan sighed, relieved. That had been tougher than any undercover mission.

* * *

The dinner was passing by calmly because Hannah was always thoughtful at this time, not really in the mood to talk to anybody. 

Lucas was a good boy although he liked to smear his porridge over the whole table. But as soon as he was full and satisfied he would usually get really sleepy. 

After having finished eating Hannah was allowed to leave the table. In the meantime their mother was taking Lucas to bed. 

Chan waited until she was back. 

“Chan, I’ve been thinking about a sleepover for your birthday. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your friends over for a party?” she said, sitting down at the table again, “I mean, it would be no problem to have a buffet. And if we push the sofas aside there’ll be enough space to watch movies and to sleep in the living room. We have mattresses in the basement too.”

Chan sighed slightly, shoving his plate away. “I don’t know if I want to celebrate.” 

“But Chan, it’s your seventeenth birthday!” 

Of course it was an important birthday. It would set that his hormones would crush in, defining his body, his personality and his mind in a new way. It was like a puberty in puberty. An exciting time, also known as the process of self-discovery. 

“I know but I don’t feel like celebrating.”

His mother looked at him worried. “If you want to talk about it, then …”

“God, no. Mom, we have this kind of education in school.” 

Sie laughed. “Yeah, okay, you’re right. But … out of my own experience I know that people usually throw simple facts at you. It's also about your mind and your feelings. You’ll only understand if you are actually in this phase. And you cannot be prepared enough.” 

Chan was not prepared at all. He was afraid of this phase. Things were fine like how they were right now. 

Hearing his mother talking about this topic seriously was unusual. It had never been a big issue in this family and he was thankful for that. But now he was getting sick because it was just so much at the same time. 

“It doesn't matter what you’ll become, Chan. You are and will remain as you. There will be a lot of changes but they have a certain meaning”, she continued, smiling. 

Chan listened attentively. “But … I’ll become a Beta or an Alpha, won’t I?” 

His mother pulled a wry face. “This whole heritage thing is quite complicated. The school’s education is not that detailed. Your second gender is as open as everyone else’s.” 

Chan’s eyes widened. “You don’t mean that there’s a chance of me becoming an Omega, right?” His mouth dried off. 

She furrowed her eyebrows, frowning. “That is … indeed very unlikely,” she said, hesitating, “Come on, help me clean up. We can watch television if you want to.” 


	4. "You annoy me way too much."

The tests had been in the drawer of Chan's bedside table for days.

It was ridiculous how scared he was of them, but he could not help looking at the packs nervously as soon as he saw them. He had often tried to take one of the tests with him when he needed to go to the bathroom, but each time he left the pack as it was.

The nightmare was when he opened the drawer for the umpteenth time and realized that the packages were in the wrong order.

His mother had probably looked for something in his room and then discovered the tests, taken them out and put them back.

He wanted to run to her immediately and tell her that she should not sniff his room in the future, but he did not dare to do that either. Otherwise he would have to talk to her about this ABO thing and he really had no nerve for it.

So he was silent and went to school as if everything was normal. All kinds of posters were hanging in school to cheer on the swimming team. In two weeks the competitions would begin and some students were excited about it because it was about the qualification for the National School Championship.

No matter where you went as a swimmer, everyone said:

"Good luck!"

"You're already rocking it."

"I will definitely come to watch!"

The popularity of the swimming team was once again fully felt here and that was nice on the one hand, but annoying on the other. Chan wanted to avoid distractions and realized that this made it easy for his group to lose focus.

"But it's great that the people support you," Minho said while they were sitting in the schoolyard and watching the clouds.

You would think it would be boring, but it was the opposite. Especially when Felix and Jisung discussed whether the cloud looked like a rabbit on a bike or a dragon with a tutu.

"It is, but it also distracts," Chan muttered, tilting his head back, "I see a flower."

"A daisy," Matthew said.

"Yes, exactly." Chan smiled at him, causing the older man to smile too.

"We'll make it," Hyunjin said, nudging Chan gently, "The relay's our thing and we'll win with it!" He put his head on the other's shoulder.

"You'll do a great job," Matthew confirmed, "We will come and cheer you on."

"With huge posters!" Jisung said and made a movement which was supposed to imitate the waving of flags.

Chan exhaled exaggeratedly. "Oh no, you are embarrassing! ”

Thereupon the boys laughed and teased each other a little bit until the bell rang. So they went back inside.

On the way there, Chan remembered something. "By the way, I signed us up for a course. It's a bit spontaneous, but all of you are free this afternoon, aren't you? ”

Approving murmurs and nods confirmed the statement, which also set what else they were doing today.

"Finally we're going to do something else than hanging around," Changbin claimed, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Yes, I'm afraid of the day where all of you get on my nerves," Seungmin stated, whereupon outraged shouts from the others followed.

Chan made a soothing gesture. “Kids, be quiet. ” A cheeky grin flitted across his face. He always found it funny to tease his friends by sometimes acting like a father with them and fixing everything as soon as there was trouble.

“Yes, dad. And who is the mom?" Changbin asked.

Almost automatically everyone looked at Matthew, who seemed a little bit confused.

"No, Matthew's the dad."

"So Chan's the mom?"

"Difficult question."

Chan laughed. “No way, I’m a single parent.”

“Wow, you got rejected,” Minho said teasingly and nudged Matthew. 

He just shrugged like he was entirely powerless in this situation.

It was not that Chan did not trust Matthew. He was a good Hyung after all, it was just that he had more of a big brother vibe to the others. Maybe he was too relaxed in some aspects to be compared to a father figure. It was hard to explain.

“Nooo, I’m just used to getting things done on my own,” Chan defended him.

Matthew smiled. “Yeah, we know that, Sir Leader.”

* * *

In class, Chan was able to pretend that everything was the same as always. He involved himself into the lesson to improve his oral mark and was able to push his ego a little. Because at school he was the strongest. It was the place where little dreams came true, not only because of his popularity and leadership.

People were inspired. They started to engage themselves so that this place developed a better climate. And to see the community flourish, inspired Chan.

Of course, there were these little groups which got on his nerves, but it was a minority.

After class, Chan saw a girl who was urged by four boys in the corridor to do the cleaning in the classroom.

"But I have ballet classes, unfortunately I can't do the cleaning," she said intimidated and pressed her bag - probably with her ballet equipment - onto her chest, while she seemed to sink further and further into the ground.

"Oh, you can skip that," one of the boys replied with a grin and tried to push the broom into her hand. The others gathered around her and crowded closer and closer, so that the circle narrowed.

Chan walked forward without hesitation and joined the conflict: "Nothing is skipped here."

Everyone immediately turned to him.

"Better hurry up," Chan said, "or you'll be late." His words were accompanied by a smile. Nevertheless, his posture did not promise mild handling.

The girl nodded with a thankful expression before ducking away from one of the boys' arms and quickly running away.

"And once again the head boy comes and has to show off his authority." So it was Junhyeok.

Of course.

He and Chan had often gotten into disputes since Junhyeok was older and did not want a younger head boy to dictate anything. Actually, he should have graduated last year, but had to repeat, making the age difference even bigger.

Enough reason to reject Chan as an authority figure.

"Junhyeok, when are you finally understanding that you can't treat others like this just because they don't belong to your gang?" Chan put his hands in his pockets and cocked his head slightly to one side. His eyes formed to slits.

"Our school was way better off without you. It was clear that everything would turn into a disaster just because this is now a community school. ”

Chan crossed his arms and smiled. "If you weren't so damn misogynistic, I would invite you to the school council."

Because Junhyeok was not stupid. He repeated the year, but only because of his behavioral mark. From the way he spoke, Chan noticed that he had reasoning skills and was able to express himself eloquently.

But Chan could not accept Junhyeok's discriminating views.

"You annoy me way too much," Junhyeok grumbled and rolled his eyes, "I'd rather start being nice to women."

Chan then laughed bitterly and twirled one of his curls with his index finger. "You are really charming. Everyone knows that you like boys. ”

Interestingly, Junhyeok did not even flinch. Instead, he just smiled with a slightly sour expression. "Oh, you're so tolerant," he said with a slight growl, "my sexuality should be alright then, hm?"

Chan blushed a little. That was the bad thing about Junhyeok. He was so damn unpredictable. He was also quick-witted and always so unimpressed by everything Chan did in return.

Chan rarely felt like he wanted to bite his tongue after saying something, but Junhyeok pushed him there all the time (even if Chan did not want to admit it).

This time Chan left the conversation like this, although he did not really want to let Junhyeok have the last word. "Just stop doing such bullshit in the future," he added spontaneously, and it was clear that the other person had won this conversation.

They both knew that.

Junhyeok rolled his eyes and went away with his group.

* * *

There were no major incidents during the rest of the day. Chan also tried not to think of Junhyeok anymore, but he should have expected that Changbin's keen eyes would not miss a thing.

They waited for the others in front of the parkour hall when Changbin spoke to him: "You look kind of frustrated."

"What? Nonsense,” Chan replied, waving like it did not matter.

Changbin raised his eyebrow and pursed his lips as a sign that he did not feel like tingling any information out of Chan now. He was simply not the type for it.

Chan knew that too, which is why he sighed heavily. "It's Junhyeok."

"Oh, the one you'd like secretly to have as Vice president."

Chan winced in confusion and felt the heat of embarrassment rise in him. “Bullshit. He's completely stupid.” He scraped his foot nervously forth and back. 

He had never explicitly said that he thought of Junhyeok as suitable, but of course Changbin saw through his thoughts even before he did it himself.

Almost a little amused, Changbin folded his arms and clicked his tongue. "You said yourself that nobody knows the school as well as he does."

"Yes, because he's been around for a long time," Chan defended himself, but when he looked at Changbin, he knew that it was not necessary to pretend anything. "I'm somehow so damn sure that his misogynist way is a scam because he is an alpha, and he pays for the favor of others. He knows exactly how he can influence people.”

This could be fatal on the one hand, but on the other hand you could use it for a lot of positive things. Being able to convince and move people was not a bad thing in and of itself.

Chan looked around a little uneasily, as if he was afraid that somebody could eavesdrop them. "And that would be so useful for the school board. He could bargain well, talk to students ... His opinions are, apart from misogyny, kind of smart.”

There was silence between them as Changbin processed the words.

"You like him," it escaped from him dryly.

Suddenly Chan mutated into a tomato. He really hated his pale skin for that. "What are you talking about?" His heart was pounding wildly.

"Secretly you like to verbally fight with him."

"Changbin, I-"

"Well, love surely goes where it wants. ”

Before Chan could reply, they heard a familiar voice: "Whose love goes where?"

It was Hyunjin who showed up with Seungmin.

Chan immediately shook his head and quickly choked the subject off with a "Nobody's!" That worked quite well, too, because the rest were coming in; first Matthew and Minho and then Felix, Jisung and Jeongin.

"Let's finally go inside," Chan suggested to completely distract them from the topic, which worked amazingly well.

Together they entered the hall and registered themselves at the info desk, changed clothes and then went to the parkour railing. It consisted of climbing walls, jumps, boxes, swing ropes, mats in different sizes and small fences. To the rear were taller block-like constructions that crossed different levels. Poles, ladders and opportunities for hanging were also attached to them.

Overall, the hall was very colorful, but the color combinations always matched and if you looked a little closer you could see that every object had its place in a system.

The boys were on a lesson with seven other people, which created a fairly large group.

In front of them was a young man. He had a big grin and wide eyes. He had an agile stature, but was also a bit more muscular and his hair was cut very short. His beta tattoo was clearly visible on the back of his hand. "Hey, cool that there are so many. ” His eyes grew more joyful as he illuminated the group. "My name's Seungjae. Just call me Jae. ”

Chan was taken aback because it was unusual for someone to be so open. But when he looked more closely, he saw that Jae did not look purely Korean either. 

"So we're going to warm up, walk some rounds and then we can discuss basic techniques to overcome obstacles." He clapped with his hands. " _ Okay, great, let's start. _ ”

The English rolled effortlessly over his tongue, which is why Chan raised his head. What kind of accent did Jae have? The sentence had been too short to be sure. 

Firstly, dynamic stretching exercises were on the plan and then everyone ran a few laps, largely avoiding obstacles because nobody really dared to do something like jumps.

"Oh God, who came up with the idea to join in here?" Seungmin sighed, wheezing theatrically. He was a persistent runner - after all, he also played baseball.

Felix and Jisung meanwhile chased themselves through the hall and seemed to have a lot of fun doing it.

Chan had set a leisurely pace to watch his surroundings. Among other things, his eyes slid to Matthew, whereupon he noticed how aesthetically the older ran.

Everything was so controlled. The alpha symbol was almost emblazoned on his neck to make this image all the more proud.

Chan shook his head slightly and cursed himself. It could not be that he was falling for this alpha stuff too.

"Okay, come here!" Jae called and clapped again. It was not long before everyone was back together. "So I see that some traceurs already have really good running techniques."

"Traceur?" Hyunjin answered.

"It's French," Seungmin answered, rolling his eyes, "that's what the parkour runners are called."

"Exactly," Jae said with a smile. He turned to the railing and spread his arms. "You can see how huge the hall is and the obstacles are very different. All of this is built, but actually parkour running is an understanding of nature. We try to understand the environment and thus make reference to our bodies. Everyone has to find their own way to cope with it.”

Changbin leaned over to Chan: "Did you sign us up for a parkour or philosophy class?"

Then the two giggled.

"You're definitely here because you have already seen the blatant moves and want to experience these adventures, right?" Jae grinned and received approving muttering. "It's great that you're motivated. I just want to say right at the beginning that we will start very small. ” He nodded slightly while talking. "We'll clarify the running itself and what the goal is. Then we can have a look at how to overcome small obstacles or how to get through gaps. ”

Running was about efficiency, endurance and speed. Chan understood that pretty quickly, so it was not long before he raged like a hurricane between the obstacles.

Nevertheless, the other also had positive characteristics.

Hyunjin was a very strong runner himself, being self-confident.

On the other hand, Seungmin was much better at quickly finding and running efficient ways.

Again, Matthew was an extremely enduring runner, although he was not really lacking in speed either.

"Wow, you have a lot of energy," Jae said and nodded appreciatively to the whole group of nine. He used his pipe for the first time and called all the participants together.

"That looked pretty good," he said, "Then we can clarify a few basic elements. Do you want to make casual jumps or gaps first? ”

Most voted for jumps, which is why Jae explained the five basic jumps shortly afterwards. "Jumping to the ground is about jumping off a higher level and ... well, just hitting the ground. The landing is important. Feet and then hands. This is called atterrissage or reception.” He climbed onto a higher box and then jumped off to demonstrate the landing.

"There is also this hop, also known as a squat jump." Shortly thereafter, he aimed at a smaller box and sprinted towards it, putting his hands on it and jumping between his arms with his feet drawn up.

"And the precision jump, long jump and arm jump. But we don't have to do that today. It's a bit more difficult because you need a little more muscle power for it. ” He stepped aside. "Well, feel free to try it out a bit and I'll correct you if there's anything."

Minho did not like getting up to the height, which is why he practiced the first jump.

Chan stood at the side when he watched Minho knock over the box. He inhaled sharply, but he received a thumbs up from the other. 

He chuckled softly and ran himself before jumping over the box.

"Wow," Minho said and whistled, "you're a kangaroo."

"I don't think that kangaroos jump like this," Chan replied with a smile, pulling his buddy up by the hand.

They turned to their other friends.

Chan saw Felix pulling himself up by a box which reached up to his neck. He had some problems getting up, but a few moments later he was actually enthroned upstairs before jumping onto the mat and catching himself from there.

"Nice four-point landing, Felix!" Jae called and nodded in confirmation, " _ Great job _ . " He then turned to Matthew and seemed to be explaining something to him.

The addressee apparently kept confirming until the teacher stepped back a little.

Matthew then started with a fast pace and jumped off before holding onto the edge of a box and dangling from it. The box was maybe two meters high.

"Very good!" Jae shouted, "Now try to pull yourself up!"

,,Okay!" Matthew tensed his arms before this effort could be seen in his back muscles as he was only wearing a black, tight-fitting t-shirt.

In fascination, Chan watched him. 

Matthew hoist himself up and finally sat on the edge.

"Work a little bit on your grip, but it looked great," Jae said. He noticed that Chan was watching. "Do you want to try it out?"

Chan nodded slowly and stepped forward.

Jae briefly explained how the cat leap worked, pointing to various objects as examples and simulating the movement. "But there isn't THE right way to hang on objects. It's only important that your grip is secure so that you don't slip. Depending on what you're hanging on to, the grip changes too,” he concluded.

Matthew shook his feet and looked at Chan before grinning. "Come on, Chris."

Chan smiled and took a deep breath, concentrated on the box in front of him and felt the adrenaline set in. When he started running, he exhaled and headed for his target. Then he jumped off and braced the front of the soles of the feet on the wall before grabbing the edge and holding onto it. He was about to slide off with his left hand, but Matthew quickly grasped it. However, Chan pulled himself up alone.

"You two are naturals," Jae commented with a grin and went back to the rest of the group.

Chan looked at Matthew from the side and reached for his biceps before massaging it in circles with his thumb. "Oho, you've built up your muscles," he was surprised, "Since when?"

"Don't know, actually for a while. You just don't notice it because I usually wear loose clothes,” Matthew replied, smiling.

And it triggered something. It felt like tickling Chan's heart a little. Therefore, it seemed to laugh a bit in the form of a slightly higher pulse.

After the group had practiced jumping for a while, Jae added another move. "This is one of my favorite moves. Simple, but totally useful. ” He grabbed one of the banister poles and swung himself down through. "This is the breakthrough. Perfect to cross gaps. That was easy because I only have one pole. With smaller gaps, it gets more exciting. ” He winked and pointed to an uneven bar with both bars set at different heights. He ran, grabbed the top bar, and pulled himself through, breaking his feet through the gap first, followed by his torso.

The participants applauded appreciatively.

“And the breakthrough works backwards too.” Again he ran up to the uneven bars, turned, and gripped the bar in two different directions before swinging his back over the obstacle and then his legs.

Clapping again.

"We'll get there, slowly," he said.

Firstly, they practiced with a mat instead of the second pole, as this would give in if necessary.

"That's not my thing at all," Seungmin grumbled, and he should be right about that. He apparently did not feel comfortable with it and even if Jae encouraged him, he kept sliding away and causing the mat to fall.

"You just have to grasp the bar firmly. Then nothing can happen to you,” Jae explained and patted him on the shoulder encouragingly, but when Seungmin fell for the eighth time, he had enough for today and took a break.

In contrast, this technique was made for Changbin. He moved agilely and nimble through the gap, so that he was soon allowed to practice with the second pole, where he felt his way forward bit by bit before swinging through it for the first time.

Felix also got the hang of it pretty quickly because he was not afraid to make turns (probably through his previous taekwondo training).

"You will probably become a trickster traceur," Jae commented with a smile, "Next time I have to show you the twists that can be made while jumping. Things like that are perfect for you.”

Felix's eyes lit up and he nodded enthusiastically.

In the end, everyone was allowed to cross a few obstacles again by themselves. Chan practiced the squat and arm jump a few more times. Running brought some relaxation to his body so that he quickly felt comfortable with the railing and crossed obstacles effortlessly. Once he used only one hand and jumped sideways over a wall.

"Oh, that was a lazy vault," Jae noticed, who happened to be watching him.

"What?"

"That's what you call this movement in which you cross an obstacle from the side." Jae did the same thing, only on a pole. "That looked good on you."

"Thank you. It's really fun. ”

"Does your group of friends also do sports outside? They all seem pretty fit.”

Chan turned to his friends, who were all fooling around on the railing. Only Matthew was sitting in the background, watching with amusement.

"Felix, Hyunjin and Changbin go swimming with me," Chan replied, pointing to the mentioned people, "Minho has been attending dance classes since he was little. Seungmin, Jeongin and Jisung are on our school's baseball team.” He took a step to the side to point to Matthew. "And well, Matt carries chests on a regular basis to help his mother in the shop.”

"That explains a lot," Jae replied, "Hey, your group has real potential. You could become a Traceur troop. It's much funnier to run together. Then you can play a lot of games or take part in competitions. ”

"There are games?" Chan asked.

Jae nodded. "Yes, something like a relay race or jam session. You can bring Takeshis Castle to a strong level with a proper parkour run.” He smiled. " _ Do you want to join us again next week? ” _

Chan was surprised that the other one spoke to him so openly in English.  _ "Yes, definitely. I think that the guys enjoy it very much.” _

_ "Sweet." _ Then Jae switched back to Korean. "Australian?"

With a grin, Chan nodded. "Felix too."

"I thought so. I heard you two speaking earlier. ” 

Chan nodded into Matthew’s direction. “He’s from Los Angeles, so he’s fluent as well.”

“No way!” Jae laughed. “I’m from the States too! I have to talk with him again next time.” He rubbed his hair and then whistled again. "Thanks for your visit! I hope you had fun. Would be great if you were back here next week. ”

There was clapping and cheering, and Jae bowed.

Chan apparently liked him and the others too.

When they were outside the hall again, they said goodbye from there to each other.

"That was so cool, I want to go again!", Felix announced excitedly. 

"So I like to stick to baseball," Seungmin mumbled, whereupon Hyunjin put his arm around his shoulders.

"But your jumps were good. With a little practice you'll become a great tracer. ”

"Traceur," Seungmin corrected, "A tracer is a little different."

The group laughed.

It was one of those moments when Chan wished his life like now would go on forever.


	5. "Sorry that ... was strange."

"No, the idea's stupid." Seungmin threw the magazine away, causing complaints from Hyunjin.

"The idea's great!" He replied, "Who doesn't love flowers and romance and all that cliche stuff?"

Matthew tapped his chin. "I think we should give Chan something cool as a present. A keyboard controller, for example.”

"Didn't know you knew about stuff like this," Changbin said, clicking his tongue. After all, he, Chan and Jisung were known as the producers of the group.

Matthew scratched the back of his head. “Nah, I just like to listen to you guys.”

Changbin just nodded with raised eyebrows. "Well, but maybe we should not buy a controller. He said his actual keyboard was junk.”

"Yes, if everyone can put on around 25,000 won, we can already buy a good one," Jisung now also participated in the conversation, "There are also good ones for 100,000. We can easily pay for that.”

"But then we have to tell his parents in case they come up with the same idea," Changbin objected.

The eight boys were standing in the auditorium and kept looking around, hoping that Chan would not show up too soon.

"Anyway, I noticed that Chan doesn't really want to celebrate his birthday," Felix said, "so I asked his mother if we could throw a surprise party."

Felix was actually more of a brother to Chan and everyone treated him like that. The way he showed up randomly at the Bang's house was not surprising, especially since his family was very close to Chan's. It really felt like they were a huge clan overall. "Aussie clan" everyone called it for fun.

"It's a good idea," Minho said, "Then we have to organize decorations, a cake, music ... Should we only celebrate as nine?"

"Would be for it," said Jeongin, "We don't even know the people from your level." He thus pointed to the younger fraction of the group.

"That's true," Matthew confirmed, "Good. So Jisung and Changbin take care of the keyboard, Jeongin, Seungmin and Felix do the decoration, Hyunjin and Minho create a playlist for the music and I get a cake. ”

"But Matt, you have to bake it by yourself!" Hyunjin said, "Then it's with love."

"Chan gets much love tho," Seungmin commented dryly as ever.

"Yes, but there's never enough love." Hyunjin grinned widely.

The idea was actually very cute. Not that he was a master at baking, but with a few recipes and the help of his mother, he should be able to put together something edible.

"It's not such a bad suggestion.” He smiled. "I'll try it. So this weekend on Saturday? ”

A collective confirmation came back. So they had four days, this day included. That should be enough. They were not known for organizing everything super clean anyway. A little spontaneity had to be.

"We also need a distraction for Chan," Minho said, "so we can prepare everything." He pointed to Matthew. "You should organize it."

"What? Why me?" Matthew looked at him perplexed.

"The rest of us would be too jittery. In the end something comes out," Minho replied.

Matthew knew that Minho was not arguing properly, he just wanted to support him. Matthew had never said it directly, but he knew that Minho knew what he felt for Chan.

Should not be surprising. They have been acquainted with each other since kindergarten.

"Fine, all right," Matthew said, defeated.

Before anyone could say anything, Jeongin uttered "Shhhh!" because Chan was approaching them. He looked a little tired.

"Hey." He yawned and rubbed his eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Minho asked.

"Urgh, the planning of the project days is a disaster. Someone of the student council lost the lists. I could hardly sleep last night because of my guilty conscience,” Chan said, slapping both hands over his face as if you could not stand the sight of him.

Felix took his hands and held them. "Everything will be fine. The lists will reappear if you don't search for them. It's always like that."

"Hopefully. Otherwise I'll go hang myself,” he murmured.

His friends looked at him pityingly. They were used to this state of Chan too well and from experience they knew that the head boy could hardly be helped by anyone in this regard. The only exception was Changbin, who was also on the council.

"If not, we have to pin new ones. The students should register again then,” Changbin said.

"Yes, but then it's so obvious that we cannot handle the planning, and I don't want to damage the image of the school board. Such an unfortunate mistake happens, it's not that bad, but people always make such a big drama straight away.”

"And by people you mean Junhyeok," Changbin concluded.

"He's a manipulative asshole and good at influencing people. Especially with the boys," Chan answered, apparently smugly, before the corners of his mouth dropped again, "Damn populists."

The fact that the majority of the school was male did not really improve the situation. It was easy to convince people with a bit of flatteries.

This was no problem for Junhyeok.

Chan was about to add something when he paused and looked at a boy holding a rose to another boy.

The seemingly younger blushed and accepted the flower, bowed and thanked him before pointing his finger towards the classroom and then walking away. He had probably apologized for leaving since the lesson was about to start.

"Ah right, the mating season begins," Jisung said, "Forgot about it."

In general, one was quite reserved in public, but at that time it was not uncommon to see couples or even declarations of love. The school in particular functioned as a metropolis because people spent a lot of time here together and rarely had the opportunity to make confessions outside. Accordingly, it was a norm and also perfectly okay to show his affection in public.

Typically, identified Alphas and Omegas attracted each other because of their aroused sense of smell, but it was also possible for Betas to detect the different atmosphere because their sensations were also sharpened, even if they did not really perceive the pheromones.

"This is the first mating season that any of us is actively experiencing!" Hyunjin noted, whereupon everyone looked at Matthew.

He just raised his hands in defense. "Don't look at me like that."

"Aren't you nervous?" Felix asked. 

Matthew shrugged. "Why should I? What comes comes. But I’m not going to squeeze myself into expectations and find someone.”

Chan looked at him a little admiringly.

Usually, many felt pressured to find a partner at this stage because there was nothing better for society to see a perfect duo.

No one said it, but seeing a big, strong Alpha next to a dainty, lovely Omega was a ten of ten from the general public, so did the combination of Beta and Beta. Alpha and Beta might be a nine and Beta and Omega might be a seven point five. Omega and Omega slipped down to a six, maybe even a five.

Everything was allowed in modern society, but there were still the ideal combinations in people's minds.

"I think that's great, Matt," Chan said, smiling at him.

It was the first time where the bell rang, which announced that they had five minutes left to go to the next lesson.

Chan dragged Matthew and Minho with him so that they would not be late. After all, they had social studies on the third floor.

"Today we are starting a debate," teacher Lee announced, knocking on the blackboard to calm the grumbling class, "It'll be fun. We'll put it on like a talk show."

People were divided into groups. Usually certain roles would be given, but this time the teacher was sure that the group of students had very different opinions on their own. As a result, everyone was a little curious about the topic.

"It's about the ABO system. How can politics eliminate social differences? Should it pick it up at all? How does society deal with it? Gather arguments for pros and cons and then people can register for a place on the talk show," Lee explained, clapping her hands as a sign that people should move now.

Usually Chan loved to take part in such conversations because he read a lot, watched news and was generally interested in sociology and social structures. This time, however, he had no urge to do anything. This whole ABO thing had been in his head for days and now he was asked what he thought about it? He had absolutely no idea what to think. There was just incredible confusion and also fear.

"Chris, you're not that silent usually," Matthew said to him.

"I'm just tired. You already know why. This project thing," Chan replied, trying to look as exhausted as possible. It was not difficult because there was not much to do.

"Oh, I understand." Matthew looked at him, consoling and stroked Chan's thigh.

It was weird, but Chan reacted with a little twitch. Not that it made him feel uncomfortable. It was more like a little shock and it put him in a state of tension that was totally beautiful. Heat tingled his face, so he tried to look to the other side.

The teacher clapped her hands. "Okay, then choose someone from each group and they'll sit on the talk show."

"Chan, you'll do it," one of the girls suggested, "you can argue so well."

Chan had taken notes, but he did not feel able to argue at all. He was too emotionally stressed for that.

Matthew smiled. "If you don't want to, I can do it. No problem."

Chan nodded slowly. "Yes, thank you."

Matthew then rose and sat on one of the chairs in the front of the classroom, which were set up in a semicircle.

"So, we need a moderator," Lee claimed.

Then Minho jumped up.

"You seem to want to take this role?"

Minho shook his head immediately. "But I know who would be perfect for that." He grinned. "Kim Seungmin."

"Who?"

"He is three years below ours."

The teacher blinked. She probably wondered if Minho was kidding her. 

"He has free time and is up here in the library. I'm going to ask him!"

Before the teacher could reply, Minho stormed outside and returned after maybe a minute, tugging Seungmin on one arm.

"I thought that was a joke," Lee said a little dryly.

Seungmin broke away from Minho and adjusted his school uniform. He looked visibly annoyed as well as a little resigned. As if it was not even surprising that he was spontaneously in the classroom of the high schoolers. "I heard that I should run a talk show?"

"If you can do it well," the teacher replied, curling her lips, still suspicious. She briefly explained the subject, whereupon Seungmin nodded.

"But there are no role cards, right?"

"No, I wanted to have an authentic discussion with student views this time."

After this brief exchange, Seungmin sat on the middle chair and cleared his throat, waiting for the other students to crouch down as well.

There were four others besides Matthew: Hyunjae, Juyeon, Seulgi and Yeri. They introduced themselves so that Seungmin could also call them by name.

Seungmin looked firstly at the left, then the right side, nodded slightly before smiling and starting to speak: "Welcome to  _ students' voices _ . Thank you for switching on. Today we have high school students from Hanju School visiting.” His hand movements accompanied his words in an appropriate manner as he spoke in his soft voice. Suddenly the atmosphere seemed soothing and professional. Composed and very grown up.

For a few moments the students seemed to forget that Seungmin was attending a younger year.

"The topic deals with something which always accompanies us, even if we do not realize it. Part of ourselves and society, significant for our everyday life, but also for politics. The so-called Alpha-Beta-Omega - ABO for short - repeatedly raises controversial discussions. We shed light on how the government and citizens deal with this structure, what should change and why. The youngsters deal extensively with this question, because they are the future after all.” It was incredible how fluid the words came from Seungmin, but it did not surprise Chan. The younger one always took his time thinking and then carried out his actions in a solid manner.

"I hope you don't mind us speaking in a more matey way," Seungmin continued.

Everyone nodded.

“Good. Yeri, let's start with you. ”

The girl cleared her throat. "So I think we have to change some things. The problem is not in politics, but in our society in general.” She crossed her legs. "We can't live in the 21st century and still emulate conservative resolutions."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Seungmin asked.

"For example the collars. It's terrible, but apparently it's still normal for Alphas to give this gift to their Omega.” She cleared her throat again and seemed to have to hold back. "Sorry, it just can't be normal to give someone a collar. An Omega is also a human being and not an object. ”

Hyunjae immediately intervened: "The collars are not there to make someone into an object. They are a symbol of belonging and loyalty. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, but then tell me why the Omega bears this symbol alone. Doesn't the Alpha have to be loyal as well? Do we still have to rely on the attribution of typical character traits? It's completely out of date.” Yeri seemed to be caught up in the subject, at least she clenched her hands into fists and straightened her shoulders.

"It has something to do with tradition," Seulgi clinked herself into the discussion, "You don't have to see it as an attack. And a gift like that also shows that the Alpha feels responsible."

"That only lulls us," Yeri replied.

The three kept passing the ball back and forth, with Juyeon and Matthew mostly staying silent, only occasionally dropping small comments.

Seungmin interrupted: "Okay, before it gets too heated and we are spinning around the same issue, I would like to slow down." He waited until the participants calmed down again. "What do you think about adapting politics to the system?"

Matthew finally began to speak: "I think all social assistance should be widened. Not specifically for Omegas, but for people in need in general. ”

Yeri clearly agreed.

"But the fact is that Omegas are usually weaker ...", Juyeon objected.

"Physically. However, as Yeri said, they are also human beings. People with mostly different prerequisites,” Matthew argued calmly and Chan could not help thinking that it was extremely attractive how focused and pragmatic he got to his points, “It used to be important that Omegas were protected because there were many dangers and challenges. But we are now a modern society. We no longer have to protect ourselves from wild animals or storms in the 'old' way.”

This opened a new thread in the discussion, which dealt with measures of the government and whether they were useful or not.

Yeri and Matthew campaigned for the help under the aspect that one should take categories other than the division into Alpha, Beta and Omega.

So far, Seulgi was satisfied and defended the system, while Hyunjae largely agreed, but wanted to draw attention to small defects.

Juyeon stood in between and was not sure where he was going. So he was pretty much in the middle. 

In between, Seungmin directed the conversation in order to avoid repetitions or potential fights. Otherwise he withdrew and let the students speak.

Chan had rarely seen such a lively talk show in class. Either it was the topic or Seungmin. Or both. Normally no one was so enthusiastic about this fake talk show concept and the students would wallow through their written arguments.

This time, however, hardly anyone looked at his cards and the debate flowed naturally.

“Live and let live. Every relationship is the best relationship in the world as long as the people involved really love each other.” And at that moment Matthew looked at Chan. But maybe that was imagination. "Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Nothing and nobody can change what we want and what we value. Character strength counts, but definitely not the gender.”

"Very good closing words. Thank you for your insight and we'll see you until the next episode of  _ students' voices _ ! ”, Seungmin concluded the talk show.

The teacher stopped the students briefly before everyone could storm out. "That was a great lesson. Thank you for your participation.” Then she turned to Seungmin. "And thanks for your help. I have rarely seen such a lively and diverse student discussion. ”

Seungmin shrugged. "Actually, I didn't do much." He reached for his bag and left the room.

Minho had to hurry again to get to dance training, so Chan was waiting for Matthew, who still had to pack his things.

"You're really good at this," he started talking. And it was so strange how numb his tongue felt when he spoke. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Why was he so nervous? After all, it was Matthew.

Simply Matthew.

"It was really exciting. I should sign up for something like that more often.” Matthew winked at Chan and smirked before shouldering his backpack.

The two left the room.

"So you don't like this ABO thing?" Chan asked carefully. He was not used to talking about it with his friends. Especially not with Matthew.

They talked about a lot of things: music, school, everyday problems, family stress. But so far the ABO system was usually a taboo subject.

Why? Chan did not know. At some point, everyone had decided this in silence, because at that time they had felt young and stupid. They were still to a certain extent, but the fact that Matthew now had his Alpha symbol changed the climate within the group a bit.

Matthew seemed to be considering. "It depends on what you mean. The politics are really a bit too conservative. But social customs can be really nice.” He stroked the tattoo. "It's basically like a birthmark. Everyone looks different and it's part of our uniqueness. It's part of our nature, so there's no point in demonizing it."

They entered the stairwell and went to the ground floor.

Chan even understood Matthew's view. It sounded nice and not that conservative from his mouth. "Are you proud of it?"

"To some extent? It belongs to me - as I said. I accept it. And admittedly ... it helps with the self-discovery phase. Of course, you shouldn't make everything dependent on it, but this will reveal part of your identity and you will slowly realize how everything fits together.” Matthew formed an invisible ball in his hands.

Chan just nodded at the words, did not know what else to say.

"And there are traditions that I would like to keep because they're beautiful. To give away a rose if you give someone a confession or if you kiss the other's tattoo before you kiss for real.”

Chan's heart fluttered at those words.

Matthew was so cute.

"Or the collar. ”

Then Chan's heart stopped. "What?" He asked in a slightly weak voice.

As if Matthew ... Matthew of all people, the I-am-in-totally-for-freedom-Matthew spoke in favour of the collar.

How could he imagine strapping leather around the neck of his lover?

"You said that Omegas are also human beings," Chan reminded him.

Matthew nodded. "And I do really believe in that with all my heart." He smiled warmly. "The collars are still not bad. It's like giving away jewelry with more meaning.” He sighed softly and closed his eyes briefly. "To give this gift to a person I love … I don’t know, I think that it’s sweet."

With Chan's somewhat stunned face, he blushed a little. He had not really wanted to start such an intimate conversation.

"Sorry, that ... was strange."

It was strange indeed.

Chan could not deny that he respected Matthew for his opinion, knowing that the other person could never harm anyone.

But he was definitely not thrilled about it. Because when he thought about it, he felt like he was suffocating. Already imagining the collar which was wrapping around his neck.


	6. "What should he ask me?"

_"Come on! Don't fall asleep!"_ Jae yelled and clapped his hands.

Felix and Jisung ran along the track side by side.

Then Felix slipped under a railing bar effortlessly. He rose safely on his feet and continued to storm towards the wall, which he overcame by putting a hand on it and then swinging his feet over.

Meanwhile, Jisung jumped up and climbed over one of the boxes, reaching more and more height so that he ran upstairs parallel to Felix. It was tough that he had to climb continuously, but Felix had to overcome more jumps at the bottom, constantly varying. 

Jisung had become the middle level guy. He liked to run higher, but not too high because he was a little afraid of heights. That is why the current dimension was just perfect for him.

Meanwhile, Felix was definitely the trickster and did various jumps before even using a Tic Tac. Not exactly clean, but he still got over the object by jumping on the wall and pushing away from it.

Hyunjin whistled appreciatively. Jeongin and Minho were also keen to cheer them on.

A tube was in front of him, and Felix almost flowed into the catwalk before quickly crawling on all fours.

In the meantime, Jisung jumped from a box and landed first on his feet and then on his hands before balancing over a narrower plank and making a long jump over a smaller wall. From there the box ended, but there was a soft floor mat underneath it, so he did not worry about the impact of jumping down.

Felix arrived just slightly ahead of him at the finish line, which made him burst out of joy. Nevertheless, he fell into Jisung's arms as if the older was the real winner.

Jae applauded appreciatively. "That was great. Felix, the speed of your reactions is perfect. Jisung, your jumps were phenomenal."

The two grinned and gave each other a high five.

In fact, the boys had agreed on two appointments a week, once on Mondays and once on Tuesdays, although the schedule tended to go towards the evening because Minho did not want to miss his dance training.

It was only the third lesson, but the boys practiced until everything was sore, so they had gotten out of the pure amateur status pretty quickly.

"Just pay attention to your landing, Jisung. First tiptoes and then heels. Otherwise you can get hurt,” Jae pointed out, “And Felix, you have to work on the Tic Tac again. But it was surprising how many techniques you built in anyway.”

Due to his agility, Felix had learned a huge range of tricks within a very short time and used them in various combinations. Sometimes it was a bit daring.

"You're one of the best groups I've ever had," Jae said, nodding approvingly.

Only the boys had lessons with Jae today because he wanted to boost them more. Of course, the lessons were more expensive like this because he could teach fewer people at the same time, but it was definitely worth it.

"Do you want to play another game?" He asked, "Or should I show you something new?"

"Chan and Minho haven't run today," Jeongin noted.

"Right. I have to look at you two again,” Jae remembered, “How about a round of jam session? ”

Both looked at each other and then nodded in confirmation.

_"I am so ready,"_ Chan said, rolling up his sleeves before grinning at Minho. At the start signal from Jae, he began to run.

He was the one who was allowed to lead the way, and so he chose his favourite route over the crates, always climbing a higher height before they both balanced on the top plank.

A little mean when you consider that Minho was afraid of heights, but hey, somehow he had to win.

It was really high, but there was a trench crammed with pillows beneath them, so Chan was not afraid and stretched his arms before he slid over the plank with nimble steps.

"Slow down, Chan!" Jae called.

Chan then laughed and could feel Minho's hesitant presence behind him.

He stopped abruptly and turned before grinning at the other. "I will win."

“I always win in jam session," Minho reminded him.

"This time it'll be different," Chan replied, winking at him and closing his eyes. He took a deep breath and then did a backflip.

Shouting came from below, but Chan quickly masked it out with the adrenaline and landed in the cushion. His eyes were closed as he worked his way up again and pushed the foam aside. He gasped and grinned broadly before looking up at Minho.

Minho shaped his hands into a funnel in front of his mouth and shouted: "I surrender!"

Chan then stretched his arms in the air and yelled. "Whooo, I'm the winner!" He exclaimed with joy and heaved himself out of the pool before lying on his back.

"My God, Chan, please never do that again," Jae said, crouching next to him, "even if that was very impressive. Still, you should refrain from doing that in the future.”

Chan looked at his teacher with apologetic eyes. "That will not happen again."

Amused, Jae shook his head and stood up again. "Anyway, I wanted to go over some new techniques with you. They are more advanced, but you should be able to handle that. ”

Felix jumped up excitedly and was immediately determined to tackle the lesson.

"But before we do that, I wanted to ask you something else."

In the meantime, Minho had climbed from the boxes and had joined the group again.

"I have registered you for the outer race. It's next week, but I wanted to ask you if that's okay,” Jae told.

Hyunjin cocked his head to one side. "Outer race?”

Jae nodded. "Yes, parkour run, just outside. The railing is of course less structured than here, but I personally find it much more instructive to do such runs,” he explained, “It is more difficult to walk there than in the hall because, firstly, there are no mats and secondly, the relief is increasingly difficult to assess.”

It made sense. After a while you knew every box, every rope, every railing. And there was only one kind of obstacle.

Outside the walls were even more of different heights, the stairs were of different widths and there were hardly any perfect boxes to jump on anyway. The assessment was brought up to a completely different level there.

"So I would really like it," Jisung commented.

"Sounds cool," Minho confirmed.

Seungmin's face twisted slightly. "If it's necessary ..." Not that he was not having fun here, but he still preferred baseball a lot. He liked to spend time with his friends in the parkour run, but the spark of this sport had not yet jumped over to him.

"Well, tell your parents. I need a consent form from them to take you outside.” He raised his finger. "And think of a name for your group."

"A name?" Jeongin asked.

"Yes, there are several groups in the outer race. You may even compete against each other, so it's easier to think of a name. "

The group agreed and then turned to the new training session.

As soon as it was over, they changed together before leaving the hall.

"I'm excited to see what the outer race will be like," Chan began to speak.

"Certainly a lot more difficult," Changbin commented, "But that will also make it so much more exciting."

Hyunjin shrugged. "We are naturals." He giggled. "Do you still want to go to the city?"

Everyone looked at each other and the majority nodded.

However, Chan said no. "I need to do my homework."

"Huh, why haven't you done it yet?" Minho asked, "Usually you're punctual."

Chan sighed heavily. "Actually, yes, but the last few days have always been a little confusing. I can't quite keep up." He raised his hand and waved good-bye to his group of friends before setting off.

* * *

Chan frowned and tapped the edge of the table with the pen. He had been on the same task for 20 minutes and had just written two lines. His brain was working slowly, but he did not want to sit in math class tomorrow without homework, so he struggled through it.

It was only 9 pm, but basically his brain was already off. Exhaustion had struck him like a parasite and was nestling in his body.

He yawned loudly and shoved his hand through his hair as he rolled back on his swivel chair and stretched.

At that moment there was a knock on his door.

"Yes?"

His mother came in and smiled. "You are still studying? Aren’t you hungry?"

Chan shook his head. "I only need the despair of math for dinner", he returned sarcastically.

"Well, maybe you should leave it for today and go to bed instead."

It was obvious that Chan did not like this suggestion, but honestly? He was undeniably tired and just wanted to rest, relax and switch off his head.

"Chan, don't you think you're doing too much?" His mother asked him and sat on his bed. Her eyes were on the medal board which hung in Chan's room. Some were from swimming competitions, others for good school grades. A few were even from talent shows Chan had sung or danced on. A lot of awards had accumulated over time.

Chan looked out of the window. "I like to take responsibility."

"I know. That ... is great too. Ambition's a good thing.” His mother brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Just maybe you should reduce your activities."

A confused look from Chan was the answer. "What? Why that?"

"You will be 17 soon."

"Yes and?"

"You don't understand ... A lot will change." The woman took a deep breath and smiled again, but it looked a bit resigned. "Jinseok also took a break from everything to relieve himself."

Chan had not thought of that. He had assumed that Matthew had taken a break because school was stressful. He had not considered for a second that it could be because of this alpha thing.

"You only get a stupid tattoo," Chan grumbled, "Why does everyone pretend that it's a huge thing?" He was getting annoyed at how everyone really made a fuss about this ABO system.

"It's more than a tattoo. It's a step of growing up,” she stated, patting the bed.

Chan sighed and crouched next to her before placing his head in her lap.

She stroked his curls, which made Chan feel like a little child again.

"There will be many ... internal processes going on. You cannot predict exactly what will happen, but it’s a phase in which everyone has to take special care of themselves to get out of there safely. You deal with yourself a lot. With what bothers you and frustrates you, but also with what can make you happy.” She sighed and hummed. "You have to find a balance so that you don't fall into a deep hole. You have to be careful about choosing which people should be around you.”

Chan just said nothing. His mother's explanation made him understand the complexity of the situation, but it only made it worse. He realized how bad it was for him to know that he still had to deal intensively with himself. So far, he had always been able to sink into his work in order to move away from this aspect of life.

The ABO system was really junk.

No, not really. It was practical in itself to have something in the genes that enabled a decisive metamorphosis in the development of your own personality.

Still, it felt like a punishment.

As his mother continued to stroke his head, Chan thought of the test strips that were still untouched in his drawer.

* * *

"Okay, what the hell?" Changbin crossed his arms and stared at the wall, his eyes narrowed.

He and Chan stood in the school yard in front of one of the walls and looked at the huge alpha symbol which had been smeared on it.

Changbin raised his hands in disgust. "I'm sick of it," he said and snorted. "It's no longer a joke, it's vandalism."

"Can you call that vandalism?" Chan asked, raising both eyebrows.

The paint was already dry, so those responsible had to have committed the crime during class. Accordingly, they not only smeared the walls, but also skipped lessons. Unfortunately, it was not possible to prove who it was, so the two boys had been at the scene of crime for five minutes without knowing what to do.

"For sure. There are enough students who don't like that this is a community school. Now they want to press their freshly awakened alpha genes into your face,” Changbin suspected, very annoyed and puffed his cheeks, tapped his chin and took a step closer to the painting. "I don't think that can be cleaned down. We have to repaint the walls.”

Chan sighed heavily. "Okay, I'm organizing this."

"Do you think that was Junhyeok?"

"Can be, but let's go back in first. It's getting cold. ”

They entered the school building where the students took their break because it was indeed quite fresh today and almost no one wanted to stand outside.

"Should we discuss this in the school board?" Changbin asked and Chan nodded.

"It's not just about graffiti, but the fact that there are still people here who have absolutely no respect for other groups. It's not fair that Alphas believe they can take everything they want.”

Changbin hummed in agreement. "Chan," he called him suddenly.

Chan stopped in the corridor. "What?"

"What if you are an Alpha?"

Chan blinked several times. So far, he had been thinking everyone assumed he was an Alpha anyway. But Changbin now expressed himself in a way which told Chan that he was not really sure about that.

"Then ... I don't know, it does suit me well, doesn't it?" Chan replied a little hesitantly and did not really know what to say.

"Aren't you then ironically part of the group you loathe?"

Silence.

"Huh? No, nonsense. There are idiots everywhere. Someone is an idiot  **and** an Alpha. He's not an idiot  **because** he's an Alpha. I don't care where people come from as long as they behave properly,” Chan replied, moving on.

His heart had stopped briefly when he had been asked. When he thought about it that way, he actually did not really like the idea of being an Alpha. But it would definitely be easier to be one, which is why he secretly wished for that status anyway.

Changbin seemed to acknowledge what Chan meant, so he just nodded. "Do you want to go train with me today?" he asked.

"I have to study."

"Ah yeah, you're going to have an oral exam in biology next week, right?"

And again, Chan sighed. "Yes, I missed the exam because of the conference. Fortunately, I just have to do the query, but if I screw up, it damages 50 % of my grade in the subject.” He was pretty much aware of the pressure of the situation. He waved it off anyway and wanted to change the topic as fast as possible.

Changbin took over for him: "So ... has Matt asked you anything yet?"

Chan frowned and opened the door to the classroom where their conferences were. He wanted to put his things in there and just take his folder with him. "What should he ask me?"

Changbin raised his eyebrows. "Oh, oh, I thought he would’ve already asked."

Now Chan was extremely curious and put his arm around Changbin's shoulders. "Now you have to tell me!"

Changbin shook his head in amusement. "Nooo, I don't want to spoil his surprise."

Chan then almost jerkily let go of him before making a face. "It has nothing to do with my birthday, does it?" The thought alone made a cold shiver run down his back.

No, he did not want to be 17. Not in this life. In this life in which he has had full control so far, solely through hard work and his positive attitude towards the world. When he thought about Friday, he felt sick. It was only two days away and he had at least wanted to do the stupid test strips by then, but Bang fucking Chan was afraid of those strips which were about to change his life fundamentally. He did not know how he managed to get so tortured.

"Your birthday? Oh, is it this week? ” Changbin's voice had played a shocked tone. "No waaay! As if."

Chan looked at him almost hostile. "I swear ... if I discover anything, you're all screwed."

Changbin rolled his eyes with a smile. "Why are you so allergic? Is it this alpha thing?”

The words got stuck in Chan's throat. "I ... I have to go," he murmured before leaving.

His heart was pounding on his neck.

Changbin was his best friend, of course he was not stupid and could at least guess where the problem was. But Chan was afraid to talk to someone about it. All the worries sounded ridiculous in his own head.

"I'm going crazy," he whispered, "Really crazy."

"Why are you going crazy?"

Breath brushed Chan's neck, and the head boy immediately turned around. "Gosh, Matt. How long have you been sneaking around? ”

"I'm not sneaking up on you." The older man put his hands in his pockets. "Well, I’m visiting music class by coincidence. Just like you." He smiled which calmed Chan down a little.

Together they made their way to the specialist room.

Chan twirled one of his curls a little nervously. They were alone, so maybe Matthew would ask now? Whatever he wanted to ask. Why was Chan so jittery?

"Chan, by the way, I wanted to ask you something."

No no no.

"Hm?"

"I know you don't want to celebrate your birthday, but we could also ..."

Chan immediately interrupted him. "I don't want to do anything."

Then Matthew fell silent. "If we go out on Saturday, it would not be your birthday. Kinda."

"Matt, that's really nice of you, but I don't feel like having a big party."

Now Matthew seemed visibly irritated. "I actually thought the two of us could do something alone."

At that moment, Chan's heart skipped.

Something. Alone.

The words got stuck in his throat again and he put his hand on the doorknob. A slight red shimmer formed on his cheeks and he chewed on his lower lip.

"Chris?" Matthew's smile widened steadily. "Do you want to ..."

Chan opened the door almost reflexively and entered the room, a little panicked, leaving Matthew behind. He had no idea what had gotten into him.

The only thing he knew was that the situation overwhelmed him.


	7. "Chan isn't an Omega tho."

It was hard.

It was hard to hold back the laughter.

Probably mean, but Jeongin could be pretty damn mischievous, so he grinned broadly after Matthew had finished his story.

"Hey, that's not funny. You asked me if I would go out with him!” Matthew complained, but then had to laugh himself. He really could not be angry. "I don't even know why he reacted so nervously."

"You two have never done anything together on your own. Only with the group," Changbin replied, "It's normal that he gets a little jittery."

A little jittery? Chan had almost knocked the classroom door against his nose. But well, Matthew left the topic like that.

"Anyway, you have to get him out of his house," Jisung said, "maybe you need tactics so he listens to you and lets you talk."

"Why can't Changbin just distract him?" Matthew asked a little desperately. Then he could avoid making a fool out of himself.

"I have to take care of the keyboard," Changbin countered, "Hey, I've been working on music with Chan since he was 15. I think I have a clue what he wants.” 

Matthew raised an eyebrow and was about to argue about that. After all, he was not inexperienced when it came to producing. However, his style did not fit 3Racha as well. So in the end he refused from trying to get back on Changbin.

"You'll think of something," Hyunjin cheered him up, "If not, then let your Alpha charm play."

"Chan isn't an Omega tho," Jeongin said.

"So what? Alphas are still attractive. ” Hyunjin put his arm over Matthew's shoulders and grinned.

At that moment a group of girls came by. You could tell that they paused and whispered a little, watching Matthew, and then moved on.

Matthew crossed his arms. "It's mating season after all.”

"I don't understand the mating season anyway," Jeongin claimed.

Seungmin closed the book he had just been reading and put it on the table. "Alphas and Omegas release pheromones during the mating season. Smells that should attract potential partners. Everyone has their own, individualistic pheromones, which are also differently attractive to you. In itself, however, all of these fragrances can be perceived by Betas as well. At least to a certain extent.”

"Oh, that sounds funny," Jeongin commented, "somehow."

"It can be. But sometimes it's dangerous. There have been rape cases because Alphas have lost their minds due to the sudden need for reproduction. It could be a natural above-average distribution of pheromones, or something is wrong with the person's mental health.”

"And there's nothing you can do about it?" Jisung intervened.

“You can't do anything about your own perception, but there are medications to swallow which weaken or even block your own pheromones. Nevertheless, it can also have side effects such as mood swings, nausea, headache, stomach ache, fatigue, sleep problems ... ”

Hyunjin raised a hand to interrupt Seungmin's flow of speech. "Why do you know about it so well?"

Seungmin raised his eyebrows. "Because we had it in biology last month, you idiot." He put his book in his bag. "Classes are about to start. We have to go."

So the younger part of the group moved away.

Suddenly Chan came rushing in and leaned on the table, breathless. "Minho, Matthew please tell the teacher that I can't go to class."

The two looked at each other in confusion.

"The lessons are canceled spontaneously. I've just read it on the digital plan,” Minho reported.

"But why are you so windy anyway?" Matthew asked.

Chan wanted to start crying, but he held it back. "The school board was robbed.”

Changbin, who was sipping from his water bottle, spat over the entire table top. The action was absolutely film-ready, but the shock was real. "What?!"

"I wanted to do the finances before class, but the money's gone! It's gone!", Chan nearly shrieked and frantically pulled his hair, "I don't get it."

"Did you search properly?" Changbin asked with a deadly serious expression.

Chan nodded. "Yes, of course. But the cashbox is not there and ... ”

Matthew grabbed his hand and pulled him down so that Chan sat on the bench. "Shhh ... keep calm. Don't panic, we'll find a solution." And he was serious, which is why Chan gradually calmed down.

"I just don't get it," he murmured, "I _ always _ lock the room. No other student than me can enter the school boardroom. ”

Matthew put his arm comfortingly around Chan's shoulders, whereupon the younger leaned against him and closed his eyes. He looked incredibly tired, so he wanted to be able to snuggle up in warmth somewhere.

A little thoughtfully, Minho massaged his lower lip between his thumb and index finger. "Then it is only possible that a teacher has robbed the cash."

"What? But ... why would a teacher do that?” Chan opened his eyes and looked at the table.

"I don't know, but nothing else makes sense."

Chan brushed the curls out of his face and sat up straight, but grabbed Matthew's hand to be able to cling somewhere. 

This angelic touch immediately sent Matthew to heaven, whereupon he simply looked at Chan and admired his boopable nose, his soft mouth and his dimples (was it possible to swim in those?) closely. 

"Maybe someone stole a teacher's key and got into the classroom." Then Chan’s eyes darkened and he gritted his teeth, which made his jawbone stand out more. "That was Junhyeok. I bet my laptop on it." He got up and cracked his knuckles. "He can prepare himself for something. I'm really fed up with him. "

Changbin sighed. "First of all, we would need solid evidence."

Chan saw that. "But what should I do?" This simply added to all this chaos. His life was a mess right now anyway. Why did everything always have to go wrong at the same time?

"Man, I don't know ... We should actually be focusing on the swimming competition." Changbin looked at his wristwatch. Unlike the others, he had classes, so he got ready to go. "We'll talk about it later. Ciao." He waved and walked away.

Minho checked the watch himself. "I have to go too. My father said I should pick up the flowers as soon as possible.”

"I thought you were going to do it this afternoon," Chan said.

Since Minho's parents had their anniversary of their wedding day, Minho wanted to get flowers in order to support his father.

"Yes, but if we have free time, I will do it now. Otherwise it would have collided with my dance training anyway”, he explained and patted Chan on the shoulder, “Man, I'm really sorry about the cash register. Let me know if I can help you."

Chan nodded. "'kay, thank you.”

And so Matthew and Chan were alone.

"So, what now?" Matthew asked.

Chan let out a hasty breath. "Now I'm trying not to go completely nuts."

Matthew looked at him a little thoughtfully before spreading his arms. "I think you need a hug."

Chan loved hugs and everyone in his circle of friends knew that. But usually Matthew did not offer it. He let himself be hugged and cuddled, no question about that. It was only new that he said something on his own initiative.

Chan smiled and almost sneaked up to Matthew before wrapping his arms around his torso. He registered how narrow the other's waist was, which is why he could easily reach around it with his long arms. Matthew's chest was nice and warm; Chan could rest his head on it ideally.

He had not hugged Matthew for a long time, but he felt incredibly comfortable, snuggled into the other's arms, and drowned almost in pure meekness, so that he could only sigh and close his eyes with pleasure.

Matthew's heart was beating soothingly against his ear, and Chan hummed a small melody. It finally let him relax. In his mind's eye, he saw a fireplace and himself curled up on the sofa in a blanket while sipping cocoa.

_ "Hey, don't fall asleep," _ Matthew teased lovingly, switching easily to English. 

The younger one looked up and giggled. 

It was unbelievable how much the other had grown in the past months. The two had always been about the same height, but since Matthew's body had been producing so many hormones, he had experienced a significant growth spurt, so that he was now almost half a head taller than Chan.

"I wanted to ask if you want to go out with me on Saturday."

And there was the question. It had come out of nowhere and attacked Chan. That was just fucking mean.

Because he was just hugging Matthew and he could not escape now. Internally, he cursed while the panic button was pushed and there was almost a brainburn in his head.

"Matt, you probably know my answer, huh?" Chan said.

“But I don't understand why. Your birthday is tomorrow, so officially it wouldn't be a real celebration anyway.”

"There is something like partying after your actual birthday and I know you intend to do that." Chan sighed and broke away from him as he crossed his arms.

Matthew noticed that Chan would remain stubborn, so he had to shift into another direction. "No, I ... just want to spend time with you. Alone. Is that so wrong?”

The words stopped Chan. "Really?"

An almost amused chuckle escaped Matthew. "Yes. Really."

Chan paused and X-rayed Matthew to assess what his counterpart was really going to do. But almost in the same second he understood that it was nonsense. Matthew was not the type of intrigue. He was open and honest.

Chan scratched his neck in embarrassment. "Good, okay," he said, smiling, "that's fine with me."

"Great, I'll pick you up then," Matthew replied. He put his hands on his own hips. "Now the cashbox problem. What should we do?"

Chan shrugged. "I have to report it to the principal, otherwise there will be trouble."

"Yes, but that will damage your reputation immensely."

A frustrated sound escaped Chan. "I know ... But I can't find the money by myself. ”

Matthew tapped his chin. "You don't have to either," he mused aloud, "we could also search together. We all, I mean. ”

Chan shook his head. "I can't ask you to do that."

"Chan ..."

He shook his head again. "I can do it. Trust me."

* * *

Chan was afraid. With every second he waited longer, it would be worse if it came out that he had known all along that the cashbox was gone. But he did not want to give up without a fight. He had to take responsibility for it himself.

He ultimately decided to go to the principal the next day and report the theft, but also ask him to keep it as internal as possible so that he could interrogate the teachers if they had seen anything suspicious. As long as it did not come out as a scandal, he might be allowed to keep his position. He could possibly argue that panic could break out if it became known that the school's earnings had been stolen.

So far the plan would be set. No worries about it anymore. There were other things to do, after all. For example, tidying up, studying, clarifying everything organizational for the swimming competition.

He entered his room and put his school supplies there before opening the window to ventilate. Slowly he crouched on the bed and tilted his head back before at the ceiling.

Only today was left. Then he would be 17 years old. Still, he had not done the test yet.

He swallowed hard.

It could not be. It could not be that he was so afraid of a piece of paper.

With a racing pulse, he opened the drawer of the bedside table and took out the packs. He looked at them for a long time, and then took one.

He would have to go to the toilet anyway, so why would he not just do it? Everyone was convinced that he was an Alpha, so he had to look like one. What was the likelihood that he was not?

Exactly. And being a Beta was okay too.

"Don't be like this, Bang Chan," he warned himself, pulling the strip out of the pack before scurrying into the bathroom.

He could do it. Just a little test. It would be over in a moment.

Still, his hands were shaking and they could not stop. "Shhh ... calm down," he whispered to himself, swallowing hard again, "everything will be fine. It’s just a test. Out of interest. In the end it doesn't matter. ”

No, it didn't matter. Obviously not. Otherwise he would not be so nervous and would not have avoided this damn test strip for so long. Yeah. Totally did not matter. 

He cared about his current life because he had believed that he could control everything himself. He could do whatever he wanted and be happy with all his loved ones and his passions.

He sat on the toilet and held his breath. He waited and waited ... until he noticed that he was actually so tense that he could not even pee anymore.

A little annoyed by himself, he rolled his eyes and groaned.

Relaxation. Relaxation. Relaxation.

He tried to relax his body and think of insignificant stuff, which could also loosen his mind a little. With breathing as calm as possible, he closed his eyes and concentrated on getting rid of the knot in his chest.

It worked.

He waited a few moments and inhaled sharply before pulling the strip out. It would take a few more minutes for the result to come out. Until then, it felt like several ages.

Chan tipped his toes nervously on the tiled floor and maltreated his lip between his teeth.

Since he could not stand it anymore, he put the test on the edge of the sink and paced the room. Maybe he could just throw the test away without looking at it.

He shook his head instantly. No, if he had already started this procedure, he had to go through it.

After a few minutes, he looked again at the test strip, which was actually starting to take on colour.

He immediately stood at the sink and stared at the test. His pulse shot up and he narrowed his eyes as he reached for the result in slow motion.

Cold. 

The floor tiles under his naked feet were cold. Hands clutching desperately onto the brink of the sink. This caused the knuckles turning white. Whiter than his pale skin, which was sticky because of sweat. 

The dark hair hung over his forehead and covered almost his eyes. Being tensed he stared at the strip, which kept slipping deeper into the sink. 

His heart was beating incredibly fast, making him shiver and cramp. It was hardly to describe how overwhelming the sensation was. 

It was a mess containing fear, anger, desperateness and disappointment. He was afraid of realizing the situation and having to face the consequences. 

He gulped heavily and noticed how the first tears were burning in his eyes. 

No, crying was horrible. Crying would make everything real. He could not live on normally. Then everything beautiful which he had built up would be over. His hobbies, his reputation, fucking everything. 

The thought alone was destructive and ate up his brain internally, causing a headache. A cruel headache which would devour him like parasites.

His eyes were opened widely out of shock and sweat beads streamed slowly down over the side of his forehead, moving on to his cheeks until they reached his jawline. Carefully he wiped them away and closed his eyes. 

Cold. 

It was so cold. 

Out of anger Chan knocked over the trash can and was about to scrunch up the test. But the information, which he was holding, was too important. Tossing it away would not change anything.

The blue stripe could not be deleted. Even if Chan was not looking at it anymore it would still be present. 

He leaned against the door and began to sob before gliding down to the floor. He pulled in his legs and hid his face between his knees, still gripping the paper between index and middle finger, while sensing the cold within every inch of his body.

His life which he had been knowing until now was officially over. Because of feeling his upcoming switching moods he was sure about his hormones crashing his whole system. It would not take long until he had his tattoo. With his ill-luck it would appear on an obvious spot like his hand or neck. 

If this happened he would be ready to throw himself out of the window. 

"Fuck, okay, calm down." His voice echoed from the walls back, hounding goosebumps along his arms. He stood up and got rid of his T-Shirt. Perhaps a bath would be a good idea to calm his nerves. Although he could not wash his worries away. Nevertheless, every little bit of his body was tense. He needed to order his thoughts. 

Chan took off his clothes fully and eyed his body in the mirror. 

Did an Omega look like that? 

Omegas were built fragile and tender. Chan was maybe slim but he was still defined and most importantly strong and robust for his age. There was no chance that he … 

He shivered under this thought and crossed his arms, bending slightly forward. Suddenly it was horrible to look at himself. He was believing to discover more and more flaws. 

Flaws which caused him being not an Alpha in the end. 

Softly sniffing he wiped his last tears away and began to let in some water into the tub. 

Luckily he was alone. Therefore, nobody had witnessed his outburst. Furthermore, he had some time to drown and suffocate himself into self-pity for not being the person which people expected him to be. 

Slowly Chan sank into the hot water, hissing but still loosening up a little bit. He leaned his head on the brink and stared at the ceiling. 

What would happen? What would change? What could he do? 

He closed his eyes and frowned. Maybe he could stay silent about his second gender the rest of his life. No matter what role he was forced into: Chan was committed to fight for what was important to him. 

But it would be more difficult if everybody saw him with different eyes out of nowhere. It would be unbearable. 

“I don’t want to”, he whispered and sat up. Leisurely he washed his body while staring at the water. 

He had not put soap into it, therefore, a reflection was looking back at him. It was blurry, exactly how he was feeling. 

Fuzzy, false, full of flaws. 

While observing his mirror image he felt his frustration growing, knotting itself to a huge block within his body. 

At this moment Chan promised himself something. He promised himself that nobody could ever know about this secret. 

His eyes formed to slits. 

“Well, now it is just you and me.” 

The next moment he heard a door slam shut. “We are back!" That was his mother. She must have picked up Lucas and Hannah.

"I'm in the bathroom!" He shouted back. He wiped his face. For a while he was splashing around in the water and went through various scenarios.

The test may also be wrong. After all, it had no absolute guarantee. Chan had other tests. Or he could go to the doctor. But was it worth it?

He sighed heavily and leaned over the edge of the tub, looked out of the window, and hummed quietly to himself. His throat was dry from crying, but gradually he could grasp the situation halfway. It was painful. At least he had gotten through the worst phase. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Chan, dinner’s ready," Hannah announced, "Mom made lamb."

Chan loved lamb, but this message cheered him up rather mildly. “I'll be right back."

After dinner, he did another test and it indicated blue as well. At first, Chan thought the world was going to end for him a second time, but he took it fairly calmly. He either accepted it or never even realized it. He did not know.

For the rest of the evening he did his duties: study, homework. It was even a relatively humane time when he lay down on his bed in his pyjamas and worked a little on his laptop, trying out ideas for new tracks. Unfortunately, his keyboard was trash, which is why he could not record chords for the instrumental.

For a short time he could pretend the world was still okay. Until the numbers on the digital clock next to his bed would change at midnight.


	8. "Is your marriage official now or ...?"

_ "Chan, wake up." _

The person addressed grumbled and pulled the blanket over his head. He obviously did not feel like getting up. In general, it was a little hard to get him out of bed in the morning.

That did not bother his mother much, which is why she liked to wake him up.  _ “Come on, sweetheart. Get up. ” _

Chan turned around and hid himself. A little disoriented, he laid motionless there and wanted to go back to sleep straight away.

"I made breakfast."

Chan carefully peeked out from under the covers and looked at the tray his mother was holding.

“Your favourite food. Toast with vegemite, pancakes with peanut butter and banana and bacon with eggs.” Her tone had become alluring. She approached him and put the tray next to it on the bedside table.  _ "Happy Birthday." _

_ "Don't say it." _ Chan sat up and ran his hand through his tangled curls. "I'm still 16, young and fresh."

His mother laughed. “You are young and fresh at 17 too. Maybe even a tad fresher.” She picked up the tray again and carefully placed it on his lap this time. "Should we go to the doctor?"

Chan promptly shook his head. He briefly considered asking his mother about the tests. After all, it was obvious that she had already discovered them anyway.

But he did not dare to ask.

"Just let me know if you need anything," she said, getting up before leaving his room.

Chan looked at the breakfast. He did not know how to eat everything, but he started anyway. After all, he was able to eat almost three-quarters of it until he had to surrender.

He laid in bed for another ten minutes and checked out social media. He did not usually do that, but liked to get up as quickly as possible. Besides, his mother had woken him up earlier than usual today and he also had no motivation to move.

At some point, however, he had to conform to his routine, which is why he put his phone aside and got ready for school.

His family welcomed him downstairs, which he laboriously accepted with a smile. He really did not want to mess up the mood because it was cute how everything was decorated here, and he was practically showered with hugs and kisses.

His father was already at work, so he would receive his gifts later, but Hannah was too impatient. She proudly handed over a self-made colourful chain and gave Chan pink clips, which she had designed herself.

"Thank you," Chan said with a happy smile and put the chain around his neck before he pushed two of his dark curls back on one side with two barrettes. He kissed her forehead gently.

Then he said goodbye and left the house. The whole time he felt a stab in the chest, held the spot and tried to swallow the big lump in his throat. The pressure and pain came probably from all the stress he put on himself.

Firstly, he had to settle the matter with the cash register. That was at the top of his list. Then he could devote himself to his emerging identity crisis. He smiled a little bitterly. If only it was as easy as ticking off the items on a to-do list.

He arrived earlier than most of the students and went straight to the secretariat, where he requested to talk with the principal. But he was at an appointment.

“Can you tell him that I want to see him in the first break? It doesn't take long either,” he said.

"Try it on the second break," the secretary recommended, "Rector Jung has a lot to do today."

Chan nodded. “I'll do that. Thank you." He left the secretariat.

There were a lot of students already in the building. After all, the beginning of the first lesson would be in ten minutes.

On the way to the classroom he met Momo, who was smiling broadly at him.

"Happy birthday, Mr. Head Boy," she greeted him cheerfully, which Chan acknowledged with a more tortured smile. She dropped a somewhat stupid-looking curtsey and rummaged in her bag. "I even have something for you."

"Momo, this isn't necessary, really."

She shook her head. "I think you'll be very happy." She took out a stack of paper and held it out to Chan.

Confused, he accepted it and inspected the papers. Shortly thereafter his eyes widened. "That's impossible!" He sucked in the air sharply. "Those are the lists for the project days!", He stated and looked back and forth between the papers and Momo. "Oh my god, I thought they would be lost forever!"

Momo giggled. "Each of us thought that. But Mark found them in the financial records. The forms somehow look pretty similar, so it's easy to make mistakes within the archive.” Amused, she folded her arms. "Perhaps we should consider how we can differentiate the paperwork in the future."

Chan nodded in confirmation. "It just made my day five times better." He exhaled in relief. "Thank you."

Chan had been bothered by the matter of the lists for days, and finally getting rid of this burden felt wonderful.

Momo picked up the lists again. "I'll bring them quickly into the classroom and sort them. This time into the right folder.”

Chan nodded and gave her the key. They solved business quite often like this. 

She winked at Chan. "See you later in the break?"

"Sure. See ya."

Momo looked briefly over her shoulder as she left. "Cute clasps, by the way!" She grinned and Chan returned the gesture.

He waved at her and leaned against the wall, smiling, holding his hand against his chest. It was only a small part of the total load, but at least something good had happened.

He winced slightly when he felt a burning sensation beneath his chest. Before he could wonder too much about it, it was gone. "Weird," he murmured to himself.

However, he had to hurry to get to class in time because the room was in the west wing of the school, and he was currently on the other side. Consequently he sped up, so he would not be late for Korean.

There were already some students in the room, including Matthew and Minho.

"Heyho, there is the birthday boy," Minho said, "Best wishes, man." He patted his shoulder.

The statement caught the attention of others, and the students surrounded Chan and congratulated him.

Chan was visibly uncomfortable, but he did not have to endure the turmoil for long because the teacher entered the room.

He quickly sat down next to Matthew and exhaled audibly.

"Are you right?" The older one asked.

"Yes sure." Chan smiled weakly. "It's just a little bit too much."

Matthew looked at him understandingly. "By the way, I have a surprise for you."

Chan listened before looking at Matthew admonishingly. "You’re unbelievable. I can’t accept this."

"But you have to, otherwise I'm sad." Matthew pouted before grinning. "Come on, Chris."

Chan could not answer because they were warned to be quiet. They then focused on the tasks in the book.

After two less exciting lessons, Chan followed Matthew out of the classroom.

"You have to close your eyes."

"But I don't want to fall down the stairs," Chan stated.

Matthew held out his hand. "I'm making sure that you'll arrive safely."

Chan hesitated at first, then grabbed the other's hand and let himself be blindly led by him.

Admittedly, he was extremely curious about what Matthew had come up with. Especially since it made his heart flutter that the older one had even been bothered to organize something. And although Chan cursed his birthday, he could not help but be happy about the gesture.

"You can open your eyes now."

Chan did as he was told and saw a garland with the words "Happy Birthday" over the school kiosk. A little confused, he looked at Matthew. "I don't understand, sorry."

Matthew laughed. "I didn't expect that you would." As before, he held Chan's hand and directed him closer to the stand, which had been besieged by only a couple of students. They had been probably dismissed a little bit earlier from class as well because the break officially started in a few minutes.

"You used to buy your breakfast here. Before you became head boy.”

"Yes, back when I still had time for that," Chan muttered.

Matthew nodded. "And you ordered the same thing almost every day. A cup of cocoa because you don't like coffee, two large cookies with pieces of chocolate and a cake that you pervasively stuck between the cookies. Preferably cheesecake.”

Chan looked at him embarrassed. "Is that supposed to be a gift or do you just want to mock me?” At the same time, he could not get over the fact that Matthew was apparently watching him. He did not really know whether it was flattering or disturbing.

"Sorry," Matthew apologized with a smile, "at least I noticed that other students also ordered this combination. I asked them and in the end it came out that the trend was really yours.” He pointed his finger at the card which was pinned to the wall next to the kiosk. "That's why I spoke to the nice kiosk lady and she also noticed that this is a popular order. I asked if it wouldn't be wiser to turn it into an offer so more people could buy it.” Matthew smiled. "And I was allowed to choose the name."

Chan looked at the list and recognized the name "Dan-Chan".

"Sweet Chan? That's such a bad pun," he said, blushing red. He could not believe that was happening. It was probably the most original gift he had ever received. Chan loved food, especially from this kiosk, and now there was a menu named after him?

It was so weird and at the same time so incredibly sweet and sweet and sweet that he simply hugged Matthew. "Thank you," he whispered, noticing that the tears were burning in his eyes. What the hell?

Okay, Chan was emotional and devoted, but he usually did not cry because of something like that. Fucking hormones.

Matthew also noticed that something was wrong and looked Chan in the face before brushing away the tears with his thumbs. "Hey, don't cry. You should be happy." He laughed warmly and looked at Chan like ... yes, how was he looking at Chan?

Chan would like to describe it as "full of love", but the thought frightened him, which is why he largely ignored it and continued to stare at the card, still touched by the gift.

"Sweet 17 and such a lively hormone balance," Matthew teased.

"Oh, shut up," Chan muttered, but he still had to smile, "And? Do you want to share a Dan-Chan with me? ”

"You could easily eat it alone."

"Oh, I could easily eat three of them," Chan replied with a laugh. It was no secret that he had an insane appetite. "But my mother made me breakfast this morning, so I shouldn't overdo it."

Matthew approached the booth with him and smiled at the kiosk lady Choi.

"Good morning, Jinseok, did the surprise succeed?" She asked with a big grin. She was about 50 years old, a little chubby and had an incredibly cute face.

Usually Matthew did not like it when he was called with his Korean name. Maybe he felt too “American” for that. However, he was so enthusiastic about his gift’s success that he could just nod with excitement. "We would like to have a Dan-Chan then." He could not help smiling at the words.

"Which cake?"

Matthew turned to Chan, who was already looking at the different cakes in the showcase.

"Cheesecake with blueberries!" He chose, pointing almost like a small child with his finger.

Matthew wanted to die immediately at this adorable sight. 

The saleswoman handed over the cookies and the cake to the two and turned around so that she could get the cocoa.

Meanwhile, Chan was already putting the sweet sandwich together.

Matthew took the cocoa and nodded towards Mrs. Choi.

Together they went to the cafeteria, where the others were waiting. On their way they ran into Momo, who waved Chan. He thanked her for the lists once again.

"Ah, so at least that cleared up," Matthew stated.

Chan nodded and bit into his own creation. "I'm really glad that it's settled."

They entered the room and looked for their friends, who they quickly localized.

When he got to the table, Matthew put down the cocoa, from which he had taken a sip.

Chan pushed the food over to him and took the mug, putting his lips on the spot where Matthew's mouth had been seconds before.

Seungmin raised an eyebrow. "Is your marriage official now or ...?"

Then Chan choked and coughed, put the mug down on the table and took the napkin which Matthew held out to him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He finally asked, frowning. Before anyone could answer, Matthew held out the crust from the cheesecake to Chan.

“You don't want to?"

"You like the end of the cake so much." Matthew nibbled on a cookie.

Chan stuffed the whole piece into his mouth, smiling what made him look like a fish.

Matthew then tapped his cheek. "You have to chew."

"That's exactly what Seungmin meant," Jeongin interjected, drinking his strawberry milk.

Both turned red simultaneously and looked at each other.

"Oh, you all are stupid," Chan said, laughing embarrassed, whereupon he avoided Matthew's gaze.

No, this was not good. His friends noticed a certain tension between them.

Normally, Chan would not see it as a bad thing, but the fact that he was probably an Omega made the situation about a hundred times more difficult. There was this picture of weak, entranced Omegas, drooling after their Alphas and Chan did not want to be like that at all.

He loved his independence too much.

"We could talk about the outside run instead," Chan suggested, "do you have the papers with you? Then I'll hand them to Jae over today. ”

The boys pushed the envelopes with the money and the letter of acceptance across the table to Chan, who collected them.

"We still need a name," Felix mentioned, "and I have a cool idea."

"Okay, does anyone else have any suggestions?" Seungmin cut in.

Felix immediately complained. "That's really unfair of you! At least listen to my suggestion, Seungmeanie."

Seungmin's lips curled. "All right. Spit it out."

Felix cleared his throat. "I thought of the name  _ Stray Kids _ . You know, since we are often kind of lost."

"The name actually sounds really cool," Jisung clinked himself into the conversation, "How did you come up with that?"

"Do you remember the amusement park?"

The others nodded.

"And there was this funhouse with a glass labyrinth," Felix reconstructed the story, "At first only Jisung and I went, but got lost completely. Then Hyunjin came in and wanted to get us out, but somehow we were all disoriented afterwards.”

"And it had been going on like this until almost everyone except Matt and Chan were in," Jisung said, swimming in nostalgia, "Even Seungmin got lost."

Thereupon Seungmin sulked and crossed his arms. "It was just confusing."

"Yesterday I flipped through the photo album and found pictures of the amusement park. I somehow had to think about this incident again," Felix concluded the story, "That's why I chose this name. It's cool for a parkour runner group.”

"Yes, I like it too," Chan claimed, "who wants this name?"

Everyone raised their arms. Except for one person.

“What do you have against the name?” Jisung asked, pouting.

Matthew scratched the back of his neck. “Well, it’s Stray  _ Kids. _ That’s not very flexible. One day we will be adults.”

“I think that it can be used as a metaphor,” Chan explained, “Everyone has a childish side, no matter what age.”

Matthew seemed to hesitate, but he considered the explanation. “Fine,” he ultimately agreed, “The name’s alright.” He was not super supportive of it, but at least he seemed chill about it (it was just a name after all).

"Well, that would be settled then." He took another sip of the cocoa and noticed that Matthew sniffed on him subtly.

The blush shot into his face as he panicked about the pheromones. As if he was already spraying some ... It was probably because of the test. Because he secretly knew that he was 100 percent an Omega, even if he did not want to admit it yet. That was why the processes started faster.

"Are you using a different deodorant?" Matthew asked curiously, "You smell very different. And stronger." His eyelids dropped slightly, leaning towards Chan's neck.

Chan coughed with embarrassment. "I used a perfume which my mother bought for me. Sorry if it smells unpleasant. I just wanted to try something new.”

Matthew frowned in surprise. "Oh, perfume. I rarely use perfume.”

“I mean, they’re expensive after all,” Minho said.

It was known in their group that Matthew's family was not the richest, which is why he found studying very important to get out of this spiral. Not that they were totally poor - after all, he could also do trivial things like going to the movies or eating ice cream - but it was sometimes a little bit tricky with the money.

Different from Chan's family. Chan had never had to worry about the finances. Sometimes he felt guilty if Matthew refused to come with them because he had to save money. He did not want to be invited by his friends every time.

"Although my mother gifted me one." Matthew sounded apathetically, because he was still practically inhaling Chan's smell.

Chan believed that Matthew's eyes darkened and the older breathed a little harder.

In addition to all the feelings of shame, he also noticed that it flattered him. The kind of effect on the other pushed his ego in a very bizarre way.

"What's the brand?"

Slowly the panic crept up. "It's a no-name perfume. Really nothing special ...” He felt incredibly warm. He wanted to ask Matthew to stop snooping, but his throat was dry.

"You should apply it more often. It smells really … ” In the meantime he breathed against Chan's ear, which gave the affected person goosebumps all over his body.

The school's bell finally released him and announced that the next lesson would begin.

Chan jumped up immediately and left the table. His heart had never pounded so fast in his entire life - he almost felt sick from it. He was just glad that he now had physics alone while Matthew and Minho had to go to biology classes.

"Shit, shit," he murmured. His pheromones actually worked. He had less time than expected. Under those circumstances, he would have to go to a doctor who could prescribe pills for him.

He had not thought that far.

That he was an Omega was a damned problem in itself. That he was an Omega and was literally close to someone like Matthew - an Alpha - made the damn problem a disaster. 

How was he supposed to meet Matthew normally tomorrow?

* * *

After having thrown the envelopes for the declaration of consent to the outer race into the mailbox of the sports school, Chan went to a pharmacy.

He had informed himself on the Internet and found out that for the time being, certain medications could also be bought without a prescription. Like this he could bridge the time to the first doctor's appointment. The pills might not be as strong and have unpredictable aftermath, but he could not die from it, so the downsides were secondary.

When he got to the store, he inspected the shelves. There was a whole medicine section for Omegas, and he would have loved it if it was not so isolated. Full of paranoia, he kept looking around to the left and right, but at this time he seemed to be the only one here.

He rummaged through the various packs and came across the pills for male Omegas. He read the instructions and checked the contents to avoid reckless buying.

As soon as the doorbell rang, his head whipped around.

He would have expected everyone in the world. Several schoolmates, some of his friends, a teacher, for God's sake, it could have been Matthew to make the scenario as clichéd as possible.

But it was his mother.

He inhaled sharply and bent down behind a shelf.

She had only talked about doing her nails and ordinary shopping. Why the hell was she in a pharmacy?

He wanted to leave as soon as possible. Just putting the pills away and coming back sometime later, but he paused when he heard her speaking.

"I wanted to ask if you have any products for tattoos here? Some kind of spray or something? ”

"For the prevention of infections?"

"Yes, exactly."

He peeked around the corner of the shelf and saw his mother talking to the employee at the counter.

"Your child’s 17?" the worker asked, meanwhile searching in different drawers.

"It's my son's birthday." Chan's mother smiled. "And I saw ... well, that he did tests. Therefore the precaution.”

An ice storm ran down his back. Of course he had known that his mother had been in the picture for a long time about the tests, after all she had seen the packs.

But she had just said that she was a witness of the test being  _ done already _ .

He thought feverishly and wondered if he had really been so stupid to leave one of the blue stripes in the bathroom. He wanted to cry on the spot.

"Oh, really? Do you know the result?” The woman behind the counter handed over a packet to Chan's mother and accepted the money.

"Yes. I found it in his room.” She put her hand over her mouth and chuckled, embarrassed. "He probably wanted to hide it."

"It's always incredibly embarrassing for teenagers." The woman laughed. "Anyway: I wish you good luck. Children are so moody at that age."

Chan stayed behind the shelf until he heard the doorbell again. His body was completely numb when he dragged himself to the counter and put the pack of pheromone pills down.

"This makes 23.500 won, please. ”


	9. "Surprise!"

"Oh shit, shit!" Matthew swore as he pulled the burnt cake out of the oven.

It was only nine o'clock in the morning and his nerves were completely at their limit. He was not particularly clumsy in the kitchen, but this time he was constantly distracted. After all, there was still a lot to do: he had to pack his luggage, he was neither showered nor he had brushed his teeth and he was apparently allowed to bake the cake again.

Maybe he should pick up Chan later, which would only increase his nervousness.

The next moment his cell phone rang.

"What?", he asked a little bit harshly.

"Already so stressed?” There was a bright laugh from the other end of the telephone connection. 

A heavy sigh followed. "Sorry, I let the cake burn to ash."

There was a crackle this time. "I thought that if you were in love, you would over-salt the food and not burn it."

Matthew put his hand on the back of his neck and inevitably felt the heat creep into his face. "Minho, you're no help at all. Instead of making fun of me, you could come here and help me.”

Minho agreed and hung up. It would take him 20 minutes with the bike, enough time to shower and get dressed.

Matthew liked to talk with Minho about his problems. It was easy since the younger one tended to be more mature around certain topics compared to the rest of the group. Although the age gap was not that big, it was sometimes a bit difficult to interact with the others. Matthew genuinely liked them, however, it was not possible to be intimate with everyone.

It did not matter whether he would call Minho his best friends or not. They were close and it came from both sides. After all, they had been knowing each other for quite a while. This was enough.

It was almost ridiculous for Matthew to stand in front of the closet, brooding over what to wear. He wanted to look good, of course, but he preferred not to make it too obvious that meeting Chan alone was a big deal for him.

He could not worry for a long time because the doorbell was already ringing.

With only a towel around his waist, Matthew hurried to the door and opened it after he had checked through the spy that it was Minho.

Once he had hastily opened the door, believing to see his best buddy standing there, even though it was the nice neighbor from across the street who had wanted to bring flowers from her garden. But that was a completely different story.

Minho paused and then moved his eyes over Matthew's body. "Okay, who are you and what did you do with Matthew?"

Matthew frowned and stepped aside to let him in. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

As usual, Minho kicked the shoes off his feet and hung up his jacket. "Since when have you been putting on so much muscle mass? Especially so fast?”

"What do you mean with 'so fast'? The last time you saw me shirtless was months ago," Matthew answered, walking past him into his room.

As so often, his parents were working. Even though both were working full-time, the Kim family lived quite modestly. Not necessarily a bad thing, but compared to his friends, their standard of living was definitely lower.

"Still ... the difference is sick." Minho followed and smiled when he saw the clothes spread out on the bed. He already knew what that meant.

"The doctor said that the alpha genes being activated cause my body to produce more testosterone and somatropin, which in turn supports muscle building," Matthew explained, returning to his clothes problem, "It doesn't matter now. I don't know what to wear.”

"I can see that," Minho commented amusedly and dropped himself onto the desk chair, "What kind of style do you want?"

Matthew rummaged in his little closet, humming. "I don't want to be overdressed, but getting dressed the same way is also lame, isn't it?"

Minho rose and pushed Matthew aside. "I'm not the greatest fashionista, but I can take a look. Your judgment doesn't seem to be useful when you burn a simple sponge cake.”

Thereupon Matthew murmured something not very nice, but let Minho choose his clothes anyway. The younger one watched the selection carefully before deciding: a ripped, light jeans and a white t-shirt. "Put on a cap or something. I think it suits you well."

It was pretty plain, but Matthew was not dissatisfied with the choice and looked at himself in the mirror.

"Well, let's take care of the cake now," Minho suggested. He was quite handy in the kitchen, which is why they had solved this problem an hour later.

Matthew was just putting the cake on the living room table (because it was cooler here) when he heard the message tone from his cell phone.

**Chris**

Hey, when are you coming over? (● ´ω ｀ ●)

_ 10:45 _

Inevitably, Matthew smiled.

Chan used so many emojis while texting. Basically, he chatted in a "bubbly" way. It was like mirroring his real life personality.

Matthew was not a big fan of texting, but with Chan it was different because the younger made it so personal. Almost like a real conversation.

Although, of course, the reality could never be surpassed.

**You**

In half an hour

_ 10:46 _

**You**

sorry for being late

_ 10:47 _

**Chris**

Alright, no problem uwu

_ 10:47 _

**Chris**

I'm happy to see you at all

(づ ｡◕‿‿◕｡) づ

_ 10:49 _

**You**

Me too <3

_ 10:51 _

Matthew immediately panicked.

He had sent a heart. He never sent hearts. In general, he was very frugal with emojis because he rarely thought about using them and now he just had ...

He immediately closed his messages and tried to suppress the feeling of shame that was emerging.

"Something wrong?"

Matthew shook his head vigorously. "You'll take the cake with you?"

Minho nodded. "Yup. I'll meet Hyunjin so we can put our playlists together.” He packed his things. "Call Felix as soon as you go to Chan. He, Seungmin and Jeongin are going to bring the decoration into the house.”

Matthew gave a thumbs up to confirm.

Now it was really time to start operation "Chan's birthday".

* * *

"Oh, shit, shit!" Chan swore, running a hand over his torso. He already recognized the first lines of his tattoo beneath his chest, and they burned like hell.

He hissed and placed a cold, damp cloth on it, hoping to lower the pain, but it did not get much better. "Fuck, it hurts so much," he murmured softly.

Shortly afterwards there was a loud knock on the bathroom door. "Chaaan, I have to pee," Hannah complained and knocked again.

"Sorry, princess, I'm nearly finished!" Chan apologized and quickly put on his clothes. Without looking at his little sister he brushed past, disappeared into the room and threw himself on the bed.

Only two minutes ago he had read the last message from Matthew and now he only wanted to die from the pain. He knew he should go to the doctor right away, but how should he? That was unfair, after all, he was not even mentally ready for it.

There was another knock.

"What now?!" Chan replied rather pudgy, which was definitely not typical for him.

His mother entered the room hesitantly. "Darling, you still have to go for a walk with Berry. ”

"Yeah, I'll do it when Matt comes over," Chan said, rolling away from her.

"But you're not even dressed properly."

"Man, I know that! Now please, just go.” Frustrated, Chan dropped his face into the pillow, which he hugged almost in protest against the whole world. He still felt his mother's presence and raised his head again. "What?"

She smiled, almost amused. "Are you in love?"

He blushed suddenly. "What makes you think that?!"

"Mood swings occur at your age when you're in love." She leaned against the door frame. "Is it Jinseok?"

"OUT!" Chan called, whereupon his mother gave up, laughing, and actually left the room.

Since when did he react so annoyed?

He rolled off the bed and ignored the sting under his chest as best he could. So he finally dressed up and packed his backpack, where Berry's toys also found their place in it.

Then he groped down the stairs and hung the backpack on the coat hook.

His mother looked at him in surprise. "You are wearing the shirt I bought you." A smile accompanied her words. "I thought you didn't like it. You look so good."

Chan mumbled a "thanks" and looked at himself in the living room mirror. Spontaneously, he decided to braid the hair backwards. Before he knew it, he noticed that his appearance was so much softer than usual. And he did not know whether he liked or hated it. There was that tiny little moment when he realized that this look was appropriate and he was comfortable.

The thought scared him. The idea of this petty, fragile Omega caused goosebumps. He did not want to identify with it.

The doorbell ripped him out of his thoughts.

"Berry!" He called, whereupon the little dog ran towards him. He picked her up and searched for the leash before attaching it to the collar.

Hannah happily jumped down the stairs. "I'll open!" She opened the door boldly and looked up.

Matthew lifted the cap slightly and smiled. "Good day."

With wide eyes, she stared at him before turning her head back. "Chan! There's a prince at the door! ”

Then Matthew laughed warmly.

Chan stepped out into the corridor and waved to him. "Hello, Prince," he greeted him teasingly and let Berry sit on the floor before putting his shoes on.

"You look cute."

Chan, embarrassed, put on a jacket and thanked him. He ruffled his nose slightly when he noticed an attractive scent. It took a few seconds before he realized that it was Matthew's pheromones.

Nice crap. Do not let anything show.

"See ya later, mom!" he called over his shoulder and stepped over the threshold. However, he noticed that Hannah was still standing there, staring at Matthew. 

"Does something bother you, little angel?" he asked her.

The little girl shook her head and waved, so that Chan would bend down to her.

Chan dropped to his knees, whereupon Hannah kissed him on the cheek and then closed the door behind the two boys.

"I think she likes you," Chan guessed, descending the stairs.

"For sure?" Matthew raised an eyebrow. "She was just looking at me like I was an alien."

Chan shook his head and laughed. He leaned over to Matthew. "I'll tell you a little secret."

Matthew nodded.

"Hannah said that she wanted to marry a prince at some point in her life." Chan winked at him and clicked his tongue so Berry would stop to pull on the leash.

"Do you want to couple me up with your sister now?"

Chan had to laugh again. "Not in this life." He looked up to the sky and enjoyed the sun's rays which finally broke through the clouds. "I hope it's okay for you that Berry comes with us. Or have you planned something specific?”

"Yeah, I have, but I wanted to go to the park with you anyway, so that's okay."

They walked side by side in silence.

Chan did not find the silence uncomfortable. Much more unpleasant was the fact that Matthew's smell burned his nose more and more and made his body twitch slightly as the sweat broke out on the back of his neck.

"Matt, are you swallowing something?" he asked bravely.

"Pardon?"

Chan cleared his throat. "Against your ... you know."

Matthew blinked in confusion before his expression lit up in the familiar "ah reaction". "Ah, you mean my pheromones? No, I don't take any pills.” He put his hands into his jeans pockets. "I tried some, but usually I suffer from very strong side effects. I'm still looking, but we don't have many Omegas at school anyway.”

That was evident. Omegas were 80 percent female, and since there were very few girls at their school, it made sense for Matthew to refrain from suppressing his pheromones.

"Why do you ask? Can you sense them yet?”

Chan shook his head hastily. "I just wanted to ask out of pure interest." He quickly distracted himself by looking ahead. "Look, we're already there."

Now Chan's thoughts started being about how good Matthew actually smelled. Really good. It was somehow fresh, but also spicy. Ginger?

Chan felt a little ridiculous because he could figure out exactly what Matthew smelled like. At the same time, he wondered how he smelled himself. Unfortunately, you could not sniff out your own pheromones.

They walked a few ways and enjoyed the good weather. They did not really talk much, but it was not an uncomfortable silence. It was the exact opposite. 

Chan appreciated being able to spend time with someone without having to talk all the time. He liked to talk, but he also liked being accompanied without any requirements. Perhaps that was interpreted a little too much, but Matthew was practically conveying that Chan's presence was enough for "entertainment". At least he did not look bored in a second.

Gradually Berry pulled on the leash as a sign that she wanted to play. They then looked for a place to let her go.

"You've applied perfume again," Matthew said, when they sat down on a bench, and Berry was allowed to frolic in the grass on the dog meadow. Of course Chan kept a close eye on her.

"Have I? Um, yes. I have. My mother is always very happy about it." Chan had nearly ruined his facade. 

He was a little irritated. He had swallowed a capsule this morning so Matthew should not be able to smell his pheromones, but apparently it was not strong enough.

Matthew leaned over. "Have you applied less today?" He sniffed curiously and accidentally nudged Chan's neck. "You smell like vanilla. And something else…”

Chan's face became hot. He got up with slight fear, the ball in his right hand. "Berry! Catch!” He threw the toy and took a few steps away from Matthew.

The situation was too uncomfortable for him. It had probably been a stupid idea to go out with Matthew. Especially since it started to burn under Chan's chest again - a constant reminder of the situation he was currently in.

He had been convinced this morning that he could just continue to live his life as before.

"Well done." He took the ball from the dog and stroked her head before throwing the toy again.

Matthew stood next to him and gave him a bag.

"What's that?" Chan asked flustered.

"Fruits. I thought you might want to feed the ducks.”

Chan's eyes lit up instantly. After all, ducks were cute. Sure he wanted to feed them.

He put Berry back on the leash and went with Matthew over to the lake, where they sat on the bank and threw pieces of fruit into the water.

"You're a little weird today," Matthew commented, "are you all right?"

"Yes, of course. I ... I'm just confused," Chan admitted sheepishly, throwing more pieces at the greedy beaks.

"I can understand that very well. You may be embarrassed, but everyone goes through this phase.” Matthew nudged him gently. "I'm the last one who would judge you for it."

Chan sighed and placed his head on Matthew's shoulder. A self-torture. He could almost taste the ginger. "I know." His gaze wandered across the light green tufts of grass in front of him before he reached out and picked a few daisies. He put them in Matthew's lap and sat up again.

"My favourite flowers.”

"I know," Chan replied. Somehow he had always known it, except he could not pin down a specific moment when Matthew mentioned it for the first time.

It was probably far too long ago.

Matthew took a flower and stuck it behind Chan’s ear. "Sweet."

Chan opened his mouth a little perplexed and turned his head away. "I'm not sweet."

"Okay." Matthew smiled.

Chan did not even mean it. It was only difficult to accept such a compliment under these circumstances. Above all, Matthew used the word suspiciously often, so Chan was probably not the only one who was a little weird today.

They just sat there for a while and talked about everything: the upcoming run, the annoying teachers at their school, the swimming tournament, ... The time passed surprisingly quickly and Chan realized that he actually had not thought once about the fact that he was now 17.

"Do you want to have ice cream?" Matthew asked, "I'll invite you."

Chan rolled his eyes playfully and smiled cheekily at him. "I'll pay myself." With that he got up and whistled through his teeth, so that Berry would stop burrowing in the flowers with her snout. After that he put on the leash again.

Matthew sighed heavily. "Flirting is more difficult than I thought," he mumbled, following the other.

Chan's cell phone rang. "Hi? Dad?" He listened attentively. "What? You're going to come home earlier today?” A big smile appeared on his face.

His father was pretty busy as an engineer, so he was surprised to see him sooner than expected. He liked spending time with him, although he tended to have more contact with his mother because she was more often at home.

"Ah right, your present," Chan replied, "I'm looking forward to it." He looked down at Berry. "By the way ... can you do me a favor?"

Since his father's way home passed the park anyway, Chan asked him to pick up Berry. She had done enough exercise by now, but Chan wanted to spend more time with Matthew. Earlier he had thought that he could hardly stand it, but after the previous conversation at the lake he was much more relaxed.

It was still Matthew and not a stranger.

His father went to the park by car, and Chan put the dog in the big trunk. After securing her sufficiently, he said goodbye and received a "See you later!" from his dad.

_ "Berry's really cute," _ Matthew claimed, "If you take her for a walk again, I'd like to come with you."

"Sure."

The two of them headed for the ice cream cafe. Chan noticed that Matthew checked his watch pretty often.

"Do you have to go somewhere else today?" he asked curiously.

Matthew promptly shook his head. "Nope, today I am only yours."

The words made Chan's face tingle, which he did not quite understand, but he accepted with a smile.

They both got an ice cream in the waffle and decided to stroll a bit in the city.

At some point Chan realized that Matthew was intertwining their fingers subtly. At first he did not know how to react. Usually Matthew did not do that.

But before he could analyze this behavior in detail, their fingers were already crossed.

Chan, embarrassed, concentrated on his ice cream and glanced through the shop windows, trying to ignore that his heart was playing an epic drum concert in his chest.

"What flavour do you have?"

"Chocolate mint," Chan replied.

"Let me try it."

They stopped, whereupon Chan held out the waffle. Matthew licked the ice cream and smacked quietly, highly concentrated, to evaluate this taste.

"Not that bad. Do you want mango? ”

Chan nodded and leaned forward before taking a big bite.

"Hey! Man, that's not fair!”

Chan laughed and ran away from Matthew, who chased him between the benches. Chan lost track of the people at some point, so he unexpectedly bumped into Matthew, who held him in a tight grip.

"Say that you're sorry!"

"Never!" Chan replied.

Matthew wanted to press his ice cream into his face, which Chan prevented by leaning further back.

They struggled for a while before Matthew simply pulled him into a hug.

Chan was still giggling when he let go of him and looked up at him. The tension between them held on for a few moments until he looked past Matthew and raised his eyebrows. He backed off, walked over to the store and stopped in front of the window.

It showed a collection of collars for Omegas. Chan had never been interested, but when he looked at them now he noticed how detailed these pieces had been made. Small, elegant works of art for the neck. Chan unconsciously grabbed his own neck and swallowed gently.

As beautiful as they looked, he found them cruel.

"Pretty, aren't they?" Matthew said, standing next to him.

"And expensive," Chan added with a skeptical tone.

"They should last a lifetime."

Chan took a step back. "Apparently you know about it, huh? Do you really care so much? ”

Matthew shrugged. "Chan, I'm an Alpha. Of course I’m interested in such things.”

So obviously Matthew wanted an Omega as a partner so that he could give them such a stupid collar. Although he himself had the motto to accept everything as it came and not to look desperately for something.

Chan exhaled audibly. In theory, he would even be qualified, but he was not happy about it. After all, Matthew might only like him for the fact that he was fortunately an Omega which also smelled good like vanilla. 

"Sorry," he said in the end, "I'm just trying to understand."

Matthew cocked his head slightly to one side. "To understand what?"

"This whole system. It confuses me." Chan could not say more. It was incredibly difficult for him to put into words what he actually felt.

"I think everyone has their own ways of dealing with it," Matthew replied, checking the time again, "But let's go back first, okay?"

Chan agreed and walked past the shop window, this time with his hands in his jacket pockets. It was obvious that the conversation unsettled him.

"Are you mad at me?" Matthew asked carefully on the way back.

"What? No." Chan shook his head hastily. "Sorry. I am … ”

"... overwhelmed? I've noticed that.” Matthew climbed up the stairs and looked expectantly at Chan.

"You want to come in?" Chan questioned and unlocked the door.

"If you don't mind."

Chan shook his head again. It was a little strange because on the one hand he wanted to rot alone in his room, but on the other hand he did not want to be completely lonely. Maybe he could make tea to calm his nerves.

"I enjoyed today," Chan said, hanging up his jacket before taking Matthew's.

"Me too. We should do something together more often. ”

Chan went into the living room, still his head towards Matthew. "Yeah, sure."

"Surprise!"


	10. "But he's attractive."

The backpack slid off Chan’s shoulders.

The living room looked like a paint bomb had hit it. The sofas had been pushed aside, garlands hung everywhere, music boxes were set up and there was a table with all kinds of snacks. There was also a huge chocolate cake placed on it, on which a white lettering could be seen:

_ "Shut up and be happy." _

Two helium-filled gold balloons floated in front of the balcony window, forming the number 17.

The whole group stood around the table and his parents were sitting on the couch. All of them grinned broadly as if they had won the lottery.

Firstly, Chan looked at Matthew and then at his other friends.

"I ... _you promised that it had nothing to do with my birthday!"_ he finally snapped at Matthew, "How could you?!" He squeezed past Matthew into the hall and hurried up the stairs, escaped to his room and slammed the door shut.

He quickly locked it and pressed his back against the wood, sank to the floor slowly and pulled his legs up. Frustrated, he buried his face between his knees.

He felt like someone had cheated on him.

Because he had told his friends that he did not want to party. Because of his parents, especially his mother, who knew how much he had resisted. And because Matthew somehow had lied to him partly. After all, he had said that he just wanted to spend more time with Chan. But in the end it was just a stupid distraction for a stupid party.

Chan was aware that he should not have blamed him directly, but it was too late now. He had acted in the moment of suspense and had dragged all his frustration onto Matthew, which made him feel a lot more miserable.

"Fuck ..." He started to cry uncontrollably and put his hands over his face. He was not used to those new, upcoming emotions which had so much more power than usually. Anger, guilt and disappointment were not a good mixture. It was obvious to him that he had just been very unfair and mean, but the resentment did not want to subside.

He slowly ran his hand under his shirt and felt the burning skin. That was exactly what he wanted to forget.

He was not 17. No. That had to be imagination.

Ashamed of his action, he got up and went to his bed before burying himself under the covers. He had never done anything like that. He usually dismounted his pain and tried to cope with it somehow. Now he was lying here and let this emotion monster dominate him.

However, the situation down in the living room was extremely tense.

Matthew blinked and turned around only to realize that Chan was long gone. He opened his mouth several times as soon as he had turned back to the others, but could not utter any sense making words.

"Has the party burst?" Jeongin asked carefully.

"Chan didn't seem like he was in the mood to celebrate," Minho said, just taking off the party hat.

"It doesn't look like him at all," Hyunjin cut into the conversation, "Even if he didn't feel like it, he would never react that way."

The others muttered and started to worry.

Matthew waved it off. “That's normal. His hormones work uncontrollably. I also had a lot of emotional outbursts in the early stages."

“Yes, but you only wanted time for yourself. Chan has just freaked out completely,” Seungmin countered.

Matthew shrugged. “Well, sometimes the changing progresses are noticeable through aggressive tendencies. Everyone reacts differently.” He spoke calmly, trying not to show how much Chan's words had hurt him.

At the same time, he actually felt like an imposter. As if he had just duped the younger one.

Changbin sighed heavily. "I think we should dismantle."

Chan's mother rose. "No. That would be such a waste of your efforts.” She crossed her arms. “I’ll talk to him. Stay here, I'll be right back.”

Chan writhed in pain on the bed when there was a knock on his door. "Whoever is there should go!" Shortly thereafter, he bit his hand to suppress a scream. It felt like someone was slowly scratching his skin with the tip of a knife.

“Chan, please open the door.”

He was silent and suffered as quietly as possible, pain being caused from the tattoo which was forming. He gasped heavily and rolled over onto his back, completely devoid of what to do about the problem.

_ “Open the door.” _

_ "No!" _ he replied defiantly and pushed himself up with trembling arms. He opened the buttons of his shirt with shaking hands and turned to the mirror, where he recognized the bow of his tattoo. It was not finished yet, but you could already guess which Greek letter it would be.

Furious, he grabbed his alarm clock and threw it against the mirror. He was afraid of how aggressive he was at the moment, but everything just became too much for his mind and his body. Sweat beaded on his skin and he breathed even harder with every second.

“Chan! What are you doing?"

He did not answer and slid off the bed, now rolling on the floor while suffering. He still did not know how to deal with it. The tears streamed down his face, and he made gasping noises. He briefly had the thought of wanting to die because he could not stand it anymore.

Suddenly the pain disappeared.

Chan paused, frozen, and waited, trying to see if he was imagining it. But the burning had gone.

Relieved, he rolled onto his back and laid flat on the floor, closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Gradually his foggy mind cleared, causing him to stand up slowly. He hurriedly put on an already worn t-shirt and almost stumbled to the door, which he carefully opened until he could see through a narrow slit.

"Yes?" he asked in a scratchy voice.

His mother looked at him in shock. “You are completely pale! … I mean, paler than usually.” She put her hand on his forehead. “Do you have a fever?" She said nothing, then put her hand down. “Or is it the tattoo?"

Chan hid behind the door, embarrassed. It was almost insane to imagine that he had almost completely freaked out less than twenty minutes ago because of his own birthday.

Now he looked tame like an innocent lamb.

"I'll go down and apologize," he whispered.

It was pretty obvious in his eyes that he had been crying, but the idea of kicking his friends out of the house without explaining anything was an absolute horror to him.

“Are you sure?"

Chan nodded before pausing. "Or maybe I'll talk to Matt first." After all, he had only blamed him for everything.

"May I send him up?"

Chan seemed to struggle with himself before nodding. He left the door open and crouched on the bed, took a deep breath, and wiped his eyes several times with the back of his hand.

Chan's mother returned to the living room, where the other boys were sitting in a circle, talking quietly to each other. The group had never been so calm. “Matthew, do you like to go up? Chan wants to talk to you.”

Matthew seemed to hesitate at first before nodding and heading upstairs.

In the meantime, a number of scenarios played out in his head in a very short period of time. Simultaneously, he made up about ten different apology speeches, but his brain switched to standby when he looked into Chan's room and just saw the other one sitting on the bed. He paid no attention to the shattered mirror.

Chan sat cross-legged and looked almost apathetically out of the window. As soon as the door squeaked, he winced and looked at Matthew. Embarrassed, he shrugged his shoulders and slid back a little before tapping the mattress.

Matthew approached him rather timidly and sat in front of him. "How are you?" he asked gently.

"Not so good," Chan admitted frankly, "To be honest, pretty shit." He puffed his cheeks and clawed his fingers in the blanket. "But I shouldn't have blamed that on you."

“Well, it's ... difficult. I was just surprised by this whole ... thing strikes you so badly.”

“Yes, I ... don't know why. I'm just not exactly me and I'm sorry.” Chan ran a hand through the curly hair. “It's not your fault. I think it's nice that you guys organized a party, but to be honest there were some good reasons why I didn't want to celebrate.”

Matthew nodded understandingly. Something Chan did not think he deserved. 

"Well, I'll let the others know and we'll clean up." He smiled weakly and was about to get up when Chan grabbed his wrist.

Suddenly there was a strong smell of vanilla and peaches in the room.

"Chan?"

As if he had been torn from a trance, Chan immediately let go. “Sorry, I don't know what that was.”

Matthew cocked his head to one side. He let out a rattling breath. “Shall I stay?"

One would think that this was a normal conversation with normal questions. And yet the air had become extremely stuffy here. Maybe it was Chan's look, or Chan's scent, or Chan's milky shoulder, which had appeared under the loose T-shirt when he had reached for Matthew's hand.

Matthew did not exactly understand what this situation was, but it made him lean forward and place his hands onto the mattress next to Chan’s hips before he buried his nose in the crook of the pale neck. He wanted to make sure whether this was really just a very attractive perfume. 

A little overwhelmed, Chan put his hand onto Matthew's chest. "Stop ... stop," he whispered, his face on fire. He looked so fragile, so delicate, so lovely. Really honey-sweet, which drove Matthew's senses crazy.

The moment bursted as it clanked downstairs.

“Jisung! Be careful!"

“Not the plates!”

"Man, Felix, stay away!"

Matthew and Chan looked at each other.

Chan straightened his shoulders and cleared his throat. In less than a second he had regained his strong presence, his aura of authority. With determined steps, he left his room and went downstairs, followed by Matthew, who was still emotionally messed up.

"What's going on here?" Chan asked when he reached the living room.

"Jisung swept the cake off the table," Seungmin explained, "and Felix wanted to pick it up. But then the plates fell down.”

Chan sighed, but then had to laugh and leaned down before picking up the smashed cake. He took a piece and stuck it between his lips. "But it tastes good."

"Matt and Minho baked it," Jeongin said.

“Ah, Minho was involved. That explains the lettering," Chan murmured, smiling slightly.

His heart softened at the thought of his friends standing and baking in the kitchen. His admiration could be seen in his eyes. He looked at the cake and took a bite again.

"Are you staying here?" he asked the group.

“We have sleeping bags with us. So if you want us to stay, then yes,” Changbin replied, pointing to the bags in the corner.

“You’re crazy." Chan stealed some snacks from the other bowls and cut the cake (at least what could still be cut), seeming peaceful, before spreading the pieces on the plates which were not broken.

You did not notice that he did not really want this party. He seemed like the old Chan again. Meek and almost in harmony with himself.

"Changbin, put on some music," Chan ordered and threw himself on the couch before he started eating his piece of cake. 

“Minho and Hyunjin made the playlist. I'm not responsible for the music today.”

As if on command, Hyunjin jumped up and rushed to the music boxes to bring up the playlist. Well, he and Minho had spent hours drafting this list, so of course he was eager to finally play it. At least they had material for eight hours now.

"Cheers to Spotify Premium," Minho claimed, took a glass of coke and toasted toward Hyunjin, who had also picked up his drink and responded to the gesture.

Chan's mother seemed visibly relieved and nudged the father. "Do you want to give your present before we go?"

“Oh yeah, sure!” The father handed an envelope to his son.

Chan then put the plate down. His fingers felt numb when he accepted the gift. There was a strange tingling on his hands as he fumbled for several seconds on the envelope to finally pull out a voucher. "For ... the downtown gym," he asserted, surprised. 

“This is a voucher for the whole year. The offer also contains that you can bring someone with you any time.”

"But it's very expensive there," Chan muttered.

The father grinned. "Yes, but you always talk about that someday you want to be as broad as I am."

Chan rolled his eyes and laughed.

“And I see how much you put into swimming and parkour running. You deserve it, Christopher.” His father patted his shoulder proudly. "Training is something completely different once you have the space and, above all, the equipment."

Chan got up and hugged him. “Thank you very much." He actually smiled honestly and put the voucher back in the envelope.

"We also have a present for you!", Felix and Jisung yelled, probably trying to imitate a choir to make it more festive (however, it sounded very off-key).

Chan watched in surprise as a huge package was pulled out from behind the couch.

"We all paid for it," Changbin explained, patting the huge package.

Chan hesitated and tore open the paper. In fact, curiosity crept up inside him as he saw more and more of the box.

His eyes widened. “Whoa. That's a keyboard,” he said a little stupidly, just staring at the gift.

"Doesn't he like it?" Jeongin whispered to Hyunjin, who shrugged.

“Are you crazy? It’s the best gift ever!” Chan rejoiced. He jumped up and hugged each one of them.

He paused briefly in front of Matthew. After all, the effects of the pills wore off and, moreover, he himself had an extremely strong desire to bury his nose into Matthew's hair to inhale this damn attractive scent.

"What's going on now?" Hyunjin commented and whistled.

Both Matthew and Chan blushed, but laughed before turning away from each other. At least Chan was able to escape the potential hug because his friends were too busy laughing too.

They played music, danced stupidly around the room (although Minho, Hyunjin and Felix could not help to put on a small show), snacked and watched two films. During the first one some were falling already asleep.

Changbin was still one of the awake people, so Chan crawled into the open sleeping bag and put his head onto his chest. 

"I'm sorry that I had been talking the party down like that earlier. I really like having you guys around me. But …"

“... everything’s difficult at the moment. I understand that." Changbin put a hand on the back of Chan's head and stroked over it. "If something bothers you, you can also talk to me about it."

Chan bit his lower lip with a guilty conscience. At least he should tell Changbin. But not here where everyone could potentially wake up.

"What was that with Matt earlier?" Changbin's voice had dropped quite low by now.

Chan raised his head slightly. “What do you mean?"

"Why didn't you want to hug him?"

Chan let out a rasping breath. So how should he find the right excuse? “I ... I don't know. He makes me nervous,” he explained awkwardly.

Changbin smiled. "You like him."

It had been clear that the statement would be completely misinterpreted.

"Changbin, no." Chan blushed a little. “I ... we’re friends. Good friends." He wrapped his arms around Changbin's torso and snuggled closer to him.

"But he's attractive."

"Of course he is."

“I see."

Then Chan punched him in the upper arm and laughed softly. “You idiot." He did not dare to discuss with Changbin further because he was afraid that someone might be listening to their conversation.

"You should be sleeping," Changbin noted.

Chan realized that he was actually pretty exhausted. The hardships of the day had drained his energy. So he just shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his cheek against Changbin's chest.

Nevertheless, it took him a long time to fall asleep because he kept looking back at the scene of himself and Matthew in his bedroom and could only concentrate on his fast-pounding heart.


	11. "Is that Spiderman?"

Chan was sitting at the table in the classroom, brooding over all finances, but he quickly realized that it would not help that much if he did not have the actual money here.

The school administration knew about the crime, but that hardly made things easier for him. It was the exact opposite: If he did not find the cashbox within the next two days, the police would be informed. And so Chan's reputation would be damaged anyway.

"A head boy who loses the office’s box," he murmured contemptuously, "What is this head boy even good for?" He hissed softly when he noticed the sting on his chest. The tattoo had been very irritable since yesterday.

It had developed an inflammation, which in turn should be examined. But he could not go to a doctor because his gender would be registered. Then it would be official:

Bang Chan was an Omega.

He shivered at the idea. He had already opened the letter which informed him about the doctor's visit. But the envelope was under his pillow and had not been touched since then.

He was startled when he heard a vacuum, but then realized that the sound was coming from the cleaning machine which was used by the staff.

Wait, the staff was cleaning?

Irritated, he looked at the clock and saw that the school would close soon. In desperation, he put his hand over his face. He was incredibly tired. Nothing seemed more appealing to him than simply falling into his bed.

But he could not. There was so much to do. However, he should first pack up his things, otherwise he would be thrown out anyway.

As soon as he left the school grounds, he took out his cell phone because his mother sometimes sent him messages, and he could only read them on the way home. Confused, he looked at the high number on the message icon and clicked it. Five messages from Changbin. And he had called him three times.

Chan read the texts before an ice storm ran down his spine. The outside run! He had completely forgotten it.

As fast as possible he hurried to the bike and went home to change quickly.

His mother was perplexed that he was in such a hurry, but did not stop him when he said goodbye hastily and cycled to the hall where the groups should meet with Jae.

The big group was already outside when Chan arrived and locked his bike.

"Finally, he’s here!", Changbin called and already threw the knee and elbow pads to Chan, which he caught more or less skillfully.

“Sorry, I have… ”

“... totally forgotten the time. I know,” his best friend replied, grinning, "What’s important is that you are here now."

The crowd started to move. It was quite impressive how it was guided by Jae without any problems. They paved their way to the city park, and were watched by confused citizens. No wonder, it was overwhelming when a group of over 30 people marched through the city.

They finally stopped at the park gate.

Jae whistled once through his fingers, so that everyone would shut up. “Okay, I'm going to let you inquire about the area here. You can run freely. The only rule: Don't take any obstacles that are higher than about two meters, understand? Be careful and do not bump into innocent pedestrians, and keep in mind that your safety and that of others is paramount.” He looked at his wristwatch. "You have half an hour to let off your steam. We'll meet here again. If you don't have a watch, stay close so you can hear my whistle.” Now he grinned. "Then we play the first few games."

The people spread out, and it quickly became clear that there were a total of four groups in this run.

“Come, Felix! There's a fountain over there!” Jisung informed him excitedly.

"Don't fall into the water!" Chan called after them. He looked around and saw some poles as well as smaller walls and round stones. The path across the meadow led to a stone surface and continued to the next playground, where a few children were having fun.

"And?" Matthew asked with a smile, "Do you want to try out a few heights right away?"

“Is this a challenge or an offer?” Chan did not wait for the answer, but sprinted off and jumped on the first stone block. From there he balanced over the elevated path made of stones and executed a long leap to the narrow wall. There he continued his way. 

Matthew followed and stayed on the line until Chan said goodbye by clinging to a pole that connected two pillars. He swayed over and landed on his feet and hand.

Meanwhile, Matthew made a detour to more blocks and climbed higher and higher.

“Not over two meters, Mattie.”

"I know, Channie."

The older one jumped and grabbed another pole before dropping off.

"Beautiful Lâché," Chan said smugly.

"It’s mind blowing that you can even remember all those terms," Matthew said, "I always do it by feeling."

Chan rolled his eyes jokingly and ran to overcome the wall with a dash vault, for which he first overcame the obstacle with his feet and the rest of his body was dragged along. He ran along the path at a brisk pace and climbed the slide on the playground, which was certainly a crime - but parkour running had no rules. There was only the environment and one's own body.

Chan swung himself along the scaffold rings and finally climbed onto the roof.

Some children stopped playing and watched him.

“Crazy! Did you see that?"

“Is that Spiderman? ”

"But that's dangerous, isn't it?"

Chan waved to the children with a smile and shuffled down again until he was sitting on a wide tube connecting two wooden platforms.

Matthew climbed from below over the intersecting beams and crawled through the tube on which Chan was sitting, before holding onto a metal bar and sliding down. "Wow, we should have started parkour running as kids!" He shouted as soon as he reached the bottom, landing on the sand.

Chan climbed down a net while Matthew walked over to him. Then the younger one practically dropped on him, but was safely caught.

"Yes," Chan said, grinning broadly as he wrapped his arms around the other's neck.

Matthew looked at him with warm eyes until his eyebrows narrowed slightly. "You're wearing the perfume again." He buried his nose in Chan's neck without thinking, which made him gasp.

He pushed Matthew away and smiled a little nervously. "Yes, I am, but that's no reason to snuffle on me like a bear seeking honey." Of course, in all the hurry, he had forgotten to swallow his pills, so he probably smelled like a freshly cut vanilla pod.

Now it was Matthew who rolled his eyes. "Very funny." He nodded towards Jisung and Felix, who were dancing on the edge of the fountain. "Let's go over to the others."

They were there in time to watch Jisung slip and fall into the water.

"What did I say?" Chan said with a sigh.

From far away they heard a laugh, which turned out to be Hyunjin's. He had Changbin and Minho right behind him. “We found a skate park. Full of stairs and poles. It's great to run there.” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the indicated skate park.

Even from the distance you could see people climbing over the ramp with their skateboard or inline skates.

“Seungmin and Jeongin are there too. ”

So they went to the skating area together.

“Come on, Seungmin. It's really not difficult,” Jeongin encouraged his friend, “You take a little run-up and then you jump over the bar.”

Seungmin still seemed to be suspicious. He was not a bad parkour runner, but rather a little uneasy because of the unknown area.

"Jump?", Felix called and started to jog, "You can solve that with an underbar." He had just finished talking before he started to run, and swung under the pole before landing cleanly.

“What? A lazy vault works just as well,” Minho got in and swung himself sideways over the pole.

"The 'lazy' fits quite well in the case," Changbin annoyed him, whereupon he got a glare which would definitely need a license to carry firearms.

"Yeah, I got it," Seungmin grumbled, insulted, "you’re all naturals in parkour running and I’m not. Now stop." He crossed his arms and grimaced.

"Oh, don't say that," Matthew comforted him, "let's just use the last ten minutes to explore the skate park a bit."

Jisung and Felix formed their chaos duo and chased themselves up the stairs, while Felix showed his trick side again and missed no opportunity to make daring jumps.

Changbin crawled through a variety of constrictions, while Hyunjin dashed past everyone and wanted to explore every corner. Chan joined him so they eventually ran a race.

Jeongin even dared to take the ramps, with none of them making sure that he just crossed the two-meter mark.

Meanwhile, Matthew led Seungmin across the square and tried a few tricks with him.

The people around were staring at them and made appreciative sounds when someone made a successful jump or bridged a number of obstacles in record time.

The last minutes went by quickly, which is why they had to return soon.

Jae whistled. “Well, I hope you had fun! We are now playing Takeshi's Castle. There is a nice circular parkour in the west of the park. The four groups merge into two large groups, all right?” He led them to the intended place. There was a net of balls there, which he had probably brought before. “Stray Kids teams up with Exo for team A and Day6 with NCT Dream for team B. I hope everyone is familiar with the rules?”

The murmur was a huge mess, which is why Jae repeated the rules for everyone, just to be on the safe side. "Team A starts with running."

As soon as team B was in the middle, Chan waved all his members from team A over to him. He did not care that he did not even know Exo. Now it was about the game and if everyone was ambitious to win, it did not matter if they were unknowns or not. “My strategy is this: The first ones just run and let themselves be thrown off. Like this, more people can cross the line, okay? Let us act in the spirit of the team.” He winked at the others and held out his hand. "Are you ready?"

Everyone looked at each other and held their hands in the middle before making a common shout.

Chan ran with some of his members and allowed the enemy to hit them. Exo's runners were really good and they made the first points straight away.

The game required a lot of stamina. Nevertheless, Chan ran as one of those who never stopped, but kept making their rounds. He hardly scored any points by himself, but he noticed that his "sacrifice" meant that some other teammates could cross the finish line.

After eight minutes they switched.

Chan could not judge which team was better, but at least he was also a skilled ball player, like Matthew and Hyunjin. The three of them were able to throw off some opponents and Exo also hit many runners. Occasionally the ball slid out of Minho’s hand, which everyone could make fun of.

There was a good mood at the field: there was loud cheering and laughing.

After another eight minutes, Jae stopped the game.

“It stands 32 to 35 for team A!” He clapped. “Good and fair game, guys! Well done. We continue with the jam session. You can mate freely.”

Thus the groups mingled again, which made it possible to make new friends. Chan found Sungjin from Day6 very nice. He quickly learned that he was also the leader. So they played a round of jam session together.

Then they did a big relay tournament, which brought up a lot of excitement again. For this, they changed the place for a somewhat more route-compatible area.

“All right, people! That’s it,” Jae announced, “thanks for joining in. You were great. Hopefully you will be back in the next run.”

Applause was heard.

Surprisingly, Jae came up to Chan. “Hey, man, your group was great at Takeshi's Castle. You are a born leader,” he praised him, “you and Stray Kids … you should take part in real competitions. You have the potential. Good tricksters, enduring runners, strategists and you as a leader.”

Chan looked over at his boys and smiled. "I think we will stay private for now. But thanks. We look forward to coming back to your courses. ”

“I hope so." Jae winked at him. “See you."

The Exo members stood by the rest of Stray Kids and said goodbye to them.

"It was so much fun running with you," Suho, the leader of Exo, said "Hopefully we'll see you again." He held out his hand to Chan to high five him. "You’re a great leader."

"You too," Chan returned the compliment.

His stomach was getting heavy. He would normally be happy to hear such words, but he just got sick. How could it be that everyone saw him as a natural leader if he still belonged to the Omegas? What the hell was even this instinctive judging?

He had enjoyed today's course, but now he just wanted to go home quickly and hide under the covers.

"Should we eat something?" Hyunjin asked.

The others confirmed.

Chan was about to cancel, but could still pull himself together halfway. "Yes, of course," he replied with a compulsive smile and followed his friends.

* * *

Chan patted Hannah's head and hummed quietly, hoping his sister would finally fall asleep. He loved her incredibly and would like to sit here all the time, but he still had to revise biology because tomorrow he would have his oral exam. He felt like having a huge hole in his head.

"Chan?"

"What is it, angel?"

"Why don't you pick me up from kindergarten anymore?"

Chan sighed softly. “I have a lot to do at the moment. But as soon as I have more time, I'll come again by bike. Promised."

"You're not feeling well, are you?"

It was incredible. Of all the people who were close to him, a child could grasp his emotional state faster than his friends or his parents. And how could he lie into that round, cute face?

“I'm indeed not feeling well. But that's life. There are highs and lows. It’s absolutely normal.” He smiled gently at her. “Don’t worry."

Hannah yawned and blinked several times. "Is it your hormones?"

Chan cocked his head to one side. "Hormones?"

"The others talked about the ABO thing in kindergarten today and said that hormones are somehow important."

Chan smiled weakly. "Aren't you a little too young to discuss this stuff?"

Hannah shrugged slightly and closed her eyes. “I don't get it either way. As if people change just because they get such a weird tattoo. ”

Chan stopped moving and looked at his sister's peaceful face. Due to her soothing words, he wanted to tell her that he was an Omega. So that he just could get it out of his system. And he wanted to tell a person who was as trustworthy as her.

But she was too young. She did not understand the complete seriousness of the situation, even if she thought in some aspects more wisely than some adults.

No, that was probably a problem which Chan had to deal with on his own.

"Chan?"

"Anything else?" He asked, amused, "Hannah, it's late."

"Sorry," she mumbled, "I just wanted to ask if the prince would come back sometime."

Chan frowned, but chuckled when he understood what she meant. “You're talking about Matt, aren't you? I don't know when he’ll visit again.”

"Can't you invite him in?"

Chan hesitated briefly. "If you want, I can ask him to come over," he said vaguely. To have Matthew here without anyone else of his group of friends would be an absolute horror. Not because Chan wanted to avoid him, but because he needed to. How could he survive if the whole house smelled of bitter sweet ginger all day long?

Chan was quite afraid of these pheromones, especially since he repeatedly felt the need to cling to Matthew and inhale his scent. He sniffed other Alphas from time to time outside, but nobody smelled as attractive and tempting as Matthew and it was killing him internally. Just thinking about hugging Matthew made his heart beat so fast, and his throat went dry.

He shook his head slightly. He heard regular breathing and realized that his little angel had finally fallen asleep.

He sneaked out of the room as quietly as possible and then entered his own. "Okay, biology," he sighed and crouched at his desk before switching on the lamp.

It was after 10 p.m. He should go to sleep as soon as possible, but with all the stress, he did not know if he would make it before midnight. After all, thanks to the excitement of the past few days, he had hardly a chance to deal with the material of his lessons.

The time was passing much faster than he thought, but he hardly paid any attention to the clock, leafed through the book page by page, repeated the topics and looked up some terms which he had already forgotten.

"When it comes to protein biosynthesis, there is a transcription and a translation," he muttered to himself, yawning heartily, "During transcription, a part of the DNA strand is copied and ..." His eyes kept falling shut. "Damn it, stay awake, Chris."

At that very moment his chest hurt again. The pain was not as severe as yesterday, but Chan would not call it pleasant.

Pensively, he pulled up his shirt and stood in front of the mirror to see that the tattoo was actually completed. He had only glanced at it from time to time, but had never really noticed the complete form. In fact, the tattoo looked very irritated, which only reinforced his suspicion of inflammation.

He quickly dropped the hem of his top as soon as there was a knock on his door.

“Yes?"

His mother opened the door. “Chan, go to sleep. It's already nearly midnight. ”

Chan glanced at the clock and groaned in annoyance. “Oh, crap. I'm not through with the chapter yet. ”

"If you come to school dead tired tomorrow, you will screw up the oral exam even more."

Chan hated how right he was. Nevertheless, he gave up. “Okay, got it. I'm already going to bed.”

She smiled and was about to leave the room when Chan stopped her. "Ma?"

“Yes?"

Everything in Chan tensed and his chest laced up. He uttered a few stammering words and his mother raised an eyebrow.

"Thank you," he said finally, "thank you for always reminding me of sleeping."

His mother looked at him in confusion and laughed. “Christopher, I am your mother. That is my duty."

"That doesn't make it a matter of course," Chan replied, wanting to bite his tongue off because he had not dared to open his mouth. Again. It was his mother. Why could he not be honest with her?

His mother looked at him gently. “Good night darling."

“Good night."


	12. "It's not about what Bang Chan wants."

Chan had slept terribly. He never really struggled with nightmares, but last night had been a horror. He could not even remember anything, but when he woke up this morning he felt goose bumps all over his body.

So he crawled out of bed as quickly as possible to get ready for school. He did not pay attention to the clock, which is why his mother looked at him in surprise when he stood in the kitchen earlier than usually.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked anyway and smiled at him as she sat down.

Lucas turned over his bowl again, so his mother took it away and started feeding him. At least he was not too stubborn and actually began eating.

Chan yawned loudly and gave an incomprehensible murmur before settling down across his mother. He hung a tea bag over the brink of the cup and then poured hot water into it. "Where's Hannah?" he asked, looking for his little sister, who should be bouncing around like an excited bull at this hour.

"Your father is driving her today. She has this trip to the zoo," his mother replied and wiped over Lucas' mouth. Her son seemed to find it funny to spit the food across the table rather than swallowing it.

"Ah, I remember." Chan took a slice of bread and stared at it, still thinking. His chest tightened when he thought about going to school, where all the problems were waiting for him again. The cash box, the oral exam, the swimming tournament for which he had to prepare his team ...

It was cold down his neck. The swim team. How could he still lead the team if he wanted to hide his torso constantly? Damn, he had not really thought of that. He would have to cede his position as captain. It is better to withdraw in "dignity" than to turn out to be an Omega, which would be humiliated. He trusted his team, but the people around them would hardly allow him to take on such great responsibility as an Omega.

Yes, what did all the achievements of the past few years even mean? If you had a gender, you had a certain status. Without control.

God, how Chan hated the world.

"Chan?"

The addressed winced. "Yes?"

"I asked if you had already opened the post for the doctor's visit." She sighed. "Darling, I know you don't want to talk about it, but we need to register your gender." She looked at him. "I mean, of course, as soon as we know which one you have."

Chan swallowed hard. His mother knew he was an Omega. After all, she had found the test results. But apparently it was an accident. Otherwise she would act differently. Although Chan lied to her, she did not want to blame him, but rather waited for him to approach her on his own.

What kind of terrible person was he?

Trapped in his selfishness, he has not thought about how his mother was doing. How stressful it had to be that her own son resisted nature and could not even be honest with her.

Chan was no longer able to meet all of the expectations. Everything went wrong. Absolutely everything. And no matter what he wanted to do: he failed. He tried hard, he fought against the current, he put his heart and soul into his duties.

Still it did not work.

The realization struck him so suddenly that he let the slice of bread drop and bursted into tears. He had a strong need to finally show what was going on inside of him, where he had only cried in silence. Even if he had wanted to prevent these emotions from leaking out, it was good to let go.

He almost choked on the bread he already had in his mouth and tried to swallow it down. His vision blurred due to the tears which were coming over and over again. It did not matter how many times he wiped his face since he could not stop crying.

His mother looked at him in shock. She really had not expected this outbreak. So far she had rarely seen Chan cry. Even as a small child, he had always kept his tears back, no matter whether he had fallen down or another child had been mean to him. His shell had always been too hard to crack.

Lucas also started crying, although he did not understand what was going on, but it was enough to make Chan stop halfway.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed, "but I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do this any longer."

His mother got up and knelt beside him. _"Chris, look at me."_

Chan looked at her sheepishly and wiped the wet cheeks with the back of his hand.

"If you want to talk, talk. I'm here."

Chan nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "I ... I'm an Omega." The words were easier for him to say, given that his mother already knew.

"I know," she replied affirmatively, "I saw it."

Chan nodded and looked at the table top. "What should I do? If anyone finds out, then ... ” he sniffed, "How is it possible that I'm an Omega? I don't understand that. Dad is an Alpha, you're a Beta. That's impossible." He started crying again. "Why does this happen to me?"

"Chan, Omegas are people too. Like every Alpha, like every Beta, Omegas have human dignity, human rights and common sense. It doesn't matter what you are. It wouldn't matter either if you were born as a girl instead of a boy," she said seriously.

"But that's different," Chan muttered, "It's something completely different. I have nothing against Omegas, but why do I have to be one? That doesn't fit at all." It affected him in all his positions, in his life. It just felt unfair. "Everyone expects me to see the Alpha tattoo soon, but they won't. I am a huge disappointment. _Such a dishonor._ "

"Chan, that's not true. Being an Omega is not a shame, okay? I understand why you're scared, but you can't blame yourself for what you are. It's part of you now."

Chan shook his head. He did not want that.

His mother looked at him with worried eyes. "I'm making a suggestion: First you wash the tears from your face, and then you go to school and do your oral exam. After class I will pick you up and take you to the doctor."

"But-"

"No buts," his mother interrupted, "when your tattoo comes I don't want inflammation or anything like that."

Chan bowed his head and muttered something.

"What?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It is already sore." He rolled up his t-shirt and showed the irritated, red skin.

"Chan! How long have you been walking around with this?!" His mother called and hurried to the kitchen to get the first aid kit.

"Only two days ago," he replied, watching her hand which held the inflammatory ointment she was applying. It was probably the one she bought from the pharmacy the day Chan got his pills.

Finally she put a big plaster over it. "You are unbelievable. You definitely have to go to the doctor with that." She straightened up. "Then you can also ask them questions. For example, how you can be an Omega. They can explain that better than I can."

There was no point in fighting back. Besides, it was kind of good to know that at least one of them had a clear mind.

"Whatever you say."

* * *

When Chan arrived at school, he was more than confused by the billboards that were spread all over the place:

◣◥◣◥◤◢◤◢◣◥◣◥◤◢◤◢

**VICE STUDENT REPRESENTATIVE**

**SELECTION**

Do you also have visions of a better Hanju school?

Do you also want to implement students' ideas?

Are you also interested in exercising justice?

Then apply for the position of the vice!

_ ➠ Please submit your profile by Tuesday next week _

◣◥◣◥◤◢◤◢◣◥◣◥◤◢◤◢

Chan was puzzled in front of the poster before some people spoke to him - especially girls.

"Chan, I'm applying! Let's fight together for a better school atmosphere.”

"I really hope we can work together."

"Chan, we would be a great team!"

He replied to the statements, perplexed, and went through the auditorium until he discovered Changbin and approached him. "Can you please tell me what that's all about?" he asked, without greeting him.

Changbin crossed his arms. "You didn't bother about it, that's why I did it."

"I told you I don't want a vice!"

"It's not about what Bang Chan wants, it's about what Bang Chan needs." Changbin looked at him relentlessly. “I don't let my best friend run into a burnout just because he's too proud. If you're lucky, Junhyeok may apply."

"Lucky?" Chan replied, "Are you crazy? I would only work with him if the hell freezed! He is obnoxious, even when I only meet him in the hallway. I am not going to let him on the school board."

"How unfortunate. Everyone has the right to apply and the school board will decide who is the best - _together_. And you cannot do anything against that."

Chan groaned in annoyance.

"But another topic," Changbin said, "when do you have your oral exam?"

"In the first big break," Chan replied.

"Did you study well?"

Chan then puffed his cheeks. "More or less?"

He could not speak any further since Hyunjin came up to him. "Oh my captain," he greeted with a smile, "Now watch out: I have an ingenious strategy on how we can shorten the time between changes. The jumps in the relays are always somehow too late."

Chan's heart sank. Right. That immediately reminded him that he had to come up with something. His team had been working towards this tournament for a long time. It would be anything but fair to disappoint them by resigning. Still, he could not compete as an Omega. After all, he himself was not yet able to deal with this fact - how should he then present his second gender to the world?

"Then you can lead the training tomorrow," he suggested. Hyunjin would be the perfect captain. He was focused, ambitious, kind, and patient. Sometimes a bit dramatic, but overall a good leader. He could possibly be Chan's replacement, but how he wanted to convey the message was unclear.

The doorbell rang for the first lesson, after which they all had to go to her corresponding classroom.

Chan had social studies again. So he sat in class with Minho and Matthew. A lot of things were dealt within theory today, which quickly made the lesson boring.

Therefore, Chan took the opportunity to read his biology notes under the bench again. He was quite nervous because he did not know if he could rely on what he had studied. After all, he had been pretty tired yesterday.

But it did not help to think about it. So he gathered all his courage and went to his biology teacher for the query during the long break.

"That was good, Chan," Mr. Jung evaluated, "a few uncertainties here and there, but that's not a problem."

Well, after all, Chan had survived that and was now able to sit on the Korean course with some peace in his mind. He was also there with Minho and Matthew again. Concentration had actually left him long ago, which is why he stared absently at the board.

"Hey, are you all right?" Minho asked him when the teacher had left the room to copy something.

Chan just nodded and tried to pull himself together. In the end, he did not want to be asked every few minutes what was wrong with him.

Then he went to the Chinese course. One of the advanced courses should actually be a science subject, but since he had chosen two foreign languages (Japanese and Chinese), he was able to visit classes without this compulsory subject. English would have been an option too, but his mother had forbidden him to take it. It would have been too easy for Chan. He would not have wanted that anyway, since he loved challenges too much.

"I'm really looking forward to the parkour course tonight," Felix said during the lunch break at the canteen table.

Chan lowered the chopsticks and looked thoughtfully at the table. After psychology he would have finished this school day. That would be enough time to go to the doctor and then to the course. The only question was whether he felt like it. But this was not about what Bang Chan wanted.

Even Changbin had said that himself.

"Can we do an outside run again next week?" Jisung asked.

The whole group started murmuring, which was why an unanimous opinion was not really recognizable.

"Do we still need the courses? We have the basics, so we can go alone," Hyunjin suggested.

"Yes, but it's also fun to run with other teams," Felix objected.

Seungmin made an annoyed sound. "So I don’t feel like lagging behind you guys all the time, alright?" He got up and took his tray away.

Everyone looked after him, irritated.

"Wow, it seems like this hits him more than we thought," Matthew stated, "Somehow I'm sorry ..."

"He'll be okay," Jeongin stated, sipping his orange juice, "but maybe it's really better to skip the courses for now. Then he can get to know the sport better. It’s easier when we’re just among ourselves.”

That was perfectly acceptable, but Chan was barely having the nerve to deal with it because he was still thinking about this damn cashbox and the swimming team. Parkour running was a fun but dispensable hobby, which is why it initially slipped to the bottom of the relevance list.

"Matt, what are you filling out?" Jisung asked curiously, looking over the older’s shoulder.

Matthew smiled. “You’re too curious”, he said while trying to slide the sheet of paper under his tray, but Jisung was faster. 

He dashed around the table as swiftly as a squirrel and sat next to Felix, who acted as a saving anchor for him. Strangely enough, he felt protected from all the consequences of his crimes as soon as he sat next to his best friend.

"Vice Selection Process," Jisung read out "Are you applying?"

Although Matthew was still smiling, one could not miss the shade of pink on his cheeks. “I’m not sure yet … I just wanted to fill out the application.” He looked at Chan like he tried to question whether it was okay.

Chan blinked several times and scratched the back of his head. “If you want to apply, do it.” After all, Matthew had some qualities as a leader. It was just that he had never seemed interested in that position. He could be the head of the group, but instead he preferred to let Chan handle everything. “I just didn't think you were keen on the position.”

"I think he's keen on something completely different," Minho said with a neutral voice and ate his noodles in peace, while Matthew half choked on the water that he had just wanted to drink.

The deep red colouring on Chan's cheeks spoke enough. Without saying anything further, Chan packed his things and got up, a bit swaying. "Yes, so I have to go to the headmaster again to speak to him about the cash register," he said, and got stuck in his words several times before he almost escaped from the cafeteria.

God, why was his heart racing again?

He held his chest and took a deep breath to review the situation. Either Minho was just annoying Matthew, or there was something true about it. If Matthew had any kind of feelings different from friendship for Chan, then ... yes, then what?

The catastrophe of the century could break out. After all, the two had been good friends since kindergarten. Chan had never really thought of ...

He shook his head. Don’t even think about it.

At least he had not lied about his excuse. He actually wanted to go to the principal again.

Last night before going to sleep, he had thought again and decided that it could not go on like this. The police had to be called. The money was more important than his reputation and/or his pride. He now preferred to openly admit that he could not handle it alone, instead of looking for another day. Every second was valuable, so why should not the police just start investing now?

On the way to the secretariat he noticed the looks of some boys. He felt that they were watching him. From their smell he also recognized that apparently only Alphas reacted to him.

"Oh fuck," he whispered, reaching into his pocket where he had kept the little jar with his pills. Since he had no water, he swallowed one pill straight away, which was not particularly pleasant. However, he also did not want to spread his Omega scent throughout the school building.

The Alphas should actually recognize that he was an Omega. But rather, they believed that something was going wrong in their heads instead of stating that the student’s representative Bang Chan was an Omega. Because that would be impossible.

After his exchange with the principal, he went to psychology classes. He had the course without his close friends because Minho and Matthew had religion in those two hours.

Quite practical, actually. After Minho's embarrassing statement during the lunch break, Chan was not eager to see Matthew again.

So he tried to avoid getting in his way after school. He left the building as soon as possible and looked for his mother, who was already waiting in the parking lot. She had also picked Hannah up, who was sitting in the back seat and leafing through a children's book.

"I'll come to the doctor with you!" she said excitedly and smiled broadly at her brother.

Chan could not say anything and squatted in the passenger seat, buckling up.

The drive was a bit tensed, as his mother switched on the radio and let the music play. Chan, however, looked out of the window and observed the surrounding area. It had something meditative and at least it relaxed him a little.

Ms. Bang stopped in front of the practice and handed Chan his health insurance card. “Take Hannah inside. I'm still looking for a parking space.”

Chan took his little sister by the hand and entered the practice with her. It was relatively large because it was in the city. Since his mother had made an appointment this morning, Chan was told that he only had to wait for a few minutes.

He sat in the waiting room with Hannah on his lap, his sister playing trivial games on his cell phone. To be honest, she was the only reason why he had those apps in first place. He looked out of the window thoughtfully and noticed that he was getting more and more restless.

The practices were mostly so-called group practices with all kinds of doctors. General doctors who dealt with issues such as colds, injuries or general examinations and specialized doctors for every second gender. It always depended on what issue you had, so you could be assigned accordingly.

The reason for group practices was the flexibility. You never knew what kind of emergencies there might be, so doctors from different specialties were gathered in one place. The downside was that going to the doctor could be overwhelming at times.

In itself, Chan would not find anything wrong with the system, but the whole room smelled quite strongly of different pheromones. At least someone had already opened the window.

"Bang Chan please," the nurse announced.

Chan got up and held his sister's hand. “Can she come with me?"

"Yes, of course."

Chan bit his tongue. Now he could not avoid that Hannah would find out what he was. However, he also knew that she would not care because she could not really understand what it all meant to him.

The medical nurse pointed along the corridor. “Second door on the left. You will be treated immediately.”

Chan followed her instructions and entered the rather spacious room.

While Hannah sat on the chair, Chan crouched on the examination couch and let his feet dangle. Again and again he had to take deep breaths. itlic Okay, stay calm. It was the right thing to do.

The door opened and a fairly young brunette woman entered. This made Chan a little flabbergasted. After all, he had thought he would see a male doctor because he was ... well, a boy and everything about the second gender could get pretty intimate. He blushed and looked away.

"So, you're Bang Chan?" the woman asked, still looking at her clipboard, "And you're here to register yourself as an Omega, aren't you?" She looked up and almost dropped the clipboard in shock. "Oh god, am I in the wrong room?" She looked around, apparently because she wanted to check the room number which was hanging on the left side of the door.

Chan sighed heavily. What a great start. “No, you’re right. I’m Chan.”

“Oh." The woman blinked several times. "Sorry for the reaction, that was surely rude." She laughed sheepishly and scratched her temple with her pen. "I just never thought I would see such a strong young man."

“Thanks, I guess."

The doctor cleared her throat and put the clipboard aside before she bowed slightly and held out her hand. "I'm Doctor Lim. Nice to meet you."

Chan also indicated a bow, which felt strange since he was sitting, and shook her hand. “Well, you already know that my name is Chan. That's my sister Hannah over there,” he said, pointing to his little angel, who was playing on his cell phone again.

Doctor Lim nodded. “Your mother said that you needed treatment for your tattoo. An inflammation?”

Chan nodded and hesitated.

“Can you show me?"

He nodded again and took a deep breath before removing his jacket and loosening the tie on his uniform before putting it aside. He unbuttoned his shirt and avoided looking at the woman in front of him.

Of course. Why had he not thought of this earlier? As an Omega, he was of course treated by an Omega doctor. And since 80 percent of Omegas were women, the likelihood of being treated by a female doctor was very high.

He brushed the shirt off his shoulders and supported himself on his hands while leaning back.

Hannah had looked up from the screen and was now looking at her brother's Omega tattoo, cocking her head.

Doctor Lim sat on the swivel chair and rolled closer to Chan to examine the tattoo. With her gloved fingers, she carefully touched the inflamed area, whereupon Chan gave a low complaint.

“Oh yes, it doesn't look nice. But it's not that bad either.” She reached for her clipboard again. "I prescribe antibiotics. Cool the wound down if it hurts too much and avoid exercise for a week so that you don’t irritate the tattoo further.” She wrote down a recipe and placed it on the couch next to Chan. "It's the best to stick a plaster on it during the day and sleep without it at night so that air can get to the injury." She smiled and rolled back to look at Chan. "We still need to take blood so we can check your hormonal balance."

Chan put his shirt back on after Doctor Lim tapped his bloodstream. In fact, it was the first time for Chan and it had hurt a bit, but it was fine.

“You can also ask me questions. We could think about pheromone suppression. Or talk in general about all the hormones that are now flooding through your body.”

Chan pursed his lips and looked at Hannah, who was playing her game again. "I would like to know how it’s possible that I’m an Omega," he said, "my mother is a Beta and my father is an Alpha. I don't understand how this works.”

Doctor Lim nodded. ,, Yes, inheritance of the second gender is a complex matter. I'm trying to explain it to you very simply.” She took a piece of paper and painted three different symbols on it. "Let's say that there is an Alpha gene, a neutral gene and a recessive gene. The genes can appear in different combinations and it’s exactly the combination that decides what you’ll become.” She painted various compositions. “Twice the Alpha gene results in pure-blooded Alpha. But you can also combine an Alpha gene with a neutral gene and still become an Alpha because it is the strongest gene of all genes. Accordingly, an Alpha may also have a recessive gene. The term recessive already implies that the gene can be there without having any effects.” She drew other constellations. "Here we have a pure-blooded Beta and a Beta with Omega material, so with a recessive gene. You notice the recessive gene is very weak. Therefore, it’s only possible to become an Omega with the recessive gene if it appears twice in your genetical data.” Finally she turned the paper over.

Chan nodded and realized why they did not learn that in normal school biology. They had inheritance theory in general, but this seemed to be much more complex, since the doctor always needed a while to think about how to explain it as simply as possible.

“Of course there are more factors that come into play. Mutations, special inheritance, your first gender and so on. There is also a gene that can be formed through the generations, let's just call it ... Omega gene. It’s so strong that even in combination with the otherwise very strong Alpha gene it still forms an Omega.” She waved it off. “But that's not the important thing. I want to explain to you why you are an Omega.”

She clicked the ballpoint pen a few times and chewed the cap before drawing something and then turning the paper over to Chan. "Probably your parents' genetic material looks like this: Both your mother and father have a recessive gene. Despite this gene, they are a Beta or respectively an Alpha.” Now she traced the line which she had drawn as a connection. "This is you. You have two recessive genes." She put the paper away. "There are four different combinations in your case in this model. As I said, there are always several factors involved, but the probability that you’ll become an Omega with this genetic pool is roughly 25 percent. Not that little at all. Especially since you also have siblings and the dice of the gene combinations are thrown several times." She leaned back. “In reality, the probability of becoming an Omega is still less than that of simplifying models due to various influences. There are countless studies, but stochastics also has its limits."

Chan looked at his knees and sighed heavily. So his existence as an Omega was an unfortunate coincidence. That just sucked. “Okay thanks. I think I understand it,” he said.

“Still, your case is very special. You have attributes of your father who is an Alpha, but also posess Omega trademarks.”

"Omega trademarks?" Chan repeated, flustered.

“Yes. For example, your hands are quite small. Or you are a bit narrower despite your defined physique and your face has softer features. Alphas' heights are on average between 180 cm to 185 cm and how tall are you? I guess around 170 cm”, she explained.

"I'm 171 cm," Chan corrected her pointedly.

Doctor Lim had to suppress a smile. “Excuse me." She cocked her head to one side. “The second gender does not oblige you to anything. Nature has only considered that as an Omega you can easily allure Alphas so that you are protected. Nowadays we don't need that anymore because we live in a modern society, but we still have the same pheromones, the same hormones and the same conditions as back then. Maybe all of this will eventually disappear due to evolution, but it could take millions of years.”

Chan was completely dressed again now and did not know what else to say. There were endless questions, but he did not know where to start.

"Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend?" Doctor Lim questioned.

He shook his head.

"Oh, then I should prescribe pheromone suppression medication. If you want some.”

"I have pills, but they don't work so well ..."

“The ones that you can just buy in the pharmacy are usually not effective because a doctor has to prescribe the strong remedies. After all, this stuff can cause quite a bit of side effects. But I see that you are healthy, young and strong and allergies are not listed in your records either. So I can give it to you without hesitation because it's dangerous to walk around without protection.” She wrote down another recipe, "As soon as you have, let's say, a partner who is also an Alpha, the pills aren’t longer necessary. Most of the time you smell strong enough of your partner so that other people keep their hands off you. Or you can just wear a collar.”

Chan winced slightly and gritted his teeth. "I don't like this rubbish."

“This 'rubbish' has a practical purpose. Nowadays you make jewelry out of collars, but they are actually there for protection. But in the end it is the decision in your relationship whether you want to wear something like that.” Now she handed him both recipes. “I notice that you have no more questions right now. If that changes, you can always come back.”

Chan nodded and thanked her before saying goodbye.

Outside, his mother was waiting for him and his sister. "How was it?" she asked.

Chan shrugged. "Okay, I guess." He looked down at Hannah. “And? What are you saying?" He smiled weakly.

Hannah grinned back. "You’ll be a great Omega, Chan."

And Chan did not know whether he should laugh or cry.


	13. "Damn, you smell like an Omega."

"But ... the cash register was really gone! I swear." Chan stared at the school cash register which the policeman was holding.

"But it was behind the table in the corner." He handed the cash register to Chan.

It was impossible. Chan had lit up every corner of this room so often that it was almost embarrassing. Someone was playing with him here - that was obvious. But how could he prove it?

"It's the best to report this to the principal." The policeman smiled. "Something like that happens. It's good to call the police, but next time you may be more careful. Then it won't happen anymore.” He said goodbye to Chan and left the room with his colleague.

Chan has not felt that humiliated in a long time. How should he confess this to the principal? In addition, the entire school already knew that the cashbox was (allegedly now) missing. It was many times worse to hear that it had been probably only misplaced.

Chan just wanted him to evaporate. He felt miserable enough about the fact that he had to cancel the appointment with his friends yesterday. Because of his inflammation, he was not allowed to do sports. Somehow he had been able to talk himself out of it with a nausea, but it was definitely not nice to lie - especially to his own friends.

He glanced at the clock. The lunch break continued for 20 minutes. That was enough time to let the principal know. And then he could think about what exactly he wanted to say to his swimming team. How he could address him giving up on his position as gently as possible. He had already thought about portraying it as a temporary break because of all the stress, since he wanted to concentrate more on his head boy duties and grades.

Still, he did not enjoy thinking about letting his members down.

He had to hand over the cash register to the secretary so that she could count the money. He secretly hoped that the story could somehow be retouched in such a way that he would not be at least a total idiot.

After having given the cash register he went down the hallway, now halfway ready to confess his resignation to the swimming team.

"The head boy."

Chan looked up and rolled his eyes. "What do you want from me, Jun?"

"Nothing. Congratulations on finding the cash register.”

Chan just wanted to walk past him, but stopped. "How do you know the cash register appeared again?"

Jun leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, amused. "Well, just guess if you're so smart."

Chan's eyes formed instantly to slits. "You stole the cashbox."

"I borrowed it," Jun corrected, "after all, I brought it back too."

Chan was about to tear his hair. "Why did you do that? I had half a panic attack!”

"Maybe I just find it sugar sweet when you get upset."

Chan paused instantly and frowned. Now he understood nothing at all. It was definitely another "Jun trick" which should drive him crazy. "Not a good reason," he grumbled, "How did you get in anyways?"

"I'm in the computer club. The teacher gave me the keys so I can go to the computer room. And as a genius you should know that the keys are universal for almost every lock in this building.”

Of course Chan knew that.

"And earlier the room was open thanks to you. So it was no problem to bring the money back." Chan had wanted to add the lists for the project days, that was why he had been in the student council room in first place.

Chan snorted. "You heard that the police knew about it and got scared because of it!" He grabbed Junhyeok's shirt and pulled him close. "Damn asshole, I'll report this to the school administration and you'll be suspended!"

"Not so aggressive, you-" Junghyeok paused and looked deep into Chan's eyes.

This in turn irritated Chan, whereupon he let go, but the other grabbed his hands.

"Huh? What do we have here?" Junhyeok leaned forward and sniffed below Chan's ear before letting his nose run down his neck. "Are you spreading pheromones?"

Chan stood frozen. Damn it. Junhyeok was an Alpha. And Chan had not been able to go to the pharmacy yet. He had run out of the other pills, so he had to go to school today without any protection.

"You smell good for such a prude," Junhyeok commented, wrapping his arm around Chan's waist, pulling him closer. He seemed to get lost in the scent.

"Jun ... please let go of me," Chan said, completely overwhelmed by the new situation. He panicked. It was not uncommon to get into a trance as soon as you perceived a very attractive smell. It was like getting extremely thirsty, wanting to sniff and taste the person.

Junhyeok did not smell particularly bad, but Chan did not really like him, so it was extremely strange for him to be in the arms of his "archenemy".

But what should he do? All connections to his brain were broken; the central nervous system was on ice. In his state of shock, there was not much he could do, except of standing there and hoping that the other would do nothing to him.

"Damn, you smell like an Omega."

This finally woke Chan up, whereupon he slapped Junhyeok's face. It was so strong that it left a handprint on the cheek. "You're crazy," he barked at him, "What do you think you are? Omega, as if. You asshole. I'm not only going to report you for cash theft, but also sexual harassment!” He gritted his teeth.

In fact, Junhyeok now looked more shocked, almost intimidated. So Chan took the opportunity to flee. 

He wanted to cry right away, horrified by the situation. His palm burned because of the punch, but he ignored the pain and went on to the swim hall, where the next challenge would await him. 

As always, he was there earlier than everyone else. He paced in the hall until the troop arrived. There was clear confusion as Chan stood there in his school uniform. He had, however, taken off his jacket, removed the tie and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt.

The boys still talked happily as they walked to the edge of the pool until Chan raised his hand. There was instant silence. It was remarkable how his strong presence filled the whole room.

"I have two announcements, a big one and a small one." He took his hand down and closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued, "I'm starting with the small one." He beckoned Hyunjin to him, whereupon the taller man stood next to him. "Today Hyunjin will lead the unit. We are working on our jumps, which is particularly important for the people of the relay for faster changes, but of course also for those who swim in the individual categories.”

Hyunjin smiled proudly and nodded to everyone who whistled approvingly as a sign that they were looking forward to training with him.

"You can stay," Chan said when Hyunjin wanted to go back to his members. Now the tough part came. "I'll be honest with you. You're probably already wondering why I'm still in clothes here and not in swimming trunks.”

Everyone looked at him intently.

"I won't be able to accompany you to the championships."

Protests and shock sounds broke out of the team immediately. The boys all spoke at the same time and seemed visibly confused and a little frustrated. Some had questioning, almost demanding facial expressions.

Chan then shouted, "Quiet!", which echoed through the hall.

The group was silent again.

"I have to take a break from swimming for personal reasons and will concentrate more on school. I won't leave the swimming team for good. Of course, I still plan your training if you want to, and I'm available to answer any questions.”

"But-", Felix put in, however, he was immediately interrupted again.

"Let me finish," Chan said sternly, "you still need an official captain for the national tournament and not one who's practically retired. My absence shouldn't hurt your…  _ our _ hard work.” He put his hand on Hyunjin's shoulder. "As of now, Hyunjin will be your captain."

Everyone gasped in surprise, while Hyunjin almost choked on his shock.

"He is the best swimmer of all of you and has the most experience. I want you to treat him with respect, just like you did with me.” Chan took the red stretch tape which had always made him the captain. He strapped it around Hyunjin's arm and stepped aside.

"Chan ... I can't accept that," Hyunjin claimed in a brittle voice, visibly confused and frightened that their captain wanted to leave them so suddenly.

"You  _ have _ to accept. No one else can glue this team together except you.” Chan looked at him seriously. "I know it's a lot of responsibility. I'll definitely be at your side for advice. But at the moment I'm in no condition to actively lead this team. It would be wrong if I pretended that I was completely capable of instructing our group.” Chan bowed apologetically to everyone, in a humility that was otherwise unknown to the self-confident captain. Chan was not known for giving in.

"But you're already registered for the disciplines", Felix started to argue and was about to burst into tears, "And the relay ... The relay's our thing!" The frustration was clearly heard in his voice and it broke Chan's heart.

"I've already spoken to the committee. As an exception, the judges were willing to allow changes in the disciplines.” It would normally have been far too late for this, but Chan had argued that if he could not rest, he would have difficulty in developing his second gender which could cause serious damage. At least his statement was - more or less - true.

Chan went over to the bench and took the list from his pocket which he had written last night. "I've already decided on the new arrangement, so you don't have to worry about the reorganization. I thought about it for a long time and decided for the benefit of everyone as much as possible.” His fingers trembled slightly as he unfolded the paper.

He could not believe he was doing all of this. And that because of a crappy tattoo. Still, he could not cry. He should be strong for his team, one last time. He owed them that.

"The 100-metre-disciplines will of course remain the same for Jinyoung, Hyunjin and Felix, but Yunho will do the freestyle. Felix swims 200-metre freestyle for me.”

He gasped.

"Chan, Felix's specialty is butterfly," Changbin objected carefully.

"Felix can do that. He's great in freestyle. I used to give him private lessons for a while.”

So far that had remained among the two. When Felix had joined the swim team, he used to have a bit of trouble getting on board. Butterfly was the most suitable style to him, but he had also wanted to find another one to gain more experience. Since group training would not have been efficient for this, Chan had given him private tuition for a while on Wednesday evening after the official training. They had only stopped doing it almost two months ago when Felix thought he had learned enough from Chan and would now be able to continue practicing alone.

"Private lessons from Chan? It makes me jealous right away,” Yunho whispered to Jiwon, who could only nod.

Felix seemed embarrassed at the gazes on him. "Chan, I-"

"Don't disappoint me, Lix." Chan smiled weakly at him. "Although that's not possible anyway."

"Chan, you're unbeatable in freestyle," Hyunjin said, "Nothing against Felix, but _ you _ should compete in the 200-metre race."

Chan ignored him and folded the paper once to read the second half. "Well, the relay. Changbin swims backstroke as usual, Hyunjin cheststroke, Felix butterfly and Jiwon does freestyle.” Chan chose Jiwon here because he was a better team player. He was a bit weaker in freestyle than Yunho, but the overall picture was still the most important.

"That's it," he concluded, and put the note in his pocket.

The hall was silent, and Chan looked at Hyunjin. "What are you waiting for? You should start training now. ”

Hyunjin was still extremely insecure and played on the red stretch band around his arm. In the end, he turned to the team and clapped his hands: "All right, guys. Let’s start the warm up.”

* * *

Chan stayed during the session and sat on the edge, because he wanted to watch at least the first training. After training, he waited outside for his friends. Even if he wanted to run away, it just would not have been right.

As always, Matthew would pick Seungmin up after the choir lesson to go with him. Jeongin and Jisung were probably already at home, since they had training on Fridays and were free on Wednesdays, which usually served as a club afternoon.

Chan was nervous. It was certainly not wise to face Matthew, but he also could not avoid him forever. They were still closely interwoven with each other through their circle of common friends, and just because Chan did not get along with his life at all there was no excuse to avoid all social responsibility.

Jiwon, Yunho and Jinyoung said goodbye to Chan after stepping out of the hall, still quite depressed.

A few moments later, Changbin also left the building and went straight to Chan before grabbing him by the shoulder. "Can you tell me what's wrong with you?" he asked. He spoke quietly, but you could hear the anger boiling under his voice.

"I explained my situation."

"You’re my best friend and you don’t tell me anything about your problems?!" Changbin snapped at him now, unable to hold back his anger any longer.

Chan could not even blame him; he would react that way too.

"Felix started crying in the locker room."

"I am sor-"

"Yes, you should be sorry!", Changbin interrupted him immediately, "The relay’s something personal between us and now you expect Jiwon to replace you? Are you crazy? Nobody from this school except the four of us has ever swum the relay, and there’s a good reason for that!" Changbin pressed his index finger against Chan's chest. "The swimming team is your creation and the relay is the basis for it. How can you throw it all away as if it didn't mean anything?!”

Chan immediately wanted to start crying again. Changbin was right, after all. He was selfish. The swimming team was his foundation and now he retired because he was afraid.

Afraid of losing his status. Afraid of losing his beloved and familiar life. Afraid of losing himself completely.

But he was so overwhelmed that he could not say anything. In the end, the tears did not come up because he was unable to move even a single muscle.

Changbin looked at him desperately. "Chan ... you know we're here for you. Please talk to us.”

"I ..." Chan swallowed hard and noticed Felix and Hyunjin, who had just come out of the hall. Ashamed, he turned his head to the side and mumbled a petty "I can't."

Changbin did not even have a chance to reply, as Matthew and Seungmin appeared on the scene the next second. They were discussing something, but it was hard to tell what the topic was. Seungmin had a critical face, but well, that was not really something new.

"Hey, how was training?" Matthew asked when they arrived.

"Great," Felix answered and smiled broadly, but unfortunately he could not really convince them since his swollen and red eyes destroyed his happy appearance.

"God, what happened to you?" Seungmin asked, concerned.

"Terrible allergy," Felix replied, rubbing his eyes before blowing his nose demonstratively.

"Against what?" Matthew asked skeptically, "You've never mentioned an allergy."

Now Hyunjin cut into the conversation: "So, shall we go?"

The tension on their way remained.

* * *

Chan was lying on the bed with his back on the mattress, staring at the ceiling. Today had been an absolute disaster.

Usually it was easy for him to stay positive. A life usually had many years, months, and days. A single day which was bad was not destructive for the overall balance.

But Chan knew that the worries would not simply disappear overnight. Rather, he felt like they were going to get worse as he grew more aware of how fatal his behaviour was on everything. The destruction he caused was already immense, ironically because he wanted to protect himself.

He put an arm over his eyes and let out a breath. Changbin was also angry with him now. Well, that had just been missing in this whole mess.

"At least the cash register has reappeared," he murmured. Still, there were enough problems. Quite apart from the most obvious, the martial arts group still did not clean their hall, the vandalism with the spray marks on the wall was also not cleared up and then there was the damned vice students’ representative selection.

Chan should be happy to get support right now, but anyone closer to him would be more of a risk rather than a help.

The worst thing would be if Junhyeok got the job. But he was competent and that was well known.

Chan rolled over onto his stomach and grabbed his cell phone. He was still indecisive about going to the school administration to report the incident between Junhyeok and him. After all, he had no evidence that the older had actually stolen the cash register because there were no witnesses. And he doubted that because of such a insignificant case, the police would start a closer inspection with fingerprints or something like this. 

Reporting him for "sexual harassment" was also not an option. Even if he had threatened Chan, it would be an extremely unwise decision in retrospect, otherwise he would have to report the exact circumstances. It would be hard to avoid mentioning that he was an Omega and that all his pheromones flew through the school building.

A groan escaped him before he landed on the pillow with his face. "Damn it!" he shouted into it. He raised his head slightly again and looked at the mirror, which still had three clear cracks. You could still look at yourself, even if the image which was thrown back was a little distorted. Maybe Chan should change the mirror with his father this weekend ...

But why should he? The thing was not necessary anyway. Chan could hardly stand to look at himself.

Since the visit with Doctor Lim, he could no longer ignore the fact that he actually looked dainty somehow. He had muscles, he had a firm body structure and was strong - no question about that.

But when he wore oversize clothes, his legs looked surprisingly narrow. And when he reached out for something and stared at his hands, he noticed that they were actually smaller. He would not have noticed that before.

All of these little attributes seemed trivial, but they rubbed Chan in the face that he was genetically programed to be an Omega.

He looked at the desk on which his books were spread out. He should study, but he could not even pull himself up from the bed. "What should I do?" He sighed heavily.

"You could need some distractions."

He looked at his mother, who was standing in the door frame and smiling at him gently.

"There will be a flea market in the culture hall at the weekend. You could help me out there.”

Chan looked at her before turning his head away. "If you really need the help, I'll take the time for it.” On weekends he usually did something with friends, but he was obviously not on good terms with them.

"Didn't you want to go to the pharmacy?" she asked.

"Gosh, since it's been out that I'm an Omega, you're more of a mother than ever." Chan actually laughed and rose from the bed.

Only a few more hours and then he would at least have survived this cruel day.


	14. "Instead of yelling at God, you could pray silently."

"No, listen. You have to start tidying up!” Chan said, "Otherwise I have to report this to the school administration.”

The leader of the martial arts club just shrugged. "Then do the cleaning by yourself. Without us, the school budget would be lower and there would be fewer students."

Unfortunately, that was true. The martial arts club was something special. Every year, young people came to the Open-door day and were so flooded with the various offers that they ultimately decided to register here. The martial arts club was particularly popular and Soori, the leader, was aware of his privileged position.

Sadly that made him pretty uncooperative. Talking to him before the first lesson had done absolutely no good.

In the first big break, Chan saw a few girls standing in front of the stairs in the schoolyard. He came closer and saw that a punching bag was blocking the way. It was a used one. The martial arts club probably wanted to get rid of it and had simply put it outside the door.

"Well, how do we get to our book club now?" a girl asked.

"No idea ... Oh man, I was looking forward to it!" another girl complained. 

Chan went straight to them. "Hey, what's up?" he asked out of habit, although the problem was more than obvious.

"We can't get up into the room. We wanted to have a short book review there before the next lesson,” one of the girls explained.

Chan sighed a little annoyed. "Okay, I'll handle it." He grabbed the metal chain and turned around. "Better take a few steps back."

Then he kicked the punching bag powerfully and threw it over his shoulder so that it came up loudly on the ground in front of him. 

The girls were obviously impressed.

"Chan, you're so strong!"

"The sack weighs maybe 50 kilos. It isn't that heavy.” Chan rubbed his hands together. "I have to inform the school board that we will dispose of the old punching bags."

"Thank you for your help!"

All four girls bowed simultaneously. They smiled broadly and were obviously happy that they could now go to their club room.

Chan smiled back gently. "Oh, I'm glad that I was able to help you.”

He said goodbye to them before spotting Matthew, who leaned against the tree trunk.

"What are you doing?" Chan asked.

"Enjoying the show," Matthew joked and came up to him.

Chan was not too nervous this time. Since yesterday he owned the pills which had been prescribed by Doctor Lim, and they suppressed his pheromones effectively. He noticed that Matthew still sniffed on him subtly.

"Should I recommend the perfume when you like it so much?" Chan teased. Of course, he could not actually do so, but he wanted to annoy the older a bit.

Matthew smiled. "No, thanks. I think I like the smell so much because it comes from you.” Actually, this statement should sound absolutely strange, almost creepy.

Instead, Chan just felt the heat in his cheeks. "You think so? Why that?"

"I don't know. I think the perfume suits you well.” Matthew looked up to the sky. "I wanted to ask you what's actually going on with you and Changbin. Most of the time you are outside together during the breaks."

In the meantime the rest of their friends had noticed that something was very off. But neither Chan nor Changbin talked about it.

"We had a bit of … a fight," Chan admitted honestly.

"I see."

At first, Chan expected more questions which would make him feel uncomfortable, but Matthew changed the subject: “I was just about to go to my favourite place. Are you coming with me?"

Chan hesitated. Actually, he would have to go to the classroom to prepare the next session with the student council. At the same time, he was far too curious because he had not even known that Matthew had a favourite place here.

"Come on." Matthew winked at him. "A little distraction can't hurt you." His fingers were seeking their way to Chan’s hand.

The effect was almost magical, since Chan gave in almost immediately and let himself be dragged along.

Was it the pheromones which Matthew was spraying? Chan suppressed his, but Matthew had already mentioned that he could not take any medication due to severe side effects.

Chan felt a tingle between their palms and was confused at first. That was not normal, was it?

Matthew steered him across the school meadows and led him to a place full of trees.

"Matthew, that's the end of the school grounds," Chan said, irritated.

"That's what you think." Matthew chuckled softly and led him along the wall built of trees before entering a narrow path.

Chan was surprised to be led along it until they stood in a place which was well surrounded by trees. Even though the plants grew close together, Chan could see the sky through the treetops. The branches interweaved to form an aesthetic image in front of him, creating a protective atmosphere with the green of their leaves. It felt like they had just stepped into another world.

"I don't know this place."

"You're in the school building or close to it so often," Matthew said, "If you take the time to explore the grounds here, you will discover all kinds of beautiful corners. This is still my absolute favourite.”

"It's beautiful," Chan mumbled. Somehow he found it sad that he was the head boy and still did not seem to know the area that well.

"I can show you more places if you want to take a break from everything," Matthew suggested.

Chan leaned against a tree trunk. Since the space was limited Matthew was pretty close to him. However, it was not cramped. Rather intimate and a bit mysterious. As if the two were not supposed to be here, but they were anyway because they rebelled against an upper power.

The thought made Chan feel good. His heart fluttered like a little hummingbird in his chest because for a few moments it seemed to him that one could overcome conflicts at the right place at the right time.

Matthew, who watched the birds which were singing for the two, being lost in thought, may also have played a major role in this. "Whenever I want to think in silence, I come here," he said, smiling, "It's so protective. You don't care about the world anymore.”

"That's great," Chan sighed and closed his eyes, feeling a bit of peace within himself. At the same time, he wondered why Matthew showed him this place at all. He asked him.

"I felt like you needed a time out," the other replied.

"Do you usually come here with Minho?"

Matthew shook his head, but Chan could not see it because he was still keeping his eyes closed. "The place had been only mine until five minutes ago." He grinned. "Minho knows that it exists, but he doesn't want to come here with me because he sees it as a private piece of mine. And he's right.”

Then Chan opened his eyes.  _ "Shit, Matt. Then why did you bring me here?”  _

Minho was Matthew's everything. You could see that easily. It was hard to describe their bond as “best friends”. But they were close and they trusted each other. 

Matthew turned back to Chan, standing right in front of him. He did not even touch him, but his breath brushed the other's face enough to give goosebumps. "Because I want to share this with you," Matthew replied, "You deserve a sincere time out, Chan. _ And you deserve a piece of peace.” _ A barely noticeable smile crept onto his lips and ... did Kim Matthew blush?

"And because I could never tell you how much you mean to me. So I thought I could just show it to you."

Chan had stopped breathing, so Matthew put his hand on his face and ran his thumb across the pale cheek. "Why are you so surprised?"

"I ... I don't know," Chan stammered. He was completely overwhelmed by the situation. What did this mean? "Somehow I didn't ... so I didn't know that ..."

"Why should you know in the first place?" Matthew interrupted, looking at him seriously, "Chan, I haven't been honest with you."

"What do you mean?" Chan asked barely audibly and could not move.

"All the years we have known each other, we have been good friends."

Chan nodded slightly and was about to faint. The hand on his cheek did inexplicable things with his head. “Matt, we _ are _ good friends. ”

"And that's great. But I ... well, I actually thought ... Maybe you and I could ... ” Matthew bit his lip and leaned forward.

Chan screwed up his eyes in shock and lowered his head.

As nothing happened, he hesitantly looked at Matthew again. The other's face was only a few inches away from his own. 

Matthew smiled. Full of understanding, full of patience, which made Chan all the more confused.

Matthew gently pressed a kiss on his cheek and let go of him. "We should go back. The bell has rung for the first time.”

And with that he pulled Chan back into reality.

* * *

The incident with Matthew remained so present in Chan's head, that in the meantime he could even completely ignore the argument with Changbin and the Omega-matter.

He had briefly thought that Matthew would kiss him. Why had he not done it?

Chan was now certain that Matthew felt something for him. After all, he was one of the serious kind and did not play with feelings.

The only question was: What was wrong with Chan? Yes, he liked Matthew. Matthew was great. He was nice, talked about interesting topics, made unexpectedly stupid jokes, and what Chan liked most was how the other smiled and looked at him as soon as he started talking. It could be something totally trivial and Matthew would follow each of his words with an attention which made Chan feel valuable and also-

Chan let out a rattling breath.

Stop.

These were not good thoughts. Chan was not allowed to feel anything for Matthew.

Matthew was an Alpha and he was an Omega. That should fit perfectly, but that was exactly what disturbed Chan. What if Matthew had guessed from his "perfume" that he was an Omega and therefore pulled off this show?

Not that Matthew lost his honest character traits like this - after all, it was natural to react that way. He would not be fooling around, but that was what made Chan even more afraid.

No, he panicked.

Shit, falling in love with his good friend since kindergarten had been on the "how to destroy my ordinary life"-checklist.

Chan threw his arms up in frustration as he was sitting in the living room and watching Lucas who crawled on his play mat. "God, please have mercy!" he complained.

"Instead of yelling at God, you could pray silently," he heard a voice behind him.

His mother stood grinning a few metres behind the couch and looked at him amused. "You look pretty desperate."

Chan let out a breath. "It's just ... a lot is going wrong right now."

She sat down next to him and took Lucas on her lap. "I remember that feeling well. Suddenly everything is upside down. You believe that everything around you changes without you being able to do anything about it.”

Chan wished she was not that right about it. "I had an argument with Changbin," he told, at least to start somewhere.

"Because of the swimming team?"

"How do you know about this?" He frowned.

"I didn't. But your tattoo is on the upper body. I assumed that you would resign.” She sighed. "Which may not be the worst. Every duty less is a relief.”

Chan then fell silent. He had to admit that it depressed him, but also made it easier to no longer lead the team. Even though he often thought about it, he did not have to deal with planning sessions or being constantly approachable.

"Something else is bothering you."

Chan nodded, but did not go into more detail.

"All right, you don't have to talk about it."

So he did not.

* * *

Changbin did not talk to Chan the next day either. He expected - and it was his right - to be approached by the other, but Chan just did not have the guts to do that.

So he focused on surviving the last day of school this week.

Now it was known that Chan had misplaced the school's cashbox, but it hardly harmed his reputation. After all, it was the first "mistake" of his career, and people forgave him.

At least something positive this week.

In biology he got his grade for the query: a B+. Good, if you take in account that Chan was almost desperate the night before. So there were at least a few strings of hope.

But there was no comfort for him due the fact that Felix was still hurt, Hyunjin overwhelmed with the role of the captain and Changbin pissed.

Chan sat at the table with them, but he spoke much less. Meanwhile, Minho and Jisung mainly took over the leading role of the conversation.

"What about the parkour run?" Jisung asked, "Should we take courses?"

Changbin surprisingly answered. "Since Chan isn't able to swim, I doubt that he can do parkour running."

Chan lowered his sandwich and took a deep breath. "You're right. I will deregister us from the course.”

They were silent for the rest of the break, which was remarkable given that there were nine people at the table.

Chan always had music for the last double lesson on Fridays. Of course, he had chosen it as an advanced course, like Matthew, but he simply could not concentrate today.

His teacher Ms. Ahn also seemed to notice this. That was why she asked him to listen to a few intervals to get his attention back.

Chan made it through the interrogation halfway unscathed, but was still ashamed to be called out because of his absent-mindedness.

It was a little embarrassing to sit next to Matthew in the classroom after what had happened yesterday.

Chan was pretty sure that Matthew had flirted with him in a subtle way. Combined with Minho’s statement a few days ago, it all made sense.

Still, he did not dare to say a word about it. Matthew had not been clear, and since Chan did not really know what to do with his life anyway, he had at least some time to think about it. If he had come to a conclusion, he could have possibly said something.

Chan thought he could just go away after class, but Matthew thwarted him. "Are you going home with me?" he asked.

"Matt, we live in completely different directions," Chan said.

"I could take a detour."

Chan blinked several times. "What's wrong with you?" he said afterwards. He really had not expected Matthew to be that stubborn. Of course he was strong-willed, but he had never been offensive before.

"I mentioned before that we could spend more time together," Matthew explained.

That was also true again. That would not be wrong in itself, the only big problem was that Matthew was a damn Alpha and Chan was extremely attracted to his scent.

"If you don't feel like spending time with me, that's okay too."

"No!" Chan objected, "So yes. I mean ...” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm picking up my sister from kindergarten today, so it's not practical to go home together. If you want to see me, just come to the culture hall tomorrow. I'm helping my mother with her flea market stand there.” He smiled sheepishly and saw that Matthew's eyes lit up a little.

"Deal."

As Chan cycled to kindergarten, he kept wondering what the hell he had been thinking. In one second he made himself aware that he should avoid him and in the next he suggested that they could meet.

"Shit," he muttered, locking his bike. He looked for Hannah, who came out of the building.

"Chris!" she yelled and immediately ran toward him.

"My little angel!" Chan was actually happy to be able to pick her up again and knelt down, opened his arms and received his baby girl warmly.

"I thought mom would pick me up again."

"No, she's working as usual," he replied, lifting her up to put her on his bike after having mummified the porter with his jacket.

He had been thinking about getting a seat for Hannah. Although she would go to kindergarten for only one more year, he could still carriage her around afterwards. After all, it should not be a child seat, just a cushion with a small backrest so that she could sit more comfortably. He should talk to his mother about that again.

He drove them both home. Their mother might come in half an hour. Since she had been doing the pickup for Chan for a while, she had skipped a couple of shifts that she wanted to do now.

Because Chan had relieved himself by resigning from the swim team, he was able to concentrate more on taking care of his siblings.

As always, Lucas was in the daycare center, which, thank God, was on the way to his mother's work. Accordingly, she could always pick him up from there without having to take detours.

"Chan, I want to drink juice."

"I'm already looking." He inspected the cupboards and found tetra packs with pineapple juice, something he liked to drink himself. He took out two packs and went into the living room, where Hannah was sitting on the couch playing with something in her hand.

"What are you doing there?"

"I'm cleaning the cars."

Chan had given her his old Hot Wheels after having realized that she liked them. Her playbox was generally very colourful: Playmobil, Lego, dolls, racing cars, buildable train routes ... She was a nice and quiet girl in general, but you had to keep her busy.

"I found pineapple juice." He gave her a pack which she took.

She fiddled with the straw until she could peel it off and put it in. "Chan, why don't you swim anymore?” She took a sip.

"How do you know about that?"

"I heard mom and you talking about it."

Amused, Chan shook his head. "You little eavesdropper." He stroked the back of her head. "I have a lot to do and try to find out what I can give up," he replied honestly, knowing that Hannah at least understood the seriousness of the situation.

She said nothing, then slid to the floor to let the cars drive. "Are you going to meet Matt again?" she continued to pester him.

"Gosh, you're really curious today," he said, "why should I?"

“Because he's an Alpha and you an Omega. I also think he loves you.”

Did Hannah even know what "love" meant? Chan and Matthew were close friends - showing affection was really not uncommon.

"You don't know that for sure," he murmured and switched on the TV, simply because he did not know what else to do, "I thought you wanted to marry him. A princess finds her prince.” A small smile crept onto his lips.

She gasped outraged. "I've never said that!"

"I know."

Hannah pulled a pout. "Do you love Matt too?"

Chan sank into the couch and looked absently at the television screen.

"To be honest, I have no idea."

  
  



	15. "Why a daisy?"

Chan did not want to mourn any longer. He had to do something to rebuild his ego a bit.

It was a promise to help his mother at the flea market, but he had decided to go to the gym beforehand. After all, his father had given him this great birthday present, which he finally wanted to use.

During the workout, he was able to pretty much hide his problems. Thanks to his pills, it was no longer difficult for him to leave the house.

Maybe ... maybe he could just live kind of normally.

By early noon he was back home, where he showered quickly, as his mother was about to leave. He tried to keep himself happy by listening to music over his box and singing in the shower.

Then he put on comfortable everyday clothes - he ignored the tattoo - and dried his hair. He usually tamed them so that he would wear them somehow neatly, sometimes styling them up or wearing them in soft curls at school. Today, however, he was too lazy to do that. He was also certain that he would not meet any acquaintances at the flea market.

Matthew had announced that he would come, but Chan doubted that the older would actually appear. In the end, a flea market was not the most exciting place to meet.

Therefore, his dark hair danced in cute, natural curls which were rarely seen on other days.

_ "Chan? You coming?” _

_ "Yeah," _ he called through the open door and packed his backpack before going downstairs. He helped his mother with loading the car and then put various toys in his bag.

His mother did not work on Saturdays, but his father did, so they had to take Lucas and Hannah with them.

When they arrived at the culture hall, they set up their booth, although they had to hurry up because they only had three quarters of an hour left before the market would open.

His mother had always complained about how much stuff they actually had around their house, so she was visibly happy to finally get rid of all those things.

Chan himself had a fairly minimalistic room and his old things had been given to his siblings (although the mother still bought them new toys).

The Bang family had previously moved twice and some old belongings did not fit the current facility at all. All of the things had almost piled up in the basement, which is why his mother decided to sell them. Not to make money, but because it would be a shame to throw away items which were in a good condition.

After a while, the first people came here.

Chan had thought at first that it was going to be boring, but he was having quite interesting conversations and somehow it was fun to negotiate or promote certain items so they would be bought. At some point he was completely immersed in this activity.

When there was no customer, he just played a little bit with Hannah. He was sure that many people would stop by because his little sister caught their attention. Chan could not blame them because she was undoubtedly just cute.

Lucas was sleeping for the first hour, but after that he wanted to be entertained as well.

While his mother was busy with negotiating, Chan carried Lucas in his arms and showed him the things on the table. His brother did not speak much since he was only two years old. He only uttered a few words now and then.

"Look at this, Lucas. It is a vase. Vaaaase,” Chan explained, whereupon his brother only looked at the item in confusion.

Chan laughed softly and rubbed his nose against his narrow shoulder. "You look so cute when you're confused. Do you know that?" He cuddled Lucas and then put him down so he could run to his mother, clinging onto the table all the time.

"Oh, hello darling!" she greeted her son and picked him up when he stood right in front of her.

"Oh, that's a cute boy," an older lady said, "Are they all your children?"

"Yes," Chan's mother replied proudly, "These are Lucas and Hannah. and my oldest son Chan is over there."

"Your oldest? How old is he?"

"He's turned seventeen lately."

There was an interested look on the woman's face. "Does he already know his secondary gender?"

Chan tensed and pretended not to notice the conversation.

The market would be over in an hour and there was still no sign of Matthew. Therefore, he continued to focus on selling.

Fifteen minutes before the end, they started packing up the first things, as people were gradually disappearing from the market anyway.

Suddenly someone tapped Chan's shoulder.

Chan turned around and looked at Matthew in surprise. "Matt! I didn't expect that you'd still come.”

"Why should I miss the opportunity to see you?" The older hugged him tightly and buried his face in the crook of his neck.

Chan stopped a little overwhelmed by this jerky and intimate gesture, until he hesitantly returned it and breathed in the scent of ginger. It had a warm undertone. It was like sitting in front of a cup of tea.

"I'm sorry that I'm late, but I had guitar lessons.”

"Guitar lessons?" Chan repeated in surprise, "Since when have you been taking them?"

"That was my first lesson. It was also quite spontaneous, but whatever.” Matthew held out a daisy to Chan. "I picked this up earlier. As an excuse." He smiled slyly.

"Why a daisy?" Chan accepted the gift anyway. "Those are  _ your _ favourite flowers. ”

"They're my favourite flowers because they remind me of you."

Chan blushed and looked at the white flower in his hands. He smiled gently and gave a quick kiss on Matthew's cheek when he was sure no one was watching. He did not really want to share something intimate in this noisy and crowded place, but the words had moved him so much that he could not help it.

"Oh, Jinseok!" Chan's mother, who was only now noticing his presence, called, "Do you want to buy something at the flea market too?"

"No, I just wanted to see Chan."

"I see," she replied with a smile, "do you two want to do something outside? The weather's so nice.”

Chan looked around. "But the booth ...”

"I can clean it up on my own. Then you come home by train?”

Chan smiled gratefully at her, whereupon Matthew took his hand almost naturally and wanted to pull him along.

Then Chan realized that his sister was starting to sulk. He looked back and forth between the two. "Hannah, do you want to come with us?"

The little girl sparkled out of joy and nodded eagerly.

Matthew leaned over to Chan and whispered into his ear, "I like your sister, but I thought we could do something alone." He breathed against Chan's neck, which in turn caused goosebumps. "Or do you prefer your babysitting job over me?" One could almost hear the grin in his voice.

Chan could hardly deny his sister a wish and it was easily seen on his face.

So Matthew stepped forward and knelt in front of her. “Hello, Hannah." He held out his free hand to her, whereupon she took it hesitantly. _ “How are you?" _

_ "I’m great!" _ she replied, nodding enthusiastically.

Matthew smiled at her. "Do you mind if I have your brother only for me today?"

She pursed her lips and seemed reluctant.

“I can come over another time so that we can do something us three together. Then we have more time.”

With that she seemed to be satisfied; that was why she agreed and allowed the boys to go alone.

When they got outside, Chan slapped his chest.

"You didn't just invite yourself to my house, did you?" He smiled.

Matthew winked at him. “Perhaps? Only for Hannah's goodwill, of course.”

"Oh, you don't think of me at all?" Chan asked, allowing Matthew to intertwine their fingers. It was not the first time they were holding hands, so he was perfectly okay with it (even if his heart still wanted to explode).

"I barely think of anything different than you," Matthew admitted and Chan found it remarkable how straightforward and honest he was.

He looked so calm, but if you asked for his opinion, he was not talking about unnecessary trivials. Kim Matthew knew what he wanted. And sometimes he could say it very bluntly.

Unfortunately, Chan found that very attractive.

"Where do you want to go?" Chan asked.

"I thought we could do some parkour running," Matthew suggested, nodding to the market square.

There were some benches, small walls, trees and also some stairs, as the space was divided into different levels along the shopping street.

Chan thought of his tattoo. The inflammation had actually healed and he was no longer in pain. But he still had to keep up his lie. His friends believed that he was no longer swimming because of his health. Would it not be strange to do parkour running then? Especially since Chan had already canceled the future courses.

“Matt ... that's not a good idea.”

"We're taking it slow." The older one jumped on a bench and was still holding Chan's hand.

With a sigh, Chan followed him and so the two of them kept jumping over benches. People looked at them a little skeptically, but it did not bother many of them.

Matthew picked Chan up on a low but narrow wall and took his hand again. He led him over it and smiled constantly at him.

Chan returned the gesture embarrassed and walked over the wall at a leisurely pace before stopping at the end.

Matthew raised his arms questioningly as if to ask for consent.

Chan then nodded and let the other man grasp his waist before lifting him down. He put his arms around Matthew's neck and put his chin on the other’s shoulder.

Laughing softly, Matthew turned around and put him down, but did not remove his arms.

"Somehow that's exactly what I needed," Chan muttered.

"Walking over walls?"

"No, a hug."

Matthew sighed and stroked his tangled curly hair. “I like your hairstyle."

“It’s a mess."

“I still like it."

A few passers-by were walking past them, including two older women. "Oh, isn't young love beautiful?" one asked her friend.

Chan then broke away from Matthew, a sheepish expression on his face. "Come on, let's go further." Then he started jogging and crossed the benches with ease before moving across a smaller wall with a dash vault.

Matthew followed, eventually sitting on the railing of a staircase and sliding down on it.

Chan always skipped two steps when descending and somersaulted from the last.

This in turn aroused some impressed reactions from the people around them.

“You little show off. Didn't we want to take it slow?” Matthew teased and put an arm around his shoulder.

But it was so weird. He did not do it like a good friend, but more like a lover, and that was exactly what unsettled Chan. Was it okay what they were doing here? Were they not already crossing some limits?

"Do you want to drink bubble tea?" Matthew asked.

“I don’t have any cash with me."

“But I do."

Chan rolled his eyes and freed himself from Matthew's arm. "Why do you always want to invite me?"

"Why am I not allowed to?" Matthew asked in return.

Yes, why?

Because Chan was independent. Because Chan had his own money. Because Chan did not want to become addicted to Matthew and his caring side.

Matthew walked alongside him and nudged him. “Chan, I want to invite you because I just want it. It's not about somehow taking away the opportunity to prove that you’re independent," he said softly, "You don't have to prove anything to me. I know you have pocket money and you can pay yourself, okay?”

In the end, Chan was won over by the words and he accepted this offer almost without remorse. It was strange how well Matthew understood him, even though they were not best friends. The way the other man dealt with him triggered some kind of connection which Chan had never felt before. It was different from Changbin, but not less beautiful.

Matthew treated Chan very gently without wanting to mock him. It was just because he felt like it.

They sat by the huge city fountain and let their bare feet hang in the water while sipping their bubble tea. They talked about all sorts of things, including Matthew's guitar lessons and Chan's biology query, which he had survived with agony.

"Have you decided whether you want to be set up for the vice?" Chan asked, placing the empty mug next to him.

"I submitted my application," Matthew confirmed, "although it would be difficult to have a purely professional relationship with you." The words were so ambiguous that Chan got a nice shade of red on his face again.

"Junhyeok is also applying," Matthew said, "you know each other too, right?"

"Unfortunately," Chan grumbled, "How do you know he's applying?"

"We both wanted to hand in our profile at the same time."

Great. That had been missing. Junhyeok seriously wanted to apply. If he were on the school board, he would make life to hell for Chan. He already managed to do that occasionally. 

"You hear very ambiguous things from him," Matthew continued, "What's he like?"

"Jun is ... problematic," Chan said vaguely.

Matthew raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you call him by a nickname?"

Chan frowned. “Nickname sounds so nice. I call him that because it would be a waste of time to say his full name every time. He doesn't deserve that much attention.” Chan smiled and - as if it was absolutely natural to him - he put his head on Matthew's shoulder.

“But you only call Felix, if at all, by a nickname. Changbin sometimes too. Close friends. Why are you doing it with him?”

Chan raised his head and looked at Matthew with slightly lowered eyelids. “You jealous?"

Matthew held the gaze. “He’s older."

“So what?"

Matthew ran a hand briefly over Chan's cheek and then reached for his hand again. “And he's an Alpha.”

"How should that matter?" Chan continued. He did not want to admit it, but he enjoyed seeing the jealousy burning in Matthew's eyes. Not because he wanted to make the other person feel bad, but because he saw so much passion behind them that his heart had a few dropouts. He wanted to drown in Matthew's eyes.

“Because many find him attractive.”

"Now don't pretend that you aren’t attractive."

Matthew squeezed Chan's hand tighter. “Do you think that? Do you think I'm attractive because of my Alpha status? ”

Chan swallowed hard and bit his lower lip. “No."

The tension between them persisted.

"I’ve been finding you attractive, even before you got verified."

Matthew started to say something, but the next moment a bell sound was heard.

Chan first needed to understand that the ringing came from him, but then he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone before answering. “Yes?" He stayed silent. “Sure, I can get it on the way home.” He hung up. “That was my mother. She asked if I could still buy vegetables for dinner,” he said, looking up at the sky.

Meanwhile, Matthew seemed a little disappointed that the atmosphere had suffered a significant break, but he accepted it and watched the passing clouds with Chan.

Chan missed looking for cloud figures with all of his friends. However, due to the tension within the group, they had not had the opportunity to do something carefree in the past few days.

"There is an apple on the head of a crocodile," Chan claimed, pointing his finger to the sky.

Matthew cocked his head. "Well, with a lot of imagination," he replied amused and was looking too. "There’s a heart."

Chan frowned before his face lit up. “Ah yes. Found it."

“Fate."

At some point, Chan would get a heart attack from all the flirtation. The only method was to pretend to be deaf and to stay as calm as possible.

“I’d say that it was a coincidence,” Chan replied, taking his feet out of the water.

They continued walking barefoot through the city, but only for so long until their feet were dry again, which did not take long because the sun was still shining warmly.

Matthew even accompanied Chan while shopping, but after that they had to say goodbye to each other because they both had to show up at home early for dinner.

They had to take different lines, which is why their ways were separated at the train station.

"It was funny," Matthew said, "We really should do something more often."

“Yeah, we should."

Matthew smiled and brushed a curl behind Chan's ear. He leaned forward slowly.

Chan turned his head and looked away. "Here comes your train," he announced.

Matthew then stepped back and looked in the same direction. “Right. Well, see you on Monday.”

“See you."

On the way home, Chan's thoughts were always helpless in his head. Should he not just let it happen? Matthew mentioned that he wanted to kiss his partner's tattoo first.

Chan grew incredibly hot at the thought of having Matthew's lips on his rib. So he shifted his focus to other things and tried to think of the unimportant.

But his fast pounding heart simply did not leave him calm.

* * *

"Changbin!" Chan called, catching up with the other.

"What?"

Chan looked at him desperately. "I know you're mad at me and I understand that. I screwed up and I’m sorry."

“It's nice that this has come into your sense as well.” Changbin tried to walk past him, but Chan stopped him.

"Even if we don't get along very well right now, you still have to appear at the school board meetings. We're lost without you.”

"You should have thought about this before excluding me from your life." Changbin crossed his arms. "We’ve been friends since I started school here. Still, you don't trust me. Do you know how this makes me feel?”

Chan felt a burn behind his eyes, but he could not give in. It was not about his feelings, but Changbin's. "I don't know, but it's definitely terrible. I'm really sorry.” He even bowed and kept his head down.

He could not see it, but Changbin's face softened a little. “Stop doing that. People are already staring at us.”

Chan straightened his back again. “I'm sorry."

"And stop apologizing all the time."

“What should I do otherwise?"

Changbin massaged his nasal bone. “Uff, I don't know. Maybe telling me the truth?” he suggested sarcastically.

Chan took a deep breath. He should have the courage to confess it to someone who was not from his family. Although Changbin had this status almost emotionally anyway. Exactly, trust. Be honest. Preserve friendship.

"Changbin, I ..." His words got stuck in his throat, especially since he felt that the people around them were listening to them, even if that was probably quite paranoid.

Changbin looked at him and raised his right eyebrow. “Yes?"

Chan took a deep breath. “I cannot tell you. Not here."

"Then somewhere else."

Chan closed his eyes. "I-I ... Okay, I can't say it in general," he finally admitted. He was not ready for it yet. He was sure he could trust himself at some point, but there was still so much to sort out in his head, things he just wanted to have by himself. He was mentally unable to open up. It was a huge block made up of fear, disappointment, anger and frustration. It was impossible to just break through it. This dam simply existed, although Chan wanted to fight it with all rationality.

Changbin shook his head. "Goodbye, Chan." After that he went on.

“No, Changbin. Please wait,” Chan said in a slightly scratchy voice, but his friend ignored him and walked out of the auditorium.

It took Chan all the strength not to cry immediately. He had been doing this far too often in the past few days, but every event was getting worse.

Chan hated himself for not being honest. Changbin did not deserve that. But most importantly, Chan did not deserve his friendship.

Maybe it was fair to be left alone. That his friends excluded him for his asshole behaviour. Because Chan was ultimately a measly Omega.

Even though the inflammation had healed, the tattoo burned his skin more than ever.


	16. "Or are you a pussy?"

"Have you already heard? Junhyeok has become the vice!”

The news had been going around school all day, and Chan was just fed up.

It was Thursday and the vote had taken place in a special session yesterday. Lots of people had submitted an application for the position of the vice, but luckily Momo had sorted many of them out based on a certain level you have to get. Therefore, the session had been a lot more structured.

Matthew's application had reached the final round, and Chan tried to get voters for him. But it was not unknown that the two were friends, so it had been difficult to take his arguments as logical and rational reasons rather than sympathy statements.

The frustrating thing was: Matthew would be a great vice. Chan knew that. After all, he had leader qualities. If someone in their group got hurt, he was there for solace as he saw it as his responsibility. He just preferred to stay in the back, therefore, Chan was seen as the - more or less - official leader of their group. 

It was stupid that Chan had never thought of asking him to become his vice.

No, instead he had let it come to a vote in which 90 percent of the voters knew Junhyeok significantly better than Matthew.

"Fucking bullshit," Chan grumbled and spotted Hyunjin talking to Changbin.

Hyunjin immediately went up to him and waved. "Oh my God, Matt hasn't become vice?" he said, agitated.

It was impressive how quickly he had gotten into his role as captain. The team would go to the championships at the weekend, and since Chan could no longer bear the constant cheering on him, he had made it public that he would resign. It was just a lot fairer like this.

This, in turn, had generated a lot of distrust among the students. Chan wanted to crawl into the last corner. He knew people were starting to talk about him, and he should not mind it, but surprise: he did. That probably sounded over-dramatized, but he felt as if his identity was breaking apart bit by bit.

"I did everything," Chan sighed, "but it's still the decision of the school board. My vote counts as much as any other.” The next moment he spotted Matthew and went up to him.

"Matt! I'm so sorry, I-”

Matthew raised his hand and smiled weakly. "It's okay. I wasn't really hoping to become vice. Junhyeok might be better for this position anyway.”

Chan shook his head vigorously. "No! No ... definitely not.” He exhaled audibly and looked openly at Matthew. "I can't change the vote, but I wanted to let you know that I chose you."

Matthew blinked, overwhelmed, before smiling broader, genuinely pleased. "That is the most important thing."

"Hey lovebirds," Minho greeted the two and supported his forearm on Matthew's shoulder, "I've just heard that Junhyeok won the election."

Chan sighed heavily. "Ugh, please don't rub it under my nose. I don't feel comfortable with that guy. I'm sure you can't even rely on him and ... what are you looking at?”

Minho pointed to the person behind him.

Chan then turned around and saw Junhyeok, whereupon he rolled his eyes.

"Wow, that's not a good mindset to start our relationship with."

"I’d call it casual acquaintance," Chan replied, "and now go. I don’t want to see you.”

"Pretty scratchy today, huh? ”

Chan was definitely not like that on casual days, but he could not help it. He could not forget how smitten Junhyeok was by his smell. It frightened him. Unlike Matthew, Junhyeok elicited the negative kind of panic and having to work with him so closely was more a curse than a blessing.

Junhyeok was called by his friends, which is why he raised his hand to say goodbye. However, Chan answered with a "tsk".

"I know you don't like him that much, but it's never been so bad," Hyunjin commented.

"That's because he likes him," Changbin said suddenly. He had made the statement with an astonishingly neutral expression..

Chan blushed instantly, looking restlessly between his friends. "N-No! That's not true at all." He glanced at Matthew, who contorted his face. "I swear!" He looked at everyone a little helplessly.

Matthew cleared his throat. "So I'll go to the kiosk," he said and turned to Minho, "are you coming with me?"

The two disappeared, whereupon Chan looked after them, perplexed. Great. Now Matthew actually believed that he had somehow a crush on Junhyeok. This assumption could not be further away from reality.

Chan buried his face out of frustration in his hands. "Changbin ... why did you say that?" he murmured.

"I always thought that it was a kind of love-hate relationship," the other answered, shrugging his shoulders.

Okay, they had a fight. And Chan had done some very stupid things. Still, it just was not fair. 

"Changbin, I-"

"I have to go." With that he said goodbye and walked away.

Hyunjin looked pityingly at Chan and patted him on the shoulder. "Hey, man ... Are you alright?"

Chan took a deep breath and was about to pour out his entire heart, but he did not want to strain Hyunjin unnecessarily. After all, he already had enough to do with his new position as captain.

"Hyunjin, I'm really sorry," he apologized spontaneously.

The younger shook his head. "I have no idea what's going on with you. But you seem to have a lot of stress. I understand that." He took Chan in his arms and ruffled his hair. He had always been a big cuddler. When he broke away, he grinned. "Besides, the captain role is pretty cool. After all, I have THE infamous whistle now.”

This elicited a chuckle from Chan. "How's Felix doing?"

"Better. As far as he told me, he wanted to talk to you again today. You two haven't done much with each other in the past few weeks."

That was true. With all the stress and chaos, Chan had barely thought of talking to his Aussie buddy. Felix liked to show up at his house to play with the children (he was half a child anyway).

"But he hasn't approached me today."

Hyunjin sighed. "Yes, thought so. Give him some more time.”

Chan did not have to wait long.

Felix caught up with him already during the lunch break when he was on his way to the classroom to put all the letters from the students into the desk. He also wanted to prepare for the next session, which was later. The first session with Junhyeok.

"Chan!" Felix stopped him.

"Oh, hey," Chan greeted him, surprised.

"I ... I'm sorry that I’ve been avoiding you like this," the younger boy apologized immediately.

Chan shook his head. "No, you have the right to do so. To be honest, I'm surprised you're talking to me at all." He unlocked the classroom and went to the desk before opening the drawer. "What's up?"

"Tomorrow there will be a party with our swimming team.”

Of course. It was the tradition of the team. Actually, the original idea was not a party but a preparatory ceremony. Chan had invented it because he knew the tension before a tournament was very high. Therefore, the previous day's meeting was always used to strengthen the group feeling again and to exchange thoughts, to calm each other down, so that in the end they could utilize their full potential in the competition.

"Oh, sounds nice."

"And I should invite you."

Chan blinked at that. "I’m no longer a captain."

"But technically you’re still on the team," Felix countered, "Hyunjin wants it to be a special meeting. After all, it's not just any competition, it's about the national championships.”

Chan swallowed hard and squatted on the desk. "Felix ..."

"If you don't want to come as a part of the swim team, come as a good friend," Felix continued, _ "This is my one and only wish, Chris.” _

Chan chewed his lower lip thoughtfully and looked into Felix's face. He sighed heavily. "No, don't do the puppy's eyes, Lix."

Felix opened his eyes further and pouted.

"Fine, I'll come."

* * *

The principal allowed the swimming club to hold its ritual at school. Each club had a responsible teacher and in that case it was Ms. Jo, Chan's physical education teacher. The two had always been on good terms, which is why she had actively supported the establishment of the swimming team (especially since she was an enthusiastic swimmer herself).

For the late afternoon she was the boy's watchdog, but actually she was in the teacher's room all the time because she still had work to do and did not want to disturb them. 

Chan was one of the first to arrive and helped Hyunjin and Felix reorganize the auditorium so that you could sit comfortably here.

Chan had brought some games from home that he had always used for these meetings. While he was stacking the packs on a table, Hyunjin lit candles in glasses to make the room appear warmer. Felix made his music box ready to blast some good songs.

After a short time Jinyoung and Yunho came in, ten minutes later Jiwon entered the auditorium.

"Where's Changbin?" Chan asked.

Before Hyunjin could answer, the door to the school building slammed. Shortly after Changbin and Minho and Matthew showed up.

"What are Minho and Matt doing here?" Chan whispered. He smelled himself panicked because he had not thought about taking the pills. Jinyoung was a Beta and therefore had a much weaker sense for perceiving pheromones. Yunho and Jiwon were both under 17.

Chan did not know why he sniffed himself because he could not smell his own pheromones anyway. So he refrained from doing anything further before anyone could notice.

"I said it was a special meeting," Felix explained.

"I didn’t catch it like that," Chan replied, perplexed and watched as Seungmin, Jeongin and Jisung came into the school building shortly afterwards.

Hyunjin stood behind Chan. "It was my idea. The tournament is a big deal and I wanted everyone to be there. The more mental support we have, the better.”

Chan could not deny that. He still had to avoid Matthew because he smelled like a scented tree without the pills. As much as possible, he took part in other conversations and played with all the other members Uno, Twister or other games.

Hyunjin, however, mustered everyone up after a while, which is why they sat in a circle. "So Minho wanted to play truth or dare."

Irritated reactions. A little nervous laughter. Confused murmur.

"And I think the idea’s good," Hyunjin claimed, "It's good to be a little more confidential again." He winked and waved the teammates over to him.

Chan hesitantly sat between Felix and Jeongin.

"Should we spin a bottle?" Jinyoung asked.

Hyunjin shook his head. "I don't have a bottle. But we can also pick each other.” He looked around thoughtfully and picked Jiwon out.

They played a few unspectacular rounds where harmless questions were asked.

So far, only Jisung had chosen dare and had to show his amazing cartwheel skills. The performance had been more dangerous (not only to him, but also to his surroundings).

Jisung picked Minho, who chose truth.

"Wow, a lot of truth is being chosen today," Hyunjin commented, and Chan found something strange about his undertone.

"Are you in love?" Jisung asked Minho.

He smiled. "Yes."

Some inhaled sharply.

"With my cats."

There was silence before the first began to snort. The mood became a little more relaxed and also more playful.

"Joking. I'm not in love with anyone." Minho looked around thoughtfully and pointed to Changbin. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Boring."

Changbin raised an eyebrow. "You chose truth yourself."

"Yes, because I'm too lazy to move," Minho argued, "but I would have expected you to choose dare. Or are you a pussy?”

The boys looked at each other in surprise. The provocation was clearly audible from Minho's voice.

"Me and a pussy?" Changbin was not someone who could easily be enraged. He was actually a very peaceful person, but if you hit sore spots, he could get pretty angry.

"Yes." Minho smiled. "It might be better that you don't take a dare. You wouldn't have the guts anyway.”

"Are you kidding me?" Changbin crossed his arms.

"So you choose dare?"

"Definitely."

The heated conversation had created quite a tension, which is why everyone now looked expectantly at Minho, who tapped his fingers against each other. "Play 'Seven Minutes in Heaven' with ...” Minho turned his head to Chan. "With our beloved head boy."

There was silence in the group.

"Changbin’s my best friend," Chan said perplexed.

"Yes, that's why it shouldn't be a problem."

Chan tried to understand the situation and looked at Changbin, who only gazed back in confusion. Chan took a quick glance at Hyunjin, who grinned.

Wait a moment.

But that was not a sophisticated plan, was it?

"I've already noticed. It's too tough,” Minho said, shrugging his shoulders.

Changbin growled and tensed the jawbone. "No, I'll do it."

Chan was so overwhelmed that he could not even understand the situation. Instead, he allowed Minho to grab the two by the wrists and drag them along. "We're going to the sports changing room!" he announced.

The room was on the lowest floor of the school. The hall was closed, but the doors to the changing rooms were always open because students often forgot their sports bags.

The area for the showers was in a separate room, which was directly connected to the changing room. The doors could be locked both outside and inside, which would make it the perfect place to play.

"Please hand in cell phones and any wristwatches," Minho commanded, holding out his hands.

Chan and Changbin handed him their smartphones and avoided eye contact.

"Well. Lights stay off. You have seven minutes to do whatever you want.” Minho smiled. "Or ... well, to talk about everything you want to talk about."

That was a broad hint. Chan had suspected it.

He and Changbin entered the room before the door closed behind them.

There was silence for the first thirty seconds before Chan walked further into the room and leaned against the wall. It was not pitch black because the gap of the closed door still let weak light into the room.

"Why did Minho suggest this dare?" Changbin asked into the dark.

"Shh, not that loud. Otherwise the others will hear us,” Chan whispered, looking for the silhouette of Changbin before he grabbed his arm and pulled him with him. There was a wall in the room which had a passage. This passage led to the shower area.

Chan entered the shower area fully to make sure they were not heard. "Minho suggested this dare so we could talk to each other," he explained finally, "He deliberately provoked you and then selected me to play this game with you."

An "ohhhh" escaped Changbin and finally there was silence.

"So ... "

"Chan, no. I said everything I wanted to say and you too. It makes no sense."

Chan swallowed hard and looked down. He sank against the wall before making a startled sound.

He had triggered the shower, which is why the water was pattering down on him.

Changbin turned to him, startled. "Chan! Is everything okay?!"

"Yeah, I just got wet."

Changbin had to suppress a laugh. "You're so clumsy." He held his hands in front of him and tried to find his best friend until he got hold of his wet shirt. "Better get away before you turn the shower on again and slip." There was real concern in his voice.

Chan's heart broke. He finally had to be honest with Changbin.

So he started to speak, but there was only a sob coming out. The lump in his throat turned now into tears and he could not help crying because it was the first time in days that Changbin had let him come closer than two metres.

Changbin was shocked himself, even though Chan could not see the expression on his face.

"Chan ..."

"I'm so sorry," Chan said with a hiccup, wiping his face super effectively with his wet hands, "I'm so, so, so infinitely sorry. I know that I'm unfair to you and I can understand that you're angry. But I can't do this without you. Changbin, I need y-"

Words got stuck in his throat as he felt the arms wrapped around his waist. Changbin hugged Chan tightly and ran his hands along his back.

"I'll get your clothes wet," Chan sniffed, still thankfully wrapping his arms around the smaller boy's neck and burying his face in his shoulder.

"Doesn't matter," Changbin whispered.

They hugged each other silently, while Changbin continued to comfortably run his hands over Chan's back.

"I ... I really want to tell you what's going on. But …"

"... you’re not ready for it," Changbin finished the sentence with a heavy sigh.

"Yes. But I really want to tell you.” Chan broke away from Changbin, who then sat on the floor and leaned against the partition between the showers.

"I understand." Changbin crossed his arms behind his head. "It just hurts me. Usually you always come straight to me.” He was silent for a few seconds. "But if it's that serious, it's okay."

"Really?" Chan asked with a hopeful undertone.

"You just have to promise me that you will tell me at some point. No matter whether in a month, in three months or in three years. But I want you to tell me at some point, okay?” Changbin said seriously.

Chan exhaled in relief. "That goes without saying, Binnie," he said and giggled softly, dropped to his knees and finally crawled to Changbin. "After all, you are my very bestest friend in the whole world."

"Yes? Is that so?" Changbin looked up, amused.

Chan nodded, even if you could not see it in the dark anyway. "I'll explain everything to you if I can deal with it myself."

"I'm trying to be patient."

Chan gratefully leaned his forehead against Changbin's collarbone and closed his eyes.

The younger one stretched out his legs so that Chan could lie between them. The two of them did not care that they were soaking wet now because it was so good to hug their best friend again.

Chan placed his head on Changbin's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his torso as he hummed contentedly.

Changbin, however, had put his hand on his shoulder and gently ran his thumb over it in circles.

The two flinched when they heard that the door was opened.

"Whoops, where are the two?" Jisung questioned.

"Maybe in the back," Felix assumed.

The two had no time to sit properly again, when the team was right in front of them.

"Why are you wet?" Jeongin asked, confused.

"The shower," Changbin said as he got up and tugged on his wet top.

Chan wiped the curls from his face and let out a long breath. "I hit the button."

"And then you decided to just cuddle?" Hyunjin asked, amused.

Changbin rolled his eyes. "We didn't _ just _ cuddle."

Then there was a whistle on the part of Jinyoung.

"It was not meant like that!"

The others laughed and before Chan knew it, he laughed as well. He held out his fist to Changbin, and it felt really good that his best friend held his own fist against it.


	17. "You'll break your bones!”

Chan had spent the weekend devoting himself to school and his own thoughts. He had tried to figure out what and who he was. For this he had looked in the mirror for hours or had inspected the packs of his pills, on which the Omega symbol was clearly visible.

But nothing could distract him from the fact that he missed the national student championships. He had been working for a long time with his members for this moment and now he could not go. It was more than frustrating. It was crushing, the injustice itself. Every time it put him in mental pain as soon as he even thought of swimming.

He really did not want to do anything. But that would not have been possible anyway. This weekend Minho had a dance competition, Jisung and Jeongin went to the championships because the two of them were pretty close to Felix, Seungmin was at a baseball game with his father and Matthew?

He did not answer Chan's messages.

Chan texted him on WhatsApp, but no response came back. So he did not dare to put him under pressure. He was probably still pissed off about the vice election.

Chan could understand it; he would be pretty mad as well. Still, he could not stop his chest from contracting painfully when he looked at the blue hooks next to his message.

He could be somehow distracted by playing with Hannah and Lucas or doing the chores, but he lost himself in thoughts too often. 

His life suddenly seemed so empty, precisely because of the absence of his friends. In the end, it was the fault of his existence as Omega. Or generally of this stupid system. If it were not for this, Chan could live in peace.

On Sunday evening he was sitting on the bed listening to music on his headphones. He listened to different samples from the Internet because he wanted to work on a minor track so that he could do at least something which he genuinely enjoyed.

"Oh, that sounds good," he murmured, listening to the loop again. His mother had allowed him to buy two to three sounds a month from her account because he was good at school and she wanted to give him something valuable instead of just ordinary pocket money.

Chan added the sound to his program and kept working on the track. He grabbed his lyrics book and stared into it before taking a pen and writing down sentences indiscriminately, sentences which appeared spontaneously in his head.

He hummed a small melody and looked at the page where most of the text had been crossed out.

He circled the last lines which he had written down:

_ I've been thinking 'bout my life. _

_ Is it better if I die? _

* * *

On Monday morning there was a lot of excitement. The swimming team had successfully returned from the championships and was warmly welcomed by the students of the Hanju school.

Chan was incredibly proud and despite his pain, he adored the achievements of his team. There was a spark of his own passionate work in their whole performance at the competition.

The bubble burst when he heard a conversation. He would never eavesdrop on purpose. It was not his business what people discussed.

He had actually wanted to take the way around the corner where he heard two students talking to each other. It also sounded like they were talking confidentially, so he had wanted to turn back to take a different route. But he had automatically stalled when he heard his name.

"Maybe Hwang's the better captain. After all, he also took first place in breaststroke.”

"I also think he could beat Chan by now. He always has so much to do with his duties as head boy. Definitely didn't feel like doing anything more for the swimming team.”

"That's kinda ironic. He founded the team, but in the end Hwang leads it better than he ever did. Thanks to him, the Hanju team is now in the next round! There has never been a sports group from our school qualified for the national championships.”

Chan stood frozen. Every word hit him in the back like a knife stab. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. After all the work, after all the dedication, after all the dreams which had been lasting for months, he stood here and listened to how people lost confidence in him. That he did not just feel weak. No, he actually was weak.

He gritted his teeth and turned back, not to go to the classroom as planned, but to the secretariat.

"I'd like to be freed from class."

It was crazy. Chan never missed classes. You could break both his legs and an arm. He would jump to school on the remaining healthy hand.

And now the discussion of two students, whom he might not even know, hurt him so much that he was unable to go through the rest of the school day. He never thought that an emotional state could weaken him in this way.

So he rode home after his mother confirmed over the phone to the secretary that it was okay. Of course, he would have to explain the situation later, but he preferred it to staying six more hours in school.

At home, he slammed the door shut and began to cry. He wanted to take something and throw it around, but he held back. He took a deep breath and went up to his room.

He laid down on the bed and buried himself under the covers where he wanted to isolate himself from the rest of the world. He had felt miserable for the past few weeks, but that was the worst case ever.

His biggest fear had come true: He got lost. He lost everything which he was proud of. For a long time he had wanted Bang Chan to be a name which put a smile on people's faces. He wanted to be the person you looked at and who you wanted to trust.

Now he was lying here like a heap of misery and could not even begin to imagine ever stepping out of this house again. Usually he could picture what the next day would look like, how it could be organized and what had to be done.

This time he only saw darkness.

His mother came home later than usual. No wonder. This time she had to pick up Hannah again, which made Chan feel just bad.

He was left alone for the next hour, against his expectations. Maybe his mother kept Hannah busy by letting her help with cooking (Hannah always had an incredible amount of fun in the kitchen).

Chan threw back the covers and stared into the air. What should he do? He looked over at his bedside table and saw his notebook. Maybe it could help to write a little further on his lyrics.

He reached for the notebook and paused as the screen of his cell phone, which was right next to the lyrics book, lit. 

He grabbed the smartphone and discovered a message. It came from Matthew.

**Matt**

Are you ok

_ 11:16 _

The message had been written in the second break of school. In the third and fourth lesson he would have had math with Matthew and Minho, and then he would have attended Japanese and religion classes alone. The two were the only ones who could know about his absence. Unless they had reported it to the others. But since nobody else had messaged him, he dared to doubt it.

It was not unusual for him to spend the lunch break in the school boardroom or with various teachers to talk about upcoming projects. Therefore, it was not noticeable if he was missing at this time, although he wanted to have lunch with his friends as often as possible.

Chan considered answering, wondering if a response was not too late anyway. He shrugged and started typing:

**You**

Ngl, actually not

_ 18:01 _

Suddenly his mother called him: "Chan! Dinner!"

Chan tossed the phone on his bed and left the room. 

His father was there at dinner too. He did not know Chan was an Omega yet. The mother hid it because she wanted Chan to be free in his decisions.

But Chan would prefer to reveal it to as few people as possible. For now. He did not want to go into the whole outing issue with lots of self-loathing, even if it was difficult for him. At the moment he felt safer to keep the whole thing to himself.

After dinner, he left the table and returned to his own room. He reached for his cell phone and was surprised to find that Matthew had answered him less than five minutes ago.

**Matt**

I'm worried

_ 18:38 _

Do you need someone to talk to?

_ 18:39 _

Chan had no clue about what he needed. He did not really feel like talking. So he pondered before answering.

**You**

I need a hug ಥ⌣ಥ

_ 18:45 _

This time he did not even have to wait thirty seconds for the next message to arrive.

**Matt**

I can come over

_ 18:45 _

Chan blinked in confusion.

**You**

it's far too late ಠ▃ಠ

_ 18:47 _

Matthew did not answer that anymore. So Chan thought the statement had been a joke so he sat at his desk to work on his laptop. After all, he now had a few ideas for his music and wanted to put them into practice immediately.

He almost fell off his chair in surprise when something flew against his window.

A bird?

Chan paused and waited. Maybe he had imagined it.

But only a few moments later it landed against the window again.

Chan set aside his laptop and leaned across the table before looking down through the window. There he vaguely recognized a person and narrowed his eyes. Then he gasped and opened the window. He could just barely dodge a stone.

"Oh shit, sorry!" the person called.

Chan ignored that and stared down stunned. "Matt!" he whisper-yelled and continued in English,  _ "What are you doing here?!" _

"You said you needed a hug. Here I am,” the older replied and smiled up at him.

"I ... It's late and ..." Chan did not know how he should explain to his parents that Matthew was standing in their garden so spontaneously. It was very unusual for friends to come to him during the week because his schedule filled the afternoons endlessly and the weekends were much more suitable for meetings.

"Doesn't matter, I'm already there." Matthew shrugged. "Chan, I need half an hour by bike to you. That's really manageable.” He looked around and then walked towards the tree which grew in the Bang family's garden. He skilfully climbed up the branches until he reached the canopy.

"You'll break your bones!”

"Nonsense. With Jae we have already climbed higher obstacles.”

"Yes, but we also had mats for that!" Chan protested, leaning further out of the window so that his face was directly in front of Matthew's.

Matthew just grinned cheekily. Since when had he been so provocative? "Just be glad that I'm there. Or aren't you happy about it?” He reached for Chan's hands on the window frame.

Chan blinked several times. "No, it's not that. I'm just really surprised.”

"Surprises are nice," Matthew commented, placing his hands next to Chan’s before he pulled himself up.

Chan stepped back so Matthew could climb through the window. 

He put his feet down on the table and exhaled audibly. No wonder. He had just climbed to the second floor.

"You are incredible," Chan muttered.

"Thank you. And you look gorgeous.”

The compliment embarrassed Chan. He was wearing gray wide sweatpants and an old shirt. He really did not know why it should be spectacular.

Matthew took off the shoes and put them on the floor next to the table before closing the window. It was better like that because the wind blew in constantly.

Chan had crouched on the bed and was still looking at Matthew a little overwhelmed. It was not a dream, was it?

"I thought you were mad at me," he admitted finally, while Matthew looked around the room a bit as if he was seeing it for the first time.

"You still haven't replaced the mirror," he noticed.

"That doesn't answer my question."

Matthew sighed and came up to Chan. He crouched next to him and looked at him. "I wasn't angry," he explained, and the honest tone of his voice convinced Chan. Matthew shrugged. "More… embarrassed.”

"You and embarrassed?"

Matthew laughed. "Yes, of course." He dropped onto Chan's mattress and looked at the ceiling. "And I was frustrated. I mean, I lost the election and shortly afterwards you avoided me at the swim team's ceremony party.”

Chan grimaced. "I'm sorry. I've been acting like a complete idiot lately.”

"A little bit."

"Hey!" Chan slapped his chest and they both laughed.

Then Matthew looked serious. "No, honestly. I'm worried about you. Bang Chan doesn't just skip lessons.”

"Bang Chan doesn't just leave the swim team too," Chan said, "but he's still here as an ex-member."

"Precisely." Matthew straightened up so that he could support himself with his forearms. "Something's wrong with you. And I think it has something to do with all that ABO stuff.”

Chan's face grew hot. "What makes you think that?"

"Because it's normal for people to suddenly behave differently. They're confused and feel left alone.” Matthew cocked his head. "I may not be your very best friend, but I'm the only person of your friends who can reasonably understand what it feels like to suddenly have the hormone crash of your life."

Chan closed his eyes and sat on the bed against the wall. He had not even thought about it explicitly. At the moment, the two of them were the only ones in their group who went through this phase.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I never wanted that either,” Matthew continued, “But I'm there. And it doesn't matter what the situation is between us at the moment.”

"What's the situation between us?" Chan whispered.

Matthew sat up properly. He grabbed the other's hand and held it firmly in his. "I wish the situation ... was different. But I don't know about you.”

Chan's face was all hot again. He looked at their intertwined fingers and exhaled audibly. "I-I don't know," he admitted.

Matthew nodded slowly. "Thought so. You don't have to answer right away.” He let go of his hand and spread his arms. "Well, I'm actually here for the hug."

Chan swallowed hard and looked around for his pills.

"You don't have to suppress your pheromones. I'm okay with it.”

But Matthew was so close - he could guess that Chan was an Omega and then ... Yes, what then? Chan was still confused anyway that the other one would not just comment on it.

Unless he was silent on purpose.

"Better keep your pills for school."

That, in turn, was a valid argument. Matthew also smelled so temptingly like ginger. Today the smell was mild and tender. A little bit sweet. Like there were a few drops of honey in the tea. 

So he hesitantly crawled towards the other before the older pulled him onto his lap and hugged him tightly. 

Matthew almost inhaled the smell and breathed warmly against Chan's skin. "You smell a little like peaches," he recognized, "You usually smell more like vanilla." He wrapped his strong arms tightly around Chan's waist and pulled him close to himself.

Chan made a startled sound and held onto the other's shoulders a little overwhelmed. At the same time, he could not help sniffing Matthew's hair. It really drove him crazy.

It was a little strange how the two of them were sitting there, exploring each other's scents, but honestly? Chan had been wanting to do it all the time. There was something about it which made him ecstatic and he could not help imagining how he pressed his mouth against Matthew's, not only smelling his scent, but also tasting it.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Matthew's nape, while the older man nudged the crook of his neck and then wandered further until he came to the neckline of Chan's worn shirt. He pressed his mouth onto the skin, sending small electric shocks through Chan's body.

His brain was packed in a single cotton ball and he imagined how good it would feel if Matthew could actually caress his skin.

What had started in a simple hug degenerated into awkward but intense touches.

"More," Chan said in a choked voice.

Matthew had just been smelling Chan's shirt when he paused and looked up at the younger one. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know," Chan answered in a brittle voice. He tugged on Matthew's top. "But I cannot stand it longer. You smell so good."

"You too, you too ..." Matthew mumbled and cradled him in his arms, "But-"

"Matt,  _ please." _ Chan did not care what would happen for these few moments. He was just so intoxicated and happy to finally be able to completely forget all the problems and worries. It had not worked before and now he was sitting here with nothing else in mind except Matthew, Matthew and more Matthew.

His supplication had probably swept the last of rationality out of Matthew's head. "Fuck, where's your tattoo?"

"What?"

"Your tattoo. _ I want to kiss it.”  _ The last sentence was in English as his brain seemed to forget about Korean language skills. Although Matthew knew Korean by heart, every time he was overwhelmed he could not help to switch languages. Most of the time he did not even notice it.

Chan's hands trembled. Right. Matthew wanted to kiss his partner's tattoo first.

Chan must have been really crazy as he leaned forward and breathed aloud, "It's there." He pointed to his rib below the chest. He did not even care that Matthew just assumed he already had the tattoo. He did not want to think about anything anymore.

Matthew inhaled sharply. "May I?" He touched the hem of Chan's shirt and pulled lightly on it.

Before Chan could answer, he heard voices in the hallway.

Within a second he was back in reality and discerned that a) his mother was outside and was probably just bringing Hannah to bed, b) he was sitting here on Matthew's lap and, to make matters worse, he was getting really hard during their actions and c) Matthew was not doing better and Chan was sitting in the middle of his crotch, which is why he felt the older's excitement clearly on his butt.

There was a knock on his door and he squeaked softly. "Shit, under my bed! Under my bed!" he whispered in panic.

Matthew understood immediately and threw himself off the mattress before hiding.

Chan crawled under the covers and took his notebook, opened it and held it so that you could not see his hard-on. "Yeah?"

The door opened. "Chan," his mother said, "I just wanted to ask if you were okay."

Chan shrugged. "It ... no, the day was not good," he admitted, biting his lower lip. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Maybe tomorrow. I'm actually pretty tired.” Chan yawned to stress his statement. Actually it was not even forced.

His mother smiled. "Got it. Good night, sweetheart.”

"Good night."

The door closed and Chan exhaled in relief. He leaned over the bed and looked down at Matthew. "Are you all right?"

Matthew groaned. "It really hurts to lie on a boner."

Chan blushed, but gasped at the answer. "I’m really sorry."

"It's okay.” Matthew crawled out from under the bed and tried to calm down. He rubbed his tangled hair and smiled gently at Chan. "Wow, it's late. I should probably go home.”

Chan bit his lip and held onto Matthew's arm. "No. It's too dark. I don't want you to go now.” He looked up at Matthew.

"Chan ..."

Chan was trembling. He did not know what it all meant. Neither why he acted like this nor why he did not want to let Matthew go. But he could not stand being alone now. With all his confused thoughts which were now about Matthew. He needed the other with him.

"First lesson is cancelled tomorrow," Chan murmured, "you would have enough time to go home tomorrow morning."

Matthew took Chan's hand and ran his thumb over it. "Do you have a blanket for me?"

"I thought you were sleeping in bed with me."

"If that's okay?"

And it was okay.


	18. "Something's wrong with him."

When Chan woke up the next morning, he was alone in his bed. At first he thought everything had been a dream, but when he dropped back onto the pillow, he smelled a hint of ginger. That in turn sparked a smile and he buried his nose in the fabric.

Matthew, Matthew, Matthew.

How could a person be so warm?

He peered over to his bedside table and saw a folded note. He blinked in surprise and took it.

_Good morning, my daisy,_

_You slept so peacefully, that's why I didn't want to wake you up. I also have to sneak back now without my parents noticing. Otherwise there’ll be real trouble ..._

_I found it very nice with you. Did you know that you start pouting when you sleep?_

_Anyway, see you later in school after you (hopefully) had a good rest._

_Matt_

Chan's heart failed almost several times. He absorbed every single word. "Wow, it really happened," he muttered, dropping onto the mattress again. It was half past eight, so he still had plenty of time to get ready and dream a little.

Even though yesterday evening had gotten quite heated, Matthew had acted surprisingly gently when they went to bed together. He had been lying on the covers and had not taken off his clothes. Chan had also offered to sleep under the blanket with him, but Matthew would have felt like an intruder into privacy.

Still, he had hugged Chan and stroked his curly hair until the younger one had finally fallen asleep. A real miracle, because it usually took Chan longer to calm down.

Matthew had been humming softly or whispering something into his ear every now and then. But Chan could not remember what. However, he remembered this incredibly warm feeling.

Matthew had gone no further than holding him in his arms. He had not even talked about what had happened before.

"The greatest gentleman of the 21st century," Chan whispered and finally stood up to get ready. He was suddenly quite excited to see Matthew at school again, although they had seen each other a few hours ago.

He quickly changed, brushed his teeth and swallowed his pills. The rest was then stowed in his pocket. He dashed down and got some food from the kitchen. No one was home now because his parents were working, Lucas was in daycare and Hannah was in kindergarten. So he locked the door twice and then cycled to school.

Suddenly he felt strangely light. Yesterday had been really shit until Matthew had appeared. A big grin settled on his face as he looked up at the sky over which a few clouds were passing.

He had the next double lesson with Matthew. Minho would sit between them, but he still met the older outside of the classroom.

"Hey, you look exceptionally well rested," Matthew acknowledged with a smile.

“Yes. Hugging you is like drinking tea,” Chan replied sheepishly.

Then Matthew laughed. "Is this an indirect invitation to come over more often?"

Before Chan could answer, Minho showed up and greeted Matthew as usual. It was a complicated handcheck where the fingers of the two seemed to be dancing. Minho had insisted that Matthew had to learn a tricky handcheck because the younger himself was a big fan of finger tutting.

"So, shall we?" Minho asked after having hugged Chan.

During class, Chan kept glancing at Matthew, smiling shyly when the other noticed, and watched the lesson with half the attention.

In the second big break, however, he had to go to the school boardroom because there was going to be a special session about the martial arts group today and he had to prepare a few documents.

Before Matthew could leave the room, Minho held his arm. "What's going on with the both of you?"

"What should be going on?"

"Chan looks at you all the time."

The two went to the schoolyard, where the rest of their friends were waiting for them.

"Tell me, what did you do?" Minho asked.

Matthew shrugged. "So maybe I snuck out in the evening and almost broke through the window of Chan’s room." At Minho's startled expression, he laughed again. "And maybe I stayed with him overnight."

"Holy shit, you're both still virgins, aren't you?"

"Minho!" Matthew slapped his best friend on the chest. Nevertheless, he could not help but to laugh more, though with a hint of embarrassment.

Minho grinned broadly and put his arm around Matthew. "How did you come up with that?"

“I don't know. We texted each other and somehow it happened," Matthew said, "And well, you told me I should do more."

"Yes, but I wouldn't have thought of that in my life!", Minho replied and patted Matthew on the back, "I’m proud of you. As I’ve already said: Let Chan lick some blood and he won't get enough of you.”

Now Matthew rolled his eyes. "It doesn't mean that he returns my feelings."

"Whatever, everyone is going crazy about you within a mile," Minho said.

Matthew snorted heavily and raised his eyebrow. “But Chan isn't everyone, okay? Chan is ... perfect.” In an imperfect way. Matthew did not know why, but he was absolutely fond of his whole being.

No matter what Chan did, it simply put him under a somehow magical spell.

* * *

Unfortunately, Chan did not have any more classes with Matthew for today, but they could at least spend the lunch break together.

All of the members of Stray Kids were sitting at a table in the canteen. The mood had been seeming more relaxed since Changbin and Chan got along again. Of course the atmosphere was still a bit uneasy, but at least they could all talk to each other again.

There were no great incidents during lunch, so Chan was reasonably motivated to attend psychology classes.

Then the special meeting of the school council took place.

"You all know the problem," Chan said, "so please suggest solutions."

"We could perhaps impose penalties on the martial arts group," Mark said.

Chan sighed. “I doubt that this would help. I don't want to be at war with Soori.”

Junhyeok answered. "Then we go the other way."

Everyone looked at him in confusion.

"Let's offer them a reward instead."

Chan rolled his eyes. They had already gone through this before Junhyeok had come to the school board. And after Chan had thought about it, he himself decided that it would not work. “It should be a matter of course to clean up. We will definitely not reward them for doing their duty.”

Junhyeok raised a hand. "Let me finish."

This gesture alone triggered Chan. He was still the head boy and not Junhyeok!

“The martial arts group has been doing a lot for this school for years. If we give them privileges, they’ll feel more valued and more responsible. They may then do the cleaning up.”

The suggestion did not sound too stupid, so Chan leaned forward with interest. “Keep talking."

“The cooking club always makes way too much food. In addition, the members are a fan of distributing everything and getting good criticism,” Junhyeok explained, “If they cook something for the martial arts group, it will definitely convince them.”

The school board began to mutter until Chan asked for silence. "We'll vote on it."

And everyone was in favor. It was caustic how well Junhyeok did his job.

The session ended after another ten minutes and the students went home.

Junhyeok, however, stopped Chan.

“What do you want from me?"

"You could stop being so rude to me."

Chan snorted and turned so that his bag almost hit Junhyeok. “Do you have a problem with that? Jun, you stole the cash box and harassed me at school. You can be glad that I even let you sit on the school board! ”, he snapped, “You’re a huge nuisance, so don't pretend you're somehow the king. I'm still the one who's in charge, so you'd better shut up.”

Junhyeok said nothing, but only because he was focused on the students running past Chan. They started whispering, causing Chan to freeze on the spot. He swallowed hard and did not even dare to look back.

"I've never seen Chan so aggressive."

"Something’s wrong with him."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Now he had disgraced himself. Again. Wow, the streak of bad luck just did not want to break.

"Listen," he said now in a lowered voice, "you no longer speak to me outside of the sessions. If you get closer than two yards, I'll break your neck.” With that he turned away and left the school building.

* * *

Chan's mother took on a longer shift today, so Chan had invited Felix to help him take care of the children. Hannah loved Felix like a second big brother and could not wait to go through her toy box with him.

Meanwhile, Chan held Lucas, who had fallen asleep. Very practical, because Chan was able to continue reading his book for Chinese.

The living room was peaceful, but he could not really concentrate. The Junhyeok scenario kept popping up in his mind, and he wondered why the other did not stop bothering him.

It was definitely that Omega smell. It only brought him trouble. Otherwise Junhyeok would not be so keen on him.

There was a slight stab in Chan's side when he thought that Matthew might just like him because of it as well. It was blatant how far the two of them had gone yesterday. But when Chan remembered it, he realized how dangerous the situation had been. He had almost shown Matthew his tattoo. How did he suspect that Chan already had one? After all, hormones could already be released before.

Maybe he had not even known it and only speculated, but with Chan's confirmation it was no longer a puzzle that the secondary gender was already visible.

As much as Chan wished to be back in Matthew's arms, everything in him resisted. He genuinely liked Matthew. He was probably on the verge of seriously falling in love. However, he did not have the assurance that Matthew actually liked him .

Chan knew that Matthew's parents were a little conservative - they certainly expected that Matthew would eventually bring an Omega as a partner. And Chan could meet that requirement.

Problem was: He did not want to.

He did not want to be constantly defined by his status because he had been struggling with it all the time; it really got on his nerves. It was enough for him that he repeatedly and unintentionally reduced himself to it and made his reputation dependent on it. All the rumors at school had also confirmed that he would lose his esteem if it came out that he was an Omega.

"You know, Chan," Felix began, _"We miss you. But we do respect your opinion.”_

Chan put the book aside and wrapped both arms around Lucas. _"Why are you coming up with this right now?_ I mean, you guys are doing fine without me.”

"It's still not the same," Felix murmured, letting a horse gallop across the carpet as Hannah made her fairy princess dance. "At first everyone was extremely frustrated, but Hyunjin explained to us how you probably feel about it. _It's not easy, isn't it?”_

Chan cradled Lucas and pressed his lips together in a thin line. _“It's never easy._ But I chose to be head boy and to found the swimming team. I have to take responsibility.”

"And the whole ABO-thing doesn't bother you?"

Chan did not want to answer that. Not in front of Hannah, who was playing so peacefully. It was a far too deep and difficult topic. Definitely not suitable for a conversation on a comfortable late afternoon. “Other people deal with it too. I’ll probably survive it.” Although he was still uncertain about how to proceed. He could not keep it as a secret forever. At some point people would wonder what was wrong with him and most of all they expected to be able to see his Alpha symbol somewhere.

Afterwards, the two talked about simple topics, as Felix noticed how uncomfortable Chan was getting during the conversation. So he talked about what was going on at home with his siblings Rachel and Olivia, complained about all the homework or talked about the parkour run, which he missed a lot.

“I want to go out sometime in the evening and just explore the city. It looks so different as soon as it is dark," he enthused and smiled a little dreamily, "Imagine that. We roam the streets and climb all the houses.”

"Before we break all our bones," Chan interrupted the illusion, "This is far too dangerous. We'll definitely get into trouble if we do something like that.”

"That's why we would choose the night. It would protect us.”

Chan smiled. Felix was an avid gamer and played all sorts of games. So-called RPGs sometimes distorted his perception of reality and made him see the world in one exciting adventure. If Chan had not been there, he would surely have died long ago. Admittedly, his childish joy was extremely cute.

Felix stayed for dinner and was driven home by Chan’s mother because she did not want him to go home so late.

Chan used the evening to produce some music. He had made some progress with the lyrics. He had even started the instrumental track, to which he now nodded his head. The beat had something sluggish, heavy, almost melancholic. He really liked it. Later, he might be able to send the first demo to Changbin (though he would kill him for being awake at this hour to produce something).

Suddenly he heard the message tone on his cell phone. Matthew had texted him again:

**Matt**

Are you still awake?

_23:02_

**You**

Obv

_23:02_

**Matt**

Don’t you want to sleep?

_23:03_

**You**

It's not that late yet ╮(─▽─)╭

_23:05_

Chan was touched by the fact that the other was apparently worried and asked if he was resting enough. At the same time, he could not get rid of the clammy feeling which was getting worse.

Matthew enchanted him easily and made him weak - it was terribly beautiful. Chan's heart could hardly handle the situation. At the same time, he could not get over how dangerous it was to approach an Alpha in this way.

**Matt**

Do I have to put you back in bed?

_23:07_

**You**

I don't think it's a good idea to sneak out again

_23:10_

Matthew called him a few minutes later so Chan stopped the music. He was very surprised that the older boy wanted to talk. Chan did not phone often because he preferred to speak directly to people. Chatting was more practical when it was about small issues.

"I'd like to sneak out," Matthew said in direct response to their chat conversation.

Chan could not help but smile. He had to admit that he genuinely wanted to see Matthew, who would stand under his window, again. The fact that the other person would ride a bike for half an hour to see him was flattering.

"But my parents noticed that I was gone last night. And ... they noticed your smell.”

"Oh," Chan said, "what did you say?"

Matthew sighed heavily. "They don't know that it’s yours and said that I should introduce you." You could hear the embarrassment in his voice. "I tried to fend them off, but the fact that I had to shower for half an hour to stop smelling like you didn't really help."

Chan blushed and stared at the screen. Had the parents noticed that it was an Omega smell? Actually, they probably had. Damn. Maybe Chan should finally address the topic directly, but he was just a little scaredy.

Matthew's parents were always busy. Similar to Chan's parents, they worked a lot, but unfortunately they did not have that much income. So it was uncomfortable for Matthew to invite someone over because it was - quote - "narrow and shitty". Only Minho was allowed to go in and out how he liked to, but that was to be expected. Matthew's family was not really poor, but was short on cash. That was a crucial factor in why Matthew was good with money. At the same time, this was one of the reasons why Chan never wanted to be invited by him (the Bubbletea had really been an exception).

“And I thought that you could just show up in a suit to get to know my parents while eating dinner. As an official meeting,” Matthew mocked. 

"Yeah, probably,” Chan giggled. 

Matthew had a weird humour, and Chan loved it. 

They talked about trivial topics for a while. So Chan did not dare to mention the pheromones and certainly not the fact that the two of them had nearly lost control completely yesterday.

Matthew was also silent about the matter too.

At some point Matthew wanted to hang up because it was bedtime. "But you're going to sleep now too, okay?" he admonished.

Chan laughed. “For sure."

But in bed he was thinking about Matthew for a long time.

  
  



	19. "There is no such thing like THE perfect solution."

“Your hormone balance is great. Lively as it should be.” Doctor Lim put the pen down and looked at Chan closely. "Do you notice anything like mood swings?"

Chan pondered about the question. "Sometimes I do, yes. Not often, but if it does happen in kind of a strong way from time to time.”

Doctor Lim nodded. “Yes, it’s not unusual. This phase is full of confusion and reorientation, so you may be doing unusual things. I mean, things which are unusual for you.”

“For example?"

“Oh, it could be anything. Suddenly you like to eat things you didn't like before, or you try a new style of clothing - just because you feel like it.” She tapped her chin. “Well, it’s different for every person. Let's see when you’ll have your first period.”

Chan's eyes widened. “P-Period? But ... I can't get pregnant."

Then Doctor Lim laughed. “Of course you can't, you’re male after all. The term actually stands primarily for 'emotional down' in the month. It doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with bleeding - we use the term universally.”

Chan exhaled in relief.

“You’ll feel dull, unmotivated and possibly depressed. Don’t let this unsettle you. That’s completely normal for us Omegas. ”

Great. This added nicely to Chan’s great mood these days.

“Other questions?"

Chan hesitated and exhaled audibly. "I ... what happens if an Alpha and an Omega spend a lot of time together?"

The doctor blinked in confusion. "You have to formulate the question more specifically."

Chan closed his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, what kind of reactions can be triggered when you're exposed to pheromones for a longer period of time?"

"Ahhh," Doctor Lim said, "So basically it can be said that an Omega is not keen on every Alpha smell and vice versa."

Chan had noticed that at Junhyeok.

"But if you find a smell attractive and you are exposed to it for a long time, you can quickly become 'dizzy'. But you should actually know that from school. ”

Absolutely right. The only thing which disturbed Chan about the whole situation was that it was so difficult to estimate how long he could stay close to Matthew without going nuts. Matthew was still a friend. It would suck to constantly avoid him now.

"If you’re exposed to ‘attractive’ pheromones for a longer amount of time, the inhibition barrier also drops. You almost get drunk. But,” she raised her finger, “That isn’t always the case. There are always several factors involved in how you react. When you're busy and calm, you can keep control. You don’t feel the need to … you know, have sexual intercourse.” Now she smiled. “Why do you ask? Do you have an eye on someone?”

“Isn't that question too private?”

"You’re right," Doctor Lim replied and sighed, "So if you don't need anything anymore, we would be done."

Regular examinations were recommendations, but not an obligation. Nevertheless, Chan accepted the offer, after all everything was paid by his health insurance. And he felt at least a little bit better by getting help. Of course, Doctor Lim was not a psychologist. However, it helped to discuss certain topics with her. Like this he did not feel completely helpless.

Chan used Thursday afternoon to go for a walk with Berry. It was crazy how quickly time passed. He felt all the more deaf because he just lived every day without really living. In the morning he woke up feeling empty and in the evening he went to sleep just as empty. There were only a few happy moments in the meantime, but unfortunately they could not comfort him for a longer span of time.

At least he was getting along with Junhyeok halfway. The plan with the cooking club had worked out wonderfully, which is why he did not have to worry about the martial arts group anymore.

Changbin and he talked to each other normally again, even if they sometimes stalled because they avoided certain topics. Chan was infinitely sorry to keep his issues a secret from him, but he was not ready to talk about it yet. He would like to, but his subconscious strictly said, "no".

Strangely, he was much more likely to talk to Matthew about it. But that was another starting point. Matthew was an Alpha, after all, and had clearly smelled Chan. Would it not be a little ridiculous not to talk about it, although it was pretty obvious?

But ... why did Matthew not speak to him directly?

In the park, Chan saw daisies and inevitably remembered that the elder had called him like this plant. It made his heart race.

"Oh man ... you can't seriously fall in love," he muttered to himself, letting Berry off the leash.

How he would love to be a dog and to go crazy with this kind freedom on the meadow, without worries, without guilt, without fear.

Chan stood thoughtfully in front of the kiosk and wondered what to take. He could certainly buy a Dan-Chan, but he already thought enough of Matthew. He did not have to consume extra things which were directly related to this person.

The fact that Junhyeok was on the school board actually made things easier for him. He could even do something different during the breaks than organisational matters. Junhyeok also gladly took over discussions and meetings. He was a good vice.

Matthew would still be better since Chan was much more comfortable with him.

"Hey, you've been standing here for five minutes," he was greeted from the side. 

"How nice that you are watching me so closely," Chan answered. He immediately smelled the seducing smell of ginger and took a deep breath. At least he had taken his pills, so talking to Matthew should be fine.

"Always." Matthew bought a bun and bit into it. "Not a Dan-chan?"

Chan shook his head and ended up choosing a muffin. “Not today." He smiled weakly.

Matthew and he crossed the auditorium to approach their group of friends. Sometimes taking a break with friends in peace was really nice. Another advantage of having a vice.

Chan was immediately pulled out of his thought bubble when Matthew clasped his fingers. "Chan?"

He turned slightly red. “Hm?"

"I wanted to ask if we want to do something again this weekend."

Chan smiled weakly. “Is this going to be a kind of weekly ritual? ”

"So personally I would want to see you much more often."

Stop. That was not good. Matthew did very confusing things with Chan's heart. That was hardly endurable.

"I have to take care of Hannah and Lucas," Chan explained, "my parents want to do something on their own on Saturday." Which he fully supported. After all, they had a good marriage and it did not come from nothing. He really wanted them to take time and have a break. So he did not mind staying at home and looking after his siblings for a few hours.

“That’s no problem. I owe Hannah another meeting anyway. ”

They had arrived at the others, which is why Chan broke away from Matthew's hand and sat down next to Changbin. "I'll thinking about it."

"What will you think about?" Jisung croaked curiously.

"You don't have to know everything," Chan said, amused and ate his muffin.

He wanted to see Matthew. He really wanted that. At the same time, however, he could not turn off all these disturbing thoughts. It was terrible to imagine that Chan could end up falling into his “Omega role”.

Matthew liked tradition and wanted to find the perfect Omega. Chan was definitely not this kind of person. So he did not understand why the other showed interest. He ruled out that he interpreted too much into it because he was 99.9 percent sure that he was being flirted with.

Whatever, think less, live more.

Therefore, he devoted himself to the conversation of his friends.

"But Seungminnie," Hyunjin wailed, "If you don't help me with the subject, I'll drop off completely.”

"Then you should swim less and learn more," Seungmin replied mercilessly.

“You go to baseball too. How do you manage to balance that out? ”Hyunjin murmured desperately.

“It’s called time management. Ask Chan Hyung. He knows what I'm talking about.”

Chan then looked at. He waved awkwardly. "At the moment I'm reducing everything a bit anyway ... Always find middle ground and don't pressure yourself too much."

Everyone looked at each other irritated.

"Wow, hearing that from Chan is really … surprising," Hyunjin said perplexed.

“What else should I say? Work yourself to death?” Chan claimed with a somewhat sharper tone, “Sometimes you have to accept that not everything works perfectly. There is no such thing like THE perfect solution, and certainly a perfect person cannot exist as well!”

Hyunjin blinked several times. “I-I just wanted to improve my grades a bit. I'm sorry,” he squeaked, bowing his head to stare back into his novel which he was holding.

A little shocked by himself, Chan stared at him and sighed loudly before he touched his forehead. “No, that’s ... I didn't want to be so harsh. I'm really sorry.”

Hyunjin smiled at him placably. "It’s fine."

"Ah, by the way," Changbin remembered, "you said you wanted to go over a few tracks with Jisung and me today."

Chan nodded. "I have my laptop with me so we could do it after school."

Jisung sighed loudly. "Man, I have baseball on Fridays."

"Doesn't matter," Changbin replied, "We could just come to the training and wait for you to finish."

"Couldn't we actually do something within the whole group?" Hyunjin asked. Their last big meeting had been a while ago already.

"I can't, I have to help my mom at around 2:00 pm," Matthew recalled.

“Oh right." Hyunjin sighed heavily. “We should really set up a general timetable. It's really complicated to want to meet with all of you.”

"If you make the plan," Jeongin teased, "I wouldn't have a problem with it."

An annoyed sound escaped Hyunjin’s mouth.

After school, everyone stayed there except for Matthew. The baseball training was always relatively exciting to watch. At least for Chan, because he was also enthusiastic about ball sports.

Nevertheless, he was working on his laptop, busy with mixing the tracks.

"Is holding hands an insider of Matt and you?" Changbin asked suddenly.

Chan winced slightly. "I wouldn't say insider ... I don't know, we somehow got used to it."

"So you met often?"

Chan looked up. Hyunjin, Felix and Minho were talking energetically, so he was able to continue the conversation with Changbin in peace.

“Yeah, kinda.”

Changbin wiggled his eyebrows.

"Hey, you are the one who said I was into Junhyeok," Chan grumbled and went back to his music.

Changbin looked at him, somewhat guilty and embarrassed, smiling. “Well, somehow you both have a bit of tension. I prefer Matthew as an option tho.”

"In any case, you have nothing to decide."

Changbin giggled and looked over Chan's shoulder to see what he was doing. "But as your best friend, I have the right to express my opinion. In the interests of your wellbeing.”

Chan leaned against Changbin, watching Seungmin who was running across the field. "Well then, express your highly respected opinion."

Changbin cleared his throat quietly and sat up a little more straight. "So I think you should go out with Matt."

Chan almost choked on the air because he inhaled so hard that his lungs did not want to work anymore. He would not have expected  _ such  _ a direct answer. “Matt and I have known each other longer than you and I have known each other. That ... no, just no.” He ruffled his own hair.  _ “You just do not fuck around with your friends."  _ He knew that Changbin might not understand him because he had spoken in English, but it was more about saying that to himself.

"Yes, it's awesome when the plant of love sprouts from the pot of friendship."

Chan looked at him resignedly. "Wow, I can tell that you are the romantic of 3Racha."

Changbin acknowledged that with a smile. “Correct. That's why my opinion is very important. You know, it’s like a law.”

Chan could only make an indefinable sound based on that statement. Instead of verbally messing with Changbin, he cheered on his friends and meanwhile went through the conversation internally again.

Actually, it was not that wrong. Matthew was a good friend, but not as close as Changbin or Felix (who had the cousin bonus). But that was exactly the complexity of the matter. To date Changbin would be unimaginable because he needed him too much as a best friend. But he could imagine it with Matthew. Too well. And that was bad. Or totally great.

He did not quite know that.

Chan was lying on his bed thinking. He had been doing this a lot lately. Not because he had nothing else to do, but because he had realized how little time he had previously invested in this activity. And what was going on in his head was sometimes fascinating, sometimes troubling and sometimes completely irrelevant.

Earlier, when he showed Jisung and Changbin the first recordings of his song - he had finally christened it "42" last night - their jaws had dropped.

There had been silence for a long time before Jisung said, "Fuck, do you need a hug?"

Chan picked up his notebook and read the lyrics. He had written them intuively and had not given much thought to how poetic they sounded. But the text was rough and above all honest. Maybe that was why he had frightened his friends a bit.

But what was the problem? They were artists and artists distort everything a little bit. Chan wrote the lyrics with the intention of creating a black hole which could suck you in. He really had not thought that it was a little worrying.

He looked thoughtfully at the paper. And if so? What if he was really just in a mess of despair and was so numbed by it that he did not even realize it? Somewhere he felt numb and dull after all the weeks full of secrecy, speculation and disappointment.

"This can't be my new life," he muttered to himself, rolling back and forth on the mattress. It was quite late, but nobody bothered about that at the weekend.

He remembered that he still had not given Matthew the final answer, but he also found it rude to call him at this time. And writing to him was too impersonal.

A whole day alone with Matthew. Well. Not all alone. If Chan swallowed his pills, it would be okay. Even if it smelled like ginger all the time. Could he take it? If necessary, he could also put a clip on his nose or put on a protective mask.

Those thoughts alone were ridiculous.

There was a soft knock on his door. His mother. She probably wanted to say good night to him.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked instead, closing the door behind her.

Chan shrugged. “About this and that… ”

She sat on the bed with him and stroked his head. "I was thinking that you could invite someone tomorrow. Changbin for example. Your father and I will be out and about until late at night. Someone can also stay overnight.”

The house was big, after all, and even when Chan was no longer a small child, he sometimes felt a little queasy when he sneaked through the stairwell in the evenings, having half a heart attack with every creaking which was heard.

"Changbin’s going to do something with Hyunjin," Chan replied.

"Oh, but Changbin isn’t your only friend," his mother replied.

Chan, embarrassed, played with his bed sheet and puffed his cheeks. "Well, Matt wanted to do something."

"Then invite him." She paused. "Wait a minute, Jinseoks's an Alpha, isn't he?"

Chan cleared his throat. “So, first of all: You’re still supposed to call him Matt. And secondly: yes. So?"

She frowned. "I don't know if it's a good idea that you're here all day alone." Wow, even she shared that thought. “And about the name: I like Jinseok.” She smiled lightly. 

His mother's reaction made him think. After all, it was still Matthew. Chan did not want to be reduced to his second gender. Maybe he should learn to not do it with others as well. It was a little scary to be alone with Matthew for so long, but he had mastered all sorts of challenges.

So he set his decision. "It's still Matt, Ma." He smiled. “We’ve been knowing each other since kindergarten.  _ We'll be fine.” _

Then his mother smiled slightly. “You’re right. He can come over.” She wished him good night and then left the room.

Chan stared at the closed door. "Oh man, what have I done?" he said to himself and dropped back onto the bed. But he could not really regret it. As already mentioned: He wanted to see Matthew.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. What would it look like if they were born in another world? Would he and Matthew have not gotten together long ago? After all, Chan would not have to switch to the “frightened rabbit mode”.

Slowly he reached for his cell phone and called Matthew. The other picked up after five rings.

"Hey, what’s the news?" Matthew asked. He was breathing a little harder. Maybe he had just been doing sports? Even if the time for that would be a bit strange.

"Did I wake you up?" Chan asked the first question.

“No. I couldn't sleep,” Matthew said," that's why I'm jogging right now."

Oh, Matthew was outside?

"I see," Chan replied, twirling one of his curls nervously. He took a deep breath and then moved on to talk further, "About your offer ..."

“Hm?"

"So if you still want to come, I'd be cool with it."

“Really?" It was heartwarming how obviously you could hear the smile in Matthew's voice. “Great. When are your parents out of the house?”

“In the morning or early noon. Something like that.”

"Then I'll be there at eleven o'clock, okay?"

The deal was set. Despite all the excitement, Chan could not help but smile and pressed the phone onto his chest.

He found it astonishing that the other was not gradually becoming impatient and had not left him long ago. No, he was still acting with patience and understanding.

Chan now grinned up at the ceiling like an idiot in love.

Matthew was indeed exceptional.


	20. "Begone, evil dragon!"

"When's Matt here? When's Matt here?” Hannah asked for the fifth time.

Chan was still patient and answered with the same time indication each time.

His mother was getting ready while his father was still handling the camera.

"What's the plan, dad?" Chan asked.

"Oh, I wanted to take your mother to the park and look at all the newly planted flowers in the garden with her! And I thought it would be nice to photograph her in front of it,” he replied, but did not look up since he was still going through the settings.

Chan smiled at the answer. That sounded like a promising day.

"Then we go to the cinema and have dinner in the evening. There's a great bar too, so it would be great if you put Lucas and Hannah in bed before we get back.”

"For sure."

Somebody cleared their throat behind them.

They both turned and saw Chan’s mother in a simple but flattering dress.

"So I would be ready then," she said with a smile. She held Lucas in her arms, but she handed him over to Chan.

"You look gorgeous," her husband commented, pulling her toward him with one arm before kising her on the mouth.

Other children would normally grimace or complain, but Chan found the sight beautiful. He liked that his parents stayed young and fresh in their love. That gave him the belief that there was such a thing as eternal love.

"When is Jinseok going to be here?" his mother asked.

Before Chan could answer, the doorbell rang.

"I'm opening up!" Hannah called and started to run when Chan stopped her.

"Slow down, angel. Otherwise you'll break your precious wings if you fly too fast.” He smiled and walked past his sulking sister. Then he opened the door where a smiling Matthew stood in front of him.

His outfit was simple - a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt - but he looked so good in it. It was almost unfair.

"Jinseok, hello," Chan's mother greeted from behind, "Thank you for helping Chan with babysitting."

"No problem," Matthew replied and indicated a little bow, "I'm happy about being able to help somehow."

“That's very nice. Can we go?” She turned to her husband, who also seemed ready to leave.

The two said goodbye to their children with smackers here, cuddling sessions there and even more smackers.

Chan's father had free time on one Saturday a month and they usually spent it as a family, but every now and then the parents allowed themselves to go out on a weekend. They still had Sundays left for their kids.

"Come on, let's go into the living room," Chan suggested, nodding in the corresponding direction.

Matthew kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket before following him.

Hannah was suddenly shy and clung to Chan, glimpsing at Matthew from time to time.

Once in the living room, Chan put Lucas down on the play mat and sat on the couch. Then he reached for his book, which he had to finish for Chinese.

Hannah, however, crouched in her play area and sorted the ornaments in her doll's house. Sometimes she wanted to play alone first. She always took the initiative when Chan should join. She was a little perfectionist - that was why she always sorted everything out before asking anyone to play with her.

Therefore, Chan wanted to use the time.

Matthew crouched next to him and watched Lucas, who played with blocks and put some of them into his mouth.

Chan had only twenty pages left and was happy to finish the book finally. Deadline was on Tuesday and he had to do some additional homework.

Matthew was calm in the meantime. It did not seem to bother him that Chan wanted to do his duties. Instead, he took care of the little ones.

Chan tried to concentrate as much as possible, but the smell of ginger kept luring him. He wanted to lean over to Matthew, but suppressed the urge.

“Chan? I want to play."

“Okay, angel." Chan put the book down. "Are you watching so that Lucas doesn't mess around?"

“Sure." So Matthew sat on the mat and held out various toys to Lucas.

Chan looked at the inside of the dollhouse and was genuinely amazed. Everything was neatly sorted and delightfully decorated.

He took a doll and smoothed her hair. "Do you already have a name for yours?"

Instead of reacting Hannah looked over to Matthew, who had Lucas on his lap.

“Yeah, look. Do you want to play with the ball?” he asked and cradled the child in his arms.

Chan grew weak at the sight. “Hey Hannah. Don't you want to play with Matthew?”

"Huh?" She was embarrassed.

"We could go into the garden." Chan then asked Matthew, "Hey, should we go outside? The weather’s nice."

Matthew smiled. “Yeah, why not?"

So they went outside and took a picnic blanket for Lucas to play on. He never moved around much when he had his toys there, preferring to sit on the blanket and spending hours on it. If he wanted to crawl around, it was not a problem in the garden, as everything was well fenced and childproof.

Berry was also pleased that they were in the garden. Later she would get out anyway. She was used to the fact that the garden was taboo for any businesses.

"We could play that you're the princess," Chan suggested, putting a hand on Matthew's shoulder, "And you're the prince."

Matthew snorted. “And what are you? The evil dragon?”

“Good idea." Chan growled. "Fear me!" He pulled away from him and picked Hannah up. "I'm kidnapping the princess now!" He ran away with her in his arms and Hannah laughed out loud. “No, Hannah, you have to scream! You're afraid.”

“Oh right." The little girl started screaming. Hopefully the neighbours would not call the police.

Chan put his sister in the wooden house their father had built for the children and pretended to lock the door.

"Prince Matthew, help me!" Hannah called. Apparently she had gotten into her role.

Matthew was still chuckling, pointing to Chan with an imaginary sword. “Begone, evil dragon!”

The two dueled until Matthew Chan pinned onto the meadow. He held Chan’s wrists and leaned over him.

Chan's face was red from the battle and his breath was irregular. With fluttering eyelids, he looked up at Matthew and smiled weakly. "Oh man, you really keep me busy."

Matthew looked at his soft face a little longer until Chan said, "Aren't you going to give me the death blow?"

"Oh yeah, forgot about that." Matthew slashed Chan's throat with a "knife", whereupon the younger died miserably on the floor with way too much drama.

Matthew then freed Princess Hannah, who thankfully fell into his arms. He raised the girl on his strong arms and turned around to face Chan. “That was funny."

“Indeed." Chan looked at his cell phone. “Are you hungry? It's lunchtime."

“A little bit. How about you, Hannah?”

The girl had put her arms around Matthew and nodded. "Yes, I want pizza!"

"Shall we order?" Matthew asked.

"I think we have all the ingredients in the kitchen. If you don't mind, we can cook together,” Chan suggested, lifting Lucas on his arm.

The two boys entered the house again.

Lucas had gotten a little tired from all the playing, so Chan could easily put him in his high chair. He pushed it into the kitchen and gave him a small cube to spin and play with.

“Hannah, do you want to watch TV until we're done?,” Chan questioned.

Hannah nodded, whereupon Matthew dropped her. She ran to the TV and sat on the couch before switching to her favorite channel.

Chan meanwhile searched for a recipe from the Internet and then gathered all the ingredients. He threw an apron at Matthew and then put on one himself.

After he was done, he turned to Matthew and held out his arms before announcing,  _ "Welcome to Chan's kitchen!” _

Matthew giggled and read the recipe.

The two made a little chaos because they worked a bit uncoordinated, not sure who should do what. But they still had a lot of fun and talked about everything and nothing.

"Chan," Matthew said suddenly before pausing. He had just wanted to roll out the dough.

Chan stirred the tomato sauce in a bowl and was so absorbed in the action that he did not even look up. “Hm?"

“Is Junhyeok a good vice? ”

Chan stopped and looked at Matthew. By the way, he looked far too attractive in this apron. Somewhere, Chan wished he could always cook like that with him.

“Um yes ... yes, I think so. I don't know, I've never had another vice before.” Chan put the bowl on the counter and wiped his hands on his apron. “He’s always on time and does his duties. It’s a relief. Why are you asking?"

Matthew almost smiled wistfully. "Well, I was just thinking about what Changbin said. And you two are now working much closer together.”

Chan blushed slightly. Was Matthew jealous? He played on his apron. “Changbin was joking. He did not mean it like that. I'm not in love with Jun.”

Matthew hummed thoughtfully and rolled out the dough.

Chan did not know what exactly came over him, but he stepped behind the older one and wrapped his arms around his torso before burying his face into his shoulder. “Jun’s really just kind of a business partner. And by the way, not my type at all.” Chan breathed in the scent of warm ginger. God, he could never get enough of it.

“Not your type? You have a type?” Matthew laughed and his back vibrated pleasantly on Chan's cheek. "What kind of type?"

“Hmm ... someone who’s musical. Who’s attentive and kind and sweet to me. And well, maybe he helps his mother a lot and likes to work out.” Chan's ears burned with embarrassment. He was seriously flirting with Matthew. The only question was: What the heck was he thinking? That could not be only the pheromones’ fault.

"Oh," Matthew escaped, "So that's it." Chan could not see it, but he grinned. "I have to say that I'm getting jealous of that guy."

Chan slapped his neck teasingly. “You idiot. I was saying that ... ”

Matthew turned and grabbed Chan's waist to pull him closer. “Yeah?" He came very close with his face and looked directly into the eyes of his counterpart.

Chan cleared his throat and stroked Matthew's chest as he searched for the right words. However, he did not have to answer because he heard footsteps. The next moment Hannah was standing in the door frame.

“What are you doing?"

Chan quickly broke away from Matthew and smoothed the apron. The situation also seemed somewhat uncomfortable to the other.

Hannah's eyes widened. “You've just wanted to kiss!”

“What? No. Dragons don't kiss princes. They eat them usually,” Chan said.

Matthew laughed out loud. "Then it's probably time for us to finish cooking."

Hannah added the toppings to her pizza, and soon they were able to put the dough in the oven.

They bridged the waiting time with games while listening to music.

Lucas was allowed to sit on his mat again, but also crawled around a bit.

When the oven beeped, Hannah jumped up excitedly and ran into the kitchen. The two boys followed, laughing, Matthew carrying Lucas in his arms. They set the dining table and shared the pizzas with each other. It was loud and happy. In between, Chan kept feeding Lucas small pieces of pizza.

"Wait a minute, don't you have guitar lessons today?" Chan remembered.

Matthew nodded. "Yes, but later my mother is out in the city anyway and brings my guitar. I just thought we could go for a walk and then I would be gone for a while.” He smiled. "If that's okay."

"Yes, of course." Walking was a good idea. Berry was longing for fresh air anyway.

Chan continued to eat happily and eventually realized that Matthew was staring at him. "What?" he asked, chewing.

"Nothing. I just find it fascinating how much you can eat.”

Chan swallowed hard and blushed. "Um, yes, so I ..."

"No, no, you don't have to apologize for that." Amused, Matthew took a bite out of his pizza slice. "I think it's ... cute."

Cute? What should be cute about a huge appetite?

Chan did not ask, he just ate. "Now I need a digestive walk," he said after having finished, but realized that Lucas yawned loudly. He probably just wanted to take a nap. So Chan put him in bed and left the door open so he could hear his brother when he would wake up. He usually slept for about an hour.

Chan returned to the living room where Hannah was painting while sitting at the table. Matthew did the same and talked to her from time to time.

Chan thought it was nice how well they got along with each other. After all, Hannah was an important part of his life and seeing her so happy with one of his friends made him happy too.

"May I play on your phone?" Hannah asked.

Chan pulled it out of his pocket, unlocked it and handed it to her. "Only until Lucas wakes up."

"Okay!"

Hannah crouched on the armchair and was immediately immersed in the game.

Matthew sat next to Chan on the couch and exhaled audibly. "Do you already have any plans for the upcoming vacation?"

Chan shook his head and yawned quietly.

Matthew gently put his hand on the back of Chan's head and pushed him a little so that he could place the younger's head on his shoulder. "Minho had the idea that we could spend the time as a group on a short trip.”

"That sounds cool," Chan murmured, taking a deep breath, noticing Matthew's Alpha smell.

"We could go swimming."

Chan then tensed.

"I know that you don't swim competitively anymore, but you still like it in itself, don't you? I think the idea's good because you could splash around without all the pressure.”

Chan said nothing and drew invisible patterns on Matthew's thigh with his index finger. Actually, he was extremely fond of the idea, but he knew that it was impossible. "Isn't it too cold anyway?" he asked finally.

"There's also something like thermal baths."

Chan sighed heavily and took Matthew's hand. It was almost like a reflex. "I'll think about it, okay?"

Chan did not know when he fell asleep, but as soon as he woke up his head was on Matthew's chest. At the same time, he felt the other's arm loosely around his waist. Matthew had also fallen asleep, but woke up as well when Lucas started yelling from his room.

Chan jumped up immediately and hurried upstairs to get his brother.

Then they dressed to go for a walk. Lucas was strapped to the stroller, Berry was on the leash, and Hannah held Matthew's hand. At some point during the walk, Chan tied the leash around the bracket of the stroller.

"Are you really okay on your own?" Matthew made sure before going any other way.

Chan nodded. "We're just going to the playground nearby."

"Well, see you later." Matthew gave Chan a short hug and jogged so he would not be late.

"When you were sleeping on the couch earlier, you looked like a couple," Hannah commented as they were on their way to the playground.

Chan blushed. "Stop talking nonsense."

Hannah looked for children in the playground to play with. Meanwhile, Chan kept Berry busy by throwing sticks while leaving Lucas in a sandpit with toys, but still keeping a close eye on him.

Matthew joined after an hour. He hugged Chan from behind as he was about to whistle Berry back. He winced in shock, but laughed when he noticed the familiar smell of ginger. It was comforting. Was that perhaps the function of the pheromones? To be able to perceive your partner differently than just with your eyes?

Chan briefly imagined that familiar smell belonged only to him. It would be so easy if he could just tell Matthew what was going on. But would that be right?

Matthew rested his chin on Chan's shoulder and smiled. "Hi."

Chan turned his head slightly towards him. "Hi." He smiled. "Are you often here?"

"Only when I meet cute boys who play with dogs and take care of their little brother."

Chan found it amusing how Matthew inevitably responded to him. It still flushed his pale face. "Well, I hope I won't have to see you flirting here in the future."

"Nonsense." Matthew kissed his cheek and it really felt like they were together.

Were they together?

No. Nobody asked the other. Or ... did you have to? In a friendship, you did not always question, "Do you want to be friends with me?" Maybe in exceptional circumstances, but often it just developed. Could that not also work with romantic relationships?

Matthew, as so often, broke all boundaries and let Chan discover completely new things. It was really crazy that he had known the other for fourteen years and was still surprised.

_ "Berry! Come here!” _

Matthew choked. “Your dog speaks English?!” 

Chan laughed out loud. “You’re so weird, stupid.” 

The dog immediately ran back again.

They walked around the area a bit before deciding to go back to the Bang house.

"So, what now?" Chan asked after providing Berry with food.

Lucas wanted to get back on his mat and played peacefully there, while Hannah was occupied by sorting her Lego bricks (thoroughly a little perfectionist).

"You could play something on the piano for me," Matthew suggested, "It's awesome that you have a piano AND a keyboard."

Chan rubbed his neck in embarrassment. He knew that Matthew was also passionate about the piano. But pianos were expensive, so he could not afford one himself. Maybe that was why he took guitar lessons? After all, you could buy guitars for less money and somehow Matthew had to or wanted to accompany his singing.

"Why don't you play something for me?" he asked, "Usually you don't have the opportunity."

"I can’t even play piano."

Chan waved it off. "We can also just try it together."

Matthew sat next to him. Since the stool was not long enough, he placed Chan's leg over his own. He briefly stroked the inside of his thigh and smiled at him before turning to the keys. Firstly he just watched Chan playing. 

Then the younger one suggested that they should go through some chords. It took a while for Matt to remember the movements, but he seemed to have some talent to adapt to this instrument quicker. 

They kept playing the sequence of chords.

Chan started improvising, humming a tune. At some point he started to sing  _ 'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love. _

Their hands met again and again while playing and it caused a crazy tingling sensation. Chan looked away and concentrated as much as possible on playing.

Once they were done, Hannah clapped enthusiastically. "One more song!" she exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Another time maybe," Chan said, "We'd better have dinner now."

They ate what the mother had prepared. After that Lucas was quite sluggish, which is why Chan just put him on the couch and let him play with a few blocks and balls.

"We could gamble," Chan said.

"And what?"

"We have a Nintendo 64.”

Matthew laughed. "Really cool."

"Yes, I'm not that enthusiastic about gaming. My father bought it when it came out.”

Hannah just wanted to watch, but at least she was allowed to sit on Matthew's lap. If she did not look so happy, Chan would be jealous.

They played Mario Kart until Chan noticed that Lucas had fallen asleep. He let Matthew and Hannah go on while he put his little brother into bed. As soon as he got back down, the two had already finished the round.

"Don't you want to brush your teeth, Hannah?"

The little girl sighed. "Another round!" she pleaded.

So they played another round and after that she actually brushed her teeth.

Chan was just about to put away the coloured pencils when Matthew grabbed his waist and pulled him back. "Matt! What's that about?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to cuddle.”

Chan liked to cuddle, and Matthew smelled pretty tempting. But he had to be reasonable. He remembered the sedatives that Doctor Lim had recommended. He had only got them yesterday. They helped not to be too uncontrolled when perceiving Alpha pheromones. You would still smell it just as strongly, but you could at least keep your head clear. Maybe he should go get them? "The effects of my pills are waning," Chan muttered as Matthew wrapped his arms around him and buried his nose in the crook of his neck.

"I can tell," he said with a pleased sigh and let Chan sit in his lap.

"Matt … ”

"What is it?" Matthew pressed his mouth on his neck. Before he could say anything, Hannah's voice was heard again.

_ "Chris! I'm finished.” _

"I'll be right there, angel," Chan said immediately, "I still have to put her to bed."

Matthew held Chan back. "Let me do it. You still have to finish reading the book.”

"But I-"

"It's okay." Matthew nodded confidently. "I can do it."

Chan did not doubt that either. So he accepted the offer and crouched on the couch before taking his book. He really wanted to finish reading, but his mind was always on Matthew. How he carried Lucas in his arms. How he dealt with Hannah. How he played the piano with his elegant hands and smiled at him.

Chan let out a breath. His heart was beating incredibly fast. Was that falling in love?

He turned the page and scanned the next paragraphs. He could reread them tomorrow if necessary. It was difficult for him to find concentration anyway.

He closed the book and leaned against the couch. 

A few minutes later, Matthew came back. "I understand why you call her angel. She really behaves like that.” He smiled and sat back on the couch with Chan. "We're a good team." He stroked a strand of Chan's curly hair. This movement was so soft and gentle, without pressure and coercion.

Chan nodded and leaned into the ginger scent, placing his head on Matthew's chest and closing his eyes. He did not care that the effect of his pills was going down. Suddenly everything did not matter. Why should he worry if Matthew could hold him protectively?

Chan bit his lower lip. Or was that just his Alpha existence? It was difficult to tell what Matthew and what the Alpha part was. Or did it not just belong together in the end? 

"What are you pondering about, daisy?"

The pet name gave him shivers. "Nothing."

"Whatever it is, you don't have to be afraid that I’ll judge you."

Chan sighed. "I know. Sorry." He sat up, resting his forearm on Matthew's torso so he could see the other better. "I only think that …”

"Yes?"

"It's so crazy. I mean you. I don't know. You're just so …" His lips curled into a hint of a smile. "... Alpha."

Matthew laughed heartily. "Thanks, I guess." He nudged Chan's cheek as he tightened his arm around him. "But I hope that's not the only quality that you appreciate about me."

"Matt, for god's sake. Why should I?"

Matthew cocked his head slightly to the side. "Since I've been verified as Alpha, you've been paying more attention to me. Not that I'm complaining.”

Chan's face went pale. Paler than it already was. What if his Omega spoke out of him? Did he end up falling for the system himself if he got involved with Matthew? Was it all just manipulation? He got dizzy from the creeping thoughts.

"Hey, calm down." Matthew stroked his back. "I really didn't want to blame you."

Chan nodded. "I've always liked you. Otherwise I would never have approached you in kindergarten.”

"It's incredible how much time has passed."

"You've changed insanely."

Matthew leaned forward a little. "But one thing hasn't changed," he breathed.

Chan grew warm. "Yes?", he almost squealed, "What?"

Matthew was about to answer when they heard the door being unlocked. Without talking to each other, they sat apart and reached for the consoles. Immediately, Matthew started a new round of Mario Kart, so they let their characters compete on the racetrack when the parents entered the living room.

"Oh, the children are already asleep!" the mother said, "How nice."

Chan put the console down and turned to face them. "And? Did you have a nice day?"

"It was insanely beautiful," she replied and nodded, "and you? Was it okay to take care of the little ones?”

"It was a lot of fun," Matthew said, "I would like to come over more often."

"Anytime," Chan's mother confirmed with a smile.

They talked a little longer while Chan's father was looking for the children.

"It's already late. I should go home,” Matthew decided.

"Should I drive you?" Chan's mother asked.

Matthew shook his head. "I have my bike and well, it's just darkness. It won’t hurt me."

"Well, since you're such a strong Alpha, I'm not worried either." She winked mischievously before giving a brief but significant look at Chan, who almost sank into the ground.

Chan got up and went into the hallway with Matthew. "I'll come outside with you," he said.

Matthew did not disagree and put on his jacket before stepping over the threshold.

Chan followed him to his bike, his pulse still rising. The moment on the couch did not come out of his head. What would have happened if his parents had not come? What did Matthew want to tell him? He was curious, but at the same time he was afraid to ask.

Matthew got on his bike and gripped both sides of the handlebar. "We should do something more often."

"We've been doing so lately," Chan replied with a laugh.

Matthew chuckled. "I just can't get enough of you."

That silenced the younger. He looked down and reached for the hem of his top. Matthew's eyes almost burned on him.

When Chan could not stand it, he raised his head. "What are you staring at me for?" He laughed nervously and softly. "Am I having something on my face?" he asked playfully.

Matthew looked at him with mild eyes. "Yes, you do. Right there."

And then he kissed Chan.

Just like this.

It was a small but sweet and lovely kiss. Not a bit hasty, but full of patience and understanding.

Chan stood there, frozen in shock, trying to process what had happened.

Matthew giggled. "Sleep well, Channie." And with that he cycled into the darkness without saying another word.

Chan watched him for a long time, even when the other was no longer visible. "You too, Mattie."


	21. "We can't be that typical Alpha-Omega-thing."

Chan was in love.

He was so in fucking love.

His heart contracted at the thought of Matthew. He could hardly concentrate on anything anymore because his head was completely taken over by the other.

Of course. Of course he had fallen in love. After all, it was Kim fucking Matthew. Kindergarten-Matthew, who now looked way too handsome for this world and dear-soft-sweet-Matthew, whom Chan just wanted to kiss.

He was worried all Sunday. In the end, he noticed that yesterday he had barely wasted time by pondering over his Omega dilemma. Matthew did that. He let Chan relax, feel good and understood. It was such a beautiful quality that Chan wanted to start crying. He was almost in despair.

At the same time, he was really scared to go to school tomorrow and face the other.

There were some things he did not understand. For example, why Matthew had kissed him now. After all, he had spoken of wanting to kiss the tattoo first. And now it did not matter?

Chan also did not understand whether it was an Alpha-Omega-thing that he was attracted to Matthew. If so, that would be pretty shitty.

On Monday morning, he wanted to fall straight back to bed. He had a very oppressive feeling. It was like a thundercloud hanging over his head. He also had some stomach cramps. Had he eaten too much yesterday?

Yes, okay, he always ate a lot. But usually he had no complaints about it.

He struggled out of bed anyway and got ready before going downstairs.

"Oh, you don't look good." His mother put a hand on his forehead. "But you don't have a fever either."

"I feel weird," Chan muttered, sighing loudly before sitting down. He started having breakfast, but ended up stopping because he could not take the food.

Now his mother looked at him really worried. "Should we go to the doctor?"

Chan shook his head. It could not be that bad after all. He drank his tea and listlessly pushed the toast back and forth on the plate.

Suddenly his mother's face lit up. “Maybe you have …"

“Yes?" Chan raised an eyebrow.

“... your period.”

Chan dropped the toast he had just wanted to continue eating. “Shit."

That would explain the pain. According to Doctor Lim, these are actually only phantom pains, triggered by all of the complicated and fucked up processes in his brain.

"Do you want to stay home?"

"I can't ... I wanted to submit the application to renovate the gym today," Chan said. He also had to see Matthew and talk to him. "I'm fine."

And with that he went to school.

He was not entirely comfortable. He was not sure what could happen. Maybe he saw the whole thing too dramatically and nothing would happen.

He was still doing very well in economy classes, but during the break he felt the pain again. He still did not want to go home.

"Chan." Momo came up to him.

“Yes?"

She was holding some papers. “The application for renovation ...”

Chan cocked his head to one side.

"You filled out the form incorrectly."

Chan widened his eyes. He immediately accepted the papers. “Like for real?!"

"The address is false, you ticked the wrong box here and you messed up the date."

Chan looked perplexed at the paper. It had never happened to him before. Maybe he should not have filled it in at half past eleven yesterday ...

A few students around them heard the conversation because they were in the auditorium.

Ashamed, Chan lowered his hands with the papers and looked apologetically at Momo. "I’ll definitely correct that."

“Yeah, do that." Momo smiled at him and bowed before leaving.

Chan was about to go to the classroom when Junhyeok came to meet him. “What do you want?"

“Asking you if I could take care of the renovation.”

Chan's eyes narrowed. "Oh, because I made a mistake once?" Junhyeok might be competing with him for the head boy position by trying to prove that he was better suited for it. With the current gossip of the students, unfortunately, that would also be pretty easy.

“Nope, but I know the school building better than anyone. I know where else to renovate. You just thought of the swimming pool.”

Chan blinked several times. “I … this is not ..." 

“Don't quarrel. We both know I'm right."

Chan gritted his teeth. He was very proud, but he was not absolutely stubborn. He knew that it would make more sense to let Junhyeok do the job. So he finally handed him the form.

“I’ll contact you."

"Do whatever you want!" Chan almost snapped at him, which in turn drew attention. He was confused. Usually he did not just have small outbreaks of crisis randomly and Junhyeok knew that too. Therefore, the other looked at him in confusion.

Chan turned away and went to the schoolyard, believing that if he stayed longer in the school building, he would explode. Suddenly he felt very uncomfortable, unsure of what he was doing.

Was that the impact of his period? If so, it was even harder than expected.

He considered going to his friends and made his way to their usual place.

"Chan!"

Chan turned around and spotted Matthew, who was approaching him with a smile.

"Hey, where are the others?"

"Today they are on the sports field … for once."

Chan nodded and was about to go straight to the other side of the school building as Matthew grabbed his wrist. "But I actually came to you to show you another favourite place of mine."

Chan was confused at first until he remembered that the older had mentioned that he had more than just a secret place to himself. In general, he was excited to come with him because he thought he could gradually learn more about Matthew with the help of these places. But he hesitated.

Was it a good idea to be alone with him now?

Maybe, but Chan was a bit jittery about talking to Matthew about what happened on Saturday.

"Come on," Matthew encouraged, now clasping his hand, "you'll love the place."

So Chan let Matthew pull him along. They climbed the back stairwell to the third floor before walking down the usual corridor. Accordingly, Chan was a bit skeptical about what should be so secretive and great here.

Then Matthew opened a door and pulled Chan into another passage.

"Doesn’t it lead to the store or something?"

“You might think that.” Matthew pulled him around the corner until they came to a wide window which one could see the fields next to the school. The view was fantastic and this time it felt like you could immerse yourself in a new world.

"Whoa," Chan escaped in awe.

Matthew gently dragged him to the wooden windowsill, which was wide enough for the two to sit on it.

"How did you find this place?"

"I wanted to do research for a presentation for music. So Ms. Ahn suggested that I should search for books in here." He pointed to the shelves in the half-open room. The window was so enclosed by the walls that you had the feeling of disappearing into nowhere.

They were really completely alone here.

"Most students don't know that you can come here with the permission of the teacher."

"Well, from that point of view we aren’t allowed to be here."

Matthew smiled. "Yes, but no one ever looks for that place." He reached for Chan's hand again and clasped his pale fingers.

Chan looked at their hands and blushed. “Matthew ... I need to talk to you. ”

“Then talk."

Chan exhaled slightly and looked nervously out of the window. Where should he start? Just with the kiss? Or his feelings? Or ... damn, it was really hard. He had taken on many challenges in his life, but that was a whole new level.

"You want to talk about the kiss?" Matthew asked directly and the red colouring on Chan's cheeks grew darker and darker.

"Maybe." He removed his hand from Matthew and pressed it to his chest as he kept his eyes on the green of the fields. “I like you. I like you very much," he murmured and Matthew smiled steadily,"But I don't know if I … like-like you.” That was a lie. Chan just wanted to test the limits.

Matthew frowned slightly and pressed his lips together. "You know … There were times where I thought you were in love with me too."

Chan closed his eyes. Falling in love. That was such a strong statement which unsettled him. "As I said, I don't know." He opened his eyes. "It's all just weird and new and ... There are so many overwhelming things."

"Like being an Omega?"

Chan froze on the windowsill and stared straight at Matthew. He had pictured so often how the other would address this topic. He should have reckoned with it, and yet he was sitting here, in complete shock, and could not utter a word.

"Don't look at me like that," Matthew said, "I hugged you several times. I kissed you. I was about to undress you. Do you really think I didn't realize what you are?” He sighed and leaned against the wall behind him.

Chan said nothing, his cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame. He stared out of the window. "Yes, I ... I'm sorry," he whispered, and was about to cry.

"You don't have to apologize for who you are."

“But I want to. It isn’t right."

Matthew looked at him flustered. “What do you mean?"

Chan breathed a little faster. “I’m not an Omega. I can't be one. That doesn't fit. We ... no, we can't be that typical Alpha-Omega-thing. It doesn't suit me.” Heavy weight rested on his chest. Only now he fully realized how much it would restrict and depress him to be a level below Matthew. He could not. He did not want that. He would not survive that.

"I still see you like before, Chan."

Chan gritted his teeth and tugged his hair. “You do? You're just saying that! You keep smelling me. You probably want to put a collar around my neck!” It might have been due to the mood swings which Chan suffered from with the monthly cycle, but much of it was made up of subconscious and very dark thoughts. "You and I don't fit together."

Matthew grabbed Chan's hands because he was afraid the other would hurt himself at this point.

Chan's breathing had only gotten faster. “I cannot do this anymore. I'm not ready to do that.”

He was interrupted when his counterpart pressed his mouth firmly on his, pushing him against the thick window glass. Matthew still held Chan's wrists tightly as he put all of his pent-up emotions in this kiss.

Chan sat there paralyzed again until he released his hands from the other's grip and pushed him back. “Haven’t you listened to me?! I don't want to be with you!” He got up and ran back onto the main corridor just in time because he started crying.

Chan felt like a heap of misery. He had seriously shouted at Matthew. He had never shouted at any of his friends in his life.

He was a fucking asshole.

After school, he could not help but lie on the bed like a wet sack and review that day again and again. He closed his eyes and put the tips of his fingers on his own lips, swallowed hard and curled up because the pain in his chest did not want to disappear.

Felix had called him earlier to ask if Chan would like to come over, but he had canceled. He simply did not have the strength to step among people today.

Chan was in love.

He was so in fucking love. 

But he did not want to be. This made it even harder to reject Matthew. At least he had not texted him, let alone called him. He had probably lost any interest anyway.

Matthew was a handsome, strong and charming Alpha. He could wrap every Omega around his finger. He even had Chan wrapped around his finger, so that would not be a problem.

Just the thought of Matthew finding someone else devoured Chan on the inside like a disgusting monster of jealousy and despair. He wanted to be with Matthew and at the same time he cursed that desire. It was not right.

Chan was in love with Matthew because he was in love with Matthew.

Matthew was in love with Chan because he was in love with an Omega.

These were two absolute different mindsets that Chan could not reconcile. He could not stand it. In a different world, at a different time, under different conditions, he would be with Matthew. There was nothing which could stop him.

But he was simply unhappy with everything.

There was a knock on his door before his mother went into his room without waiting for an answer. "Look, I got this bike seat for Hannah, then you can-" She paused when she saw the little mourning puddle which was dripping on the bed in front of her.  _ ”Chan, are you alright?”  _ She looked at him worriedly.

Chan shook his head. Should he talk to her about his problems? After all, she was the only one who knew about his existence as Omega and could give him mental support.

At the same time, he was too exhausted to talk about his problems. That was why he sighed heavily. "I had a fight with Matthew," he admitted vaguely, rolling onto his back, "just put the seat on my table. I’ll attach it when I have the time.”

His mother followed the instruction and looked at him pityingly. “What do you need?"

“A new life."

Now she looked at him a little sternly. “Chan, don't say that. You’re surrounded by a lot of great people, while you yourself are great at what you do.” Now she looked at him more gently. "I know it's not easy for you, even if I don't understand it 100 percent. But whatever the problem is: You’ll be able to sort this out with Matthew. Maybe you both just didn't really talk everything out.”

Chan would have said something, but he was too tired for that too.

So his mother left the room and closed the door quietly behind her.

He returned to the thoughtful atmosphere. After a while, he put on his headphones and clicked on his favourite playlist as he closed his eyes and tried to relax somehow.

The playlist was in shuffle mode, so he opened his eyes in surprise when Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" was played. The song he and Matthew had sung together.

Ed Sheeran was one of his favourite musicians, if not, even THE favourite musician among the artists he followed, so it should not come as a surprise to him that this song was played. But the goosebumps which were spreading across Chan's arms were brand new. Before that, he had simply loved to hear the song because it was beautiful, romantic and a bit cheesy, but in a wonderful way. He was not the greatest romantic in the world, but Ed Sheeran's songs described this innocent and lovely romance which melted almost everyone - including him.

Although this was clearly a relationship between a man and a woman, Chan was nevertheless able to identify with the lyrics for the very first time.

It was a little overwhelming, but just as the lines

_ 'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love _

_ not knowing what it was _

were heard, he could not help but hold his breath and let all the overflowing emotions work on him. They enveloped his heart like tendrils and warmed it, but also triggered incredible pressure on his chest, making it feel like he was being shoved onto the mattress.

"I'm way too emotional," he whispered. Maybe that was because he had his period. Or because he was so terribly in love with Matthew. Or both.

What if he had been in love with him for a while? Did Matthew feel the same way? And if so, what should he do with this information?

Chan's heart pounded with excitement. If Matthew had actually been in love with Chan since elementary school … yeah, elementary school, or even kindergarten, it would not have anything to do with his second gender as an Omega.

Then Matthew would just be Matthew and Chan would be Chan.

Chan wanted to start crying again because he wanted it so much. He really wished it was true because he could not handle all the negative feelings anymore.

Matthew, along with his remaining friends and family, was what enabled him to breathe deeply. Let him dive into another world. Therefore, Chan felt away from everything not because of all the beautiful places which Matthew had shown him, but because of Matthew himself. Because he smiled so sweetly, because he looked at him so dearly and because it was so incredibly warm when he reached for Chan’s smaller hand.

He thought of his mother's words. Yes, maybe they had not talked about everything. Maybe Matthew had not wanted anything bad, and Chan had overreacted. 

He reached for his cellphone and winced in shock when he was called in the same second.

Matthew.

He started to panic before he paused, took a few deep breaths, and then answered the call.

"Chan."

Chan wanted to reply, but his mouth was completely dry.

“I am sorry."

And as always, Matthew was extremely straightforward. On the one hand, it was good because you did not have to beat about the bush, but on the other hand it was quite overwhelming, because Chan could no longer take any way out.

"What are you sorry for?" Chan asked quietly.

“That I kissed you. Twice. Without your consent.”

Chan’s heart sank into his pants and he gripped the sheets. He looked at the mirror with red cheeks. The broken glass had been replaced, so he could watch every inch of his embarrassment. "I-I wanted to, no, I ... want to."

Silence.

“What?"

“Matthew, you didn't do anything wrong. I was just unfair to you,” Chan mumbled, pulling his legs up to his chest.

“But I thought-"

"Then you thought wrong." Chan chewed on his lower lip. “I want to kiss you too."

The conversation grew uncomfortable by every second which passed, making Chan more and more restless.

"It's pretty personal right now, isn't it?" Matthew assured himself.

Chan laughed hollowly and cleared his throat. “Probably."

Again, silence.

"And what are you going to do about it?"

Chan looked at his feet and pondered over that question. “I don't know."


	22. "I had absolutely no idea."

The sun shone gloriously down from the sky. A perfect day to play outside.

Matthew sat in the grass picking daisies. They were so lovely and small. He thought that they were really pretty.

Since his mother owned a flower shop, he could not avoid getting lost in the flora world. When you were surrounded by these little wonders of nature on a daily basis, you gained a whole new view of plants.

There were many beautiful flowers. An infinite number of beautiful flowers.

But daisies remained his favourites. Simple, yet so pretty and lovely. They did not have much, but managed to put a smile on his face every time.

"Hey, there's Jinseok."

"What is he doing there?"

"Something about flowers."

Matthew tried to ignore the others. Some guys thought it was weird that he did not come along to play ball or catch with them. It must have been strange that he would rather sit here to admire these little flowers.

Suddenly, however, they were right in front of him, so that he could no longer ignore them.

”What are you doing there?" One of the boys snatched the flower chain from his hand and tore it apart. "What you do is stupid."

Matthew could hardly reply; He was far too overwhelmed with the situation.

“Say something! Why are you sitting here and playing with flowers?"

Matthew pressed his lips together and looked into his clasped hands. "I ..."

He found it hard to speak. He and his parents had only come to Korea six months ago. They wanted to stay with his grandmother because she had been very lonely since her husband's death and no one else took care of her (and she also did not want to go into a retirement home). Before that, they could still afford to live in Los Angeles, but the move had cost a lot, so they had to be careful financially.

"Where are you looking?"

He felt a kick in the side. It had not been particularly strong, but strong enough to unsettle him. This uncertainty got worse, but everything was paralyzed so that he could not even get up. Otherwise he would have run away long ago.

“Hey! What are you doing there?!” someone suddenly barked across the playground.

A boy with black hair cut short came up to the group. "Leave him alone!"

"Wow, Chan, you're annoying."

“Like you’re any better. Go away!" Chan pushed him back in the chest so that he fell on the grass. His hand caught a stone and he began to cry.

"I’ll snatch that!" the boy cried and got up before he ran away. The others just did not seem half as brave without their "leader" anymore, so they got lost as well.

“Do it! I don't care!", Chan shouted afterwards," I'm not the one who annoys others just like that! " He exhaled audibly and put his hands on his sides before looking at Matthew. “Are you okay?"

Matthew nodded. He knew Chan. Everyone knew Chan. He played with the boys or sat at the table with the girls to paint with them, and he could do that better than most. At the same time he was incredibly bright and dear - the teachers loved this child.

Everyone wanted to play with Chan, including Matthew. But as if he could ever speak to him if he was always sitting quietly here anyway.

"Thanks," Matthew said finally, a little unsure of himself.

Chan grinned. “No problem!" He held out his hand and helped him up. "What did they annoy you about?"

"Because I ... so … because ..." Matthew picked up the torn flower chain. A few daisies were still hanging together, but the chain was still broken. He was not sure how to explain the situation.

“Oh, that's a shame about the chain. I can understand why you love the flowers so much,” Chan replied. He smiled widely, and to Matthew he was like a daisy. White, kind and honest.

“Yes I …"

Chan frowned. "You don't have to be afraid of me."

Matthew looked at him a little helplessly.  _ "But I'm not scared." _

Then Chan's eyes widened. “Oh! You speak English!  _ Me too!" _

Matthew looked at him somewhat surprised.  _ “For real? That… wow, cool! I'm from LA.” _

_ "LA, whoa, you gotta tell me more about it!" _

Matthew nodded enthusiastically. Suddenly all the tension and burden from him.

"Ah, but ...  _ what's your name?" _

"Matthew."

_ "Oooh, cool. I'll call you Matt!" _

Matt. He liked that.

“My friend Minho is back there. Do you want to play with us?"

* * *

Matthew still vividly remembered his first real encounter with Chan. He had not understood it then, but that was the time where it had started.

He had started to fall in love with Chan.

In the beginning it had been pure admiration. The two even had gone to elementary school with Minho together. And at some point the thought had hit him. The thought that his feelings could be something stronger. Something like love.

For Matthew, Chan was like a knight in shining armor. Chan was incredibly strong, ambitious and sometimes extremely stubborn. And Matthew wanted to support him in what he did. Forever. Not because Chan could not make it on his own - he could - but because Matthew wanted to be there for him.

Yes, he wanted to be there for him. He wanted to listen to him. And he wanted to hug him.

The fact that Chan was an Omega had surprised him, however, it had not been a shock. There was nothing shocking about it. It was a part of him. And Matthew accepted every "flaw" which somehow made Chan even more perfect and imperfect. Perfectly imperfect because Chan was not perfect, but he was simply Chan. And that was the best thing in the world.

"Wow, and you kissed him again?" Minho asked.

The two boys were at his house and were gambling a bit on the consoles.

"Yes, but I don't know if it was such a good idea. He wasn't angry afterwards, but really shocked in the first second,” Matthew muttered as he concentrated on the game.

"Oh fuck!" In frustration, Minho tossed the console away. "Why are you so good at this?" He laughed and took a cracker off the coffee table.

"It's a sign that we are spending too much time together."

Matthew did not have a console since it was expensive after all. For his birthday, he always wanted simple presents. The most expensive things he got were perfumes, which his mother kept insisting on, knowing that he liked them, but was too modest to want anything expensive.

That was why they always gambled at Minho's house, but Matthew was apparently kind of a natural since he usually won 90 percent of the games.

"Might be." Minho smiled. "Although you really spent a lot of time with Chan."

"Hmm, it was nice. But I don't know. I don’t think it’s going to last.”

Matthew and Chan had agreed to talk to each other again, but Chan was very busy. He had said that he would think about their relationship. Nevertheless, he had to work himself through all those requests on the school board.

Secretly, however, Matthew thought that he had already screwed it up anyway.

"Man, cheer up." Minho patted his shoulder. "You and Chan have been knwoing each other longer than we both." He grinned.

Matthew rolled his eyes. "That's maybe a five minutes difference."

"Every minute counts."

Maybe. But Matthew had been waiting for more than ten years. A few minutes more or less made no difference to him anymore.

* * *

"The renovations are going great!" Changbin said, looking through the window at the construction workers who were standing in front of the swimming hall.

"The only question is whether the school’s income is sufficient."

“Junhyeok’s found a good offer. He knows a lot about that.”

"Yes, he is a dream guy." Chan rolled his eyes.

“Why don't you like him? He's really nice,” Changbin claimed, sitting on the table.

Chan hesitated. "I ... we just don't get along well."

Changbin then raised his eyebrows. "Chan, you know I accept your privacy, but your secrecy is starting to get exhausting."

Chan sighed heavily. “You’re right." He rubbed his hair. "He basically flirted with me more or less and got … pushy." Yes, if it had been only flirting. "Since then, I've been uncomfortable being around him."

Changbin looked at him in surprise. “I'm sorry. I had absolutely no idea.”

"There has been no chance for you to do so."

The two stepped into the corridor. Changbin accompanied Chan to the music room.

"Are you stopping by for training today?" Changbin asked.

Chan hesitated. In fact, he had thought it over, but he could hardly bear to sit on the side and watch everyone prepare for the championships. The championships in which he could not participate. “Sorry I can’t."

Changbin just nodded.

Matthew came towards them. It was rare to see him without Minho, but on Wednesdays he had his advanced course in economy in the third and fourth lesson, so he was probably on the floor above them.

Chan looked down, embarrassed.

Matthew took notice of him, but entered the classroom alone.

Changbin looked irritated at Chan. “What was that?"

"Matt and I had a fight," Chan replied semi-honestly. It had not been a real fight. They were only in a difficult situation.

"Oh man, you've been having a lot of excitement lately, huh?" Changbin clapped on Chan’s shoulder. "Anyways, I have to go upstairs now. Otherwise I'm late for social studies.” With that he said goodbye.

Chan sat silently next to Matthew and took out his school supplies. He noticed that the other was looking at him, but he tried not to pay too much attention to it. His head was still a mess. He did not know what to do. The two of them usually chatted in the meantime when Ms. Ahn was too busy with her neat blackboard notes, but this time they were silent.

For the rest of the day, Chan's mood was rather below the X axis of his mood coordinate system.

On the way home he cycled past the pharmacy because he needed new pills. He stood at the counter and waited for the clerk while pondering over the day.

Matthew and he had to sort this issue out, Chan still did not get along with Junhyeok, and the swim team occupied his thoughts now and then. How could a person feel so much at the same time?

"Hello, what can I do for you?" the friendly looking lady asked.

"Hello, I need pills to suppress Omega pheromones."

She made a face and looked at Chan apologetically. "I'm sorry, we currently have bottlenecks in our supply chains."

“Pardon?"

“Since the mating season is currently at its peak, Omegas order the pills more than usually. The companies are overwhelmed with it. As long as there is no serious, medically confirmed reason to give you the medicine, I unfortunately cannot hand it over. We have to keep the pills for those who really need them.”

But Chan needed them too. Desperately. But he could not say that. That would be selfish. He knew there were people out there who were worse off than he was. And yet his mood just got another crack.

“Okay, thank you anyway."

“Maybe you can ask again in a week, then the situation may look more relaxed. You can use perfume or something similar to at least slightly mask the smell.”

Chan nodded and left the pharmacy.

* * *

At dinner he was even more silent than usually.

“Alright, how’s training going?” his father asked, smiling.

Chan winced slightly. "Well, I don't have that much time right now."

“Well, no problem. The year’s not over yet. A lot can happen.”

Chan nodded and put the cutlery down. “I'm full. Can I go into my room?”

Concerned, the parents exchanged eye contact briefly before his mother nodded in confirmation.

In his room, Chan threw himself on the bed and curled up as he buried his face in the pillow. He let out a low lament and clawed his fingers into the fabric before he narrowed his eyes and started to cry silently.

How should he go to school tomorrow? He was afraid. The regular school board meetings were on Thursdays and Junhyeok would be close. So close.

He could not go to school. The pills were the only thing that had enabled him to live a normal life … somehow. How long would he hold out?

Chan rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling before wiping the tears from his cheeks. He wished that he could at least hug Matthew. That had always made him feel safe.

"No, forget it," he breathed out and closed his eyes. Matthew liked him because he was an Omega. Why should he somehow imagine that the other was in love with Chan because Chan was Chan?

There was a knock on his door.

He sat up and wiped his face again before grabbing a book and pretending to be immersed in reading. “Come in.”

As expected, his mother entered the room. "I wanted to say goodnight to you."

Chan looked at the clock. It was actually really early. "You want something else."

His mother laughed softly. "Busted." She sat down on the bed and took the book out of his hands carefully. “Something’s wrong. You smell stronger today than usual.”

"The pharmacy doesn't have any pills for me right now."

"Are you sad about that?"

Somehow. But there were endless reasons to be sad. Chan did not know where to start. Even if he had the courage to pour out his heart, he would have no idea how to do it.

"When will you be able to buy new pills?"

“I don't know. Maybe next week,” Chan replied, avoiding looking at his mother.

She chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip. "You should probably stay at home for the next few days."

Chan immediately started to protest. He did not want to skip classes again.

“Chan, you’re exhausted. Look at you. Your period wears you out. You don't dare leave the house without the pills anyway.” His mother looked at him seriously. "You have to take a break."

”But I-"

“No buts. I’m your mother and I’m certainly not watching how you destroy yourself.” She got up. "You’ll stay at home for the next few days, okay?"

* * *

So Chan actually stayed home. He slept mainly because he was really tired. Otherwise, he devoted himself to his music, went out with Berry or played hide and seek with Hannah in the house. His condition was not good, but neither was it particularly bad. The isolation was beneficial.

He had told his friends that he had gotten sick, which was not that big of a lie. Of course, they were still worried.

"Something’s wrong with Chan," Hyunjin claimed thoughtfully during the lunch break.

"No shit, Sherlock," Seungmin replied, rolling his eyes, "Does anyone know anything else?"

The others shook their heads, while Matthew looked at his plate almost guiltily as if he was responsible for it.

Rumors were spread around the school. It had been noticed that Chan was not there and Junhyeok instead took over all the head boy duties, as a vice should do. However, there were enough boys who were enthusiastic about the fresh wind. Finally a real Alpha head boy who was not committed to feminism, but was on the side of the strong guys.

Chan's friends did not like the change, especially Changbin, who experienced everything personally on the school board.

"Junhyeok does his job well, don't get me wrong," he said, poking his food, "But Chan has this ... This rigor and at the same time this understanding for all sides. He sees you as a human being and not as the second gender.”

The girls apparently shared the same opinion. Now they felt neglected without the empathic head boy. But they were outnumbered. After all, this had been originally a boys' school.

The isolation continued until Thursday the following week. Chan had been able to get pills, but he actually did not feel able to go back to school again. His mother offered to stay at home longer, but he refused. In the end, he could not hide forever. He was also the head boy. It would be irresponsible to avoid all tasks for so long.

He barely got out of bed in the morning, but with motivating music he managed to get dressed properly for school and at least not seem too dead.

Chan rode his bike as usual; he was a bit nervous. An uneasy feeling was spreading through his stomach, even if he did not know where it came from. A bad premonition? Or pure paranoia?

He locked his bike and walked slowly towards the school building. It was ten minutes before class started, so the big wave of students was coming. But what was unusual was the fact that people were standing in front of the large panorama window.

"Guys, please don't stop the school traffic," Chan called out of habit.

Everyone immediately turned their heads to him and made space for him as if he were Moses who could divide the sea.

Chan looked at them in confusion before risking a glance at the window:

**GET RID OF BANG CHAN! CHOOSE JUN!**


	23. "You don't have to see everything in black and white.”

Chan took a few seconds longer to notice that there were more words. Hate speeches against him, all over the window.

He became dizzy and realized that he was stared at from all sides. He did not know what to do. Suddenly, all language skills had been swept out of his head. For the first time he was in public while being almost helpless.

"Okay, people, classes are about to start. Please go into the building," he heard and turned around.

It was Junhyeok, who shooed people in. He seemed to ignore the paint on the glass, as he came to Chan. "It's good that you're back. We have a lot to do."

Chan just squeaked and turned his head away. He snorted without a sign of true amusement and clenched his hands into fists. "It looks like you can do well on your own," he said in a choked voice. What was he expecting? He had just been away for several days. Of course, people lost confidence in him. He had disappeared without an explanation.

"I have nothing to do with it," Junhyeok said, pointing to the window.

Chan believed him, but that hardly made the situation any better. He felt just sick by thinking about the fact that there were a group of people at this school, fighting against him. Still, he got up and pushed past Junhyeok.

In the assembly hall he spotted Changbin, who ran across the before hugging him. "You're still alive," he said almost teasingly, but then realized that Chan looked anything but happy. He frowned. "Hey, are you alright?"

Chan shook his head and looked wordlessly at the window. "I ... I don't know what to do."

"We'll remove that," Changbin said quickly, holding Chan by the shoulder, his face painted by worries.

Chan shook his head again. "No, I generally don't know what to do."

Changbin let out a long breath. “Well, you're still the head boy. What do words like that mean anyway?”

Much. They meant so much.

As if it was not already difficult with Matthew. No, now the other half of his life had to splinter as well.

"I have to go to the Japanese lesson," Chan muttered, pulling away from Changbin's grip.

No matter where he walked: he was stared at. That did not also stop when he sat in the classroom. Even during class, he felt that the students' eyes bored into his back.

In the first big break he met the rest of his friends.

"Chan!" Felix exclaimed, almost jumping into his cousin's arms.

Chan caught him and ran a hand through his hair. “Yikes, have you just turned into a bungee rope?”

"Are you okay?" Felix asked, without reacting to the rhetorical question.

No. Chan’s mood was really shitty. "I’ll manage," he said vaguely.

"Man, we were really worried!" Jisung complained, "You can't just be sick without telling us."

Chan smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I didn't feel like talking to people." And now he still did not feel like it.

"After all, we finally have our head boy here again," Hyunjin stated, nodding enthusiastically.

Ouch.

Chan knew it was meant to be nice, but he felt like crying after that statement. He was not feeling well at all. How could he still sell himself as head boy if there was confirmation on the panorama window that he obviously did not belong to that position? "Should we go outside?" Seungmin questioned, "The weather’s great."

So they went outside together and crouched in their regular place.

Minho handed over a bag of crackers through their sitting row. Only Chan had no appetite and shook his head as he looked up at the sky.

Matthew watched him silently, but Chan did not notice. Instead, he let the cloud images work on him and inhaled the fresh wind which was blowing towards him, hoping that it would clear his head again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the breeze blew a few strands from his face. It looked like he wanted to take in some hope.

Minho flicked Matthew's temple and whispered, "Hey, Jin, don't stare at him like that."

Matthew then nudged his best friend, red colouring his cheeks, before he ate his apple.

"We should do something tomorrow," Jeongin suggested suddenly, "It’s been way too long."

"Right," Felix confirmed, "Does anyone have any ideas?"

Everyone was silent before Jisung clapped. “I’d really like to do parkour running again!”

"It's too late to register for a course," Matthew promptly said.

Jisung shrugged. “I don't mean a course anyway. We could do it just outside in the city.”

Chan sighed loudly. "I don't know if that's a good idea ..."

Jisung then pouted. “You were gone for a week! Now we want to spend time with you again.”

Chan did not really feel like doing anything anymore. He was strangely weak and unmotivated - it was completely unfamiliar. The tiredness which he otherwise only felt physically now was also mentally noticeable. Even worrying was too tiring.

“My suggestion would be a meeting in the park tomorrow. 3pm?” Jisung announced.

Matthew groaned. “I still have to help my mother at this time! Is it so difficult to remember this? The flowers don’t water themselves.”

“Oh, right. When are you finished?”

Matthew snorted amused. They had been friends for years, and yet many of them were forgetful enough to feel like asking about the schedule five times a week. “Around four o’clock,” Matthew replied.

“It's nicer to run in the evening anyway,” Felix commented.

Everyone else seemed pretty satisfied with the idea (except Seungmin, who asked several times if there was not anything else fun to do).

Chan did not know what to think about the plan, but he did not have enough strength to start a discussion, so he accepted the suggestion without protest.

After that he had philosophy. He usually participated in class actively because he found the subject exciting. It also helped him with song writing, as the models opened up new perspectives. But today he just was not in the mood.

The low did not rise in the Chinese lesson either, since he became aware that the school board meeting would be after classes. They would probably go through students' requests, and he really did not want to imagine what the letters would be about.

During lunch, he sat with his friends to eat, but every time someone passed him, he felt like he was being stared at. He lost his appetite so that he leaned back and looked thoughtfully at the table top.

"You've barely eaten," Changbin noticed.

It was indeed unusual. After all, Chan was a passionate eater. He was able to eat quite a bit too much (it was a real art), so it was more than worrying that he sat there listlessly and did not really want to eat anything. 

"Not hungry," he replied. He was exhausted because he had not slept well the last few nights, plagued by all these oppressive thoughts. How could he eat without choking on it straight up?

"Come on, just a little," Felix pleaded.

Chan sighed and smiled weakly before he picked up the chopsticks and put a bunch of noodles in his mouth. He noticed that Matthew was watching him closely.

However, as soon as Chan looked at him as well, he bowed his head and continued to eat as if nothing had happened.

Chan was usually looking forward to PE classes, but it was difficult for him to get motivated. 

He changed his shirt when he was in the toilet. With a tired face he entered the locker room.

Matthew's knowing gaze rested on him before the older brushed his shirt off his shoulders.

"Whoa, Jinseok!" a classmate said, "have you been working out?"

The boys looked admiringly at the muscles of the Alpha.

"Huh? Yes. I'd like to go to the gym, but that's too expensive," Matthew explained with a smile and put on a t-shirt, "But we have a banister that is easy to pull up on. For example, I do pullups. Or I can just do something like pushups.”

"Nice! Is this also due to the hormones that you can gain muscle mass so quickly?”

Matthew nodded. "It's definitely a benefit."

Chan suppressed a sigh. The situation reminded him that he wanted to build up muscles himself. He had worked on that with his last visits to the gym, but he was not feeling like it right now. An Omega who trained. That was almost ridiculous.

It suited Matthew. He could carry his Alpha symbol with his chin raised. It was enviable.

The teacher clapped her hands and whistled. "Everyone, come here.”

The students gathered in a circle.

"I thought that we would do gymnastics and dancing at the same time so that we could do both volleyball and soccer this year. The hall's big enough anyway.”

The girls obviously enjoyed the fact that dancing was now an official unit, while the boys groaned in annoyance.

"Guys, that's a compromise!" Mrs. Jo said strictly, "For gymnastics you have the parallel bars, rings, balance beam and the mats. In dancing you should create your own choreography, either in the field of ballet or modern dance. Individual and partner work is allowed.”

Mrs. Jo divided them into two groups so that they could do gymnastics in one hour and dance in the other.

"This sucks," Minho grumbled and grabbed the rings before he clumsily clung to them.

Matthew braced himself on the bar with both hands and chuckled. "Oh, when we switch you can dance. I mean, that's basically your thing.”

Minho rolled his eyes. "I'm a hip hop dancer. I'm going to screw up like that.”

"Well, you'll still be able to get modern dance," Chan encouraged while he was walking on the balance beam, "Your dance style will look great in it."

"And what are you going to take?" Minho asked.

"Ballet," Chan replied before making a jump. It was a little scary to stand up here, but the mats at least gave him some security. 

"Really?" Matthew said surprised. It was a little strange that he spoke to Chan so directly again, but both tried to be as calm as possible.

"I used to take ballet classes. I took some in modern dance too, but not for so long. That's why the basics for ballet are easier for me to get. And as long as the unit includes standard things like the five basic positions or a simple pirouette, I can somehow manage that," Chan mumbled.

"Is there anything you can't do?" Minho said amused, "Really, sometimes it's creepy how perfect you are."

Chan rolled his eyes slightly. "I am not perfect. Nobody's perfect." He took a few steps and paused. "I want to try a handstand. Can someone help me?"

Matthew swung down from the bar. "Sure."

Chan had actually hoped that Minho would agree, but he did not want to say anything against Matthew because that would be extremely rude. So he just nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay, one, two …”

At three he swung himself up and felt how Matthew was holding him by the torso.

He only did a short handstand, so he landed pretty quickly. However, he was a bit dizzy, so he slipped. The next second he fell off the balance beam and made a choked sound before closing his eyes.

He expected to feel the thin mat floor, but was caught by Matthew, who carried him on both arms like a bride.

"Oh my god, I almost had a heart attack," he said, feeling Chan shiver slightly from the shock, "It's okay, Chris. I got you."

Chan looked at him with slightly wide eyes. Matthew's hands burned all over his body.

The moment of Matthew kissing him appeared in his head. He swallowed hard and wanted to say something when he heard someone call:

"Wow, nice catch!”

"That's where the Alpha strength comes out."

"A natural protector.”

Not only the boys were impressed, but also the girls, who started giggling and giving Matthew admiring looks.

This triggered a stab in Chan's chest. He did not want Matthew to be seen that way. Especially if it was just about his Alpha status.

"Can you please let me down?" he murmured.

Matthew was embarrassed and dropped him off.

"Perhaps the balance beam doesn't suit you," Minho tried to untangle the tense atmosphere, "You could try floor exercises."

Chan was embarrassed about the situation with Matthew, so he tried to work in peace.

For the second school hour they changed to the other half of the hall. Chan looked at the instructions on the laminated paper, but skipped those which included the basic positions. Although it had been a while since he had visited ballet classes, at least the positions had burned themselves into his memory. So he looked at the routines one could do.

"Okay, Demi, Demi, arm up, Grand Plié," Chan murmured, "Forward, backward, repetition in second, third and fifth position."

"Are you okay?" Mrs Jo asked.

"Hmh, yes, it works," Chan replied.

The teacher smiled at him before becoming a little more serious. "You haven't told me why you left the swimming team."

Of course he could not avoid that conversation.

"Personal reasons," Chan replied quietly, avoiding her eyes.

She said nothing before nodding again. "Okay."

Chan knew it hurt her. After all, she had been thrilled by the foundation of the swimming team too. It meant just as much to her.

She straightened her shoulders. "Anyways, you’ve choseYou don't have to see everything in black and white.n ballet? SYou don't have to see everything in black and white.o you're the only boy.”

Chan nodded, now even more embarrassed. "I used to have ballet classes, so I thought it would be a wise decision."

"Well, let's see. ”

Chan performed the routine he had read while Ms. Jo made corrections.

"If you keep it up, I’ll give you an A," she said with a smile.

"An A? I'm happy if I get a B. Dancing is not my strength.”

Mrs. Jo continued to smile at him. "You underestimate yourself, Chan. You don't have to see everything in black and white.” So she left him alone because someone from the gymnastics group needed help. 

* * *

Chan tapped his hand on the table as usual when the session was about to start. "Please be quiet," he ordered, "Thank you for showing up today. And also thank you for keeping the business going while I was absent.”

He sighed, looked at his fist and swallowed hard. Then he looked at Junhyeok, who was standing nearby his table. "Special thanks to you, Jun...hyeok.” Chan started to sweat because he almost used the short version of the name in a professional context. "I heard in the break that you did a good job."

He cleared his throat. "Well, the collaboration with the cooking club has been working so far and the renovations seem to be running as well. The school playground is also being redesigned?”

Junhyeok nodded.

"Good. Next up are the project days, for which luckily Momo's lists have been found again. We have to make sure there is enough space available.”

They divided the tasks for the planning. Everything went routinely and yet there was a strange mood.

Chan checked his wristwatch. "Well, we still have time left. Should we go through students' letters?” He usually did this alone and then reported the requests to the school board. But if they got through all the other topics early enough, they would just do it together.

Doowon took the letters from the school council mailbox and put them in a pile on Chan's desk. 

Chan took it and divided it into three piles before Jinyoung and Momo went to the desk to distribute two of the piles to the other members.

They opened the envelopes and scanned the letters.

The first letter Chan got was a thanks to the school board for their hard work. It was littered with compliments to the new school climate and the repaired buildings.

Chan smiled and folded the letter to put it aside. "Someone thanked us for our work."

A few let out an “Awww” while others smiled broadly.

Chan took the next letter and was confused because there was only a snippet in it. He took it out and read the words on it:

_ Bang Chan is the plague. _

He stared at the statement and blinked several times.

Junhyeok was reading a letter himself when he noticed that Chan was frozen. "Everything alright?" he asked.

That also caught the attention of others.

Chan swallowed hard and crumpled up the snippet. He tore open the next envelope and took out a new letter. There was a slightly longer text on it, but it was also concise.

_ Bang Chan is obsolete. _

_ Since Junhyeok has been working as a leader, the school improves 10 times faster. _

_ I want a new election. _

It was crazy, but the next few letters also demanded something similar. Chan opened the envelopes almost hysterically. In between there were normal students’ requests, but he paid little attention to them.

The other members were concerned about his behaviour. They themselves had opened a few of these letters.

"Hey," Jinyoung said, "maybe that's enough for today."

The tension was incredible. The members packed their things and put away the letters and the garbage. This time Doowon did the filing and put the folder on the shelf.

"Are we done?" Jinyoung asked.

Junhyeok nodded. "Yes, you can go." He bowed. "See you."

They left the room, but Chan was still sitting at the table staring up in the air. He had not noticed, but the tears were rolling down his cheeks.

Junhyeok took a deep breath and dropped to his knees in front of the desk, resting his forearms on the table top. "Chan."

"What?", the other answered harshly.

Junhyeok stayed calm nonetheless. "I’m sorry. I have nothing to do with it, I swear. I really wanted to be vice to … ”

"To what? To humiliate me? To show how much better you know the school? To show off your Apha status?”

"Is that an Omega complex of yours?"

Chan stiffened.

"Chan, I smelled your pheromones. I'm not stupid."

Chan had assumed it, but actually hearing it was a completely different matter. He got up and packed his schoolbag. He could not go on like this. He did not want to. If he did not leave now, he would get the crisis of his lifetime.

Junhyeok held him by the shoulder. "You can't just run away.

"What am I supposed to do then?! If people want you as head boy, then they should just choose you," Chan snapped, "No problem. I just go to the principal and then we can- ”

His words were choked off from lips which were pressed against his.


	24. "So do you vouch for your Omega status?"

Chan froze, but not for long. He immediately pushed Junhyeok away. "Fuck, what's that about?!" he shouted at the other.

The two were enemies. Why the hell had the other kissed him?

Junhyeok's lips tightened and he snorted. "Oh man, you're really annoying."

"And that's why you kissed me?!" Chan asked, rubbing his hair. His lips burned and it felt like acid was bubbling up in his stomach. In addition to anger, he felt something else. Guilt.

Guilt because of Matthew.

Finally everything made sense to him. It was still mating season so Junhyeok reacted stronger on his pheromones. "Just because I'm an Omega doesn't mean I'm totally into you now," Chan grumbled, "just stay away from me or I'll kick you out of the school board."

“How’s that supposed to work if people want me? Chan, you forget that the majority here are male students. They want an Alpha. An Alpha who knows the school better than anyone else. Do you really think you can still claim the position as head boy that easily?”

Had Junhyeok not just said that he just wanted to be vice? And now he blackmailed Chan.

It was actually just this Alpha-Omega-thing.

"Jun, what do you want from me?" Chan had the confidence to meet him at eye level again. The other one knew his secret anyway. What should happen now?

“Either you go out with me or you give up your position as head boy. It will happen anyway if everyone learns that you are an Omega.”

That was like a kick in the face.

"You ... are not seriously threatening me now, are you?" Chan said and laughed almost bitterly.

Junhyeok looked at him steadily. "You've been walking over me for too long."

"Oh, and unfortunately I also have pheromones which you’re obsessed with."

Junhyeok made an unhappy sound. You could tell that he was acting out of primitiveness and desire. It was a completely different feeling compared to Matthew. There was so much warmth and patience in Matthew's eyes, while in Junhyeok’s one could only see lust, driven by his instincts.

“The position as head boy means a lot to you. That's why you're hiding who you are.”

And again Junhyeok saw through the situation. It was horrible how quickly he understood contexts. Like this he knew how to take advantage of them.

Chan was similar, but he used them for the common good. He did not become a god because of that. However, he utilized his skills at least for something good.

Chan took a deep breath.

"The decision’s on you."

Going out with Junhyeok. That would not be that bad.

It would be  _ terrifying _ .

Chan had rejected Matthew because he believed that the other only wanted him because of his Omega existence. But now he saw the contrast through Junhyeok's behaviour. And he felt incredibly stupid. He was still unsure about Matthew's feelings, but at least he could say that Junhyeok was just an asshole.

The lump in his throat grew and he knew that the next decision could plunge him into the next hole. But there was no other way. Either he would fall for a while or he would crash down on the ground.

"It isn’t worth it," he claimed, "No head boy position in the world is enough payment to deal with you."

With that, Chan left the room.

* * *

Chan laid in bed crying.

He was afraid. Not only because he now had to give up his position as head boy. He had realized how much he wanted Matthew. In his life, by his side, all the time. But how was he supposed to face him after everything he himself had done? Yes, they had already indicated that they should speak to each other again, but none of them really dared to do so.

He wiped away his tears and sighed loudly as he stared at the ceiling. His life was a huge mess. "How am I supposed to fix this?" he murmured.

In any case, it was clear that he would cede his position. He had already lost his role as captain. How bad could it be to give up the position as head boy?

Very bad. Who then should take care of the girls' rights?

Chan grumbled and rolled over onto his stomach. Why was Junhyeok just such a burden? Was it because he was just a primitive Alpha?

"Stupid hormones," Chan growled, reaching for the pack of pills. There were still bottlenecks in the delivery chain so he had to think carefully about when to swallow pills. It was tiring to take care of all of them at the same time because they did suppress his pheromones, but there were a number of side effects: sleep disorders, dizziness, mood swings, depression-like conditions - not a good mix given that his mental well-being was trash anyway.

His skin had also become paler. Before that, it had been pretty pale already, especially compared to his other friends. Now it looked more like porcelain. Was it the lack of sleep? He looked more fragile, which is why he hated it. Even if it made him look elegant, he loathed this appearance in the mirror.

Suddenly his cell phone rang. At first he thought it was Changbin, who wanted to text him again about a track. But the message actually came from Matthew. The only thing he had sent was a link.

Chan clicked on it in confusion and came to a website about a motel in Masan. Then he called Matthew because ... yes, because? Maybe he just needed a voice to listen to so that his own inner voice could finally shut up.

"Why are you sending this to me?" he asked directly.

"I've already mentioned our trip. We have holidays in two weeks, so let's start planning."

Chan sighed and laid back on the bed again. "Is it not too expensive?"

"Are you asking because of me?" Matthew laughed softly. "I've been saving a little bit of money by delivering the newspaper and helping my neighbours. My parents also gave me money for my good grades that I've had so far. Don't worry."

Chan hummed. "And why exactly Masan?"

"It's nearby, it's on the coast and there are nice thermal baths. Perfect to relax."

Chan smiled. "It sounds like you're advertising."

Matthew laughed again. "It was just a suggestion from Minho. I'm also going to ask again in the group, but I wanted to have your opinion first."

Chan twirled a curl thoughtfully and sucked on his lower lip. "I like the idea."

"You can also save a lot of money with a group offer. And well, the train ride takes just an hour. The price for that is okay."

"How long would we be there?"

"Hm, maybe for three or four days? Depending on how we can plan it."

Chan hummed and smiled. "Yes, that sounds good."

Silence.

"Chan, how are you?"

Chan sat up slowly. "Not so good," he admitted. The answer also seemed to surprise Matthew because Chan usually tried to stay mute about this topic.

"What's the matter?"

Chan hesitated and swallowed hard. "Junhyeok."

"Wow, has to be serious if you address him by his full name."

Chan laughed cheerlessly and looked out of the window. "I want to give up my head boy position," he said.

There was silence again.

"What?"

"Yes, I've done enough ... I'm tired," Chan explained. He did not know why he told that. Maybe because Matthew was more or less the reason for it. He did not want anything to do with Junhyeok, he wanted to stay with Matthew.

He would have liked to say all of that, but he was not brave enough.

"Well, thanks for calling me." Then he hung up because he did not have the strength to keep talking. He was exasperated.

He looked around and considered what to do with himself. He did not really feel comfortable, but he did not want to get up from the bed either. He grabbed the blanket and all the pillows, even took the spare blanket out of the closet and built a nest out of it into which he rolled up. He closed his eyes and sighed comfortably.

Now he was pleasantly warm and cozy. Why had he not thought of that earlier? Suddenly he felt so ... protected.

There was a knock on his door and his mother entered the room. "Chan, I-" She paused abruptly. "Honey, are you all right?"

"Hmh," Chan replied, sighing, exhausted and drained. He did not even have the strength to keep his eyes open, so he just fell asleep.

* * *

Chan did not understand why his mother took him to Doctor Lim. He even had to go to her before school, so he would miss his Korean class. But his mother did not want to be convinced that he could go to school, so he sat in Doctor Lim's office at this unusual time, staring out of the window.

"So, Chan, what's up today?"

“Hm, I don't really know myself. My mother has made an appointment.”

Doctor Lim laughed softly. "Ah, that's how it is."

Chan looked at her now. "She was kind of worried because I was tired." Which was absolutely weird.

Now Doctor Lim seemed to be extremely attentive. “Yeah? Did you ... do something extraordinary?”

Chan scratched his head. “Not really? I just built a … castle out of pillows and blankets.” Somehow it was embarrassing to say that. After all, he was 17 years old and no longer a toddler.

"You nested."

“Pardon?"

Doctor Lim sat back. "If Omegas feel uncomfortable or want to withdraw, they will nest. It's like a survival instinct, kind of a protective mechanism.” Now she leaned forward. "That could be an indication of a strong mental strain."

Chan swallowed. “Oh." He could not say more.

He noticed how much he still had to learn. Apparently there was more to be learned about Omegas than he had thought. Why did one not learn about it at school? Instead everyone had to squeeze facts and formulas into their brain, but unfortunately it was not very helpful in their actual life. 

“And now?"

“Nesting is a temporary solution and it also helps. But actually you would need ... ” She hesitated. “An Alpha who can calm you down. Otherwise the hormones could lead to an excess reaction. You could get sick, be more tired than you already are, feel listless and your physical performance will decrease.”

Chan blinked. "I ... should I pull an Alpha out of my hat now?" He grumbled, "It won't stay that way forever, will it?"

“Probably not. Only as long as you’re stressed.”

Oh, great.

Chan massaged the nasal bone between the thumb and forefinger. Could his life be worse? He was getting tired of taking care of all the crap.

“I will prescribe you more pills. They work like antidepressants, just specifically for Omegas.”

"At the moment there are bottlenecks."

Doctor Lim wrote down the prescription. “Not for these capsules. They are only prescribed after a special examination. That doesn’t happen too often.” She handed him the recipe. "I know that it’s unusual, but you’re in an unstable condition. You’re young and strong, but your body is going through a lot. Don’t be frustrated if you are weak on some days. That’s normal."

Chan sighed and accepted the recipe. He said goodbye and went outside to his mother, who was already waiting for him. He handed her the recipe. "Can you get that for me?"

She looked at the note in confusion. “Yeah, sure. What did Doctor Lim say?”

"Hm, she said that's just the stress."

They went to the car together. They listened to music while driving, but nobody really spoke.

When his mother stopped in the parking lot, Chan turned to face her. "How did you know that there’s something wrong with me?"

She hesitated and smiled sheepishly. "I did some research on Omegas."

Chan looked through the front window and nodded. “Thank you." He got out and beckoned to her. He still did not know how he felt. He no longer had the nerve to get upset about anything. Somehow he just accepted it.

When he got to the school building, he saw his friends who were eagerly discussing in the auditorium.

"No ... No, honestly, my parents would love to do that," Minho assured and laughed.

Chan walked up to them in confusion and cocked his head to one side. "Hey."

“Hey, where have you been? We’re talking about the trip. Minho's parents pay for the full train ride!”Jisung reported excitedly.

Chan blinked in confusion. "Oh, that's ... nice." He cleared his throat. "But they don't have to do that."

Minho waved it off. “Nah, you cannot change their mind. Plus I can't wish for something anyway because I can't think of anything. That's why they want to pay for a part of the trip.”

A cold shiver ran down Chan’s neck. Oh shit. Minho's birthday was tomorrow!

"No," Changbin said, crossing his arms, "you haven't really forgotten Minho's birthday."

"I ..." Chan replied with a croak.

"I mean, if that had happened to Jisung," Jeongin continued, whereupon a protesting "Hey!" came from the accused.

A laugh went through the group.

"Man, everything’s cool," Minho said and put his hand on Chan's shoulder, "I know that you’re stressed. But you already know that I want to go to Masan with all of you. It’ll be the coolest birthday ever.”

Chan nodded and smiled at him before reaching for Minho's hand. “And? How do you feel?"

"You mean because I’ll be 17?" Minho smiled. “I'm not really worried. I got a doctor's test.”

A whisper went through the entire group.

"Really?!", Jisung and Felix yelled at the same time.

Minho nodded. “Yes, I was too curious. I was actually sure anyway, because my parents are Betas.” He raised his arms and shrugged, grinning. “Well, seems like I’m one too. Let's see when the tattoo comes.”

It was almost surreal how calmly Minho took it. He did not make a fuss about it, so the others had not really thought of asking him.

Then why was Chan put on the podium? Because he was the head boy? Well, that would change soon anyway.

"I still have to go to the secretariat," he told and left his group of friends to go to the floor above them. His heart was pounding wildly, but he did not want to back down either. He had made up his mind. It did not work anymore anyway. If he resigned, then it would be halfway in dignity (or at least in the bit of dignity he had left).

He entered the secretariat. “Excuse me, I have to speak to the principal.”

"He has an appointment."

“I'm waiting. Because it's very urgent.”

After Chan had explained why he wanted to resign, he received a certificate. He also wrote Junhyeok’s name down so that he could apply for the change directly. The next double lesson had already started, but that was not a problem. After all, he was able to apologize at any time through his head boy duties. Even if that would not be the case for much longer.

During the second big break he went to the school board room hoping (or fearing) to meet Junhyeok there. And indeed: he was standing at the desk, doing the finances.

"Here," Chan said, slamming the paper onto the table, "Sign it."

Junhyeok looked intently at the piece of paper before he opened his eyes. “Are you serious?"

Chan gritted his teeth. “Of course I'm serious. I don't want to see you on the school board anymore. And if you really want the change, you can get it. That whole thing isn’t worth it to me.”

Junhyeok snorted and looked directly at Chan. “How so? I thought this position means everything to you.”

"It’s more important to me that I stay true to myself."

“Oh yes? So do you vouch for your Omega status? Then you could shout it out into the world.”

Chan froze and stared at Junhyeok with a relentless look. What was that about? He was ready to give his will to the other person and still he kicked him, even though he was already on the ground. It sucked. Chan wanted to hit him right in the face.

“I'm not just  _ any _ Omega. Find someone else. I have higher standards,” Chan replied.

“Oh, for example Kim? That wannabe Alpha? He's definitely not even pure-blood.”

"And still far above your league," Chan countered and snorted, "And now sign. Otherwise I really have to hit you. ”

The two held a staring competition until Junhyeok finally reached for the pen and scribbled his signature on it. Chan took the certificate and checked the paper.

"So, you won’t be my vice?"

"Never. Instead I’ll be free," Chan replied and put the paper away. "You can look for someone else as a vice. And stay away from me, Matthew and my friends in general, otherwise you can pray for your life.” Chan admonished his index finger into Junhyeok's chest.

"Wow, so Bang Chan’s so weak and gives in," Junhyeok called after him, just when Chan had wanted to leave the room.

He took a deep breath and turned his head to him. "I’m weak and I’m giving in." He slit his eyes. "But that's better than letting you come an inch closer to me." With that he left the room.

* * *

The special form still had to be stamped, so it would be known on Monday that Chan would resign. Normally a new head boy could be only chosen through new elections. However, if there was a vice, they could become the new representative with the consent of both sides and the principal. The vice position could be elected again. 

Chan did not want to worry about that. After all, it was over now. He still could not quite believe it, but in fact his career as head boy was just… over.

He would have imagined it with more drama. A bang. Maybe tears.

No, instead the whole thing had happened formally and calmly. Was that better? He did not know.

Chan felt so numb that he could not even cry over it. Everything felt just so empty. It had meant so much to him to be the head boy and now he had lost his position. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall while waiting for his mother.

She wanted to pick him up again. She had taken other shifts for a while. Therefore, she worked more in the evenings and was able to be there for Chan. He did not want to be treated like a baby, but he could not stop it.

"See you later?" Minho then asked the group.

"Sure," Jeongin said and turned around to give Hyunjin a high five, "Then in the park at the big oak?"

"Sounds good," Matthew answered, looking at his wristwatch, "Ah, but I really have to go now so I can eat something before training." He said goodbye and gave Chan a brief but significant look before walking to the bike racks with Minho.

"Let’s go to training then," Seungmin said to Jeongin and Jisung, who nodded.

"You're still in, aren't you?" Felix asked Chan.

He smiled weakly. “Yeah, sure."

He had no other choice.


	25. "You are strong. So strong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> The following chapter contains a scene of sexual harassment in the form of grabbing the victim, slut shaming and touching without permission.
> 
> If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, please take care of yourself and make sure that you only proceed if you are stable enough. Also watch out if you are uncomfortable with it in general.
> 
> Stay safe.

Chan sat on the bed thinking and gazed at his backpack. He wanted to take it with him just in case, because he could already see how his friends plunged into the near death from all the stairs in the city. It would be wiser to take a first aid kit with him. However, Chan had never run with a backpack. Actually, it would be pretty annoying anyway.

"Man, but I can't just go like that," he murmured, standing up. He had already changed his clothes and was wearing sweatpants and a track jacket over a t-shirt. It was a little cooler today, but not cold. Actually the perfect weather, because the sun was shining pleasantly and did not burn the skin.

Still, Chan did not feel like leaving. After all, he would see Matthew again. It was ridiculous, because on the one hand he wanted to be with him, but on the other hand he would like to avoid him for a while.

A sigh escaped him as he pinned his curls back with bobby pins so the hair strands would not keep falling on his face. In the end, he decided not to take the backpack with him. He could put his keys in the pockets of his pants. He did not want to carry anything more with him. Any unnecessary weight would be disruptive.

So he went downstairs and entered the living room, where his mother was sitting with Lucas and Hannah. "Oh, where are you going?" she asked, smiling, apparently relieved that Chan did not want to hide in his room again.

"Meeting the boys outside," Chan replied, looking out the balcony window to check the weather again.

“Sounds good. When will you be at home?"

“Dunno. But definitely before 9pm.”

She nodded. “If not, then call me. ”

Chan raised his head. Right. He had not even thought about his cell phone. He looked around and discovered that he had left it on the dining room table.

“How are you?"

Chan shrugged, leaned against the wall, and folded his arms. "I gave up my head boy position," he said.

His mother's jaw dropped, but she quickly got back and cleared her throat. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

Did Chan want that? He did not know. But then he would have to explain the situation with Junhyeok, and that was far too uncomfortable for him. He would like to be silent about it forever, shoveling more and more shame on his conscience.

He shook his head and raised his hand. "I'm leaving then."

Chan arrived at the big oak a little early, but it had never been the case that everyone was on time anyway. He closed his eyes and leaned against the trunk of the tree. The wind blew through his hair and cooled his face. He took a deep breath and enjoyed the fresh air which entered his body through his nose. It felt like it could clean him.

"Oh, you're already here."

Chan opened his eyes and blinked in surprise. “Matt. I thought you'd come later because of your mother.”

The older smiled. “There was not much to do as usual.” He raised his arms and shrugged his shoulders.

Chan nodded.

There was silence and for the first time it was uncomfortable between the two.

Chan looked away as he noticed that the other was staring at him.

"Chan," Matthew began, "If you want me to leave you alone, you can tell me. I can handle that.”

Chan wanted to reply something, but Matthew continued, "And if you think that I want you because you’re an Omega, you’re simply wrong."

Chan closed his mouth again and swallowed hard. Apparently he had lost all communication skills. He only felt the huge lump in his throat and he could not swallow it.

Matthew sighed and took his hand. “Maybe you're embarrassed. I can understand that. But you're still like ... so incredibly great and strong and I- ”

"Don't," Chan muttered, "Don't say it."

Matthew squeezed Chan's hand. “Why? I don’t understand you. I know you're hurt, but do you know what you’re doing to me?”

Chan looked at him in surprise. As silly as it sounded, he had not really thought about how Matthew was doing. The only thing he thought about was what Matthew's intentions were. It sounded totally stupid, but apparently he had forgotten that the other person had the ability to feel strong emotions just like him.

"It'll hurt if you say no, but having to interpret vague signals is much worse," Matthew admitted, looking openly at Chan.

Chan breathed out, trembling. He thought about the situation with Junhyeok again and compared him to Matthew. The two were so different. Why did he mistrust the other one anyway? Or ... did he distrust himself?

He released Matthews' hand only to pull him into an embrace. He inhaled the usual scent of ginger and closed his eyes. How much he had missed the other's closeness. He had been feeling like he would die because of his desperation. 

Matthew returned the hug and stroked the back of Chan's head soothingly.

Chan leaned back and took Matthew's face in his hands. "I missed you so much," he breathed aloud, "I'm sorry. But I …"

He did not get any further because Matthew bridged the last few inches and pressed his lips to the corner of Chan's mouth before sliding further and finally giving an awkward but tender kiss on his soft lips.

Chan was about to respond when he suddenly felt someone's presence. He pushed Matthew back and saw Felix, Hyunjin and Jisung standing there in confusion.

"Oh um ...", Hyunjin said embarrassed, "S-should we go?"

Chan could not process the situation and automatically pushed Matthew away, which the older accepted with a slightly hurt look. Otherwise, he showed no further emotion.

"I was only helping Chan," Matthew said calmly, "He had something in his eye."

"Ah, yes, of course," Felix said, and was quite perplexed himself.

There was an awkward silence, but thank God Minho interrupted it. He had Changbin behind him and was already calling the others. It was not long before Seungmin and Jeongin showed up (the two had been stopped by traffic).

"Good, how about the skating park?" Minho asked, rubbing his hands.

"Which way are we taking?" Changbin questioned, still stretching.

Chan tapped his chin. “Down to the playground to the lake and then to the stone paths?”

The others confirmed.

“How about a little race? Whoever loses has to give out drinks next time,” Jisung challenged.

"You always lose bets like this," Hyunjin teased.

"Shut up."

Minho laughed. “I’m in. Only paths over obstacles are allowed, unless there is only meadow, understand? Are you ready?" He counted down from three and at “Start!” everyone began running.

The adrenaline rushed through Chan's body immediately. They arrived at the playground and he climbed up the scaffolding, swung himself over the rings and slid under the wooden beam onto the raised platform. He rolled off and grabbed the bar before sliding down. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Felix running over the seesaw and finally grabbing the chains of a swing to jump over the seat.

He laughed automatically because it was such a liberating feeling, especially when the wind came up and blew his face.

The children playing became silent and watched the nine boys who acrobatically crossed the playground. The mothers on the benches also stopped talking and watched Jisung and Felix helping each other over an obstacle.

"I'll win!" Hyunjin rejoiced. He was indeed a pretty quick runner.

However, Felix immediately overtook him when he jumped off the climbing wall with a Tic Tac and landed in front of him, while Hyunjin had to take the conventional route. "Only in your dreams!" he yelled cheekily.

They ran across the meadow down to the lake. Most chose to walk around the water, but Jeongin was brave enough and took the slabs. Since he was able to move very lightly, it was no problem for him to cross the lake without complications. Like this he was able to catch up to the upper half.

The last stop was the stone paths. These forked up and formed kind of a labyrinth between the green, densely overgrown hedges. There were also all sorts of benches, small fountains and other slabs which led between flower bushes.

Chan lost sight of his opponents and therefore concentrated on getting out of here as quickly as possible. He jumped on one of the benches and stood on the backrest before climbing over a fence. He looked around several times and slid under a railing with an underbar. He paused briefly and checked the situation as he tried to find some orientation point.

In fact, he spotted the top of a statue which he knew was next to the skater park. He nodded as if to confirm himself before starting to run again.

He came out of the labyrinth as second. Surprisingly, Seungmin was at the forefront. Chan should not be surprised. He was the tactical runner and always chose the shortest paths because he did not like the trickery.

Chan smiled. Actually, the younger one was so unenthusiastic and now he was at the top. Chan could easily catch up with him because he was the fastest runner.

But he did not do it.

Instead, he stayed close behind Seungmin and let him enter the skating rink as the first person. The boy looked around in confusion and sighed. "Man, did they go on without me?"

Chan laughed behind him, whereupon Seungmin turned around. "No, you're first." He patted him on the shoulder. "Congratulations, man."

Seungmin blinked. "You’re kidding me."

Chan shook his head. “I’m not. The others probably won't find their way out of the labyrinth soon.”

Seungmin just laughed. "You only have to orientate yourself in the position of the sun." He pointed high into the sky.

Chan shrugged. "Well, you have something ahead of us."

Seungmin said nothing before smiling. “Hm, maybe parkour running isn't so bad after all.”

After a while the others came running. The last was Changbin, who groaned in frustration. "Man, I wouldn’t have lost if it had not been that damn hedge!" he swore.

Chan patted him comfortingly on the back. "Next time you’ll win."

"It's easy to say so if you are always first," Felix mocked.

Chan laughed. “I wasn’t first. Seungmin was here before.”

An appreciative murmur came back as an answer before Seungmin was congratulated.

They took a short break and then started running on the skating ground.

"Look at this!" Felix shouted and jumped before making a 360 degree turn. He landed on the floor safely and continued in the catwalk.

"You were definitely a cat in your last life," Jisung commented, climbing the various ramps.

"And you a squirrel!" Felix said.

They then played a round of jam session. The rounds brought Felix and Chan together in the final because Felix was the climbing monkey and artist among them, while Chan was multifaceted and it was therefore difficult to imitate him. He even mastered the Tic Tac, with which Felix usually knocked out his opponents.

The other Stray Kids members cheered and shouted as they clapped. Some of the skaters there were visibly irritated, but did not complain because they themselves were too fascinated by the group's work.

In the end, Chan won with an arm jump because Felix slipped while doing it. His grips were not as firm as those of the older, which is why he had to give up.

"That was funny," Hyunjin claimed, "Should we go to the city?"

“For sure. Let's go,” Jisung replied.

The group moved on and jogged leisurely before starting to pick up speed again. However, this time they ran together, overcame various obstacles and left the park.

Chan thought it was incredible. They hardly had anything with them. There were only their own bodies and the environment. He suddenly felt as if he could reach every goal just by running. It gave him such freedom that he wanted to scream out loud with relief. He had not felt so powerful in a long time. It felt like he could conquer the whole world.

They came to the market square and played a ball game there, albeit with a tennis ball (it would have been impractical to take bigger balls with them). The asphalt was made of different colored stones, which is why ring patterns were created on the floor. In one of these rings they always put the one who had to catch the balls, claiming the others as “burned”.

The passers-by were visibly confused. Walking between them without bumping into them made the challenge even more exciting. Since the boys were genuinely careful when running, they did not really bother anyone. Some even stayed there to watch.

Since they could not be distributed evenly between the teams, there was always someone who just counted the points so that the game remained fair.

The funniest moment was when Jisung ran and panicked to find a safe spot since the finish line was too far away. Before Jeongin yelled “Burned!”, he hung on one of the planted trees and dangled from the branch.

The boys died of laughter when they saw Jisung hanging there like a sloth.

“Oh my god, hurry up! My arms hurt! ” the suffering traceur complained.

They finished the round and clapped.

“That was so cool! ”

“We’re just awesome."

"Let's just conquer the whole neighborhood!"

They hung in their arms and laughed boisterously as they walked down the square in a group and turned into the shopping street. They were all thirsty, but since they did not really want to take anything with them, they used the public drinking water fountain. Then Seungmin checked the watch. “It's already six o'clock. Should we do something else?”

"We could go through the smaller streets," Felix suggested, "There are also cool railings there. Towards the city theater.”

"Okay, but let’s take it easy," Changbin clicked into the conversation, "I need a break."

So they walked down the alleys. Only now and then Felix did a trick. Chan joined him at some point and climbed over the banisters before even hanging onto a balcony and pulling up.

"What are you doing?" Changbin asked.

"Those are old buildings anyway," Chan explained, "Nobody lives there." He climbed over the ladder and came down again.

"Careful," Matthew warned, "It's dangerous."

Chan raised an eyebrow. "Oh, says the one who climbs through my window in the evening."

As a result, the group became very quiet, while everyone shared meaningful looks.

Chan blushed and bit his lip. Could he not just shut up?

Matthew did not know what to say to that either, so Felix took over the talking again: "So I want to do a parkour run in the shopping center, two streets away. Just imagine climbing the escalators.” 

"We're going to get into trouble," Chan said, "It’s already dangerous out here. But we can't do stunts in a building.”

"And the factory?" Felix asked with puppy eyes.

Chan sighed heavily. “Depends which factory you mean. Some are extremely dangerous. We could just keep walking out here or I'll book lessons again. But I don't want anyone to get hurt.”

"Yeah, Alpha leader, got it," Felix replied, not really pissed off but rather disappointed.

Chan tensed at the statement and looked up at the sky before jogging. This also gave the others the impetus to move again. That was why they split up in little groups again and explored the area. However, they kind of remained together until there were several junctions at the end of the road.

"They all lead to the theater at some point," Seungmin explained, "Should we split up entirely?"

"Yeah."

Chan was then only jogging with Changbin. While Changbin jumped over a wall, Chan balanced on a longer balcony until he held onto the lantern and swung down.

"Tell me, is everything okay between you and Matt?"

Chan shook his head. He did not want to lie anymore. He still could not talk about his identity as an Omega, but at least from there he just did not want to lie to his best friend anymore. Changbin did not deserve that.

“What happened?"

Chan sighed. “I think ... I don't know. He ... likes me?” he murmured.

Changbin stopped and blinked before laughing loudly. "Dude, of course he does. Are you blind?"

Yes and no. Chan had been suspecting it for a while, Changbin made it sound like he was years late with that discovery.

“Is it that bad? I thought you liked him too.”

Chan swung himself under the railing of some stairs and sighed before jogging again. “I do. He’s a good person."

“What’s the problem then? 

Chan did not know how to put it. “Everything. It overwhelms me. We’re friends. Good friends. I don't want to risk that.” At least that was partly true. The other, more crucial Alpha-Omega part was left out for now.

“You’ve been friends for 13 years. Even if it doesn't work, your friendship will always stand it.” Changbin smiled confidently at him.

On the one hand, he was right. On the other hand, not. After all, he only knew half the story and that was not his fault either.

They turned and thus reached another alley. According to Chan's memory, it should be the one which had been taken by Matthew and Minho. At least he saw Matthew from afar. "Let's catch up," he said, and ran again before slowing down.

Matthew seemed to be arguing with a person who was about his height. Still they seemed older.

Chan took a deep breath.

An Alpha.

His heart was racing. 

He immediately turned to Changbin. "Run and find the others," he informed, "I'm helping Matt."

Changbin seemed to hesitate before nodding. After all, he trusted the other.

As he left the alley, Chan came closer and could finally understand what the two were discussing about.

"I wasn’t in your area on purpose," Matthew explained calmly, "I just wanted to rush through. I'm currently doing parkour running with my friends.”

“Are you kidding me? You wanted to spread your crappy pheromones! This is our place!”

This Alpha probably also had friends who made the area their own.

Those groups in the city could not be exactly called gangs - that would be a bit over the top. There were only these prolets who gathered in a bunch of idiots and made their residential area their property. Of course they were Alphas. Arrogant Alphas who wanted to exercise their power. If another Alpha entered the area without permission, there would be problems.

Stray Kids had never thought about it before - after all, no one had been verified and therefore had not released any pheromones. Chan had not even thought that from now on they should be careful when they got to remote places.

Chan stepped behind Matthew and put his hand on his shoulder. "Sorry, we didn't want to enter your area. We were on our way to the theater.” He bowed slightly. In situations like this, it did not help to be offensive. After all, it could be very dangerous.

The Alpha snorted. “Is that so? That Alpha wuss was hanging around here.”

"Sometimes you do that in the parkour running," Chan said, "He certainly didn't want to annoy you with it."

The Alpha leaned forward and pressed his finger against Chan's chest, trying to say something before he stopped. “Huh? What do we have here?” He seemed to sniff and closed his eyes. “An Omega. I thought you were an Alpha too.”

Chan's heart sank.

The pills.

Had he taken his pills?

The last time it had been this morning. The effect was definitely starting to wear off.

Now the other Alpha grinned. “Wow, that's interesting. You don't often meet Omegas just like that. Especially not Omegas who are that pretty.”

Chan wanted to throw up, which one could see from the expression on his face.

"An offer: I'll let you go," he said to Matthew before pulling Chan to himself, "and you leave me your extremely interesting companion."

Every colour on Matthew’s face disappeared. Apart from that, however, he remained calm: "Let him go."

“Come on, that's probably the least you can do. You know, for running into my area.”

Chan felt the stranger's breath on his neck and swallowed hard. He was completely overwhelmed. He would have never thought of getting into such a situation. He was not mentally prepared for that. Usually, he always thought of something in times of crisis, but his head was just swept empty.

"No, let him go," Matthew repeated, "Chan’s  _ my _ Omega, so back off."

“So his name is Chan? How cute,” the other Alpha replied unbothered, “If he's  _ your _ Omega, why doesn't he wear a collar?”

“That’s none of your business.”

The Alpha laughed unimpressed. “So he's secretly a slut? Is that why he refuses to wear a collar? Sad." He buried his nose in Chan's hair. “He smells incredibly good. So sweet. It's really cute. I've never seen an Omega like this. Kinda attributes of an Alpha, but still so … soft and, you know, fuckable.”

The stranger put both hands on Chan's shoulders and ran over it as he sniffed, evidently enraptured by the smell. "Man, it almost hurts that such a wimp like you gets such a jewel." He ran his thumb over Chan's slightly trembling lower lip. "The blowjobs he gives must be fucking great. With those lips. You probably fuck his tight ass all day." He hit Chan’s bum slightly as he wanted to stress his words.

Matthew tensed his jaw as he slit his eyes. He clenched his hands into fists.

"Or doesn’t he even let you do that?" A malicious laugh followed. “You have such an Omega and don't even fuck him properly? You’re pathetic. I’ll definitely serve him better."

It was obvious that Matthew wanted to do something. At the same time, he was afraid to let his anger run wild and take the wrong step, which in turn could result in Chan being injured. That was not allowed to happen. That was absolutely not-

There was a scream.

Matthew shook his head in confusion before looking at the Alpha, who was curled up on the floor and holding his mouth. Blood ran down his fingers.

Chan shook his hand and grimaced. Apparently the blow had hurt him as well. "Fuck!" he swore, looking at the Alpha.

Shortly thereafter, calls were heard. More people came from behind. They were probably the other Alphas.

"Let's get out of here!" Chan urged Matthew, reaching for his hand before pulling him along.

Matthew was perplexed, but started to move when he realized they had not escaped the danger yet.

Together they ran around the corner and used the winding streets to get rid of their pursuers.

Matthew helped Chan onto the balcony. From there, Chan pulled him up before they used the balusters to climb further up. However, they only dared to go up to the third floor and exhaled in relief when they heard the voices of the group passing by.

“That was …"

“Sick," Chan murmured and closed his eyes. Everything was spinning. Every inch of his body hurt. And yet ... he felt good. He was just glad that nothing had happened to either Matthew or him.

"Let me see," Matthew said, reaching for Chan's hand.

“It isn’t so bad."

The two looked at the scraped knuckles. Chan must have hit Alpha's teeth directly, which was why his hand was bleeding a little.

"I hope he lost a tooth," Chan muttered. He really was not an advocate of violence, but it had not been just about his safety, but also that of a friend. He would have acted like this for anyone from Stray Kids.

"You are ... incredible,” Matthew whispered, "you saved me. Again."

“Again?" Chan raised his eyebrows.

Matthew giggled. “Yes. Back in kindergarten too. You always take care of me so I don't get hit by, you know, big bad boys.” His eyes softened. "I'm sorry that I called you my Omega."

"You did it to protect me. You aren’t the only one who should be grateful.”

Matthew raised Chan's hand to his mouth and kissed the rough, but at least uninjured skin.

Chan inevitably blushed as he looked away, embarrassed.

"You are strong," whispered Matthew, "So strong."

"My secondary gender says otherwise," Chan replied in a weak voice.

Matthew then sighed and looked at Chan before resting an arm next to his head on the wall. “Don’t you understand that? Chan, this isn’t your secondary gender. It has nothing to do with it. You are strong because you have become strong through hard work. Your nature corresponds to perseverance, sacrifice and courage.”

Chan blinked several times before swallowing the big lump in his throat. Despite his conservative principles, was Matthew so clear in his head to really see him and not just an Omega?

“I don’t know."

“How don’t you know? I was just completely overwhelmed and you beated this asshole. You’ll never need an Alpha to protect you because you can take care of yourself. You underestimate yourself.” Matthew looked at him steadily.

Chan looked down and exhaled audibly through his nose. "Are you trying to tell me indirectly that you are losing all interest in me?" After all, Matthew wanted the perfect Omega.

One whom he could give a rose to confess to love, which Chan would refuse.

One whose tattoo he was allowed to kiss first, which Chan would refuse.

One he could give a collar to, which Chan would refuse.

In his own eyes, Chan was the worst Omega the world had ever seen.

Matthew shook his head. "I want to take care of you because I think you deserve it. It has nothing to do with you being allegedly weak.”

And this sentence pierced through Chan's heart, opened the lock of the chains around it and embraced it in full warmth. What should he think now?

He automatically put his arms around the other's neck and pulled him close, so that Matthew was basically between his legs. The two looked deeply into each other's eyes as the wind rose again.

Chan ran his thumb over Matthew's cheekbones and chewed on his lower lip. Had Matthew not provided enough evidence? He shook his head slightly. Evidence. It was actually ridiculous. Chan saw him as a good person. Why did he need confirmation for everything?

Matthew grabbed Chan's waist and was a little red in the face himself. It was a delightful sight.

Chan leaned forward and already felt the other's breath on his lips. He closed his eyes and put his forehead against Matthew's, pulling the other closer. This time he wanted to kiss him of his own accord, pressing his mouth against Matthew’s and putting all the pent-up feelings in this gesture.

Matthew, too, had closed his eyes and was waiting for his indirect confession of love to be returned.

Suddenly Chan's cell phone rang and the two got frightened. They looked at each other flustered until Chan reached into his pocket and took out the beeping device. He cleared his throat and rubbed his hair as Matthew looked embarrassed over the balcony railing into the distance.

“Changbin? Yes, Matt and I are fine," Chan replied, looking sheepishly at the older one, "We're on our way."


	26. "Then you'd hate Jinseok too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> If you have experiences with self-harm and depression, you might skip the last paragraphs of this chapter. Or at least do not read it alone. 
> 
> Stay safe.

"You have to tell that one more time."

The boys were sitting in the schoolyard, looking at the clouds. Until just now, Seungmin had been singing his choral pieces, but he had become silent as soon as this topic was raised again.

"Matt had a fight with an Alpha and we ran away," Chan summarized rather listlessly. He was laying with his head in Changbin's lap and stared up at the blue sky tent which beamed over them today. In contrast to that his mood was pretty shitty. He did not know why the situation bothered him so much. Maybe it was the fact that his grudge against Alphas grew more and more.

Matthew was probably an exception among these primitive idiots.

"Well, after you had knocked out a few teeth," Matthew added pointedly, biting into his sandwich.

"Yeah, that too." Chan looked at the bandage around his hand, embarrassed but still slightly smiling. It still hurt, but the feeling of triumph prevailed.

The others looked at each other and giggled.

"Man, you tell it so casually, although you would have been almost beaten up by an entire mob of Alphas," Minho said, shaking his head, "you two really are a dream team."

"You just cannot get over it, huh?" Chan sat up and took a bite of the waffle which Felix held out to him. Chewing, he fixed his eyes on the clouds. "Somehow I don't see anything today."

"Neither do I," Jisung agreed, "maybe that's kind of a bad omen?"

"For what?" Seungmin asked skeptically.

Jisung shrugged and watched intently for possible forms, but was unsuccessful. “No idea. Maybe something bad will happen today.”

And Chan also knew what.

As if one wanted to confirm his thoughts, an announcement, which could be heard all over the courtyard, vibrated through the boxes:  _ "Today in the second big break, every student has to come to the auditorium. The principal wants to make an announcement.” _

Instantly people started whispering to each other.

Changbin frowned. "Do you know anything about this?"

Chan nodded. "But I'm not allowed to talk about it," he said, "you'll learn about it anyway." He smiled weakly. "Let's just change the subject. Hyunjin, how's the swim team doing?”

So they talked about the preparations for the competition. The weekend before the holidays would be the next round and the team could qualify for the quarter-finals. Chan was still praying for his team and was proud, although he was still extremely depressed about not being able to participate.

At the end of the break, Chan had maths with Matthew and Minho. However, he could hardly focus on the tasks, after all, he knew what would happen in the second big break. And he had no idea if he could cope mentally with so much gossip about himself again. But well, at least he was released from his duties as head boy. Maybe everything could get better afterwards.

"Chan?" Mr. Yi looked at him a little skeptically. "Since you have time to dream, you probably also have time to solve this problem on the blackboard."

The students whispered. Some even giggled.

Chan suppressed an eye roll. Why were most of the boys at school just such idiots? The girls were much less mocking.

He rose and picked up the chalk. "In order to obtain a function without an integral for the growth of the palm, I use a variable for the upper limit," he began to explain and wrote the calculation down, "The value is always zero, because from there also the graph for the height always begins to count.” He formed the integral sign and wrote the calculation down. "Then I integrate as I would normally do and use the variable and zero." His hand darted across the board and he kept checking the task to make sure the information was correct. "So in the end it is plus two. Since the palm already has a metre at the beginning I'll add the number one. The x variable of the function can be used for the u variable. And that's the equation.” He drew a follow-up arrow and copied the function.

The teacher looked at him somewhat perplexed. After all, they had not dealt with the integral that far. Chan had randomly opened a page yesterday when doing homework and had only seen that the upper limit could also be used for variables to solve certain tasks, so he had basically just played poker.

"Yeah, that was ... right," Mr. Yi muttered and the students had finally stopped chatting.

Chan crouched next to Minho again and rested his chin on his palm. "What?" he asked when he noticed that the other was staring at him.

"Nothing. You just surprise me every time," Minho said with a grin, "Sometimes I think that there are no limits for you."

Chan smiled weakly. "Everyone has their limits." Even with opened graphs there was sometimes a finite area against plus infinity. Chan's life was probably no exception. And his limits were the mentalities which showed him that he could not handle all the pressure anymore. He was tired of waking up to sickness every morning and having to go to school, knowing that he would not be able to do his job when there were so many guys who were into their Apha-proletarian-garbage-behaviour.

Chan had to accept that, but it made him sad. After all, the girls here did not deserve it. This was still a comprehensive school. If he were no longer head boy, who could still stand up for the protection of minorities?

In the second big break, all the students gathered in the auditorium. Since there were so many, some of them were standing at the galleries as well.

Rector Jung stood in front and tapped the microphone on the desk. "Be quiet, please."

Everyone was immediately silent.

"Surely you all wonder why I show up here today. I wanted to announce something: a change for the head boy position.”

The murmur started immediately.

Chan felt the stares in his back, but ignored them.

"Chan wants to resign due to personal circumstances. Thus Junhyeok will be the new headboy.”

It was unexpected, but many boys started bawling and clapping. The girls looked at each other worriedly and shook their heads desperately.

Chan closed his eyes and tried to hide everything. His chest was tied up and he felt nothing but emptiness. He would never have thought that he would simply give up his position.

Insane. It was insane.

"Please come forward, you two."

Chan got up. Junhyeok came from the other side of the auditorium. The two stood side by side in front of the rector, who turned to the side. "I want you both to confirm the change here, in front of everyone. Chan, are you aware that you are losing all admissions and privileges as head boy? Are you ready to give up your position completely?”

Chan nodded and said loudly and clearly: "I'm absolutely sure."

"Junhyeok, do you feel able to take on all the responsibilities of a head boy?"

Junhyeok stared at Chan for a long time before confirming with a short "yes".

Had Chan not been so dead serious, he would have compared the situation to a wedding. A wedding from hell.

"Chan, please give Junhyeok your badge.”

Chan knew it was an act of respect to put the badge on Junhyeok's jacket himself, but he was extremely disgusted by touching the other. Still, he managed to hand over the sign without vomiting on Junhyeok's shoes.

"Students, this is your new head boy: Lee Junhyeok!”

There was applause.

"Chan, thank you for your previous services.” The principal shook hands with both of them and dismissed the students.

As soon as he had left the crowd splitted up. Some wanted to congratulate Junhyeok, while others wanted to speak to Chan.

In the end, his friends prevailed. They almost attacked him.

"Chan! What the hell?"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"You can't let Junhyeok take the position!”

Chan did not know what to do with all the questions. Everything was fuzzy to him. He could not react. But he could still see Changbin's disappointed look.

"You didn't tell me anything. Again," he muttered, "Chan, the school board ... that was the last thing we had left as our thing and you ..." He bit his lip.

"He definitely doesn't mean it that way," Felix said, "Chan has his reasons, _ right, Chris? Chris?” _

Chan's eyelid twitched slightly before he turned away to avoid looking at his friends. Everything could have been so nice and good and simple. But no. He kept lying. Riding himself deeper and deeper into the chaos. Over and over again, he let his secondary gender rule over him.

"You say all the time, you don't need a vice because you can do it all by yourself and now you give up your position?" Changbin asked desperately, "I don't understand you! Explain it to me!” He went to Chan and grabbed the collar of his shirt. "Can't you even stop lying to me?!"

"Changbin!"

The others dragged the two apart, leaving Chan under protection from Hyunjin and Felix, while Matthew and Minho kept Changbin at bay. In between, the rest was spread out and made even more space between them.

"Arguing is not helpful!" Seungmin stated.

Chan closed his eyes. He felt like he would faint at any time. He wanted to curl up in his nest again and forget everything around him. But no, he was here. And he would have to go straight to the Japanese class.

The doorbell rang promptly, and he picked himself up and walked away from his group of friends. They were still visibly shocked. Only Matthew watched him resignedly.

Chan entered the classroom, where everyone immediately fell silent. He shuffled to his seat and dropped his bag on the floor before looking at the tabletop.

There were doodles on it. Ugly faces and insults like  _ wuss _ or  _ useless shit _ ,  _ what are you still doing here? _ . He lifted his head up, but all the students looked away as if they had not noticed.

Chan sighed and got paper towels which he smeared with soap. The mess did not go away though, which is why he was still scrubbing when the teacher came in.

"Who was that?" he asked sternly, but no one answered.

The mess could not be wiped away, so Chan was sitting at his dirty table. After the double lesson, he was unable to continue the school day and freed himself from the lessons at the secretary. At least he would not have to meet his friends again.

His mother would be worried again - he knew that. Whether he could explain to her more exactly what was going on remained questionable. He did not even have any orientation.

When he arrived in his room, he looked around, lost, as if he also needed an instruction to go to his bed. When he stared at his feet, he felt incredible pressure on his ears, pressure which also seemed to go to his eyes. It did not even hurt. Rather, it felt like he was pushed into a pool with foam.

Chan started building a nest again. At the same time, he wished that Matthew was there so that he could lie down with him. It would also be nice to steal the older's clothes so that he could use them to build his nest. Like this he would always have the smell of sweet ginger around him. He shook his head slightly and laughed at his own cheesy thoughts before burying himself between blankets and pillows.

He laid there for a few hours until he heard the front door slam shut. He was sorry that he had not picked Hannah up again, but he just needed a break. In the meantime it did not matter whether he deserved it, he needed it. Even if he could still move to school, everything would pull past him like an insignificant breeze.

He heard a knock on his door and made a muffled "Come in". The door swung open and his mother was standing in the room.

"Chan, what happened this time?" she asked out of breath. She had Lucas in her arms and looked quite stressed. Probably because she was pretty stressed. First picking up Lucas, then Hannah and eventually worrying about the eldest.

"Nothing," Chan replied, pulling the blanket over his body. Suddenly he was incredibly cold.

She frowned at him. "Chan ..."

“The students at my school annoy the hell out of me. Especially the Alphas. I hate Alphas. I’m glad that I’m not one of them.”

Yes, Chan hated this system so much that he blamed the Alphas now. He even blamed Matthew because he was so terribly in love with the older but afraid to do anything about it.

Chan's mother sat on his bed and gently stroked his head. She let Lucas crawl over the mattress.

"But Chan," she whispered, trying to smile encouragingly, "Then you'd hate Jinseok too."

“I do hate him. Somehow,” Chan grumbled and sat up. He rubbed his face and hugged a pillow. He could hardly keep his eyes open, he was extremely tired. "Man, I don't know," he sighed, "If it weren’t for Junhyeok, I'd still be the head boy."

"But you resigned voluntarily, didn't you?"

Voluntarily.

Yeah, exactly. As if Chan would give up his position as head boy voluntarily. That was ridiculous. Did his mother even listen to herself?

“Yes. It doesn't really matter anyway.” He buried himself under blankets and pillows again.

“It does matter. Chan, you don't normally miss classes, but it's been happening quite often lately.” She paused. "Maybe you should see a therapist."

Chan made a frustrated sound and curled up. No, he had never needed any help. He was the one who always gave hope to other people. How could he have a mental crack?

“Think about it. I'll make something to eat first. You probably had no lunch.”

As if it was commanded, Chan's stomach growled.

She laughed softly and left the room, but left the door open, whereupon Hannah took her chance to sneak up to her brother. "Chris!"

"Not now, Hannah," Chan said, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"But I made something in kindergarten today!"

Chan sighed heavily and sat up. “Okay, show me then.”

She looked at him closely. ”Did you cry?"

Chan touched his cheeks and felt the salt crust of his tears. "Nah, it’s nothing," he mumbled anyway. He looked at the flower in Hannah's hands and took it. “Oh, wow. It’s beautiful."

"Yes, today the educators showed us how to make origeni."

Chan breathed softly. "You mean origami."

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! Matt told me that he liked daisies when we painted together.”

Chan cocked his head thoughtfully to one side and looked at the flower. Indeed. It was a daisy. "But shouldn't you give it to him then?"

"He told me that he likes daisies because of you."

Chan could not reply to this, since Hannah was called by their mother in the next second: "Hannah! Your shoes are all over the place again!”

"Oops." The little girl grinned and slid off the mattress. She paused briefly in the doorway and looked at Chan before sighing heavily. "I know I can't marry Matt. Unfortunately I'm too young.” She pouted before smiling. "That's why you have to do it for me!"

"Wha-"

Giggling she went down the stairs and sang her favourite song “My Bonnie's over the ocean”.

Chan looked at the flower and finally put it on his bedside table next to his cell phone. He took the device and checked his messages, only to find that both Changbin and Felix had texted him. He wanted to answer, but then found no strength to do so and instead played some music over his box before burying himself in his nest again.

He did not feel like doing anything anymore. Not even sleeping. The mere existence was exhausting because the knot in his chest was getting tighter. He swallowed hard and rolled onto his stomach before pressing his hand against his heart, feeling it cramp while his throat was narrow.

What was left for him?

He had given up swimming.

He had given up being head boy.

He had given up Matthew.

… right?

Chan narrowed his eyes and exhaled trembling. Was this necessary? Did he still have to block this part of his life? When Matthew had already told him that he saw him as more than an Omega?

Chan did not even know who to trust if he could not even trust himself. He slowly straightened up and shuffled over to the window to open it. The cold air streamed in, and once again he wished the other would just stand down there, wave to him, and then climb the tree, although Chan thought it was too dangerous.

He bit his lower lip and noticed how his eyes started burning again. He clawed his fingernails and exhaled, trembling, almost out of anger. All this frustration built up in him, like water which hit the dam inside of him more and more. And this dam was so stubborn; that was why he first had to cry tears and suffer longer before he gave in under the weight and got lost in the whirlpool of thoughts.

Chan ran his hands almost panicked across the desk, searched for something, opened his pencil case, turned it over, and spread out all the writing utensils on the solid wood.

His eyes fell on the scissors before he froze.

He took a half step back, incredulous at what he had just thought for a split second.

At the same time, the urge to drill the metal into his flesh increased. Somewhere he hoped that he could finally feel something other than this emptiness. Just to feel that he was still alive. That he was there. That it was real. That he still had feelings.

Shaking, he reached out and touched the handle of the scissors, but flinched as if he had burned himself. Even if he yearned for the relief which this tool promised, he was afraid. He did not like pain and yet he bathed in it daily. So why not just go for it? To test how far he would have to go to completely collapse?

Chan took his set square and put the plastic tip on his forearm. He hid himself under all the long clothes anyway because his entire torso was poisoned. He did not dare to show skin because he was ashamed of this tattoo on his rib.

Slowly he pulled the set square along his arm and felt the slight burn. A red trail remained, but faded. Still, it had felt ... liberating.

Chan ran over his arm again a couple of times until he heard his mother's calls: "Chan! Dinner's ready!"

_ "Yeah, I'm coming!" _ , he called back and threw the set square on the table before leaving the room.


	27. "I'm disappointed in you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> There are paragraphs which describe serious attempts of self-harm explicitly. If you have experiences with that or if you feel extremely uncomfortable reading such things, skip the part after Chan's call with Hyunjin. Or at least do not read it alone. 
> 
> Stay safe.

"People are going crazy, I swear!" Changbin pulled his hair and gestured accusingly at the smeared wall. There were practically declarations of war on it, framed in bold Alpha symbols.

“It's terrible. They practically want to kick the girls out of school”, Seungmin stated and stepped closer to the wall before tapping lightly on the paint, “Huh? It’s still fresh."

"Then they were here even before the first lesson," Changbin acknowledged, crossing his arms.

The students noticed the mess on their way to school and began to whisper.

"And of course it’s also on the outside of the building, so that all the people who drive past see it." Changbin clapped his hands on his face and groaned in annoyance. “Wonderful image for our school. We almost got rid of the filthy reputation."

Hyunjin patted his shoulder comfortingly.

The three stood helplessly in front of the school building and looked at the mishap which wandered across the walls in dark red.

"We really need Chan Hyung now," Seungmin claimed.

“I’d be surprised if he came,” Changbin muttered, “You can find all the hate speech about him everywhere and nowhere. Just so that you can see them, but it isn’t clear enough for the teachers to intervene. It's a pretty sophisticated plan to drag people on Junhyeok's side.”

“Man, that's bullshit,” Hyunjin grumbled, “Junhyeok’s head boy anyway now. What else do the people want from Chan?"

“This is his fanatical fan base,” Seungmin explained pointedly, “news that glorifies him in order to eliminate future competition. I think it's almost dictatorial."

“Creepy." Hyunjin quivered.

They decided that there was no point in standing around here. So they went into the school building and sat in the auditorium to look out for their friends.

At least the chaos on the panorama window was almost washed away completely. Then at least they did not have to look at that anymore.

"Anyway, don't worry too much about it," Changbin murmured, "I'll fix it." Even if he would much rather have Chan by his side for that.

“And what do you want to achieve? You’re a regular member of the school board. Perhaps you had a special position before that, thanks to Chan, but he's no longer in charge,” Seungmin replied while cleaning his glasses.

"Ouch," Changbin answered, a little offended.

"Look, there are Minho and Matt," Hyunjin said, pointing to the two.

They seemed to be talking rather agitatedly, which immediately caught the attention of the three friends. As soon as they got closer, they could hear the first snippets of their conversation:

“No, Minho! I won’t do this."

“Come on! What if he’s about to die now because of sadness?"

"Then I’m the last person he wants to see!"

The two never quarreled. Although that could hardly be called an argument. More of a heated debate.

Changbin raised his hands. “Whoa, whoa. What's going on with you guys?"

"Changbin, tell Matt he's a fucking idiot!" Minho ordered, crossing his arms.

Matthew sighed. "Fine, then I'm just an idiot."

"A _fucking_ idiot", Seungmin corrected dryly.

Matthew rolled his eyes. "Thanks for that."

"What is that about?", Hyunjin got back to the actual problem.

Then Matthew and Minho glanced at each other again, before Matthew began to speak: “Minho says I should go to Chan and drag him back to school. But I can't drag him here against his will if even Changbin can't do it.”

"Am I just getting roasted today for my low level of power in this situation?" Changbin interrupted and snorted, which made Seungmin say a dull "Ha Ha Ha" (honestly, you could compare it more with a defective engine rather than a human laugh).

"To be honest, I also doubt that it’d be helpful to force Chan," Seungmin argued.

In the next moment there was a bang. A loud roar could be heard and shortly afterwards Jisung and Felix were sliding through the auditorium on rollerblades while holding signs in the air. 

_**Justice for Bang Chan** and **Save the Community School!** _

"Wow, looks like the two of them already have a full program," Seungmin commented and frowned doubtfully.

Meanwhile Changbin’s jaw dropped, Matthew clapped his own hand on his forehead, Minho cheered them on and Hyunjin had a fit of laughter à la drama queen.

Jeongin walked past his two bawling friends and put his hand to the side of his face while he bent down slightly. He was obviously ashamed of the action.

"Innie, did you know about that?" Hyunjin asked and put his arm around the younger boy.

"I swear, I really did everything I could to stop them," he replied.

The students showed different reactions. Some looked distraught, others were very interested, while others were almost thrilled.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" someone barked from across the hall.

The two boys stopped immediately and the other students also looked to the source of the angry call.

Chan stood there with narrowed eyes and looked stern. "According to paragraph three, passage A, the use of bicycles, scooters, skateboards and various other means of transport is not permitted on the school’s grounds!"

It was incredible. Although he no longer wore his badge, the air trembled under his authority. Chan walked up to his friends and looked at the posters they were holding. "What the ..." He looked at it, irritated, before understanding what was going on.

Jisung and Felix grinned broadly at each other. Their beloved head boy was back again.

“What's going on here?!" Teacher Thong now stood in the auditorium and looked at Jisung and Felix before she saw the posters. She narrowed her eyes and hissed. "Okay, who is responsible for this mess?!" She spotted Chan's name on the poster and turned to the former head boy. “Chan, don’t say that you’re involved.” 

Jisung and Felix were about to protest before Chan gave a loud sigh. “Yes. It's my fault." He pressed his lips together and looked at the posters before turning his gaze to Thong. "It should be a joke. I’m sorry."

"I’m disappointed in you," Thong replied, "Just such an action proves that you have done enough as a head boy. Into the office, but right now!"

Chan bowed respectfully and walked past her before going up to the second floor.

"And you," she now turned to Felix and Jisung, "Get rid of these miserable roller things! Detention for both of you!"

"Yes, Ms. Thong," they replied in unison and took off their rollerblades before going to their friends.

“Congratulations. That went really bad,” Matthew grumbled.

"We just wanted to help," Jisung murmured.

“That was irresponsible of you two! Take a look at Chan. I wish he hadn't dared to go to school today,” Matthew said angrily. He was genuinely upset about their actions.

Some students laughed, obviously pleased that Chan was now falling down on the teachers' reputation list too. Still others were seriously shocked and discussed vigorously. The girls in particular looked depressed.

Matthew buried his hands in his hair and exhaled for a long time. He felt like he was drowning. He watched his kindergarten friend suffer and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Jin." Minho put a hand on his shoulder. “Chan’s tough. He’ll manage."

Seungmin looked at the clock and sighed loudly. "I hate being that person, but we're going to have classes in a few minutes."

The friends exchanged meaningful glances before dispersing to go to their classrooms.

Chan was twenty minutes late for social studies and apologized. "I had an appointment with Mr. Jung."

"I think pretty much everyone here has noticed," Lee replied. She did not even look away from the blackboard. "Now sit down."

Some students giggled. However, Chan did not drop his head in shame, but went to his seat with his chin up. He sat down and took out his things.

"Chan, why are you here?" Matthew whispered, frowning.

"Oh, so you think I'm mourning at home and crying into my pillow because of a few failures?" Chan said, starting to copy the notes on the blackboard.

Matthew bit his lip and carefully placed his hand on Chan's. “I didn’t mean it like that." He stroked with his thumb over the back of Chan's hand.

Chan stopped and stared at the paper. "I know, I’m sorry," he said finally, pulling away from the other.

During the long break, Felix came to meet his cousin, crying while he apologized a hundred times.

Chan just sighed and stroked his head. “It's not that bad, okay? Jung said I only have to clean the schoolyard for the next three weeks."

"Eww", it escaped the others.

“Yes, I know. But there are worse things,” Chan said, smiling weakly. Only now did it become apparent how tired he actually looked.

"Man, did you sleep at all last night?" Changbin asked worriedly and ran his thumb over Chan's dark eyebags.

Chan closed his eyes and nestled his face into the other’s hand. This in turn confused Changbin. Sure, Chan liked having physical contact, but right now it looked more like he was yearning for touch or comfort.

"I had a lot of trouble falling asleep," Chan said finally, and withdrew. He looked at Changbin carefully. "Are you still angry at me because I did not tell you that I gave up my position?"

“A little bit. But we have bigger problems right now. Those stupid Alphas are taking over the school." Changbin glanced at Matthew. "No offense tho."

Matthew just raised his hands defensively. "It’s alright."

"You’re welcome to go to our new, very competent head boy Lee Junhyeok for any sort of complaints," Chan said in a disgustingly smug tone before he got a grumpy expression.

“I don’t get it. Why are you handing over the position to someone like that?” Hyunjin asked.

"Please, let's talk about something else," Chan muttered.

"But ... first the swim team and now that," Hyunjin continued before Seungmin pulled his sleeve and looked at him admonishingly.

"Maybe I wasn't born to lead," Chan stated almost coldly, looking up at the ceiling.

“Is that a joke?”, Minho answered, “You had the attention of the entire auditorium within a second. So if that's not a leadership nature, then I don't know either."

Chan closed his eyes and hummed as a sign that he did not want to discuss further. His friends accepted that.

During the lunch break he was the first of the group in the canteen at their regulars’ table because the Chinese course had ended five minutes earlier. He poked and tortured his pasta until he noticed that he still had to swallow his pills. Fortunately, they had some in the pharmacy again to suppress the pheromones. In addition, he had to take the antidepressants which Doctor Lim had prescribed for him. His mother had insisted on that. He was sure that it was so much more than an Omega mood down. What he had were not Omega problems, but Chan problems.

Matthew came into the cafeteria alone and crouched at the table. "Hey."

"Hey," Chan mumbled, arranging his pills before pouring water into his glass. "Where's Minho?" Usually he and Matthew attended the advanced physics classes together.

“Still in the bathroom,” Matthew explained, tilting his head to one side as he watched Chan, “That’s quite much for pheromone suppression, isn't it? You don't smell that strong today anyway." Gradually, the mating season came to an end.

Step by step Chan swallowed the different pills. “Hm, the other ones are kind of antidepressants. My doctor gave me those after I had nested."

Matthew blinked several times before curling his lips slightly. "You started nesting?"

Chan raised his eyebrows and cleared his throat. "Do you know about that stuff?" he asked now in a lowered voice. His paranoia had only grown in the last few hours because people were watching him everywhere. It was almost unbearable.

Matthew nodded. “Sure. I know about all sorts of Omega stuff."

“Ah yeah, since you want your perfect little Omega."

“No, I want you. I've been researching it since I found out what your secondary gender is.”

Chan blushed and just looked at Matthew in confusion.

"And the fact that you are starting to nest is sadly fucking adorable," Matthew whispered in a husky voice, but had to let go of him because now the others came to their table.

Even though it was loud and lively at her table, Chan kept thinking about Matthew's words. After class, he watched some of the school council members gather. Apparently Junhyeok wanted to hold a special session.

Chan just stood there watching the people before turning away and going home.

* * *

Chan's room had a completely new atmosphere.

He had brought more blankets and pillows so that he had an upper and a lower nest. The upper one was logically on his bed, and the lower one in front of the desk. While he was playing music, he kept walking around the bed so that he could fix the corners. He was still a little perfectionist.

Suddenly he got a call, which he answered quickly. "Hyunjin?"

“Hey! Sorry to bother you, but I need some advice."

Chan sat down in the lower nest, leaning against the bed. “What's up?"

"The swim team is totally nervous, but the boys have said that a party wouldn’t help at all. What should I do?"

Chan picked up a pillow and leaned on it as he tapped his chin. That was a difficult question indeed. Especially since this was a completely new situation. The swim team had never participated in such a big competition.

"What about talking?" he muttered.

“Doesn't help either. You won’t believe that, but Changbin failed the turnaround last time. I was afraid he'd get a concussion."

This did not seem like Changbin at all. Usually he was very focused. Even if he made small mistakes, he had never completely missed a turnaround.

Chan sighed and stared at the ceiling. "Maybe go for a swim."

“What?"

Chan laughed softly. "I mean ... just swim for fun. Without pressure. Just relax. Connect with the water. You fight against other participants and not against the water itself. So why would you build up the pressure now?"

Hyunjin was silent and seemed to consider the advice. "You know, that's a damn good idea. I'll try it."

“Glad that I was able to help."

There was a loud sigh. “Wow, all the pressure as a captain is so exhausting. You must be fairly relieved to have fewer duties now.”

Chan's grip on his cell phone tightened. "Yes, absolutely," he replied, "I have to hang up." As quickly as possible, he pressed the red button and buried his face in his hands. He was so pissed off. At the same time, he did not have the strength to get very upset.

Slowly he got up and went over to his table, where he took the scissors from. The movement was way too familiar by now. Far too often he had put the sharp edge on his arm.

And ultimately he did nothing every time.

He wanted to fight against this protective instinct within himself. Against the natural need to experience as little pain as possible. But he was so desperate that he did not know how to compensate for this pain, if not with more pain.

He pressed the metal deeper into the skin, but did not move the scissors and concentrated on the cold, yet burning sensation. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath as he bit his lower lip. He slowly moved the tool forward, but winced when he felt even a hint of sharpness.

Would he be weak or strong if he did not continue?

Chan had always been strictly against self-harm, but only because he had never understood the principle. It had seemed so absurd to want to hurt himself. But after he had already injured himself mentally - and that several times - did the physical barriers still play a great role? Even if it were just a brief moment of relief, would it not be worth it?

He stared out of the window and lowered the scissors before running a hand over his face. Tired. He was incredibly tired. More tired than usual. He had never felt so weak and exhausted. There was no more support for him. No matter how tight he clung to the wood of the table, he could not hold himself in the present.

Everything was pressing on the top of his skull from the outside and put him in a trance-like state in which he could barely keep his eyelids open. He only felt the cool plate under his fingertips and he felt like his legs could crack at any moment. The dizziness ran through his entire back to his feet.

"Chan, will you come shopping with me?" he heard suddenly through the closed door.

He winced. "No," he replied, crawling into the upper nest. Even if he more or less hated everything right now, he was glad that he had found a way to feel reasonably safe. His room had always been his personal realm, in which he felt comfortable. But since he had added a collection of pillows and blanket rings to it, it was so much better. It was warm and he felt protected. He even slept in the nest on his bed. Otherwise he could not calm down at all.

His mother opened the door. Sighing, she looked at the rearranged room. "Honestly, Chan. You should really go outside.”

Chan just mumbled something incomprehensible.

“Didn't you want to dye your bleached hair anyway? What do you think of ... hmm ..."

"Silver," Chan answered.

"Fine, we'll buy silver then."

So in the end, Chan went with his mother, but did not talk much.

After a while in the drugstore he went to all the Omega products and x-rayed the various packs. He was not really going to buy anything, but he still found it ... yes, interesting (?) that there were so many ways to hormonally affect his mood swings, for example.

Among other things, there were also pills to influence pheromones. Some should make them smell sweeter. Others were supposed to make them "fresher" and milder, meaning that they would smell pleasant and somewhat seductive. Chan took one of the packs and wondered what Matthew thought of it.

Immediately he shook his head, not sure how to judge his own thoughts.

"Oh, you found the IP pills."

“The what?"

" Influencing Pheromones Pills ," his mother explained, "At your age, my friends and I were always experimenting with those kinds of things." She took a pack. “But the ones for Omegas even seem a little different. I was told that their pheromones can be influenced in a much more diverse way."

"Shout it louder through the shop," Chan grumbled and looked around in paranoia before taking the package.

“If you want, I'll buy you some. It's really funny."

Chan did not really care, but when he saw the pleased expression on his mother's face, he did not want to say no. Maybe he could at least pretend that he found something funny about this self-discovery-identity-drama-"whatever that was"-crisis.

They went to the checkout and Chan's mother wanted to put the products into the bags when the cashier stopped her: "Sorry, but we can only sell this product to verified Omegas." She was talking about the IP pills.

His mother was about to argue when Chan raised his hand. "It's okay, I have my ID with me." He took out the card and showed it to the astonished cashier. After weeks of waiting, Chan actually had a new ID card clearly emblazoned with the Omega symbol.

“Oh sorry." She laughed nervously and handed over the package before taking the money. "Have fun with your Alpha," she said inappropriately, to somehow hide her mistake (which made it only worse).

Chan choked on his spit before turning the pack over. In fact, without evidently thinking, he had chosen the package which was labeled as "seducing". He did not have the nerve to justify himself, after all it was still his own business what he bought.

At home he started colouring his hair. Every now and then Hannah interrupted him because she really wanted to participate. However, Chan had little chance of keeping her busy like this.

At some point his mother took pity on him and cooked rice pudding because it was alway a good way to distract Hannah.

While Chan was waiting for the colour to soak in, he did homework at the dining room table. In the end he got himself a bowl of rice pudding and spooned it while continuing with his work, which his mother watched skeptically.

"Waph?" he asked with his mouth full.

"I thought you didn't like that rice pudding."

Chan swallowed. “I’ve never said that."

His mother raised an eyebrow. "You once said it was abnormal to mix rice and milk together." She laughed softly. "Your hormones are in their prime, huh?"

Chan just pouted and finished eating before going upstairs to wash his hair. He was so far satisfied with the result, but he would probably only really be able to evaluate the whole appearance once his hair had dried.

Chan crouched in his upper nest with the laptop on his lap. He still had to finish an assignment, but gradually he was distracted by all the YouTube suggestions and preferred to search for various videos about producing. In between, he also checked out newly released music videos and let himself drown in those songs.

After a while he returned to the home page and pondered over if he wanted to watch anything else. Then his gaze was caught on a thumbnail which was embroidered with both Alpha and Omega symbols. The smileys grinned stupidly at him.

**10 tips on how to seduce an Alpha easily!**

Chan should really turn off the laptop and go to sleep, but he still spent the next 20 seconds staring at the screen. His fingers moved almost by themselves as he clicked on the video and waited for it to load.

For safety's sake he put headphones in; so embarrassing was the fact that he was watching something like that. However, he was actually genuinely interested in the question. Maybe that was his Omega instinct? Or he was simply a very curious person.

The Youtuber was a petite young woman (obviously an Omega, which you could tell by the tattoo on her collarbone) and she had that slightly hyped personality which was subtly annoying. She looked a little fake, but actually he should have expected that too.

In the first six tips she mentioned boring advice which any idiot could have derived from logic: be nice and sweet, sit on the Alpha's lap, hug Alphas from behind …

Chan thought it was a little ridiculous. After all, they were all still human. Why should every Alpha react the same way?

He was about to click away when she came to the topic pheromones.

 _"Alphas love it if Omegas wear their clothes: hoodies, jackets ..."_ , she explained, _"The reason is that their pheromones simply rub off. It is something like marking territory.”_

"That sounds absolutely awful," Chan muttered, but kept listening because she was now making a few biological explanations which he found halfway interesting.

_“Tip number eight: Always leave the bathroom door open. Alphas like to watch Omegas while they do simple activities like showering or bathing because it gives them a feeling of home. The protective instinct also plays a role here.”_

Chan was not particularly sure whether he would still feel comfortable if someone stared at him while bathing. Would it not be more pleasant to have a bath with Mat-

So to have a bath with the Alpha?

_"Well, let's get to the exciting part: sex."_

Chan's eyes widened. His hands were shaking trying to stop the video because he was genuinely embarrassed. But did his body react? Of course not.

_“If you are lucky enough to already have a collar, definitely wear it during sex! Alphas have different intentions in collars, but most of the time they are somehow possessive and or consider it romantic. So wearing it during sex is more than appropriate."_

More than appropriate. He was about to laugh out of desperation. And it was considered lucky to be able to wear such a collar?

He snorted and grabbed his nose.

_“So what positions are particularly good for sex? I would recommend-"_

From then on Chan pressed pause because he could not listen to it anymore. He closed the tab sluggishly and put the laptop on the bed behind him before curling up in the nest again.

It was surreal for people to think so simply. As if you distribute the entire population into three categories.

Chan felt a little superior to the others and, above all, clear in his head. He did not see everything in black and white.

Then why was it so difficult for him to face Matthew without prejudices?

  
  



	28. "No, since when have you been knowing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> There is an explicit description of a suicide attempt in the second part of this chapter. The description is from Chan's point of view can appear as euphemistic, but of course it is no topic to romanticize (so I do not think about this as something beautiful).
> 
> Additionally there are mentions of self-harm at the end.
> 
> Please avoid reading it, if you could get mentally distressed by that. Or at least do not read this content on your own. 
> 
> Stay safe.

Sometimes, when Chan looked at his bedside table, he realized how frightening the sight was: a glass of water, handkerchiefs, and a number of packs of pills.

He was getting tired of swallowing so much. Somehow he felt that the antidepressants were ridiculous and ironic too, given that the capsules for his pheromones could trigger depression in the first place. But to stop taking certain pills was not an option either. As long as he somehow got out of bed in the morning, it would be reasonably bearable.

"I think we should picnic," Felix suggested.

"Picnic?" Seungmin repeated, “Oh, if you organize it, I’m in.” His undertone was mocking.

"We can plan it together," Changbin said, trying to find a compromise.

Chan only half-listened because he was busy watching Matthew, who was talking to a teacher in the corridor. Probably about some kind of presentation or project. But it did not matter. He was too focused on staring at Matthew.

"Hey, Chan?" Changbin snapped in front of his nose. "What do you think of the idea?"

"What?" Chan muttered. He brushed his silver curls, embarrassed that he had not really paid attention.

“The picnic."

Chan shrugged. "Do what you want," he said mildly. He had slept a little last night, nevertheless, he was exasperated. He also looked kind of sick, but at least the deep circles under the eyes had gotten better.

"What do you mean?", Jeongin replied, "You are coming with us!”

“Correct. We have to ask Matthew and Minho right away,” Hyunjin hooked himself into the conversation.

Chan sighed heavily and looked at the ceiling. "Shouldn't you rather concentrate on the swimming competition?"

Before he could get an answer, Thong passed them. "Chan," she said, "your taste in various hair colour experiments is definitely a defamatory look." And with that she went on.

"Wow, she was just here to insult you," Seungmin stated and shook his head.

“Defamatory? What kind of word is that anyway?” Felix asked, confused in the room.

"That means something disrespectful or insulting," Seungmin explained and once again he proved that his brain was not only big enough to wrap around a bunch of scientific facts, but was also capable to function as a dictionary.

"So she feels offended by your hair colour?", Changbin asked, "Thong is also getting more and more sensitive."

"Let's just ask what the other two think of it!" Felix suggested, just as Minho and Matthew approached the group.

"Oh, wow!", Minho commented immediately, "Your hair colour is sick!"

“Sick?” Chan asked with a faint smile. 

"Definitely a good way to get sick! Yes, you look really good. Doesn’t he, Jin?"

Matthew just stared at Chan and eventually turned to Seungmin. "Did you take my folder from the last choir session?"

"Uhm, yes." The younger one held it out to him. "By the way, I should tell you that Mrs. Ahn still waits for your thesis. "

Matthew groaned in annoyance. "Of course, since I have nothing else to do than to worry about choir, gosh." He rolled his eyes. It was a strange picture. After all, one almost never saw him annoyed.

"You seem really stressed," Jisung commented.

“I _am_ stressed. My parents are about to drive me crazy."

That was also unusual. Usually he did not have too many problems with them. After all, he was a hardworking student and mostly took care of the house because his parents worked practically all day.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Changbin questioned. (Despite his "I'm so dark" image, he still wanted to take care of his friends' worries.)

"No, it's kind of a ..." Matthew fell silent.

"Yes?" Changbin asked interestedly.

“... kind of a Kim-family-problem? Man, I don't know."

"Then Seungmin could help you too," Jisung intervened with his unhelpful advice, whereupon he received a light blow on his head from Jeongin.

Matthew did not even react to that comment. "My parents are just weird sometimes."

Nobody really knew (except maybe Minho) what he meant by that, but they did not have time to think about it any longer because the next moment the school bell rang.

It was the usual routine in class: little notes with insulting comments under Chan's bench, a few graffiti on his table (for which he was sometimes even blamed by the teachers) or drawings on the blackboard which mocked him. The teachers were pretty helpless and although Matthew and Minho always tried to defend him somehow, he mostly held them back.

The school climate was completely changed within a few days. Somehow it was colder here. Only the boys were heard, while the girls did not dare to object anyway. Chan used to be respected, and since he was as much on the girls' side as he was on the boys’, it had always been well-balanced.

Now all the Alpha guys who had always withdrawn were no longer afraid to bully Chan. He no longer had the support of the entire school council. Or that of the swim team. None of these organizations were in any way obliged to him.

Chan had made small attempts to cut his skin over and over again, but in the end he was too "weak". He had only two small scratches on his forearm so far, but even then his nerves had almost collapsed. He wanted to resist this urge and at the same time he longed to feel something different than just that frustration in his stomach. Finally having something back to control.

Another problem was that he had promised his mother to tell his father about his secondary gender. After all, everyone else in his family knew about it (well, Lucas could not acknowledge it yet, but still) and it would be unfair not to tell his father about it.

Unfortunately, he could not even gauge the reaction. He knew his father loved him, but he was still a little nervous.

"Do you want to do something with me today?" Changbin asked with a smile.

Chan looked at him thoughtfully. He had not done anything with him alone for a long time, and even if he did not feel like it, he was even less interested in going home to mourn. So he called his mother and told her about his spontaneous plans.

After having eaten, they went to Changbin's room and started listening to music while they were doing their homework. After a while it got too boring, so they played darts, sitting on the bed.

“It would be perfect if we made it to the next round of the tournament. Then the holiday in Masan would also be the ideal opportunity to celebrate."

Chan just made a confirming sound and missed the board, causing the arrow to land on the ground. He let himself fall back and closed his eyes. Suddenly he was so exhausted that he could not even stand up.

"Chan, we still haven't talked about it."

“About what?"

“That you’ve given up your position as head boy. I don’t get it." Changbin's tone had become gentle, careful. Apparently he had learned that there was no point in putting pressure on Chan. 

Although Chan could never judge that - after all he kind of deserved it.

"I don't quite understand it either." That was only half of the truth. After all, Chan knew what he was getting into. It was his will and his loyalty to Matthew, with whom he was unfortunately still fucking in love. There was no point in trying to gloss it over: he had driven himself to an impasse.

"It has all become too much, you know? I can no longer handle my duties,” he said vaguely, turning his head to Changbin, who looked at him thoughtfully.

"It doesn't seem like you at all.”

“Nothing seems like me at the moment, Changbin. I'm a bit lost with myself. I don't know what I want or what I need.” Chan leaned on his forearms and looked up at the ceiling. “I think there must be changes. Although they can be pretty shitty."

“That's true."

The two were silent before Changbin moved closer to him and lay down next to him.

Chan plopped down on the mattress again, simply staring at the ceiling with the other.

"And what do you think is wrong with Matt?"

"Hormones," Chan replied shortly, which strangely made Changbin laugh. Actually, he did not find the situation funny at all. But unfortunately, Changbin's laugh was so infectious that he had to chuckle himself.

"Hey, I can see someone smiling,” Changbin whispered and brushed one of Chan's curls from his face.

Chan frowned and smirked, almost a little desperate. "I've been a pretty depressed rag lately."

“Not necessarily. You just look very exhausted and ... I don't know. Unbalanced."

Unbalanced was really euphemistically expressed. Chan was dying inside every day. Only in some moments he could handle it better. Now and then it hit him out of nowhere, causing such weakness, such pain in him that his knees began to tremble and he just wanted to sink to the floor and become one with it.

"As long as we all pull together, everything will be fine", Changbin assured him, "That’s the most important thing."

And Chan really wanted to believe him.

* * *

“Chan! I have to go to the bathroom!” Hannah shouted, again. Somehow, she had the talent to interrupt Chan whenever he wanted to use the bathroom in peace.

"Please go downstairs this time, angel", Chan replied, rather tired. He had just made himself comfortable in the bathtub twenty minutes ago. The water was so warm and pleasant - almost as good as his nest. He did not want to get out yet.

"Your skin will start to shrivel!”

Then he heard footsteps which were likely to lead down the stairs.

Chan sighed and looked straight at the wall. He was listening to music through his little box and bobbed his big toe to beat it. However, his mind soon became completely distant.

He was roused from the trance when his cell phone rang and the music stopped. It was his alarm clock which reminded him to take his pills.

Chan just made a frustrated sound and wanted to throw his smartphone into the corner. But he controlled himself and put the device back on the toilet lid like a decent person.

He could swallow the stupid medication later. Right now he just wanted peace and silence.

Slowly he closed his eyes and propped his head on the edge of the bathtub. His hands reluctantly slid down until he dived underwater. Everything went numb there, but it had a calming effect.

It was peaceful. Harmonious. As if he could block out the rest of the world, concentrate on his own heartbeat and just be there for himself again. Without pressure, without pain, without despair.

He would prefer to fall asleep straight away. He could probably just sink into the land of dreams and drift with the sharks, lie in poppies and watch the clouds passing by in funny shapes. Isolated from everyone else, completely carefree and ready to let himself fall. 

To let himself fall completely.

Surrounded by the warm water which pulled him into a comforting embrace. In a kind of hug which genuinely made him feel free. If he could let himself sink down a little deeper, he might finally come to rest and ...

Chan began to kick around, causing the water to splash over the edge. His upper body slipped several times on the smooth surface until he could finally hold onto the tap, finally had something tangible, finally entered reality again.

Immediately he put his other hand onto the brink and pushed himself up. His hair was heavy from the water; it felt like a whole steel beam was hanging from his head and could break his neck at any moment.

He kept his eyes closed tightly before leaning out of the bathtub and coughing loudly. His chest hurt so much.

He had not noticed it at first, but he had started crying while still having trouble breathing. His entire body trembled, still trying to calm a little bit down, but he failed.

He had almost drowned himself.

He had not become aware of it during the trance because he had lost all sense of time. But the pain in his lungs, which felt like they were about to burst, was proof that he had been so close to losing consciousness underwater.

The fear of potential death wrapped itself around his body like poisonous tendrils. It made him cry even more. He sobbed and did not even know what to do now. He just hung in the tub and felt like a corpse which had just crawled out of its grave.

There was a knock on his door. “Chan?"

It was Hannah again.

“Mom said there would be dinner soon. You should get ready.”

Chan still could not move very well and did not answer either. His throat contracted painfully.

“Mummy! Chan’s locked himself in the bathroom!"

Chan closed his eyes and rested on the edge of the bathtub until his mother got the spare key and unlocked the door. When she saw the mess, she took a startled breath.

“Chan? What happened here?"

Chan wiped away the tears with his wet hand.

Without a word, his mother gave him a bathrobe and then dried the floor with her back turned to him.

Chan wrapped a towel around his head and let the water out of the tub before going to his room and changing his clothes. He swallowed his pills and crouched on his bed just as his mother walked in.

"Chan," she said gently, "Maybe we should get a therapist.”

Chan was silent and starred in the mirror, feeling the tears sting his eyes again.

“You cannot continue like this."

"I know," he finally managed to say.

"It's not normal to react like that to your second gender."

“I know."

Chan got up and opened his window to let in some fresh air. He saw through the window that his father's car had just pulled into the yard. _"Dad's here."_

So they made their way downstairs and followed their usual routine: saying hello, taking the father’s jacket off, setting the table together, eating.

Most of the time his parents spoke - that was usually the case - and Chan was glad to just put food in his mouth.

"You look tired, Chan," his father realized.

Chan nodded and let his shoulders sink. "It's because of the medication I take."

“Medication? How come I don't know anything about it?"

Chan sighed loudly. Now he had to deal with the difficult part. "Because I didn't tell you about it?" he replied cautiously.

He was beginning to lose his appetite (although it had not been that big to begin with). Now there was no way out of it. Out of the corner of his eye he could still see that his mother nodded encouragingly.

He then sighed loudly and stared at his glass of water when he said, "I'm an Omega and I'm taking medication for it."

There was absolute silence at the table. It was like one could only hear the clock ticking in the dining room.

That changed when Lucas knocked over his bowl and spread the food all over the table.

"Lucas!" His mother sighed before she took a napkin and wiped the wooden plate clean.

Chan's father looked straight at him as he gripped the chopsticks tightly. “Since when?”

"Well, biologically speaking, the genes have always been in me," Chan mumbled, although he knew the question was not meant in that way.

"No, since when have you been knowing?"

Chan sighed again and now looked straight into his father's face. "I learned about it shortly before my birthday."

His father took a deep breath. “And why didn’t you tell me about it back then? Is that why you don't want to exercise anymore? Is that why you have problems at school?"

Chan frowned and looked at his mother. Had the two talked about it? In fact, he had not actually reported exactly what was wrong with him, but even his father knew that the two exchanged more than initially thought.

"No, that ... well, it's more complicated."

“How more complicated? Chan, that can't be."

Chan's lips curled up. "What cannot be?"

"That you are an Omega."

The answer hurt more than expected. Chan was not proud to be an Omega. He had only considered simply accepting it as part of himself. But now to hear that remark from his father was anything but encouraging.

"Doowon," his wife admonished.

“I know my son. Everyone told us from the start that he would be an Alpha.”

"Chan’s just the way he is."

"You always wanted to be like me."

Yes, Chan still wanted that. He also wanted to be a strong man which he definitely saw in his father. But the reaction confused him. His father did not even appear to be disgusted or disappointed. Rather incredulous and overwhelmed. Nevertheless, it hurt Chan. Because it made everything so surreal and pointless again. Why was he still here when he was obviously in a completely wrong role? There was no way that this was his life.

Maybe he should have drowned in the tub after all.

“Show your tattoo. Otherwise I really can't believe it.”

Chan knew rationally that the comment was not meant to be rude. But showing the tattoo in that humiliating moment would be worse than standing completely naked in the street.

Without further ado, Chan got up and slammed his hands on the dining room table. "Why is it so difficult to believe? After all, those are your genes! Your genes are to blame for the fact that I am who I am now. And I _hate_ myself!" Towards the end he got louder and louder and did not even realize he had started screaming. “I don’t want to deal with this anymore! If you want an Alpha son, just put me on the street! Maybe you’ll have more luck with Lucas!" And with that he ran into his room.

He had never done anything like that in his seventeen years of living. He had never yelled at his father like that before. He had never run away from problems like a little kid. And he had never slammed the door so loudly.

Chan threw himself into his lower nest and curled up there before the tears ran unstoppably down his cheeks again. He already hated himself for taking his anger and frustration out on his father.

No matter how hard he struggled with this impulsiveness, he could not fight it. Everything in him was just a huge vortex of confusion.

When Chan picked up the scissors this time, it was not difficult for him to make the cuts.


	29. "Is that a hickey?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> The process of harming oneself just as the consequences mentally and physically are mentioned, and at some parts even described explicitly in this chapter. Keep in mind that you will have a clear insight of Chan's destructive and self-loathing thoughts.
> 
> Another sensitive topic in this is death and losing the connection to reality. 
> 
> If any of these topics could trigger and/or harm you in any way, please refuse from reading, especially the second half of the chapter. Or at least do not read it on your own. 
> 
> As for now this is the last chapter with descriptive trigger warnings. Pay attention to the fact that Chan's wounds are going to be at least mentioned in later chapters to keep the logic of the story. For those little mentions are no trigger warnings in the notes planned unless it becomes explicit. 
> 
> Stay safe. 
> 
> [Sorry for this long note and kinda sorry for putting so much pain into this fic. The next chapters are going to be mainly built around the ship and their developing relationship (+ a lot of fluff and sexual tension). Promised.]

When Chan woke up in the morning, he had a headache. At first he thought that it was a side effect of the medicine. But he quickly realized that he had just cried way too much yesterday. He rubbed his head and slowly sat up before forcing himself out of bed.

He did not even look at the clock since he did not care whether he got to school on time. He usually woke up at the right time automatically, but that was not always guaranteed.

Nevertheless, and as already mentioned, it did not matter. He no longer had any duties which he had to fulfill in time. After all, Junhyeok now took over by making the traffic of the students secure or by correcting their way of wearing uniforms.

A cheerless smile crept onto Chan's face. He went over to the closet and took out his shirt and pants before he began to change. When he wore just underwear and buttoned his white shirt in front of his bare chest, his gaze fell on his scratched thighs.

He had found out that it was easier for him to cut himself there. Finally, he was allowed to experience the relief he had read about or heard of. The veins often protruded on his arms, which is why he felt afraid and did not dare to run the sharp edge of the scissors along there. It was not the case for his legs. It was surprisingly easy for him to press the metal several times in succession into his skin until the layer of skin tore and the blood flowed out. Additionally, it was also easier to hide the cuts.

He yawned loudly and put on his jacket, went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and then packed his schoolbag.

Eventually, he reached blindly to his bedside table and wanted to swallow the usual dose of pills when he noticed that the pack with the pheromone suppression was empty. No problem. He still had a spare pack. Bottlenecks were gradually eased as the mating season was almost over. This would give him more control over his pheromones again.

Doctor Lim had explicitly stated that with a bit of practice one could control the release of pheromones. The mating season was a time span in which Omegas and Alphas simply had no control over it. This was why so many ordered suppression pills because even the experienced found it harder to control themselves. This topic had never been raised so consciously at school and Chan wondered why.

Why were people always silent about all these complicated topics?

He went slowly downstairs and greeted his mother, who was already at the table feeding Lucas. Hannah spooned her cereal and looked up at Chan.

"You look tired," his angel commented, which he accepted with a forced smile.

"Dad's already at work?" he asked to be on the safe side.

His mother nodded and stared at him. "Chan."

"I don't want to talk about yesterday." Chan poured hot water into his cup and checked his wristwatch. He would be a little bit late. But that did not matter. He wanted to have breakfast although he was not hungry.

"Chan, your father didn't mean it like that. He was overwhelmed. We talked again and, yeah, he does accept you."

"Nice for him," Chan replied dryly, "That doesn't change the fact that I'm a disappointment."

"You are not a disappointment."

“Are you listening to yourself? Your job as my mother is not to lie into my face.” Chan sighed and bit into his toast.

His mother was silent before she said, “I made an appointment with the youth counselling. It isn't a therapy, just an opportunity to ask for advices. So that we know what we can do."

"I don't want to go there."

"Chan, you need help."

Chan made a face at that. "Why? I'm not sick. I'm just an Omega."

His mother swallowed hard. "You almost drowned yourself in the bathtub! It's not funny anymore!"

There was complete silence. It was broken when Hannah dropped her spoon, which fell on the edge of the plate. Her jaw dropped and her eyes were filled with tears.

Chan immediately felt even worse and watched his little sister get up before she ran into her room. 

He stood up himself and pushed the chair back vigorously enough that it almost fell over. "It wasn't on purpose!"

"And your music? _ I've been thinking 'bout my life. Is it better if I die? Do you really think you can lie to me?” _

Chan grew paler. "You shouldn't be listening when I produce, gosh!" Why was everything getting out of hand? He hated it. He hated it so much. "Just leave me alone!" he snapped at her and left the dining room.

_ "Bang Christopher, you stay right here!" _

_ "I'm leaving!" _ Chan just replied and slammed the door behind him.

He was confused while cycling to school. Once he even almost passed the traffic light when it was red.

What was going on? Why did he now transform his home, his last hiding spot, into a hell?

He was so shocked by the situation that he could not even cry. Instead he tried to distract himself with the upcoming school day.

However, his mood went down there further when he saw all the cheering posters for the swimming team. He heard that someone behind him shouted, "Loser!" but he could not make out who it was.

He entered the auditorium somewhat lost. Why was it still so crowded here? He checked his watch once again and realized that he still had ten minutes. Was his sense of time now completely broken?

He winced when someone put a hand on his shoulder. 

It was Changbin. "Oh, so frightened today?" He smiled before looking around. "The posters are sick."

"Hmm."

"What classes do you have now?

Chan pondered for a moment. "Maths." He looked around with a bland expression.

"Is something wrong? You seem a bit off."

In response, Chan just shook his head and grabbed his nose. "It was just stressful this morning."

"There's trouble in the peaceful Bang house? As if."

Chan did not have the capacity to answer this question, so he was glad Felix showed up and practically jumped onto Changbin from behind.

“The posters are amazing!” he exclaimed and laughed, “We're going to rock the relay!”

"Definitely," Changbin replied grinning, turned around in Felix's arms and picked the younger boy up. "But no reason to jump on me from behind like a rubber ball."

"Oh, Jisung said I should come to get you both. And I thought I should do it in an unconventional way,” Felix explained, putting both arms around Changbin's neck. 

"Unconventional. Is that a new word you've picked up?"

"Well, you never stop learning."

Felix's family had come to Korea a few years ago, but since Felix had promised to be more than fluent in Korean, he was still learning new words here and there, even though his grammar was now nearly perfect. Still, Chan and he spoke English as often as possible so that they both could keep the Australian slang.

"So why did Jisung send you?" Changbin asked and let Felix down.

“We wanted to talk about the Masan trip. Minho got the times for the train from his parents."

The three went to the group, which was sitting at a table. Since other students also occupied seats they could only use one double table, which was too small for nine people. That was not a big problem anyway, because Felix quickly planted himself on the table top and Hyunjin sat on Seungmin's lap. Chan pulled a chair from another table.

“Well, next week we're going to leave on Thursday evening and then arrive in Masan at night. It's cheaper like this," Minho explained, "We're going to check in and then spend the weekend at the motel. Monday's our last day." He put the plan aside. “I thought we'd split up into groups. Each group then plans a day through. We're going to be in Masan for three days, so we can just do three groups consisting of three people.”

"Your parents rented the motel. So what about the money?" Hyunjin asked.

“I'll send the bank account number to our WhatsApp group. You can then transfer the money when you have time. My parents aren't very stressed about that."

They decided to split up into groups now. Group One was formed by Chan, Felix and Hyunjin, Group Two by Matthew, Changbin and Jisung, and Group Three by Minho, Jeongin and Seungmin.

Minho took out a pile of flyers. “Here, you can take this for inspiration. The bus connections are very practical there and since we'll get a ticket from the motel anyway, we can drive up to three zones without paying. I'm going to cover the few extra costs with my pocket money."

Chan took one of the flyers and saw all the thermal baths, whereupon a cold storm stang along his spine.

"Oh yeah, Masan has incredibly beautiful swim halls in the area. I would check out a few,” Minho added, "but of course we can do a lot of other things as well.”

"Should we still have a picnic then next week?" Seungmin questioned, "After all, you guys have the next tournament on Saturday and you'll definitely want to rest afterwards."

"There's still enough time until Thursday. Then we might have a picnic on Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday would probably be difficult due to the packing,” Changbin suggested.

In the end they agreed to leave this plan open for the time being.

During the meeting, Chan noticed that Matthew had a strange look on his face. At some point he also noticed that the older was consciously avoiding him. That confused him even more and he blamed it on the fact that Matthew was still struggling with private problems. He probably could not stand to be near to Chan.

In class, however, it got weirder because Matthew did not even turn his face in his direction. Had Chan mutated into some kind of disease?

It was becoming more and more abstruse in music classes. Matthew often buried his nose in the crook of his elbow. When the class was singing, he stood on the other side of the piano.

But also about the school day itself Chan recognized that he got some strange glances. Mostly from Alphas.

Wait a minute ...

It had nothing to do with his pheromones, did it? But he had swallowed the pills. There was no way that others could smell him.

When they were on the way to history classes, Chan stopped Matthew and pulled him behind the lockers around the corner. "Can you tell me what's going on?"

Matthew rolled his eyes and propped himself on the lockers while still not looking at Chan.

"I've already noticed that you're mad at me, even if I don't understand exactly why. But that's no reason to pretend I'm contaminated," Chan grumbled. He knew he had no right to get angry. After all, he had rejected Matthew far too often. But not even getting an explanation was the really frustrating aspect of the whole situation.

"Matt? Now say something.”

Matthew raised his gaze slightly, furrowed his eyebrows and growled. In the next moment he pressed Chan on his waist firmly against the wall.

The younger made a choked and startled sound before he felt the other's lips on his neck.

Everything was spinning in his head and his knees wanted to give way, but he still had enough composure to keep standing on his feet. Without a further delay, he felt that the other was sucking eagerly on his skin.

He stood there flustered until he realized what was happening. Immediately he pushed Matthew back and gasped in confusion. Since Matthew had been kind of rough his milky and sensitive skin was already cherry red - a clear sign of a sweet hickey.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" he asked perplexed.

Matthew groaned in frustration and pulled his own hair. "Your pheromones are driving me crazy! Fuck!" He kicked a locker, which made Chan whine quietly. Usually one did never see Matthew freak out.

“It's so frustrating! You sit next to me all day and I want to touch you all the time, but I can't! The other Alphas can smell you too."

"I ..."

"I've been wanting to mark you all day, damn it!" Matthew's voice cracked and he slumped against the wall, exhaling audibly. He seemed so incredibly exhausted, on the verge of desperation and Chan just wanted to hug him. But since his pheromones seemed to smell so strong, it was probably not a good idea.

Chan started pondering over the day so far. When he had opened the new pack of pills this morning, he had not paid much attention to which one he had been actually holding. His pheromone pills came in white and yellow packaging, but there were other pills which had a similar design.

"IP pills," he murmured suddenly.

"What?"

"I swallowed IP pills."

Matthew blinked several times. "You mean these pills that change the pheromones?"

Chan nodded.

"And what kind did you take?"

Now Chan blushed deeply. "Uhm ... seductive?" he replied hesitantly.

Matthew made an exasperated sound. "You're unbelievable! Chan, why are you doing this?!”

“It was an accident! I was so confused this morning and then I didn't notice that ... ” He interrupted himself and sighed heavily. What kind of situation was this?

"Shit, you have no idea what you're doing to me," Matthew grumbled.

"Does it smell that bad?" 

Matthew laughed bitterly. "Yeah, apparently bad enough to get my sex drive all hot for you."

Now Chan's face was definitely a tomato. "... oh.” His neck tingled with embarrassment and he wished dearly that the ground would open up to devour him and his shame. 

"Why did you even buy these pills?"

"Um, curiosity?" Chan answered vaguely.

Matthew simply shook his head. "Just say you wanted to annoy me with it." He even smirked, although he seemed still somehow tired.

"What? Nonsense! I ... Matt, that was really not on purpose!” Chan whined and crossed his arms.

"I understand." Matthew sighed. “But you should go home. With the way you smell, you really can't go to any more classes. Otherwise other Alphas will also become nuts."

"But it's individual whether you find a fragrance attractive or not."

Matthew raised an eyebrow. "You are hit by stranger Alphas on the street. You should understand by now that nearly nobody can resist you."

Chan left that uncommented. In the end, he actually decided to go home, knowing that people would gossip again because he had been absent so often lately.

But actually he did not really care anymore.

* * *

"Is that a hickey?" his mother asked after having entered the living room, x-raying Chan. 

Chan sighed and switched the TV channel. He had completely forgotten the mark because he had not looked in the mirror once again. He did not even know himself what the hickey Matthew had left looked like.

"Did an Alpha bother you?"

More or less.

"Calm down. It's just a mosquito bite."

"Mosquitoes. At this time of year?"

"Yep. Mutated giant mosquitos which attack innocent former head boys,” Chan replied with a tongue dry as the desert, continuing to stare at the screen.

His mother shook her head and sat next to him. She was carrying Lucas, who was pretty tired today and was therefore half dozing.

In the hallway they heard footsteps which probably came from Hannah. However, her steps led up, whereupon a door was slammed shut. Apparently his angel had enough of Chan's problems. After all, she was too young for that anyway. Actually, she should not be burdened by something like that after all.

Chan chewed his lower lip thoughtfully and folded his arms.

"Chan, I'm sorry about what happened yesterday and today. I shouldn't have mentioned that."

"What should you not have mentioned?" His tone was provoking.

She let out a rattle. "Your suicide attempt."

Chan grumbled. “That was not a suicide attempt. It was an accident."

"But your subconscious certainly told you something with that action."

Yes, maybe Chan's subconscious wanted him to believe that he could never live like that. That he could not even accept the Omega part of him, even though he tried to take his time. Still it did not work. If he thought of entering the world of work later (preferably the music industry), the secrecy would continue. He hardly knew any great artists who were also Omegas. Pretty sad when he thought about it like that. It made him feel like there was no hope left for him in this world. 

"As I said: to address that kind of thing at breakfast was not right."

"It wasn't," Chan confirmed. He was not even angry with his mother. In fact, he did not feel anything at all.

"Here." She held out a pack to him. “I called Doctor Lim this morning. She has prescribed you new antidepressants, but said that maybe we should bring you to the psychologist because she only has access to medication for Omegas."

"I mean, I'm an Omega tho," Chan mumbled and took the package. He knew what his mother meant. He just wanted to provoke her (again).

She did not answer and now looked at the television screen as well. "Are you sure you want to go to Masan? You're mentally very unstable."

"It's Minho's seventeenth birthday." Chan genuinely did not want to miss that. He isolated himself enough already. At least he should be able to pull himself up for his childhood friend. "I'm okay."

"Okay," she whispered and stroked Lucas' head, "Your father wanted to talk to you again."

"Then tell him that I don't want to see him right now. You can have dinner alone today too.” With that, Chan got up.

_ "Chan ... Christopher, you cannot be serious." _

"But I am. Really. I don't want to see him at all." He let out a long breath. "I have to figure this out for myself first." So he could eventually realize that he was a disappointment.

For better or worse, his mother had to put up with it.

In his room, Chan arranged the packages of his pills. After all, he did not want to experience another stupid incident. Nevertheless, he did not want to throw away the IP pills either - it would feel like a waste.

Chan frowned as he looked at the antidepressants his mother had given him. He still did not quite believe that these could help him.

Still, he opened the package and took out the prescription to read the dosage information. Then he came to the possible side effects. "Dizziness, fluctuation in blood pressure, frequent sweating, stomach pain and indigestion," he muttered to himself while his eyes flew over the list, "Fatigue, sleep disorders, poor appetite or weight gain and ..." He paused and frowned.

"Sexual dysfunction, especially erectile problems and orgasmic difficulties."

He let out a hum and took a pill, which he swallowed with some water.

All of the medication had pretty much reduced his libido over the past few weeks, so he actually did not masturbate anymore. He did not even really think about satisfying himself sexually. It made him feel strangely dull, but he could not speak of missing it either.

Chan undressed in an agonizing pace and looked at the cuts on his thighs. Slowly, he reached for the scissors. The feeling of familiarity washed over him as he lost track of the present. The blade on his skin was all the more reassuring this time - as if the tool was getting to know him step by step. He was less reluctant to press it with more force into his leg until red lines appeared on his skin. It was weirdly mesmerizing to watch the life-sustaining fluid leak and form into tiny, deep red pearls, leaving beautifully cruel paintings on the pale canva. The contrast was able to hold his attention for quite a while, and he became quieter than a mouse which tried to hide from the enemy.

Sighing, Chan put the scissors slowly down and threw himself on his back, suffering through the soothing burning sensation while enjoying it. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He thought he could allure himself into death by sleeping alone. But luckily the stinging pain, coming from his tortured legs, reminded him of his existence in reality. 

It hurt tremendously, but it kept him alive too.


	30. "Somehow we always run in circles."

Wounds heal.

If you are injured, there are predetermined phases which guarantee the healing process. In the cleansing phase, the blood coagulation cascade is activated and fibrin is formed to stop any bleeding. In the second phase, capillaries and connective tissue cells begin to grow into the wound bed. The edges of the injury are drawn together and the area of the injury is reduced. In the end, the skin just needs to regenerate.

When Chan removed the bandage this morning, he could still see the traces of the fight with the Alpha who had molested him. But they were healing well. He was in the middle of the healing process.

Why did it not work so easily with the soul? Chan had to make an effort for that. Unfortunately, his body did not do this process of its own free will.

Chan took the origami daisy from his bedside table and looked at it thoughtfully. The mood was weird today. Maybe it was the weather. Or the fact that this paper daisy was whispering to him.

Was it a premonition? But ... because of what?

Chan should be happy. It was Friday, which meant it would be the last day of school for now. Then there would be two weeks of holidays. Normally he would use these to just have fun and to take care of things which he otherwise had to put off because of school. He could live.

But this idea just seemed further away than ever before. Even though he was involved in the Masan trip, he was not sure what to think of it. He was looking forward to going away with his friends for a while, but somehow he also wished he could just stay at home in his nest, which he would miss so much. After all, it would be very weird if he started piling pillows and blankets in a room he shared with others. 

Today he came into the classroom just right before the start. He had taken too much time in the bathroom. Mainly because he had been busy with putting make-up on the hickey for far too long. He had also showered before and it was difficult to keep shower gel from getting into the cuts on his thighs. However, it did not bother him either to appear late. After all, he was no longer the head boy and therefore he had not to serve as a role model anymore.

On his sitting place were little notes, probably with messages to pester him. He just took them off the table, wadded them up into a bale and threw it from his place into the trash can. He was a bit proud that he scored without any problems, which shortly afterwards silenced the students. At least he did not want to bare reading these teasing messages. His mood was shitty enough anyway.

But he did not seem to be the only one.

While Minho greeted him normally, Matthew only made an indefinable sound. He seemed to be concentrating on writing something down during class, but Chan soon discovered that he was just drawing wavy lines on his paper.

Otherwise, the Korean lessons were as usual: dry and boring.

Chan was delighted when the doorbell rang at break. Stray Kids gathered again in the schoolyard.

"Whoa, it's really dark today," Jisung noted, "I don't think we'll see any shapes."

“Anyway, let's talk about the tournament”, Felix said excitedly, “I don't know if I can sleep!”

From then on, Chan switched off his mind, as it still hurt that he could not come with them. Of course he was happy for the others. After all, it was a national competition, a big deal. Still, it had always been Chan's dream to take part of it and now he could not participate.

“Jin, will you go to the tournament?” Minho asked, “Unfortunately I can't. Too much training."

Matthew lifted an eyebrow. "Nope. My parents will definitely not let me go. In any case it's crazy that they let me with you guys to Masan."

"Oh, are you still in trouble?" Jeongin asked worriedly.

Matthew sighed. "Hm, you could say it like that." He made a face. "But it'll be okay."

After the break, Chan had biology with Matthew and Minho. He stayed calm on the way to the classroom while Minho and Matthew talked about some new game which probably had been released.

"Can I come over today?" Matthew asked, "Somehow I really don't feel like going home."

“Sorry, training starts earlier today. Don't you have to help your mother?"

"Cancelled."

Minho patted him on the shoulder. “Sorry, I really can't. I mean, I don't have lessons after biology anyway."

Chan pretended that he was not listening. In the end, the conversation was not his business. And yet he could not hide his curiosity.

He wondered what was going on with Matthew, that he would even go to Minho to avoid his parents. Was it really that bad at home? He could not understand how one could get into such a serious argument with someone like Matthew. Even during their arguments, he never had the feeling that they were now completely angry at each other.

Matthew's aura was also a little colder than usually. Furthermore, he smelled like cold ginger tea, which was not bad for Chan's senses, but it made him even more worried. Maybe it was a little self-centered, but he even briefly suspected that he might have something to do with it. After all, he basically kept torturing Matthew with his own indecision.

After biology, the two had music lessons together with Mrs. Ahn. They waited in front of the music room to be let in. Chan looked through the large panorama window of the auditorium. The hate speeches about him had not been vanishing for too long.

"Chan, you aren't wearing your school uniform properly," he heard suddenly.

He turned around and saw Junhyeok standing two metres away from him. He wanted to spit into his face. Moreover, the students who followed him laughed at this oh so witty statement.

Chan rolled his eyes and buttoned his shirt before pulling the tie tight enough that it hurt his throat.

"Don't get caught again, otherwise you can come to the cleaning service on Saturdays." Junhyeok winked at him disgustingly and fucking  _ stalked  _ past him.

Chan genuinely wished he would slip on his own arrogance.

"I don't see how you could crush on such a douchebag," Matthew commented. It was the first sentence he had said to Chan today.

"I've never liked him," Chan explained and looked after Junhyeok, "I wonder how anyone can do that." He looked at Matthew and gave him a weak smile. "But that doesn't really matter, does it?"

Matthew returned the look surprisingly cooly. "I guess."

Then they entered the music room.

Chan thought he was going crazy. Why was Matthew suddenly so cold to him? Maybe it was ridiculous that he would worry so much about it, but it was just so strange.

Chan quickly realized that he was actually longing for the other's warm attention, which was probably pretty selfish. But he missed having a carefree conversation with him.

Music was passing slower than usually, precisely because they were not whispering to one another as they usually did. Their hands accidentally touched once when Matthew passed the worksheets. Otherwise there was silence.

After the class, the students streamed out almost cheering towards their holidays. Only Matthew trudged afterwards before standing a little bit lost in the auditorium.

“Oh no, now it's raining!” a student exclaimed and pointed through the window.

Indeed. In a matter of seconds, Mother Nature had decided to switch the weather to "Rain Mode".

The students complained. Some took out their cell phones in front of the school building, probably to contact their parents. Others headed for the bus station. Chan would do the same, but there was no station nearby his home. It would also be ridiculous to take the bus since he lived only 15 minutes away from school.

"It'll be a walk in the rain then," he muttered.

"Walk?" Matthew repeated, who suddenly stood next to him, "Usually you come here by bike."

“I ran this morning because yesterday I assembled the seat for Hannah. I wanted to test it out before I ride my bike again,” Chan told him. He looked at the older. "What are you going to do?"

Matthew shrugged. "Maybe going to a café."

Chan looked at him thoughtfully. "I could take you with me." His heart was now beating up to his throat. Perhaps that was a sign of fate. So that they could finally talk things out.

Matthew looked at him in irritation. Then he sighed softly. "That would be a very bad idea." He put on his jacket and left the auditorium to step into the rain.

Chan was conflustered by the reaction. Little had he known how much it hurt to be rejected by the other. Maybe it was because it had never happened before. He had taken Matthew for granted. And now the other was not there to be so kind and understanding.

It was deserved and still so harsh.

Had Chan lost him? Was that Matthew's way of saying, "I can't wait any longer and now I'm geting over you."?

Chan's pulse shot up. Before he knew it, he had run after Matthew and was standing in the middle of the rain between bike racks.

Most of the students were already on the bus or running to the parking lot across the street to be picked up by their parents.

However, Matthew scuttled around his bike and opened the lock.

"Matt!"

He paused and looked up. "Chan, you're getting all wet."

It did not matter at all.

“Matt. Please come with me."

Now Matthew lowered the bike lock and turned around completely to face him. "Why should I?" He had to speak a little louder now because otherwise the rain would drown him out.

“You don't want to go home, do you? And nobody's at my home anyway."

Hannah would go to a friend's house after kindergarten today, his mother worked an extra shift and Lucas was with a close friend of the family. His father was, as always, busy with all kinds of construction projects. Chan's mother had realized that she had to relieve Chan, so she had decided to find other ways to accommodate the children.

Hair strands were now hanging on Matthew's forehead. "I don't know."

Chan took a deep breath. The rain tingled his face and soaked all of his clothes, leaving a nasty feeling and blurring his vision. But he still saw Matthew quite sharply. As if his entire focus was now on the older. The drops seemed to be pounding louder and louder, which made him dizzy.

“You look absolutely stunning in the rain,” Matthew suddenly said.

"Uhm, thanks?" Chan replied perplexed.

What was that supposed to mean? At first the other had been so distant and now, despite the low temperature out here, he made Chan's face heat up. Or maybe that was on purpose, because he saw that the younger was getting quite cold. Even in a situation like this, he made sure Chan's heart was warm.

"We'll definitely get sick," Matthew commented, while Chan took a few steps towards him.

"Then we should get out of here as soon as possible." Now Chan grabbed Matthew's arm. "Please, come with me."

Matthew looked at him for a long time before sighing quietly. He still seemed to struggle with the decision.

But when the pale fingers cheated themselves between his, he practically melted away, so that he reached for Chan's smaller hand and held it securely in his. It took a few moments before he answered.

"Okay."

* * *

It must have been a strange sight as they both walked through the rain, holding hands and without an umbrella.

Little by little it got colder. The clouds wanted to cry endlessly and pour their tears down on them. The storm just did not want to calm down. 

It was tiring to talk so they remained silent and sauntered along the sidewalks. It did not matter how long it would rain on them. After all, they were soaking wet anyway.

Chan stepped into a puddle once, which made his shoes very dirty. Matthew giggled about it and pulled him out while the other just whined. There were more of those awkward moments. Especially when they were standing at the traffic light and giving each other embarrassed looks, but still … they could not let go of each other.

When they finally got to the house, Chan fumbled like forever in his pockets until he found the keys and unlocked the door.

Relieved, they stepped into the hall and slammed the door behind them before taking off their wet jackets and shoes.

"By the way, what about your bike?" Chan asked.

"I can get it tomorrow," Matthew replied simply and shook his wet hair. He looked around and frowned. “Is there really nobody here? Not even Berry?"

"She's with Lucas," Chan replied, "I mean ... with a good friend of ours who takes care of Lucas."

Then Matthew just nodded and let out a rattle.

"Do you want to take a shower?"

"If you come with me?"

Chan turned tomato red in an instant and stammered.

"I'm just joking," Matthew replied.

"Yes, of course."

The two went to the second floor. Chan let Matthew into the bathroom first after having given him clothes from the closet.

In his room he realized that his nests were messed up because he had curled up in them so often. Should he clean them up? But Matthew knew he nested anyway. Although it might be intimate (and a bit embarrassing too), it was not worth moving everything around. After all he spent so much time in his nests (he loved them too much by now).

After Matthew had finished, he also took a quick shower. But he was in a hurry because ... yeah, because ... Maybe he was too excited about the fact that Matthew had just been back in his room after what seemed like an eternity, waiting for him. There was something about it which made him pretty nervous. He was not sure what to do, but he had to stay calm. 

While he rubbed his hair dry, he went into his room, where Matthew was sitting on his desk chair and spinning on it. However, he stopped this action when he saw Chan.

Chan closed the door and let the towel hang on his shoulders before crouching on the edge of his bed and looking at the ceiling.

The ensuing silence was a bit strange, but at least not uncomfortable.

"I didn't even know you had two nests," Matthew started the conversation.

And there it was again. The notorious red flush of shame. "I've never mentioned that either before."

Matthew closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It smells like you more intensely here, although the mating season is almost over."

“My doctor once explained to me that when you're relaxed you spray more pheromones. And well, I feel comfortable here." Chan crawled into his upper nest and buried himself there between the pillows and blankets.

Matthew looked out the window. "Makes sense." Slowly he let his gaze wander around the room and fixed his eyes on Chan's bedside table. "That's an incredible number of packages."

“I'm just weaning some of my pills. So that I can learn to control my pheromones”, Chan muttered, "And I don't take some antidepressants any more.”

"Why?"

Chan hesitated. "Because I got stronger ones."

Matthew stared at the packages. "I see." He rolled the chair closer to the table and took the origami flower with an interested look. "Is that a daisy?"

"Hannah made it for me," Chan said, putting his arms over the edge of his nest.

"Cute." Matthew smiled and put the flower back.

Chan decided to run a playlist through his little jukebox. Suddenly he was worried that there would be still an awkward silence.

Matthew let out a long breath and closed his eyes as he hummed the melody.

"Matt?"

He opened his eyes. "Yes?"

Chan bit his lip. "Why do you refuse going home?"

Matthew did not answer and tried to avoid Chan's eyes.

_ "If you're already here, you can tell me." _

"You offered me to come with you."

“That shouldn't be a compensation. I just care about you."

Matthew grimaced and turned a few more times on the chair. Then he got up and walked over to the window. It was still raining, but from here the view looked so aesthetic and peaceful. As if the rain wanted to drum on the roof to match the music.

Chan waited eagerly for an answer. Just when he thought he could wait forever, Matthew began to speak: "How well do you know my parents?"

That was an odd question, but Chan took the time to think about it. “I know them a little bit. I used to see them more often because they didn't work that much back then. I think they only want what's best for you,” Chan said vaguely.

Matthew sighed heavily. "Correct. They want the best. Does that mean that they automatically know what's best for me?"

Now Chan was puzzled. "I don't think so," he finally stated, "but that's why you talk about it with your parents."

Matthew made a frustrated sound at that. "What if you owe it to them to share their point of view?"

Now Chan did not understand anything. He straightened up and sat cross-legged. "Matt, I don't know what you mean by that."

Matthew sat down on the desk and let out a long and audible breath. He put his head back and gazed at the ceiling as if he could now read the answer to life from there. His fingers clutched the tabletop while his feet scraped the floor.

“My parents want me to go to university so badly. Preferably with a scholarship. You know, to break this spiral of poverty."

Chan nodded hesitantly.

“But I don’t want that. I want to achieve my own goals. I told them that too. And … ” He sighed again. “I understand that this isn't possible. They cannot finance my wishes. They've been making ends meet for so long anyway and I want to pay that back, but ...” He searched for the right words. His voice rumbled and it was strange because he usually spoke so softly. “Right now I'm just trying to find a compromise. But my parents go for 100 percent."

Chan said nothing. So there was the problem.

Matthew saw it as his duty to make his parents proud and happy. He felt guilty, although basically like any other student he just went to school and wanted to have a teenage life. But even that was asking for too much and sooner or later he wanted to, had to, should repay everything. It was an unbelievably sad thought. Chan could not believe that Matthew had been dragging this around with him for so long. Usually he was so composed.

“I know it'll get better. But since yesterday ... Oh man, I've just been wanting to run away."

"What happened?" Chan whispered.

Matthew stared down into the garden, having problems to describe the conflict.  _ "They said I should stop sleeping around." _

Chan's heart sank into his pants. How, what, where? Did Matthew have contact with other Omegas? Did he have a relationship with these Omegas? Why did Chan just feel like he did not know Matthew at all?

The look on his face told way too much because Matthew reacted immediately: "Chan, no."

"What do you mean, no?" He uttered a little squeaky.

"They only said that because I smell of you all the time."

Chan's tense shoulders slumped again while he looked at Matthew with wide eyes.

“They've been bothering me for a long time so I should introduce you. I mean, they don't know it's your smell. That's why they think you're my lover. But since I can't introduce you, they think I'm having lots of ... yeah, you know what I want to say." Towards the end, Matthew kept getting quieter.

“Is that why you didn't want to come with me? Because you're scared of smelling too much of me again?” Chan asked carefully.

Matthew nodded.

Wow. Chan had to deal with that first. With all the complicated things which happened to him, he had not even thought of what might be going on in Matthew's life. But he was not particularly transparent about it. He was someone who quietly struggled through it.

Chan laughed softly. It sounded bitter.

"What?" Matthew asked, confused.

"Nothing. I'm just realizing that the idea of seeing you with another Omega would totally kill me,” Chan admitted sheepishly and sighed. He drew invisible patterns on the sheet with his finger.

"It would?"

"Or well, seeing you with another person in general."

"You're being unclear."

Of course Chan was. Otherwise he would just die if he had to speak it out directly. "Why do you think I make music? You can say everything without admitting anything."

Now Matthew had to laugh again. But it was not really a happy laugh. It sounded rather resigned. "What do you not want to admit then?"

Chan stayed mute again. Instead of talking he focused his gaze on the bed sheet, which was still twisted between his fingers. He drew new patterns and created mounds which he could interpret into some trivial pictures and stories. Just to be far away from here. 

"You usually say I'm cute," he continued incoherently, "But when I was standing in the rain I was suddenly stunning."

Matthew shrugged. “Somehow you looked strangely peaceful. As if you knew what you wanted."

Chan smiled, but it looked rather sad. "I don't know anything at the moment," he admitted, "Except ..."

"Except what?"

"Well, that I fell in love."

Matthew hummed. "You did? The person's too lucky." The corners of his mouth rose slightly. "What type are they?"

“We've already talked about ideal types. You remember? When we made pizza,” Chan murmured, still not looking at Matthew.

"Hmh. I remember." Matthew got up and crouched down next to Chan on the bed. "Somehow we always run in circles."

“I imagine it to be more like a spiral. After all, we always make a little bit of progress." Chan stopped playing with the sheets and looked Matthew in the face.

"But then you can easily slide back every time."

"That's of course the disadvantage."

Matthew brushed a curl behind Chan's ear and ran the tip of his thumb over the porcelain-like cheek. His eyelids were lowered to focus on some invisible point between them. "And why can't we just have this one moment?" He now closed his eyes completely and let his hand off Chan's face.

But Chan lifted Matthew's chin with his thumb and forefinger. "Because it can't be one moment." He put his hand on Matthew's neck. "We have thousands of moments."

And with that he sealed Matthew's lips with his own.

  
  



	31. "I thought you were paying attention in biology classes."

The first kiss in front of Chan's house had been very gentle. The second kiss on the windowsill at school had been very stormy.

They found a compromise in Chan's room while both wedged the nest between them. Their lips were only on top of each other at first until Matthew returned the kiss and leaned forward, trying to find more points of contact, longing to feel Chan so much more intensely.

Their pace was almost like a torture, especially when Chan seemed to tilt his head only millimetres in order to lose himself a little more and more. Carefully he reached out with the other hand to touch Matthew's face, and then he cupped it with his pale fingers to pull him closer to him.

They broke the kiss for a moment, but stayed close enough together so that they could take a look at each other's faces.

Matthew ran his thumb over Chan's lower lip, wandered upwards in admiration and touched the pretty curve of the soft mouth with the somewhat rough fingertip. Slowly he put his finger on Chan's chin and caressed it while he looked at him with love-drunk eyes. He nudged Chan's nose lightly, smirked at the surprised reaction, before putting his mouth back on his.

The music was still playing in the background and as cheesy as it was, Chan's Ed Sheeran playlist was on shuffle mode at that moment, singing sweet love songs and underpinning the two's warm scene. Chan giggled at that, but stopped when Matthew moved his lips against his and put his arms around him.

The first kind of lustful sound escaped Chan's mouth, whereupon Matthew paused and pulled away from him.

Chan looked at him with flushed cheeks, but held him tightly because he wanted him closer. "What?" he muttered.

Matthew let out a shaky breath. "Sorry, I'm ... just confused." He took Chan's hands in his and leaned back a little. "You send very contradicting signals." He looked at him a little awkwardly. "I can handle it if you don't want anything from me, but this back and forth ..."

"This back and forth only existed because I wasn't sure if you really like  _ me _ ," Chan interrupted, "I thought you were looking for a perfect Omega."

"Chan, I- "

“And it was unfair of me to think so. Since the confrontation with this Alpha group, I've been knowing that you see more in me. You see more in me than I see in myself." Chan laughed softly, a little amused by his own stupidity. "And well, that you remember how we met in kindergarten is more or less a further evidence."

"Chan, I don't want to prove anything. I just want you to understand that I'll always see you as Chan. You could be a Beta, you could be an Alpha, you could be a girl. It doesn't matter." Matthew ran his thumb over the back of Chan's hand. “It's simply nature that my hormones react strongly to you. Neither you nor I can do anything about the fact that we were born this way. "

"I know."

"And I've been in love with you a lot longer."

"I know."

"The fact that you are an Omega isn't a problem for anyone in our group except for yourself."

Chan sighed. "Matt, I know."

"Sorry." Matthew brushed the towel off Chan's shoulders and placed it on the bed next to them. "Then why are you hiding it?"

Chan put his head on Matthew's shoulder. "There are endless reasons," he whispered, "I'm not what I'm taken for. And I can't stop lying. It doesn't work. I can't get out of this vicious circle." He tugged at Matthew's shirt to indicate that the other should crawl into the nest with him.

Matthew complied with the request. “This can't go on forever. Didn't you even tell Changbin?"

Chan slowly kissed Matthew's jaw. “I haven't told anyone voluntarily before. Except for my father. And he reacted rather negatively." Everything and everyone around him gave him confirmation that something was wrong with him. Bang Chan and Omega were two terms which did not blend well together.

Chan continued to fondle Matthew's skin as his hands brushed the other's strong shoulders. He ran his mouth up to his throat until Matthew stopped him.

"Hey, I'm trying to help you, and you're just driving me crazy."

"That's the goal," Chan mumbled, biting Matthew's shoulder playfully while inhaling the warm ginger scent. It was now a little sweeter, more fitting to Chan's preference. Maybe it was an Omega thing that he was sitting on Matthew's lap and wanted to feel every inch of the warm skin to internalize the scent. Actually he did not care about it anyway; he was too distracted by the sensation.

"Chan, honestly. Don't provoke me."

Chan just giggled and played with Matthew's hair before dropping into his nest. He sighed comfortably when he was greeted by the warmth of the blankets and pillows. He reached out to Matthew and pulled the other to him.

Matthew then leaned over him; his face was quite red by now.

"Are you warm?" Chan asked gently and touched Matthew's cheeks in a tender manner.

"Yeah," Matthew admitted with a whisper and ran his hands along Chan's upper body until he could grab the hem of the T-shirt. Carefully he pushed it up so that the cold air hit Chan's skin.

The younger gave a small groan, but allowed Matthew to push the shirt up to his armpits. His face grew hotter when he noticed that his nipples were reacting to the cold.

Matthew looked at the Omega tattoo below his chest and carressed it. "To actually see it is a different story." He smiled and looked into Chan's red face. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because it's embarrassing."

"I don't know why it should be embarrassing." Matthew slowly leaned forward and pressed his lips onto the tattoo.

Even if Chan's skin was still tingling, he had the feeling that it was right. Because he finally allowed himself to be touched and looked at by Matthew like that. In the end, the other had already sacrificed his wish to kiss the tattoo first, just to give Chan more room to breathe. So Chan was more than relieved to thank him for that by letting the other not only look at his tattoo, but also touch it in an intense way.

"Look, it shimmers."

"Should I twist my head now?" Chan grumbled.

Matthew just laughed. "It's okay."

Chan sighed and folded his arms behind his own head. "And what does that shimmering mean?"

"That you're incredibly in love with me?"

Chan then kicked Matthew lightly. "I thought you were paying attention in biology classes."

"If I had to explain this phenomenon on the basis of your hormonal balance, it would kill the mood."

"Oh, the mood's still there?"

Matthew lowered his head again and blew on Chan's chest. "Absolutely." He ran his lips over the skin and let his hands trail along Chan's sides until they rested on his hips. In the end he pressed his mouth against Chan's and took all breath away by sucking lightly on his lower lip.

Chan raised his hands and placed them on Matthew's chest, before he simply grabbed his pecs, which elicited a surprised sound from his counterpart.

Chan suppressed a laugh and wrapped both legs around Matthew's slim waist. It was crazy, but right now his worries seemed subdued. As if Matthew's presence had an inhibiting effect on all the stress. Not only because of his pheromones, which were now distributed throughout the room, but also because of his warm appearance. Chan felt indescribably comfortable having him so close to him.

He frowned when he noticed how Matthew tensed, especially on his shoulders. "What?"

"Nothing. Just give me some time to come down."

Chan smiled. "I didn't know that kissing me was such a torture."

Matthew raised an eyebrow. "Is that a joke? I should sue you for that."

In response, Chan gasped as if he was in shock. He clung to Matthew and leaned his forehead against his. "Why would you sue me? You can arrest me by yourself."

The next second he groaned as his back was pressed flat against the mattress. His wrists were held and put on either side of his head. It took him a moment to find some orientation when he saw Matthew's face right in front of his.

"Maybe I should." Matthew's eyes were suddenly quite dark, which made Chan shiver.

"Matt."

Matthew's lips were immediately attached to Chan's neck.

"Matt," Chan repeated, "That was just a joke."

Matthew carefully took the skin between his teeth and then sucked on it.

Chan tensed up and felt his face heating while on the contrary side an imaginary ice storm rolled down his back. He tilted his head slightly and sighed loudly.

"Are you doing this on purpose? Releasing as many pheromones as possible?" Matthew's tongue traced over Chan's throat, whereupon the younger boy gasped. 

“I'm in a stressful phase. It's natural to release more pheromones under those circumstances,” Chan defended himself.

Doctor Lim had explained to him that it was perfectly normal to long for love and closeness when one felt bad - after all, that was human too. With Omegas, however, the effect intensified with Alphas because they felt more protected with them.

Gradually, Matthew let go of his wrists and dragged him up onto his lap, whereupon he was able to pull the shirt over Chan's head. Slowly he put his mouth on Chan's shoulder and took a deep breath. Then he bit the skin and ran his thumb over Chan's neck. "Ah, make-up", he muttered and smiled.

"Yes, it's all your fault."

Matthew smiled mischievously and moved his hands over Chan's muscles on his back. "Have you been to the gym?"

"A couple of times, yes." Chan returned the smile weakly. "Maybe I'll be competing with you soon."

"You know that I'm stronger."

Chan sighed. That was true. It did not even necessarily have anything to do with Matthew's Alpha genes (although they provided him an advantage). Even before the hormones had been activated, Matthew had always won in competitions about physical strengths. Sometimes he looked inconspicuous when he dressed in baggy clothes, but he hid a good amount of muscles under his wide shirts. The fact that he never fought was not because of his fear or physical weakness, but because he hated violence.

"You said that IP pills stimulated your sex drive," Chan mentioned suddenly, "Is that just because of your hormones or ..."

"You know that I find you attractive."

Chan smiled sheepishly. "Maybe I just wanted to hear it again."

Matthew did not reply, but pulled Chan closer to him to kiss him again. This time he picked up the pace right at the beginning and made Chan's lips bubble by moving his mouth impatiently against it. Meanwhile, his hands wandered down his pale back until he let them rest just above the belt.

Chan felt it only latently, but he still noticed that Matthew's fingers were trembling slightly. As if he was hesitating. So he reached behind him, clasped Matthew's hands and placed them directly on his bum.

That in turn brought forth a shocked sound from Matthew, which was however lost in their little kissing fight.

Chan opened his mouth softly and only felt the tip of the other's tongue on his lower lip. That was enough to make him lean further forward, so that Matthew's hands slid down much easier.

Chan supported himself on the mattress to the left and right of Matthew's hips with his knees, so that the older could freely follow the fabric of the sweatpants with his fingers before he bravely grabbed it. In response, he received an almost melodic moan. It felt like a velvet veil was pulled over Matthew's skin.

When Chan ran his hand over Matthew's chest, only to direct it further down, Matthew broke away and dealt again with Chan's neck, which he loved to put small markings on. That these would later have to be covered up did not bother Chan very much.

For once he did not care about anything, except Matthew. He felt, smelled and tasted so many different things at the same time that he did not want to destroy these intuitive actions by unnecessary thoughts. 

Chan touched Matthew's crotch only lightly, but it was enough to get an approving murmur. There was something about that reaction which made him feel ambitious. He wanted to test out more, cross more boundaries, tease more and more out of Matthew. So with one hand he undid the knot of the string which had been tightening the waistband of the sweatpants. He peeked down briefly, but took notice of how strongly Matthew reacted to him.

Usually Matthew was so controlled and reserved. But now that Chan was provoking him in the slightest, he seemed to go lunatic just as he licked Chan's neck again and breathed warmly against it while he massaged the younger's butt.

Chan escaped a hoarse moan and he reached under the waistband of his pants, shivering, before feeling almost awkwardly for the underwear, too dazed by all the confusing sensations. The fact that Matthew smelled like ginger and a twist of lemon lulled him further, lowered his level of hesitation and made him thirst for more touches.

Just when he thought he was halfway in control, Matthew practically threw him on his back again. It did not hurt, though, because the nest padded out everything well. 

"Matt?"

He did not react verbally at all. His eyes were nothing more than deep wells of passion - a whole new and exciting sight which made Chan's heart beat faster.

Matthew's fingertips passed over Chan's thighs, which immediately caused a sound of pain as the older rubbed the fabric over the numerous cuts.

Chan bit his lower lip and suppressed a painful gasp, but apparently the other had interpreted that as expressions of pleasure.

So he pushed Chan's legs up a little and grabbed the waistband to pull it down.

Chan's mind finally switched, so he held Matthew's hands tightly and took a deep breath. "Wait," he gasped, still completely confused by all the pleasure, but also because he was afraid.

Afraid of what Matthew might see right away.

Matthew blinked until he seemed to wake up. "What? What is it?" he asked, concerned and let go of Chan.

Embarrassed, Chan slipped a little away from him. "I ... that was just too much," he tried to explain. The excuse was stupid. After all, Matthew had probably felt how much Chan had just let himself go. He had been so close to giving in, no, to  _ giving all _ because he could not get enough. The only thing which had stopped him was the shame. The shame of having harmed himself and carrying those wounds on his body as a direct evidence that he was already broken. He would still like to see himself as a normal person, but sometimes he felt so strange - as if his soul was leaving his body at any moment.

Matthew looked down in dismay, looking for some point on the mattress to hold on to. "Sorry, I didn't mean to ..."

"No, you did nothing wrong."

"And why don't you react at all?"

At first Chan did not understand what he meant. But then he noticed that despite the sudden breakdown, Matthew's excitement was still there. Not as strong as before, but it was there. With Chan, however, nothing had changed, at least it was not visible that he was aroused. He felt all the warmth on his face, in his chest, even in his fingertips. Just not down in his crotch.

He did not understand it himself until he looked at the medication. The side effects. Side effects, which could also include s _ exual dysfunction, especially erectile problems and orgasm difficulties _ . The other medications had lowered his libido before (although that did not make too big of a difference with Matthew after all). But Chan was used to stop masturbating, to stop cumming, to stop wanting to feel that explosive feeling in his abdomen.

"Matt ..." he whispered.

"Did you let me touch you because you needed comfort?" Matthew mumbled.

"No." Chan gently shook his head. "Matthew, no."

"Then why are you so ... cold towards me?"

Chan sucked in a sharp breath and grabbed Matthew's hands to bring them to his face. “I'm so incredibly warm. Just because of you. And only for you." Towards the end he got quieter and ran through Matthew's hair. "It isn't your fault."

But on the contrary Chan's inner Omega actually screamed to be pressed onto the mattress in order to finally live out this raging lust with an Alpha, with his Alpha. The sex appeal was definitely there, but - as so often - an unbelievable number of factors played a role which made this situation more than unpleasant.

"Chan, you don't have to find excuses." Matthew took his hands away. “I mean, we've been knowing each other since kindergarten. I get it, if you think it's awkward to do such things with me ... ”

It was really frustrating. Chan wanted to cry.

"Hey, shh," he interrupted and put both hands on Matthew's face. He exhaled, trembling. “It is awkward,” he admitted, “but not because I find it awkward to touch you. For real. It's my fault." He leaned forward gingerly and planted a clumsy kiss on Matthew's mouth. He swallowed hard when he recognized that the other still had doubts.

He took a deep breath and let go of Matthew before leaning over to his bedside table and taking the pack for his antidepressants. "Here." He held it out to Matthew. His heart raced as shame prickled in the back of his neck. But he did not want Matthew to feel bad, so he probably had to go through this now. "Read the backside with the side effects."

Matthew seemed a bit confused, but followed the instruction. His eyes wandered from left to right, starting again and again until he paused. "Oh," he murmured. He blinked several times and lowered the pack. "So you have ..."

"Erectile problems? Apparently, yes."

Matthew put the pack aside. "And why didn't you tell me that before?"

Chan became quite red in the face again. “I didn't know I had this side effect. I don't masturbate."

Matthew's eyes widened at that.

"Not at the moment," Chan corrected himself quickly. Still, he could not help but imagine that Matthew might label him an absolute innocent and pure person. Well, Chan usually did have other things in mind than lust and sex, but still. 

“Since when?"

It was strange talking about it because it was so intimate. However, Chan acknowledged how liberating it was to tell what bothered him. Maybe it was more of a marginal topic (which had become more than prominent in the past thirty minutes).

"I don't know exactly, I don't remember," Chan said, "It's been probably a couple of weeks."

"That's funny. Usually in our phase you're pretty ... sex-driven." Hearing the word so clumsily from Matthew was a bit weird, but in itself Chan liked the straightforward way.

“The pheromone suppression pills lower my lust. And since I'd been taking them for a while, I'm probably only recovering slowly from it."

Matthew sighed. "And then you let us make out?"

"That's … uhm ... So ... yes?" Chan said quietly, "Sorry, I mean, I can still help you."

"... what?"

Chan sat down in front of Matthew and was about to grab his crotch when his hand was held.

"No."

"Why?" Chan suppressed a pout since this was probably less appropriate. 

"Because I don't want you to jerk me off while I can't do anything for you."

That caused a frustrated sound from Chan. Yet he understood. Maybe he could still tempt Matthew.

"Then I won't jerk you off. No problem." Chan propped his forearms on Matthew's thighs and pulled the waistband down so that he could see the shorts. He then leaned forward and pressed his mouth onto Matthew's stomach.

Matthew sat frozen there and grasped Chan's curly hair. Confused, he panted and almost automatically sat down properly, legs apart.

Chan had no idea what he was doing and was therefore quite nervous, but he wanted to make Matthew feel good and show him that the other was anything but off-putting.

"Shit, no, wait. That isn't right," Matthew muttered.

But Chan did not listen to him and pushed his underwear further down. Before his mouth, let alone his tongue, could reach the skin, Matthew pulled him away.

"Chan, I said no."

Chan stared at him with fixed eyes before he sighed and actually let go. He dropped into the nest. He still felt guilty about this unfortunate situation.

"Is there another reason why you reacted in such a panic?"

"Panic is probably an exaggeration."

Matthew shrugged.

Chan avoided his eyes then.

That just made Matthew sigh again. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me now." He laid down next to Chan and pulled him into his arms.

"What about ... your problem?"

"It's okay. I'll calm down soon." Matthew closed his eyes.

Chan thought he would be freezing without a t-shirt, but Matthew was giving off enough body warmth so he gratefully snuggled into the hug. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It's too early for us anyway."

"You think so? But I trust you."

Matthew smiled and opened his eyes again to look at Chan. "And I trust you."

"Where is the problem then?"

Matthew thought for a moment. "I don't trust  _ myself. _ " He paused and looked for suitable words. “Even if we live in a modern society, we still have these primitive sides in us. And I want to hold back as best I can. But I can't always fight my instincts."

Chan had been practically defenseless when Matthew's eyes had shown nothing but lust. Those moments where the older wanted to dominate him as if he were in a kind of power struggle made Chan dither. In fact, it was something which was not like Matthew's meek nature at all.

"You'd never hurt me."

"Yes, I won't let that ever happen. Because I'm in control when it's necessary. "

“You don't always have to be in control. I'm not afraid of you." Chan kissed Matthew's collarbone and snaked his index finger across the caramel-coloured skin. "Because I want to share everything with you."

Matthew let out a rattle which made his chest shake. "Everything?"

"Yes, everything."

* * *

At some point they both fell asleep on the bed and only woke up when they heard that the door was slammed downstairs.

Chan was still dizzy when he straightened up and reached out for his shirt. Shortly afterwards he put it on. "Matt," Chan muttered and leaned over to the other. He kissed his cheek and was suddenly pulled downwards.

"Oh, you're awake."

"Not really tho." Matthew yawned. "What time is it?"

Chan peeked over to his bedside table. "It’s half past four." He put his head on Matthew's chest and ran his index finger in circles over his stomach. "We haven't eaten anything yet."

"True."

Then there was a knock. "Chan?"

Sighing, Chan stood up and turned his head over to the mirror, only to see that there were countless love bites blooming on his milky neck. He struggled out of bed and took a scarf from the drawer of his wardrobe.

"Wait a minute!" he called and straightened the piece of clothes before opening the door.

"Hello, honey." His mother looked past him. "Oh, Jinseok! Hello," she greeted him in surprise.

"Um, Matt forgot his keys, that's why I took him with me," Chan explained, embarrassed.

"No problem. Do you both want to eat something? Then I'll start cooking."

Chan turned to Matthew. "Are you staying to eat dinner with us?"

"Sure," Matthew replied with a smile.

Chan's mother stepped aside so that Hannah could be seen. She gave Chan a short glance before going to her room. 

She did not even notice Matthew.

The mother sighed. "Well, I'll call you when dinner's ready."

"What about dad?"

"He's staying longer in the office today because of the planning for a new hotel."

Chan nodded in response and looked after his mother, who now left the room and closed the door again.

"What's wrong with Hannah?" Matthew asked, confused.

Chan waved it off. "I'll tell you another time." He put his arms around Matthew's neck. "Let's cuddle again," he said.

That made Matthew giggle. "So needy for hugs?"

"Yes, Channie's stressed."

There was silence.

"Did you just talk about yourself in third person?" Matthew asked, irritated.

Chan blinked several times. "Oh, I did?" He had not even realized it and gave Matthew an embarrassed look.

Matthew just laughed and laid back in the nest Chan crawled into as well. “It's really comfy. If you come over, you have to build me a nest too."

Chan rolled his eyes. "I'd rather steal your clothes to expand my nest."

Then Matthew paused, before he put his hand on Chan's head, laughed quietly and kissed his temple. "That's fucking cute." He played with some of his curls and hummed to himself. "I haven't even told you how great your hair colour looks."

"Thank you."

Chan tilted his head back and kissed Matthew's mouth slightly. He felt his own lips sparkle from the touch. It was extremely addicting.

Matthew kept his eyes closed as if he was letting the touch last a little longer. "I could really get used to that," he whispered and grinned.

"You definitely should." Chan ran his hand over Matthew's chest and placed his head on his shoulder, breathing against his neck.

A pleased sigh escaped Matthew. He put his arms around him and dropped his eyelids. "I really don't want to go home." He laughed softly, but it sounded bitter. "I'll probably smell of ... ginger-vanilla-tea."

Chan rubbed his stomach thoughtfully with his thumb. He chuckled slightly. Would such a tea even taste good? "That's not a problem. Just tell your parents you were here. "

Now Matthew opened his eyes again. "What?"

Chan could hardly suppress a smile as he propped himself up on his forearms and looked Matthew in the face. "You can tell them about us."

That Matthew was missing the words could be clearly seen in his expression.

"Tell them you'd found your Omega."


	32. "That's how you behave as an Omega, right?"

In the end Matthew did not tell his parents that he dated Chan. The reason for this was that everything seemed so overwhelming for both of them. They did not know where to start. So it was easier to keep the relationship a secret for now.

The next problem came up the next morning when Chan's father was there at breakfast, and he immediately noticed the Alpha smell. Alphas were sensitive to other Alphas, which was due to the fact that they had previously used pheromones to mark their territory. These instincts were therefore still present - rather to Chan's disadvantage.

"Why do you smell like an Alpha?" he asked directly.

Chan spooned his cereal and ignored him. Apparently his dad did not even remember Matthew's smell. So he should just keep puzzling.

"Matt was here yesterday," Hannah said.

The comment came as a surprise, and Chan wondered if she was doing this to annoy him. Which would be weird. After all, his angel always wanted the best for him.

His father raised his eyebrows. "Oh, so you're going to take the first Alpha you can get?"

"Doowon!" the mother intervened.

Chan rolled his eyes. That was not how he had imagined the announcement of his relationship. He put the spoon reverently on the table. "No, I just really like Matt."

"You're too inexperienced for this Alpha-Omega-constellation."

Chan frowned. “It's still Matt. It doesn't change much between us," he argued, a little piqued.

Chan's father snorted. "You have no idea what Alphas are capable of."

Chan was about to knock the table over. He had been the head boy of a former boys' school with innumerable Alphas. He had been molested by an Alpha. And he had run away from an Alpha group. So he had a very good idea what people with this status could be like. To insinuate that he did not know anything was ridiculous in his point of view. 

“I know about Alphas. But I also know Matt. I trust him," he said firmly.

"At that age, Alphas are particularly stupid, primitive and controlled by lust."

Chan stood up, pushing the chair back. “Are you actually listening to yourself?” He shook his head. “Yes, Alphas can be bad, but only because there are just people. And a person can be whatever they want, no matter the gender." Certainly there were connections between secondary gender and one's own behavior, shaped by roles in society. Even so, Chan did not want to judge by just that; it would be unfair.

"I'm going to my room."

Once he was there, he grabbed his cell phone and looked at his friends' WhatsApp group. Apparently it was getting too stressful with all the preparations for the Masan trip (especially since some of them still had to get a present for Minho). Therefore, the majority had decided to cancel the picnic after all in order to concentrate on making Minho's birthday great in a reasonably organized manner.

Chan looked at his screen in surprise when Matthew called him. He answered. "Hey."

"Hey. SoOoO,” Matthew almost began to sing. The action was so stupid that it made Chan smile. "Since we're both free tomorrow, we could see each other," Matthew suggested.

"Yeah? And what do you want to do?"

"Eating, going for a walk, rummaging around shops… It doesn't really matter. The main thing is that I see you." His undertone sounded so wistful it crushed Chan's heart. In a beautiful way.

"Somebody's missing me."

"I'm going crazy," Matthew admitted, without fussing around, as always. Luckily, he could not see how red Chan was getting.

"Okay, then we'll meet in the marketplace tomorrow," Chan suggested.

"Great. See you tomorrow, my daisy."

* * *

Chan had been standing in front of the closet for a while. Usually he did not care too much about what to wear.

Suddenly his mother opened the door and Chan suppressed an annoyed sigh. Apparently knocking was no longer necessary. “Hey, I'm going shopping. Are you coming with me?"

Chan did not look away from his closet and shook his head. "I'm going out."

"Oh really? With your friends?"

Automatically he nodded.

"That's nice ... But don't forget that we have an appointment with the youth counseling service tomorrow."

Chan sighed and pulled out some clothes. "I haven't forgotten."

"Well, then ... have fun."

Again just a nod.

Then Chan's mother closed the door and he was alone again. Actually, he did not want to be so cold towards her, but he felt cheated on. He had told her things which she should have kept a secret from his father. Then he would certainly not have been so allergic to his admission that he was an Omega. He did not want to blame her entirely. Still, he was sure that it was a decisive factor in this miserable situation.

In the end, he picked up a pair of torn gray jeans and a pastel blue wool sweater which his mother had once given him. At first he had thought about simply wearing black, as always, but the weather and his mood was sad enough already. He did not have to add more fuel to the fire.

He had trouble putting his pants on because the fabric burned on the wounds. After a while, however, he had made it and put his wallet, cell phone and keys in his jacket pockets before leaving the house.

He was really glad that his mother took more care of his siblings; also because Hannah was still mad at him. Chan did not want to talk to her, afraid of hurting her even more. So he hoped her anger would fade away slowly.

Matthew was already in the marketplace, busy typing on his phone.

Chan crept up slowly and leaned forward to look at him from below. "Hey."

Matthew was slightly shocked at the sudden action, but then he had to grin. "Hi." He put his cell phone away and pulled Chan close to him. His ginger tea smell was so strong that Chan was almost dizzy from hormonal happiness.

"Have you texted with someone?"

"Yes, with Min. He's just freaking out, because he seems to be slowly understanding that holidays with the whole group will be a complete disaster."

“Anyway, he's got us. We have this under control."

Matthew smiled. "Yes, that's true." He leaned forward and kissed Chan's cheek. "Are you hungry?"

Chan nodded in response and was dragged along without further ado.

"Didn't you have any more black clothes?" Matthew asked casually.

That made Chan chuckle. "I just wanted to try something new." He clutched Matthew's right arm and leaned against him. "Do you like it?"

Matthew might blush a little when he said a simple, "Yes." in return.

The two of them went into the café, which actually also functioned wonderfully as a restaurant because there were numerous offers for lunch and dinner. Plus the prices were student friendly. Perhaps they should both be careful, as it was not unlikely that someone they knew might show up.

Chan did not want to keep the relationship a secret because he was embarrassed by Matthew (in fact he would just love to brag about him endlessly). The problem was - as so often - he himself. Unfortunately, it was not so unknown that Matthew had quite conservative parents. Of course, they expected their son to bring an Omega. And to be honest, Chan would like to push Matthew to tell them the truth. However, it would also be unfair to their friends. Anyway, Chan could not officially be with Matthew without revealing his second gender as well. He also had no interest in rumors and gossip.

They ordered their food and then talked about all kinds of things. How Matthew could not grasp some guitar chords and how Chan was now desperate in Chinese class because he had not quite understood the book and they would write a test about it after the holidays.

It was strangely lighthearted, but that was what Chan needed. Still, it was a little surreal. Even if he looked closely at Matthew, he always had to deal with the fact that the other was no longer a friend, but his  _ boy _ friend. The thought was beautiful and frightening at the same time. Should everything not just tip over from sheer change?

"I can already see the gears working in your head, Chan," Matthew commented, just as their food arrived.

Chan sighed and looked at his burger. "I just don't know how to manage it."

"What is there to manage?"

Now Chan raised his eyebrows. Was that provocation or was Matthew carefree about it? He could not really imagine the latter. "How we tell your parents about us, how we tell our friends, and how I should," he lowered his voice, "manage to be an Omega."

Matthew started to eat and looked thoughtfully at Chan. "Sometimes you seem to me as if you have already … not really accepted it as a part of you. But you deal with it pretty normally."

"I have no other choice." Chan pressed ketchup onto his fries and spilled it over his fingers, but he did not care.

It would be easier not to be an Omega, but he did not see any great attraction in the other genders either. Could he not just be Chan? “By the way, I'm still in favor of us telling your parents. Then you would have less stress."

"Yeah, but they're expecting ... well, a 'classic' Omega," Matthew muttered, "Not that they'll kick you out. It would just likely be uncomfortable for you."

Chan could not deny that. He was not a typical Omega. He liked to take on leadership roles, he liked heavy training and he sometimes beated arrogant Alphas (it tended to be more verbal, but he also knew how to defend himself physically). He liked to laugh out loud and with his mouth wide open, he stole snacks from the cupboard at night when he felt like it, and also played soccer in rainy weather and in the dirt.

Still, Chan felt guilty. He could keep suppressing his pheromones with pills so that Matthew would not smell so much of him, but Doctor Lim had explained that this could be dangerous outside of mating season. After all, Chan would eventually get used to his pills and would never have control over his pheromones. He would have to give them freedom to slowly learn to control them. Unfortunately, Matthew would get the full pot of vanilla fragrances.

Chan rubbed his lower lip between thumb and forefinger before sighing out loud and finishing his burger.

"You're way too fast," Matthew said with a laugh.

"Yes ... I'm actually still hungry," Chan admitted and looked at the menu again, which Matthew acknowledged with a shake of his head.

"What?"

“I just find it so amusing. Most Omegas feel like eating half a bowl of rice per meal."

Chan made a shocked sound. "How can you survive with so little food?" He puffed his cheeks and just shook his head. Eating was a real passion of his, so he could not imagine starving like that. That sounded like sheer torture.

"I like that about you too," Matthew muttered.

"My appetite?"

"It's more your 'I give a fuck about everything’-attitude," Matthew explained, winking at him.

Chan blushed a little. He did not know why, but that compliment made him feel so warm. He ordered another burger and in the meantime he was eating his fries.

"You know," he said after a while, "I think I could ... maybe put myself into this typical Omega role a bit."

"What do you mean by that?"

Chan pressed his lips together. He stared at his other portion which had come a moment later after his statement. "If your parents want a classic Omega, they can have it."

Matthew blinked several times. "I still don't understand what you mean."

Chan smiled sheepishly. “I don't know, I could be a little more reserved in front of them and thirst a bit over you. That's how you behave as an Omega, right?"

"Chan, you’re the definition of 'social butterfly'. You can't fake your character. Especially if it's supposed to be an honest meeting."

Chan shrugged. “It would be an honest meeting. In that sense, I'm not going to lie. For me, silence is not a lie."

Yes, Chan was pretty "Alpha" in some ways. But he also liked to cook and he liked to wear oversize. He liked to braid his hair and he could be sweet and shy. He built his nests and curled up in them, and he sometimes adored Matthew ad infinitum because he smelled good and was so present.

In the end, he had an Omega inside of him, although he was somehow convinced that the status actually had little to do with it. Chan was Chan. But maybe he could use the right proportions to convince Matthew's parents of his suitability.

"Honestly, I don't want your parents accusing you of sleeping around." It made him feel guilty. After all, Chan's problems turned into Matthew's problems.

"It's worth it to me. And now eat."

Chan did not like receiving orders, but there was something about Matthew's decisive tone which prompted him to end the subject. He just felt honestly bad. Matthew gave him all the love, time and warmth in this world while he could not really give anything back.

To be honest, it bothered him insanely that the antidepressants had a sexually inhibiting effect on him. Matthew knew about it, but Chan could only imagine how he was feeling. Some strange mechanism in him made him wonder whether he was basically an useless Omega. He could not even give Matthew something as primitive and simple as sex.

He shook off the thought and ate.

After that, they went for a walk to digest the food a bit. Matthew held Chan's hand again and blasphemed Mrs. Ahn, who kept nitpicking on his thesis. She was not a bad teacher, but she could be stubborn and strict in some matters.

“Seungmin's also been offered a solo, but has not yet accepted. You can hardly blame him for it." Matthew sighed. "To be honest, sometimes I ask myself why I'm still in that club."

"Because you love singing."

Matthew smiled. "Well, yes, but there are things that I definitely love more." He wiggled his eyebrows and the gesture was so surprising and stupid at the same time that Chan just had to laugh.

It was a bright and free laugh. He could not remember the last time he had made such a sound. His laugh drew attention, but that was not the only thing which made him stand out.

The pheromones poured out from Chan, completely uncontrolled and at the mercy of his emotions.

It was driving Matthew insane. At the same time, he noticed that other Alphas were turning to look at Chan.

It went so far that someone even whistled afterwards, whereupon Chan looked around confused. He blushed when he noticed that the sounds were coming from Alphas and immediately panicked because it reminded him of the situation at the parkour run in the city.

Meanwhile, Matthew was seething with anger. It was ridiculous to be jealous, but he just found it outrageous that other people whistled after Chan. Why did one do that at all? That was just pathetic.

"Sorry," Chan muttered, holding onto Matthew's arm again, "Usually that doesn't happen. I have no clue what’s the reason for this."

Matthew knew the exact reason. Chan's scent. His appearance. Or his damn cute dimples. Others stared at him, of course. He looked so much softer and sweeter than usually today, but it also suited him surprisingly well. Matthew loved and hated it.

It was early evening, but neither of them wanted to go home. So they went to the playground, which was hardly visited by anyone at this time of day anyway.

Chan sat on the swing and looked up at the sky. There were not many clouds to be seen, but he tried to spot a few shapes.

Matthew crouched down next to him and started rocking forth and back. "Have you spoken to your father again?" he questioned.

Chan sighed and shook his head. “He's busy with work anyway. He doesn't really process that I'm an Omega." It still felt strange saying it openly. After the remark about Matthew, he was even angrier at him anyway. If his childhood friend had been so horny, he would not have spent over ten years waiting for Chan. Instead he would have taken the next Omega (he looked good enough for that anyway).

"It's probably a misunderstanding."

"Maybe. But it still hurts."

Matthew got up and grabbed the chains on the swing which Chan was sitting on. "The pain doesn't get better if you don't talk about it."

Chan then chewed his lower lip. "I know ... it's just very difficult for me."

"Are you embarrassed?"

Chan looked up slowly and nodded.

“Are you embarrassed to be an Omega?” Matthew asked.

"Hm, maybe I don't want to submit to you," Chan tried to loosen up the situation in a fun way, but Matthew's look remained serious and hard like iron.

Matthew knelt down and took Chan's hands in his own. “Funny that you say that. I always have the feeling that I’ve completely fallen for you." He giggled. "No, honestly. You belong to yourself. And I'm just by your side, but only if that's what you want."

That elicited the well-known blush in Chan's face. "Matt ..."

Matthew smiled and raised the pale hands to his mouth to blow gentle kisses on his knuckles. The touch was so soft and careful that Chan's heart raced through his chest like a hummingbird. It actually felt like it was melting into a puddle of pure love. All he would like to do was hug Matthew and shower him with kisses.

Matthew tugged lightly on his wrists and looked up at him with attentive eyes.

It gave Chan goosebumps. The way the other ran his thumbs over the back of his hand was soft yet engaging. Although the action was rather subtle, it drove Chan insane. He lowered his eyelids slightly and felt the shiver as his fingers were easily completely enclosed by Matthew's larger hand.

"Alpha, please ..."

Matthew's hands jerked back. "What?"

Shortly afterwards, Chan's bubble burst unconsciously. "What?"

Matthew straightened up and rubbed his hair in embarrassment. "Um ... yes, so ... we should go back. Don't you think?"

Chan nodded, feeling how hot his face was.

Their way back was a bit embarrassing. Nevertheless, they talked to each other reasonably normally, even if Chan's heart would not stop racing. What was wrong with him? Did he seriously refer to Matthew as "Alpha"? It really could not be more primitive.

Chan was not sure what it meant, but he was ashamed of the action. He was also sorry that Matthew did not seem to know how to deal with it.

* * *

Chan held onto the edge of the chair as he went through various ballet positions. The practical exam for physical education would be pretty soon after the holidays and he also had to practice gymnastics. So he decided to do a little something at home. Maybe he should get some ballet slippers too.

Suddenly there was a knock on his door.

"Come in."

The door opened slowly and Hannah stuck her head in.

Chan's heart stopped and his throat went all dry. “Hannah. Um ... do you need something?"

The girl just shrugged and went into his room before closing the door. She looked around the room. "Looks very different."

"Yes ... I just rearranged it a bit."

Hannah sat down next to Chan on the bed and took a pillow which she eventually hugged.

"Do you want to talk?"

She shrugged again and looked out of the window. "I'm still mad at you."

Chan sighed at that. "I know. I’m sorry."

"First your fight with dad and then ..."

"Yes, that wasn't very smart of me."

Hannah's look suddenly turned very sad. "Chan ... I don't want you to leave me."

With this Chan's heart broke cleanly in two halves. To see his little sister desperate in front of him was a pure nightmare and he never thought it would come that far. It was his fault.

"I won't leave you. What mom said isn't true at all. It was an accident. Really." He smiled weakly. “The pills I take are pretty tiring. I just fell asleep in the bathtub. From now on I only shower, okay?"

Hannah let out a long breath and nodded. "Okay, I believe you."

"Good," Chan whispered.

There was silence. Chan actually expected Hannah to leave, but she just sat on his bed and kept staring out of his window. At some point she began to speak again: "Chan, why is it bad for dad that you’re an Omega?"

As a result, all of the hair on his arms stood up. He bit his lower lip and leaned against the wall as he crossed his hands in his lap. “I think because it's unexpected. That I'm an Omega is also a rarer case. He probably didn't expect me to … you know.” Towards the end he got quieter. It hurt him to think about it. Even though his mother had claimed that his father accepted him, it was still difficult for him to approach the other. After the conversation at breakfast, he just felt miserable. And to be honest, he was too much of a coward to talk to him again.

"Do you think it's bad to be an Omega?"

Chan sighed heavily. "You're asking too many questions." He smiled weakly.

Hannah crossed her arms, slightly offended. "Yes, because I'm worried!"

Chan found the gesture sweet and pure. At the same time, he had not enough strength to deal with the subject. Still, he tried to patch up a halfway clever answer: “I don't think it's a bad thing in itself to be an Omega. I think it's rather bad how people treat me, or would probably treat me because of it." He had never grasped the train of thought so consciously, so he was surprised how meaningful the words sounded. For a moment he wondered whether they were meant seriously.

In fact, there was a lot of truth in that statement.

In the end, Chan might not care what he was. He just wanted to be him. And if the Omega existence was a part of it, it was definitely difficult, but it might be manageable. Only his surroundings made it difficult for him ... Even if his mother tried so hard. Even if Hannah was still sitting here talking to him. Even if his friends did not really care too much about secondary genders.

However, the rejections he had received also made it clear to him that he was not coping well with this issue. Hence, the current goal was to lower the damage.

Hannah sighed. "That sounds difficult." She leaned forward. "Tell me something about Matt then."

That made Chan giggle. "What do you want to know?"


	33. "Can you give me my towel?"

Time passed too quickly, so Chan could not believe at first that they would travel to Masan tonight. In fact, he was beginning to feel happy, even if he suspected that he would have to swallow his suppression pills again when they went out among people. Especially since he did not know how much Minho could already perceive.

Chan had made progress in controlling his pheromones, at least over the last few days. However, he sometimes fell into his emotions and involuntarily exuded the scent of vanilla throughout the house, which made him quite uncomfortable because of his father (that was why he opened the windows as often as possible).

It was planned that Minho's mother would take the van to the Bang family home. On the way she would pick up the first boys. The second half should come by another way so that they could go with Chan's mother.

Matthew had a dentist appointment in town today, so Chan had offered to visit him later.

Chan had just finished packing when the doorbell rang.

"I'm opening!" Hannah yelled through the house and hopped down the stairs before opening the door. "Hello, Matt!"

"Hey." The other smiled and looked past her when Chan had also reached the end of the stairs.

He was wearing rather fluffy clothes, including baggy gray sweatpants and a black hoodie. He had wanted to dress as comfortably as possible so that he could maybe sleep on the train ride. Accordingly, he had not bothered to tame his hair, which now danced in natural curls on his head.

Matthew entered and smiled at him. “Already excited?"

Chan nodded and noticed how Hannah looked back and forth between the two of them.

Before he could say anything, his mother stepped into the hall. "Oh, Jinseok, good to see you. I think the others will need a while." She looked at the clock. “Well, just leave your things down here. Until the rest is there, you two can go upstairs."

Matthew bowed slightly. "Alright."

"Can I come with you?" Hannah asked.

"Um, actually I need help in the kitchen, Hannah,” the mother intervened, "Come on, you wanted to clear out the dishwasher."

Hannah pouted, whereupon Matthew comforted her with a "next time". She sighed loudly and then went into the kitchen.

Chan scratched his neck in embarrassment and nodded toward the stairs. "Well then," he muttered and went upstairs, closely followed by Matthew.

As soon as Matthew entered the room he had to blink several times.

"Are you okay?" Chan asked while he closed the door.

"It just smells very strongly of you."

"Oh," Chan said, "I forgot to ventilate, sorry." He blushed a little and wanted to walk to the window when Matthew hugged him from behind.

“No, it's okay. Otherwise it will be cold." He buried his nose in Chan's shoulder and sighed comfortably. “I missed you."

"We saw each other the day before yesterday."

"Yes, it was ages ago!"

Chan snorted softly and turned around in Matthew's arms. "Your hormones are talking again, aren't they?" His hand slipped over Matthew's chest.

"They are basically only programmed for you."

The statement triggered a giggle which sounded like fairy bells in Matthew’s ears.

Chan slowly leaned forward and breathed a kiss on Matthew's cheek. "I missed you too," he whispered with a smile and thoughtfully stroked Matthew's stomach, "Did you eat?"

“I did." Matthew played with one of Chan's curls. His gaze fell on Chan's bedside table. "Where are your pills?"

“I've packed them all up. Just in case."

That elicited a thoughtful expression on Matthew's face. “But Minho cannot perceive pheromones yet. At least that's what he told me."

It was reassuring, but Chan wanted to be on the safe side. As before, he stroked Matthew's stomach until he grabbed his belt.

The action made the other flinch before laughing. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Isn't it uncomfortable for you to wear jeans on the train?"

“Oh yes. But I can also change later." Matthew took Chan's hand and led it away from his waistband. He kissed the pale fingers fleetingly and then rubbed his cheek against them while closing his eyes. The way he did it was so amiable that Chan could not help but hug Matthew.

In the end, they both sat in the upper nest listening to music from Chan's favourite playlist. Chan sat on Matthew's lap and casually scrolled through Twitter, while the older one could not keep his fingers off him and repeatedly ran over his hips or caressed his strong shoulders.

Chan liked being touched like that. There was so much desire behind it, but he found that Matthew was holding back his sexual intentions. Still, he wanted to touch every inch so urgently that it sent a chill down Chan’s back. He winced when Matthew grabbed his legs and rubbed the fabric of his pants over his cuts.

“Everything okay?"

Chan nodded and turned his head to him. "I'm just sensitive there." He smiled slightly. "Be a little more careful." His voice was soft as butter from tiredness. He also had a habit of stressing some syllables nasally or making the words sound round and soft. It was playful and melted Matthew's heart like ice under the sun.

The next moment the doorbell rang again.

"Oh, the others are here." Chan got up and picked up his backpack.

Matthew, in turn, grabbed his sports bag and helped him to maneuver the luggage down. On the top third of the stairs, however, Chan stopped and turned his head to Matthew. “Should we tell them we're together? I don't want to steal the spotlight from Minho."

"Let's decide it spontaneously and by feeling,” Matthew replied and kissed Chan's forehead before walking past him with the sports bag.

Downstairs in the doorway were Minho, Jeongin and Seungmin (pretty squashed and wrangling) while they talked to Chan's mother.

"Hey!" Minho greeted, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, let's go," Matthew answered.

Chan said goodbye to Lucas and Hannah, who were about to go to the neighbours so that his mother could drive. His father was not here because he was stuck in the office as usually, but that was fine with Chan. He did not want to talk to him again, or else his good mood would be destroyed.

The car ride was pretty chaotic with all the voices talking. They were even divided into two groups. Why was it always so damn loud?

The farewell was all the worse because they had to thank the parents all over the place for driving and the trip itself, whereby in uncomfortable moments some did not even know whether it was appropriate to change the honorifics and whether shaking hands and bowing would be too formal, but hugs too familiar.

“And you have everything? Also your parents’ signatures?" Minho's mother asked again to be on the safe side.

There was a murmur of approval as an answer, which was acknowledged with a satisfied expression on her part.

Then the boys were allowed to wait alone at the train station. It was a bit cooler by now, so Chan was quite grateful for his jacket.

Without further ado, however, Hyunjin snuggled up to him. He probably could not have enough warmth. Out of the corner of his eye he also saw Felix hanging on Jisung, who in turn hugged Jeongin. It was a heartwarming picture.

_ "KTX to Masan on platform 12. Be careful with the entrance," _ a woman's voice announced over the loudspeakers.

The people got out. The rolling of the suitcases and the jagged steps filled the background noise of the station before the new passengers could get on board.

Actually, two four-seaters and one two-seater had been reserved, but since it was always difficult with nine people, they ended up sitting on the two four-seaters, while the extra bags which no longer fit on the shelf piled up on the empty two-seater.

Matthew went to the bathroom to change so he could join the sweatpants club.

"Wow, it's really late." Minho yawned. It was 11 pm - the train was a bit late too.

"After all, you guys are finally a bit calmer," Chan mumbled and rubbed his eyes. He was getting pretty tired himself.

Meanwhile, Matthew came out of the toilets and Chan thought it was unfair that he looked so good in gray sweatpants and a green hoodie.

"Well, we could talk about how we want to divide our rooms," Seungmin suggested.

"As far as I know we are kind of like in a small apartment," Minho explained, "So three rooms with three beds are connected via a small hallway. The bathroom’s also there."

"Oho, that sounds luxurious," Hyunjin commented.

"In fact, it's cheaper like that," Minho replied, "So we can basically always switch."

"Gangbang," Jeongin mumbled, whereupon everyone looked at him in shock.

"Excuse me?" Changbin said, perplexed.

Jeongin cleared his throat. "I said it was going to be great fun!" He grinned broadly and showed off his gorgeous braces, but the others were still pretty baffled at the comment. So the youngest rolled his eyes. “Oh my gosh, that was just a joke. Why are you looking at me like fishes? Didn't you ever think that our group is a mess? If we were - I don’t know - playing in a porn or something, then ... ”

"Okay, let’s change the subject!" Chan interrupted him quickly and took a box out of his backpack, "Does anyone want cookies?" So the box went around in the group. Several small conversations were started.

“For real? You don't have your laptop with you?” Changbin asked in surprise.

Chan shook his head. “You?"

"No, but I'm not a workaholic like you."

He was right about that, but it would have been more than inconvenient to take something as valuable as the laptop with him. Chan had backups, but it would still be a hassle to reinstall and sort everything. Also, just yesterday he had set a picture of Matthew as background.

"I just thought it would be nice to switch my mind off,” Chan muttered and crossed his arms. So cuddled up and pouting one could not take him seriously anymore.

Matthew smiled and pulled him up before throwing his arms around him.

"God, take a room.” Minho smirked and watched with a grin as Matthew pulled the younger boy closer.

"Don't do that," Chan breathed, still sniffing Matthew's hair before placing his head on his shoulder.

Suddenly Jisung burst between them. "I want to cuddle with Chan Hyung too!" Then he threw himself on the two of them, causing giggles. This, in turn, was observed by a few passengers with wrinkled noses, but in the end they were able to reorganize themselves in the two four-seaters, so that they no longer hopped around like crazy.

The train ride brought no further complications, so they arrived in Masan after an hour as planned. Amid a lot of chaos, they fetched their luggage from the shelf and the two-seater and squeezed through the narrow corridor outside into the cool evening air.

Minho already had his mobile phone with Google Maps ready and showed a way along.

"We have to take the bus and travel for two stops."

Fortunately, nobody had a suitcase or anything like that. After all, they would only be gone for three days. Therefore, everyone had their flexible, compact sports bags with them (an advantage that everyone in the group was involved in sports).

The bus ride was a lot quieter because some people had apparently been traveling and sleeping for a longer time (they had enough manners after all).

When they reached the station, they got out and looked at the cute hotel in front of them. There was something familiar and warm about it. It was no-frills. Chan liked it.

They went to reception as a group and checked in. The receptionist seemed a bit overwhelmed with the horde of teenagers, but luckily everyone just let Chan do the talking. He had always been responsible for organizing swimming tournaments, for example.

They decided to take the stairs because the elevator was definitely already too narrow to take two people with their sports bags upstairs. Unfortunately, there was a lot of echo in the stairwell, which is why Chan had to warn the others several times to be quiet.

“Well, we only have three keys. So always stay with someone who also has the key,” Chan explained as he unlocked, “I'll take one key. Minho and Seungmin will keep the others."

“Why Seungmin? He's even younger than me!” Jisung complained.

"Yes, but at least he has a better memory,” Hyunjin argued almost spitefully, "I mean, how often have you forgotten your  _ own _ text at your little 3Racha performances?"

Jisung gasped in indignation. “It happens faster than you think! And once I had hiccups."

They entered the small round hallway which connected the rooms. The rooms were distributed symmetrically and on the far left was the bathroom, as Jeongin discovered a few seconds after he had opened the door.

"So who puts his things where?"

Felix immediately clung to Changbin, who dropped his bag in surprise.

“What? I thought you loved me! ”Jisung said, wailing.

"Maybe it's better anyway if we separate the chaos twins," Minho objected and grinned, "How about some unconventional divisions?"

Seungmin shrugged his shoulders. "Well, you’re the birthday boy, so you can decide."

“Ah right! The power of birthday!" Like a villain from a children's film, Minho laughed out loud and rubbed his hands, "Good, so Felix and Changbin will be in a room then." He tapped his chin. "Then we add Seungmin."

He turned around. "Jeongin’s in a room with me aaaand ..." He paused briefly to think. “Hyunjin. The rest is obvious."

“What’s unconventional about the combination of Matthew and Chan?” Seungmin asked.

Minho clicked his tongue. “Shit, you're right. But well, there are nine of us. It's difficult to decide."

"Let's just swap you and Matt," Seungmin suggested.

“Ah, good idea. That fits."

So they walked into their rooms and put their things in there. Chan yawned several times and just wanted to sleep, but he knew that they would have to get together again to at least say what was planned for the next few days.

The problem arose when the rest of the boys burst into the room and were now sitting on three beds. The room was quite small, which is why it went haywire until everyone had found their place. Everyone sat in their planning group and they took turns to explain the plan.

It was clear that they wanted to go swimming. How was Chan supposed to survive this? He would probably have to come up with an excuse, even if he hated the idea of doing it on Minho's birthday.

Matthew seemed to read his mind as he gave him pitying looks. However, he remained quite subtle with it.

"I also thought that we could play a game," Minho said.

"A game?" Seungmin repeated suspiciously, "Man, that's not an embarrassing school trip."

Minho giggled. "No, I'm not talking about truth or dare or anything." He took a pad out of his pocket and his pencil case. "The game’s about everyone having a task for another person and killing them with it. An example." He pointed to Chan. “Chan's job is to give me a book. As soon as I accept it, I'll be dead and he'll get my task."

"Ahhhh, that sounds really funny,” Jeongin said.

Minho grinned. “Right? Anyone who’s dead will be punished afterwards."

The group started mumbling and then decided that the idea was actually a pretty good one. Especially since they could play that incidentally.

“Well, then everyone writes down a task and a penalty. After that, everyone picks their task."

Shortly afterwards everyone sat there pondering over some ideas. Chan was never very creative with such gimmicks (he did not like coming up with something like punishments). In the end something occurred to him and he scribbled all over the paper.

The strips of paper with the tasks remained on the table because they were about to take them anyway. In addition, Minho had left scraps of paper with each name next to it, as they would logically have to pick them too. They kept the penalties in Chan's now empty cookie jar.

"Okay, everyone takes turns."

The "one after another" rule was followed rather reasonably, but in the end everyone held two pieces of paper in their hand.

Chan unfolded his and first saw the name  _ Seungmin _ . The slip of paper on the other hand revealed the task  _ Get the person to sing their favourite song (at least 20 sec). _

That sounded at least halfway doable. Especially since everyone knew that Seungmin was a big Day6 fan. However, Chan also had to keep in mind that the younger one was quite shrewd and understood things faster than the average. But he could think about that later.

“Well, then we should slowly get ready for bed. Breakfast is around eight o'clock,” Minho instructed. It was a little strange that he was in charge, but Chan did not think it was that bad. After all, it was nice not to be in complete responsibility all the time.

There were at least always three boys in the bathroom (which was only possible thanks to the space and two sinks). Chan liked the coming chaos. It was colourful and happy, full of energy. It distracted him from his everyday stress.

He was still busy sorting his things in the closet. Normally he would just stuff the entire bag in there, but he had to buy time because everyone was getting changed and he could not do it in front of everyone.

"Why are you tidying everything up so neatly?" Jisung asked.

"Because I'm not as messy as you are," Chan replied with a smile, which the younger one answered with a pout.

Most of the others were already finished and were now setting up their rooms, while Chan locked himself in the bathroom. He had just taken off his sweater when there was a sudden knock on the door.

"Chan, it's me," he heard Matthew's voice, "I have to brush my teeth."

Chan let out a sigh of relief when he realized who was on the other side. Immediately he opened the door and pulled Matthew inside.

The older boy stood at one of the two sinks brushing his teeth while Chan continued to undress, trying to hide his thighs.

Matthew almost choked on his toothpaste when Chan took off his boxers and stepped into the shower to wash himself. Although the curtain was in the way and Chan had not shown much skin in those fractions of a second, the mere idea that he was naked and wet a few metres from him had something … engaging.

Actually, the two of them had seen each other naked often enough (they had been friends since kindergarten, damn it), but not in this context. So it was a little scary. Especially since Matthew's heart pounding wildly and his hand was shaking as he moved the brush in circles.

"Matt."

He rinsed his mouth and wiped his wet lips. “Yes?"

"Can you give me my towel?"

Matthew got dizzy. "Sure." He took the towel and went to the shower.

Chan was careful enough not to show the bottom half of himself as he held the curtain out of his way. "Thank you." He smiled as the water slid down his skin in transparent pearls. It had an almost magical effect as Matthew's eyes were glued to his bare shoulders. Then they wandered on to the Omega tattoo, which was below Chan’s chest.

Chan disappeared behind the curtain and came out a minute later. This time the towel was wrapped around his waist. He took another one and used it to dry his hair.

"Chan, how do you want to solve that with the thermal baths?" Matthew asked. According to the plan, they wanted to visit them the day after tomorrow.

“I'll pretend to be sick or … I don't know. I'll think of something." Chan brushed his teeth as well.

Matthew stood behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. "Do you think this is a good idea?"

Chan just hummed. He was not able to do more anyway. After washing his mouth, he turned to Matthew. "I can't do anything else." He tapped Matthew on the nose and tilted his head slightly to one side. "What is it?"

Matthew was busy looking at the velvety skin again. "You have become paler," he stated.

"Yes,” Chan merely breathed. His pulse was racing, mainly because he did not know whether the towel was not too short to hide the cuts on his thighs.

However, Matthew seemed to have eyes for his face only anyway.

"Don't you want to change too?" Chan asked at some point and smiled slightly. He ran his fingertips over Matthew's face.

"Yeah, sure," Matthew muttered, not moving an inch.

Chan could not suppress a smile any longer. "You want a kiss, don't you?" He put his index finger on his own soft lips.

"God, why do you have to provoke me like that?"

In response, Chan giggled and put both arms around Matthew's neck before pressing a kiss on his mouth.

They did not kiss often. Especially when they were outside, they were often too shy for that. Therefore, the touch triggered a tingling sensation, because it was something special.

Without hesitating Matthew wrapped his arms tighter around Chan and pressed his mouth longingly on his.

Chan paused in surprise, then hesitantly returned. The contrast of the cold sink against his tailbone and Matthew's warm body against his chest was electrifying.

Chan was a little flustered every time Matthew was so forceful in his actions, unlike usually when he was so gentle and calm. Slowly he broke away and pushed Matthew back. "Don't be too hasty," he whispered, amused.

"You make it difficult for me." Matthew attached his lips on Chan's neck and ran his hands down his sides until he could grab the towel.

That in turn caused a slight panic in Chan. He really wanted to get further. Even if they were standing here in the bathroom, he would actually have no problem indulging in his instincts. Nevertheless, he could not stop thinking about all the ugly wounds he was so ashamed of.

"Slow down," he susurrated and stroked Matthew's hair, "Besides ... I can't." The fact that the medications were causing sexual dysfunction was a very welcome excuse.

“Right. Sorry, I forgot." Matthew smiled sheepishly, but could not hide the bulge in his pants.

Chan looked at him apologetically and kissed his cheek. "Wait, I'll help you," he breathed barely audibly and ran his hand under the waistband, but was stopped by a firm hand. He looked almost accusingly at Matthew.

“No, you don't have to. I'm going to take a cold shower."

"Why do you never let me?" Chan wrinkled his nose and tried to push Matthew's hand away.

"Because - as I said before - it would be unfair."

Chan snorted. “How so? I want to!"

Matthew sighed in frustration. One could tell from his slightly trembling fingers that it was just as difficult for him to keep himself under control. "You can be so stubborn," he whispered, reaching into Chan's curly hair.

"And you're a prude." Chan stuck out his tongue.

"A prude?" Matthew had to laugh quietly. "Do you want me to lose control of myself,  _ Christopher _ ?"

Chan always felt his chest tighten as soon as his full name was spoken. He was so used to being called Chan or Chris, which is why it was always a little oppressive to be called that way.

"Yes, maybe I want that," Chan replied mockingly, whereupon Matthew's grip tightened a little and he sighed softly. He rolled his eyes back slightly when the other person took his hand and placed it on his own crotch .

"Are you sure?" Matthew questioned, this time in a confident voice. The ominous undertone remained.

Chan fixed him and opened his mouth to barely gasp. His inner Omega was on the verge of taking over to probably make some pretty obscene statements. Chan would not have cared.

Just then there was a knock.

“Jin? Chan?” It was Minho. "Hey, I forgot my socks in the bathroom. Open up, please."

In a matter of seconds the tension between them burst, whereupon they scurried around excitedly, Matthew then jumped into the shower and Chan squeezed into his clothes. He unlocked the door and looked at Minho with flushed cheeks.

"Oh, did it get that hot in there?" the younger asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I took a shower," Chan replied breathlessly and brushed past him while the thoughts were still tumbling wildly in his head. What was he thinking?

He arrived in the room completely blown by the wind and was accordingly viewed with skepticism by Jisung. "Are you okay, Hyung?"

“Yes, of course! Let's just go to sleep."


	34. "You know, if it bothers you so much, do something."

"I really want to take a walk in the harbour!"

"Why? It just smells like fish anyway."

For five minutes, Jisung and Seungmin had been discussing whether they should take a walk along the Japanese Sea. Seungmin seemed to have less interest, while Jisung really wanted to inhale the sea air.

"Oh, it's so romantic there at night that you can ignore it," Changbin tried, as always, to settle the argument.

A whistle went through the Maknae line.

"Oh, who would you like to go for a walk with?" Jisung purred and seemed to forget his anger about Seungmin's uncooperative streak for a short time.

Changbin did not let that bother him and instead drank a sip of orange juice while just shrugging his shoulders.

Meanwhile, Chan was busy planning the route for today. He and his members Felix and Hyunjin from Group One had decided to first go to the climbing park and then explore the streets, which also offered cafés and other shops. Chan had taken care of the bus tickets before breakfast and was relieved to find that the climbing park was within the free zones. Now all he had to do was to check the connections and find out more about the destination.

Minho was afraid of heights, but he saw it as a "birthday challenge". Chan could only guess that he had agreed because he knew that the majority of them liked to climb. But as he knew him from kindergarten, that was probably quite likely. Maybe Minho seemed cool and mean at times, but he was actually pretty caring. One could tell when his rigid expression turned to a smile (no wonder he was adored in general).

"Are you finally finished with planning?" Changbin asked, "You have to eat something."

At that moment, Chan also noticed that he had not touched any of the breakfast, even though he had loaded a whole plate with jam, bread and fried eggs. He pushed the plan aside and began eating the food.

After everyone was done, they went upstairs to their room and got their things from there. Then they went to the bus station and it was a bit chaotic on the way.

Felix and Jisung wrangled a bit between the others because they were "fighting" over a pack of juice (everyone was aware that they just liked to fight playfully sometimes without hurting themselves seriously).

As soon as they were on the bus, the situation calmed down. Since it was still quite early, they were the only ones there - with the exception of a slightly older couple.

Chan was sitting next to Changbin and shared headphones with him. The fact that Changbin's playlist consisted mostly of rap and hip hop did not bother Chan very much. After all, he heard everything on Spotify all over the place.

At one point he leaned against Changbin and closed his eyes while smiling. His fingers traced patterns on the back of the other's hand.

"Clingy today, aren't you?" Changbin asked in amusement while still looking out of the window.

"I'm just happy to be with you." Chan opened his eyes and grinned. “No homo."

Changbin rolled his eyes but repeated the last statement with a smile. The next moment he turned back because the others were talking rather loudly. Once again Seungmin and Jisung were arguing about whether to go to the harbour.

"They only fight because they enjoy it, right?" Changbin muttered.

"Well, Hyunjin's probably no longer enough for Jisung as a victim," Chan replied, humming. He then took Changbin's cell phone - the background was the 3Racha logo - and stopped the music before unplugging the headphones. "I'll borrow it for a minute."

Changbin held up his hands as a sign that Chan was welcome to help himself.

"Hey, Seungs,” Chan interjected, "You'd better stop messing with Jisung and tell me what the best Day6 song is."

Seungmin tapped his chin and ignored Jisungs, "What the hell?! We’re not finished yet!".

“Every Day6 song is the best, but currently my favourite is  _ I smile _ .”

"Oof, I’m not sure if I know that," Chan said, which was completely a lie. But for now that was probably allowed. "Wait, I'll search the song." He immediately selected the song and the first notes of the guitar were heard before the drums began.

Seungmin closed his eyes and sighed, apparently because he immediately lost himself in the music. It was not long before he sang along. The others fell silent when they heard his soft voice dancing along the lines of the song.

Chan began to smile unconsciously. Somehow, it always made him happy when he saw other people enjoying music. It showed once again that no matter how different people are, they are connected to one another through songs, they feel affinity and similarity.

Chan let the song finish. The others clapped and whistled. The couple in front of the bus also seemed to be having fun.

"Wow, you settled that argument well," Changbin said.

Chan laughed out loud. "Actually, that wasn't my intention." He unfolded the piece of paper he had picked yesterday. "But my job was to make Seungmin sing his favourite song for at least 20 seconds."

All expressions slipped away from the younger’s face while the rest of the group laughed gleefully.

Seungmin puffed up his cheeks and snorted before he had to laugh too. After giving Chan his own task, he had to pull out a snippet of the punishment tasks which Minho was keeping.

"Give a speech before every meal," he read out loud. Then he sighed. "Oh, great."

He could not be angry for a long time because they had now arrived. Finally they also managed to sort themselves into a row in which they entered the building. Chan and Minho got the tickets without further ado and then joined the others who had already left their things in the changing room.

Since they were all already dressed for sports, they could immediately continue to wait in the hallway in front of the entrance until their guide came.

"I thought we were going to a climbing park ," Seungmin said with a frown.

Chan shrugged. "The brochure sometimes said park and sometimes hall ..." Up until now he had not given it much thought, but now that Seungmin mentioned it, he was confused too.

Their group leader was a young woman, an Omega, who asked to be addressed by her first name, Miya. She had her black hair tied in a high ponytail and looked strangely tough as soon as she clapped her hands and enthusiastically showed the hall. It consisted of colourful climbing walls, but also rings, planks and columns.

“There's also a place for climbing outside. You can climb there later when it’s free,” she explained.

"Ah, that explains why the brochure says park and hall," Seungmin said.

She nodded. “Precisely." Then she put her hands on her hips. “So, which of you has climbed before?"

Except for Minho, Jisung, and Matthew, everyone raised their hands.

“Great! That makes getting started easier. We'll take the wall over there." She pointed to one of the lower walls. "We start easily." She picked up the equipment and distributed it to everyone.

In between there was confusion about where the legs belonged and how to close those straps again. But through mutual instructions that was also achieved at some point.

“Just test that everything's sitting right. Pull firmly."

"And is it really enough just to strap everything around the waist?" Minho mumbled and looked around nervously.

“Yeah, totally! You need freedom in your arms. Later you'll also notice that it's already strenuous on the legs." Miya smiled encouragingly. “But nothing bad has ever happened here. I'm there too so that you don't make any mistakes when backing up. Although there isn't much you can do wrong anyway."

"I don't know if I did it right," Felix claimed and grabbed a little helplessly his straps.

Suddenly Matthew stood behind him and pulled his belt once so that Felix fell forward. However, the other held him tightly and let him float lengthways across the mat floor.

"Seems like it works," he said and pulled Felix back.

"Ah, there’s a strong Alpha on board," Miya commented, "Then I certainly don't have to worry about your group." She winked, and something about it was latently bothering Chan.

Chan was in the first group to climb. Seungmin, Jeongin and Changbin participated as well. The rest secured them and the fact that Matthew was doing this for Chan reassured him.

He knew there was no need to be jealous. But he did not like the fact that Omegas could hit on Alphas at any time. Most always thought that only Alphas were the ones drooling over Omegas. They did, but that did not mean Omegas could not be just as stupid and blunt. In general, people just had trouble holding back their instincts, but that should never be an excuse.

He snorted and grabbed the coloured stones to move up further. His inner anger fanned his motivational fire, so that he reached his goal quite quickly. The others followed, with Seungmin slipping just before finishing. It did not matter because Minho could hold him safely, but Seungmin resented his failure.

Chan let himself fall and enjoyed the feeling of sailing towards the ground like a leaf in the wind. As soon as he landed, he turned to Matthew, who was walking towards him.

"Thanks for backing up." Chan put his arms around his neck.

"Not in front of the kids," Matthew teased, whereupon Chan rolled his eyes and let go. It was better that way, because Minho already looked like he was about to make another very useless comment.

They switched so that the other half could climb too. Felix was secured by Miya so that he would not have to wait any longer.

Then they went to the challenging walls, some of them inclined and the different shapes of the stones made it difficult to get up.

Even if Minho complained from time to time that he was about to die, he fought against his fear (as long as he did not look at the ground, which was avoided in most cases thanks to his strained concentration).

"You guys are doing great!", Miya praised, "How about a break? Then we can go outside.”

The boys got their backpacks from the cabin and had a drink. They had packed up from breakfast and ate the snacks before they left the hall.

The weather was quite pleasant. Sometimes the wind was blowing up, but since everyone had their jackets with them, it hardly bothered anyone.

"The park’s really beautiful," Changbin said.

Chan confirmed this with a hum and also looked around. He did not even know where to climb first. Since he was warm now, he was also much more motivated. The altitude spurred his ambition, and he found himself thinking that the world and its problems seemed insignificant in the minutes he was competing against gravity. It was also good to see the others having fun as well.

Jisung and Felix had found a new occupation in wrapping themselves in the ropes, so they had to be untangled from this chaos.

"Maybe you should just be tied to a tree," Jeongin suggested.

"Uh, I like that idea," Seungmin confirmed.

As a result, protests of the two came back and a huge group discussion was started about whether it might be appropriate to chain the two somewhere so that they could keep their feet still. The ultimate solution, however, was limited to separating them for the time being.

That did not seem particularly bad either, since Jisung found fun squabbling with Hyunjin and Felix was busy adoring Changbin, whose biceps was visible every time he climbed.

This time, Chan secured Seungmin. Fascinated, he observed how the younger boy carried out every movement carefully and only rarely hesitated. Even when climbing, he proceeded strategically to make as little effort as possible. It reminded him a little of his way of running parkour.

After a while, Minho had enough and sat down on one of the benches to watch his friends.

After Seungmin had finished climbing he went over to Felix and Jeongin. So Chan decided to crouch down next to Minho.

“Hey. Does the birthday boy have fun?" He offered the other something to drink, which was accepted.

"The height kills me completely."

"Oh, you do very well for that." Chan winked at him and looked up at the sky. "But you only actually agreed because the others want to climb."

Minho shrugged and smiled. "I wouldn't have fun myself if the rest didn't have any."

Chan giggled at that. "Awww, how cute!" he teased the younger boy and began to tickle him, whereupon Minho struggled.

“Stop it! No!" Minho laughed. "Chan-ah!"

Chan stopped abruptly while looking at him with his mouth wide open. "Did you just call me Chan-ah?!" He crossed his arms indignantly. "I am your Hyung!"

Minho just stuck out his tongue and sat down properly again.

The two looked over at Changbin and Matthew, who were busy securing Jisung and Felix.

The two were doing well, although Jisung was really believed to have been a squirrel in his last life. However, since he himself was a bit afraid of height, at some point Felix took the lead.

Suddenly Miya tapped Matthew’s shoulder and pulled on his strap before she put her hands on his, apparently to show him that he should hold the rope differently. Then she grabbed his hip to change his position.

"Well, I think that Hyunjin's posture could be improved if he doesn't want to bring someone to death," Minho stated and Chan agreed entirely. Miya was very nice, but why did she always have to touch Matthew without permission? Just because he was an Alpha did not mean he should not have private space too.

He snorted softly and leaned back.

Minho did not miss that. "You know, if it bothers you so much, do something."

“What?"

Minho smiled. "You two are unbelievable." He shook his head and looked up at Jisung and Felix again. "How much longer will it take you?" he whispered, barely audible.

Chan suddenly felt the need to tell him. After all, Minho was not just friends with Matthew since early childhood. Chan had known Minho the longest, and while they were not so closely interwoven, there was a special bond between them. Because they knew a lot of silly little details about each other. And that was only possible if you had known each other over this long period of time. That particular familiarity.

Still, Chan held back. He was not sure if it was okay to say something if Matthew was actually responsible for it. Or at least had a say.

The time flew by and it was becoming afternoon. They had checked out most of the stations, so they decided that it should be enough. So they stripped down their equipment and returned to the locker room to pack their things. Then they went into the reception area where Miya was standing to say goodbye.

She smiled again at Matthew and handed him a piece of paper with a series of numbers on it.

Most of the group were already outside, but Chan was still waiting in the doorway. He watched Matthew, who handed the note back and bowed politely before saying something. Finally, he nodded in the direction of Chan, who blushed against his will.

Miya put her hand over her mouth and laughed embarrassed. She said goodbye to Matthew with a handshake, then turned around.

"So, you had a nice conversation?" Chan asked and raised his eyebrows.

"She's nice," Matthew replied.

"But too old for you," Chan teased.

Matthew sighed and slapped Chan’s bum. It wasn't strong, but it was surprising. Especially since Chan was not used to this side of him. “Be quiet and come with me. Otherwise we'll miss the bus, Mr. Leader."

* * *

A city tour was planned for the rest of the afternoon, for which they wanted to rent bicycles. Most of them, however, longed to change clothes and take a shower, as the climbing had been quite exasperating.

Chan was alone in his room when someone knocked. He pulled on a t-shirt. “Come in."

Matthew slipped through the door and grinned widely. "Guess who managed to fulfill their task."

“Oh!" Chan turned around. "Who did you get?"

“Changbin. My job was to have him lend me a shirt." To emphasize this, he lifted said shirt and leaned against the door. "I thought you might want to be there when he picks his punishment."

“Sure." Chan was packing his backpack when he noticed that Matthew was examining the room with interest. “What is it?"

The older took the shirt off Chan's bed and blinked several times before burying his nose in it.

Immediately Chan's face turned into a tomato. “Don’t do that! Matt, that's dirty laundry!” he said, embarrassed.

"Smells good anyway," Matthew replied and sighed.

Chan was uncomfortable with the other sniffing at the sweaty item of clothing. Even if he could understand Matthew. When he was climbing earlier, Chan had tended to stay away from him, as the pheromones were more attractive to him as soon as the other person sweated.

"Let's go outside," Chan muttered and pushed Matthew out of the room (after taking possession of his shirt and throwing it back on the bed).

Outside, the others were already gathered in the narrow hallway and were watching Changbin, who was pulling a piece of paper out of the box with an unwilling expression on his face. "Present a musical piece at 5pm every day until the trip’s over." Annoyed, he groaned while Jisung laughed openly at him.

Then they enjoyed the bike tour through the city. Even if the streets were full of cars, you had a good view of interesting shops and buildings. There were also enough bike paths.

It was surprisingly easy to block out the loud background noise when Chan looked at his friends who were chatting calmly while driving. The wind kept coming up and swirling his curls as the people passed him.

“And? Did you have fun today?"

He looked to the left and saw Felix smiling at him.

_ “Yeah, it was nice.” _

"Did you see how I climbed?  _ I think I could join a monkey family.” _

Chan laughed. “Yes, maybe.  _ You can try to apply for that." _

As Felix smiled, his lips curled in a cute way. When the sun fell on his face he looked like a doll with star-like freckles speckled on its cheeks. Suddenly the thought occurred to Chan that he had to protect his cousin-alias-basically-little-brother from becoming too pretty because he - depending on what status Felix would have - had to keep all types of people away from him.

What was Felix? He was a bit more fragile, so maybe he was an Omega. Or a Beta?

"What are you thinking about?" Felix asked.

"Where we could have a drink," Chan replied and was surprised how fluid the dizziness had come from his lips. He took one hand off the steering wheel and pointed to a café. "We could go there."

They parked the bicycles and went into the café, which was pretty full. The group was led over to two round tables, but they were close enough so that everyone could talk to each other.

The café had a more modern style, painted in the colour scheme of soft green and white. The light which shone through the wide panoramic windows made the room appear larger than it was. Furthermore, this illusion was supported by the space-saving formation of the tables, which is why the waiters had enough room to transport full trays across without the fear of colliding with one another.

"I like the shade of green," Hyunjin said and looked around.

"It's celadon green," Seungmin noted while looking at the menu.

Hyunjin frowned. “What?"

Seungmin sighed and put down the card. “Is it that hard to remember a name for a colour? I went to an art museum with my mother and there were these vases. Old Chinese porcelain. They often have this type of green."

"Nerd!" Jisung quaked from his seat and was stabbed by Seungmin's eyes.

Fortunately, the discussion could not get out of hand because the waitress came and at first was overwhelmed by the horde of guys.

"A latte," Minho ordered.

"For me too," Matthew said.

Then Jeongin intervened: "It's a bit late for caffeine, isn't it?"

"Oh, we don't mind." Minho winked at him. "We're just more  _ mature _ ." He emphasized the last word dripping with arrogance, which earned him a disapproving look from the youngest.

"Oh, then Chan Hyung has to order coffee to be part of the cool club ," he argued cynically.

"I don't drink coffee," Chan said, "I'd rather have cocoa."

The waitress nodded in confirmation and gathered the rest of the orders before hurrying on.

"No coffee?" Hyunjin asked, "Oh please, how do you survive the sleepless nights?"

“Masochism,” Chan quipped and giggled, “No, honestly. The taste is too bitter for me."

_ “Sweet tooth _ ," Seungmin said. His soft and fluent English pronunciation was always fascinating.

"Yeah, that too," Chan confirmed.

They talked until Matthew answered. "It's about 5 pm. Changbin should be prepared for his serenade!"

At that moment, two waitresses came with their orders and distributed them on the table.

"I definitely won't sing," Changbin grumbled, "I can't sing!"

"Don't lie!" Jisung protested, "You can sing very well."

"Even if that was true, I can't sing here in public." Changbin sighed heavily. One could tell that he was uncomfortable.

"Strictly speaking, you don't necessarily have to sing," Hyunjin argued, "Just rap."

Changbin hesitated, but seemed to be more comfortable with the idea. "Um, okay ..."

Jisung put a hand on his shoulder. “Let's rap something together! We only recently finished writing  _ Carpe Diem _ ."

"Oh yes, I heard the recording!", Felix reported, "The song’s cool."

Changbin seemed insecure at first before nodding. “Yes, okay. It's just weird to do it without a beat."

"Felix can beatbox!" Jisung said, "You know the song."

Felix now seemed to sink into his seat. "Yeah … but I can't beatbox that fast."

“Don't worry. It's better anyway if we slow it down a little."

Felix rubbed his lips together to warm them up a little and then formed a hollow in front of his hands, clicked with his tongue and started with a simple bass drum, which he supplemented with Hi Hats and a K-snare.

Changbin then started rapping, trying not to pay attention to the people who were staring at him. At first he seemed hesitant, but soon the words came out of his mouth like waterfalls.

As soon as he finished his first part, it was Jisung's turn. He did not seem to care that they were being stared at. His embarrassment threshold was simply set too high.

Together they finished the short song.

A few applauded, others seemed less enthusiastic. That was also because the song was designed in a bitter direction and rap did not appeal to everyone. But that was okay. At least a few guests liked it and the waiters did not seem to complain.

"That was cool!" Jisung said happily.

"Yes, but I still don't want to do the other ‘musical pieces’ in public." Changbin grabbed his glass and let out a long breath.

"Oh, but then it wouldn’t be that exciting. Usually you’re not that nervous."

"In places like this you don't know whether people like it."

The day was gradually winding down towards evening, which could be seen from the fact that the sky was sprinkled with orange clouds.

"That was a nice day," Minho said, "What's next tomorrow?"

"Thermal baths,” Changbin replied immediately, "That’s a must!"

Matthew looked pitifully at Chan. He knew that Chan could not come with them.

Chan just smiled and shook his head slightly. What was so horrible about being alone for a few hours?


	35. "This is the normal world."

_Get the person to tell something that is a lie._ _He himself must be convinced of its truth._ Attached was the note with the name _Jisung_.

Chan grimaced at the task because he did not like lying. He did that often enough already. And now he was given the task of doing just that, to spread some kind of rumor. Fate just loved to tease him.

"So lost in thoughts?" Changbin nudged him.

"Yeah, I just read my new task." Chan put the paper in the back pocket of his jeans and poked his nose at the sea. From there, fresh, pleasant air brushed his face and awakened his inner spirit a little. It was only eight o’clock in the morning, but there was hardly a better time to stroll along the harbour.

The others were in the room, either because they were still asleep or simply did not feel like coming with them. So Minho, Changbin, Matthew, and Chan walked in their own small group.

Laughing, they had discovered that the older members of the group were just on their own and therefore they called themselves the “Oldies Club”. But now it was quiet and each of them enjoyed the view. Only a few comments were made here and there. And it was a good thing. Chan did not like being overflowed with talking right in the morning, which was unavoidable with the younger ones. Not that he was mad at them for this, but it was just more pleasant only with the older part of their group at this time of day. Even though it had been Jisung's suggestion to come here, he had stayed with Felix. Sometimes it was really hard to separate the two of them.

"Well, we have breakfast and then we can go to the thermal baths. In between we can have lunch and then we'll be back around early afternoon,” Minho said, “Was anything else planned?." 

"Parkour running," Changbin, who was part of today's planning group, answered.

"Nice."

Chan felt a little sick just thinking about the thermal baths. He had not said a word yet about not going with them. He really wanted to go swimming. He missed it. After all, he had not been seen in a lido or a public swimhall in ages. The bathtub also was not an option so he could keep his promise to Hannah.

Minho took a deep breath and smiled. “Wow, it's so peaceful here at this time. With all the hustle and bustle in town, that's a really nice contrast."

The others agreed and stopped to watch the sun. It rose almost reverently over the horizon and threw its bright appearance onto the water. It was a little blinding, but Chan could not look away from it. Something about it made him emotional. Maybe because he could count on the sunset no matter what went wrong in his life.

"Chan?" Changbin tore him from his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"We should go back so we can have breakfast."

They went back on the bus. The others were already waiting for them in the small foyer.

This time the dining room was more crowded because they were later than the day before, but they still found a double table to squeeze into. As soon as everyone had taken some food, Seungmin rose and tapped his fork on his glass.

At first Chan was confused, until he remembered that Seungmin was supposed to give a speech before every meal as a punishment.

"On this oh-so-festive day, I _warmly_ welcome you to this breakfast, with sloppy rolls, burnt fried eggs and cereal with raisins. The fact that I can't eat the cereal, because raisins are nothing more than rotten grapes, which disgusts me, annoys me very much. So I hope none of you will like this breakfast." He raised the glass. "But cheers to the birthday boy anyway."

The way Seungmin talked disparagingly about raisins made Chan laugh so much that he almost spat out his milk. Somehow he was glad Seungmin had received this penalty. So the speeches would at least not get boring.

The breakfast was okay. Chan ate a lot anyway, which Matthew noted with amusement.

Meanwhile, Felix created a small work of art by stacking pancakes on top of each other and decorating them with plenty of fruit and chocolate sauce.

"You should be a cook!" Jisung claimed.

"Yes, of course. I'm still competing with Gordon Ramsay,” Felix replied with a giggle and pushed the plate to Minho, “For you.”

Minho smiled. “Thank you. Is that my birthday present?"

Felix looked at him indignantly. “This is just a foretaste! You won't get your real present until tomorrow."

After they finished breakfast, they went to their room to pack their things.

Chan had taken his swimwear with him, but more as a disguise because he knew it would be rather suspicious if he did not have anything with him in the first place. He slowly grabbed his backpack and kept glancing over at Minho and Jisung, who were chatting lively about a video which the younger boy had watched yesterday.

He let out a long breath until he sank down on the mattress and put his hand on his stomach. As he did so, he stared out of the window with a bleak look. Thanks to his mood, it was not even difficult to manage a pained expression.

"Hey, Chan, are you okay?" Minho asked when he noticed that the other one did not seem to be doing well.

"Got a stomach ache," Chan muttered. He actually felt sick, but only because he lied. Again.

"Oh, was it because of breakfast?" Minho knelt in front of him and touched his forehead. "But you don't have a fever."

“I think I spoiled my stomach. Or maybe I’ve eaten too much?" Chan smiled weakly.

"Nah, your stomach’s a monster," Minho replied with a smile, but then frowned in concern, "Do you want medications?"

Chan shook his head. God no, no medications. He could not see them anymore.

The door swung open and Seungmin and Felix burst in immediately.

"Are you ready?" the latter asked before he noticed that Chan was writhing on the bed. “What is it?"

"Chan's doesn’t feel good," Jisung said.

Seungmin immediately inhaled sharply. "I didn't want to achieve that with my speech."

Chan giggled at that, even if he made a sound of pain shortly afterwards. “No, it's okay. I probably just have to rest for a few hours."

"But then you will miss the thermal baths!" Felix wailed.

Chan shrugged his shoulders slightly. "There’s no other option, I guess." He looked at Minho apologetically. "Sorry, man."

“You don’t need to apologize." Minho got up. “I'll go downstairs and get some tea. Then you can rest."

Before Chan could protest, he left the room. The rest of the group quickly got aware of Chan's condition too. Everyone was worried, but he assured them that he just wanted to rest and would certainly be better in the afternoon. With every word, everything turned in his stomach. At least he was not lying about the cramps.

Minho brought him chamomile tea and then finished packing so the group could make their way to the thermal baths. They said goodbye to Chan and wished him fast recovery. The last one in the room was Matthew, who looked at him pityingly. He eventually tossed a half-fun kiss with his hand into Chan’s direction and then stuck his tongue out before gently closing the door.

Being alone was not bad. Chan was quite used to it now. The really bad thing was that he did not have the opportunity to hide somewhere to feel safe. The room felt strangely bare without blankets and pillows everywhere.

For a moment, Chan considered building a nest and tidying it up before the others returned. However, the whole thing was too risky for him. Besides, he did not even know what to use. And it could not be as cozy as its nest at home anyway.

He sighed heavily and spread out on the bed before closing his eyes. He would also like to sleep a round so that the time would pass faster, but surprise: he was wide awake. Even if he felt constantly overtired, his body kept him from sinking into the land of dreams. As if he wanted to say: "Uhm, hello, it's almost noon! You cannot sleep!"

For a while, Chan could pass the time with music and reading. But this loneliness almost sucked him up. It was almost unbearable.

He rolled restlessly on the bed. Finally he got up and went to the window, hoping to find something which might attract his attention. But the yard was empty and, above all, boring.

It was normal for Chan to feel lonely lately. Somewhere he had accepted it. One problem, however, was that it aroused his whining omega instincts. They kept causing him to bury himself in some nest.

Chan entered the tiny corridor because he no longer wanted to stay in this small and yet seemingly endless room without warmth. He looked around and wondered if he should just take a shower. But he had already done that yesterday after climbing. Shit, he should have taken his laptop with him to produce further on some tracks. 

The doors of the other rooms were open. Almost automatically, Chan's feet moved towards Matthew's room, which he shared with Jeongin and Hyunjin. He actually had no hesitation in entering. After all, everything was messy anyway. For example, Jeongin had slept with Seungmin in a bed last night and Hyunjin had come to Minho at some point, only to return to his own room around six o'clock in the morning. If the doors were open, it was indirect permission to enter.

Chan took a deep breath as he smelled the tingling ginger scent. It was easy to find out where Matthew slept. Chan immediately threw himself into his bed and rolled over in it, whereupon he buried his nose in the pillow. It still smelled intensely of Matthew, which in turn drove Chan into sweet madness.

He knew it was pretty primitive to sniff around here, but it gave him a little warmth. He did not feel so lost anymore. He would love to hug Matthew now.

He sighed comfortably and sat up to open the closet. Matthew had left all his clothes in his sports bag, which was spraying his pheromones. Chan carefully pulled the zipper and looked in his clothes until he pulled out a t-shirt which the other one had apparently already worn (at least it smelled like it).

Chan hugged the garment like his life depended on it. Only now he realized how bad it was without a nest. He would like to loot the entire bag, empty it on his own bed, and build an even bigger, better nest out of it. He blinked several times and now held the shirt away from him as if he were no longer so sure what he was holding in his hands.

"What the ..." He shook his head. What was the matter with him? He was acting completely insane. Best to get out of here, because his pheromones must have been flying uncontrollably around the room while he rummaged through Matthew's things. And Matthew could very well smell later that Chan had been here.

The very thought made him blush. Oh, did it make a big difference whether Chan borrowed Matthew's clothes?

He returned to his own room and slammed the door shut. Then he changed his clothes because the tension was heating him up. So he put on shorts and Matthew's T-shirt, in which he then buried his nose. Suddenly it was not so boring just lying on the bed. Chan curled up and ran his fingers over the fabric, thinking about how much he loved to hold Matthew.

Shit, okay, maybe he needed the pills after all. He could not inhale too much of these pheromones. He raised his head and picked up his backpack, in which he always kept all the packages. In the end he let it go because actually he did not want to take medication. He did not want to be in control at all.

He rolled onto his stomach and bent his legs as he felt his abdomen contract uncomfortably. Panting, he clung to the sheet of the bed and took a deep breath, the sensation still seething inside him. It gradually became more uncomfortable, so he tried to find a more comfortable position to relieve the pain. His face was very warm, so he kept touching his own skin in shock to feel how heated he was. Suddenly there was a knock on the door of the room.

The person did not come in, so Chan got up shakily and shuffled to the door before opening it.

In front of him stood Matthew, who looked at him confused as if he had not expected Chan. Which would be absolutely stupid. After all, _he_ had knocked. "Chan, are you okay?" He touched his forehead. "Do you have a fever?" He examined him carefully. "Is that my t-shirt?" he asked, confused.

Meanwhile, Chan stared at him as if his counterpart were an apparition from heaven. Reluctantly, he raised his hands and placed them on Matthew's cheeks as if to check whether the other was genuinely real. He let out a shaky breath before wrapping his arms around his neck and leaning against him. Almost desperately he sucked in Matthew's scent and longed for the warmth he was finally getting.

Matthew stood in the doorway rather overwhelmed. "Hey, Chan, love," he whispered, "What’s wrong?"

"I missed you," Chan finally answered honestly. Even if his thoughts were quite foggy at the moment, at least he managed to make that statement. His hands wandered between Matthew's shoulder blades. Chan ran his tongue down his warm throat. “You taste like chlorine,” he breathed and almost giggled at this statement.

"Yes, I … went swimming after all, but I thought I'd come back early so we could watch a film together or something like that," said Matthew, perplexed.

Chan made a pleased sound because the gesture was so cute. He stood on his tiptoes to lean on top of him. "You’re so sweet," he muttered and kissed along Matthew's jaw.

"Chan, stop." Matthew pushed his shoulders back. “What's wrong with you?"

"What should be wrong with me?" Now Chan seemed to be the one who was confused.

Matthew hesitated. “I don’t know. You're acting strange." He lovingly stroked a lock of hair behind Chan's ear.

"Hmm ... I probably miss my own room," Chan replied reluctantly.

Matthew seemed to think twice before he understood what he was implying. "You miss your nest."

Chan sighed in annoyance. No answer was an answer too. So he went back to pepper Matthew's face with kisses. As he did so, he clutched onto the other's shoulders and pulled him close. “I feel warm. Take off my clothes."

“What? Chris, you’re unbelievable." Matthew grabbed Chan's waist and picked up the younger boy before walking towards his bed.

Chan clung helplessly to him and lay down on the mattress. “What is it?"

“Nothing. You're just in a difficult phase."

That made Chan pout. "Oh, I'm sorry."

Matthew giggled. "No, I didn't mean it that way." He ran over Chan's warm face. “It's just a protective mechanism of yours. That'll pass ... I hope so."

Chan slowly sat up and took off Matthew's shirt, which he threw on the floor. "Take off your clothes too."

“What?"

"Take off your clothes." Chan wanted to be as close to Matthew as possible. And maybe it was very strange that he thought about cuddling with the other naked for a second. Then it occurred to him that he could not get rid of his shorts anyways.

Matthew shook his head. "No, I won't do that." He pulled Chan up and laid down. "But you can take off your clothes as much as you want." He spread his arms in a silent invitation.

Chan thought for a moment before nodding and crawling between Matthew's legs before lying on top of him and resting his head on his chest.

"And now, relax."

But Chan could not relax. Matthew was so close to him. How could he stay relaxed?

He raised his head and pressed his plushy lips onto Matthew’s mouth. He supported himself with his forearms and closed his eyes.

Matthew hesitated. Eventually he could not resist, and kissed him back.

It started slowly - like a waltz. Their lips interlocked with each other and longed for contact, broke away for milliseconds, only to reconnect. Little by little Matthew grabbed Chan's soft hair before his hand wandered down the nape of the neck until he reached his back.

Chan moved up a bit so he did not have to strain his neck and grabbed Matthew's shoulder while he bent his right leg for some support.

Matthew had a serious look on his face as he breathed against Chan’s lips. “Have you ever …” He gulped and it looked like he wanted to ask a life changing question.

Chan became completely silent. 

“... considered to join the big tiddie committee?”

Wait, what? 

Chan blinked several times before laughing out loud. “What?” He could not stop laughing.

“I’m serious! I mean, you workout and you’re fit!” Matthew could not suppress a grin. Sometimes it was unbelievable how random and blunt he could be. It was a little surprise to his usual calm behaviour. At a certain point Chan was convinced that Matthew hid his true nature. Somehow. 

“I don’t have big pecs right now, but maybe I can work on that,” Chan giggled, “And then I can join the … the big … the big chest committee.”

It was funny how he could not even say the t-word, but Mattew decided to not mock him with that.

His fingers ran down the smooth back until they had reached Chan's thighs. He tugged on the shorts and pushed them up to touch the soft skin beneath the fabric. He pulled away and looked at Chan with warm eyes. It reminded him a little of liquid chocolate. Coincidence?

"You're always so ... fucking smooth," Matthew uttered.

Chan blinked before laughing. "Um, yes," he replied, "Because I, you know, shave regularly."

“Really? Like … everything?"

A nod was the answer. “It just feels like having practically no resistance while swimming. And somehow it has now become a habit."

Matthew made an "I see" face and circled his index finger on Chan's thigh. Somehow he found the feeling strangely fascinating. Because there was so much about Chan which was so strong and delicate at the same time.

"Why is that so interesting?" Chan teased him now.

“Hmh, don't know. It's just so nice to touch you." Matthew breathed a little kiss on Chan's mouth and smiled at the reaction. "Sometimes you’re really cute."

Chan did not really understand what Matthew thought was cute about him, but as long as he enjoyed calling him that, he did not care. He leaned forward and gave soft kisses all over Matthew's cheeks before continuing further down and fondling the neck. However, as soon as he began to bite and suck gently, Matthew stopped him.

"Chan, don't."

Chan did not listen and pressed his lips onto the skin again.

"Stop it." Now Matthew pushed his shoulders back. “I'm serious. Don’t do that."

Chan frowned. “Why?"

"Because Alphas are not marked."

Chan blinked in confusion. “What?"

Matthew sighed like it was a struggle to explain. “It's okay if I mark you. But the other way around is … kind of difficult."

It took Chan a moment to understand what he was saying. Omegas were disadvantaged because they were not allowed to show who belonged to them. And Alphas had the privilege of marking Omegas in their possessive behaviour pattern. Was Matthew in favour of that principle?

"Matthew, you can't be serious."

Matthew raised an eyebrow. “Why shouldn't I be serious? "

That would be complicated.

“If you don't want it because you don't like it, it's okay. But not wanting it because you're an Alpha is nonsense,” Chan began to argue.

“The fact that I'm an Alpha is a part of me. As being an Omega is a part of you."

"So you want me to worship you like a dumb puppy?"

Matthew immediately saw the direction of this gradually heated conversation. He put his hand on Chan's cheek. “No, of course not. Chan, I didn’t mean it like that at all." He sank deeper into the pillow. “It's against the principles I’ve grown up with. Just as it is against your principles to submit to someone. It's a personal thing, okay?"

Chan swallowed hard. "What if I tell you, for example, that I think the tradition with the collar is stupid?"

Sharply Matthew sucked in the air. "I understand that you don't like it, but calling it stupid is a little harsh."

Oh, but Chan thought it was stupid. However, he also realized that he might just be being unfair. After all, Matthew always met him with so much understanding, no matter what views Chan had. And now that the other person spoke about his wantings, he reacted allergically to it.

“Chan, I want you the way you are. But for this to work out between us, you have to accept me in certain traits. I was told that Omegas only stand in the kitchen and clean the house." Matthew ran a hand over his forehead. “Still, I don't see you like that. You grew up differently and developed differently. And that's okay with me. Then why am I not okay?" He smiled a little bitterly now.

Now Chan was really sorry. He hesitantly grabbed Matthew's hand and nuzzled it against his cheek. “I am sorry. That was stupid of me."

Matthew let out a long breath. “Don’t mention it. I understand."

But why did Matthew always have to understand everything? God, what was he so fucking friendly for?

Chan smiled at the thought and laid down on Matthew. His face was pretty red by now from his Omega-malfunction-whatever-that-was and the argument. "It's just complicated," he muttered, "Our situation would be complicated in a normal world, too."

"This is the normal world."

Chan sighed softly. “No, Matthew. Having an innate status isn’t normal." He sealed the other's lips before they could reply.

Well, then Matthew had his quirks. Chan had some too. He also found it childish to argue about something like that. They would find a solution.

After a while he was lying under Matthew, who repeatedly ran his hand over Chan's pale upper body and wanted to feel every single muscle. His lips were so warm on those of Chan that the person lying down could only sigh comfortably and stroke through the brown hair.

At some point, Matthew brushed Chan's nipple, causing a louder sigh. Thereupon the older one smiled and pulled away from the now slightly swollen mouth. Red from the kissing, Chan's lips looked all the more tempting, but Matthew took the time to kiss his upper body until he ran across his chest and touched his nipple again.

Chan automatically pinched his legs together and arched his back. His heart was beating wildly, but he let the other continue, a little curious to see how far he would go. But what spurred his adrenaline even more was the fact that he could feel his abdomen contract. He felt dizzy because he had almost forgotten that feeling.

Matthew pushed himself up to kiss him again. He leaned further and further down and thereby increased the contact, so that Chan put his arms around him and pulled them close before he unconsciously moved his hips against his.

A groan escaped Matthew. He pulled away from Chan and finally looked at him. “Are you …"

Chan just nodded and put his fingers to Matthew's mouth while he smiled sheepishly. He himself did not know exactly what to do with his impending arousal. Apparently his lust was stronger than the pills he was taking (although he was more lazy about swallowing them since they had been here).

Matthew kissed his fingertips gently and ran a hand over Chan's arm. Carefully he directed it downwards until he reached the waistband. The look in his eyes said something like "May I?" and Chan was absolutely not sure what to say.

His body screamed "yes" in desperation, but if Matthew were to take off his pants, he would certainly not like the sight.

Chan turned his head away and breathed faster.

"Hey, shh," whispered Matthew and put his hand under the waistband, "I’ll be careful."

The words lulled Chan, so he could only nod. He felt the gentle touch on his legs before Matthew tugged at the boxer shorts and pulled them down.

"I thought it was too early for us?" Chan teased quietly and smiled.

Matthew shook his head in amusement and kissed his cheek lightly. "That's why we're slowing down."

Chan caught himself pressing his hips against Matthew and now putting his knee between the legs of the person opposite. He closed his eyes, trusting that Matthew would not just strip him completely.

Matthew had barely felt the first few inches of bare skin when the door swung open.


	36. "Please don't force yourself."

Chan did not even know what had happened at first. However, he realized shortly afterwards that he was on the bed  _ shirtless  _ and one could see his tattoo. Still, he held his pose petrified and did not even know what to do. He could not even see who had burst into the room without being asked.

Only after a few more frightening milliseconds later did he realize that Matthew's hand was still in his pants, making it pretty obvious what almost had happened here somehow (although Chan himself had absolutely no idea how far they would have gone).

Matthew was the first to react and wrapped his arms around Chan to pull him towards him. At first it caused confusion, until Chan realized he was trying to hide the Omega tattoo.

As soon as he sat upright, he looked at Changbin's shocked face. Was it a shocked face? Or rather overwhelmed? Both? It was really difficult to decipher what was going on in his head.

Finally Changbin moved and he shook his head slightly. “I ... yes, so I’ll … wait outside. Or whatever." Mechanically like a robot, he turned and closed the door.

Chan buried his face in Matthew's shoulder. This embarrassing situation had driven any excitement from his body. Instead, he just felt this incredible shame.

"We should have locked to avoid getting caught," Matthew muttered, smiling weakly.

“Hm." Chan sat back and chewed his lip.

Getting caught.

He was getting really sick of it. Why did fate always have to reveal his secrets before he did it himself? At the same time, he thought of how it felt for Changbin to be kept out of everything.

Chan sighed heavily. What a great friend he was.

"Man, that sucks," Chan grumbled and stood up before grabbing Matthew's shirt again and putting it on. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He turned around before looking directly at the other.

"I'll tell him," he decided.

Matthew blinked in irritation. “What do you mean exactly?"

“About us. That I am an Omega. Everything. I can't go on like this,” Chan babbled like a waterfall. He felt foggy. His entire body was electrified. The event just now had shaken everything up inside him. He was an emotional wreck, but maybe that was not so bad, if he felt brave enough to tell Changbin.

"Chris, are you sure?"

The boy shook his head. “But that doesn't matter now. I don't feel like lying to my best friend anymore." He straightened his shoulders and took another deep breath.

Getting caught in the act had done the rest. There was really no longer any way to go around this matter all the time. And if Chan did not feel comfortable marching publicly with his Omega existence, at least he should trust his best friend.

His best friend, who had always supported him in everything: school, swimming, of course music,  _ everything _ . Simply everything. They shared so much, so why not that too? Chan owed it to the years of their friendship. If he hesitated any longer, their relationship would be broken. He could not and did not want to risk that.

"Please wait here,” Chan asked Matthew, "It's okay if I tell him we're together, isn't it?" Towards the end he became quiet.

Matthew looked at him mildly. “Everything you want."

Chan nodded and stalked to the door, now extremely tense as everything bounced off him. He was only focused on Changbin.

He opened the door and saw him leaning against the wall.

Changbin stared at the ceiling and seemed to be philosophizing about life, but was torn from this thought bubble when he saw Chan. Immediately he blushed and looked away. "Sorry, I should've knocked," he muttered.

Chan had to suppress a laugh. "Yes, you should have." Eventually his face turned serious. "Changbin, I have to tell you something."

"You and Matt are together," he shot back. It was not a question but a statement. He stared at Chan intensly.

Chan scratched his head. “Yeah. You could say so."

Changbin leaned back and massaged his temples. “How long already?"

"Only since last week."

Pause.

“How …"

“No idea. It just happened. I didn't expect it myself,” Chan explained, embarrassed.

A little giggle escaped Changbin. "Wow, I always joked about it and now ..." He rubbed his hair. “Sorry. That's just very weird right now."

Chan smiled. "Yes, it is weird." After all, he and Matthew had always been a thing. Since kindergarten. Only now it was a little ... different. Embarrassed, he fiddled with the hem of his (or Matthew’s) shirt. "But I have to tell you something else."

Changbin looked at him in surprise. “What?"

No turning back.

No apologies.

No lies.

Chan  _ had  _ to say it. There could not be a better time. He would only regret it later. He no longer wanted people to find out everything by accident. He wanted to determine for himself when something came to light.

“Changbin. The reason why I no longer swim and why I am no longer a head boy is ...“ And the words got stuck in his throat.

Changbin's eyes widened as he understood what this was about. He pulled away from the wall and took a step towards Chan.

"This is all very ... weird and difficult to explain, but the main reason is that ..." Another pause.

_ Come on, Chan. _

"Chan," Changbin interrupted, "Please don't force yourself."

Chan looked at him in surprise.

Changbin was now right in front of him. "I always thought that you didn't trust me because you had secrets." He put his hand on his shoulder. “But then I realized that it was because you were having a hard time. You are the one who has to deal with it. Not me. It was selfish of me to claim the truth without caring about how you are doing." He made a face. "That's why I don't want you to tell me if you do it as a favour."

Chan opened his mouth like a fish, but then closed it again because he could not speak. He had not expected that.  _ He  _ had pushed Changbin away. Why did the other blame himself now?

"Changbin, I want to tell you!"

“No, you don’t have to."

“But I-"

“Chan. It's okay."

"But I’m an Omega!"

"It really is-" Changbin choked on the next few words and backed off.

Oh fuck, Chan certainly had not planned on making the confession in such a clumsy exchange.

The two just stared at each other as time passed like chewing gum, which was melting in the sun.

Changbin finally started to speak. “What did you say?"

Now that it was out anyway, Chan did not really have to hold back any longer. And yet he found it difficult to repeat the words. "I'm an Omega," he whispered and scratched his arm, "The tattoo’s on my upper body, so I've been able to hide it so far."

Changbin lacked any words and only choppy "Ah" and "Oh" sounds came from him. Out of context, the scene would probably look very funny. “Oh shit,” he finally uttered, “But Matt’s an Alpha. So you and he are ... "

"Well, we're just a couple?" Chan tried to loosen up the situation. So far, he has not really been able to gauge Changbin's reaction.

Changbin puffed up his cheeks and searched for the right words. Then he smiled. "I mean, I said right away that you should start to date him."

Chan then rolled his eyes and smiled. “Of course you did." His cheeks were warm.

And that was it?

No further reactions?

Chan felt almost a little betrayed. After all, he had struggled through such strong problems expressing himself about it and now Changbin looked ... okay, yes, Changbin looked overwhelmed and shocked, but maybe it was more because Chan was with Matthew.

“But you being an Omega is… wow. So, I mean ... how? Your mother's a Beta and your father's an Alpha."

Chan sighed heavily. “Rare interplay of genes. It’s more or less an unfortunate accident."

Changbin tapped his chin thoughtfully. "And that's why you're no longer a head boy?"

For a moment, Chan thought about confessing the Junyheok-conflict, but that would be too much all at once. So he replied laconically: "The position’s just not an Omega thing."

"But you're a better head boy than Junhyeok."

“No anymore." Chan scratched his head and looked away. "I ... Man, it's embarrassing, but my body’s going through too many processes for me to deal with it."

Changbin pressed his lips together and spread his arms.

Chan looked at him irritated.

"You look like you need a hug."

Chan exhaled in relief and fell into his best friend's strong arms. Thanks to Changbin's size, he was so wonderful to lean on. And that was exactly what Chan did, feeling all the weight fall off his shoulders. "I'm so sorry I didn't say it sooner," he mumbled, "But I ... I don't know."

"You were ashamed?"

"That describes it pretty well."

Changbin pulled away from him and ruffled his hair. "It’s extremely unexpected that you’re ... an Omega, but ..." He took a deep breath and shook his head slightly. “Okay, sorry. I find it difficult to hammer this thought into myself. Because ... wow. You and an Omega. You really are full of surprises in every way."

That actually made Chan giggle. How good that simply felt.

“I mean, you are still you. At least now I know why you react strangely at times. That helps me too." Changbin smiled again. "Thank you for telling me."

Chan wanted to cry, but he held back. "I love you,” it almost burst out of him.

A bright smile spread across Changbin's face. "I love you too, Chan."

The two hugged again.

Chan finally looked at him hesitantly. “But could you do me a favour?” he asked, “Please don't tell the others yet. Not while Minho's celebrating his birthday."

Changbin seemed to think about it for a moment. "Well, it would be impractical to start a huge mess here now."

Chan nodded at that. “I'll tell them at some point, but a lot’s going wrong at home right now. I want to sort this out first before I kind of make it semi-public."

Everything in him resisted. A tiny part of him still had not fully accepted he was an Omega. Even when he tried to fight it, all these internal safeguards kicked in to screw everything up for him.

“I can't quite understand that, but that's probably because I'm not verified yet,” Changbin replied, “But hey, it's your business. I’m still happy to help you."

“Thank you."

The door behind them opened and Matthew stepped into the hallway. “Sorry to bother you, but Minho’s just texted me. He asked where we were."

“Ah!”, Changbin remembered, “I was actually sent to get you. We wanted to go out to eat."

Chan smiled and took Matthew's hand before leaning against him. "Then that's exactly what we should do."

* * *

"So after Hyunjin has made sure that I almost slipped on the brink and got a concussion, I think that he should buy me something to drink," Seungmin started his speech, "But apart from that, I'm glad that Chan's fit enough to keep us company at lunch. Dig in."

With that the troop began to eat. They sat in a cozy snack bar and ate small sandwiches and fruits. Since they wanted to run parkour later, they had decided not to have a heavier meal until the evening. For now they wanted something easy to digest.

Chan took the chance at the general banter and leaned over to Jisung. "Hey," he whispered, "We wanted to do another song and it's Changbin's turn to write the lyrics."

Jisung stopped eating to pay more attention to him. “Yes. So?"

Now Chan hesitated and smiled sheepishly. "I found his lyrics book open earlier when I wanted to borrow something from him." He lowered his voice. "And he wrote a love song."

Jisung opened his mouth in surprise. “Seriously?"

"Yeah ... And I think the song was about ..." Chan shrugged his shoulders. "Felix."

Jisung was about to knock his glass over, but Chan made sure he kept his legs still.

“Shh! Stay calm. It's just a guess. But the person definitely has freckles and a deep voice, sooo…” Chan almost giggled when he saw Jisung swallow the bait. Even if he was feeling a little bad, he could not deny that it was funny to prank him.

"Don't tell anyone!" he admonished him and then turned to Changbin, who was sitting across from him.

Changbin pushed the plate of sandwiches over to him and smiled. It was a little crazy to think that he now knew about Matthew and Chan. At the same time, it was so liberating that Chan wanted to enjoy it.

For a moment it seemed to him that everything could be fine after all.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin had fetched a drink for Seungmin from the counter. "Non-alcoholic cocktail," he announced and carefully put the glass down in front of Seungmin, "Sorry for earlier."

Seungmin blinked in surprise before laughing. “You're so stupid. It was just a joke."

Hyunjin opened his mouth perplexed, but could not utter a sound.

So Seungmin pulled him next to him on the bench and took a second straw from the box which was on the table. "Let's just share."

Hyunjin smiled widely and wrapped his arms around Seungmin's waist.

"Not that you will be tipsy from carbon dioxide later," Jeongin teased them.

"Nonsense, we are tough!" Hyunjin answered, "Besides, alcohol certainly tastes disgusting."

"It depends," Chan claimed and took a bite of his sandwich.

Hyunjin looked at him almost shocked. "Have you ever had a drink?"

Chan giggled. “Just sipped wine. My parents are pretty passionate about collecting it, and my father once offered me a drink." The mention of his father made him a bit sad. Usually he got along so well with him because they were somehow connected through their personality and interests. Had that changed in all seriousness because of his Omega status?

After they had finished eating, they took a short digestive walk and then returned to the hotel to change clothes before going to the park. It was easy to reach it by walking.

On the way there they warmed up and crossed various obstacles as a team, which was received differently by the passers-by: Some were fascinated, others annoyed, and again further people did not seem to care in the least. But they were already used to those looks.

They played a few rounds of jam sessions in the park and then chased each other across the children's playground. Since it was huge, there were endless possibilities of crawling between the beams, swinging along the rings, or jumping over large stones.

"Oh god, I need a pause!" Minho pleaded because he was out of breath.

But the others could not continue either. The park here was bigger than at their hometown, so they wanted to run around and test as many jumps as possible, but stamina was limited.

Chan watched Jisung whisper something to Felix out of the corner of his eye. Inwardly, he was already triumphing, but he wanted to make sure his plan had worked.

Felix's eyes widened and he looked at Changbin, who was talking to Jeongin about the ramp to evaluate how suitable it would be for an arm jump.

Felix seemed to hesitate before walking up to Changbin and tapping him on the shoulder.

The other turned around, only to be kissed directly on the mouth by the younger one in the next second.

From then on, the time passed in slow motion. Chan's jaw dropped, Jeongin took a step back in shock, Minho almost spat the sip he had just taken from his bottle on Matthew, Hyunjin gave a dramatic squeak, Seungmin frowned in confusion and Jisung seemed to faint every second.

Felix pulled away, his hands still resting on the other's shoulders, and looked at a bright red Changbin.

"W-Was that your task or ...," the older one stammered, whereupon the other person shook his head.

"I heard that you wrote a love song about me."

Changbin was still quite red, but now he looked confused. "Sorry, but I don't know anything about that."

Immediately Felix whirled around to Chan and pointed a finger at him. “Hah! I knew it! You lied to Jisung! "

"Okay, what the hell, I don't understand anything anymore!" Jeongin complained.

Chan was dizzy himself from what had happened. Finally he smiled sheepishly. “Busted. It was my job to make Jisung believe something untrue so that he would tell it to another person."

Jisung gasped in indignation. "You have abused my trust!"

"Well, there are no rules in war," Seungmin only annoyed him, "Serves you right."

“Oh, come on. You were the first to lose!", Jisung fired back and grumbled, "Well, I'll give you my task later."

"Great, then we have another penalty!" Minho said happily, "It'll be fun."

Changbin seems almost traumatized, whereupon Felix looked at him apologetically. “I'm sorry. I just wanted to get to the bottom of the matter."

"It's okay," Changbin cheeped, "But ... please, just talk to me next time."

Felix grinned. "Deal. I just thought you needed some fun. It wasn't meant seriously." He laughed softly, perhaps slightly embarrassed.

Changbin got a little nervous. "Yes, totally not serious." He scratched his head. "I mean, you're not my type at all either."

Felix stopped abruptly and crossed his arms before lifting his eyebrow. "Oh, I'm sorry that it was so horrible to be kissed by me."

Changbin choked on his words. “What? No, I didn't mean it that way. I-"

Felix's otherwise sunny appearance took on a dark aura, which is why Changbin probably thought it would be wiser to shut up from then on.

"Um, yes, do we want to move on then?" Minho interrupted the uncomfortable silence.

* * *

“I'm so stupid! 'You're not my type at all.' How insensitive can one be, gosh?!” Changbin wailed.

He and Chan were sitting on the roof of the hotel and watched the goings on in the street.

Chan giggled. “My bad. That’s probably my fault. I should have thought of a better lie."

“No, it was a good idea to solve your task. I just shouldn't have reacted so fucking stupid!" Changbin buried his face in his hands. "Have you already gotten your new task?"

Chan nodded.

_ Get someone to buy you something _ . The name  _ Hyunjin  _ was written on the other slice of paper.

“Felix isn’t seriously angry. Maybe a bit offended. He just got it the wrong way."

"Yes, but it's so unusual to see him angry."

"He's not always gentle and sweet." Chan smiled and rested his chin on Changbin's shoulder.

Changbin sighed. “Yes, but how should I apologize to him? 'Sorry, Felix. I didn't mean it that way. You actually are really cute.'? That sounds absolutely stupid, but something else sounds like ... ”

“... a consolation."

“Precisely. That just slipped out of mouth earlier."

Chan had to suppress a laugh. "Because actually, he's completely your type."

“Exactly!" Changbin paused when he realized what he had said. “What? No! So …"

Chan nudged him gently in the side. “Relax. I just want to annoy you." He pursed his lips in amusement. “Although I would prefer Felix to hang out with you than with some weird guy. Or a weird girl. At least you’re trustworthy."

Changbins cheeks now adorned a shade of red. "Dating good friends is kind of difficult ..."

Chan raised an eyebrow. "Oh, but you said that romances should crawl out of flowerpots."

“That goes for you and Matt. You've been married since kindergarten."

Chan rolled his eyes. “You're looking for lazy excuses. If you want to … do something with Felix, then do it."

“But I don’t want to! It's just a stupid misunderstanding. He's adorable and everything, but that's about it." Towards the end, Changbin became quieter.

Chan leaned forward provocatively towards him. "Really?" he teased him. He did not even know if he was serious. Changbin had a romantic nature, but he had never shown real interest in anyone. Except very mildly in Felix. But it was Felix. Everyone was enhanced by the pretty boy.

“Really. God, I don't do anything with your cousin. That would be the stupidest idea on earth."

Chan put his arms around him. “Whatever you say.”

They listened to some music together through Changbin's headphones before deciding to go back inside to avoid catching a cold. Then they went to sleep. After all, it was already late and they still had a lot to do tomorrow. Since it would be their last day and they should use it as best they could.

Chan still was not able to sleep. Too much had happened. He was laying on his side, watching the moon through the window. It had a calming effect, but he still did not get tired.

At first his Omega instincts had hit again.

Then Matthew had almost undressed him.

And finally, Changbin had discovered his secret.

He smiled. No. He had not discovered it. Chan had told it of his own free will. For the very first time. Even though Changbin had opened the door without being asked, it was Chan who had come out with the truth. After all, he could have continued to hide his existence as an Omega. But at that very moment he had felt ready for it.

Of course, he had not expected Changbin to leave him. He just kept fearing that once he confessed his status, people could treat him completely differently. Because Omegas were considered as fragile.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Fragile. Was Chan Fragile?

A few weeks ago he would have answered strictly with "no", but maybe being fragile was not always a bad quality. It did not take anything away from his strong personality.

Perhaps one was also allowed to show other sides.


	37. "Usually you have everything under control."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there c: 
> 
> After a week I am back *partey*. Thanks to all who commented and/or reported some mistakes for the rewriting process. It genuinely helped me a lot to pull through! However, if you spot some minor issues, feel free to report them, thank you very much~
> 
> I think that the story should be fine now. So we can finally go on. I try to upload once or twice a week to keep the rhythm steady, but please be patient with me. I have written new chapters already, but I am still hesitant about publishing them. Hopefully you will like the new concepts tho and I am already very excited to show you K.A.R.D later on in the story! 
> 
> By the way, I am kind of excited about the fact that we reached 700 Kudos and over 16k hits on that story UWU Ahhh, it is kind of crazy to see that so many people are interested in the story c: Thank you for that lovely support.
> 
> For now enjoy the chapter c: I hope that we can read each other soon again.

“Rise and Shine!"

There was knocking and rumbling which woke Chan up. His heart raced as everything spun before his eyes. What was happening here?

In the next second the door swung open and Jisung walked in.

"God, Jisung, fuck off!" Minho shouted and threw a pillow at him.

Chan had noticed that Jisung had gotten up earlier, but he certainly had not expected such an action. Confused, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Well, it's my punishment to get you together in a creative way when we have something on the agenda," the younger announced almost euphorically.

"Sounds more like a punishment to us," Minho groaned annoyed and held his head.

Chan got to his feet and took his clothes out of the closet before going into the hallway. The bathroom was vacant, so he hurried, but before he could lock the door, a foot stepped between it.

He let go and looked Changbin in the face.

"Morning," the younger one greeted with a smile.

Chan smiled back and let him in before locking the door.

The two brushed their teeth in silence. It was a good thing. Changbin was not only easy to talk to, but also to stay silent together.

He rinsed his mouth and turned to his pile of clothes. He took off his pants, but hesitated when he got to his shirt. He was not even sure if Changbin was looking at him, but in the end it did not matter. After all he knew his secret now. He took a deep breath and pulled it over his head.

“Chan?”

“Yes?"

Changbin seemed to be thinking. "Can I see your tattoo?"

Chan's heart sagged in his chest. He bit his lip and stared at the wall in front of him. Finally he shook his head slightly to snap out of his trance. What was the matter with him? There was no need to be embarrassed now.

“Sure."

He turned and scratched his head in embarrassment.

"Wow, cool," Changbin commented.

“Cool?"

"Yeah, it doesn't look as flashy as an Alpha tattoo," Changbin said, pulling on a fresh shirt, "It suits you very well."

Chan did not even know what to make of that statement. It sounded more like a simple opinion. He did not think Changbin was trying to comfort him in that way. He was too smart for that.

They left the bathroom and found a few people clustered around a door frame.

"What's going on here?" Chan asked, confused.

"We've just noticed that Matt’s taller!" Minho explained, "So we’re comparing him to Hyunjin." He stood on his tiptoes and drew a pencil line over Hyunjin's head.

"Hey, but erase that later!" Chan admonished.

“Yeah, yeah, got it."

Hyunjin stepped away from the door frame.

"How tall are you again?" Minho asked.

"About 5,7 feet?"

Minho tugged on Matthew's arm. "So, now it’s your turn."

Matthew sighed because he did not seem to understand the whole hype. Nevertheless, he came after Minho’s order with a smile. So he stood at the door frame, crossed his arms and looked at Minho expectantly.

He marked the frame and then shooed him away again.

"That’s crazy. Actually Hyunjin had always been the tallest," Felix said.

“Well, growth spurts exist. Especially with Alphas,” Minho replied, holding his fingers to the wood, “Yes, those are some inches. Matt, you may be about 5,9 feet. You giant!"

"He's sure to keep growing," Chan claimed, smiling at the others' reactions.

"Unfortunately, you don't fit with the rest according to your height," Seungmin teased.

“So what? He still belongs to us,” Minho assured and punched Matthew on the arm, “So what's on the program today? ” 

Chan frowned. "But you're in today's planning group."

“Yes, but we split up. Seungmin’s responsible for the morning and noon, Jeongin for the afternoon and I for the evening,” Minho explained and turned to Seungmin, “So, Mr. Slavedriver, what’s your plan?”

Seungmin looked at him a bit venomously. “Idiot. I was planning to go to a photography museum.”

Jisung whispered "boring" and had to dodge a flying shoe.

“It's not boring! It's about the history of photography." Seungmin folded his arms, almost offended. "Minho allowed me to choose a museum."

“I did,” the birthday child confirmed, “Come on, let's have breakfast first!”

As always, it was colourful at breakfast, especially with Seungmin's speech and the table conversations during which they talked all over the place. It was not actually customary to talk while eating, but there were no adults around to watch them so they did not care. The fact that people looked at them a little obliquely did not matter either.

Chan kept catching Changbin looking over at Felix. "Just go to him and apologize," he suggested, amused.

"But I don't know how," Changbin grumbled and took a sip of cocoa, "Maybe his anger will go away eventually."

Chan would not bet on that. Felix was nice, but if one screwed it up, he could be resentful. At least unless one apologized appropriately to him.

After they had breakfast, they made their way to the museum by bus. This time Chan sat next to Matthew.

“And? Did you sleep well?” Matthew asked, grabbing Chan's hand.

“Kinda. I can't quite clear my head,” Chan admitted while looking out the window. So far he had enjoyed the vacation, but the constant fear of being discovered made him restless. He wanted at all costs to prevent Minho's birthday from going downhill. Hopefully that was not exactly what he was doing with his defensive behaviour. And his medication?

He hardly cared about it at the moment. The days were so energetic and busy that Chan liked to pretend the pills did not exist. Because it made him feel a little bit more normal again. Not like someone who was constantly on medication. But because of that he gradually became unbalanced and exasperated again, as he not only completely renounced the pheromone suppression, but also the antidepressants.

Chan convulsed as he felt the cramp in his abdomen. Annoyed, he clicked his tongue. No. Not now. They only had one day left. He really did not feel like enduring this kind of pain. How likely was it that your period would follow such a regular monthly cycle right at the start?

“Everything okay?" Matthew sounded concerned.

Nice crap.

"Yes, just a bit of a stomach ache," Chan fibbed and turned to him. Even if he confided so much to Matthew, he could not say everything. Something was stopping him. But what? He knew that the person in front of him would respond with understanding.

He was torn from his thoughts when he heard a scream. Alarmed, he looked around and needed a moment to understand the scene.

Felix had slipped from his seat onto Jisung's lap and was staring at Jeongin, puzzled.

The youngest had smeared a grimace on his face with paint. He looked terrifying, with narrow eyes and a wide mouth.

"What the hell?!" Felix uttered.

“Yey! You were scared!” Jeongin cheered triumphantly.

It took another five more seconds for Chan to understand. Of course. Jeongin's task.

"Man, that sucks!" Felix complained and pouted.

"Life is cruel." Jeongin grinned. His face really did not look pretty.

Chan felt the goosebumps on the back of his neck.

"Where did you get those colours from?" Jisung asked, flustered.

“This is make-up for children. I bought it yesterday while we were shopping,” Jeongin explained, wiping his face clean with a damp cloth. He held out his hand. "If I may ask."

Grumbling, Felix handed his task to Jeongin. Afterwards he caught the box which Minho threw him. He pulled out a piece of paper.  _ “Start dancing as soon as someone sneezes.”  _ He sighed annoyed. “Seriously? This is such bullshit."

Chan giggled. "Maybe Jeongin will catch up." In the end, what counted was who had collected the most task papers. So far, Chan had done a good job, but if he did not want to be kicked from first place, he would have to eliminate Hyunjin as soon as possible.

“Or maybe I will. Don't forget that I've already outdone Changbin,” Matthew said with a wink.

“We'll see." Chan straightened up. "I think we’re at the museum."

* * *

The visit to the museum was not nearly as boring as some had feared. Especially since Seungmin had a lot to say, which was why they did not even need a guide. A very special tour, during which the respective leader said "Shut up, I want to say something" and "Don't touch that, idiot", was definitely more refreshing than the standard program.

This time they skipped a big lunch, as Minho advised. So they bought snacks from stalls and strolled through town.

Jeongin had chosen a few places and organized a small sightseeing tour. He could not tell quite as much as Seungmin, but it was clear that he had invested a lot of time in that route.

“And we end up at the park we were in yesterday. Because I feel like doing a parkour run again,” Jeongin said.

"Cool, me too," Felix agreed.

Suddenly they heard someone sneezing in the distance.

The others suppressed a laugh, seeing Felix's face and finally looked at him expectantly.

Felix then started dancing Fortnite, which made the group roll on the floor from laughing.

"Okay, but now move your asses before it gets dark. I want to take a shower later and you should all dress nicely,” Minho announced.

They ran freely through the facility and formed smaller groups.

Changbin and Chan climbed a rock wall.

“Why would anyone let children climb up this wall? That's really dangerous," Chan said and pulled himself up on the cliff so that he could sit on the edge.

"Sometimes you just want to see children in despair," Changbin replied, grinning.

They came back down over a hill. They did some simple jumps and balanced over stone slabs. There were so much more of them than at home. It was unknown territory, so Chan slipped almost three times when they crossed the small lake.

Changbin held out his hand and pulled him close. "Let's go over to Matt and Minho."

Minho sat on the ramp and looked down at Matthew. "I have no idea how I got up here in the first place!" he lamented.

“Just slide down. I'll catch you if necessary,” Matthew assured, holding out his arms.

"I swear to you, Jin, if you drop me, then-" Minho took a deep breath and slid his feet over the ramp before falling on Matthew.

They went down together, looking flustered before laughing.

"We still have to work on the landing," Changbin evaluated.

"Shut up" Minho replied, "I'm going over to Hyunjin." He jogged into that direction and was followed by Changbin.

"Don't be angry!" the younger one shouted, "I can help you."

Chan smiled, looking at two of them. "Oh, isn't it cute when our best friends start to bicker?"

"Yeah ... best friends," Matthew repeated, emphasizing the word "best".

“Ah sorry,” Chan replied, “It's easier to put it that way. Or would you prefer little brother?" He smiled and leaned against Matthew, who in turn put his arm around his waist.

Indeed. The other had grown quite a bit. How did that get past Chan? Was he so attached to the old days that he thought they would always just be their old self?

“I don't care what you call him. He's just ... Minho," Matthew mumbled, "Although I don't understand why he wants us to dress nicely. I don't have anything 'nice'."

"I always found you had a good sense of clothing style."

"Maybe because I look good in everything?"

Chan rolled his eyes in amusement. “Whatever. Come with me. We can look for a shirt later in town so you don't look like a street kid."

After they had let off steam, they walked back through town to the hotel because the busses were too full at that time of day.

Chan spotted a shirt he liked through the window of a store. So he dragged Matthew in and showed him. It was burgundy and had a solid collar. "There, do you want to wear that tonight?"

Matthew whistled approvingly. “Not bad. I like the colour." When he saw the price tag, he sucked in a sharp breath. "But unfortunately not for my budget."

At that, Chan gave a lighthearted shrug. "Don't think about the price." He held the shirt in front of Matthew’s torso. "It fits, right?"

Matthew checked the size. “Yes, but ..."

"So, do you want it?"

Hesitation was the answer Chan needed. He smiled. “Okay, it’s bought." He started walking, but was held by the wrist.

“Chan, no. You can't just buy this for me."

“Don’t be like that. The price is perfectly fine for the good quality."

Matthew sighed desperately. “I can’t accept that."

“Why not?" Chan pouted. “You need something to wear. Let me buy it for you." He raised an eyebrow. "Or does that hurt your Alpha pride?"

“What? No. Nonsense ... "

"Well, then I'll buy it for you!"

Chan bought the shirt and handed the bag to Matthew. "Well, let's go to the others!"

Matthew shook his head. "You’re unbelievable."

Since it would take forever to take turns for the bathroom, they washed in the public showers on the ground floor. Back in their rooms, however, it degenerated into chaos, because some of them could no longer find their things thanks to their laziness. So they all stumbled around and shuttled between rooms to inspect everything.

Chan went for a simple outfit and put on a tight, black turtleneck sweater. Proper trousers with a belt, a silver chain and his watch. Perfect.

He looked in his bag for elegant shoes, which, thank God, his mother had also packed. "You can be relied on, Mom," he muttered.

Not a second later the door opened and Minho entered. He wore a dark blue silk shirt combined with black leather pants.

Chan whistled appreciatively, whereupon Minho gave him a flirtatious wink. "Where are we going that we have to dress so fancy?"

"It’s a surprise," Minho replied mysteriously.

“Oh, come on. This is  _ your _ birthday. You should be surprised,” Chan said with a laugh.

"Well, I'm special, I guess." Minho selected a bracelet. “The shirt you bought Jin is really cool, by the way. It's crazy that you just pay so much for him." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Chan scratched his head, embarrassed. “Hm, yes ... so I ... "

Before he could continue speaking, Jisung and Felix burst in. "Has anyone seen my rings?" Jisung asked.

Chan shook his head. "You should be really tidier."

Jisung just groaned and left the room.

Minho eyed Felix's outfit with interest. He wore beige dungarees over a white shirt with a green bow tie. “You look really cute. I'm sure Changbin will change his mind about his type now,” he teased.

Felix waved his hand and then crossed his arms. "As if he ever understood something."

"Uhhhh" came from Chan because he thought it was funny how unexpectedly cheeky Felix had reacted.

"Okay, let's go," Minho concluded with a look at the clock.

* * *

Chan had expected a lot. But not with a  _ bar _ .

They stood in front of the entrance, decorated with glowing letters: "Gold Cane".

"Minho." Chan tugged on his sleeve. “Is this a good idea?"

“For sure. Trust me." He confidently led the troop inside. One of the waiters greeted them.

“I've reserved a table. Lee Minho."

The clerk looked up the list and then led them to their table.

Reluctantly, everyone sat down. Meanwhile, Chan tried to look around as much as possible. What he noticed was that most of the people here were pretty young. At their age, for sure. He frowned.

“Don't look around like that, Chan. All of them are minors." Minho took the card from the table. “No alcohol. The bar’s basically designed for teenagers.” He smiled. "And I'll pay."

“Man, how rich are you?!” Jisung mumbled while he studied the cards with all the extraordinary cocktails.

"Pretty rich,” Matthew and Chan replied at the same time. They looked at each other and snorted.

"Oh, no wonder Chan and Minho have been friends since they were little," Seungmin mocked them.

"Stop being so annoying," Minho replied, amused, "You can order anything you want in terms of food." He turned a little to the right and pointed to the stage. "There's a little show here later too, so make yourself comfortable."

Together they scoured the cards, discussed different flavours of drinks and finally ordered.

"Don't you want your presents?" Felix asked excitedly.

"Yes, sure," Minho said and grinned, "Bring it on."

Since Felix had asked, he started too. He pushed a box across the table and looked at him expectantly. "This is from Hyunjin and me."

Minho opened the box and took out a pait of red-black shoes. “Cool! Nike SB."

Felix smiled. “Yes. We know you already have dance shoes, but we thought that some with a little more grip wouldn't be bad ... ”

“They’re great! My parents don't know shit about shoes, so they never buy me any."

Seungmin gave him several books, including guides such as "How do I learn to make funny jokes?"

"How lovely," Minho grumbled.

Seungmin giggled and handed him another gift. "I think that at least you'll like this book."

Minho tore off the wrapping paper. It was a photo album with a few scribbles on the cover. He opened it carefully and looked at the pasted pictures. From inconsequential meetings, moments at school, time with friends.

"No wonder you kept walking around with the camera," Jisung said.

“I like to take pictures in general. I thought it would be good to make use of it."

Minho smiled. “That’s cool. Thank you."

Jisung and Jeongin gave him Airpods and Changbin had chosen a collection of necklaces and rings, as everyone knew that Minho liked to wear silver jewelry (and it looked good on him too).

Chan handed Minho an envelope.

"Whoa, one of the richest people at the table hands the birthday boy a simple envelope," Jisung pointed out the irony.

Chan smiled. "Well, sometimes it doesn't have to be big to make a big difference."

"And Socrates comes out again," Hyunjin said and put his arm around Seungmin, "And yes, I know that he wasn't the only philosopher."

Seungmin flicked his temple.

Minho tore open the envelope and peeked inside. His jaw dropped. "No," he said, "you're kidding me."

Chan grinned. “Why would I?"

With trembling fingers, Minho took out two tickets. “You. Are. Not. Fucking. Serious."

Now the others leaned forward with interest.

Jeongin plucked one of the cards from Minho's hand and gasped for air. “No way! Chan got him tickets for the 2PM concert in Seoul! Fucking VIP!"

Immediately it became restless at the table.

A moment later, Chan felt himself being shaken by Jisung. “VIP! How did you do that?!"

"Hey, I'm crazy about music. I now know how to get good tickets”, Chan replied with a laugh, “Tickets for the train ride and overnight accommodation are also included.”

“Shit, Chan. That’s sick. You're completely sick,” Minho said, shaking his head in disbelief. Chan knew how much Minho liked 2PM. It was probably the very first group he had been seriously interested in. Staying up half the night to order the tickets on time through his mother's account was definitely worth it.

One after another, Minho hugged everyone and thanked them profusely.

"Wait a minute," Felix noticed, "What about Matt's present?"

"Oh, he already gave me his," Minho replied with a smile.

"Is it that private?" Felix asked a little curiously.

Minho and Matthew looked at each other.

“You could say that."

They did not have to explain more because they got interrupted by the music from the stage. They looked at the artists there, ordered new drinks every now and then, and tried to talk to each other halfway over the noise. But they were mostly having fun.

It was good to sit here and do nothing but enjoy oneself. Here the time passed differently than outside in this problematic world, in which Chan had to face his challenges again and again. At that moment it did not matter who he was anymore. He just looked into the faces of the others and could read simple joy in them.

Why was it so difficult nowadays to let yourself drift in time and finally forget its existence? Was that not what made life so ... worth living?

"I'm getting outside," he announced and took his jacket. It was now pretty fresh outside, which gave his head a nice clear draft as soon as he stood in front of the bar. A few people had made themselves comfortable on the benches, so he stopped and looked at the goings-on in the street.

He enjoyed the silence until he felt another presence next to him.

Felix.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked.

Chan smiled and put his arm around his cousin. “Sure. What about you?"

“I’m great. It's really cool here." Felix wrapped his arms around Chan's body. "It sucks that this is our last evening."

Chan sighed at the thought. He would have loved to have stayed here longer. "We can come back sometime."

“That would be awesome."

They were silent as they looked up at the dark sky. Only a few stars could be seen, and if so, only faintly. But the night was still beautiful to look at.

"I had the feeling that over our time here you could be a little more like you again," Felix claimed suddenly.

Chan's heart contracted.

"Will that change again when we're home?"

Chan pressed his lips together and rubbed Felix's shoulder with his thumb “I don’t know …"

Felix slowly broke away. “But I don't understand. You’re Chan. Usually you have everything under control."

Chan smiled weakly. “Lix, I have my limits too. You can't influence everything in life." He nodded towards the door. "Let's go back to the others."

* * *

Back at the hotel everyone was pretty exhausted. Some could not even brush their teeth and fell straight into bed.

Even when Chan was exhausted, he could not imagine going to sleep. Strangely enough, the conversation between him and Felix was still present in his mind. Always lying really sucked.

At some point during the night he noticed that the bed across his own was rustling. Eventually, he sensed that someone was creeping across the room and lying down again.

Chan smiled. Apparently Minho had laid down next to Jisung. It was normal for the boys to sleep in other beds and cuddle. After all, they did not often have the opportunity to do something as a large group over several days. So it did not surprise him that the door opened half an hour later.

"Felix?"

Chan turned around and looked at the light coming from the hallway.

"Don't you want to sleep with me?" Felix asked.

Jisung straightened up and rubbed his eyes. Minho was probably already asleep because he did not even physically react to the nightly visit.

"But I don't want to leave Minho alone."

"Hyunjin will come,” Felix answered.

“Really? I thought he was sleeping in a bed with Jeongin."

Felix giggled. "He took too much space away from him, so he was kicked out."

Jisung started giggling. “Okay, I’ll come with you."

And ten minutes later Hyunjin actually entered the room drowsily and laid down under the covers next to Minho.

Chan smiled at the thought.

It was probably already two o'clock in the morning and they were all wandering around to snuggle everyone. Normally Felix would come to him, but this time he had chosen Jisung. That was okay too. Chan could not sleep anyway and would be too restless in bed.

He rolled over on his back and concentrated on falling asleep. He even tried counting sheep, even though he knew it never helped.

He winced slightly when the door opened again. This time, however, more cautiously, more hesitantly.

Shortly afterwards he felt a presence standing by his bed. He turned around and frowned until he could vaguely see Matthew in front of him.

"Matt, what are you doing here?" he breathed and sat up.

"I can't sleep," the other admitted.

Chan smiled and took his big hand. “Me too." He leaned against him and placed his head on his shoulder.

They paused for a while, quietly watching the moon shining through the window.

"I have a surprise for you," Matthew told him, leaning back.

"Surprise?" Chan repeated.

“Yes." He got up and opened Chan's closet to take out a towel, clothes and his swim shorts. He hastily stuffed it into the backpack he had brought with him. “Come on. We won’t go far.”

Chan blinked in confusion and bit his tongue. “Matt …  _ See, it's very late. _ ”

“I know. But it’ll do you good. After that you can definitely sleep better."

Chan looked up at him and played with the covers.

What should he do now?

  
  



	38. "I know that you don't need me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> This chapter contains explicit content about consequences and feelings regarding self-harm. 
> 
> If you have any experiences, please take care and maybe read it while you are not alone. 
> 
> Stay safe.

"Okay, I'll come with you," Chan decided.

It was difficult to resist Matthew's gaze. Especially when he was already looking at him so fondly. Nevertheless, a strange feeling crept inside of him. What did they need swimming trunks for?

"You can leave your pajamas on," Matthew informed and steered Chan out of the room.

They put on their shoes, grabbed a key, and left the room as quietly as possible before making their way down to the first floor.

"Did you know the hotel has a pool here?" Matthew asked.

"No, why should I?" Chan replied and clung to the other. He did not know why, but he felt uneasy when they walked the hallways alone at night. The place was cute, cozy and peaceful, but he always had the feeling that weird people were out late at night. No matter where.

Had the encounter with the group of Alphas really affected him that much? He had probably never been so scared in his entire life. In the end, they had both escaped the dangerous situation, but so much worse could have happened. To Matthew. To him. Maybe even to the others.

That would have been an absolute horror scenario.

“In any case, you can also access the pool at night if you ask for permission and pay a little extra. There aren't many people interested, but the receptionist said it wouldn't cost them much more money and that guests would have more fun in return."

"That's nice."

Wait a second.

Matthew wanted to  _ go swimming _ with Chan?

Aside from the fact that the gesture was sweet, Chan panicked. Of course. Otherwise, why should he have packed his swim trunks? God, why had he not just stayed in the room? But he had never expected that they would actually go swimming at that time.

"Yes. I thought since you were so sad about the thermal baths, we could at least get into the water here. Just swim a few laps," Matthew explained, "Since you miss it so much."

Oh yeah. Chan did miss it. But swimming in this place? With all the wounds on his legs? A crust had already formed (which made the cuts itch like crazy), but they were clearly visible.

"I ... Matt ..."

They entered the changing area.

Matthew directed him into one of the cubicles and immediately took off his shirt, which made Chan wince. Embarrassed, he looked away, even though it was completely stupid. Maybe it was because the cabin was small and cramped. He had no idea what to do now.

Matthew had already put on his swimming trunks, so all he had to do was get rid of his pajamas. "Come on. Swimming will be good for you." He smiled at Chan.

Chan in turn only smiled weakly back. "I don't really feel like swimming ..."

“You're just rusty. I know you actually want to swim."

And how Chan wanted it. But he could not. Really not.

"Just a little round? Please." Matthew pouted. Sometimes he was a baby. Literally a giant baby.

Chan sat down on the narrow bench and pulled his arms around him as if he wanted to protect himself. Not from Matthew. But from the truth. He looked at the floor and let out a rattle.

Matthew knelt down, concerned. "Everything okay?"

"I ... I ..." Chan felt guilty, which was clearly visible in his eyes when he looked at Matthew. At that moment he was so incredibly fragile that the other person did not know what to do or what not to do. Reluctantly, he put his hand on Chan's thigh.

Chan immediately jerked back and pressed his foot against Matthew's stomach. He blinked in confusion before backing away. "Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," Matthew said, a little startled,  _ "Chris, you can talk to me." _

Chan felt it sting behind his eyes. How long could he hide it from Matthew? He did not want it at all. He was not approachable either emotionally or physically. It had to be really frustrating for the other.

"Promise me you won't freak out," he mumbled.

"I won't," Matthew said seriously.

Chan took a deep breath and undid his pants, which he hesitantly peeled off. He kicked them off his feet. Since his boxer shorts covered most of his thighs, he had to get rid of them too. But one could already see some of the dark lines on his pale skin.

He took off his underwear and pulled his shirt over his crotch while biting his lower lip. The shame not only crept into his face, no, even his shoulders turned a little red - he became so warm.

"Chan ..." Matthew whispered.

"Don't be mad, Alpha." Chan tightened his fingers around the edge of the bench. Shit, why did he use that name? Why was everything so mixed up in his head again? Fucking periods and fucking hormones.

"Why should I be mad?" Matthew took Chan's hands. “I… just don't get it. Why are you doing this?"

Chan had no words. How could he explain that when he hurt himself, he felt relief and comfort? That nothing and no one could give him as much support and security as the scissors which he kept in his hand? He was so ashamed that tears came to his eyes.

"I don't know," he managed to choke out. Although he knew. But he did not know how to explain it to an outsider.

He withdrew his hands from Matthew and buried his face in them before sobbing. Fortunately, nobody was around here. Not that he would care in the first place. He felt absolutely terrible.

"Chan… please calm down. Look at me."

Reluctantly, Chan reestablished eye contact.

“I'd like to hug you right now,” Matthew said, “Is that okay? If I hug you?"

The fact that he asked so gently for Chan's permission broke the walls. Chan put his hands forward and slid off the bench onto Matthew's lap.

The other leaned against the wall of the cabin, held him tightly in his arms and stroked his curls soothingly. His hand slowly ran down the back of Chan's thigh. The contact was intimate, but not sexual. Just very close. And just like Chan needed it. Proximity which did not pressure him or set him under expectations. 

Chan cried freely in the crook of Matthew's neck, his shoulders trembling. He clung helplessly to the other and was glad not to be dropped.

He had no idea how long they sat here, but at some point he was willing to let go.

Matthew brushed the tears from his cheeks. He held Chan's face carefully. "Your beautiful skin," he breathed.

Chan grimaced. That was not what he wanted to hear. It did not matter what he looked like if he felt ugly and useless on the inside. That was why he did not even have the inhibitions about scaring himself. Everything was ephemeral and thus at some point meaningless. No matter how many happy moments there were, he could never hold onto them.

But he knew that Matthew could not understand these lines of thoughts. So he did not want to be a spoiled brat who complained about every little thing.

"Should we go back?" Matthew asked.

Chan was silent and leaned against him. He took his time answering as he ran his fingers along the older man's biceps.

"You know what? Swimming actually sounds very tempting." He got up and opened Matthew's backpack to take out his swimming trunks. Finally he took off his shirt. "Come with me."

They put the things in a locker and made their way to the pool.

In fact, there was no visitor left. Well. It was now almost three o'clock in the morning after all.

Matthew took Chan's hand and led him down the stairs into the water.

With some hesitation, Chan took one step at a time until the water was up to his stomach. "It's warm," he stated and took a deep breath. He had promised Hannah not to bathe again. But did that also count into this rule? He swallowed hard.

"What are you thinking about?" Matthew questioned.

As a reflex, Chan wanted to answer "nothing". But would that be fair? Always lying? Would he have been at a different point if he had just kept telling the truth? He reached out to Matthew and held on to him. "I'm scared," he admitted.

"Of the water?"

"... Yes." Somehow. He was afraid of drowning. He inhaled sharply and backed away.

"Chan. Hey, Chan. It's all good." Matthew held his arms. "Everything's fine. Nobody will see us here. Relax."

Chan looked at him for a long time before nodding and allowing himself to be pulled deeper into the water. At some point he did a few swimming strokes.

It was good to swim again. It was so familiar and strange at the same time. However, he did not dare to go to the deep end and therefore moved towards the brink to face the large side of the window. The lighting conditions were pleasant. To save electricity, only the lamps in the pool were lit.

"It's crazy that it's our last night here," Mathew said, resting his arms on the pool, "I could stay here for a little while."

Chan smiled. "That doesn't sound bad." Then he was silent. Yes, trivial topics might be a nice twist in their conversation. "It's just a shame that I haven't finished my task yet." He smiled. "How about you?"

Matthew grimaced slightly. "Uhm ... I solved it. I guess."

"Really? When?” Chan asked, surprised.

Matthew turned to him. "Earlier. In the locker room." He brushed a curl off Chan's face. "My job was to get you to tell me a secret."

Chan blinked and smiled bitterly. "Congratulations, I guess. Now we're tied."

Matthew sighed softly and leaned forward to kiss Chan's cheek. "I'm sorry I brought you here."

Chan pressed his lips together and looked at the water around them. He tilted his head slightly and hummed. Was he mad that Matthew had brought him here? To be honest, he did not care anywhere right now.

"No, I think that will do me good." Chan looked at him immediately. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me." Matthew leaned forward to kiss Chan on the mouth, but Chan turned his head away.

"Ahah, if you want to kiss me, I expect something in return," Chan teased him with a hoarse voice. He was still shocked by what had happened. But maybe that was why he pushed everything away from him. To finally stop thinking about it.

"A trade?" Matthew raised his eyebrows and smiled.

"Yes." Chan thought for a moment. He snapped his fingers. "What did you give Minho for his birthday?" He had been wondering - like the others - all evening.

Matthew scratched his head in embarrassment. "I ..." He seemed to hesitate. It was unusual to see him unsure.

"What?"

His lips curled up. "I wrote a song for him."

"What?"

"I played it before our holidays," he explained, "kind of a private concert."

Chan dropped his jaw. "Wha... you write music?"

"Not good one tho," Matthew said.

"Oh, shut up. That's cool!" Chan punched him. "If I had known ..." What the hell? They had known each other for so long and yet he discovered this fact so late. "Why didn't you say anything? We could've all started a group together!"

Matthew hesitated. "That's why," he replied.

"What?"

“Your name's  **3** Racha with good reason. Our styles of music don't go together. I can't really work with the stuff you do."

Chan frowned and crossed his arms. "So you don't like our music?"

"These are two completely different things," Matthew said quickly, "I can hear your music and enjoy it without making it myself."

Chan saw that. "But then I also want to hear something from you! Sick that you never said anything to me, you ass."

Matthew laughed hoarsely. "Maybe. Sometime." He moved closer. “Am I getting my kiss now?"

Chan rolled his eyes merrily. "I'm a fair person who sticks to agreements." He actually had to step on his tiptoes to reach Matthew's mouth.

Usually the other guy would lean over to him, but this time he preferred to enjoy the kiss without doing anything.

"Shit, you've actually grown quite a bit," Chan stated after he had shifted back.

"Alpha genes."

"Show-off."

Matthew laughed softly. "Don't you want to dive?"

Chan shook his head. "Actually ... I want to get out of here."

"For sure? The water's so nice and warm."

Chan backed away.

Matthew looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you under pressure."

“No, it's okay. You can't help it." Chan wrapped his arms around his torso. "I just don't feel like it." He checked the clock. “Besides, it's really late. Or early. Whatever you want." He smiled slightly. “We could take a shower. And mayhaps I can sleep with you tonight."

The gentle way he asked melted Matthew. "Sure."

Realizing how insecure and confused Chan was, he accepted his boyfriend's mental absence. When they took a shower he helped him wash, but they both kept their bathing trunks on. He carefully ran his hands over the smooth skin, trying not to cross any boundaries.

Chan was grateful for that and allowed himself to be touched by the other. Even when Matthew's fingers ran between his legs, he stayed calm and enjoyed the contact. Matthew's hands on his body with no ulterior motives. That was exactly what he needed.

"By the way, you have to get Hyunjin to buy yourself something if you want to beat me," Chan said as they changed their clothes.

"Nah, I think a tie is good," Matthew replied as he shouldered the backpack.

Chan looked at him sternly. "I don't need alms."

Matthew smiled. "Yes, I know, love." He put a towel on the silver hair. "I'm trying my best."

"Okay then."

They snuck back into the hotel room, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"I think there's more space in my room right now," Matthew said after peeping into all the rooms. In Chan's room there were not only Hyunjin and Minho, but also Seungmin and Changbin. However, Changbin was now with Minho and Seungmin next to (or rather on) Hyunjin.

"Okay. Then we'll go to you."

There was no one in Matthew's room. Jisung and Felix were probably sleeping with Jeongin.

Chan threw himself into Matthew's bed and inhaled the pheromones. "God, you smell so fucking good," he commented.

“What exactly do I smell like? I know it's ginger. But how does it smell exactly?"

Chan turned on his back. "Did I never say that?"

Meanwhile Matthew was busy closing the door, but Chan stopped him.

"Don't. Otherwise it will seem strange."

After all, without saying it, they had decided on their last night to leave all doors open so that they could change rooms without making too much noise.

So Matthew just left the door ajar and then crawled into bed next to Chan.

They had never really slept together in a bed before. The one time Matthew had stayed he had just been lying on the blanket.

But now he wrapped his arms around Chan's waist and pulled him to his broad chest. "So what do I smell like for you?" He buried his face in Chan's neck.

Chan closed his eyes and smiled.  _ For me _ .

"Ginger tea."

"Ginger tea?"

Chan smiled. "Yes. Warm. Like freshly poured tea. Maybe with a spoonful of honey, depending on your mood. It's like sensing the steam of the hot water whenever you hug me. Your pheromones don't just smell. I can feel them,” he whispered, "I could sit on the balcony in the crisp morning air, clutching onto you because you keep me warm enough."

Matthew smiled against the back of his neck. "You're so fucking poetic."

Chan chuckled softly. "I don't have philosophy as an additional course for nothing."

Matthew ran a hand over his stomach. "I'm glad you told me," he muttered, sending a chill down Chan's spin, "Whatever it is: We can get through this together."

"You’re my boyfriend. Not my therapist," Chan mumbled," You aren't there to solve my problems."

"Then at least let me be there for you."

Chan did not reply, but closed his eyes. He was too tired to discuss any further. Matthew could be quite stubborn, so he did not have the strength to argue any further.

"Chan, you're with me. You don't have to go alone anymore."

"I ..."

"I know you have always been a loner. But just because you don't want to accept help doesn't mean you don't deserve it." Matthew sighed. "Stop trying to prove something to me." His voice grew lower and lower. “I know you're strong. I know that you don't need me."

Chan wanted to say something, but his throat was tight. He dug his fingers into the pillow. He exhaled audibly through his nose and swallowed.

"But ...  _ I _ need you."

Chan turned in Matthew's arms and put his hands on his face. "Matt, shhh. I don't even want to get rid of you." He sealed his lips with a small kiss. "Just give me a little more time."

Matthew nodded slightly. "Okay"

But was it really okay this time?

* * *

Chan was not really sound asleep, so he woke up just four hours later. "Great," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He was laying on Matthew's chest. Their legs were tangled together into a mess. 

He smirked when he saw the other's peaceful face. "Hey," he breathed. He gently shook the shoulder of the other.

Matthew winced and opened his eyes. "What time is it?" he asked and yawned.

"No idea. But we should slowly wake up the rest so that we can have breakfast before we leave." Chan sat up and stretched. He looked at Matthew's cell phone display, which said 7:30 a.m. "Ah, half past seven."

"Enough time," Matthew yawned.

“Don't go back to sleep. Otherwise you'll be even more tired later." Chan laid back on top of him and poked his cheek. "Come on, you huge baby."

Matthew threw his arms around his waist and leaned forward to kiss him.

Chan then put a hand over his own mouth. "Don't,” he mumbled, "No teeth brushed yet."

"So what?" Matthew grinned and kissed the back of his hand.

"Idiot."

They heard footsteps and the ajar door was pushed open.

"Ah, you’re already awake,” Seungmin said with a yawn. As always, he was one of the first to get up, "Will you help me to throw the others out of their beds?"

Chan nodded. "Jisung seems to forget his duties." 

They woke up the others and packed up before going to breakfast.

Seungmin cleared his throat and raised his cup of cocoa. "So, our last breakfast in this hotel. I just wanted to let you know that you’re all a walking disaster and you can't even clean up for shit."

Giggle was the answer.

"But the last few days have been ... okay." He cleared his throat and grinned. "Sorry, I mean they were pretty cool. Enjoy burned eggs and stuff for the last time. Thanks for the celebration, Minho. Fucking. Best. Birthday."

The others raised their cups and tossed, Cheers! off before they ate.

"Ah, I haven't even got my punishment," Chan said.

He was looked at in surprise.

"You were killed?" Jisung asked, "By whom?"

Chan nodded towards Matthew.

"What was the task?" Minho asked.

Matthew looked at Chan to wait for his confirmation. "Chan should tell me a secret."

Tense silence.

He rolled his eyes laughing. "No, I won't say it."

Disappointed murmurs were the answer.

"So now there's a tie between you," Seungmin stated.

Matthew nodded. "Let's see if I can still do the last task." He touched his cup. "Hmm, I'd like to have another coffee."

"Then get one," Seungmin said unimpressed.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I have no more change. You can only get coffee from the machine." He looked thoughtfully at the cup. "Hyunjin, can you lend me money?"

“Nah, it's just a few won. I can buy you a cup, no problem." Hyunjin got up and grabbed his mug. But when he looked into Matthew's eyes, he paused.

“What is it?” Felix asked, a little worried.

Hyunjin stared into Matthew's face for an eternity before he sat down again. "I think Hyung will have to go without his coffee."

The answer was very unusual for him, so (almost) everyone looked at each other in confusion.

"Because I think it's his task to see that I buy something for him," Hyunjin said and looked at him challengingly.

Caught up, Matthew backed away and shrugged. "Okay, yes. Busted,” he surrendered.

A murmur went through the group.

"How did you find out?" Changbin questioned.

Hyunjin smiled. “If you regularly try to read emotions in Seungmin's eyes, then the rest of the world is an open book. It's now pretty easy for me to tell when someone's lying. At least if I look at them long enough."

Chan got goosebumps at the statement.

Seungmin sighed annoyed. "Don't be proud of always bothering me." 

Hyunjin giggled. "I know, I know."

“I think Hyunjin should be the winner,” Jeongin claimed, “I don't feel like playing anymore anyway. And so far he's been the only one who's realized that he'll be killed. The task for his elimination is therefore void. He's basically immortal now."

The rest of the group also agreed on this result.

It was a little sad when they had cleaned everything up and were about to leave the room. Chan looked around one last time and smiled. Fortunately, Seungmin - as always - had taken photos. It was nice to know that some memories were being kept.

There was a lot of talk and laughter during the train ride. Although they had not slept much, they still had enough adrenaline pumping to keep them awake for the ride.

It was only when they got to the train station, where Chan's and Minho's mother picked them up, that they realized how exhausted they were.

"And? How was it?” Chan's mother asked.

Everyone was talking at once, telling about what they had seen and experienced.

The two women laughed at the children's bright eyes.

"It's nice that you had fun," Minho's mother said, getting a kiss on the cheek from her son.

“As a well-known speaker once said: 'Fucking. Best. Birthday',” Minho announced proudly.

The two mothers looked at each other in confusion. "Who says that?"

Laughter broke out. Chan had not smiled so much in a long time.


	39. "Promised?"

The holidays went by in a flash.

Chan met his friends a few more times, but they could not quite bring the Masan feeling back to life.

He avoided collisions with the family, especially with his father. So he mostly stayed in his room for dinner after making some petty excuses.

His mother allowed it. She was currently looking for appropriate therapists and made various suggestions to Chan.

But he was so overwhelmed that he did not even know exactly what he needed. So he mostly shrugged his shoulders and pulled back.

He knew it was not good. Slowly he should get up and get his life under control. But everything in him resisted. Did he secretly want to suffer?

No, that would be really stupid.

Matthew had not spoken to him about his wounds again. He only accepted it when he saw it. Often, however, this was not the case because they mostly met outside. They did not feel safe either at his or at Chan's home, so they preferred to walk around the city in the afternoon.

The closer the end of holidays got, the more restless Chan became. He could not put off his problems forever. He knew that.

In the morning he woke up early from being so nervous and went down the stairs with trembling knees. Even if he was hungry, he did not know if he could have breakfast without throwing up.

Lucas was already happily playing while Hannah spooned her fairy-cereal.

Chan sat down at the table and took bread from a plate.

His mother leafed through the newspaper and looked over to her son. "Did you sleep well?"

"More or less," Chan mumbled and bit into his bread. He looked at the clock and sighed. More than enough time.

His mother put the newspaper aside and stirred her coffee. "Chan, I gave you all the freedom over the holidays, hoping that you’d talk to me at some point."

Chan said nothing. What was she referring to specifically? That he withdrew? That he did not like to talk about school? That he played less with Hannah than usual and forgot to take Berry for a walk?

“We've known Jinseok for so long. You don't have to hide your relationship."

Chan grimaced. Actually, he had never said they were together, but after the uncomfortable conversation with his father at dinner, it was more or less obvious.

Yes, he allegedly threw himself at the next Alpha.

“I'd like to invite him for dinner. Your favourite restaurant?"

Chan paused. "If Dad comes along, you can forget about that." He continued to eat. Arguing with his mother was definitely not on his mind, but he really did not want to have _this_ conversation. It would be so cliché and somehow not at all appropriate to his current life situation.

Hannah probably did not feel like sitting at the table during this discussion, because she took her empty bowl to put it in the kitchen. Then she went to her own room.

“That would be a great opportunity for the two to really get to know each other. They basically only saw each other once in the past months."

"Dad has to work too much," Chan replied.

“You know very well that he's doing this for us. Otherwise I couldn't sit here and talk so comfortably with you."

Chan sighed. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry." He filled his glass with water and took a long sip to avoid the rest of the conversation.

"Think about it."

Chan nodded and went back upstairs to change for school. He looked thoughtfully at himself in the mirror as he pulled his tie according to the rules. After all, he did not want to be exposed by Junhyeok once again. He cocked his head slightly and ran his hand through his silver hair.

He left the room and knocked on Hannah's door.

"Come in."

He went in and sat on her bed. "Hey."

"Why are you still here?"

"School doesn't start until half an hour," he explained. He looked over at her desk with the mirror, hairbrush and myriad accessories. "Would you like to braid my hair?"

Hannah looked at him in surprise before starting to clap her hands. "Yay!" She hurried over to her table and grabbed her things. She sat down with him on the bed and brushed his hair.

He had not been to the hairdresser's in a while, so the girl had no problem taking the long strands. She started by pulling his hair back and braiding it together. Finally she reached into her can and held everything with black clamps. “I think we're only doing one side. Otherwise it'll take too long,” she said as she handed him the mirror, "I hope the hair thingies can keep everything together."

"Wow, you’ve gotten really good at braiding." 

"Thanks!" She smiled widely. Then she looked a little more serious. "Chan, I think you should introduce Matt to Dad."

Chan sighed heavily. "You're right. I'll ask him later."

“Promised?" She looked at him expectantly.

Chan shook his head in amusement. "Promised."

* * *

"Boom. Look at that." Minho turned his forearm up. The Beta sign twisted very clearly on his skin. "I got it a few days ago."

The others leaned over it.

"Whoa! It's great that you already have yours!" Jisung commented, "Much faster than Matt."

"Or Chan," Jeongin added pointedly.

Chan shrugged his shoulders and looked over to the wall. The janitor was busy wiping off all the red smudges while stomping his foot angrily. No wonder. The vandalism did not want to stop. Therefore, the walls of the school building were repainted again and again: several Alpha symbols, hate speeches, announcements and other things.

"Right. When do you think you'll get yours, Chan?" Hyunjin asked.

"I have no idea," he said, "Who cares?"

Hyunjin blinked. "Well. We care." He smiled. "We just want to make sure that everything's okay with you."

"Thanks, but I'll be fine," Chan reassured bitterly and got up. He did not want to be mean or cold, but there were more pleasant things in the world than talking about this specific subject. So he went over to the caretaker.

"Hello, Mr. Kim," Chan greeted him politely and bowed slightly.

"Oh, hello, Chan." The man wiped his forehead. "Unbelievable, right?" He looked unhappily at the walls.

"I'm sorry you have to clean this up. You're not paid for that crap,” Chan apologized sympathetically.

Mr. Kim laughed softly. "That's nice of you. It's just funny that I actually expect these words from the current head boy." He looked over at Junhyeok, who was talking to his friends and did not even seem interested in doing anything about the graffiti.

Chan sighed. "He's probably ... busy."

Mr. Kim returned to his work. “When you were the head boy, that sort of thing rarely happened. It's a shame that the reputation of the entire school is being dragged down."

"It'll definitely get better with the Open Day."

The caretaker nodded slowly. “But if it isn't like that, fewer students will come. That in turn means less work. And that in turn means less money." He looked sadly at the wall. "Unfortunately, the food for my family doesn’t fall from the sky either."

Chan bit his lip. “Mr. Kim, don't worry. I’ll make sure that the Open Day will be a success so that new students have no other choice than to enroll here.”

The man turned to him in surprise. "How are you going to do that? I thought you had given up your position."

Chan nodded. "But the Open Day is organized by the students and not just by the head boy." He tapped his chin. "And well, if you have the right friends, there’s a lot to do." He winked conspiratorially at the other.

The caretaker laughed heartily. A nice contrast to the face he had drawn just before. “That makes me feel better. Thank you, my boy."

Chan said goodbye to him and soon after spotted Matthew walking across the school yard towards Stray Kids. He quickly ran to him and stopped him. "Hey, stranger."

Matthew smiled. "Oh, hi. Are you often here?"

"Only when I see cute boys walking across the schoolyard."

Matthew rolled his eyes theatrically. “How charming. How has been your day so far?" Immediately he grabbed Chan's hand. They both strolled slowly over to the others.

“Economy was a bit dry, but otherwise everything was okay. I actually wanted to ask you something."

Matthew looked at him with interest.

"My mo ..." He paused for a moment. “My parents are inviting you for dinner. You know, this whole get-to-know thing."

Matthew frowned. "Oh, um ... Do you mean as a couple?"

“I didn't tell them specifically, if that's what you mean,” Chan replied quickly, “But well, they guessed it. Or … my mother guessed it."

Matthew laughed softly. "Oh yeah, that’s just how mothers are." He squeezed Chan's hand, which in turn made the other feel more secure. “So over at yours?"

Chan shook his head. “My mother suggested that we could go to my favourite restaurant. _Le Ciel Blue_? If that tells you anything."

Matthew paled a little. "That ..." He looked away, embarrassed. "Chris, I don't have the clothes for such a restaurant." He pawed the asphalt with his foot in uncertainty.

Chan immediately turned his face towards him. He pressed his index finger to his nose. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it." He smiled. “You just have to accept the invitation.”

Matthew chewed his lower lip. “Oh, _why the fuck not?_ ”

“Good, thank you. Otherwise my mother will torment me with her dog eyes."

"Worse than Berry's?"

"For sure."

When they arrived and sat down, Minho greeted them with a “Hey, lovebirds", whereupon they all teased each other.

"So after the Masan trip, I actually need a break from you," Seungmin said and folded his arms behind his head.

"A break from holidays," Jeongin confirmed.

Their casual conversations were interrupted when Junhyeok approached them.

"Chan," he said seriously, "I saw that you spoke to the janitor."

Chan suppressed a growl. Instead, he relaxed his shoulders and looked at him as calmly as possible. “And? I can speak to whoever I want to speak.”

“You’re aware that as a regular student you don’t have the right to get in my way. I told Mr. Kim to clean the walls, so don't distract him."

Chan snorted and got up. "It's not his goddamn job to wipe the dirt of your Alpha group. Look at that poor man! He just wants to make his living to support his family."

“I don't care what a heartbreaking story this guy has. The school’s mine, so I can decide what’s part of his work,” Junhyeok replied, digging his forefinger into his chest.

“The school belongs to all of us. Not just to you. Not just to the Alphas. To everyone," Chan said steadfastly, slapping Junhyeok's hand away, "Don't touch me, you rat. And stop ordering people around."

“Aren't you doing the same thing?” Junhyeok shot back, “As long as I have this badge, I'm in charge. Your days as a head boy are over, so stop acting in such an entitled way." He crossed his arms and grinned. "It's not in everyone's genes to be a leader."

Chan's blood was boiling, but he was not allowed to make a scene. Otherwise he would be all the more a target.

"Get him down, Jun!"

"Show this wimp!"

"Punish him!"

Junhyeok held up his hand to calm the boys behind him. “A punishment may not be bad. For resisting me in every way."

“Because I have an opinion? Because you can't get your ass up to help people who really need the help? I noticed that the boys are now shifting the cleaning service onto the girls, even though they also have homework and club activities. So far, I haven’t noticed that you did something about it."

Even if Chan was no longer on the school board, he knew about everything in the schoolhouse. Not even because of Changbin, but because over time he had learned what to look for. He was used to walking around like a scanner to keep things safe.

“You don't have to criticize my work. You're not even on the school board anymore." Junhyeok glanced at his wrist. "Your watch is confiscated." He grabbed Chan's arm.

“What?! Let go!" Chan pressed against him. It was a Rolex watch. Aside from being damn expensive, it was a gift from his father. One of the few things which reminded him that there had been a time when the two had gotten along well.

Where the hell was the break supervision when one needed them?

His friends reacted immediately, but the fastest was Matthew, who pushed Junhyeok back. "Fuck off," he hissed.

Junhyeok snorted. "Oh, how nice that you got yourself a bodyguard," he grumbled and then looked at Matthew. "Well, I hope that slut pays well enough."

When Matthew understood what the other was implying, he took a step forward; probably to get to his throat.

Chan was quick to respond. “Matt, wait." He sighed and took off his watch. “Here." He gave it to Junhyeok. "Now go."

Junhyeok looked at him skeptically before taking the watch. "This time I’ll be easy on you.”

His squad followed him, but one of the boys took time to pour some juice over Chan's shirt.

"Serves you right, loser."

Chan watched the group unhappily. "Great," he grumbled when he looked at the orange spot.

"Chan, why did you do that?" Matthew asked a bit angry, "I was about to punch him."

"That's exactly why I did that,” Chan replied as calmly as possible.

"He deserves it!"

"Of course he does, but what's the point now?" Chan answered and ran his hand through his hair.

"He called you a slut!" Matthew said upset.

"Exactly,” Minho agreed, "That was absolutely unnecessary."

“That's how I see it too. He was so unprofessional,” Seungmin commented. Usually he avoided conflicts.

Chan shook his head. “Matt, imagine if a teacher had come over right now. Your word stands against his. Junhyeok has top grades and comes from a good family. And you are …” He was not quite sure how to describe it, so he left it. “Even though he had a bad grade for behaviour last year, the teachers like him. He's good at manipulating, so don't jeopardize your place at this school. You know that your parents cannot afford the fees of other schools.” He crossed his arms. "That was a favour from my side."

Matthew pressed his lips together, obviously still mad. At Junhyeok? At Chan? At both?

Chan heard a throat clearing behind him and saw a small group of girls. They were all perhaps one or two levels below him.

"Chan, we just wanted to thank you for standing up for us," one student said. She had black, shoulder-length hair and big bunny eyes. “We were afraid to report the issue with the cleaning service to a teacher. But it’s good to know that at least one person is still looking after things."

"Yeah, that was really cool," her friend agreed.

Bunny-girl handed him a handkerchief. "We're really sorry about what happened to you."

Chan took the tissue in surprise and dabbed his shirt with it. “Thank you."

The girls smiled at him and said goodbye.

"Well, look at that," Changbin said, "in the opinion of some students, Chan’s never left the office."

And while quite a bit of shit happened today, Chan felt exceptionally good after the altercation.

However, the feeling of euphoria did not last long. He found a number of messages in his locker. In class, people whispered behind his back (sometimes paper balls landed on his head). The boys were grimacing in the corridor. 

Chan had religion alone in the afternoons, so he felt almost surrounded.

"Chan, what happened to you?" Mrs. Park asked when she entered the room. It did not help that he was sitting at the front. "An accident during lunch?" She pointed to the dried orange juice stain.

He heard giggling in the background and wanted to bury his face in his hands. But should he really accuse someone? Well, in the end it would just be the truth.

"Someone poured juice on my shirt."

"Then I recommend that you be careful when walking in the future."

"I-" He broke off. “Yes, I will."

He was glad that he could finally go home. At the bike racks he spotted Matthew coming for his IT-class.

He always had free hours on Mondays, so in the meantime he drove to the flower shop to help his mother. He locked his bike and shouldered his bag before pausing as soon as he discovered Chan. He hesitated for a moment before walking up to him.

“Chan."

"Hey," the other greeted him and smiled weakly.

“How was school?"

"Pretty shitty." Chan pointed to his shirt. "That was really unnecessary." He laughed bitterly. "You're not mad at me?"

Matthew looked at him irritated. "I thought _you_ were mad."

Chan shook his head. "I was just afraid that something would happen to you."

Matthew chuckled. “You’re the cutest." He took Chan's hand. "The watch’s really expensive."

“If Jun has 'confiscated' it, I'll get it back somehow. Don't worry about that."

"I don't understand ... Why is he so freaked out?"

Chan shrugged his shoulders slightly. “He may be afraid that I’ll want to go back to my old job. But I don't want that at all."

“Why tho?"

Chan hesitated. “That’s ... quite complicated. We should talk about it another time." He knew too well that Matthew would freak out if he found out that he had given up his position because of him. Chan did not regret the decision for a second either, just now it was difficult for him to stay at school without collapsing. It was maybe very self-centered, but he always had the feeling that he was being wiped out from all sides.

"But Junhyeok’s definitely wrong," Matthew said, "Even if he's the head boy now, nobody knows people as well as you do."

Chan waved it off. "I don't care about this idiot." He checked his cell phone to check the time (right now he missed his watch). "I think you should go."

“Okay." Matthew put his arms around Chan's waist and leaned down a little.

However, Chan was faster and threw his arms around his neck while he stood on his tiptoes to kiss him. He buried his hand in his hair and sighed. He slowly pulled away and looked at Matthew, who smiled at him again.

Then, he frowned and looked past Chan.

Chan followed his gaze and saw Junhyeok. "What are you looking at?" he asked immediately, while he let go of Matthew.

"This isn’t allowed on the school premises," Junhyeok claimed.

"It’s not in the rules," Chan replied, almost venomously.

"Maybe they were changed?"

Chan was on the verge of punching him. “Nonsense. The change would have to be made public."

Junhyeok rolled his eyes. “Don’t provoke me."

"You’re the one who started."

"God, are we here in kindergarten?!"

Chan clenched his fists. “According to your standard, probably. Now just go and leave us alone." He met the other's gaze until he shrugged and walked past them.

"This guy sucks," Matthew commented, "Sometimes I think he's into you."

Chan slit his eyes. "I doubt that someone like that can feel something like love or affection."


	40. "I thought you were on my side."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: 
> 
> This chapter contains explicit descriptions of self-harming with razor blades, which results in deep cuts. 
> 
> Furthermore, the scene at the end can be interpreted as attempt of suicide. It depends on your own interpretation. So watch out for that scene. 
> 
> If you have any experiences and/or if you are sensitive about these topics, consider skipping the last parts of the chapter. Or you can read it with accompany. 
> 
> Stay safe.

Usually Matthew was never very early. He always tried to get as much sleep as possible, which is why he only showed up shortly before class started.

But lately he wanted to avoid his parents. Chan had better control of his pheromones, but Matthew was occasionally subjected to skeptical investigations. He was not afraid to tell his parents about their relationship. Rather, he was afraid for Chan.

Although he really loved his parents, they were extremely stubborn in some ways. Pressing Chan into their ideas would be pretty uncomfortable for him. Therefore, he tried to avoid these conversations.

Today was a peaceful day. He had social studies and Korean with Minho and Chan. After that, they parted ways because Chan had Chinese and Minho had to go to a doctor's appointment (he probably sprained his foot while dancing). Normally he would have physics with him, but he would have to go through that alone.

He had no idea where the rest of the boys were, so he stayed in the auditorium. He was just about to sit down when he noticed a girl who was looking a bit lost.

She grabbed her hair and shook her head as she stared at a piece of paper. Again and again she looked up and turned in circles as if she were looking for a certain direction.

Matthew immediately approached her. "Do you need help?" He looked a little closer at the smaller girl.

She was petite and had a pretty face. Almost like a doll. In contrast, however, her eyes were surprisingly lively.

She winced, a little startled. Then she smiled in relief. "Oh my god, yes." She held the note out to him. "I'm new here and ... uhm well, I'm looking for the physics room."

Matthew looked at her in surprise. "Oh, I have to go there too. Looks like we have the same advanced course."

She laughed. “That's a coincidence! Good that you're here. I don't understand this plan."

Matthew took the piece of paper and frowned at it. "Oh yeah. That's not a very helpful plan either." He shook his head and crumpled up the paper. "Have you already been to the office? They can probably help you more."

"Good idea. I'll go over there later."

Matthew nodded in the direction of the corridor. “But the school isn't too big. You'll find your way around. The number in front of the point describes the floor. Everything else is for the regular room numbering," he explained on the way to the specialist room.

"Ah, I see." She nodded. "Thank you for your help …?"

“Matthew. Or Matt. It's up to you."

"Nice to meet you," she replied and immediately introduced herself, "Somin. Or Somin. It's up to you."

He smiled and shook his head at the remark.

Since the break would last a little longer, they just waited in front of the room.

"So, newbie. What's the reason you're here?" Matthew started a casual conversation. She looked nice, so he just found it polite to talk to her. Since she had no connections here anyway.

“I moved here a few days ago. I live down in town right now. Close to the market square," she said, "My father found good work here."

"Oh cool, my friends and I are there quite often," Matthew said, "Where are you from?"

“Before that we lived in the North. An insignificant village about two hours from here."

Matthew nodded. "It must be hard to leave everything behind."

Somin shrugged slightly and smiled sheepishly. “To be honest, I'm glad to get away from there. The people are pretty conservative. You can't live without boundaries. Many people talked behind my back."

Matthew made a face. "That sucks."

Little by little, more students came. Especially the male students seemed to be interested in the newbie of their course and did not give Somin not exactly subtle looks.

Matthew again looked hostile, which is why most of them did not even speak to her. He let only students he found okay near to her. They greeted Somin, asked her name, and so on. A few girls also introduced themselves and briefly talked with her until the teacher arrived.

"You can sit down with me if you want," Matthew offered, "My friend isn't here today."

"Sure, thank you." She smiled and crouched down next to him. “It's cool that the people are so nice. My last school was pretty anti-social."

Matthew puffed up his cheeks. “Oof, our school's very ... ambivalent. Some people are really cool, but with others you have to be careful. Most Alphas can be arrogant assholes."

She knitted her eyebrows in amusement and tapped her own neck. "I hope you don't belong to that kind?"

Matthew immediately touched the tattoo. "I hope not," he replied teasingly, "But if you think so, please punch me in the face."

She laughed softly. Then they went to class. Somin was good at physics, Matthew noted. They helped each other with the tasks and put their knowledge together.

While they sat so close next to each other, Matthew could latently smell her pheromones. But he realized that she was suppressing them. She smelled like a meadow with fresh flowers. A lovely scent - it matched her. Inevitably he smiled.

"What is it?"

“You smell of flowers. I like that. Because my mother owns a flower shop,” he replied.

“Oh, that's cute,” she said and nodded, “And? Can you also smell what status I have?"

Matthew concentrated. "You're really good at controlling your pheromones."

"Better than you."

"Ouch." He looked at her mockingly before laughing quietly. After all, they did not want to disturb the class. He thought a little longer. "I think you're an Omega."

"Bingo. My tattoo's on my thigh." She pointed to the spot above the skirt.

After class, Matthew led her towards the cafeteria. "And here we are in total chaos."

"Looks pretty nice actually," Somin commented. She finally looked up at him. “Don't you want to go to your friends? I can go around asking if someone has philosophy."

"As far as I know, the people who have philosophy on Tuesdays are back there." He pointed to the occupied tables in the corner.

She nodded. "Thanks for all your help. I hope we'll have more lessons together." She bowed slightly and waved him goodbye.

Shortly thereafter, Matthew set out to find his friends. As always they were hard to miss since they were so loud. He sat down next to them as soon as he got his food.

"Hey, who was that?" Jisung asked curiously.

“A new student. Her name's Somin and she has physics with me."

Jisung looked over at her. "Whoa, she's pretty," he commented.

"Yeah," Matthew replied calmly. Then he caught Chan's gaze.

The corner of his eye twitched, but he continued eating. Apparently he did not want to say anything.

"And where's Minho?" Hyunjin asked.

"Doctor's appointment," Seungmin answered, "I wish you'd pay attention during our conversations."

"I do ... I just forget things sometimes."

Jisung was still interested in Somin. "Does Somin have her status yet?"

"She's an Omega."

Chan automatically put down his cutlery and stood up. "I have to go. Psychology's waiting."

Jeongin looked at him irritated. "Classes start in twenty minutes."

“I still have to go to the secretariat. Submitting papers." So he left the table.

Matthew hesitated a split second before standing up. "I'll go to the bathroom," he informed (which was far less suspicious than Chan's excuse). Even if it was weird that he went shortly after Chan, he was relaxed enough not to arouse skepticism.

He followed Chan and grabbed his hand. "Chris. Wait."

Chan paused and turned to face him.

“Yes?” he asked. He did not even look angry, but rather surprised that Matthew had stopped him. He frowned a little confused.

"I ... are you okay?" Matthew asked, seriously concerned.

Chan pushed his hand away and scratched his head. "Yes. I guess so."

"And why have you just left?"

Chan stepped closer and sniffed him. “You smell a little different. Is it her fault?"

"Well, we sat next to each other during the class."

"Okay."

Matthew looked at him skeptically. "You're not ... jealous, are you?"

"No, why would I? You can do whatever you want." Chan crossed his arms and looked at him. It took only five seconds for him to crack under Matthew's eyes. “Well, okay. I might have had a little panic reaction." He blushed. "She's beautiful."

"So? I'm with you. I can talk to other people."

"Of course ... Of course you can ..." Chan leaned his forehead against Matthew's chest and took a deep breath.

Then Matthew realized that it was not just about Somin. "Chan, what's wrong?"

Chan looked up at him. "I ..." He shook his head slightly. “Yesterday I talked to my father again. As you have advised me all along."

Matthew nodded slightly.

“And he said I shouldn't even try to put myself in this Omega category. Because I'm not one. And that ... He meant something like that you're with me because I am easy to get?" Chan touched his forehead. “It's completely irrational. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blame you. But the situation right now ... I got paranoia for a moment." He looked guiltily at Matthew.

It broke the older boy's heart. He grabbed Chan by his shoulders. "Chan, you don't have to apologize. I didn't know that." He made a face. "That your father said that is really fucked up."

"I know. He's quite an asshole right now." Chan took a deep breath. "Oh man, that was embarrassing." He laughed out loud.

Matthew forced a weak smile. "No, it was not." He was playing with a silver lock. "If you want, I'll keep my distance from Somin."

"No, how come? I trust your judgment. If you like her, talk to her," Chan replied, "You say I'm not your property. So this counts for you as well."

Matthew would have loved to tell him something like, "This is exactly why I love you", but the words would be extremely misplaced here on the school corridor.

Chan closed his eyes. "It's just that my dad annoys me." He looked at Matthew desperately. "You can cancel the dinner if you want."

Matthew hesitated. Should he? Would that make him a coward? Or was that self-protection? “I think ... that it might help. If he notices that we're serious, then the situation may ease."

"Yeah, maybe," Chan muttered.

"We can do it," Matthew assured, kissing his forehead.

"I hope so."

* * *

"And you're absolutely sure that you're not jealous?" Changbin asked. He crouched in the upper nest and watched Chan edit a few lanes of his track.

Chan turned in his chair while resting his arm on the back of it. “Maybe a little bit. But that's the completely irrational part of me. I know Matt would never cheat on me." He shrugged and turned back to his laptop. “As I said: It's because of my dad. He's bad at wording his thoughts properly."

"Then, I guess, you inherited the writing talent from your mother," Changbin said, eliciting an amused laugh from Chan.

It was unusual that he was sitting in his room like this. After Chan had explained why his room looked like that, Changbin had become familiar with it pretty quickly. In fact, he actually liked it a lot because it made the room so cozy.

“By the way, what do you want to do about your Rolex now? It's really expensive."

“No money in the world is worth it to me to get myself into such trouble. But my father gave me the watch. And I want it back," Chan grumbled, "I'll find a way." He completed the process and saved the file. Then he shut down his laptop and threw himself on Changbin in his nest. "There's something much more important."

"What?"

“The Open Day. It has to be a success. It's one of the few events this year to purify the school's reputation."

Changbin smiled. "You still sound like the head boy. Head boy with heart and soul."

Chan sighed. “No, I think I just want people to stop being treated like shit there. This requires humanity and not a social office. Everyone can adorn themselves with titles." He grinned. “But with good deeds? Jun has no chance."

"That's the attitude I want to see."

Chan was not entirely hopeful. But after having seen Mr. Kim being so desperate, he could not help but do something. At least he should try. “Each class contributes something to the Open Day. So we have to mobilize our forces and work together to achieve something awesome. If we do it wisely, we might convince the lower classes. But everything above us?"

Changbin nodded. “Yep, Junhyeok's appendage. We can forget that."

"Precisely. So we're planning something like undercover campaigns. As far as I know, Junhyeok wants his Alpha group to do everything. And they'll show off by bringing the school back to its 'old good days'. So a dirty, uncivilized boys' school." Chan took a pad and a pen off the desk. “We, on the other hand, can make sure that we show a wide range. It's the best to use the clubs for this too. There's everything for everyone. Ball sports, dancing, boxing, swimming, cooking, sewing ... And it doesn't matter whether you are a boy or a girl. The motto would be something like:  _ One for all, all for everyone. _ But I have to think about it again."

Chan quickly drew a mind map. “We need a coordinator. Someone to work out the concepts, someone to check them out, and so on. And we have to go undetected. Otherwise Junhyeok will kill me." And not only mentally. He was pretty sure the other would not shy away from agitating his Alpha herd on him.

“I think we should ask Seungmin for help. He probably knows how to go undercover in ... well, 'politics'. He's got an A+ in social studies," Changbin said.

"Good point." Chan chewed the end of his pen. “We have about two weeks to get this done. But if we include our whole group, we might be able to do it."

“We will." Changbin put a hand on his shoulder. "Because we're not just nine, you know?"

That, in turn, confused Chan. “What do you mean?"

Changbin smiled. “You don't even notice, do you? Chan, just because you're not the head boy doesn't mean there aren't any more people to support you. Most of the school council are still on your side. There are so many students who are grateful for your opinion on Junhyeok. You may not see these groups, but there are people who believe in you."

The thought was endearing, but at the same time it made Chan sad. "I ... but I let them down."

Changbin looked at him sympathetically. "I understand that you feel that way." He was silent for a moment. “Do you want to tell me why exactly you resigned? That you are an Omega isn't the only reason, is it?"

Chan hesitated before breathing shakily. He felt so safe with Changbin between the blankets and pillows. And how the other spoke to him and treated him ... It let him feel free. "Jun gave me an ultimatum," he said, "either I'll go out with him and keep my position or I'll resign."

Changbin sighed loudly and touched his forehead. “Crap. What a bastard."

"And somehow he dragged Matt into it and ... I was so upset, but I didn't want to hurt anyone."  _ Especially not me. _ "So I thought it was a good time to take a step back."

Changbin nodded. “I can understand that. I'm just glad you haven't given up yet."

Chan chewed his lower lip. "I think that's because _ you _ haven't given up on me yet." He smiled. "You still treat me like part of the school council."

“Because you are a part of it. Maybe not officially. But you left something with us. We all know that you belong there,” Changbin explained.

“Thank you."

The next moment there was a knock. Chan's mother entered the room. "Hello, Changbin. It's nice that you're visiting us again,” she greeted him, “I'll be cooking lunch right away.” She looked at her watch. “Well, it's more like an afternoon … meal? Do you still want something?"

"Sure," they replied in unison.

“Great. Chan, please take care of Lucas while I'm in the kitchen."

So the two of them went into the living room, where they played with the children.

"And your dad works as usual?" Changbin asked.

“24/7. He breathes for his work,” Chan replied, “He's currently working on some hotel or something. I doubt he still sleeps properly.” He galloped a horse across the table while Hannah did her doll's hair, braiding considerable works of art.

"Reminds me of someone," Changbin teased.

“Oh, I just remembered that I haven't picked up the mail yet,” Chan's mother called from the kitchen, “Hannah,  _ sweetheart, can you get it for me? _ ”

“Yes!" The girl got up and stormed outside to the mailbox.

Chan lifted Lucas on his arm and crouched down on the couch next to Changbin. The little boy started playing with the blocks Chan handed him shortly afterwards. "How’s it looking with Felix?" he questioned.

"He doesn't seem to be angry anymore," Changbin answered, "I apologized to him. And now it's okay."

"And you didn't tell him anything else?" Chan asked curiously.

"What else should I have told him?"

Chan then formed a kissing mouth and made smooch noises.

Changbin rolled his eyes and kicked his shin lightly. "I said I wasn’t interested in him."

Before Chan could reply, his mother called him: "Chan, come here, please."

A little confused, he got up and went into the kitchen.

His mother was holding a letter. "This is a letter of complaint from the school about wrongdoing on your part."

“What?!" Chan took the letter.

Indeed. A letter of complaint informing that he had allegedly broken several rules. "Provoking fights, preventing work at the school, hate speeches ..." He shook his head.

"They must be kidding," Changbin huffed, "you did nothing, you defended yourself."

Chan looked at the note in disbelief.

“If something like that happens again, it’s on your school report,” Chan's mother said and shook her head, “Honey, I know it’s not easy for you right now. But …"

“But what? You don't really believe this stuff, do you?” Chan asked.

"I ... I just want you to pay attention."

Chan gritted his teeth. “Wow, great. You always act like you support me. But you're on dad's side, aren't you?" He pushed Lucas into her arms and grabbed Changbin’s wrist to pull him out of the kitchen.

“Chan, I- "

He slammed the door behind him and took a deep breath. "I think it's better if you go."

Changbin nodded silently, put on his shoes, and took the jacket off its hook. "Call me if you need something."

“I will."

Changbin hugged him and left the house. 

Chan took a deep breath and went back into the kitchen. The conversation was not quite finished yet. 

He took the letter and held it under his mother's nose. “Look at that. Do you really think that I would do that kind of thing?! I spoke to the caretaker because he’s being treated unfairly thanks to the current head boy. I didn't attack anyone for no reason, I discussed fairly." Well, with some swearing, but who could stay completely calm in such a situation?

“Chan, I know you have no evil intentions. But your hormones are ... out of control. I saw you stopped taking your antidepressants,” his mother muttered.

"Are you sniffing around my room again?!"

“I cleared your bag from the holidays and saw that all the packages are closed. I don't sniff around and you know that too."

Chan held his head. “And now? Do you think that I need medication or else I’ll go crazy?!"

“I didn’t say that."

"Oh, but you say that I bully other students."

His mother was silent and stared at the wall next to him.

Chan was about to explode. It was unbelievable. How could his mother stand against him? He could understand that she was shocked by the letter, but it was unfair of her to treat him like that. She did know him. She should guess that no matter how shitty things were, Chan would never attack innocent students.

"You said that you resigned as head boy," she said slowly, "but you would tell me if you were actually fired, wouldn't you?"

He looked at her in complete disbelief. No.

No.

No, no, no.

He closed his eyes and felt the tears sting in them as he clenched his hands into fists. “You cannot be serious. Why should I lie?”

"I think the question isn’t valid if no one other than Jinseok and Changbin know what your status is."

And now she was playing that card.

What was just happening here? Why did everything get out of hand? Had Chan gone so crazy that his mother had to be that suspicious?

“It doesn't matter if things don't go as they did before at school. You've always been great, but I want you to know that it's okay to make mistakes. You can talk to me about it."

No. Chan could not talk with her about it. "You don't see anything of my life except here in this house."

“What I see shows me that you’re mentally unstable. I’ll send you to the therapist starting this week and I want you to take your medication again and take care of yourself. I beg you." His mother shook her head slightly. "I don't want you to hurt yourself and other people."

"I thought you were on my side."

“I  _ am  _ on your side. I just want you to be fine.”

Chan hissed. “Then you're not doing a very good job. I'm not crazy! The people around me are! It is not my fault what I am!"

“I know that. But we have to deal with it responsibly." His mother's voice broke away. “Please calm down."

“But I don't want to calm down! You think I hurt others! Why?! The people at this shitty school are important to me!"

"Chan, it's just ... The way you act is difficult," his mother replied in frustration, while she raised her voice.

The first tears ran down Chan’s cheeks. "Okay, I'm sorry! I’m sorry that I exist and that I’m so difficult!" He didn't know if he was overreacting, but he could not stand here anymore. He ran upstairs from the kitchen and locked himself in the bathroom after taking the spare key inside.

He ran water into the tub and cried into it at the same time, while resting his forearms on the edge.

Shortly afterwards he heard a knock and convulsed. Suddenly he felt so surrounded, constricted. He just wanted to be far away and alone.

"Chan, open up."

"No, go away!" He was breathing heavily and buried his face in his hands as he sobbed. It seemed like he was out of breath. Even from the other side of the door, his complaints sounded heartbreaking.

"Chan, turn off the tap immediately!"

“Go!” Chan yelled so loudly that it almost tore his throat open. He opened the cupboard and looked for razor blades. Actually he was only used to his scissors, but another remedy was needed.

He undressed and pressed the sharp edges against the now almost healed cuts. Ripped open old wounds until he felt the familiar burning sensation. He was relieved to see and to feel the pain which kept him from losing his mind.

“Chan! I'll break the door open."

“No! Don't do that!” He shouted desperately, “I want to be alone! ”

“Chan!"

Chan's cheeks were so wet that he could not sense his own face anymore. Almost apathetically he stared at the fresh wounds he had inflicted on himself. And even if the sensation gave him relief, he knew he would regret it later. He would regret it so much.

He turned off the tap and sat in the tub. It turned bright red around him and he did not know how bad it was for him to sit with his wounds in the hot water. But he could hope to dive into a new world again if he were here.

“I'm breaking open the door. I'm really doing it!” his mother shouted, pounding on the door.

Chan shook his head and cried louder. He had not even known he could make those sounds. He looked at the surface of the water and watched how the blood pulled its strings, threw almost beautiful vortices and enveloped him as if it wanted to pull him into a soothing embrace.

The tear which fell into the water caused circular traces. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He tried to ignore his mother.

_ I'm sorry, Hannah _ .

Finally he muffled the knocking and shouting by sinking into the blue. 


	41. "Dad? What are you doing here?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> The beginning of this chapter shows the aftermath of heavy self-harm. Watch out for that, and in case you are sensitive about that due to own experiences or because you feel uncomfortable with that in general, make sure to stay safe. 
> 
> You can either skip that part (since it is not that important anyways) or you stay with another person.
> 
> Stay safe.

“I'll prescribe an ointment for you. You can apply it every evening." The doctor handed Chan the prescription paper. “If it gets worse, give me a call. After all, we don't want any infections."

Chan took the paper and stared at it. "Thank you," he managed to say. He looked at his legs, which were wrapped in bandages.

“Change the bandages every few days. You lost quite a lot of blood. But the injury should at least begin to heal fairly quickly. You were lucky that nothing had to be stitched."

Chan just nodded and stood up a little shakily. He appeared uncertain, as if he were still in another world. Not quite here yet. In a transcendent state. Floating somewhere between illusions and reality.

"Do you have a therapist?" the doctor asked carefully.

"I don't want to answer that," Chan replied, "May I go now?"

The doctor sighed but nodded.

Chan left the room.

After his mother had actually broken open the door, she immediately had called the hospital. Even an ambulance had been sent, which thank God only the whole neighborhood had noticed.

Chan had ended up in the emergency department due to some deep cuts, but it was not as if he could have died from those wounds. The picture of him in the blood-red bathtub had simply triggered his mother's panic reaction.

He went to the front desk and left his cell phone number to be available. He took his insurance card and then headed for the waiting room.

As far as he knew, only his mother had seen him that way. Hannah had stayed in the living room. Luckily.

He stepped into the waiting room and discovered his mother with Hannah and Lucas. But they were not the only ones present.

Then he frowned and looked at his father, who was looking up from the newspaper he was holding in his hand. Before anyone could say anything, Chan turned around and walked away. 

"Chan!" his mother shouted.

Chan left the hospital. Where should he go? No idea. But he did not want to be here. Right now he hated everything. He felt helpless.

Shortly afterwards he was held by the shoulder.

"You can't ignore your mother."

Chan looked at his father. Slowly he pushed his hand down. "Don't touch me," he said, surprisingly calm.

"Hey, don't be like this," his counterpart replied with a stern expression, "We're just worried about you."

"Great. Do you expect a reward for that?" Chan leaned against the car. “Can we go home? I'm tired." Fuck the ointment. He could go to the pharmacy tomorrow too.

"Ordering around is not how you behave, young man."

Chan knew that. But he really just wanted to sleep. It was getting late. And he was still dizzy. As if he had experienced a huge blood donation (which was not even that far away from reality.)

"Doowon, let him be," his mother interfered, "you can talk with him tomorrow."

Chan did not even look at him; he just stared at the floor.

So they drove home in silence.

After having arrived, Chan went to his room and buried himself in his nest, hoping that nobody would annoy him anymore.

What a shit day.

Just before that incident everything had seemed just fine and under control. And then, boom. A few minutes later everything had gotten out of hand.

He felt betrayed. Everyone said they were worried. Still, nobody asked what was wrong. Instead, they made some guesswork. And if Chan disagreed, he was not taken seriously. Because it was "puberty" and all those "hormones".

Chan wanted everyone to be far away from him. Except maybe Changbin. Or Matthew. Having Matthew with him right now would be great.

A knock.

Annoyed, he groaned into his pillow. He did not even have to answer because the door was already opening.

"Are you hungry?"

"No,” Chan grumbled into the fabric and curled up, "Please just leave me alone."

"Chan."

"Go."

He did not want to be so cold. He really did not want to. But he did not know what else to do.

"Do you want anything else?"

Chan paused. He sat up slowly. "Can Matt come over?"

"You mean now?"

He nodded. "He can stay the night," he suggested, "Then he'll just take his school supplies with him." Matthew certainly would do that. 

His mother hesitated. "Okay, I'll call his parents."

"Thanks."

Chan fell back on the pillows and stared out of the window. It was quite dark and he was infinitely exhausted, but his mind was so busy with all these thoughts that he could not calm down.

Since he could not endure just lying here, he decided to get something to drink. His throat was pretty dry anyway because he had not thought about his simple needs for hours due to the excitement.

He walked slowly down the stairs, feeling the pain with every step. He grimaced at every burning sensation. He went down one step at a time, but paused when he heard excited voices from the kitchen.

"This boy won't come into my house!"

“Chan asked me. If it helps him ... "

“Ahri, I don't care what he says. He has no idea what's good for him."

Chan sat on the steps and held onto the banister as he listened to the discussion.

"It’s Jinseok's fault that this happened!"

"How’s that supposed to be his fault?"

“I know about these stories. Alphas like him put their partners under so much pressure that they break mentally."

Chan wrapped his arms around his legs and stared at his knees. His head felt completely empty.

“Jinseok’s a nice boy. You just don't know him well enough, because you have to work all the time."

“But I know what's best for Chan, even if he doesn't like it. The fact that he’s an Omega messes everything up. This just makes him a target. No wonder he got worse in school."

"His grades are still as good as they were before."

“But I saw the letter. Wrongdoing? That doesn't look like Chan. The reason must be bad influence. How long do you think the two have been together, hiding their relationship?"

“I don't know. But that doesn't matter. The two have known each other since kindergarten."

Chan began to bob back and forth slightly. He did not even have the strength to cry. So he let the conversation go on without responding.

The only thing he noticed was his glass heart. And it was just about to be thrown to the ground.

“People change. I don't trust this boy. Chan isn’t like the others. He doesn't have to do this Omega stuff. He has the spirit of an Alpha."

"I don't know ... He seems to accept his status slowly.”

“Yes, because he's brainwashed! I don't want this boy in my house. You can also cancel dinner."

Chan had heard enough. He got up and went back to his room.

When his mother came back in, he was sitting at his laptop working on "42". There were only small things which needed to be fixed. Not too demanding.

“Chan, I'm sorry. But Jinseok's parents don't want him to be out that late."

She was even lying to him.

Chan considered confronting her for a moment, but he was too exhausted. So he just nodded and stared at his screen.

His mother took a step forward.

"Don't," Chan said immediately, "I wouldn't come in." It was not a threat, it was a tip. A well meant tip. 

She looked at him with watery eyes, but nodded. "Good night, Chan."

Chan did not answer. He just noticed how the door slam shut.

Silence.

* * *

Chan did not go to school the next day. He had not slept enough anyway. So he stayed in his room, pondering over his life, writing on his songs or watching music videos.

His mother asked if he was coming with her to take Berry for a walk. But he did not even feel like doing that. He knew it was not good to stay here all the time, but he did not have the strength to get up either.

His mother had called the secretariat to excuse him for the day, but his friends sent him text messages anyway. He did not answer either. He only took Changbin's call. After all, he had witnessed the situation. He assured him that he was doing reasonably well, but that he needed a break.

Chan could not even imagine going back to school tomorrow. It appeared so distant, surreal. As if he could hardly believe that life would punish him this way and that _it just did not want to stop time for fuck’s sake._

What should he do in school now? Junhyeok had pretty much won. There was no longer any reason to fight back.

Chan looked thoughtfully at his cell phone and examined the chats listed above. Then he realized that everyone but Matthew had messaged him. Did it bother him? Perhaps. Actually, he did not want any contact, but now he felt even worse.

He hesitated, but ended up calling Matthew.

“Hello?"

"Matt, hey."

“Chan!" He seemed happy to receive the call. Good. That was good. “How are you? The teachers said you were sick."

“It’s a headache. Should be gone tomorrow."

"My poor little flower." Even through the phone, Chan could tell by Matthew's voice that he was smiling. "Is everything okay with you?"

"Yes, I wanted ... I mean ..." Chan paused. “I miss you."

“That's cute. I'm also looking forward to seeing you again. "

Chan smiled weakly. "What are you doing now?" he asked.

“I’m helping my mother out. But I'm going to meet Somin and someone else ... Man, I forgot her name again. Anyways, the two wanted to go into town because Somin doesn't know the streets very well."

“Ah, nice. You must be pretty busy."

"Never busy enough not to listen to you."

Oh, Matthew. He always knew what to say to feed Chan's ego. It felt good, even if Chan wished the other person had called on his own initiative. But he was probably too focused on his own life. He could not blame him for that. After all, Matthew was not his babysitter.

“By the way, my parents are gone this weekend. Short trip because they work too much. I'm supposed to take care of the house. You can come to me if you want to."

Chan smiled at the offer and his heart pounded faster. Ah. There was his indescribable crush on the other. Something which made him feel like a normal teenager despite this chaos in his life. "Yes, I'll ask my mother."

“Cool. I have to hang up now. If you want, I'll call you back tonight."

"It's okay, you don't have to. Enjoy your free time."

“Alright. Take care."

It felt unfamiliar that Matthew met in private with anyone except Minho. He got along with many students, but few got close enough to him. He and Somin had not known each other very long too.

Maybe it was something like the bond between Changbin and Chan. For both of them it had clicked immediately. That just happened with some encounters. Chan should be happy for him.

He listened when someone came up the stairs. A few minutes later he heard a cordless screwdriver. Then he pressed the handle, peeked out of the room and saw his father, who was about to dismantle the bathroom door.

How long had he been here? Actually, it was too early for him to be finished with work.

“Dad? What are you doing here?"

His father paused. "Chan." He looked back and forth between him and the door. "I'm going to take this thing out. For reasons of safety."

Chan raised his eyebrows. "Reasons of safety," he repeated slowly.

“Your mother and I discussed it. Don't worry."

“Oh, have you discussed it with Hannah too? Or maybe with me?” Chan asked sarcastically.

His father sighed loudly. "I don't have time for this conversation."

"You never have time."

Silence.

"You have no idea what's going on in my life," Chan grumbled.

"Then explain it to me," his father replied as calmly as possible.

Chan shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand. You don't even want to understand." At first he wanted to go back to his own room, but decided against it. Instead, he turned to Hannah's door and knocked.

His little sister opened it and frowned at him.

"Hannah, Dad just wants to take out the bathroom door," he explained and pointed to the scenario.

Hannah looked at her father and cocked her head.

“Come on, Hannah,” the father said, “You ... saw what happened. It's better for all of us in that way."

Chan's heart sank when Hannah's big, sad eyes looked at him. Could he still trust anyone in his family?

The little girl sighed loudly. “I don’t like it."

"What?" both asked at the same time.

“I don’t like it. Mom always said the bathroom was private. That's why I should always knock when we’re at others’ houses." She crossed her arms.

"I talked to Mom about it," the father assured.

"Or you forced her," Hannah replied, "I agree with Chan. It's stupid what you're doing." After having said that she went back to her room.

Chan should have felt some kind of triumph. But actually he was just feeling proud. Hannah had a mind of her own and maybe he could still rely on his angel after all. His guardian angel. She had been able to help him with their conversations so far more than his parents.

"You’re still children," the father mumbled, "You have no idea how bad it can end for people like you."

"People like me?" Chan repeated and grimaced.

“People who are in the wrong body. You have the nature of an Alpha. I know that you have it."

Chan hissed. "Maybe I'm not in the wrong body, but in the wrong family!" He then slammed the door (childish) and kicked the wood (even more childish). Then he stomped with his foot (Welcome to kindergarten). As far as he knew, there was at least no spare key for his room. One would have to kick the door down.

Wrong family.

If he was wrong here, why should he not just leave?

* * *

The cuts still hurt a lot, but Chan wanted to go back to school. After all, it was Thursday, so physical education was on the agenda. And today they should deliver their practical grades for gymnastics and dancing. Chan did not want to wait any longer. In the end he had not gotten any specific shoes for his ballet choreography. In the end, he just wanted to have an acceptable grade and did not intend to shoot straight into the A range.

Chan had no morning classes with Minho or Matthew. During the long breaks he was once in the library and once in the office to have his absence form signed.

The lunch break, however, brought everyone in the group together. At least almost all of them.

"Where's Matt?" Chan asked while he crouched down with his tray.

"Hello to you too," Seungmin said sarcastically, "We were worried."

“Right, sorry,” Chan mumbled, “I think I have migraine. But I’ll try to sleep more." He got away with that answer.

Seungmin nodded. “Alright. I didn’t want to blame you. Take as much time off as you need."

Minho poked at his food listlessly.

"Do you know where Matt is?" Chan asked.

Minho hissed. “Oh, are you talking about this tall guy with tanned skin and an undercut? Yeah, no. Absolutely no idea."

Chan looked irritated at the rest.

"Matt’s with this girl,” Jeongin explained, "I forgot her name."

Minho slammed the cutlery on the table. “Somin. So-min." He snorted. “He was already sitting next to her in physics. In fucking physics. This is _our_ advanced course." The jealousy oozed from every pore - it almost scared Chan.

"Oh, um ..." he uttered a bit helplessly, "I think he likes her. And she’s the new one. So it probably helps that he spends time with her?”

“Yeah, but she sits on _my_ fucking perch. I’m gone for a day and I get instantly replaced." Minho sank back in frustration. “He's not even here! And we always have lunch together."

“Calm down,” Chan pacified him, “Nobody gets replaced. If it's a problem that he doesn't eat with us, I'll talk to him." He looked around the canteen. Matthew was normally easy to spot because of his height, but Chan could still not discover him.

"In the schoolyard," Minho mumbled with a growl.

Chan nodded. “Got it. Wait here, I'll be right back."

So he left the cafeteria and headed for the door to the back schoolyard. That Matthew seemed to like Somin had been pretty obvious, but had it come that far already? That really surprised Chan. It was rare that it sparked that way for Matthew when it came to friendships. Usually one had to build it up with him over a long period of time.

He spotted him on one of the long benches near the garden of roses. There he was not only with Somin, but also another girl and a boy.

The two scrambled over some juice pack.

“No, Tae! That’s mine!"

“Who says that? I bought it."

"With _my_ money."

Matthew laughed and something about it sounded so ... free. Chan had not heard him laugh that openly often.

Normally he had absolutely no problem approaching people, but this made him uncomfortable. Reluctantly he stepped closer and looked for suitable words. But it did not matter in the end, because Matthew had already spotted him.

"Oh, you're back!" he said happily and waved to him.

Chan came closer and immediately felt how Matthew put a hand on his back to hold him close. So Chan had to restrain himself by putting his hands on his shoulders, practically falling into his lap. "Yes, I’m ... feeling better."

“That’s good.”

The boy and the girl paused.

"Oh, the ex representative," the boy stated.

Ouch.

"Ah, sorry," Matthew said, "This is Taehyung and that ..." He pointed to the girl who had meanwhile taken the juice pack. “... is Jiwoo. " With a nod he pointed into the direction of Somin. “And yeah, Somin. You know her more or less."

Chan nodded to everyone. “Nice to meet you. I’m Chan."

The greeting was returned with everyone talking in between.

"He's my partner," Matthew explained.

The other three looked at each other.

“Partner as in … good companion. We've known each other since kindergarten,” Chan said quickly, earning an amused look from Matthew. He poked his neck, although he had to suppress a grin himself.

Why did Matthew always have to be so risky?

"Don't you want to sit with us?" Somin asked and smiled.

_Shit, she’s friendly as fuck._

"Um, I ... just wanted to say hello to Matt and ..." Why could he not find the right words? "Minho asked about you," he whispered.

Matthew looked at him in surprise. "Oh, what did he want?"

“We’re missing you at our table. You haven’t said anything."

"Ahhh, oh. Yes, I'm sorry." Matthew looked at him, embarrassed. "I didn’t think our little sessions there were compulsory."

Was he just kidding on Chan? They had been spending lunch breaks together at 1:05 p.m. in the canteen every school day for several years. Okay, but no reason to be mad. Matthew was just the very chill type. 

“Oh yeah. Absolutely not necessary,” Chan said slowly, taking Matthew's hand off his hip.

His counterpart then looked at him confused.

"I'll go again then."

Matthew seemed torn now.

"If they miss you, you should go with him, BM," Taehyung insisted, "No sweat.”

Chan raised both eyebrows. “B ... M?"

"Big Matthew," Jiwoo explained. She grinned. “We thought that was fitting given his above-average height and his muscles. Matthew’s too long."

Wow. Less than two days and he already had a new nickname. All of this confused Chan incredibly. What was happening? Why did Matthew seem so harmonious with these people he hardly knew himself? So far they had shared the circle of friends, but this was new, dangerous terrain.

Matthew shrugged. "Okay. Sorry guys, I have to go." He stood up.

Chan raised his hand. "No, wait," he mumbled, "stay here." He realized very well that Matthew wanted to stay with this group. And even if he was not quite comfortable, he did not want to drag the other person with him against his will. “I'm going in. See you later in P.E."

He wanted to turn around when Matthew stopped him: _“Chris, wait.”_

"No, it's okay," Chan reassured, "You’re needed here more urgently, _BM_."

Matthew gave him a "don't play with those cards" look, but Chan ignored it and went back into the school building.

"Is he mad?" Somin asked worriedly.

"Difficult to say," Matthew replied, "But even if he was, he'd calm down."


	42. “It's not stupid. You both have your reasons ... I guess."

“I didn't mean to drag Matt away. He seems comfortable with Somin,” Chan explained as he was stretching. He and Minho had started earlier because he had not been able to get much more food into his system anyway. It was also better to speak to Minho privately.

In hindsight, Chan was not even really mad at Matthew. Why should he be?

The older one had all the freedom to find new friends as long as he did not neglect the others. Chan was with other students at times too (although it was not on such a close base).

At the same time he could understand that Minho was disappointed. If Changbin did this, Chan would have had other thoughts too. But he was with Matthew. How much more could he claim him?

"I noticed that too," Minho grumbled and looked over to Mrs. Jo, who was just lowering the rings. He sighed softly and shook his head slightly. “He didn't even want to come over to gamble. Usually he never says no."

Because Matthew could not afford a console himself. That was obvious. But also, of course, because he and Minho were always together. Not like best friends. But like close allies. Matthew took care of Minho and vice versa. They shared quite a lot of experiences with each other. You did not always need the title “best friends” for that.

Chan suddenly thought of the conversation he had held with Matthew in the pool. The other had said that he had never discussed producing with him because their styles were fundamentally different. Perhaps that was already a sign that Matthew did not fit 100 percent into the group.

Obviously he liked the rest of Stray Kids. But to be honest, he had never gotten rid of the status “kindergarten friend”. He took good care of the younger ones, but because Chan and Minho functioned as a bridge. He had never been able to take the opportunity to make new friends before.

“Minho, don't take this personally. Just because he's looking for other people doesn't mean he's replacing us. You can have several groups of friends. For example Seungmin, Jeongin and Jisung have us, but also the baseball team." 

Minho looked at him a little sadly. One could tell that he agreed with Chan, but he still was not really happy about the changes.

"There he is," Chan announced, "I'll go and apologize to him." The decision was a spontaneous one, but he felt he had to apologize. He had reacted fairly defensively and it was probably anything but a good first impression in front of Matthew's new friends.

He jogged towards the other and grabbed his arm. "Matt."

He looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“I… I'm sorry,” Chan said in an honest tone, looking up at him, “I didn't mean to be shady to your friends. I was just overwhelmed."

"Yes, it's probably strange that I don't follow your rules all the time."

Chan let go. “What?" He looked at him confused.

“You know,” Matthew began, “I never asked to be in your group. We became friends back then because you were the only one who was nice to me. That's why I was tied to you. And now that I find people I feel comfortable with, everyone treats me like a cheater."

Chan shook his head slightly. He hoped the other person did not mean it. "Wait a minute, does that mean it could have been anyone?"

“What?"

"You say that I was the only one back then who was nice to you. So were you friends with me because you wanted to or because you had no other choice?" His eyes formed to slits.

Matthew realized the problem, so he immediately looked a little more remorseful. It was obvious that the words had just stumbled clumsily out of his mouth.

“Listen, I wanted to apologize for indirectly stopping you from looking for new friends,” Chan said as calmly as possible, “But blaming me for ending up in Stray Kids like it was something bad …” He shook his head again because he could not believe it. “Matt, the boys love you. How can you say such mean things about them?"

Now Matthew had no idea what to say. "I ... that ..." He slumped his shoulders. “I didn’t mean it."

As if someone had slapped him across the face, Chan bowed his head. "Then talk to me again if you know what you mean." He left him and went over to Minho.

He did not have to explain anything, because Mrs. Jo whistled so that everyone could come together.

Chan felt his upcoming sickness. His first argument with Matthew in this relationship. He would have liked it to be something trivial and not something that big. Now other topics had also stumbled into the dispute. He had not meant to let it get to the point where they were digging in the past. Why did Matthew even bring this up?

Maybe it had bothered him long enough and now he could not keep his mouth shut.

Chan concentrated on making good use of the next lesson to repeat his routines. He practiced silently as he watched Matthew hang around with other students. Even if he was not close friends with them, he could join them anywhere and start a conversation. Then why had it taken so long for him to find a new group? Was Somin something like his fate?

Chan closed his eyes. He should not worry too much about it. After all, he had no idea what was going on inside of Matthew’s head. Had Chan overreacted after all?

“Okay, I'll check out the gymnastics group, then the dancers. After that switch sides, please."

In the end, Chan had chosen to do gymnastics on the rings because he had a lot of strength in his arms. He almost slipped once during its demonstration, but at least all turns had been clean.

Then he watched Minho doing the floor exercises. He was quite agile and astonishingly acrobatic, so his routine looked decent. As soon as he finished, he and Chan took a break.

“So? Did you apologize to Matt?” Minho asked.

"Yeah, but ... it didn't go that well," mumbled Chan, "I don't want to talk about it."

Minho accepted that, so they went back into the hall.

Chan was distracted the whole time by watching Matthew.

Matthew, on the other hand, seemed to avoid him, at least he did not look back a single time. And if he did, then always in the moments when Chan was not paying attention.

Some students were done with all of the evaluations and were sitting on the sidelines of the hall, waiting for the lesson to finally pass.

Minho had choreographed something in the direction of modern dance and got - as expected - an A. Even if he was not completely familiar with this type of dance, he had always been quite flexible and versatile (plus his dance teacher was trained in different directions, so he had probably asked him for a few tips).

“Chan? Are you going to do your dance grade this week or next week?” Mrs. Jo asked, “I heard that you were reported sick yesterday. We can take it slow."

"I want to do it now," he replied and took off his shoes before putting them aside. Then he went over to the jukebox and connected his phone via bluetooth. He handed the device over to Minho so that he could press play on his sign.

“So? What exactly have you planned?"

"I'm dancing a variation of ..." He hesitated. “The ugly Duckling." He vaguely remembered dancing it as a child. In the end, he had to embellish the dance with the necessary elements, which had been quite challenging (after all, he was not a choreographer). "It’s the part where the duckling realizes that it’s ... a swan?"

He heard giggles from the back row (of course coming from the boys). Somehow he felt a little out of place, the way he was standing here in the hall in his oversize jacket and sweatpants.

“Can you at least take off your jacket? Otherwise I don't see the execution."

Chan complied with the request and took the third position before nodding in Minho's direction.

Soft bells rang through the hall and Chan took a deep breath to ignore the looks. For him, dancing was initially only based on routine, but he tried to put as much emotion into it as possible so he did not look like a robot. His feet slid across the floor and followed the steps he had memorized.

At a certain point, it was actually fun. He let the music carry him. If it worked while rapping and singing, why not dancing too? Gradually he almost did not care about the outside world and he actually felt like the ugly duckling who realized bit by bit that it was not a duckling at all.

At home he had mainly practiced the choreography in the garden as there was not enough space in his own room. Even if the months were getting colder, he had caught the warm days every now and then.

Just then he had taken off his shoes and walked barefoot across the soft, cool grass. His face comfortingly caressed by the sun and the leaves rustling very gently, complementing the music almost perfectly.

That was what he imagined when he decided to block out the others in the hall. He wanted a peaceful place where such a thing as stage fright and nervousness could not exist. Thinking outside the box. Perhaps that would help him to completely renounce the judgments of the others.

In his mind he created a place which had an atmosphere similar to Matthew's favourite places.

He finished his choreography by slowly lying down - as if the swan was folding its wings, finally finding peace.

It was suspiciously quiet in the hall until a few girls started clapping and whistling. If Chan looked closely, he saw that a few guys were cheering too (they were only more subtle).

"Do you want your grade now?" Mrs. Jo asked.

Chan shrugged. "Yeah, why not?" Actually it did not matter.

"May I say it out loud?"

He nodded.

She smiled at that and put down the clipboard. ,,A+"

The girls cheered again and this time Chan saw Matthew shaking his head. But the older one was grinning and clapping as well.

Chan did not quite understand. He was not a trained dancer. In general, the choreography was simple and had the necessary elements.

So he went to Mrs. Jo after class. "Excuse me, can we talk?"

His gym teacher made a note of something before looking at him. She smiled. “You want to talk?" She raised her eyebrow. "You don't want to complain about your grade, do you?" she questioned teasingly.

"Well, somehow?" Chan scratched his head. "I wanted to ask why I got such a good grade." He hesitated. "Better ... than Minho’s."

Mrs. Jo suppressed a laugh. “Yes, Minho’s a great dancer. His technique is almost perfect."

Chan nodded. "So why did you give me the better grade?"

She sat down and crossed her legs. “Dancing isn’t just a sport. It's art. I want to see more than the steps." She looked at him a little more seriously. “What you danced was … special. You met all of the criteria to get a B or a B+. But the emotions which you showed … That was a story, not a dance." She looked over at Minho, who was carrying equipment. “Minho has the talent and the practice. But one thing’s missing."

"And what?" Chan asked.

Mrs. Jo turned her eyes back to him. “Experience."

Chan frowned. “I'm 17."

"Some people experience more in three months than others in 30 years." She looked at him thoughtfully. "I already told you that you shouldn’t see everything in black and white."

Chan nodded, even though he was not sure why his teacher was making those speeches. But well, some teachers just wanted to transfer their authoritarian role to the private life of the students (which ideally they did not even really know anything about).

He met Minho outside. Matthew was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, the way you danced was really great," said Minho, "I should learn something from you."

"You sure?" Chan mumbled and looked at him uncertainly. After all, dancing was actually Minho's specialty. It was part of himself - like breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping.

Minho nodded. “I know exactly what Mrs. Jo told you. She said once before that I look a little cold when I dance. My dance teacher’s already spoken to me about it too." He lifted his shoulder. "But sometimes it’s difficult to let your emotions run free and to deal with them openly."

Chan smiled a bit bitterly. "I know what you mean."

* * *

“He said that? No way."

Chan sighed and threw himself on the sofa next to Changbin. “He did, man." He buried his face in his hands. “I never thought I'd argue with him about something like that. It's so stupid."

Changbin clicked his tongue. “It's not stupid. You both have your reasons ... I guess."

No one was at Chan's house right now. His mom was out shopping with Lucas and Hannah (yes, her multitasking skills allowed that) and his dad was in the office.

Chan laid his head on Changbin's shoulder. Meanwhile, Berry was running through the living room before sitting on his lap, hoping to be petted. "I just don't understand exactly what he meant by following my rules," he muttered, "Am I that bossy?" He looked at his best friend desperately.

Changbin hesitated. “At least you're bossier than most of the Omegas. I think, to be honest, that there hasn't been a single Omega who acts that way. Usually they always try to please their Alpha."

“He is human, I am human. Equal rights,” Chan grumbled and crossed his arms, “Besides, I don't know what’s wrong with him and this whole past thing. At that time he was alone, could hardly speak Korean and we made friends. But before that I defended him. Not everyone would have done that."

“I know."

"And then he pretends I could have been anyone else?" Chan sighed in frustration. “But then making me believe that he’s madly in love with me. What an idiot."

"I'm sure he wanted to say something completely different," said Changbin in an honest tone.

Probably. Sometimes in arguments you would say very, very,  _ very  _ stupid things. But Chan found Matthew's action not only stupid, but simply unfair.

"Somin’s probably a better Omega anyway."

"Chan, don't say that."

"She suppresses her pheromones pretty well, but she smells good," said Chan, "As far as I know, Omegas are also more sensitive to each other."

Changbin looked at him in surprise. "Because of competition?"

Chan shook his head slightly. “I think it's more the sensitive disposition. Omegas are more sensitive in … well, pretty much everything." He grimaced. "Oh man, actually Matt suggested that I stay with him over the weekend, but after that argument ..."

"Nah, I think that would be a good opportunity to sort things out," argued Changbin, "try to address it again. If he realizes that you aren’t interested in winning this discussion, he’ll be ready to compromise."

Chan processed what he had heard. “Sounds good." He grinned at Changbin. "You are a good mediator."

"When you grow up in the midst of Seungmin’s and Jisung's feuds, it's no wonder," said Changbin with a smile.

Berry barked as if she wanted to agree with him.

"By the way, do you already have a plan for the action against Junhyeok?" Changbin asked, "I mean, I understand that you want to stop it after what happened … with your mother."

Chan was just glad that Changbin only knew half the story. The fact that he had ended up in the hospital seemed so distant again, although he could still clearly feel the cuts on his thighs.

"What else have I got to lose?" Chan replied, "Besides, it's not about me, but about our school and Mr. Kim." He nodded with conviction. Yes, it was all a bad relapse. But he could not give up, even if he had considered it several times. What else should terrify him? His parents had just lost faith in him. His friends had not.

Not yet.

He shook the thought off and tried to concentrate. “We involve the younger ones from the group. Jisung’s pretty good at convincing, so I think that with Felix he can get his year to do something great. We let Seungmin draw up the plans. I thought about creating a common concept across the years so that you can see the cohesion of the school."

"That sounds great," said Changbin, "This will be the best Open Day ever!"

"Well, do you think you can ask Felix?"

Changbin frowned at him. “Why me?"

"Because you can then 'return the favour' for that one incident in Masan." Chan grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. "You know, the kiss was pretty … hot."

A pillow was hit against his arm for this testimony. “Shut the fuck up." Changbin got up, his face all red. “I need to go to the toilet."

"But go down here," said Chan quickly, while he thought of the missing door in the other bathroom, "Upstairs ... the toilet’s broken."

“Okay got it."

Some lies probably never ended.

* * *

The atmosphere in school was always different on Fridays. One would actually think that all the students hurried through the day so that they could get home as quickly as possible. However, the opposite was true.

On this day of the week the students took all the time in the world because the agony of class would soon be over and one had to savour the anticipation.

That at least left Chan enough leeway to find out what people thought of the Open Day. He found out pretty quickly that he was better off with the girls. He wanted to talk to the boys, too, but there was no reason to act hastily.

"Lisa?"

The girl turned around. "Chan," she replied surprised.

"I have a question for you."

The two had only spoken to each other now and then. They had psychology classes together. Additionally, they had worked in a group for several assignments before. So far Chan got along with her.

“Do you already have a program? You know, for the Open Day."

Lalisa slowly shook her head. Somewhat depressed, she looked to the side. "Junhyeok said his people would make a plan."

Chan hissed softly. "What? They're not even on the school board. You have to go through a long process to enter.”

"I don't think they intend to become members either."

Great.

Chan shook his head slightly. "Anyways, it doesn't matter." He looked left and right. "If you don't mind, you can join our project."

"Who do you mean by that?" she asked curiously.

"Me and my boys. We round up people to develop a program for the whole school. So that it doesn't look like crap here when potential students visit us."

Her face lit up. "That sounds good!" She lowered her voice. "But ... what if we get in trouble?"

"I'm responsible for the project." Chan hesitated. "Not leader-wise. I just belong ... to the organization. It works like democracy for us."

"Democracy? Seriously?"

Chan laughed softly. “Call it what you want. In any case, I'm happy to take the consequences. Are you in?"

Lalisa seemed to be thinking and scratched the back of her head. Then she nodded slightly. "Yes, if we get more students as a result."

"I'm sure about that."

She grinned. “Alright. I'll ask my girls. I’m sure we can convince others as well. I'll have a look around my other classmates."

“Cool. Get in touch with me when you're ready. But we shouldn't take too much time."

Her gaze grew serious. "Yes, I know. It's less than two weeks."

Chan nodded and thanked her before moving on. As if fate wanted to help him a bit, he met Hyunjin. He pulled him aside.

"Hyunjin, hey." He grinned.

The other looked at him flustered. "You good?"

“What do you think of the swimming team holding a special performance in our renovated indoor swimming pool? An action-packed club performance."

Hyunjin frowned. "Junhyeok has already spoken to me about it and said that we should hand out flyers here in the auditorium."

Chan gritted his teeth, but he did not let himself be disconcerted. This asshole spoiled their whole school with his compulsory control, but that was nothing new.

“Well, as a non-existent voice out of nowhere, I'm saying that you should get creative. I don't know ... How about announcements in the schoolyard and maybe games that lead directly into the hall to show practically what you have there? I mean, the equipment in the storage wants to see the light of day again."

Hyunjin blinked before gradually starting to grin. "Oh, I think I'll follow the suggestion of this mysterious whisper."

“Great, keep Seungmin up to date. He helps with organizing."

Next he approached the bunny-girl (and yes, he still did not know her name). "Hey."

She looked at him in surprise before smiling. "Hi! Do you need something?"

Chan came closer and lowered his voice. “I need help with the Open Day. Do you think you can find a group that can sell some drinks?"

She looked at him in amazement. "But I thought Junhyeok ..."

"He's probably not making any headway with the planning." Chan winked at her.

"Oh." She smiled. "Yeah, if that's the case, then I’ll ask for help. Will you give me your number?"

After having given her the cell phone number, he went over to Soori, who was with the other people from the martial arts group. 

"Hey, Soori."

"What do you want, Chan?" he asked annoyed.

"No stress," soothed Chan and raised his hands, "I just wanted to ask you something." He was looked at suspiciously.

"Well, what's up?"

Chan looked around a little paranoid. "I wanted to ask if you already have something planned for the Open Day."

Soori folded his arms. “No. Junhyeok said all the clubs should wait for the plans. We don't have one yet."

"Okay, but I have a plan for you guys: Be creative."

This in turn caused confusion in the group.

"Do you want to command us now?"

Chan shook his head. “No, that's not an order. That’s an offer." He stepped closer. "We're looking for different people to help make the Open Day a success."

"And why should we help?"

Chan sighed. Of course. Soori was stubborn. But the martial arts club was a highlight. He had to convince them, otherwise the chance of success would drop drastically. “If we don't do something, the school will be ruined. No more students. And at some point the school has to be closed."

"Why should I care?"

Chan snorted. "Don't you have a little sister? What if she wanted to go to school with you, but sees that you don't give a shit about the people here?" He crossed his arms. “If this school closes, we will have far bigger problems than your ego. Jobs will be lost, students will move away with their families, friendships will fall apart and the building here will be treated like a junkyard. Can't you even see the bigger picture for once?"

Soori frowned and scowled at Chan.

"Maybe he's right, Soori," said one of the guys behind him. The others muttered their agreement.

“Well, I’ll think about it. But that's not a promise, alright?” he grumbled.

Chan was satisfied with that answer. “Okay, thanks."

Suddenly someone cleared their throat behind him. He turned around and looked at Mrs. Thong. 

Her face looked far from happy. “Chan, what are you doing there?"

“Talking? I guess that's still allowed, isn't it?” he replied.

"I've heard that you were spreading hate speeches."

He looked at her irritated. “Excuse me? But ... I'm just talking to people here. I don't cause hatred against anyone."

“The fact that you're no longer the head boy is your fault. So stop bad mouthing Junhyeok."

Chan frowned. "I’m sorry, but he's not the one who’s being accused wrongly right now."

She crossed her arms. "Is that a reproach against me?"

"No, but-" Chan gasped for breath. "I'm just defending myself," he said quickly.

"Well, I think you have the honour to continue defending yourself in front of the headmaster. To the office!"

The auditorium had become quiet because Mrs. Thong - as so often - could not help yelling her words across the hall. But just because she wore a taut bun and a pencil skirt, Chan was not intimidated. In fact, he was mad.

He did have plans against Junhyeok, but he did not force anyone to join him. He did not polarize this school and he was not dictatorial either. Instead, he asked for help as a person. Not as a showy Alpha.

“But I-"

“If I hear that word from you one more time, I’ll arrange a suspension for you. I don’t tolerate such misconduct!"

Chan had no choice but to surrender. If he said anything else, there would be real trouble. So he just nodded and looked after Thong, who stalked through the hall on her high heels.

Still stunned, he looked around until he met a grinning face. It took him a moment to realize that it was the boy who had recently poured orange juice on his shirt.

He nearer and stopped right in front of him. “Why did you do that?!"

“I see you sneaking around here. Of course I have to report that."

"That’s a restriction of freedom. Freedom of opinion."

The boy rolled his eyes. “Listen, nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. I'd shut up, if I was in your shoes. So stop whining."

In the next moment he was called: “Kai! Come here!"

He looked at him mischievously and went on.

"Shit!" Chan hissed.

Someone grabbed his shoulder, causing him to jerk around. He nearly hit the person on the chest.

"Hey, take it easy," Matthew uttered as he raised his hands.

“Matt! I'm sorry!" Chan backed away and gave him a startled look. Suddenly he felt watched, observed from all sides.

“I saw what happened. Thong’s pretty freaked out." He looked at him with concern. “What did this guy say to you? Should I punch him in the face?"

“What? No, violence won’t help." Chan wrapped his arms around his own body. Why was Matthew talking to him again out of nowhere, even though they had just experienced this stupid argument yesterday? He was just so incredibly confused by everything which was going on around him.

"I have to go to the principal," he said and walked past the other without being stopped.


	43. "Or should I put a collar around your neck, Sir?"

Chan listened to music loudly through his headphones as he unlocked his bike. The backpack was already in his bike basket. He kept thinking about the conversation with the headmaster.

_ “You've been showing up here a lot lately. Luckily, you have a privilege thanks to your previous services, but this will be the last time I'll spare you. Be careful in the future. I don't want to suspend one of the best students for misconduct." _

Chan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Shit, shit, shit!" He kicked his innocent bike and then leaned against it. Even if the conversation went better than expected, he still had to let his mother sign the paper which he had gotten from Mr. Jung. The sentence was detention. Detention. That day was just crap.

"Chan."

He froze and turned around. "I thought you went home."

"No, I handed in my housework to Ms. Ahn." Matthew walked up to him and carefully took his hand. "How was it with Jung?"

"Okay," Chan replied and looked away, "I just want to sleep."

"But you’ll come over today, right?"

Chan looked at him in surprise. "I thought you'd rather do something with Somin or your other friends."

Matthew looked at him in confusion. "Why would I? We've already planned to spend time together."

Chan sighed. “I just thought you were still mad at me. I was sure you didn't want to see me."

"Chan ..." Matthew lifted his chin. “Admittedly, I was really angry. But I talked to Somin about it and realized that I was a complete idiot. I was frustrated and made you feel guilty for it. You were right."

"But you’re right too. Somehow," Chan muttered, “Sorry, I'm really exhausted. I ... I can't do that anymore."

"What do you mean?" Matthew looked at him worried.

"This whole week was pure stress." Chan looked down the street. "I don't even want to go home."

“You can also come to me now. My parents have been gone since this morning."

Chan hesitated. “It's crazy. I’ve never been really at yours." He smiled in uncertainty.

"Then it's about time," said Matthew, "Come on, let's go."

Chan was still undecided. However, the offer was pretty tempting because his father had decided to work from home more often. Probably to keep everything under control for “reasons of safety”. Somewhere this behaviour reminded Chan of Junhyeok and he hated the idea.

“But I can't say that I'm with you. My parents are ... unsure about us."

"I know. Maybe Changbin could be your alibi? Of course you don't have to."

Chan looked at him and sighed loudly. "Ah, fuck it." A few lies more or less did not matter anymore. So he called his mother. "Ma, I'm sleeping at Changbin's today."

"Oh that's nice!" She seemed genuinely pleased. It was always reassuring when he came out of the house and not just rotted alone in his nest. "Do you have your medication with you?"

Chan suppressed a roll of his eyes. "Yeah, I do." Even if he did not take his medicine anymore. He felt that those pills were not good for him. ""I'll come home tomorrow."

"Take your time."

With that he hung up. He would text Changbin in a moment to let him know. "Well, let's go."

* * *

Chan was sure that he had only peeked into Matthew's apartment once when they had been in kindergarten. Otherwise, they had always met either at his or Minho's house. Until they were involved in a bigger group. From there on, they were somehow everywhere: in the city, in the park, in cafes ...

Entering this little realm now felt like an evidence of trust for Chan. At first he had been a little jealous of Minho, because he could walk in and out as he wanted. But the relationship between him and Matthew was different. Always had been.

"Are you hungry?" Matthew asked and put down his bag before leading Chan into the small kitchen.

Chan looked around curiously and replied with a "Hmh".

"I know. Not much space,” Matthew muttered, looking in the refrigerator for useful food.

"I find it cozy."

Matthew smiled and took pans out of the cupboard.

Without asking too much, Chan got an overview of the kitchen by briefly opening all the drawers and cupboards. Then he took a cutting board and knife to chop up the vegetables while Matthew started cooking pasta.

They worked in silence until everything was boiling and they basically just needed to wait.

"Am I really just ordering you around?" Chan asked into the silence.

Matthew paused. "I ..." He sighed. "Well, you're pretty dominant sometimes. That probably comes with your leader-personality." He smiled slightly.

"I never wanted to force you to be friends with me," said Chan and turned to him, "I just thought you were ... really cool." He scratched his head. "I mean, you're still cool. It's just ... I don't want to be just any person in your life. Incidentally placed in a spot to meet you and then to stay with you." Because that was what Chan wanted. No matter how. As friends. As partners. As allies. The highest priority was that the years they had invested in their relationship were not wasted.

Matthew pressed his lips together. "Chan, I really didn't mean it like that. I don't know why I said that." He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I think it bothers me that I was always dependent on you."

Chan lifted the corners of his mouth, slightly amused. "Funny. I've always found you pretty independent." He stepped forward, leaning his cheek against Matthew's chest, and placed his hand next to his head. "But if you think that I always decide everything, I would be happy to let you take the control once in a while, Alpha."

"Don't call me that."

Chan giggled. “It makes you nervous. I can feel it." Matthew's heart beated fast against his face. 

Matthew scooped his arms around him.

They stood there for a little while and remained silent. Chan enjoyed the scent of ginger in his nose. He would have loved to sink into this embrace because it was warm and safe there.

"You know, I'm not mad that you're making new friends. It's strange, but I think it's okay," Chan explained, before he leaned back a little, "But I think you should talk to the others about it again. Especially with Minho."

Matthew hesitated. "I don't know ... He's kind of allergic to Somin, even though he doesn't really know her."

"Then change that." Chan pulled away from him and opened a cupboard to take out plates.

"You're getting comfy quickly."

"If it bothers you, tie me up," replied Chan and took cutlery from a drawer.

Matthew purred. "Uh, kinky."

Chan blushed and laughed softly but embarrassed.

They crouched down at the kitchen table and ate in peace. Chan liked it that way. In any case, it was not customary to talk a lot while eating, but simply to enjoy the food in silence. But how long had it taken for Matthew to wean himself off? Sometimes he was way too American.

Towards the end, however, Matthew put down the cutlery and looked intensely at Chan. "When you said you'd want to let me take control ... What does that mean for you?"

Chan looked back, irritated. Thoughtfully, he leaned his head to one side and hummed. "I'm not sure. You tell me. What kind of clichés are there in an Alpha-Omega relationship?"

"Doesn't matter. That's not for you anyway."

Chan pouted. “I'm not rejecting  _ everything _ . If you need that, we can do … stuff. It's more of that general relationship thing. Like when one partner prefers to go to the cinema and the other wants to go to the amusement park." He stirred his noodles before demonstratively stuffing some into his mouth (because no Omega in the world would eat like that). He swallowed audibly. "As long as you don't degrade or manipulate me, it's okay. Otherwise I'll have to punch you."

Matthew laughed softly. "You don't need to tell me." He thought for a moment. "Maybe ..." He hesitated. “About the collar. I thought-"

"Didn't you listen to me? Something that doesn't degrade or manipulate me," Chan interrupted and raised his eyebrows, "Or should I put a collar around your neck, Sir?"

Matthew held up his hands defensively. "Okay, okay." He took a deep breath. "Sorry."

After that, they washed the dishes and went to Matthew's room afterwards.

"So, ready for homework?" asked Chan and pulled his backpack across the floor. He sat on the bed and spread his arms out. "Whoa, your bed's really big."

"Yeah, my dad and I built it together when I got too big for my old bed," Matthew told him, putting his backpack on the swivel chair. He leaned against his table and sighed loudly. "Ahh, I don't feel like doing homework."

"Yeah, after lunch it's hard to motivate yourself," agreed Chan, "but let's do music." Otherwise Ms. Ahn would probably tear their heads off. He took out his worksheets. "So, you decide. Score analysis or composition?"

"Composition. I don't feel like writing an essay now," Matthew replied and also took out his supplies before sitting down on the bed with Chan. Then he took out a pen and wrote the key on the assignment before starting to put the chords together.

Chan watched with fascination as Matthew wrote down the notes without thinking too much.

"Watch out for the quint parallel," warned Chan.

"Saw it. Should I just leave out the note? Or replace it?" Matthew tapped the pen on his lower lip. “I'm leaving it out. If I add the other d to it, then you'll twist your hand. In addition, there's already a d in the left hand."

“I wish we had an actual set of rules for composing music this way. Somehow Ms. Ahn explained everything verbally."

Matthew nodded slowly. "Yes, that's true." He continued to write while Chan got to work too.

Since he had been playing the piano for a long time, he did not have to count the intervals because he already had all the chords in his head. But it was the same for Matthew, who did not play the piano but apparently knew the system well. No wonder. After all, he wrote music himself. "Do you actually produce in a program or do you only work acoustically?"

“I always borrow my father's laptop to produce a little bit. My parents bought me FL Studio for my last birthday."

Chan finished the task and put the worksheet aside before reaching for the score and using brightly coloured highlighters to structure the themes and motifs. "That's cool. Can I listen to a song?" He fluttered his eyelashes. "Please."

"I don't think any track is refined enough yet," said Matthew.

Chan started to sulk. “That doesn't matter. I have a lot of unfinished projects on my laptop that you can also listen to."

"Come on, let's get this done," Matthew distracted from the subject.

Since Chan did not want to annoy him, he concentrated on his homework again.

He then went on to study Chinese while Matthew decided to do physics.

"How did the test go?" asked Matthew.

“Nah, it was okay. But I should've repeated the first chapters again,” Chan muttered, “But well, it's over now. What can I do about it now?" He smiled. "I remember how you put Hannah to bed so I could read my book. She misses you."

“I miss her too,” Matthew replied and smiled, “She's cute. That probably runs in your family."

Chan smacked his thigh lightly with the notebook.

After having fought their way through these subjects, they decided that it was enough for now.

Chan took an interest in scanning the room and absorbing as many details as possible. It was pretty minimalist, which did not surprise him. Matthew did it for the sake of his parents.

He smiled at the family picture hanging over Matthew's desk. "That's pretty." He pointed to it. "You guys look happy."

"We were happy." Matthew crouched cross-legged. “At first I hated the thought of moving away from LA. But to see my grandma so happy one last time … it was worth it." He paused. "And of course because I met you."

"I feel honoured," Chan commented and moved over to the closet before opening it. Immediately a wave of pheromones struck him. He inhaled deeply and grabbed a sweater before burying his nose in it.

"I hope you won't get high."

"Shut up," Chan mumbled into the fabric and collected more clothes until his arms were fully loaded. Then he waddled over to Matthew's bed and began arranging the clothes in a ring.

"What are you doing?"

"You wanted me to build you a nest. Did you forget about that?" Chan gripped the pillows and stacked them to create a low wall. Moreover, he took the blanket and used it to stabilize the soft construction. "Do you have any more pillows? Or blankets?"

"In the closet over there."

Chan also picked out these and added everything to the nest. Again and again he went to the closet and checked the clothes for their soft fabrics. If he liked them, he utilized them as well. As soon as he was done, he curled up and sighed.

"Do you still have your nests at home?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, I read that Omegas stop doing building them when they have an Alpha," Matthew muttered.

Chan looked up at him. "It depends," he replied, "I think that I could only deal without the nests if we lived together."

Matthew lay down with him. "I see." He pulled Chan towards him by the waist. "Then we would need an extra large bed."

"Definitely. By the time we move in together you're six feet tall," Chan teased him.

"That's maybe exaggerated."

Chan reached out and finally looped his arms around Matthew's neck. He leaned his cheek against his collarbone and let out a long breath. "You know, I was so shocked when you kissed me out of nowhere back then," he mumbled.

Matthew laughed softly.

"But I've had ... all these scenarios in my head ever since," admitted Chan. He looked Matthew in the face. “There's something I've always wanted to do with someone who's very important to me. But I never had the opportunity."

Matthew's eyes widened slightly.

"Have you ..." Chan swallowed lightly. "Have you ever stargazed in the field?" He let out a long breath and scooted closer. "We always pass by the way, but I've thought so often that you can see the stars so much better out there."

Matthew sighed and smiled. “That's a sweet thought. We should definitely do that some time."

Chan looked at him skeptically. "I saw exactly in your eyes what you were thinking."

Matthew felt caught. Nevertheless, he had to laugh. "I'm sorry." His hands went to Chan's back before they began to massage him gently. "You're quite tense."

“Yes, we sit a lot. At school, at home to do homework…" Chan closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling. “It's really good to be here. Especially after all the things that happened in the past few days. "

"I don't understand where the stress comes from." Matthew's hands went down, continuing to massage the tight muscles.

"I do ... I ..." Chan swallowed. “I still have hope for this school. And I just can't shut my damn mouth."

"What exactly are you planning to do?" Matthew questioned.

“I want the students to make suggestions and get involved themselves for Open Day. I don't want everything to be organized by Jun. Otherwise it'll be boring and dull." He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. “That's why I ask various groups whether they are interested in this undercover campaign. The organization is run by me and Seungmin."

Matthew wrapped his arms around his waist. "Why am I only now finding out about it?"

"You were busy. And I thought you were still mad, so I didn't mean to annoy you,” said Chan, sheepish. He got up and went over to the window to ventilate. Too many of Matthew's pheromones were swirling around. Apparently the other did not want to suppress them, but Chan went crazy.

"Can you play something on the guitar for me?"

"I'm not very good tho," Matthew replied, but got up anyway to pick up the instrument. He took the tuner off the bedside table and began to pull the strings accordingly.

Chan put down the music stand and rummaged through the sheets of paper. "This one?"

"Yeah, it's fine." Matthew started by plucking a little tune. It was simple but nice to hear.

Chan sat on the open side of the nest and listened without doing much. As soon as he was finished, he clapped softly. "The melody reminds me a bit of the song I used for my dance."

"True. It has that lovely sound." Matthew put the guitar back into the holder. “The piece was really nice. I didn't know you could dance that well."

“I can't. I was just doing my task,” Chan whispered.

"You got a better grade than Minho."

Chan sighed heavily. He still felt bad. Okay, he had the experience to tell a profound story. Still, he did not think it was fair. After all, he had not chosen this life. But Minho had chosen to dance.

"Grades don't say much."

"Also true."

"But if we're already talking about it," said Chan, "why haven't you done your dance this week?"

Matthew put his hand on the back of his neck. “I'm working on it. I asked Mrs. Jo for a delay."

Chan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I didn't know that this project was so important to you. Do you like dancing?"

"Nah, if you're that close to Minho, you just pick up a few things." Matthew leaned forward and lowered his voice: "You know, I'd rather have dance lessons."

Chan frowned. "And why do you play guitar instead?"

“Because the teacher is an acquaintance of my parents. He doesn't take that much money for classes." He sighed. “They were so excited about the offer. I didn't have the heart to turn them down."

Chan shook his head slightly. "So dance lessons are too expensive?"

He nodded.

"Oh Matt." Chan looked at him pityingly. Once again he realized how privileged he was. He did not have to worry about the money. Just … why was he so miserable anyway?

Trying to distract himself, he got up and held out his hand to Matthew. "Have you ever danced with someone?"

Matthew looked at him and then smiled. "No, I haven't."

Finally he grabbed Chan's smaller hand and stood up. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and selected a song. The soft guitar tones rang out in the room before he placed Chan's hands on his shoulders. Then he grabbed his hip and led him slowly across the room.

"What song is that?" asked Chan.

“Fragile. By Cooper and Gatlin," Matthew replied, "I think the song suits you well."

Chan focused his attention on the lyrics and leaned against Matthew's chest. He closed his eyes and listened to the words being sung. "So, you think I'm scared of being broken."

“We all have this fear. But it's especially true for you at the moment."

Chan looked at him. "Oh yeah? I thought you found me so strong."

"You are. It's difficult. I sometimes have the feeling that you have to be handled with care," Matthew muttered, "Not because you're an Omega. I don't know exactly why."

"Okay ..." Chan was not sure what to do with the statement. However, he had to smile when he saw Matthew's uncertain expression. "Just tell me you have Alpha complexes," he teased.

"Me? Complexes?" Matthew laughed.

"Sure. Expectations, ideas, pressure ... If I have complexes, then you can have them as well." Chan grinned.

"So that's how you think." Matthew pulled him closer. He looked at Chan's mouth and seemed to be thinking.

"What?"

"Nothing. You really have pretty lips."

Chan snorted at the unexpected compliment. "Thank you? I think they are even prettier if you kiss them." He opened his heart-shaped mouth to give a big grin.

Matthew whistled softly. "You are slowly learning how to flirt." He leaned forward and was about to comply with the suggestion when the doorbell rang.

“Oh, that's my neighbour. She wanted to bring some jam because my mother likes it so much,” said Matthew, “I'll go to the door.” He looked around. “If you want, you can change. Then you don't have to sit here in school uniform all the time."

So while Matthew answered the door, Chan was gathering clothes. His hips were too narrow to put on Matthew's normal pants, so he took a pair of sweatpants that could be pulled tighter. Then he grabbed a hoodie and voila.

He stepped out into the corridor and saw an elderly lady standing there.

"Oh, do you have a visitor?"

Chan waved and gave her a friendly smile.

"Yeah, this is my partner."

Then he blushed. "Hm, a good friend," he tried to turn the situation around.

The lady raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Ah, yeah. I hope the jam tastes good. I have to go now."

“All right, thank you." Matthew said goodbye and closed the door, “And? How often are we going to play this game?"

"I don't know, but you said we had to be careful."

“We have to. But where's the fun?" Matthew winked at him. He eyed him and finally smiled. "My clothes look good on you."

"Is that a compliment or self-praise?" Chan followed Matthew into the kitchen before hugging him from behind. "Don't you want to take off your school uniform too?"

Matthew put the glass down, then piggybacked Chan. "Good idea." So he marched back into the room and threw Chan on the bed, which in turn made both of them laugh.

However, Chan twisted his face when he felt the pain in his thighs.

"Everything okay?"

Chan grabbed his legs and took a deep breath.

Matthew sat down with him and looked at him worriedly. "Did you ..." he said carefully.

Chan nodded silently. "Don't worry about it." He sat up and slowly unbuttoned Matthew's shirt.

"How should I not worry about it?"

Chan pushed the shirt off Matthew's shoulders. "What do you wanna do? I'm already trying to get help. But it doesn't get better overnight."

"I know, I-" Matthew broke off as Chan put his lips on his neck. He let out a sigh and put his hand on the other's hip to pull him closer. "Don't distract me."

"Oh, but it's so easy to do that," Chan mumbled against the warm skin and put his arms around his neck before sliding onto his lap. His mouth followed invisible tracks over the sensitive areas, kissed here, kissed there and wandered further down. "You prefer to work out your chest, don't you?" he asked with a smile.

Matthew did not answer, he just watched. The pale hands contrasted nicely with the tanned complexion, even if he was concerned about how light skinned the younger boy had become. Even if the other did not want to hear it, for Matthew Chan was so fragile and small at that moment.

Chan pushed him into the nest and kissed the abdominal muscles until he got to the waistband. Without rushing, he unbuckled the belt and opened his pants.

"Chan …"

"Don't. We're alone right now. The opportunity won't come again that soon,” Chan interrupted him and pulled on the garment until he could reach his crotch with his lips.

Matthew noticed shortly thereafter that Chan reacted in the same way. That in turn aroused a little skepticism. "Have you actually switched your medication or ..."

Chan did not react, but pressed his tongue against the fabric of the boxer shorts. He kissed over it until he was brave enough to reach under his underwear.

"Chan, why-"

"You’re talking way too much." Chan got rid of fabric and licked his own hand before closing it around Matthew's erection. He ignored the fact that his heart was beating up to his neck, which made him feel a little sick. From that point on, he stopped thinking at all.

He closed his lips reluctantly around the tip and sucked on it gently, noticing the groan of his counterpart. He did not dare to look up, so he closed his eyes and leaned his head a little further down. Timidly he took the first steps and pushed his breathing problems aside because he did not seem to have the ability to simply inhale and exhale through his nose.

His biggest paranoia was that his teeth might land miserably, so he was extremely careful about it. It was not long before he felt the hand in his hair. The touch was tenuous, but it made him open his eyes. Hesitantly he looked up. 

Matthew was completely lost in the sensation and had thrown his head back. His moans stumbled clumsily over his lips. With his free hand he clutched the sheets while he pulled his legs up a little. His chest was vibrating heavily as he let out a shaky breath, too overwhelmed by the feeling.

With that as confirmation, Chan gave his tongue more freedom and wanted to test more, trying to find some suitable position which the other liked most without twisting his own neck.

His lips put pleasant pressure onto the skin, indulging it in warmth. In an agonizing pace his tongue licked stripes over Matthew's hard-on, reaching for every accessible inch. The feeling on the surface of Chan's tongue was drizzling and breathtaking, just as exciting. His heart was beating faster while he grabbed Matthew's thighs. 

The grip in his locks grew tighter and he suppressed a moan, nearly choking on his own spit (which was a bit embarrassing, but he still proceeded).

Matthew observed attentively every movement of Chan's mouth, but soon he came practically out of the sudden. It had not taken long, but Chan probably could not have endured that position much longer anyway. His back was already hurting a bit and his foot was prickling.

Chan sat up and opened his mouth to spit the semen into his hand (being careful not to spill too much on the sheets). He coughed because the taste was far from pleasant.

"Sorry, I should have warned you." Matthew quickly took handkerchiefs and handed them to Chan.

He took them and wiped his hands and mouth. With a not particularly satisfied expression on his face, he stuck out his tongue and tried to remove the rest. Not that he expected to deliver a glorious first blowjob, but the consequences really did not have to have been so severe.

Matthew pulled up his boxers and laid the pants on the back of the chair before taking a water bottle from his backpack. He handed it to Chan when he sat down with him again. He kissed his temple apologetically.

"You're killing me." As if it was no big deal, his big hand slipped between Chan's legs.

Chan gasped and pressed his knees together. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Returning the favour." Matthew pressed him down on the mattress. "We want to make sure that we are both treated fairly, right?" Without waiting, he just kissed him and put his hand under his sweatpants.

Chan winced and clutched his shoulders, still feeling the urge to turn away. Not because it did not feel good. He was just overwhelmed with everything, wanting more and at the same time nothing. He breathed heavily against Matthew's mouth and arched his back a little.

As the thumb was circling around the tip, he had to suppress his moans multiple times. It was so slow, so good and yet so  _ frustrating.  _ He wanted to hit Matthew for being such a tease. 

"Fuck," he hissed, trying to muffle his sounds by kissing the other. He wanted to keep his knees pressed against each other, but Matthew held his legs open to make his access easier. 

Without shame his hand moved up and down around Chan's dick. The motion was fluid and secure in contrast to Chan's shivering body. 

Matthew did not have to do much to make Chan come.

Chan felt like he was going to explode. He had not touched himself this way for so long. The fact that someone else was doing it increased the sensation a lot. His whole abdomen was aching so hard that it made his eyes teary, punching the air out of him.

"Oh shit," Matthew muttered, not bothering to admire Chan's frail expressions at his violent orgasm. There was something hypnotic about the way he knitted his eyebrows and bit his lower lip to cover his broken, tiny whimpers. 

Although Chan tried to hide his aroused face, the way his back arched and his toes were curled made it obvious that he was practically burning from the inside, the fire eating his way through every muscle he could tense. It was undeniably a pretty sight to look at. 

"You are like … really fucking sensitive," Matthew commented with a rough voice. 

"Asshole", Chan breathed and smiled weakly, “Don’t say stuff like that.” He kicked him gently and turned away a little, catching his breath, still writhing under the other.

"I thought it ... wouldn't work."

Chan pressed his lips together and pushed Matthew's hand away. "I may have stopped taking my medication," he admitted after a while.

"What?"

"I dropped them off, okay? I didn't feel like being so restricted anymore." In many ways. And just the experience of what had happened a few minutes ago justified the decision sufficiently for him.

Matthew frowned. "Chris ..."

"Don't look at me like that," Chan said, wrapping his arms around himself, "Being close to you is more important to me than my own health." He had not paid much attention to what exactly he was saying. But not even two seconds later he realized what a big impact those words were having.

At least Matthew's eyes widened to the size of plates.

"Don't look at me like that." Chan took off his (or rather Matthew's pants) and went into the bathroom to clean himself up.

There Matthew noticed of course all the bandages. He had gotten hold of them earlier, but he had not been sure. "What …"

Chan looked at his legs, almost a bit startled, as if he had forgotten that the wounds existed. He took one of Matthew's T-shirts off the hook in the bathroom. He pulled the hem further down to hide the bandages.

"Chan? Is it that bad?"

"No, no."

Matthew furrowed his eyebrows. "That's why you didn't go to school." He gently touched Chan's shoulder. “What is that supposed to mean? That looks bad."

"I had an argument with my mother."

"And then you do something like that to yourself."

Chan avoided his gaze. "You don't understand this."

"Then explain it to me."

Chan looked at him with watery eyes and swallowed hard. He could not get any more words out, so he just stared at Matthew.

Eventually he let it go and sighed. "Fine, if you don't want to talk about it ..."

After they were both clean again, they did the rest of the homework. There was hardly any conversation this time. Only the bare essentials were exchanged. Chan had to sort out his thoughts first.

"Are you hungry?"

Chan shook his head and threw himself on his stomach.

"You're always hungry." Matthew stroked his head. "You mad?"

"I'm tired of you asking me all the time if I'm mad," replied Chan. "Why do you always assume the worst?"

"You're ... a little unstable."

A little. That was an understatement. But he left it at that.

“Maybe you should see a doctor again? If the medication isn't doing you any good, then another solution has to be found."

Chan made pensive noises. "You're right," he admitted, "I'll call my doctor tomorrow and make an appointment."

"Thank you." Matthew kissed the back of the head. "Now let's eat something."

Chan hesitated before smiling. "Eating sounds good."


	44. "You can try it with Daddy."

It was a strange feeling to sleep well throughout the whole night. Usually Chan lay awake forever in bed, philosophizing about various aspects of his life, only to be beaten to sleep by tiredness at some point, so that he had no choice but to sink temporarily into the land of dreams (or nightmares).

However, this morning was incredibly peaceful. He woke up thanks to the warmth of the sun which tingled pleasantly on his skin. No annoying alarm clock, which would make his eardrum explode. His eyelids fluttered again and again until he could move to look at the light.

Matthew slept calmly next to him, breathing in and out regularly. It was comforting.

Chan lifted himself up a bit, smiling, and rubbed his head. Since he sat up a little too quickly, the blood circulated too fast in his body and caused a slight dizziness. He held the side of his forehead and looked around the room. Matthew's clothes were scattered on the floor because they had probably kicked them out of the nest during the night. His own school uniform was strewn in the back corner, but who cared?

Chan still only wore Matthew’s t-shirt and underwear, but he liked the freedom. He was exuberant and relaxed. Being here calmed him; brought him a bit of peace.

It did not matter that Matthew had less money. It was wonderful to be here.

Suddenly he felt two arms wrap around his waist. Matthew pressed his face against Chan's back. His grin could even be felt through the fabric.

"Already awake?"

"What do you mean with ‘already’? It's ten o'clock."

"Then we can even have breakfast." Matthew ruffled his tangled hair and yawned heartily. He nudged Chan's cheek and ran his hand down his side until he reached his thighs. His fingertips carefully brushed the bandages.

It gave Chan goosebumps. He allowed the touch, simply because he trusted Matthew. Even if he felt all the more vulnerable, the gesture elicited something warm in his chest. The way Matthew's hands ran over his legs with ease, as if to comfortingly caress the wounds, did Chan surprisingly well. Although the contact scared him.

"Come on." Matthew put his arm around Chan's waist and pulled him to the edge of the bed before lifting him up.

Chan grabbed his shoulders in surprise because he had not expected the other person to actually take him in his arms. "Am I not too heavy?"

"You may have a lot of muscles, but I don't mind," Matthew teased him, "Believe me, all the boxes I carry in the flower shop are heavier than you."

It was strange to be carried by the other. At the same time, Chan liked it. Anything which saved him from the burning sensation in his thighs was welcome. The cuts had been pretty deep after all. With every careless movement, the wounds cried and Chan was always afraid of tearing them open.

"Big Matthew is definitely a fitting name," he commented as they entered the kitchen.

Matthew set him down on the counter, and shortly thereafter began rummaging through the cupboards. "Yeah? Are you going to call me that too now?"

"I think I’m fine with using Matt." He took a glass from the cupboard next to his head and filled it with water from the tap. He usually brushed his teeth before breakfast, but he was too lazy this time, so he preferred to watch Matthew from here.

"You can try it with Daddy too," joked Matthew,  _ "Llámame papi." _

Chan frowned. “You can speak Spanish?"

"I only know the most important things." Matthew winked at him.

That in turn made Chan blush. Sometimes the other flirted with him out of nowhere and it still irritated him. “We could go to the gym together. After all, my voucher counts for two. Changbin doesn't really feel like going with me at the moment,” he tried to distract from the subject.

“That would be great." Matthew got bowls and plates before digging through breads. “Full grain? Or toast?"

“Full grain. Toast tastes boring."

_ "True that." _

Matthew placed everything he had collected on the table.

"Do you need some help?" Chan asked when he saw the other balancing several things on his hands.

“Nope. You have intermission."

Chan rolled his eyes and puffed his cheeks. "You cannot give me orders."

“Of course not. You don't give a shit about that.”

That, on the other hand, made Chan grin.  _ "Precisely." _ He looked around. "I like your kitchen."

“I'm jealous of your kitchen. You can cook much better with more people."

"I still like your home," replied Chan.

Matthew smiled. “Thank you. That’s nice." As soon as he had finished setting the table, he came up to Chan again and stood between his legs. "But back to possible pet names."

"Oh, please don't." Chan raised his eyebrows. “You’re just jealous that I call Junhyeok Jun. But I said it wasn't a pet name."

Matthew pouted a little. Maybe BM stood for Baby Matthew? Chan should definitely remember that.

"You already have one for me," Chan continued.

“Daisy? Yes, that's what I can call you on innocent dates."

Chan folded his arms. "Ah, so different occasions mean different pet names?"

“Right. How about baby boy? "

"Please don't tell me you have a daddy kink."

Matthew snorted. “No way. But the name’s still cute. "

"Rejected."

"What a cruel jury."

"If you continue like this, you will be disqualified." Chan reached out to be lifted off the counter by Matthew. Immediately he grabbed the other's biceps and pressed his mouth against his jawbone.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Matthew laughed a little nervously.

"Obviously practicing PDA."

"But we're in the kitchen."

Chan shrugged and pulled Matthew by the hand to the table.

While they were having breakfast, Matthew turned on the radio. Still, they talked over the music and the news, but also spent some moments in silence (especially when they were too busy eating).

At some point Matthew made attempts to feed Chan grapes.

"Stop it," Chan grumbled and pushed his hand away.

"What is it?”

"You’re so … Alpha."

Matthew looked at him with mocking indignation. "This is couple behaviour!"

“You shouldn't pamper me. I'm not made of sugar." Chan sipped his tea and looked at the table, embarrassed.

"Oh, I'll pamper you as much as I want."

Chan rolled his eyes, apparently annoyed, and ate the grape quickly before closing his lips around Matthew’s finger to suck on it lightly. 

“Whoa, stop it!" The older one withdrew his hand. "Today you’re pretty …”

“What?" Chan looked at him challengingly.

Matthew blushed and looked to the side. “Forget it."

Chan got up triumphantly and danced a little silly around before putting his dishes in the sink. He turned to Matthew, who had his eyes fixed on him. But Chan could not tell what exactly he was looking at.

The younger squared his shoulders and got into the starting position before he began to dance his choreography to "The Ugly Duckling". His movements were slower than the original, but it was okay. He did a pirouette and felt the friction on his bare foot.

Matthew watched him in silence, acknowledging insignificant yet prominent details. How Chan raised his hands to the ceiling, how the hem of his shirt swirled around him, how his heels rose and fell. It was a unique sight, personal and intimate, because the other was dancing here in the kitchen and not in the big gym. 

"I'm going to brush my teeth," Chan announced.

"Okay, I'll be right there."

Chan padded out of the kitchen, leaving a smiling Matthew.

Matthew got up and put the rest of the crockery away, lingering on his mind. He thought of yesterday, which had been so incredibly messy and yet beautiful.

Inevitably, he winced when he heard the front door open and without further ado close again. He held his breath and turned before hearing voices from the hallway.

"Jinseok, we're back!"

He blinked and opened his mouth in shock. No no no. His parents were not supposed to come back until tomorrow! He stood a little haphazardly in the kitchen before hurrying into the hallway and looking his mother straight in the face.

"Why ... are you back already?"

His mother hung up her jacket. “The hotel had technical problems. No electricity, no hot water. We canceled the rest of the trip." Then she turned to him. "Have you already had breakfast? We bought some fruit and ..." She peeked into his room, the door was wide open. She frowned and lowered the bags before stepping forward.

Matthew got in her way and stood between the door frames. "Um, yes, I've already eaten." He smiled nervously and felt the back of his neck already wet with sweat.

"Jinseok, get out of the way."

"Yeah sorry, I've sorted out clothes and that's why it's messy. I was just about to- "

Before he could finish speaking, his mother pushed him aside. "That's a nest," she stated, "why the hell do you have a nest in your room?" She stood in front of her son and crossed her arms. "Just say that you have ... you know, invited your Omega."

"I ... well ..." Matthew was so overwhelmed that he temporarily lost the ability to form coherent sentences.

His father appraised him carefully from the side.

Meanwhile, Matthew prayed that Chan just would not get out of the bathroom. But since the walls were not particularly thick here, he could probably hear the chaos in the hallway. After all, nobody took that long to brush their teeth.

He pressed his lips together. Lying did not do anything, but he could not bring himself to confess.

His mother sighed and put her hands on her hips. "I hope you at least used protection."

Then Matthew blushed. "Oh my God, Mom, we didn't have-"

"And all the clothes that are lying on the floor?"

"They were for the nest ..."

"And the dirty sheets in the corner?" She raised her eyebrows. "Jinseok, I don't feel like playing games."

As if Chan had been waiting for that cue, he opened the door and stuck his head out first. He looked at Matthew's parents, embarrassed, then stepped out. He had not brought a change of clothes into the bathroom, so he had no choice but to enter the hallway in Matthew's shirt.

The parents' eyes widened as soon as he closed the door behind him.

"Chan?"

He raised his hand. "Hello." He could not say more.

"I understand absolutely nothing," Matthew's mother mumbled, holding her forehead, "I thought that ... well, that an Omega was here."

Chan looked at Matthew before taking a deep breath. "Yes, that ..." He swallowed hard and grabbed his boyfriend's hand.

"That's me. I'm the Omega."

* * *

Chan had imagined the weekend a little differently. But he had learned over the last few days that life tended to thwart his plans.

He looked thoughtfully at the screen of his laptop while he watched the lyrics video for his song "42". He was not sure whether to upload it anywhere. It was just strangely comforting to watch the lyrics like that once again.

He leaned back and let his mind wander.

" _ But your father always bragged about you becoming an Alpha." _

He closed his eyes. A deep breath. Two deep breaths. Holding his breath.

_ "Who would have thought that the son who has an Alpha father turns out to be an Omega." _

Then he opened his eyes and looked at the words which kept flickering on the screen. Chan knew how ironic it was. All the genes in the world were useless. He was ... a failure? Could one describe it that way?

It was maddening. No matter how shitty everything was, it just got worse. After all, he was not even a good Omega. He had seen the skepticism in their eyes. Of course, he would rather be wishing he could convince them. But how? What were the expectations? Chan rubbed his hair in frustration.

There was a knock on the door of his room, whereupon his mother came in. "I made you tea."

"You can put it on my bedside table," Chan muttered and closed the program before his mother could guess what he was doing.

Of course, she did not leave immediately. She sat down on the bed and looked at him a little lost. "So, should we go eat dinner next week?"

“I have a lot to do for school, and so does Matt. I still have to see if we have time,” he brushed it off and searched for a playlist on Spotify that he could listen to right away. Maybe an album from The Weeknd? Lately he has been enjoying listening to this artist.

"Chan ..."

"What?" He turned in his chair to face her. "Please don't look at me like that."

"How am I looking at you?"

"Like a kicked dog." Chan did not mean to be evil. He really did not. But sometimes his mother genuinely provoked him. He propped his arm on the tabletop. “I can't even be alone in the bathroom anymore. What more do you want?"

"Were you at Jinseok's house this weekend?"

Chan narrowed his eyes to slits. "You talked to dad about it, didn't you?" Matthew was not the best at suppressing the pheromones. So Chan had probably smelled of him quite strongly. Especially since he had slept in his bed too.

"You should see Doctor Lim."

"I made an appointment yesterday," said Chan, hoping that this would end this conversation.

His mother let out a long breath. "And ... what about protection?"

"Mom, not you too." Chan blushed and tapped the tabletop with his fingers. "Matt and I are not stupid."

She smiled weakly. "But young."

“I don't sleep with him. And I won’t do that in the near future. I can't get pregnant anyway."

His mother nervously fiddled with the bedspread. "Yes, but I read about what kind of hormones in Omegas sexual intercourse can trigger and-"

"Can you stop reading articles like this?" Chan interrupted her, "That’s ... embarrassing."

“It’s important!"

“I'm an Omega and not a baby,” Chan replied sharply, “I can take care of myself. I already understand that my status is difficult." It seemed like an illness to him.

His mother looked at him seriously. “It can be really dangerous. In such situations, it’s easier for the Alpha to gain control. If you take medication-”

“No! No more medication! I'm tired of it!" Chan exclaimed, "I don't feel like swallowing pills anymore. Why should I be able to fix my life just with medication?" He crossed his arms and looked at the floor with an angry expression on his face. "I trust Matt."

"I know ... But maybe that's the problem. Your father explained to me how it works with Alphas and Omegas. It's different from two Betas or Alphas and Betas."

"Of course Dad told you that." Chan rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Can you go now, please? I need to do my homework."

His mother remained seated. "How did it go at the first therapy session?"

“Oh great. The guy snapped his fingers and I cackled like a chicken."

His mother looked at him sadly - Chan felt bad immediately. He was pretty mean, but he could not forget that his mother had practically stabbed him in the back. She had not even apologized. No, it was all Chan's fault. Everything went wrong in  _ his _ head. It was all in  _ his  _ head. The problems were not there at all, they were just imagination, clearly in  _ his  _ head.

"He said that I should keep something like a diary," he finally said and fixed his gaze on his now open school book, "Otherwise we just talk."

Although that was not entirely true. Rather, they sat dull in a room, waiting for Chan to say something. The psychologist had said that the whole thing was a self-help therapy, which was why he only acted as a support. Actually, Chan had to solve his own problems. But in the end, did you not always help yourself with therapies?

Chan did not understand the concept anyway, but he had no choice but to go there.

"Does it help you?"

Chan, irritated, threw his pad on the table. "Mom, I cannot solve every single problem in my life within just one session." He was silent and stared at his hands. He would have loved to change the subject or just send her away.

"By the way, you have to sign a piece of paper." He took the paper from his pocket and handed it over.

His mother read the text on it before her eyes widened. “Detention?! How did that happen?"

"Mrs. Thong got me the punishment."

"And why?"

Chan did not know how to explain. "Someone told her I was spreading hate about the head boy."

His mother looked at him reluctantly as she walked over to the desk and picked up a pen. But she still hesitated. As if she could hardly believe that this piece of paper was seriously legitimate. "And is it true?"

Chan would have been outraged that she even questioned it, but it did not even surprise him. Of course it was suspicious. He was no longer the representative, so he tried to spread rumors about Junhyeok. Why should there be another way? Still, he tried to tell the truth: "Of course it's not true."

"Chan, you don't have to lie."

Chan glared at her. "Okay, I'll be honest then." He cleared his throat. "Sign this paper and go out of my room or I won’t go to the therapist."

"You can't blackmail me."

He suppressed a snort. “ _ You _ are standing here and interrogating me. And why are you pointing that damn pen at me?"

In fact, his mother had raised the pen so that it was practically right under his nose. Slowly she lowered it while she was still looking at the paper. “I can’t, Chan. That's impossible. Why are you doing this?"

“I'm not doing anything. Unfair penalties are given every now and then. This time it just catches me."

“But out of nowhere? You can really tell me when something’s wrong."

Chan closed his eyes and felt the tears sting again. No. Do not cry. Please. Why did he have to cry when he was infinitely angry? “Everything’s wrong at the moment! But it's not my fault. At least not only mine.” His voice broke and he grabbed the edge of the table.

"Christopher."

Chan got goosebumps. If his mother addressed him by his full name, then the situation was indeed serious. And he did not want that. "Please ... do me a favor and sign this note."

His mother sighed. “I… Chan, I can't. I can't believe it got this far. " And without further ado, she left his room.

Chan was generally not on good terms with his family these days. His parents, Hannah, Lucas (who was probably a bit scared of him by now)… Yes, even Berry did not want to be petted by him, because he no longer regularly went for walks with her. Therefore, he preferred to hide in his room to enjoy the silence alone.

All alone.

He stared at the piece of paper before reaching for the pen his mother had put down. "If she can't, I have to," he muttered, looking for old class work.

Position the pen. Do not think.

Just do it.

* * *

Chan actually hated the beginning of the week just based on his new principles to perceive his whole life. Mondays meant a new week and also new bad luck.

But as soon as he got to school, Seungmin walked up to him to pull him aside.

"I finished the plans yesterday," he explained immediately (he usually got straight to the point). He held the papers towards Chan. “The idea was to build the school like a city with shops, different institutions and cafes. Each class at each level then has a corresponding subgroup motto." He pointed to the appropriate arrows on the map.

Chan picked up the papers in amazement. “That looks great. Thank you, Seungmin."

“Be prepared for questions. People are a little confused, but you've already set meeting places so that everything stays undercover. Have you already organized the Whatsapp groups?"

"I have, yes."

“Good. Hyunjin is going to take care of the swimming club, Jeongin and Jisung of the baseball club, Changbin wanted to check the sewing course, Felix wants to ask to the computer scientists, Minho’s going to approach the gymnasts and I'll see what I can do with the chess club”, Seungmin continued. “Ask Matt if he wants to take care of the soccer team. You have the cooking club, theater group and martial arts club under control, right?"

Chan nodded.

“The choir will be a bit difficult because it’s led by Mrs. Ahn. But we can definitely add the garden club to the list. Did you see how tight the rose garden looks?"

Chan nodded with a smile. Since the addition of girls to the school, the garden club had been literally blossoming. He really wanted to speak to the leader of the club.

“All right. Then you have to subdivide the terrain for outside. You know. For people who want to take up space in the schoolyard."

"We also have to distract Junhyeok from all of this." Chan looked around with a little paranoid face. He had the feeling that every second they talked it was getting more dangerous.

“Yup. To do this, we would have to distinguish the people who are responsible for planning and chase them through the area, creating sources of conflict and causing problems ...”

"... so that they are distracted from what’s actually happening," Chan finished the sentence with a mischievous grin.

Seungmin nodded. “Exactly. This means that various groups are presenting pseudo-problems to the curators to keep them busy. Then they lose the actual focus of the planning."

Chan tapped his chin thoughtfully. "If we smuggle the lists out of the office, we can plan more precisely."

That in turn elicited a grin from Seungmin. “Great idea. Changbin can do this." Almost viciously he rubbed his hands together as if he could hardly wait to shoo the older one around.

Chan bit his lower lip. "Shit, we only have a few days left."

Friday was the deadline. Then everything had to be set up.

Seungmin nodded with a serious look. "From now on every minute counts."


	45. "You drive me crazy."

“Populists. Who knows what this group is about?" Mrs. Lee underlined the word just written on the board and turned to her class.

Chan had raised his arm the quickest - as so often. Therefore, he was also allowed to speak: "They find simple solutions for the people to manipulate them and thus want to bring the system to collapse."

"And what kind of solutions do they offer?"

“Most of the time, they're looking for some kind of scapegoat. They neglect other factors and limit the focus to a superficial point. The goal is simply to gain power. It’s only about appealing to the public and not about the actual well-being."

"It reminds me of someone," Matthew whispered, which made Chan snort.

Mrs. Lee raised her eyebrows. "Anything else, Chan?"

"Uhm, no. I'm done."

The teacher nodded. "Good. These are the key points of the definition. It sounds simple in itself, but let's look at an example. Then it becomes clear why we can fall for such strategies after all."

It was really crazy sometimes to see how the school worked here. Like an organism of its own. As if one had to conduct actual politics here.

Chan guessed it was the influence of one's own status. Otherwise, the overall behaviour in a school would never be so complex. He did not know anything else, but sometimes he tried to imagine what it would be like if there was no such thing as a status. So no tattoos, no ideal types, no expectations. Of course that was utopian. There are always reasons to judge people.

These lines of thought lasted until the break. He became entangled in ideal alternate universes.

"Come on, Minho." Chan poked him in the side encouragingly. "If you miss Matt, go and ask if you can spend the break with them."

"No, that would be embarrassing." Minho held up his hands defensively.

Sighing, Chan looked over at Matthew, who was with Somin, Jiwoo and Taehyung. The group laughed at something before continuing to talk. It was still an unfamiliar sight, but it looked right. As if Matthew were really part of that group.

Of course, Chan felt a stab at seeing his long-time childhood friend plus current partner with a different group. But what could he do anyways? Forbidding the other meet others would never cross his mind.

"It's either Somin or me."

"That's ridiculous," replied Chan, "you can still be friends with him."

"What if Changbin suddenly dropped you?" Minho shot back.

"This is something different. We're best friends."

Minho looked at him sharply, whereupon Chan knew that he had not chosen his words particularly wisely.

“I'm just saying that you can't compare that. Our friendships are all different and that's a good thing."

Matthew stood next to Jiwoo and tried to imitate her dance moves. Amazingly, it did not even look bad. At some point he could not keep up and hugged the girl from behind before placing her on Taehyung, who in turn complained.

"Anyway, I'm going over to them," Chan announced. He got up and walked over to the vivid group.

"Hey, baby boy," Matthew greeted him teasingly, which in turn made Jiwoo whistle.

“Don't do that,” Chan answered with an amused eye roll, “I wanted to ask if you have time today? So that we can talk."

Matthew understood immediately. 

"Sure. I'll work in the flower shop later, but you can come over. Then we can clarify everything else."

"Oho, are any undercover actions planned?" Taehyung asked conspiratorially and grinned. He rubbed his hands together like a villain from a series and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Weirdo," Jiwoo commented and pushed him to the side so that he fell over.

Before Chan could say anything else, he heard somebody clearing their throat behind him. Just the sense of presence was enough for him to determine who was standing behind him.

"Jun, what do you want?"

"And as always, you come towards me in a bad mood," replied the head boy and crossed his arms.

"How could I resist that?" Chan said sarcastically and raised his eyebrows.

"I just wanted to find out whether the letter of complaint had arrived."

Chan's blood froze. At the same time he felt all the unpleasant looks on him. "I got it," he replied tersely.

"Your parents probably weren't too happy about the mail," Junhyeok continued to dig into his wounds.

It took a lot of effort for Chan not to hit him directly in the face. But once again he held back. You could not fight violence with violence. He knew that. He had to remain true to his pacifist principles. "Just because you're the head boy, you can't rummage through private matters," he finally managed to say, "just leave me alone."

“Come on, you owe me the entertainment. After everything you've done."

Suddenly Jiwoo stepped forward. "Just fuck off." She almost growled at him. "You have no business here."

Junhyeok tried to meet her gaze, but Jiwoo's eyes pierced him as if she wanted to hit a bullseye with arrows. (It scared Chan a little bit.) Although she was significantly shorter than him, her posture easily made up for the difference in height.

When Taehyung came up behind them, Junhyeok surrendered.

“Oh, that's cute. A new group of fans? We'll talk again anyway." He clicked his tongue and finally turned before leaving.

Chan watched after him in amazement. "Thank you," he said to Jiwoo.

She just brushed it off. "No problem. I don't like the guy anyway."

"Well, that's big d energy," Matthew commented, which made Chan chuckle.

“By the way, we're trying to make out cloud figures,” Matthew continued, “but they really suck. Maybe you should give them some tutoring?" He nudged Chan in the side.

Chan smiled. "Yeah, sure. Watch and learn."

* * *

Chan was so happy to get out of the house. While he liked to hide in his room, it was a great way to avoid his family. So after a long time he took Berry outside again so that no one would be suspicious.

He strolled towards the park and walked around the small lake for a few rounds before making his way to the old oak tree. There he let his dog jump around until she came back to him visibly exhausted.

Then he decided that he should visit Matthew. He was still a little bit ambiguos when it came to the Open House campaign. It was great that his friends stood up for him. At the same time, however, he was quite nervous. Not just about the possibility of getting caught, but also about the potential failure.

He shook his head slightly. No, he should not think about it so early. Even if something went wrong, he would at least have tried. And that already counted a lot.

He had not been to the flower shop often, but to get there was easy. Soon he saw the tag  _ Flower Shower _ , which signaled to him that he did not have far to walk. From the distance he saw Matthew's tall stature. He was just busy making bouquets. Meanwhile, his mother was advising a customer.

Chan's chest felt a bit uncomfortable when he remembered the conversation over the weekend. He had not stayed long. He had explained the essentials, but then left to give Matthew and his family some private space.

His pulse increased with every step. The option to run away briefly appeared, but he ignored it. Chan did not want to give in. He had done that enough times lately.

A moment later, Matthew spotted him and waved with a broad smile. Finally he saw Berry too and clapped his hands before kneeling and patting the dog's head. "Aww, nice to see you again, Berry!"

Berry barked enthusiastically in response and willingly let Matthew caress her.

“Ma, I'll go inside with Chan for a minute. We need to talk about something for school."

His mother nodded and smiled at Chan. "Hello, Chan."

Chan blinked in astonishment before he returned the greeting. As he followed Matthew inside, he tried to calm his wild heartbeat a little. "Your mother ... "

"Yes. She's in a really good mood," Matthew confirmed before Chan could finish his statement, “We talked again yesterday.” He went to the staff area and directed Chan into a small kitchen next to the storage. "Do you want to drink something?"

Chan refused. "What did your parents say?"

"Well, they still can't quite believe you're an Omega," Matthew replied, leaning against the counter.

Chan squatted down on a chair and let out a long breath before wrapping the leash around the armrest. "What about our relationship?"

“They don't seem to mind. I think it just took them time to process it all." Matthew held his breath for a moment before continuing, "I think they're happy that ... well, I'm with an Omega." He chewed his lip, embarrassed.

"Oh, yeah. Sure." Chan frowned and took a lollipop from his jacket pocket. He absolutely needed food for his tense nerves. He unwrapped the candy and put it in his mouth.

“But let's talk about the Open House”, said Matthew, “Taehyung's the captain of the soccer team, so I talked to him. He got the idea that they would have games outside in the field so the kids could have fun. Otherwise he wanted to hold a big tournament."

"That sounds great," confirmed Chan, "will you help with the assembly then?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

Chan looked at him gratefully. "I don't know what I would do without you guys ..."

"Hey hey, you're still coordinating the whole thing. You can also praise yourself a bit." Matthew came up to him and crouched in the chair next to him.

Chan shrugged his shoulders slightly and smiled. "Well, Seungmin also organizes an awful lot."

"It's just his thing."

"True." Chan sucked on the lollipop thoughtfully as he went through the plans for the next few days. He eagerly hoped that he could finish everything on time. He had already allocated the places in the schoolyard and the subgroup mottos had largely been evaluated. It should be manageable.

At some point he realized that Matthew was staring at him. With a  _ plop _ he pulled the lollipop out again. "What?"

"Nothing," Matthew replied a tad too quickly. He then watched as Chan closed his lips around the yellow-orange ball. "Flavour?"

"Peaches." The answer was only mumbled as Chan's tongue was busy sliding over the sweet surface. His lips were already shiny from it, provoking Matthew all the more. To be able to savour everything, Chan licked his mouth and smacked his lips softly. “I hope the weather will be good. Or else we can forget the live concert in the yard."

Matthew nodded dully, still focused on watching Chan.

Chan raised an eyebrow. "Everything okay?"

Matthew shook his head slightly. Then he leaned forward and literally kissed Chan's sweet mouth. The beginning was directly incited, so that he pressed his tongue between his lips without any problems. He found it difficult to keep his thoughts clear. Without realizing it, his hand landed on Chan's thigh.

Chan gasped in surprise and backed away slightly. "Matt, what are you doing?" He laughed, embarrassed, and stroked the other's hair. "You're at work."

"I have a break right now," Matthew replied and continued to raise his hand until he put it on his stomach. "You taste so sweet." He put his lips on Chan's again.

They sat like that for a while, enjoying the contact. Until Matthew pulled him to his feet and pressed him against the table. His hands suddenly landed on his hips.

"You drive me crazy," he mumbled and wandered down Chan's neck.

"I'm not doing anything," Chan panted, but closed his eyes anyway and sighed. He held on to the other's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze as a sign that he wanted more.

Matthew complied with the silent request. He leaned forward until he grabbed Chan under the thighs and lifted him onto the tabletop.

A groan escaped Chan because he briefly felt the stinging of the cuts again. However, he was quickly distracted when Matthew began engaging him in a kiss again. It was a bit strange to see the other act so uninhibited. Usually he tried to keep himself in check somehow, but he seemed to develop an addiction to the taste the lollipop had left on Chan's tongue.

Chan allowed it and returned the kisses as his fingers traveled down the warm neck. He sighed comfortably and arched his back a little, leaning back a little. He did not open his eyes until he felt Matthew's hands fiddling with his belt.

"Hey, hey," he interjected in a hoarse voice. With red cheeks, he watched as the fingers of his counterpart tried to squeeze under the waistband. "Matt, please ..."

"What?" murmured the other. He kissed Chan's cheek painfully slowly and finally sucked on the neck just below the jawbone.

Chan pushed him away. "No marks," he complained quietly. He grabbed Matthew's hand and removed it from his waistband. His face was on fire. "I just came here to talk to you about the Open Day."

"For sure. That explains your provocative actions." Matthew smiled.

Chan rolled his eyes but could not suppress an amused smile. He pushed his knee lightly into Matthew's crotch. "I have no idea what you mean." He looked at the floor when he heard Berry whine softly. "Oh, sorry, girl. We'll go soon." Finally he leaned forward and placed a peck on Matthew's open mouth.

Almost with relish, he dragged his tongue over his slightly swollen lips before sliding off the table. Admittedly, he was having a lot of trouble standing on his wobbly knees, but he did not want to show it too much.

Seeing Matthew that confused had been worth it.

"I'm going to the front and say goodbye to your mother," he announced, "Maybe you have calmed down in the meantime." He suppressed a giggle and headed back towards the flower shop.

Matthew's mother was standing at the cash register, typing the bill. After that, she gave a man one of the breathtaking bouquets Matthew had tied. A moment later she noticed Chan and turned to him. "Ah, you guys are finished?"

"Yes, we had to talk about a school project," Chan told her. That was not entirely a lie, so he did not feel too bad.

“By the way, I have something for you. Or rather for your mom." Mrs. Kim leaned behind the counter and pulled out a box of roses. “Your family has a garden, right? If I remember correctly Ahri always wanted yellow roses."

"Oh, I ... Sorry, I don't have any money with me," Chan replied, a little overwhelmed.

“What money? This is a gift." The woman smiled. “Jinseok told me your parents were taking him out to dinner. That's awfully nice." She twisted her face slightly. “Unfortunately we don't have the time to offer you something like this. Just see that as a little thank you. I would bring the flowers over myself, but I have to go to the cleaning service later."

Cleaning service? Did Matthew's mother have two jobs now? When the hell did this woman sleep?

“Thank you." Chan smiled and picked up the box, tucking the leash between it and his hand.

"Oh, you're strong!", Matthew's mother commented somewhat shocked, "I would have offered you that Jinseok would ride the box to your home on his bike."

Chan shook his head. “He has enough to do. I'm okay." He was still pretty surprised that she was being so nice to him. However, he could see that little hint of suspicion in her eyes again when she observed how Chan was holding the box without any major problems (it was just roses - really not heavy). "Well, I have to go then. Thanks again for the flowers, Mrs. K- "

"Sooyoung is fine."

"Okay, thanks, Sooyoung."

* * *

Since his mother was over a friend’s house with Lucas and Hannah, Chan decided at home to plant the flowers himself. He already knew where. His mother kept babbling about where to put which flowers.

So he looked for a nice place on the wooden fence and finally began to dig holes. At the same time, he played music over his box and played peaceful songs.

He brooded over meeting Matthew's mother. She had looked genuinely friendly. Maybe she was actually just glad Matthew was with an Omega? But at the same time, she did not seem to like that Chan was ... well, Chan. It would have been clichéd if Matthew had brought the flowers home for him. But as if one had to carry such a weight for somebody like Chan.

He shook his head slightly. He sincerely hoped Matthew would not have any problems because of his personality. Since he should maybe look for a better partner.

And there were those latent doubts again. Were they even a good couple? Matthew was pressured, Chan was pressured ... But at the same time it was so good to be with the other.

So how wrong could it be?

He sighed and looked at the roses, whose roots he carefully buried. However, he stopped the action when he heard the balcony door being pushed open. He looked up to see his mother holding Lucas in her arms.

Hannah jumped out from behind her. “Oh! Roses! " She came closer and looked at the flowers.

"Do you want to water them?" asked Chan.

The girl nodded vigorously and immediately got the watering can to fill it.

"Did you get them?" his mother questioned in surprise and stepped closer, "They are beautiful."

“A present from Matt's Ma,” Chan replied, “You know. As a thank you for the invitation to the dinner." He consciously chose his words that way. After all, he still remembered the conversation between his parents too well. No way they would cancel the dinner. He was definitely not going to let his father bottle out.

His mother's expression was priceless. Chan knew damn well he had pushed the right buttons. “That's nice."

“So Saturday? This week Dad has his Saturday off. So what time? Then I can text Matt later."

"Chan ... I ..." His mother knelt down next to him. "Your father and I talked again."

"And he wants to back off," Chan replied without waiting.

His mother ducked her head, sheepish. "Don't say this ... It's a little more complicated."

Chan raised both eyebrows contemptuously. “How so? It's just one dinner. It was  _ your _ suggestion," he reminded her.

The next moment Hannah came running again and started watering the flowers. "Where do the flowers come from?" she asked meanwhile.

"From Matt's mom,” Chan replied, "She's happy that we invited Matt to dinner."

"Oh yes!" said Hannah happily, "That'll be great. Mom, I'd like ice cream for dessert. Please."

The mother looked a little overwhelmed between the two of them before she sighed heavily. "Yes, I'll talk to Dad again later."

A slightly triumphant smile crept onto Chan's lips. No, he certainly did not want to be pushed around again.


	46. "You've been very selfish lately."

The closer the Open Day was, the more nervous Chan became. But he also felt the positive excitement. He could not wait to see how this project turned out.

So far, none of Junhyeok's curators seemed to have noticed that all the clubs and vintages were now planning independently. Thanks to his friends, Chan had a good overview of the actions, but for the most part he gave the students freedom (which they seemed to like very much).

His mind was roused when his teacher, Mrs. Karon, heaved her thick book onto the desk.

“Open page 164. We're discussing the previous statutes today.” She took out chalk and started drawing a mind map. "What do you know about the laws of the late 20th century?"

Yeri immediately raised her hand. “Omegas had to move out before the age of majority. No matter what comes. The reason for this was that the government wanted to pressurize them to find an Alpha." She made a face. Chan had already recognized in the discussion of her social studies class that she did not like the distribution of roles.

He liked it. There were more people questioning the system. So he was probably not the only one who thought a little differently. Just not many dared to speak their thoughts out loud. Actually, Chan did not want to continue disgusting the ABO system at school thoroughly. Still, it was good to go in-depth, analyzing how society had changed. In comparison, he was living in a good time. While there were still all of these stereotypes and expectations around, at least it was easier to have a public opinion.

After class he saw Minho once again abandon Matthew and try to get away as quickly as possible.

"Great," Matthew muttered, sighing and running a hand over his forehead.

"He'll be fine," Chan consoled him, "He's just pretty ... confused?"

"Minho has never been so mad at me ..." Matthew frowned in concern. "I guess I screwed up."

In Chan's point of view, both of them had screwed up, but it could not be that it took forever to get this conflict out of the way.

Together they made their way to the bike racks. Chan took Matthew's hand and held him back. “Minho has to know that you're taking him seriously. Even if he's acting childish, you mustn't make him feel childish."

Matthew smiled a bit bitterly. "Yeah, I know." He unlocked his bike. “Well, I have to go now," he announced, “You know. I still have to practice for P.E." He kissed Chan's forehead and then cycled away.

Meanwhile, Chan took the usual route to Hannah's kindergarten. He picked her up more irregularly, but tried to get some grip on that duty. He felt like he had a lot to make up for. After all, he had broken his promise and that was pretty much the end of the world. Somewhere he saw himself as a role model and to show Hannah that it was "okay" to break promises ...

He waited outside and saw Hannah talking to her best friend Yiren until she discovered Chan. She said goodbye and walked over before hugging him.

"How are you?" she asked directly.

Chan looked at her irritated. "I'm fine. Why are you asking?"

She looked at him skeptically. "You sure? I don't want you to go bathing again."

Chan sighed heavily. “I know, princess. Come on, let's go home." He lifted her onto the seat and then drove off. The mood between them was a little uneasy. Hannah did not seem mad at him. More frustrated? Resigned? Pensive? It was hard to pin down.

When they got home, Hannah first sat down in the living room and turned on the TV so she did not miss her favourite series. Until her mother was home, Chan rarely had a great objection. She could decide for herself when she had enough.

He rummaged in the closet and took out packets of juice. "What kind do you want?"

"Orange!"

So it was orange juice for both of them.

Chan returned and handed Hannah a package. They just watched the show for a while. In the meantime Chan went over his plans in his head for Friday and then brooded over what homework he had to do and how he was going to get through Saturday dinner.

“How was kindergarten?”, he finally broke the silence.

"Good. A boy wanted to push me off the swing, but I pushed him back."

"Oh." Chan closed his lips around the straw and frowned. "That's not nice," he mumbled.

“He was unfair, so he deserved it." Hannah sucked on the straw, keeping her eyes on the screen.

Chan put his arm on the armrest. “Well, was it fair that you reacted the same way? He may be mean, but you are not."

Hannah hummed and shrugged. “Everything's unfair. I don't feel like thinking about whether I was stupid. I wanted to push him and pushed him. Otherwise nobody would have helped me."

The way she spoke was a little scary. As if she had already had too many experiences (which was somehow true).

Before he could say anything else, he heard the front door open and unceremoniously slam back into the lock. "We're back!" 

Chan turned to his mother, who was holding Lucas in one arm and waving two bags in the other. "I went shopping!"

"Again?", Chan asked, "The refrigerator's full."

"No, I bought clothes." She put Lucas in his seat and handed one of the bags to Hannah. “Here, honey. You said you needed new mud pants. Gloves are also in there. Daddy burned your last one on New Year's Eve after all."

"I remember," Chan muttered, while the corresponding scene literally flickered briefly in front of his inner eye.

"That's for you."

Surprised, he accepted the bag. "But I have enough clothes ..." He looked inside and took out a thin, strapless sweater.

“You only have thick sweaters. I thought I would buy you more long sleeve shirts,” his mother explained while she was already busy in the kitchen.

That made sense to Chan. He took out several tops and frowned as he saw all the light and soft colours. "Did you buy anything black?" he asked, rummaging around in the clothes. He paused when he saw the ones at the bottom of the bag.

He pulled the fabric slowly before deciding to just shake everything out of the bag. He frowned and picked up a pleated skirt. “Mom?"

Hannah discovered the clothes and gasped. “Oh! They’re beautiful!" She took another skirt in white and held it up. "But too big for me," she said disappointed.

So they _were_ Chan's size. It was not a misunderstanding.

"Are you okay, Chan?" his mother asked while she started washing vegetables.

“Um, no?” he answered directly and eyed up the crop tops, “Why do you buy something like that? It's getting cold."

"You can always combine everything with jackets and tights," she replied calmly.

Okay? Was that a stupid joke? Usually his mother never bought him clothes. He got them himself (for good reasons).

Now his mother came into the living room. “Don't you like it? Then I'll give it back." And there they were. The puppy eyes. She really was worse than Berry.

"That ... no, the clothes are ... beautiful." Chan blinked and looked at them. “I just don't understand why you're buying this? That’s not my style."

“Yes, that's exactly what I thought! I've read that Omegas will eventually enter such a phase. I thought if you feel like wearing new clothes, it would be a good opportunity to buy some with a discount! " And why the hell did she sound so enthusiastic?" There are a lot of Omegas who like skirts, but you never wore them because you didn't have the chance, so ..." She waved her hands a little lost.

Then Chan realized what she wanted to achieve with the action. On the one hand, his father tried to maintain Chan's image as an Alpha. But genetically, he was not one. On the other hand, his mother wanted to support him more in accepting this Omega side of him. The gesture was sweet, but just as overwhelming. After all, Chan did not believe that it was really his status which influenced his mindsets and preferences.

He was just ... him. Certain mechanisms in his behaviour were biologically proven, but that did not make him a slave to his hormones. (Otherwise he would probably no longer be a virgin.)

“They are so pretty! Do you want to try these on, Chan?” Hannah interfered. She looked at him excitedly.

"Uh ..." Chan scratched his head. “Maybe later. I have to do my homework first, okay?" Embarrassed, he scratched the back of his head and gathered up the clothes before he fled to his room.

His mother confused him. Sometimes he got very upset about her, but at such moments she understood him better than his father. Somehow. Both of them did not realize the fact that he did not need to be treated differently. All the genetic drawbacks were just there. But it did not change Chan's personality. His actions did not need labels. And there were probably advantages to his genetics which he could not see at the moment.

He looked over to his bedside table and picked up one of the packages. Finally, he swallowed two pills, which he washed down with water. He had told Doctor Lim about all the side effects which bothered him. Even if it was embarrassing, he had confessed that he did not want to be severely restricted because of his relationship. Then she only had to prescribe herbal products for him because his body was too sensitive to other medicine. He was currently trying Saint John's wort. He took a deep breath and felt himself actually relax a little. Taking pills was a bit like playing poker. Either they worked or they just did not.

In that state, it was easier to do his homework and study a bit. Then he lay down in his lower nest and took out his cell phone to check all the WhatsApp groups. A few people had also texted him privately. As soon as he had answered all the messages, he put the device aside and took the book from his bedside table.

He was able to keep himself busy for a while, but at some point his leg fell asleep, so he got up again. The cuts healed pretty well, even if Chan had to stay away from any blades in moments when his heart slid several inches down in his chest. His mother had tried to scour his room for any sharp things. However, there were so many objects with sharp edges. She could not possibly lock everything away.

Chan looked thoughtfully at the pile of clothes. He got up slowly and picked up a few items of clothing. He stood critically in front of the mirror and held the sweater in front of him. "Some colour may be good for your face," he finally mumbled and changed the top.

The sweater was actually quite comfortable. He pulled the light green fabric and turned a little to look at his sides. “Okay, that’s neat,” he muttered and picked up one of the pleated skirts. At least this one was black.

He hesitated for a long time, shrugged and took off his pants. The skirt sat comfortably around his waist. He tucked the sweater in and looked at the strap which hugged his body tightly. Finally he leaned under the bed and pulled out a couple of shoeboxes. He combined the outfit with black sneakers and looked again in the mirror.

He blinked several times. “Wow." He frowned and tapped his reflection with his finger before backing away. Yup. It was definitely him. “Holy shit." He laughed a little incredulously.

He winced slightly when he heard his message. Immediately he took the cell phone from his mattress and opened the chat room.

  
  


**B(aby) M(atthew)**

Tae wanted to know how long he can be on the field

_14:01_

**You**

As long as he wants. No one else has signed up yet

_14:02_

**B(aby) M(atthew)**

Kay

_14:02_

How r you? What r u up to?

_14:04_

**You**

Not much

_14:05_

I’m rying on sum new clothes

_14:07_

**B(aby) M(atthew)**

Occasion?

_14:08_

**You**

My mom bought them

_14:10_

**B(aby) M(atthew)**

nice

_14:10_

Lemme see

_14:12_

  
  


Chan's face was on fire when he read the message. He should have just shut up. Quite overwhelmed, he stood in front of the mirror and went through various options.

Chan did a mirror selfie (he hated taking selfies - he was not able to make good ones) and sent it to Matthew. Restlessly, he sat down on the bed and rocked his feet while he waited for the answer, his heart pounding fast.

  
  


**B(aby) M(atthew)**

shit

_14:20_

I'm horny now

_14:27_

**You**

fuck u

_14:28_

  
  


Chan laughed automatically and threw himself on his back. No matter what Matthew did, it made him laugh. How could a person be so blunt?

  
  


**B(aby) M(atthew)**

Srsly you look good

_14:30_

Completely different 

_14:36_

But I like it

_14:38_

**You**

thx ig ヘ (^ _ ^ ヘ)

_14:41_

  
  


Chan's face was still on fire. On the spur of the moment, he decided to call Matthew. "Hey."

"Hey." Matthew's voice was a bit rough.

“You good?"

“Yeah, sure. Are you still wearing that skirt?"

Chan snorted softly. "Yep. But I wanted to ask if you want to go to the gym with me?"

“Really? Sure! I'll pick you up in a moment, baby."

The nickname triggered something fluttering, tingly in Chan. It was _so_ incredibly clichéd.

Chan loved it.

* * *

Chan came back just in time for dinner that evening. But it did not matter because he was not planning on sitting with his family. Earlier he had eaten at Matthew's house before he left, and he was glad because he still was not ready to sit at a table with his father.

He tried to sneak into his room. Suddenly he exhaled sharply when he heard his father's voice: "Chan, come here."

He sighed annoyed. So if he wanted to become a ninja, he would need to practice a little bit more after all. He hung up his jacket and went into the dining room.

"Where have you been for so long?" his father asked calmly.

"At the gym,” Chan replied and pointed to the bag, "Obviously."

“Interesting. You don't look sweaty."

Chan suppressed a heavy sigh. "There are showers too."

"And you think it would be wise to shower with Alphas?"

Well, that was exactly what Chan had been afraid of, thus he had showered with Matthew (who had much preferred that too). But he could not tell that. 

"I'm pretty good at suppressing my pheromones now," replied Chan, pawing the floor with his foot, "Can I go to my room now?"

“You have to eat. Where else should the muscles come from?"

"I ate on the way home. With Changbin. I often go to the gym with him."

"With Changbin," his father repeated, putting down the chopsticks.

The way he spoke alone provoked Chan. He gripped the strap of his bag tighter. “Okay. I was out with Matt. You happy?” he uttered and hissed softly.

"And you don't let me know?"

"When I meet Felix or Changbin, I don't have to let you know either," he defended himself.

"That’s not the same." His father's voice grew a little louder, causing Hannah to duck her head a little. Lucas also stopped eating and watched the scenario with wide eyes.

“You treat him like a threat. It's Matt. He’s my boyfriend, damn it." Chan shook his head. “By the way, I'm going to the suit shop with him on Saturday. Mom said that Matt could borrow something from there." He must have hit a sensitive spot because his mother gasped and his father looked at her indignantly.

"I said I didn't want this dinner!"

"Too bad for you!", Chan answered and he could not prevent the aggressive tone, "You want to rule my life? Then start by getting interested in it." Since he had enough, he left the dining room and ran upstairs.

The clothes his mother had bought him were still in his room. He grabbed the skirts and looked at them before leaving them spread out on the bed.

Then he went over to the window and opened it. He inhaled the crisp evening air deeply and let himself be filled with fresh life. Even if it was cold, he immediately felt better. Finally, he decided to climb on the windowsill and let his feet dangle.

Inevitably, he remembered when Matthew had stood out of nowhere in his garden just to hug him. He automatically smiled at the thought and looked up at the sky.

A few stars could be seen. And they were beautiful. Unspeakably far away, but still safe. Although some stars may no longer exist. But they left their light and spent a little hope.

Suddenly his door swung open and he turned around. "Ever heard of kno-" He paused when he saw his father standing there.

A moment later his mother appeared behind him. She widened her eyes. “Oh god, Chan. Please get away from the window."

"What?", Chan asked irritated, until he understood that the scenario must have looked very wrong. He made a face. "Shit," he whispered.

"Come down there now," his mother said in a trembling voice.

Chan raised his arms. "Okay, okay, take it easy," he replied carefully and swung his legs over the windowsill so that he was standing with both feet on the floor again.

His father furrowed his eyebrows. "What was that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing?", Chan replied, "I was looking at the stars."

His father put his hand on his forehead. “Do you really want to give up that easy? You've been very selfish lately." The words pierced Chan's chest like knives. He looked to the side and suppressed the surge of anger.

When he threw himself into work, people told him to take it slower. When he actually wanted to shift down a gear, people said he was selfish.

Then what the hell was the right way?

He could not find any clever words to answer his father's assertion. The thread around his throat was tied so tight that he could not make a sound anymore. So he just clenched his hands into fists and waited for him to calm down a bit so that he would not yell at his father.

”That's enough. I'll take out the lock."

"Don’t you dare,” Chan warned him, "You can't be serious."

"If you can't take care of yourself, we'll have to do that," said his father and already left the room, probably to get his toolbox.

"Mom!" Chan complained loudly.

His mother looked extremely ambivalent, therefore, she just looked at him helplessly. She did not want to see her son so desperately, but at the same time the fear was evident on her face.

Chan wanted to cry again, but for a moment he forgot how that even worked. At the same time, he had the feeling that tears could not even begin to encompass this inner chaos. As if they were not enough of an expression of his emotional state.

Since no one had anything left to say, Chan sat down on his bed and watched as his father took out the handle with the keyhole. There were, of course, endless options to argue against his actions, but Chan remained silent. He did not want to waste any more energy.

"I would advise you not to do something like this in the future," his father said quietly, "You can't just go like that."

But Chan wanted to go.

Obviously, however, he could not put it that way. So he reached for his journal and started writing down all the confusing thoughts. He was not telling this book, but his future self.

So when everyone finally left his room (even if the door was now always a little open), he could finally relax and let the emotions run free that he could no longer express aloud.

  
  


_Hey Chan,_

_Do you remember when your father practically took the door of your room apart? You are probably able to laugh about it, but to me it feels like hell on earth right now._

_I cannot imagine that things will get better eventually. But if you are reading this, it is enough proof that I will stay long enough to find out._

_I count on you._


	47. "I can have everything except you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> This chapter contains an explicit description of sexual assault plus slut-shaming in the first one-third. If you feel uncomfortable or even threatened by those kind of issues, take serious notes of this warning. 
> 
> Stay safe.

"So, can you get the choir together for me? Seungmin already has too much to do."

Lia looked at him doubtfully. "I'm not … you know, the greatest authority figure."

“But I need your help. I have to go to the cooking club later before I can go to the music room."

A little hesitant the girl looked around the area before coming closer. "I can try it. But I don't take any responsibility."

It was the last day. The last day before event X.

Chan could hardly concentrate in class because he had to think all the time that there was still so much to do. Fortunately, he had already developed the fixed program for tomorrow. When there would be a live concert outside. When there would be a guided tour through the school. When the big soccer tournament took place. But God, his head was so incredibly  _ full _ . How should he ever finish his to-do-list in time?

"Relax," Matthew soothed him during the lunch break, when he noticed that Chan was tensing up. 

Chan shook his head slightly to get back to reality. "I’m sorry. I'm just really nervous." He took Matthew's hand and looked at him uncertainly, but at least smiling.

"And when’s the wedding?", Minho commented while poking around in his rice. He raised his eyebrow in a challenging way.

Matthew looked at him in surprise.

Actually things were still tense between them, but the comment had at least let off some steam. Chan smiled at the situation. “There are Jiwoo and Taehyung. Don't you want to sit down with them?"

Matthew hesitated, still holding Chan's hand. "I can go to them another time."

"No, you should go." That the statement came from Minho, of all people, amazed not only Chan, but also the rest of the group.

There was a strange silence.

_ Don't say something stupid, Matt, _ Chan prayed inwardly, looking at his boyfriend, waiting.

"Well, if you come with me," Matthew offered.

Perplexed Minho blinked. He seemed quite indecisive and stared into his rice for a few seconds as if it might give him the answer. He raised his head in uncertainty, shrugged his shoulders before standing up. "Why not?"

So the two of them went over to Jiwoo and Taehyung.

Chan did not quite understand Minho. But it was generally difficult to understand the younger one's thoughts. Even after all these years he was surprised by them.

"Wow, the two are talking to each other again," said Changbin, "Since when?"

"Since … well, this lunch break," Chan mumbled and stroked the cover of his journal. He had even written a little in it in class today. Since he could not capture all of his thoughts and emotions in one sitting, he always wrote in this book as soon as he found inspiration for it. By now he was already scribbling in it - it was even a bit of fun. He preferred to decorate the pages with a small chubby worm. He did not know how he came up with the design of this little creature, but it was so incredibly cute that Chan could not stop doodling it. There was something strangely comforting about its face. 

Even if he found the therapy sessions a bit annoying, he had to admit that he was now able to cope with his stress a little better.

He opened the journal and added a few small comments:

_ I hope that tomorrow will be a success. If not, then I have let people down. Yet again. _

He sighed softly and shook his head.

_ Chan, I am relying on you as always. _

"What are you writing?"

Annoyed, Chan turned to Junhyeok. "Mr. Head Boy: As much as I respect your position, I would be very grateful if you didn't get on my nerves all the time." As he spoke, he closed his book.

"Is that a diary?" Junhyeok puffed up his cheeks as he had to suppress a laugh.

“First of all, it's none of your business. Second, if it were so, it doesn't matter. I can do what I want in my free time." Chan sighed softly. “By the way, you still have my wristwatch. I want it back."

Junhyeok frowned in annoyance. The fact that his counterpart could not be disturbed put him in a bad light. It was almost a little frustrating to stand here while the others watched him fail with his authority.

“Fine, all right. It's in the school council's room,” he grumbled, “Come with me.”

Chan hesitated for a millisecond, irritated that the other would so easily consent. But hey, he had gotten on with Junhyeok so many times. He could be alone with him alone and defend himself if necessary. Besides, it was only about a watch.

"Chan,” Felix interjected a little worried.

“It’s okay. I'll be right back." So he got up and followed the head boy. He stared thoughtfully at Junhyeok's back, wondering why the other boy had to harass him all the time.

Why Chan of all people? Okay, yes, he had been the head boy. But even now that Junhyeok had taken control and power, he did not want to leave him alone. It was clearly a personal problem between the two of them.

Junhyeok pushed the door open and walked over to the desk, unlocked it, and pulled out a box. So he had already "confiscated" several things.

Without hesitation, Chan reached in and fished out his Rolex, which he immediately put around his wrist. Although he was currently having a lot of stress with his father, it was good to have that watch back on his body. "And do you intend to give the other things back?", he asked sharply and crossed his arms.

"You have nothing to say to me," Junhyeok replied.

Unfortunately that was true. No matter how many insults Chan could throw at him, he was at a disadvantage when it came to authority.

So he wanted to walk away, but was held by the arm.

"You shouldn't have turned down my offer."

Chan sighed and turned to the other, releasing the handle from him. “That wasn't an offer, it was fucking blackmailing,” he hissed, “Jun, I don't feel that way for you. I have no idea why you even think this … this thing between us could work in  _ any _ universe with the way you treat me."

Before he knew it, he was pressed against the edge of the table. He tried to keep calm. As long as he did not show weakness, he should be okay. Although these touches brought back unpleasant memories, he tried not to panic.

"I know exactly what you think of me."

"I think everyone knows that." Chan furrowed his eyebrows.

Junhyeok snorted. “You just play a role. You enjoy pretending to be unreachable. Are you wrapping Alphas around your finger with that?" He twirled Chan's tie around his hand and pulled it a little tighter. "I know you think I'm smart."

“Yes, I do. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this position at all,” Chan replied bravely, leaning on the tabletop.

“And you're attracted to me. This is how it works between Alphas and Omegas,” Junhyeok continued, immediately coming closer.

Chan turned his head away. “Let me go." He pressed his hand against the other's chest.

“You try to resist me. But it’s in your nature to succumb to me." Junhyeok sprayed his pheromones on purpose. And yes, they smelled good. They were attractive. But that was not enough to cloud Chan.

“Everyone always thought you were so perfect. Good grades, good looks, good performance in sports, a great family, rich." Junhyeok made a scornful face.

Chan looked at him blankly. “You come from a wealthy family yourself. You're good at school. You’re the  _ head boy _ . Why are you so jealous?"

“I can have everything except you. Except love."

Chan paused. “Excuse me?"

Junhyeok tensed his arms and leaned his forehead against Chan's shoulder. The gesture was so surprising that Chan almost fell backwards. It was uncomfortable for him to sit there like this, but at that moment he felt how helpless and fragile the other was.

What did he mean by his statement?

Chan had said Junhyeok could not feel something similar to love. But maybe it was because nobody gave it to him?

Was he really sympathizing with that asshole right now? Seemingly. At least he had raised his hand and was about to put it on Junhyeok's head to caress it comfortingly. He would do that with his friends.

But Junhyeok was not a friend. So he pushed the other away. “I have no idea what you're telling me. But I'll go now,” he decided, but was thrown abruptly on the table, so that he groaned heavily. His back reported immediately the pain.

"You have experience with something like that, right?" Junhyeok growled, "It's not fair that you cling to Jinseok as if you were attached to him. You don't even wear a collar."

Chan looked at him confused. As before, the pain snaked its way down his spine and bit hard here and there. "I swear you’re so jealous."

Junhyeok ignored the remark. “Do you know what it means that you don't wear a collar? You belong to all Alphas. Like a slut."

Chan lifted his chest in disgust at the statement. "I only belong to myself." He tried to sit up, but Junhyeok pushed him back down on the wood.

“Come on. Show me your Omega tattoo. Where is it?" He unbuttoned Chan's shirt.

Now not only panic rose in Chan, but also nausea. “Hands off!" Chan kicked him, but Junhyeok grabbed his thighs, eliciting a sound of pain from him.

Junhyeok grasped his face and held it. "Attributes of an Alpha, but still the genetics of an Omega." He eyed Chan intently. “You're a bloody gem among all those pathetic Omegas. Yes, as if you were almost of value in contrast to the rest of that status."

"Asshole," Chan hissed and grabbed Junhyeok's wrist firmly.

"Fuck, you’re really strong." Junhyeok laughed softly. “And yet so unspeakably soft and fragile. You're beautiful."

Chan rolled his eyes back slightly as Junhyeok took his breath away by putting his hand on his neck. So much for: he could defend himself. He felt a little dizzy and could no longer specifically reach for Junhyeok to stop him. His first shirt buttons were now undone, but before the other could kiss him, the door swung open.

Immediately the pressure disappeared and he coughed slightly before looking at the door.

It was the nightmare Thong herself. “Chan, what are you doing here?!"

"Me?", Chan asked, irritated, and grabbed his neck.

“Such actions are not allowed in school. If you are out of control then maybe you should stay home."

Chan blinked. Could she not see that he had obviously been harassed? It would not be the first time that Omegas were attacked in school. But at the same time he lacked the necessary words. Additionally, practically nobody knew that he was an Omega in the first place.

The worst part was that the students could now peek into the room from the auditorium.

Chan went pale as a white sheet of paper and buttoned his shirt before sliding off the table. He left the room with an ashamed face. He could already hear the annoying whispering behind him.

That had been the final shot. Now people were confused, disgusted, suspicious. What if they got out of tomorrow's action?

He ran straight into Changbin who looked at him with concern. “I was wondering where you were. I was just about to go."

Chan hugged him tightly and had to hold back his tears.

Overwhelmed, Changbin returned the hug and looped his arms around the other. “Everything okay? What happened?"

"Not here," Chan muttered and pulled him behind the lockers. Shortly thereafter, he rattled off a short treatise of what had happened.

Changbin seemed confused because Chan had managed to explain everything within 50 seconds and he now had to process all of the information. "Chan ... you need to talk to Matt about it."

“I can’t! He’ll blame himself. Or he’s going to hurt Jun. And then he's thrown out of school and his parents can't afford another school in town and then he has to move away and- ”

"Now take a deep breath, my darling," Changbin stopped and grabbed his shoulders, "Please. Breathe calmly. Just like we always do before major swimming competitions. As you taught us."

Chan closed his eyes and steadied his breath.

“Good,  _ good _ . You're doing great,” Changbin reassured him, “And now you're concentrating on sports. After classes I’ll still be here. We have to organize the rest of the groups. And they will stick with us. Chan, these are people who support you, okay? They won't leave you behind for such stupid chatter."

The words actually helped and Chan could see a little more clearly.

“And you have to tell Matt about Junhyeok’s blackmailing. You have to. Don't do it for me, not for him. But for you. You'll feel better afterwards and that's what it's all about." Changbin looked at him seriously. “He chose to be with you. So he will also have to hold responsibility. You don't have to do everything by yourself."

Chan nodded tentatively. "I ... I’ll try."

* * *

In sports he was still completely off track. Too many thoughts crossed his mind. The rumor mill had probably broken out here as well, as people were giving him strange looks. All that was missing was for Matthew to speak to him about it. And he wanted to avoid it so badly.

Minho came up to him and pulled him aside. "Dude, I heard what happened!"

"Almost everyone did," Chan replied, somewhat dryly. He brushed his hair and sighed loudly. "And all of that drama just because of a stupid watch." He looked up when he saw Matthew. He wanted to sink into the ground immediately.

Somehow he was sure that Matthew was mad at him. Although they had just settled their last argument.

The older one came up to him and immediately hugged him. “Everything okay?" He stroked Chan's cheek, worried. "I heard strange things, but I wanted to ask you first."

That was a relief. Matthew did not seem to give a damn about rumors and preferred to inquire about Chan's welfare.

Chan's eyes welled with relief, but he held his tears back. “I'll explain it to you later. You have to get your dance grade first."

"Who cares about that now?"

“Me. It's okay,” Chan soothed him, wrapping his arms around the other's torso to hold him close. The smell of ginger calmed him down.

Sometimes he also wondered if Minho could sense Chan's pheromones.

Matthew said he smelled not that much, so Chan was pretty good at suppression by now (it was just damn exhausting and drained of his strength).

Since Minho was a Beta, his perception was not that strong. Even so, Chan was a little paranoid at times.

Matthew warmed up while Chan and Minho started playing soccer - their next topic in sports. But he could not really focus on it. That moment in the school council room kept going through his head.

Why did he get all the blame? It was unfair. However, he had seen this happen many times with other Omegas. Alphas were the knights in shimmering armor, after all. There was no way they would attack innocent people. And if they did, it was the way Omegas dressed and behaved which caused inconvenience.

When he saw that Matthew was about to be graded, he paused and looked over at him. He had also opted for modern dance, which was quickly evident from the music.

Chan watched him spellbound as he moved fluidly to the song. It looked like a sculpture which had been brought to life. And the only purpose of this life was to dance. Amazed, he stopped and followed the steps attentively.

The choreography was cleverly put together and also embodied the lyrics of the song appropriately. The postponement of one week was definitely worth it. The result was really nice to look at.

Matthew finished his choreography and gave a ridiculous curtsey, which made Chan roll his eyes.

Mrs. Jo said something to him that made him smile widely. Then he went over to Chan and Minho. “And?"

"That was really good," Minho said a little tense. He was still acting strangely around Matthew, but at least he was now able to suppress his childish reactions. “It looked really natural. What’s your grade?"

"A minus." Matthew stretched. "I lost my balance once, but the overall result was good." He hugged Chan and stroked his curls. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah … no, I don’t know," Chan whispered, inhaling the ginger scent. Then he realized that Minho was watching them.

"Do you want to tell me something?"

The two looked at each other in surprise.

"Um, we love you?" Matthew tried, making Minho sigh before laughing unexpectedly.

The rest of the gym class, Chan was pretty withdrawn and still worried about how the other students would react to him. The more he thought about it, the sooner the hatred toward Junhyeok built up.

Why did the other do that? He should be aware that he could never win Chan's heart that way.

As he was standing outside waiting for Minho and Matthew, he received a call. It was Bunny (he knew her real name by now, but Bunny just suited her better.) "Hey," he said as soon as he had answered.

“Chan! I just wanted to ask when we should start setting up the stand tomorrow."

"As soon as the school’s open," he replied, looking across the street. Some of the students went home now, happy to have come through this school day too. Since tomorrow was Open Day anyway, most of them were already in weekend mode.

“By the way, I saw what happened,” said the girl and hesitated, “I just wanted to let you know that we’re on your side. And the others too. You don't need the people who are leaving now anyway."

Chan smiled slightly. “Thank you. That means a lot to me." He hung up and turned to Minho.

"Are you okay?"

“More or less. If everything goes well tomorrow, then I'll be happy,” said Chan and slowly nodded. He eyed his counterpart and bit his lower lip. Then he decided to keep talking: "Minho, about Matt and me ..."

“I know." Minho smiled. “I know."

In the next second Matthew came out of the gym. "So, shall we go?"

Minho stuck out his chest and got into an epic pose. "Nothing and nobody can stop us!"

Matthew laughed and gave him a high five.

The moment of this little act of reconciliation was too good to destroy. Chan made a mental note to tell Matthew about Junhyeok's blackmailing soon.

Just not now.

* * *

_ I think the problem is that we ask too many questions. Is the glass half empty or half full? _

_ It does not really matter. You might be grateful that you even have a glass in the first place. _

  
  


Chan tapped the pen against his lower lip and hummed a little melody which spontaneously had come to his mind as he had written those words. He had been to his second therapy session earlier. They had not gotten much further, but at least Chan had spoken a little more.

He had confessed that he was planning a daring action and that he was a little afraid of it. Getting rid of those worries and receiving some tips on how to deal with the stress had actually helped him.

He picked up the box next to his laptop and swallowed two pills. Since he was used to the process, he did not even use water anymore.

Suddenly there was a knock on his door.

He raised his head in surprise. “Come in."

Shortly thereafter, Hannah stepped into the room in a dramatic way and raised her hairbrush and several hair ties in the air. “Beauty Time!” she exclaimed and jumped acrobatically into the upper nest to make her entrance more impressive.

"What do you mean by that?" Chan asked, confused.

“Mom bought you such nice clothes. I want to see them too! And then I'll braid your hair."

Chan checked his homework and was about to refuse. However, a voice in the back of his head stopped him.  _ Now have fun with your little sister again, Christopher! _ He smiled at his sister's verve and finally nodded before getting up and walking to his closet.

His mother had washed the clothes, apparently pleased that Chan wanted to keep them. Not that he would just be walking in public dressed like that anytime soon, but he had not had the heart to return the clothes. Even if he was incredibly angry with his mother at the moment, he did not want to destroy all of her good intentions.

While he was changing, Hannah sorted her hair ties by colour. She sang - as so often - "My Bonnie's Over The Ocean" to herself.

Chan opted for the black skirt with a purple and blue check pattern and combined it with a tight, black long-sleeved shirt. "Voila." He spread his arms and smiled at his sister.

"It looks really nice," commented his sister, "even if you could wear more bright colours."

Chan sat down next to her and had his curls braided. Meanwhile, his angel was talking about the day in kindergarten. Apparently she had discovered a new secret place on the hill and built a kind of shelter there.

"You should tell Matt about that," said Chan, "he always finds interesting places too."

"I'll do that!" she replied excitedly and put a clip in his hair, "Done!"

Chan got up and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes widened. “Wow." He blinked several times and hesitantly stepped forward until he carefully touched his reflection with his fingertips. “This is me?"

“Yes! And you look  _ hot! _ ” Hannah said with confidence while putting both thumbs up.

Chan snorted at her choice of words, but could not look away. The sight was ambivalent. On the one hand, he looked so much lovelier and gentler, on the other hand, the outfit emphasized his broad shoulders and arm muscles. He did not know what to think of it himself, but he quickly realized that he was not averse to the picture. It was something new, something different. However, it did not feel wrong or bad.

The front door slammed shut and their mother called for dinner.

"You can show mom how great you look right away!" Hannah said excitedly. She immediately grabbed his hand and dragged him downstairs into the dining room. "Look, mom!"

Their mother turned around and stopped at the appearance of her son. Slowly she x-rayed his appearance and then smiled very slightly. "Did you braid his hair?"

“Yes!"

“That's great." She nodded slowly. "You look good, Chan."

Chan was about to say something when the door swung open and his father entered the dining room.

"What is that?" he asked immediately and knitted his eyebrows.

"Dinner?" replied the mother lightly, putting the plates down.

"No, I mean ...  _ that _ ." The father pointed to Chan's clothes.

Chan wanted to sink into the ground immediately. Of course. Which Alpha wore skirts? Although he could hardly imagine that he would reject something like that because of his status. That would be ridiculous.

This time, too, he did not have a say because his mother interfered: “I bought it for him. The items were on sale and I thought he might like it."

"Now don't push him into this Omega thing."

"Maybe he wants that."

"Chan definitely doesn't want that."

His parents looked at each other almost hostile.

"Doowon, I don't feel like having this conversation," she said, nearly poisoned.

Her husband snorted. "I can say the same about myself."

"Stop you two!", Chan interrupted, "If you behave like this, then you can have dinner alone."

"Exactly!" Hannah agreed immediately, which made Chan smile.

After a few moments of tension, both parents lowered their verbal weapons and crouched at the table.

Dinner was pretty tense the whole time. Nevertheless, Chan took the outcome of this argument as a small victory for himself.


	48. "That means trouble."

When Chan got to school that morning, he felt so sick that he was afraid of throwing up on the doorstep. Perhaps it was also because he had bound the tie too tight around his neck this morning in the hope that he would appear more "confident" and "composed". At the moment, however, he felt like a mutated jelly with two stumpy legs while choking on his own school uniform.

But he held on, fought the nausea and decided to enter the building with his chin high up.

Some parents were already in the auditorium. His own parents did not have time because of work, but he was glad about that. If he was embarrassing himself today, at least he did not do it in front of them.

He immediately shook his head. No. No negative thoughts. It was not about him, but about the Hanju School and caretaker Mr. Kim. He was not like Junhyeok. The whole project was not there to feed his ego, but to help others.

"Chan!" Seungmin came up to him and grabbed his shoulder. “Finally you’re here. You can give your speech now. We have already set everything up." He pointed to the street signs which explained the different areas of the school. The auditorium had been decorated with beautiful flower pots by the garden club. Furthermore, a few students from the advanced art class had designed and hung up colourful posters.

The auditorium looked absolutely breathtaking. Chan had never seen it so alive.

“Matt took care of the set-up outside with the soccer team. The rest of us are walking down the hallways and checking everything shortly." He grinned. "And Junhyeok’s being held up by Soori in the secretariat."

Soori, of all people. Chan smiled at the thought that the leader of the martial arts group had been surprisingly cooperative in the past few days. Who would have thought they would cover each other?

"The curators?"

"Think that the Open Day won't start for two hours."

Chan nodded slowly and swallowed hard. "And Rector Jung?"

"As agreed, he has an appointment with the construction company that renovated the school."

Chan had no idea how Seungmin had squeezed this information out of the secretary. The principal was actually always very meticulous when it came to meetings outside of school. He did not want the students to notice that he was gone.

"It will probably take a while." Seungmin grinned confident of victory. “Chan, your planning was brilliant. The day's going to be great."

Those words took such a load off his shoulders. Chan could finally breathe again. All the sleepless nights had been worth it.

For now, at least.

He went over to Felix who was apparently taking care of the technical equipment. His cousin smiled broadly at him and handed him a microphone. "Hello, Mr. Head Boy. It's time for your speech."

Chan took the microphone. “I'm not the head boy. I'm just Bang Chan." He winked at him and cleared his throat. "Excuse me?"

The parents, students and a few teachers turned to him. The latter looked almost shocked that Chan was at the front.

In the same second he thought that the floor was being pulled from under his feet. Still, he tried to stay in the real world. He smiled a little nervously at Seungmin, who gave a thumbs up.

“Welcome to the Open Day! You will find the programs at the entrance. Plans for the construction of the school building are hanging in all corridors. I hope that this will help you find your way around our beautiful little town." He spread his arms, hoping that his presence would take up more space. “This town was built independently by all the students. Everyone has contributed something to present our school in its best splendor," he continued, “You may be aware that until a few years ago we were an all-boys school. But now we all work together and are happy about any kind of growth. No matter what gender and no matter what status."

By now all the attention of the auditorium was on him.

“We're not perfect, but we're trying to improve our school climate step by step. And we really want to continue growing together, so it would be nice if you took the time to look around here." An honest smile spread across his face as he was talking. “I wish everyone a fun day!"

The audience clapped and Chan put the microphone down with relief. Slowly the visitors dispersed and began to scour the corridors.

Chan's knees were still trembling. It was not the first time he had spoken to so many people. He probably just felt rusty. Or it was because he felt like a criminal who did not have the right to be in charge of this day.

“Chan?"

He turned to Mrs. Kwon, who eyed him skeptically. “I have no idea what you're up to, but I wouldn't get in the way of the head boy. You've been causing enough trouble lately. I don't want any of my best students to get into trouble."

Behind her stern look he could read her genuine concern, but his heart almost slid into his pants out of fear.

"I'm one of the curators," he mumbled, not very convincingly.

"You're not even on the school board anymore."

Before he could say anything, his gym teacher stepped in. “I think Chan gave a great speech. The visitors liked it. That's the most important."

Mrs. Kwon gave Chan a suspicious look before she sagged. "Well, I can't deny that." She cleared her throat and smiled timidly. "I think I'll take a look at all the great offers you were talking about." Her tone was hesitant, but apparently she did not dare to object any more (Mrs. Jo's presence was also a little intimidating at times).

Chan nodded and bowed respectfully. “That would be great." As soon as Mrs. Kwon was gone, he turned to Mrs. Jo. "Thank you," he said awkwardly.

His teacher smiled at him. “Don’t mention it. I'm glad you got back on your feet."

Chan did not know if he actually felt that steadfast, but he could not ponder over it for long. After all, he had to keep his supervision. So he decided to take a major tour to make sure everything was going well.

According to the program, the first live concert outdoors was supposed to take place at eight o'clock, so he went to the schoolyard, where the big band was already tuning their instruments.

Not all of the group were there, but at least some of them had been persuaded to spread a good mood. So it may have been a "small band," but there were electric guitars, trombones, saxophones, and a few percussion instruments. Most importantly, Dowoon from the level above Chan played the drums - otherwise the band would not work in the first place. His boyfriend Wonpil had gone along with him and agreed to play the piano, so at least the strongest members sat here, even if the line-up was a bit sparse overall.

The choir was warming up (led by Lia, who smiled nervously at him) and the orchestra was just getting organized on stage. Apparently they were the first act.

"I'm super nervous," Lia admitted as soon as Chan had approached her, "Luckily Chaeryoung’s helping with the organization."

She was just busy tuning her electric guitar. “Lisa! Turn the box on! "

The girl complied with the request, whereupon the chords rang deafeningly across the square.

“NOT THAT LOUD!"

Chan held his ears and furrowed his eyebrows, but smiled as positively as possible at Chaeryoung. As far as he had learned, she had gone through a lot of trouble getting into the big band earlier this year, as most of the people thought that only boys played electric guitars. Over time, however, she had established herself as a permanent member, not least because she was better than about 80 percent of the players. Besides her, two other boys decided to take part in the project today.

Chan found her quite likeable, not least because she was also from Australia. He was glad she was on his team.

The setup looked pretty coordinated, so there should be live music within the next few minutes. "What did you do with Mrs. Ahn?"

“Someone said the piano in the back room was out of tune. Somebody just got something stuck between the strings,” Lia explained, “That should keep her busy for a while. You know. Because she’s then totally upset about it and wants to find the person responsible."

"I hope the instrument won't break," mumbled Chan, "And then you just stole the grand piano from the music room?"

“Bingo."

He shook his head in amusement and looked around. A couple of parents already gathered in the front schoolyard with their children, apparently to take part in the concert.

"Can you make the announcement?" Lia asked, "Just let them know that first the orchestra, then the big band and finally the choir will perform."

Now that Chan was a little warmed up, he had no great problems announcing the concert.

The orchestra was more limited to a string quartet as there were not more students involved, but Chan thought it sounded really good nonetheless. Apparently the best string players in the orchestra had "accidentally" taken his side. At least they seemed completely enthusiastic about their participation in this project.

More and more parents, students and children gathered on the square.

“Mummy! I want to play the violin there too!” Chan heard when he decided to go back into the building to check out the theater club, which was scheduled to start at 8:30 am.

"If you are older, you can go to this school, sweetheart."

The statement made him smile and he hurried to check out at least one more course. He started in seventh grade, which had all sorts of games, challenges, and stations to keep the younger ones entertained.

He entered the brightly coloured corridor and was shocked when he saw the children sprinting past him. Briefly he peeked into all rooms and discovered a whole variety of games. Someone had set up a huge gameboard, there was a ball pit in an inflatable pool, slalom racing tracks, painting stations, card games and also small marathons with funny tasks. It was a bit chaotic, of course, because mostly the seventh graders had planned everything, but Chan liked the sight. The parents seemed quite surprised that there were hardly any teachers here, but they did not seem dissatisfied.

Chan almost had a heart attack when he turned around and bumped into Mr. Choi.

"Why is there no other teacher here?" he asked, confused and watched the children playing.

“Um, coffee break," Chan replied quickly, “But the kids have this under control! Don't you want to play a round too?" He pushed him into the crowd of children. “Somebody wants to play!” he shouted, whereupon the children cheered and pulled the teacher with them.

He wanted to refrain first, but when he saw the enthusiastic, round children's faces, he probably could not say "No" (and Chan also knew that Mr. Choi liked children quite a lot).

He quickly continued his way and stopped by the theatre group. The members had planned an improv lesson to present some of their methods. There was a good crowd of spectators here too, which pleased Chan.

He himself stayed briefly in the audience to watch what the actors were performing. Not all of the club were present, but the rest of them played with verve and joy. Those were really the people who probably did not care about the rumors and preferred to show solidarity instead of condemning Chan. Not everyone was close to him, but they were concerned about more important things.

After the Junhyeok incident, some had dropped out, but the number was manageable. Besides, these people did not show up in the first place, so at least they did not bother.

He could glimpse the baseball practice through the window, but he trusted the captain enough. Hence decided against going on the field himself.

Instead, he decided to stop by in eighth grade. He was really excited about that. For the seventh grade he had taken over the coordination with the help of Bunny, but the eighth grade had been directed by Jeongin since he was on that level himself. As far as he understood, his class had designed something like a haunted corridor to portray the horror of school.

When he walked down the dark corridor and saw cute ghosts running between the classrooms, he had to suppress a giggle. He entered a room in which a couple of parents were also standing with their children. The younger ones liked to hide behind mum and dad, while a few students at the front pointed to math formulas on the board.

“And then Casper, the little vampire, realized that even the calculator couldn’t do anything! This equation is impossible to solve!"

A werewolf yelped from the corner and the children wailed "Ohhhh" and "Nooo!".

It took Chan a second longer to spot Jeongin, who now stepped forward and took over the narration.

“The equations in math seemed invincible, bloody and merciless on the poor students' papers! But then the solution came! " He stepped down from the small dais and grabbed Chan’s hand. "Casper decided to ask a wise and ancient student who is far more experienced!"

Chan wanted to protest that he really was not "ancient", but when he saw the expectant faces of children, he could not help but surrender. So he tried to integrate himself into the acting and solved the equation step by step.

Jeongin then tossed powder through the air (probably for a supernatural effect), which shortly afterwards drew into Chan's lungs. But the applause was worth it and the parents also seemed to like the creative idea.

"If you want to know how the school spook is going on, please go to the next room for the Korean spook-disaster!" said Jeongin and bowed deeply.

"Great,” Chan whispered, "Keep it up!" He was just about to leave the room in a good mood when a child with giant claws jumped towards him. Shocked, he screamed in a high pitch.

The people behind him laughed (the kids the loudest) and he could not help but join in.

Next he aimed at the ninth grade, which had its "street" on the other side of the auditorium near the canteen. This motto ran in cooperation with the cooking club, as there were cafes with cake sales, restaurants and Bunny's drinks stand.

There you could mostly just relax. In addition, the parents had the opportunity to talk to each other there. Morning coffee was of course quite tempting for many, so the cafes were already a bit crowded.

He looked around for his friends, most of whom had helped organize. In one room he discovered Seungmin talking to Hyunjin while he was pouring coffee into some mugs.

“No, Hyunjin, we leave the prices like this. It's not about making a profit, it's about making a good impression."

"Yes, but our school could use a bit of money."

"But that's advertising and not a financial push, got it?" Seungmin sorted the napkins on the tray in a neat pattern.

The other students scurried through the classroom, trying to sort orders, pour drinks, and heave the right pieces of cake onto the plates. While most of them looked stressed, Seungmin appeared at most a little irritated because of the pressure. However, he did not allow himself to be overly disturbed, but dutifully did his job.

“There’s Chan. Ask him."

Hyunjin turned around. "Shouldn't we raise the prices?", he asked directly.

Chan shook his head. “Seungmin’s right. This is advertising. We can take care of the school financials another time."

Hyunjin sighed heavily and then nodded.

"Shouldn't you be in the swimming hall?"

"The relay doesn't start until 11 o'clock,” Hyunjin reminded him, "Meanwhile Jinyoung and Yunho take over." He took the tray, which Seungmin held out to him with a triumphant grin. All that was missing was that he laughed viciously.

"You’re lucky that you’re cute and thus master of my mind and spirit," Hyunjin uttered theatrically and carried the tray out of the classroom.

Seungmin looked after him, shaking his head. “What a drama queen."

"Otherwise everything’s fine?" Chan asked him.

He nodded. "I'll finish my shift and then take part in the second half of baseball training."

"And the choir performance?"

"Lia and I are switching for the second performance," Seungmin explained, and put the water on.

Chan patted him on the back. "And isn't that too much for you?"

“Nah, not really,” Seungmin waved off, “I think everything’s going on from now on. None of the curators can do anything. Junhyeok’s probably upset right now." He giggled softly. “The teachers are also completely overwhelmed. They don't know what to do. But the parents also seem wonderfully satisfied. So what are they supposed to complain about?" He hung tea bags in the cups and finally carried them away.

Chan peeked into the other classrooms, greeted Felix and Jisung and spoke briefly to Bunny again about the prices they were displaying.

Then he went outside to the courtyard, where the tour “The Seven Wonders of the Hanju School” was about to start. Of course, it was run by none other than Matthew, who knew almost every beautiful spot here. The tour was originally Chan's idea, but it had not been difficult to convince Matthew.

He was ready to give his tour and a small group had gathered on the schoolyard.

"You good?" asked Chan and gave him a short hug

“Everything’s great. I’m happy to do this." He looked around in the area, “As a first stop I’ve planned the rose garden of the garden club. They really spruced it up for today. Do you want to come along?"

Chan could not refuse, after all, he himself was very impressed by the botanical work of the members.

Matthew clapped his hands. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our exclusive tour 'The Seven Wonders of the Hanju School'! Today I will show you the top seven most beautiful places to convince you of the beauty of our school. By the way: these are clearly my personal favourites. But since I have good taste, that shouldn't be a problem."

He got a few laughs.

“Please follow me!"

Together they made a bow in the schoolyard and stopped in front of the small entrance to the rose garden. It was a little maze of hedges which reached up to Chan's waist. The variety was incredible.

The manager of the club had invested her own money in planting new roses, so the little miracles bloomed in all kinds of colours. The members were busy watering the flowers, cutting the hedges, and pulling weeds.

“Here you can see the popular rose garden! It’s glowing thanks to our dear club leader Tzuyu. The benches enable the students to take a relaxing break in nature. Perfect for switching off. As a high school student myself, I like to come here to take a break between studying." Matthew led the group between the hedges. “Children should learn more in and from nature. We don’t have just our garden, but also the meadows at the back with the small lake and the trees that provide shadows. The flowers planted there are also regularly loved and cared by our garden club. During the lunch break the auditorium’s always empty because all the lower levels always want to spend time outside."

The parents seemed to be taken with the ambience, some also commented on the beautiful flowers which basically smiled at them. Although the temperatures were now much colder, the garden flourished amazingly because the garden club had done everything to protect the roses extensively. 

Matthew tapped Tzuyu on the shoulder to get her attention.

She was quite a tall and very pretty girl who was as radiant as the flowers around her. She wore a flower chain in her hair - it was a lovely sight.

"And since I don't have a lot of knowledge about botany, I'll let the club leader talk about the different types of roses here."

Chan really liked Matthew's tour - it looked extremely natural. Although children were usually bored with tours, they seemed to be paying close attention. Chan would have liked to stay longer, as Matthew had planned to go up on the roof, look at the library and visit the cozy room of the upper levels with all those sofas and games. But he also had to stop by the martial arts group and rummage through the remaining corridors.

Immediately he went to the sports hall. On the way there he noticed that all the walls were sparkling clean. Mr. Kim had really worked hard after Chan had told him about his plans. The school really shone today, and he did not just imagine it.

In the hall, Chan watched the training session. As expected, there was an extremely large number of people here. When it came to martial arts, most of the visitors pricked up their ears. And the group here was pretty advanced too, so Chan could not blame people for queuing up here.

In a short pause he pulled Soori aside. “That was really good,” he said, “thanks for taking part in this. Even after what happened yesterday."

“My sister's watching. I couldn't just step out. Rumors mean nothing. We let our fists speak," Soori replied and then fell silent. Apparently he was thinking.

"What about Junhyeok?" asked Chan.

“He wanted to go to the auditorium, but I didn’t see him after that. You should avoid him as much as possible."

Chan nodded. "Thanks for the distraction."

Almost embarrassed, Soori waved him off. "It's okay. I somehow owed it to you."

Chan looked at him irritated. "Why that?"

“For the punching bag that was on the stairs. You know. When the book club couldn't go into their club room."

Chan blinked in surprise before grinning. "Already forgiven, man." He gave the other a high five and then left the hall again.

Next on his list was Changbin's level. The idea for the subgroup motto actually came from Changbin himself. After all, he had taken care of the sewing club and finally considered opening a kind of shopping mile in this corridor. Economically valuable articles aimed at durability and environmental friendliness were sold. The students also offered homemade items (the parents particularly liked those).

It was pretty spontaneous, but someone had come up with the idea that the money could be donated. Chan then had made countless phone calls, had sent around 10,000 emails and then had gotten in touch with a local organization for orphanages, so that the corresponding flyers were everywhere.

The stands were nicely sorted and clearly laid out. Furthermore, the parents, the older students were more likely to hang around here.

"This campaign’s so great!"

“Yes, I also know the head of the organization. Crazy, she only told me about it yesterday and then it's this school!"

"Those responsible have done a great job."

Chan followed the conversation with a bright smile, then looked at all of the items on offer. He smiled and also approached some students to thank and praise them for their work.

He almost had a heart attack when somebody approached him from behind. There were a couple of parents with their children.

“You held the speech earlier, right? Are you the head boy?”, asked a woman. She was in her mid-30s.

Chan shook his head vehemently. “Oh, no, no! I’m not the head boy. I only organize the whole thing here with my friends."

“Then I have to say that I’m very impressed. I like the climate very much and will definitely register my daughter for the next school year."

Chan looked at her in shock before bowing. “Thank you! That means a lot to me. I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay here." He smiled broadly as he felt the warmth in his chest almost vibrate. He had the feeling that he could just fly away now. "Sorry, but I have to go on."

"Don't let yourself be dissuaded from your duties," the woman replied with a smile.

Chan leaned down to the girl. "By the way, I'm very happy that you want to join us. Then we’ll definitely see you again soon,” he said friendly, whereupon the girl nodded eagerly and then hid behind her mother, embarrassed.

Now Chan had to hurry if he did not want to miss the season. So he ran out of the school building to rush to the newly renovated swimming pool. He had not even been there before (after all, he was not really part of the team anymore).

When he entered the room with the basins, he was amazed. The tribune was expanded significantly and the tiles on the edge of the pool were also new. Chan had always liked the swimming pool, but it had looked a bit shabby. Now everything seemed tighter, more modern. It also apparently made a good impression, as many visitors were already sitting in their seats.

Hyunjin waved to Chan and grinned. “And?"

“It looks great here. I also like the decoration. How do you swim?"

“We do individual disciplines first and then the relay, without a competition. Just so that the audience can understand how it works." Hyunjin finally cleared his throat and raised his voice: “Welcome to our swimming club! I hope you are in a good mood!"

There was cheering in response.

Chan was not surprised that Hyunjin acted like a magnet. The fact that he looked absolutely stunning in jammers made it pretty easy to gain attention.

“We first swim individual disciplines: back- and breaststroke, butterfly and then freestyle. We offer everything here in this club: basic courses, courses for advanced users and additional training units. This year we are qualified for the semi-finals of the rural swimming competition for students, so we hope that our skills will convince you."

The audience applauded.

"Before we start, I also wanted to introduce the founder of the swim team." Hyunjin put his hand on Chan's shoulder. "Bang Chan!"

People applauded louder, which made Chan's face blush. "Hyunjin," he muttered.

“Without him, we wouldn't be where we are today. I really wish he could swim for you today as well, but he’s currently on hiatus because of his health restrictions," continued Hyunjin, "but what you will see here is mostly his work." He clapped his hands again. "Well, let's get started!"

Almost embarrassed, Chan returned to the stands and watched his former team. As he observed the disciplines, he realized how much he missed swimming in competitions. The adrenaline, the feeling, the freedom were irreplaceable for him. Parkour running came close to this sensation, but there was a very special connection between him and the water.

He would have liked to stay longer, but he soon had to move on because he would be responsible for the live music in the auditorium from 11.30 am. It was not a big deal, but he, Jisung and Changbin had decided to play as DJ to keep people upbeat.

When he entered the auditorium, however, he wanted to turn right back on his heel because he saw Mrs. Thong. However, Jisung was already setting the speakers to play some music. Hence it was impossible to leave him alone.

So he joined him a little nervously and smiled at him.

“Everything okay?" Jisung looked back worriedly and frowned.

"Mrs. Thong …," Chan mumbled and glanced over at the teacher, who seemed confused by all the signs and posters. With trembling hands, he connected his launchpad.

“She isn’t able to complain. This project is already running like clockwork,” Jisung calmed him down and took the microphone, “Hello, hello! I hope you’re in a good mood. My buddy and I have pretty good music ready just for you and we hope that we can make your time here even a little better." Immediately he played the first song and nudged Chan so that he would dance along with him.

Chan wanted to be as relaxed as possible, even if he noticed that Mrs. Thong was practically staring at them. At some point he stood at his launchpad and tapped a suitable rhythm.

People seemed to enjoy the music and stayed here in the auditorium for a little break. At least that way Ms. Thong did not have the opportunity to speak to him during this. It was obvious, after all, that people were having fun here. She could not possibly just interrupt that without looking like a complete idiot.

Changbin soon joined them to replace Chan. He took the opportunity halfway ninja-like to sneak away so he could check the corridor of his own level. The planning for this had initially been done by himself until he had chosen different students. They were now helping to keep the corridor going as curators.

In the eleventh grade, the offers were based on different scientific institutions. Quite simply, the specialist rooms were presented in various ways. Since the older students had significantly more experience, the advanced courses in biology, physics and chemistry were able to demonstrate the equipment without any problems, doing some experiments. The whole thing was done in cooperation with the IT club, as the computer room was just around the corner on the same floor.

The concept was much more complex, so there were not too many children hanging around here (they were only here to admire the colourful experiments of the chemistry class). The corridor was dominated by potential students. And to Chan's surprise, there were also a few girls.

“Well, at first I thought that the Hanju school was totally filthy, but it’s so beautiful! Maybe I'll convince my mother that I'll move to this place when our old school closes after this year,” Chan heard as he walked by.

“Yeah. The guys I spoke to in the hallways were really nice to me too!”

"I didn’t expect that at all."

Chan entered the physics room and saw Minho standing behind the desk. His physics teacher, Mr. Song, was even nearby. Apparently he did not mind that the students had planned everything on their own. Rather, it looked like he was observing the experiment with huge interest.

“And when I turn on the electricity here, only lamp number one lights up. The resistance up here is too strong. You can imagine that the electrons are slowed down a bit,” Minho explained to the audience,“ Who knows the formula for the resistance?”

A girl answered. "Voltage divided by amperage."

“Good. Have you ever considered joining our school?" Minho winked at her. "Then we could work together more often."

The girls in the group started giggling, which made Chan roll his eyes, a bit amused.

"You can get boxes now and then experiment a bit yourself," Minho continued, whereupon the people helped themselves to the equipment.

Chan smiled and hugged Minho. "You good?"

“Yes, Somin’s leading the experiments for waves in the next room. She’s really good,” said Minho.

"You two seem to get along quite well," replied Chan with a smile.

“Whatever you say, Captain," Minho mumbled, "How was Matt's tour through the school?"

"I haven't seen that much, but it looked promising." Chan gazed at the clock. “Oh crap, I have to go to the auditorium. The gymnasts wanted to do their performance right there and I promised to help set the equipment up."

“So my people and I have everything under control here. Matt's second tour is almost over, so you can send him up here if you see him."

Chan nodded and left the corridor to return to the auditorium. The gymnasts had already started to set up there, so he hurried to lend a hand, lay out the runner and pad the floor under the balance beam with mats. He called up the prepared music file on his laptop and grabbed a microphone. And again he spotted Mrs. Thong staring at him with hostility. He swallowed hard, but tried to undermine the queasy feeling and concentrate on his task.

"I hope you've had a wonderful day so far," he said and people cheered in response, "I'm glad to hear that. The last program items are coming up and I have the honor to present one of our highlights to you. Our elite gymnasts have prepared an exclusive performance for you on the mats and on the balance beam. Since the girls’ reinforcement, the team has even been able to take part in the auditions for the national youth gymnastics competition!"

Vivid applause echoed through the auditorium.

"I hope you enjoy the stage!"

Not all of the gymnasts were there either. It was mostly the girls, but three boys had taken pity on joining the Open Day. Chan had no personal contact with them, but they seemed to be pretty positive about him.

The performance was still great. On the mats, the athletes performed cartwheels, aerials, handstands and front handsprings with great elegance. The audience could not stop cheering. 

Chan had a lot of fun putting on the right music. As soon as it was the turn of the balance beam performance, he played dramatic songs, as some elements were very daring and the audience did not just gasp for breath once.

Changbin had helped set up the "All In" soccer tournament outside, which was open to all ages. As soon as he was done, he was once again there to replace Chan.

So Chan was able to take a look outside and watch the tournament for a while. It was heartwarming to see how students played with each other and how parents again showed a little childlike joy when they chased across the field with their own kids. Taehyung was great at generating motivation and getting people moving.

Jisung played host for this tournament and he was  _ perfect _ for it. Chan had thought so many times that he was a natural entertainer. And now this talent was very beneficial to the event.

At the end of the tournament, everyone hooted and clapped for the good and fair games which had been played. Now was the perfect time for the grand finale: the second live concert out here. This time the acts should be extended to end the day properly.

The string quartet, the big band and the choir were probably warmed up as they entered the stage with presence and energy and were determined to make one last good performance.

The students danced like mad and the parents clapped to the rhythm. Some held their children on their shoulders so that they could watch the people on stage.

Chan met Momo in the crowd.

She hugged him. “Thank you for organizing this! This is the best day ever!”, she yelled over the music.

“Are you kidding me? I could’ve never done it without you!", Chan replied loudly, "Thank you for believing in that project."

“We believe in  _ you _ . Jinyoung and Mark would never let you down."

Before Chan could reply, the music suddenly stopped. Startled, he looked to the front and saw the principal standing on the stage.

Everything was in slow motion. How the students left the stage. How the children dropped their fists. How the mood immediately grew cooler.

Suddenly, Chan was grabbed by the shoulder.

"Shit, I didn’t think that Jung would come back to school today,” Seungmin hissed, "That means trouble."

"What's going on here?", asked the headmaster directly into the microphone.

Silence.

People were all too shocked to even react. Some did not even understand what was going on.

Finally Chaeryoung stepped forward. Chan had to admit that she looked pretty epic with her electric guitar in this pose. “Guess what. We're having the best day ever." She took the microphone. “Right, guys?"

And finally the noise level was raised again. The parents, students and children clapped wildly and cheered. A few even whistled loudly between their fingers.

Mr. Jung seemed quite surprised, but his gaze softened. That did not surprise Chan at all. The principal was in himself a very kind and understanding man, although he could appear very strict at times. He only wanted the best for school. Accordingly, he was rarely a real spoilsport.

So he nodded hesitantly, but approvingly. "Well, Junhyeok did a great job there"

Chan's heart sagged. Right. Actually, the head boy should organize this day. So why was he triumphant over his success if he did not have the right to stand here?

"That wasn't Junhyeok!" someone suddenly shouted from the crowd.

Several protests rang out at once. The call of someone brave had triggered a whole wave. Students from different grades raised their hands and spoke out against the rector's words.

Chan did not know what to feel or think at all. At that moment he was completely overwhelmed.

"But ... who was it then?" asked Mr. Jung, visibly confused.

“Chan!"

"It was Bang Chan!"

"Bang Chan!"

The students now called his names almost like they were singing a chorus.

Chan felt dizzy because everything seemed so surreal to him that he could not help but cry. The tears flowed down his face as he looked around and watched students bellow his name.

He had been so confused and lost lately that it seemed like everyone was against him. But here were the people who supported him. And even if there were fewer people than before those rumours, their votes counted. Those who usually showed off at school were either quiet or not here at all.

Chan wiped his face and was about to step forward to take responsibility for this project.

However, Thong came on stage and stood next to the rector. “Exactly. It was Bang Chan. I've been watching him all day and it was a mess. The kids did everything independently. The students from highschool should actually take over the curatorial work, but instead the children have been fidgeting through the whole building." She had now come so close to the principal that she herself spoke into the microphone. So everyone could hear her loud and clear.

Isolated boos came from the crowd, but Mrs. Thong ignored them.

“And I spoke to Junhyeok earlier. He had no idea what was going on."

The principal looked at her a little overwhelmed.

“Chan has obviously broken several rules at the same time. He resisted the head boy, had the sports hall and swimming pool as well as the schoolyard and the soccer field occupied without permission, simply used the equipment in the music room, allowed the speciality rooms to be used without the supervision of the teachers, set up the equipment from the sports hall in the auditorium and put up posters and signs without registering them. Besides, he must have stuck something between the strings of the piano from the back room. That could also count as vandalism."

Chan stood there frozen as he let all the accusations rattle over him. His world broke again while he looked ahead to the stage in astonishment. It seemed like the whole day was being played backwards in his head to the point where he had almost thrown up in front of the door this morning.

It was true. He had broken dozens of rules.

And now he was totally screwed. 


	49. "I wanted to tell you that I'm proud."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome back.
> 
> Sorry that it took me longer than usually. After the last chapter I needed a bit of rest. These days have been kinda stressful. Or at least I feel very weird. 
> 
> But that's not the topic right now! I hope you have fun reading.

30 seconds.

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

For 30 seconds, Chan had been simply staring at the clock on the table in front of him.

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

“I asked you something."

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

Chan slowly looked up. He felt like a deer which had been shot. Now he was slowly croaking on the ground in the forest, breathing into the leaves and counting the seconds to the end. Only to find out that the group of hunters was still standing around him, waiting for him to do something. He was already wounded. He was broken. Why should he even react in any way if everything went nowhere?

“It… was just a stupid idea,” Chan began hesitantly, wrapping his own arms around himself, “and then it became a draft. And then a plan. And finally a mission." He exhaled, trembling, avoiding eye contact with the rector, who nearly pierced him with his eyes. The inside of his cheek was pretty sore now from biting it too much.

He did not want to look at anyone. Especially not his parents, who sat next to each other on his right side and apparently expected an explanation from him.

He swallowed hard and looked at his clasped hands. “I was hoping that more students would come to our school. The reputation has suffered badly lately. I wanted everyone to have a good day." His tongue was like the Sahara. Inexpressibly rough and dry.

“That’s very noble of you. But you’ve given up your position as head boy, so this task isn’t in your power." Headmaster Jung sighed loudly. "I understand your intentions, but I cannot overlook the fact that you didn’t violate one rule, not two rules, but rather several paragraphs." He leaned forward and studied Chan over the edge of his reading glasses. "And I’m aware that you know the school rules better than anyone.”

Oh yeah. Chan did know the school rules. He had been aware of his actions at all times. Still, he had pulled this project off. Why? Was it an act of selflessness? Or had he hoped that all of a sudden everything would turn out fine? That he could "defeat" Junhyeok and reclaim his position as head boy?

Unfortunately, that was not a perfect novel, not a film, not a series. In this case the hero only perished and no one valued his deeds because they were not "in accordance with the rules".

“I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to suspend you for a week. Then you come to detention for two more weeks on Thursday and Friday."

“That doesn't work,” Chan's mother now interfered in the conversation, “Chan goes into therapy on Thursdays.”

His father gasped barely audibly. Oh, right. He did not know anything about it yet. But did it matter now?

"I see," replied the principal with a strange undertone, "Well, it’s good that you take care of your private problems."

Chan had nothing more to say at all, so he just sat there and waited for this conversation to finally pass.

“Then you'll be detained on Tuesdays and Fridays instead. We'll find a teacher." Mr. Jung cleared his throat, as the situation was gradually becoming uncomfortable for him. "Do you have anything else to say?"

"Are you going to punish my friends?", Chan asked quietly.

Mr. Jung looked at him in surprise. "Well ... as far as I’ve heard, your friends took part in the planning and are therefore responsible. Especially Kim Seungmin."

No. Not Seungmin.

Seungmin was an absolute top student. His mother would likely cry and then faint from worry because this rebellion was absolutely not his normal behaviour. Chan had established himself somewhere as "the strange rebel student" (although his grades spoke against it). Therefore he could cope with his damaged school career.

"My friends were just helping me out a bit,” lied Chan, "Everything they did was planned only by me."

_ “Everything?" _

Chan did not even flinch. “Everything. I’m fully responsible for what happened today." He fought an intense staring competition with the school principal until he sighed softly.

"You know that I have to extend your suspension in this case."

“That's bullshit,” interrupted Chan’s father.

Chan gave him a venomous glance. "Dad!"

"No, I can't just watch my son getting suspended like this!"

Apparently the rector had already expected this reaction, as he remained extremely calm. "Mr. Bang, please calm down. I know this is a difficult situation. But your son broke the rules. It may have been for a good reason, but it's still against the school rules."

Before the father could say anything, Chan interfered: "Leave it." He averted his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself. "I just want to go home."

The depressed mood followed him out into the corridor, because with the best will in the world the tension did not let up. As soon as he left the room, he looked for his friends.

Everyone basically attacked him and talked like crazy. But it did not reach Chan. As if he were deaf now. So he just stared straight at them.

"Now leave the poor boy alone," complained Changbin, trying to get the group under control.

"What did Jung say?", asked Seungmin with an iron face.

Chan blinked several times, as if he had to get back to reality first. "Suspension for two weeks and four detentions."

The boys gasped in sync.

"That can't be true!", Felix uttered indignantly, "Thanks to you, the fucking school won't be closed!"

"That would really be an exaggeration," muttered Chan and backed away. He did not want his friends to see how broken he was inside. Because he had lost. He could not possibly win this fight.

“And ... and the students had fun! No one was hurt!”, Hyunjin agreed eagerly.

"All because of that stupid Thong cow!", Jeongin growled and clenched his fists.

The group complained loudly while Chan's parents waited quietly in the background. At least they did not feel the need to throw their own comments into the conversation.

"What can I do anyway?", Chan whispered, "I'll endure it and then we'll see."

The boys complained loudly, but stopped when Matthew gently pushed them aside. He walked slowly up to Chan and took his hand.

“You were wonderful today,” he whispered softly, “You were brave. You were strong. You were selfless."

Every word made Chan feel a little pang in his heart. He looked up at the other with watery eyes.

“You are a leader, Chan. You proved that today."

He had proven nothing! His entire life just seemed to be screwed up. He knew Matthew meant it, but he made it sound like everything was fine. The situation was just a mess. He looked at his boyfriend doubtfully.

Matthew pulled Chan into a hug, which was only gently returned. He leaned back and looked depressed at the younger one.

And then he kissed Chan.

Just like this.

It was a small but sweet and lovely kiss. Not a bit hasty, but full of patience and understanding.

Chan hesitated for a moment, but decided to return it. He held Matthew's neck and smiled weakly. "Don't forget the dinner."

“I won’t."

The other boys made huge eyes (except for Changbin). Even if Minho had already suspected it, he had not expected that the two would now admit their relationship so bluntly in public. However, this moment was incredibly vulnerable - maybe that was why there was no better time.

Chan waved to his friends and then went down the stairs in front of his parents. He could not bear to look at them, so he fixed his gaze strictly forward. Students kept talking to him, thanking him for the nice day. Other students gave him pejorative looks.

At the entrance he saw Junhyeok talking to the caretaker. “So you only started painting over the other walls when Chan told you to do so? He's not even the head boy!"

"I wanted the school to look good when visitors come," said Mr. Kim angrily and the next moment he saw Chan, "Chan! It's good that I see you."

"Mr. Kim ... I organized students to tidy up outside. The other classrooms are cleaned from the respective levels. You can go home for today."

“I already noticed that. Thank you." He smiled broadly. "Those are your parents?" he asked as he looked past Chan.

Chan nodded silently.

“Then they can be proud. That was the best Open House I’ve ever seen in my 25 years here." Convinced, he nodded and patted Chan on the shoulder. “I hope you’ll be responsible for the organization again next year. But then ... you know, a little more officially."

Chan smiled weakly. “I doubt it."

Junhyeok gave him a sharp look and crossed his arms, almost annoyed. "I can't believe you manipulated me and my curators."

Now Chan could not contain himself anymore. He was already suspended and punished anyway. Gradually he really did not have the endurance to let all this crap grow at his expense. “Basically you’re always manipulating others! Now don't pretend I've done something bad. I helped more students in a day than you did in a month. Fucking deal with it." Without waiting for an answer, he trudged past Junhyeok.

Before he knew it, he started running outside, leaving everyone behind.

* * *

Chan had not been out for long. He had merely taken his time on the bike before deciding to head home. Actually, he just wanted to stay in his room. Even if he did not have a lock, his nests were there and he would certainly feel so much better wrapped up in those blankets.

When he got home, he immediately snuck into his room and looked around restlessly. He immediately grabbed his pills and swallowed five at a time, hoping they would calm him down quicker. He threw himself on his bed and buried his face in the pillows. Inevitably he sobbed into it because the dam finally broke.

Desperate, he grabbed his forearms and scratched over them, clutching them as if he could hold onto reality. His mind broke away from his body. It almost felt like he was watching himself go insane.

"Chan?"

He raised his head and looked at Hannah, who was standing in front of the door frame.

The tears kept streaming down his cheeks. In an impulse he spread his arms and looked shattered at his sister.

The girl tripped over the pillows on the floor as she rushed over to him and clumsily crawled into his lap before wrapping her thin arms around his neck. Inevitably she started crying as well, although she did not even know what was happening.

That was the first time Chan really let go.

He sagged and probably cried every millimeter of body fluid out of himself. Apparently his tears flowed from an inexhaustible source because he just could not stop. He could not even say what exactly made him break this way, finally let these walls fall, indulge in this desperation. But this indefinable sensation shook him inexorably and caused the painful pulling in his chest.

Perhaps this disclosure was possible because Hannah kept it simple. She did not understand everything which was going on around him. Nevertheless, she was the one who dared to show up without wanting to judge him. She was just there to hug him. With that she gave him what he had needed all along. And she did it without asking for anything in return. She did not expect anything from him and took an incredible weight off his shoulders.

"Better?", she asked after a while and leaned back to stroke Chan's wet cheeks with her soft and tiny hands.

"A little," sniffed Chan.

Hannah got up and took a packet of handkerchiefs to give it to him.

Chan accepted it gratefully and blew his nose. An incredible pressure had built up in his head, but he was also happy to let his emotions literally flow.

"Should we watch a film?" he offered and grabbed his laptop.

"I would rather hear your songs." Hannah snuggled into the nest and looked at him expectantly.

Chan turned his head away, embarrassed. "I don't really have anything prepared ..."

"But I always hear you play."

Chan sighed softly. "I don't think the world’s ready to hear what I have on my laptop." He smiled gently. "Another time, angel."

Finally he heard a gentle knock.

To Chan's great surprise, his father stood in the doorway and looked at him with a strange look. "Hannah, sweetie. Can you go over for a moment?"

Hannah eyed him skeptically and shook her head. "Nope. You'll just yell at Chan again." She crossed her arms stubbornly and appraised him challengingly. "I stay right here."

The father shook his head slightly. “Nobody will be yelled at here. Promised."

The two fought a small, silent battle until Hannah reluctantly gave in. She slid off the mattress and gave Chan an apologetic look.

As soon as she had left the room, his father closed the door (if that was even possible without the handle and lock). He walked slowly up to Chan and sat on the edge of the bed.

Chan immediately slid away from him and pressed his back against the wall.  _ What comes next?  _ He was sure his father was maddened. No one, including Chan himself, would have expected him to be suspended in this life. From a flawless student to a problem child. What an elegant dive with a violent crash landing included.

Since his father did not dare to say anything, Chan spoke up: "You can say it." He swallowed hard and avoided eye contact. "Tell me how disappointed you are."

His father jerked his head up. "I'm not disappointed."

Chan eyed him suspiciously and pulled his legs to his chest. Up until now he was very poorly able to assess the situation.

Almost embarrassed, his father cleared his throat and kneaded his hands. "I wanted to tell you that I'm proud."

_ What? _

Chan was so overwhelmed that he could not even say his thoughts out loud. The connection to his language center was probably cut off because his mouth did not move an inch and he looked at the other as if he were spellbound.

“After you left, some parents came up to us and told us what happened today. They were very impressed and assumed that you were the head boy."

Chan was still completely silent. As quiet as a capsized shipwreck at the rock bottom of the sea.

“And they raved about how passionately you guide the students there. Like a true leader." Now his father looked directly at him. "No matter what the rector said: You did the right thing."

Chan snorted slightly and shook his head. “In that case there's hardly any ,right’ or ,wrong’. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here."

"I think that has more to do with responsibility and fairness."

That made Chan roll his eyes. “Now don't start talking about that. You haven't given a damn what I feel for the past few weeks. And you weren't particularly fair either." He did not want to be so harsh now that his father met him on a conciliatory level. But he could not help it. All the anger did not just go away like that. The events had all been real and had left scars.

His father bowed his head in resignation. "I know. I'm just afraid. This situation's so difficult and new." He glanced at Chan's pills. "And they help?"

"Dad," Chan replied annoyed, "I know what I'm doing." A lie. However, he did not want to be the loser again. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand because new tears were already coming. The day was a complete emotional chaos.

“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think it's good what you've done. I know that you have Alpha qualities inside of you."

"But I'm not an Alpha."

His father nodded slightly. "Yes … no. I mean, you're so much better than an Alpha."

The words would have been touching under any circumstances. Only not under these. Chan was not stupid. Three seconds longer and he knew what was actually going on. "You're happy because people still think I'm an Alpha."

And there it was. The caught face. Chan just knew his father too well.

"If the project had failed today and had people told you that I was a terrible coordinator, you wouldn't have started this conversation," he continued, raising his eyebrows in a challenging manner.

His father did not answer. But silence was enough in that case.

"Why is it so important what the others think?", Chan asked frustrated and tilted his head slightly back. After all, he was annoying himself with his paranoia about other people's opinions. Nobody needed to do that now as well.

“Society is cruel. I don't want you to become a victim of it." There was something about his father's undertone which gave Chan away that this was not really his intention.

"Dad, whatever your experience is:  _ That's a you-problem. Got it?" _ Chan stated, "I can't change who I am. I would love to hide for the rest of my life, but sooner or later I have to reveal my status. What do you want to do then? Abandon me?"

His father looked at him desperately. "I'd never do that."

“Then you have to accept that I'm now learning to deal with this. And you have to accept that I'm with Matt." Chan's voice sounded determined now. “You have to come to this dinner tomorrow. At least give him a chance."

"I know he's nice," protested his father, rubbing his hair.

Chan frowned in irritation. "What's the problem then?"

“Just because you're nice as a person doesn't mean your status can't change that. You don't understand what a difficult phase this is."

Chan groaned annoyed. "I  _ am _ in this phase."

Then his father shook his head vigorously. “No, it's completely different for Alphas. You think that only Omegas have it rough, but that's not true."

Actually, Chan had never assumed that. After all, he had a lot of contact with Matthew and could see that all the hormones burdened him just as much and that he could react very emotionally in some cases. Even if in different directions than Chan himself. However, he just saw the opportunity to tickle something out of his father, so he remained silent and waited for the other to continue.

"You know what happens when Alphas are verified?"

The question confused Chan, so he just lifted both shoulders.

“Alphas have privileges as soon as they are verified. You can go to bars, drink alcohol, smoke, get their driver's license-"

“I get it. What do you mean by that?”, Chan interrupted him.

His father searched a little awkwardly for suitable words. “You can quickly go overboard. People who were originally really nice and humble, succumb to their aggressions, the power play, their own desires. Alphas tend to want to take everything because they can."

Chan let the words sink in and thought about them. Until now, he and Matthew had never spoken of the fact that the older one now had much more privileges. Most things he could not afford with his financial situation anyway, so it was probably not a really big issue.

“By 'people' you actually mean yourself, don't you?”

The statement floated ominously in the room. The silence grew dry and uncomfortable, but neither of them dared to break it. So they waited.

For whatever.

Chan's thoughts tumbled wildly through his head. So it was actually a personal problem for his father. But which one exactly? Had he been like one of those creepy, power-abusing Alphas too? Chan had never really imagined it. Although his energetic actions lately could well be indications of previous aggressions.

"Dad, you can talk to me about it," Chan encouraged him a little more gently at some point. His anger had clearly ebbed now. He had come across granite here. And he wanted to drill through this rock too.

His father's shoulders slumped. "Alphas have great qualities, you know?" He began incoherently, "They are strong, independent, down to earth, determined and ambitious." Pause. “And then there are the bad qualities. They are selfish, arrogant, control freaks, sometimes without empathy, and they long for influence and power. In doing so, they miss their duty to protect others." Slowly he looked at the wall of the room, on which were all the shiny medals for Chan's outstanding achievements in school and in sports. "You just inherited the great qualities from me."

Chan wanted to inquire, but his father got up.

"I'll leave you alone. I also have to do something for work." Before he left the room, however, he paused again and turned his head to face him. “I'll come with you for dinner tomorrow. Even if I don't believe that Jinseok's any different."

Chan stared silently at the spot where his father had been sitting a few seconds ago. Finally he grabbed his diary.

_ Update: Dad needs therapy too. _


	50. “And I have to confess something to you."

"I'll embarrass myself," lamented Matthew. He was sitting at a table with Minho and looking at the cutlery in front of him. Of course he would be a pure chaos at the dinner. In those 17 years of his life he might have dined in one restaurant. And that was certainly not nearly as noble as the place Chan had chosen.

“No, it's really not difficult. You always take the cutlery from the outside and then you move further to the inside,” Minho explained, “Open the napkin, fold it once and then place it in your lap. Always sit up straight and that's it. You can do it." He smiled encouragingly. "Speak clearly when you order and thank the waiters, but only if it really fits. Otherwise it seems rather intrusive."

Matthew leaned back with a sigh and stared at the ceiling. “It's going to be a catastrophe anyway. Chan's dad hates me."

Minho frowned in confusion. “Why that? You practically don't know each other at all."

"He's got these clichés about Alphas in his head ..." Matthew mumbled, realizing too late that Minho did not know anything about Chan's status.

“But isn't he an Alpha himself? And he also wants Chan to be an Alpha, doesn’t he?"

Matthew swallowed hard. "Well, dads always scare away their daughters' boyfriends, even though they are male themselves," he tried to talk himself out of.

“Your relationship seems really complicated. I've been waiting for you to do your move for over a decade, and now we're in such a mess." Minho shook his head. "By the way, yesterday I was almost overrun when the others kept asking if I had known something the whole time."

It was a little strange that they were talking again. But it had always been like that when they argued. After a while it leveled off again and they began to have halfway normal conversations until they felt comfortable enough. It had taken longer this time, but they could not be mad at each other forever.

Matthew shrugged and scratched his head. "I don't know how things will be with me and Chan myself," he admitted, "But it will be a step forward if you help me not to be a complete disaster tonight."

"I think I owe that to you," Minho replied lightly and scratched his head in embarrassment, "I haven't really apologized for my asshole behaviour too." He exhaled audibly. "I'm sorry.”

"Me too," replied Matthew, cocking his head slightly, "but where does the sudden change of mindset come from?"

Minho laughed softly. “Somin stopped me at school the other day. We talked a little and I kinda like her." He chewed his lower lip, embarrassed. “I … Jin, I was just scared. We’ve known each other since kindergarten and you just ... somehow ... have a special place in my circle of friends." It was lovely how he pushed around his statement.

Usually, Minho did not like deep conversations. He liked to crack jokes and be superficial as he was not really good at expressing his emotions.

“You’re special to me as well. That won't change. But I also wanted to meet new people."

Minho nodded barely perceptibly.

Matthew looked at him sharply and frowned. "There’s still something depressing you."

Minho shrugged his shoulders, caught. He stared out the window, looking for words. “I never knew you liked to dance, even though we've known each other for so long. And as soon as you’re in a new group ... I could have taught you a few things."

So there was the problem. Matthew smiled slightly. “That wasn't an attack on you. To be honest, I've also learned something from you over the years."

“It's just so weird. You have all these talents: producing music, dancing ... things I never knew about you," Minho continued, "and you opened up so quickly to your new friends. I was very insecure."

Matthew had never looked at it from that angle. He was all the more sorry that he had not spoken to Minho earlier. He had partly labeled the other's behaviour as irrational, but this confession now crushed his heart. "Min ... I didn't know," he stated, "Sorry, I should’ve paid more attention."

“It's okay. We're getting older and you want to look for people who fit you,” Minho replied, “I mean, I'm not your best friend. I have no right to complain." He smiled slightly bitterly.

Matthew pressed his lips together and stared at the tabletop. They really were not best friends. Rather, Minho was like a little brother. Did that sound worse? He confided in him a lot. He just did not tell him everything. But that was the case with every type of relationship. You did not have to say everything out loud to make it meaningful.

“Minho, you have every right in the world to complain. Your feelings are important,” Matthew assured him and smiled, "And you can trust me. You can tell me about them."

Minho smiled back a little touched and nodded slightly. "Okay, I'll keep that in mind for the future." He hesitated for a moment. "Then I can make another confession right away."

Matthew's eyebrows twitched in surprise. “Huh? Which one?"

Minho scratched his head and grinned rather crookedly. "You have asked about 100 times whether I like someone."

And how Matthew had done that. After all, Minho knew from practically the beginning of their friendship that Matthew was pretty much in love with Chan. And even if he had in the meantime experienced other crushes, both for boys and girls, he had never quite gotten over Chan.

But Minho and _romances_? The other kept silent like a grave with those kinds of stories since they were "not worth mentioning".

"No, you haven't met anyone all of a sudden, have you?"

Minho shook his head and smiled. “Nonsense. I've just had the suspicion for a while and ... I don’t know. I thought I should tell you about it now."

"So it's really ,worth mentioning’?" Matthew was about to flip the table out of excitement. “Come on, tell me!"

Minho laughed softly. "Maybe ... I don't know ... I think I have a bit of a mad crush on Hyunjin." The way he said this was so amused - he himself probably thought he was a joke.

Matthew blinked several times. “What … the actual fuck? You're kidding me, aren't you?"

Minho immediately shook his head. "You don't make jokes about that."

But Matthew had not noticed anything, absolutely nothing. Perhaps that was a sign that his thoughts had been even more absent than he had initially thought. "Where does that come from now?"

"Hyunjin had stress with the tournament and I took him to dance training to distract him from it. That- um, you _really_ didn't notice anything, did you?"

Matthew blinked several times. “No way. That’s ... wow." Firstly, he had to digest that information. “And now? What will you do?"

“Nothing, because it's just plain stupid. Hopefully it'll go away someday,” Minho said pointedly, “But he's really cute. Too bad, I guess." Then he looked at the clock. "Well, shouldn't you be leaving soon?", he changed the subject, "After all, you still wanted to meet Chan."

Matthew's eyes widened. “Crap! I should’ve been in town ten minutes ago!" He got up frantically and almost threw the cutlery off the table, which in turn made Minho laugh.

"But please don't do it like that tonight."

* * *

Matthew was actually never late, so Chan was astonished that he had been standing in the marketplace for almost twenty minutes. He kept checking his cell phone to see if his boyfriend had already replied to the messages.

"Sorry, can you tell me where the nearest train station is?"

Chan looked up to meet the eyes of a young man in his mid-twenties. “Sure. Just go straight on, down the stairs and then turn to the left. You’ll see the sign immediately."

“Thank you." The man started to move on, but stopped and raised his eyebrows. "Oh, an Omega," he realized in surprise.

Chan usually did not suppress his pheromones that much when he was outside, as any trace of it would be blown from the wind away quickly. But of course there were still people who could smell particularly well, even though it was not mating season.

"Um, yes," Chan responded. He immediately tensed as he located the Alpha tattoo on the hand of his counterpart. But why did he not smell him? Was the other suppressing his pheromones? Alphas did not need to do that, as they had no danger to fear. But Alphas who hid who they were were usually the most devious.

Suddenly Chan caught the smell and he reflexively covered his nose with the palm of his hand. He did not even know if the pheromones were particularly appealing, but he did not want to risk anything.

“You don't look like a typical Omega,” the man commented and looked at Chan's outfit. Today he wore black jeans and a leather jacket over his gray, tight-fitting sweater. Almost approvingly, the stranger eyed the muscles which were visible under the fabric.

It was insolent that the other person took the right to inspect him this way, but Chan was not surprised. He had observed often enough that this was normal with Omegas - even today. To objectify them and to look at them accordingly was part of the old norm. And even if many now found this behaviour repulsive, rarely did anyone dare to intervene.

Chan turned his face away and closed his eyes. "I have to go," he said quickly, but was held back.

“But you helped me so nicely. I think I have to invite you for coffee as a thank you."

Firmly Chan pushed him away. 

The other was obviously a little shocked that he had so much strength - he even gasped for air.

"I don't think we fit age-wise," Chan grumbled and took a few steps backwards until he bumped into someone. Startled, he turned and looked at Matthew's face to his relief.

"Leave my boyfriend alone," Matthew growled roughly, but in contrast, gently took Chan's shoulders and pulled the younger boy closer to him.

“Your boyfriend? God, you really should put a collar around the neck of this slut,” the man hissed and walked off piqued.

"Asshole!" Matthew shouted after him angrily and was about to run after the man.

"Matt, that doesn't help," said Chan and held him.

"He slut-shamed you!"

Chan sighed heavily. “Yes, that's okay. He's gone now. You don't have to provoke him unnecessarily," he insisted, "Please don't start a fight."

Matthew looked at him and grew tame at the look on Chan's face. "Okay, my mistake." He pulled him into his arms and ran through the curly hair.

Chan returned the hug enthusiastically and buried his face in his shirt, while the smell of steaming ginger tea hit him. He could get drunk from it. But although he was pleased to see Matthew, he could not help but make another comment. He leaned back a little and looked at Matthew's wrist. “Oh! _Oooooh!_ What's that?"

Matthew frowned in confusion. "Uhm, a watch?"

"Yes, and what do people usually use watches for?"

Matthew sighed heavily. "Are you mad because I'm late?"

“Maybe a little bit. You could at least have let me know." Chan took Matthew's hand and guided him down the shopping street.

“I’m sorry. The day was stressful. I had to do a flower delivery this morning, then I had to clean up the warehouse and then I was at Minho's."

"Why were you with Min?", Chan asked curiously.

“Uhm, well. Because we still had to resolve our dispute." A half-truth, at least, was not a lie. "By the way, did you know that Minho likes someone?", he quickly distracted Chan from the initial topic.

“Do you mean his little crush on Hyunjin? Already noted."

Matthew shook his head in disbelief. "You’re too attentive."

They walked down the street until they got to the store. It was aesthetically decorated in white and gold, and Matthew already felt so out of place, even though he had not even entered the shop yet. 

"Relax,” Chan said to him, "This will be fun." He opened the door, which in turn set off a small bell. In a good mood, he waved to the man who stood behind the counter. "Good afternoon, Mr. Park."

"Ahhh, your mother has already called me," the clerk replied and bowed, "I'm glad to see you again, Mr. Chan."

“Likewise. But I've already told you a hundred times that you don’t need to call me like that." Chan put one hand on Matthew's chest and the other on his back. "This young gentleman here needs a suit for tonight. We're going out for dinner."

“We will definitely find something suitable. Size?"

And then Matthew was already overwhelmed. He usually bought his clothes from the thrift shop to save as much money as possible. So he did not really pay attention to sizes, but chose his clothes with the good old sense of proportion. "Um, unfortunately I don't know," he apologized ashamed.

“Oh, that’s no problem at all,” Mr. Park replied in a friendly manner, “We can just take a few measurements. If you would follow me." He led Matthew to the corner of the shop where he apparently kept his sewing kit.

"Most of the suits here are handmade," explained Chan, smiling, "Really good quality."

"Oh ... oh," answered Matthew, a little overwhelmed, while Mr. Park measured his hips, "That's ... nice." Otherwise he did not know what to say. Even if he was a little uncomfortable, he could not deny that the beauty of the shop appealed to him. Everything was so wonderfully structured and designed in a minimalist and elegant way.

Mr. Park put the tape measure around his chest and read the values. "Oh, we definitely need XL."

Matthew blushed at the comment, which made Chan laugh again.

Mr. Park guided the two of them to the back of the shop. “Here are all the XL sizes. If you want, I can advise you.”

"That would be nice," Chan accepted the offer.

Then Mr. Park gave Matthew a close look. “Oh, I'd be for pinstripes. Very elegant and emphasizes the stature." He nodded approvingly. “Or we keep it simple with one colour. I tend to prefer dark blue. Or another type of jacket? Maybe with two buttons in a row? It doesn't lose its shape even when sitting. But I think that other patterns also fit wonderfully."

“All sound good,” Chan agreed, “Could you pick three or four? Then he could try them."

“With pleasure!"

Matthew was quite amazed that someone was so passionate about suits. He himself did not really know much about this world (for what purpose?), so he watched with fascination how the man deliberately pulled out the right suits with practice and spoke enthusiastically about the patterns and fabrics. He hung the suits in an empty changing room and beckoned Matthew inside.

A moment later the phone at the counter rang. "Oh, sorry."

“Just go. We can manage on our own now." Chan bowed politely, then pushed Matthew into the wide dressing room. “Come on, don’t be shy."

"Chan ... The fabrics are really expensive."

“We only borrow the suit for a day. It doesn't cost too much."

“You sure?" Matthew looked at him doubtfully.

“Don't worry about it. My dad has more than enough money." Chan kissed his cheek, then pulled the curtain shut. He sat tense in the armchair and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

“Matt?" Chan got up and peered carefully into the changing room. So far Matthew had only pulled on his pants with the shirt hanging loosely around his shoulders. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Sorry," Matthew muttered, "I just panicked for a moment." He turned around. “I don't know if I can do this tonight. Your dad fucking hates me."

Chan looked at him pityingly. He drew the curtain and then started buttoning his shirt. “He doesn't hate you. He just hates your status. That's a big difference." Carefully he kissed the other's collarbones while his pale hands ran over Matthew's chest. "Besides, that doesn't change how I feel about you, got it?"

“Got it." Matthew stroked a lock of hair behind Chan's ear, gazing at him dreamiley. “You're so cute."

“I’m not doing anything." Chan now put the tie around Matthew's neck and tied it.

“But you look so cute in your leather jacket."

"My leather jacket is cool, okay?" Chan replied, played offended.

"But it must also be warm." Matthew pushed Chan's hands away and pulled the jacket off his shoulders so that he now had a clear view of the sweater, which huddled against Chan's body almost like a second skin.

"Stop undressing me," Chan reprimanded, "Concentrate."

And Matthew listened. He pulled on the jacket and looked at himself in the mirror. "Okay ... crazy."

“You look great. But the sleeves are a bit too short,” said Chan, while he pulled gently on the jacket, “Try the one with the pinstripes.”

Matthew liked this one, but according to Chan, he should try the rest as well. He was about to tie the black tie around his neck when his gaze fell on Chan, who was picking up his leather jacket from the floor. Inevitably, his attention landed on the round bum, which was clearly visible under the tight jeans. A slightly mischievous grin spread across his face before he simply put his hand on Chan’s butt.

A gasp escaped the younger. He turned his head accusingly to the other. "Don't shock me like that."

Then Matthew pressed him right against the wall. Slowly he positioned his forearms to the right and left of Chan's head and put his lips to his pale neck.

"Hey!", Chan breathed, "What are you doing?"

"Taking revenge for your action in the flower shop." Almost with relish, his fingers ran along Chan's side until they slid between Chan's legs.

Chan tensed because he was feeling uncomfortable. Not in a frightening way. Actually, there was latent lust buzzing in his stomach. However, his rational mind complained loudly while his instincts told him to let go. Was that his desire? Or that strange Omega inside of him? Why was everything so complicated?

There was a strong pull in his abdomen, so that he pressed his cheek against the cool wall. He was as exposed to his hormones as Matthew was to his own. On the one hand, he wished he could be touched on the spot, right here, right now. On the other hand, he hated nature for the fact that he could not keep himself under control. He pushed his hip against Matthew's hand and tapped his fingers impatiently as his feet scraped restlessly on the floor. 

Matthew huffed, a bit amused. It was surprisingly easy to make Chan melt under his soft touches. Basically, he was only breathing against the skin and circling his thumb over his bottom, feeling the firm muscles under the fingertip. 

Chan bit his lip firmly, nearly going crazy over the teasing. Still, he let the sensation linger on his body.

Until it disappeared.

A little indignant, he turned to a grinning Matthew.

"You should see your face,” his counterpart mocked.

Chan rolled his eyes. “Fuck you." He left the locker room rather jittery and waited for Matthew to finish dressing. His heart raced wildly as a thousand thoughts swirled through his head.

In the end, Matthew decided on the light gray glen check version of a two-button jacket. Chan was very fond of the pattern, but was surprised that his boyfriend had chosen it of all versions. But he did not complain. So they paid for the rental and then left the store.

"You should be there by 6 p.m, okay?" Chan reminded him.

“Yeah, sure." Matthew smiled at him, still a little nervous. In addition to all of his excitement, he was also worried. Chan had not said a word about his suspension. And nobody knew how to deal with all those emotions. Matthew would be devastated if he were, but one did not really notice based on Chan’s behaviour.

“Are you doing well?"

Chan looked at him in surprise. “Yeah … yeah. I mean, according to the circumstances." He rubbed his forehead, a little tense. “There's only so much that has happened this week. I have to deal with it first." Reluctantly, he looked up at Matthew. He swallowed hard. “And I have to confess something to you. It’s about Junhyeok."

Matthew looked at him, alarmed. "Spit it out."

“It… It also has something to do with why I'm no longer the representative. I didn't mean to tell you at first, but that would be unfair. I've been putting it off for too long." Chan took a deep breath. "The reason why I left my position is actually because-"

Just then, Matthew's cell phone rang.

The two froze as if they could hardly believe that they were now interrupted.

Then Matthew took out his cell phone. “Mom? Oh yes, the bouquets ... I forgot. I'll do the delivery." He hung up and turned back to Chan. "Sorry, what did you want to say?"

Chan swallowed hard. "You have to hurry up, don't you?"

"Yes, but I still have a few minutes." Matthew said this with such conviction that Chan took courage and simply dropped the bomb: "Jun blackmailed me into giving up my position."

Chan fidgeted his leather jacket nervously and waited for the other to say something, but nothing came. So he went on: “He said that I would either go out with him and stay in my position, or I would resign entirely. I decided to take the last option."

Finally something stirred in Matthew's face. It was disbelief mixed with anger. “What?! Why didn't you say that earlier?!" Desperate, he threw his hands over his head. “You should’ve refused completely! You should’ve gone to a teacher! Or-"

Chan stood there overwhelmed. Was Matthew really mad at him? He would have expected a little more understanding. “I couldn’t! Otherwise he would’ve done something to you,” he interfered, “I wasn't thinking at the moment, but I had to act immediately. And ... And ... ” He was close to tears.

Matthew realized how deeply the statement had hit Chan. Therefore, he took his hands in a reassuring manner. “Shh, everything’s fine. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at this asshole.”

The tension eased in Chan's shoulders. Desperately he looked to the side. “I really didn't know what to do next. It was the easiest to give up."

"But why did you fight back with the Open Day?"

“Because at least I wasn't alone. And basically the ultimatum only concerns my resigning from the school council. Not that I put up with everything,” Chan mumbled, “But it all backfired anyway. Most teachers must now hate me too. I never want to go to this school again." His voice trembled more and more towards the end. "I don't know how I can even show up there after everything that has happened." He buried his face in Matthew's jacket and let out a shaky breath as his eyes stung.

Since they were still in public he could not indulge himself in a nervous breakdown without hesitation, but he was really close. He immediately recalled Changbin's words and did the breathing exercises he always did before swimming competitions.

"Chan ... Not everyone is against you," whispered Matthew, "There are teachers who love what you do."

“But hardly anyone speaks out in favour of it. Of course I notice that there are still people who want to support me. Still nobody is there for me when it’s important. I'm all alone,” Chan confessed meekly and leaned back before looking up at Matthew.

“You aren’t alone,” Matthew replied, “You have Hannah. You have Changbin. You have … me." A small encouraging smile crept on his face, even if it was worried. “I don't understand your feelings, but if you want to, you can talk to me at any time. I'm not a therapist or something like that …”

"I also hardly believe that love makes my problems disappear," Chan muttered and sighed heavily.

“Love? Who says I love you?”, Matthew asked teasingly, “I never said that. ”

In all other situations, Chan would have laughed at the joke because Matthew almost always hit his sense of humor. But right now he was so confused and frustrated that he just started to cry.

Startled Matthew looked at him and pulled him into his arms. "Oh god, I'm sorry! Chan, I didn't mean it. You know that, right?”

Chan did not answer, just sobbed into his shoulder. Now he did not give a shit what those around him thought of him after all. He felt pathetic and his hormones were clearly beating on his brain. At the moment he saw no light at all in this dark tunnel, so he could not help but simply cry like a little child.

“Hey, hey, buttercup. It's okay,” Matthew tried to calm him down and rubbed his back. The people were already giving him withering looks as if they wanted to say to him: “Seriously? Did you asshole make him cry?"

Matthew pushed Chan back a little and looked into his face. "Omega, stop crying," he demanded, still a soft undertone.

Chan immediately fell silent and looked him straight in the eye. It was almost like he was paralyzed. Every now and then an "Alpha" had slipped out of him (or he just said it for fun), but that was the first time he had been addressed as "Omega". A really strange sensation.

Matthew ran his thumbs tenderly over his shoulders. “What do you need?"

Chan blinked several times. "Uhm ... I don't know," he replied hesitantly, almost overwhelmed.

"No, just say it."

He looked at Matthew, embarrassed. "Maybe a kiss?"

Matthew leaned forward. Before he could kiss him, however, his cell phone rang again. Annoyed, he picked up: "Yes, Mom. I'll be there in ten minutes."

And so the moment burst like a soap bubble.

He looked at Chan apologetically and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'll see you later, okay?"

Chan blinked several times and looked away, embarrassed. He could not manage more than a nod.


	51. "So are you accepting that whole Alpha image?"

Chan already knew how good Matthew looked in his suit. But what was truly surprising was to see him walking in with his glasses.

Matthew had been wearing them in middle school, but at one point he had felt quite insecure which was why he had switched to contact lenses. Chan really had not seen him with glasses in years, so he had to digest the sight first. In a good way. Because his boyfriend looked extremely handsome.

"Hey," he greeted him amazed.

"Hello," Matthew replied warmly and took Chan's hand before he kissed it gently. Then he put a rose on his black suit, "Here, advertisement for my mother's shop." The way he said it was so charming that Chan's mother could not suppress a giggle.

"Why glasses today?", asked Chan.

Matthew leaned forward to him. "A contact lens slipped into the drain earlier," he confessed. Then he turned to Hannah, "Hey, little one. You good?", he greeted the excited girl, "Haven't seen you for a while."

Hannah nodded enthusiastically and simply hugged the boy. "How do you like my dress?"

"It’s great," replied Matthew, "There's nothing cooler than glitter."

Hannah crossed her arms in satisfaction. “My words!"

Chan's father got up and shook Matthew's hand. "Jinseok, I'm glad you made it," he said calmly and bowed slightly.

Matthew returned the bow a lot lower.

Chan had a hard time suppressing a grin because he thought it was kind of cute how Matthew tried to be as polite and respectful as possible.

"Have a seat," offered Chan's father.

Chan was still skeptical, even if yesterday's conversation had provided a lot more information. At the end of the day, he was grateful that his father did not act like a complete idiot, but rather stayed (at least for now) pretty nice. Fortunately, they were in a public place.

"Well, I heard that you also helped out on the Open Day," he began while the waiter was handing out the menus.

Matthew scratched his neck in embarrassment. “Yes, a little. Not much. I mainly worked in the flower shop and had some other jobs to do, so I could not do much with the planning."

"Oh, is that so?" Mild surprise could be heard in the voice. “Well, it's nice that you give your parents a hand. What is your father doing again?"

"He's a carpenter," Matthew replied hesitantly.

As a result, Chan's father's expression softened. "That’s a good job." He turned the page of the menu. “I also worked as a carpenter for a while. Definitely not easy. It should be appreciated more."

Chan reached under the table for Matthew's hand and smiled confidently at him. So far he had done quite well. 

Then they ordered drinks and went back to the conversation.

"What other work are you doing?" asked Doowon. Chan wished he would stop asking so many questions. Yes, he was supposed to get to know Matthew, of course, but this was not a bloody interrogation. Especially since he was afraid that his boyfriend would combust out of nervousness.

But he remained surprisingly calm. "Delivering the newspaper, helping my neighbours, walking dogs ..."

"Do you have time for that besides school?"

Matthew sighed softly, almost a little exhausted. “Yes and no. Sometimes it's very tight. That's one of the reasons why I’m considering stopping guitar lessons." He shrugged his shoulders slightly.

"What do you need all the money for?"

“Everything. Studies, my driving license, my parents' debts ...”

Doowon held up his hand. “Wait, wait. Debts?"

Matthew shrugged again. Most people would be embarrassed by the confession, but he was fairly frank about it. It was not something he was specifically ashamed of. "Yes, of course. My parents came here to South Korea and practically had nothing. The move cost a lot of money. So of course they borrowed some. Now that they're making more money, they want to pay everything back as soon as possible because interest rates are rising. If I can help with that, I'll do it."

Doowon nodded slowly. "I see ... you will start preparing for your driver's license exam soon?" He did not seem to want to pick on finance too much.

Before Matthew could answer, the waiter came back with the drinks and was ready to take the food orders.

Since Matthew did not know his way around here, Chan helped him choose (and raved about way too many dishes which made his boyfriend even more indecisive).

The brief interruption did not irritate Chan's father: “So? I mean, you are an Alpha."

"Hmmm, I've been thinking about doing a crash course for the next two weeks, where I'll then finish everything plus the first aid course. Then I more or less put the work on hold. I've saved enough, but well, it has to be done quickly. Time’s precious,” said Matthew.

Chan looked at him in surprise. Little did he know that he was about to start getting his driver's license. But sure, if one had these privileges as an Alpha, then they should take advantage of them.

He sighed softly and stared at the table top. He would love to drive too. His father had already shown him the basics and had kept telling him that he could start getting his driver's license when he was 17.

But back then, both had assumed that Chan would become an Alpha.

"So are you accepting that whole Alpha image?"

"Dad, please,” Chan interrupted him, "Just give Matt a break.”

His father frowned, then picked up his wine glass. “Sure. I’m sorry."

Chan looked at Matthew, embarrassed, and squeezed his hand under the table again. "What about Minho now?" Matthew had told him earlier that they had settled their argument, but he had not found out details yet.

“Well. I also think he and Somin will get along well."

"Somin?", Chan's mother asked curiously.

Matthew was much more relaxed now, so he gave her a friendly smile. “Yeah. A good friend of mine. She recently moved to our school."

"Ah, is that that pretty Omega that Chan talked about?" Hannah threw into the room.

Chan loved his sister more than anything, but at that moment he would have loved to cover her mouth with his hand. He talked to her about all kinds of things because he always found her answers and lines of thought interesting. But at such moments he realized that she was still a child after all. She was only silent when it was explicitly clear to her why it would be bad to openly reveal their private conversations.

Matthew looked at Chan, irritated.

“An Omega. How interesting."

"Yeah, she has physics with me," said Matthew.

Doowon sighed a little too long and moved his chair back when the waiter put a soup in front of him. He finally started spooning it.

Hannah looked up at Chan in concern. "Shouldn't I have said that?"

"It's okay, angel,” Chan mumbled, "It's okay."

Slowly Matthew leaned over to him and looked at him intensely as if he were asking:  _ "Are you jealous?" _

And yes, Chan was a tad jealous. He could not suppress that with the best will in the world - Omega nature or not. But he really had not wanted to give anyone a guilty conscience about it. He could not hold the gaze and therefore bowed his head before tears welled up in his eyes.

_ Don’t cry! What's wrong with you?! _ Since yesterday Chan reacted too sensitively to everything and got into this helpless state far too quickly. He did not know exactly why. But it seemed to him that the Omega inside of him would like to curl up in his nest forever.

Matthew noticed Chan's mood change and whispered, “Hey, shhhh. Everything’s fine." He put his hand on his thigh and stroked it soothingly.

In fact, Chan relaxed a bit until he realized his father was watching them. Great. Was Matthew not inadvertently confirming the stereotype? He did not even have to say anything and Chan felt sad. Fucked nature. His instincts made him all feel guilty, even though they were irrational.

"Hannah, please don't pull the tablecloth like that," instructed the mother.

“But I want dad's napkin! I can fold a rose out of it."

"You can do that another time."

Hannah leaned back pouting and crossed her arms.

Chan smiled and took his napkin and handed it to her. “Here. You can have mine."

Hannah’s eyes practically sparkled. She immediately took the napkin and unfolded it.

After the action he was able to come down clearly and sort his thoughts. He really should not take everything that seriously. His father probably noticed by now how uptight he actually was.

"Well, what do you think of the collar?" Doowon asked, pushing the bowl as soon as he was done.

“Um,” said Matthew, thinking briefly, “I would buy one. But Chan doesn't want to, so I leave it."

Chan shifted restlessly in his chair while nervously biting his lip.

"Why do you even want to put one on him?"

"Because ..." Matthew took a deep breath. “Because he’s constantly approached on the street. It's exhausting for both of us."

That was not even a lie, but Chan still tended to be averse to the idea. Besides, if anyone from school saw him with that collar on, then he was dead anyway. At the same time, Junhyeok's words echoed in his head:

_ "You belong to all Alphas." _

He got goosebumps and took a quick sip. In the end, the collar did not matter. The Alphas were the real problem.

"So are you doing this for his sake?"

Matthew nodded. “Yeah. And I think it's nice as a gift. It's just very precious jewelry."

“Sure." Doowon furrowed his eyebrows and pressed his lips together.

"Honey," admonished Chan's mother and put her hand on his, "It's okay." Then she turned to the two boys. “You can do whatever you want as long as you both agree on it, okay? Personally, I have no problem with collars. Not everyone forcibly abuses them. It always depends on the relationship itself."

With a very good compromise, Chan would  _ possibly-maybe-under-circumstances _ wear a collar, but not always and especially not with certain connotations. He was not property, he was not a mindless person, and he was not a slut for not wearing a collar. But yes, wearing one would be handy since Alphas would hardly dare to touch him anymore. That was really the big advantage of it. Chan lived under the constant fear of being molested, which was why he always walked in public a little paranoid.

Besides, it was Matthew. He would never want to expand his "power" with something like that. He gave Chan so much freedom and over time he became more and more open to the resolution of certain roles, although he came from a conservative family. Chan could leave him this hopelessly romantic. Perhaps.

He shook himself again. Okay, he could do that only with a lot of overcoming. But he did not want to offend Matthew all the time either. It had to be possible to meet somewhere in the middle.

When the food was in front of him, he hardly got anything down, but he tried to keep the facade as relaxed as possible.

Matthew was talking to Hannah in the meantime. “Seriously? You found a secret place in kindergarten?"

“Yes! You have the most beautiful view there! Probably over the whole world!”, she described dramatically and grinned broadly, "I hope you can see it someday. "

"If I ever have the opportunity to come to your kindergarten, you could show me your hiding place."

Hannah nodded enthusiastically and then continued to eat.

"So," Doowon popped in again (if Chan had to hear that word "so" one more time he would be very willing to slap his father in the face), "You like to exercise too?"

“Hmh, yes. Before that I always did this at home, but now my mother can also pay for the gym."

And again Chan looked at him in amazement, until he remembered that Sooyoung now had two jobs. Accordingly, they could also afford a little luxury. That in turn pleased him. The only thing missing was that Matthew could also go to dance class. But then it would only be a matter of time before he collapsed.

“I see. That seems nice."

Chan gave his father a warning gaze and then ate up.

Matthew and his mother had a casual conversation about school. Matthew cracked a few jokes here and there to keep the mood relaxed. Every now and then they even switched to English, which spoke of how comfortable they were with each other.

The sight, in turn, calmed Chan.

As soon as everyone was done, the waiter came and cleared the table.

"Dessert?" asked Ahri and looked around questioningly.

"Not for me," muttered Chan.

"But you really like to eat dessert here," she said, a little worried.

Chan shrugged and smiled weakly. "Then Hannah has to eat for me."

"Oh, but with pleasure!", said Hannah, grabbing the menu.

Chan moved a little closer to Matthew and inhaled the ginger scent.

"Matthew, let's have a drink", suggested Doowon, "A soju?"

Matthew looked at him perplexed.

"I mean, you can drink, after all."

What was Chan's father up to? Was he going to check Matthew for any clichés? The manipulative Alpha boyfriend who beat up his partner under the influence of alcohol? Chan got a bad feeling. An uneasy, paranoid feeling.

“No, thank you,” Matthew refused politely, “but the dish was delicious. I've been served enough for tonight."

Chan's father raised an eyebrow. "Oh, come on."

Matthew tensed a little, but still kept his nerves. “No, I'll be riding my bike later. I don't want to lose my driver's license, which I laboriously earned in second grade."

The statement caused a chuckle not only from Chan but also his mother.

Doowon looked at Matthew suspiciously. “Okay. Then I know now too."

Chan was a bit proud, but he did not want to show it too clearly. So he just squeezed Matthew's hand again.

After Hannah finished her ice cream, Doowon paid. "It was very nice," he said, embarrassed, as if he did not know whether to say anything else. Chan also could not quite assess whether his words were meant 100 percent seriously.

“Likewise," Matthew replied.

Chan's mother cleared her throat. “Chan, don't you want to go to Matthew? I mean, he'll do his crash course. With the whole school stuff, you probably won't see him that often for the next two weeks." She smiled. "Take the opportunity."

Doowon wanted to object, but was stabbed by the eyes of his wife. He sighed. "Yes, that would be okay with me."

Chan looked at Matthew, who in turn smiled.

"I’d be really happy about it."

And how could Chan say no to a smile like that?

* * *

The fact that Chan had his own toothbrush from his last visit made him feel strangely welcome in this apartment. He brushed his teeth extensively, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked incredibly tired, but not really dejected. That was a significant improvement in his mood.

Matthew's parents were still working. Earlier, Chan had been told that in addition to being a carpenter, Matthew's father had taken on the evening shift at the supermarket two blocks down the street. And then people told him he worked so hard. In contrast, he led a fairly relaxed life, at least in terms of his work in school.

Chan went into Matthew's room.

The resident stood at the window and looked thoughtfully outside.

Then Chan sneaked up and wrapped his arms around his torso from behind. “You were great tonight. I’m glad that you didn’t lose your nerves."

“Yes. I'm trying to curb my temper more," said Matthew and turned around in Chan's arms, "You still haven't changed your clothes." He gently pushed Chan back by the shoulders so that he could sit on his bed. Without further ado, he pulled Chan’s pants down. "Your cuts have healed really well," he realized, looking at the wounds. Apparently he was relieved that Chan had not picked up the blade. Somewhere he had suspected it after the Open Day had come to such an unhappy end.

“Yeah. It just itches incredibly now."

Matthew's hands carefully ran down his thighs until he unbuttoned his shirt from below. Carefully he pushed the top off the broad, pale shoulders until the sleeves caught on Chan's wrists. "Is that okay?", he asked gently.

Chan nodded slightly, a little overwhelmed by the fact that Matthew had not even completely undressed him and was already pausing just to check for any reaction.

“That whole Junhyeok situation … I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted so stupidly," Matthew said quietly, resting his chin on Chan's shoulder, "I know why you accepted the ultimatum. Thank you." He leaned back carefully. “But I'm worried. You need help."

"I'm already going into therapy," Chan mumbled and fell onto his back.

"And that really helps you?"

“A little bit." Chan stretched out and breathed in noisily. "I'm just tired of hiding."

"Then you should tell the others."

Chan said nothing.

"I think you're ready."

Chan lifted his head in confusion. ”How do you mean that?"

“You have struggled constantly to be an Omega. But yesterday you were really … whole again. You accepted yourself, although you know what your status is." Matthew sat next to him. "Chan, you can do it. I know you can do it."

Chan smiled weakly and put a hand on the back of Matthew's head to push him down. “Thank you." Finally he breathed a velvety kiss on his mouth. "I ... I'm thinking about it. I have enough time for that now anyway." Towards the end he became quieter and looked a little desperately at his counterpart. "But I have no idea what to do afterwards."

“We’ll find a solution."

As simple as this statement sounded, it comforted Chan.

Matthew kissed the pale neck down the defined collarbones almost painfully slowly, sometimes pausing and just breathing against the skin. But that was enough to cause a chill.

Chan leaned back and let his mind sail away. Eventually he turned it off and ran his fingers gently over Matthew's shoulder blades.

After a while, Matthew's mouth wandered to his chest, distributing unspeakably sweet little kisses there. They tingled pleasantly, so that Chan let out a melodic sigh every time. Warm hands found their way over his sides, taking their time and causing a surge of excitement in him. He convulsed a little when he noticed how his abdomen pulled clearly together and briefly took his breath away. It only got worse when Matthew's tongue traced the skin and gently brushed his nipples.

Chan's small lack of air did not stop Matthew from kissing the inviting lips. It was not long before he pressed his tongue between them.

At first Chan simply went with the flow before noticing something strange. He opened his eyes and frowned, running his hand down his own body until it was between his legs. Startled, he jerked his fingers back when he felt light moisture. In itself it should not be a problem, but the wetness did not come from his crotch. His fingertips were really just a little damp, but probably enough to make him restless.

"What is it?" Matthew asked a little worried when he saw the unsettled look on Chan's face.

"I ... I ..." Chan squeezed Matthew's shoulders. “Sorry, something’s weird. My body’s broken.” He swallowed hard and laughed a little nervously.

Matthew was confused by this, but understood when his fingers accidentally brushed the wet spot as well. "I think the medicine is finally having no after-effects on you," he speculated.

“What?"

"It's normal for male Omegas to … eh …” Matthew smiled sheepishly. "To be wet down there. They did not have any lubricant back then after all."

Oh.

_ Oh. _

“What? Shit, I didn’t know anything about that,” Chan gasped and sat up a little, “Why isn't something like that taught in school? What the hell do you have sex education for?!" He did not want to freak out like that, but the fact that his body was suddenly doing things which he had not even had a clue about until a few minutes ago perturbed him. He had never really dared to research about Omegas that much (the one YouTube video had been really enough for him), but now he regretted it. Now he felt like the greatest idiot on earth.

“I think because male Omegas are more of a special case. That's why you don't talk about them in class."

Panic was written on Chan's face, whereupon Matthew took his hands.

“Shh, everything’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

"But it's really ... strange," he said in a choked voice, "It's uncomfortable." He let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah, I understand that." Matthew looked at him pityingly. Carefully he pulled the boxers off Chan's waist. “Take it easy. Breathe slowly, my precious flower."

Chan's chest rose and fell in an irregular rhythm. "But what do I do now?"

"You're not doing anything," Matthew replied gently, "Let me handle it … I mean, if you want me to."

Chan looked at him skeptically before slowly lying on his back again. "Why do you know about it so well?"

"Well, in the end I’m just a horny teenager,” Matthew mumbled with a grin and grabbed a pillow to place under Chan's hip, "Comfortable?"

Chan nodded.

With as much patience as possible, Matthew's fingers traced the inside of Chan's thighs before carefully touching the affected area. Only the tip of his little finger found a point of contact, but Chan already winced.

“Chan? Is it still okay?"

“Yes. It is. I guess.”

"Say stop anytime if you need to."

Chan noticed that the fluid increased, which overwhelmed not only his body but also his mind. Focusing on not fainting, he stared at the ceiling. Suddenly a hoarse sound escaped him as Matthew pushed his finger forward a little.

"What are you doing there?", he asked in a scratchy voice.

Matthew did not answer directly. “Don't cramp up. Otherwise you’ll hurt yourself.” He stroked Chan's hip soothingly. “Everything’s good. Just say stop when it gets too much, remember." And like this he started the second attempt.

It was an excruciatingly slow process, with Chan stopping the other at what felt like every half a millimeter to recapture his thoughts. But that was fine too. Matthew did not seem to have any problem sitting here for a little while. Maybe that was because Chan had a lot of new expressions on his face. That was better than any other show in the world and therefore more than worth the "waiting time".

"How are you feeling?", he asked when he had entered with his finger.

"Awkward," admitted Chan, "but the feeling’s better than before."

“Good." Matthew moved his finger carefully watching Chan's reactions. Although his hand was cramped, he tried not to jerk. Instead, he read practically everything in the eyes in front of him. At least until they closed and Chan let out an audible gasp from his lungs.

Matthew started kissing over his knees.

Chan tensed his feet with every little wave of pleasure which swept through his body. It was a completely different sensation than the masturbating which he was used to. He was a bit amazed that his body was able to make him feel something completely different. Suddenly it seemed to him that he did not really know himself and his body yet. It was overwhelming in a tearing but also irresistible way. Even if he was embarrassed to admit it to himself: he wanted more.

At one point, Matthew tried to use a different finger. He went through the same procedure as before, but this time Chan was a little calmer, although he kept twitching. However, he was given enough time so that he could get used to the increasingly intense feeling. After a while, he realized that it was a little easier as he got wetter, which was beneficial but also somehow uncomfortable for him.

Matthew put his hand on his stomach and stroked it, cautiously pulling his finger back and then pushing it inside again. He repeated this movement a couple of times, becoming a little bolder with each push, and drawing invisible circles on Chan's now heated skin.

Chan could only make throaty sounds. Maybe a slight whimper, but otherwise he was too lost in Matthew's gaze, which held him. He would have looked away because he was kind of embarrassed, but once again he was basically hypnotized.

When his counterpart apparently wanted to take an additional finger, Chan stopped him breathlessly: “Don't! I’ll burst."

Matthew looked at him in irritation before giggling. “Okay. If that's enough for you, we'll leave it for today." He slowly withdrew his finger, but stared down at Chan nonetheless.

"Could you stop that?" Chan asked, embarrassed, and was about to push his knees together.

Matthew stopped him from doing that and began licking his tongue between his legs until he reached the sphincter.

Overwhelmed, Chan let out a hoarse groan and clutched Matthew's hair. “What are you doing there? Matt!" He arched his back and unconsciously moved his hips against the warm tongue. But he could not enjoy the feeling for a long time as Matthew moved away again.

“Sorry, I could not help it,” he admitted, “Once I read that Omegas taste the same as their pheromones smell. You actually taste a bit like vanilla."

Chan blushed as red as a tomato and kicked him in the side. “You're just imagining that." The biggest problem was that his erection was still there, so his mind was pretty clouded.

Matthew realized that shortly thereafter, but he loved to take care of it in literally a few simple hand movements.

Then Chan wanted to return the favour, but Matthew grinned and shook his head as he picked up handkerchiefs. “You're half asleep. Another time."

Chan actually wanted to protest, but the tiredness ate mercilessly through his body. So he waited until Matthew had cleaned him with tissues. "It's sad that the nest is no longer there."

"Yes ... my mother did not want my clothes to be lying across the room," Matthew explained, undressing. Smiling, he leaned over Chan and placed feather-light kisses on his flushed cheeks.

"Unfortunately understandable." Chan pushed him softly back and held onto Matthew's face with both hands, gently running his thumbs under his eyes, and looking at him intently.

"You’re always so careful," said Matthew and grabbed the pale hand, which shortly afterwards almost disappeared into his own. He did not want to say it out loud, but something warm dissolved in him when he realized the difference in size between them. Even though Chan could stand on his own, he just wanted to let him sink into his arms and protect him.

“Is that bad?"

Matthew shook his head gently and kissed Chan's fingertips. Then he lay down next to him.

Chan moved closer and rested his head on Matthew's chest. Cuddling was great in itself, but cuddling naked? That was for sure an upgrade - incredibly warm and safe. He could really get used to that. He closed his eyes with pleasure.

"Somebody needs a lot of cuddles."

Chan yawned and rubbed his cheek against Matthew's chest. "I'm just glad that the day went halfway well."

Matthew put an arm around him and pulled him closer. “Me too."

Chan lifted his head a little. "Hey, Matt."

“Yeah?" Matthew turned to him a little.

Chan smiled. “Nothing. I just wanted to look at your face again." He placed a little kiss on Matthews mouth open in surprise and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "I'm looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow."

Matthew laughed softly. “You're adorable."

But Chan was actually happy. Simply because he knew there would be at least one more day he wanted to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't consent the sexiest?
> 
> Hehe, hello <3 
> 
> Finally ... finally another chapter! Argh, I've been working on this the whole week just a little here and there just to be completely frustrated at my sinking motivation ;; 
> 
> One of the reasons I did not spend too much time on this work is because I joined a ChangLix fic fest and since this has a set deadline, I want to put effort into meeting said deadline.  
> I still love having the blues to bits and I genuinely want to continue this, but since it's pretty lengthy it can get exhausting sometimes. So don't be worried if it takes me more than a week to update! I use smaller projects so I don't overdo it with big projects. Like this it's easier to be more consistent with my work as a hobby author overall. 
> 
> Now a little OFF TOPIC, buuuuut the channel "dive studios" released a brand new podcast with the hosts Matthew and Ashley plus two special guests and they talk about guys' problems and toxic masculinity. Since this fits my story SO WELL I suggest you to check it out! Just listen to it while cooking, cleaning, drawing or whatever. I love such kind of podcasts and listen to video essays about problems of our modern society regularly, because it's very inspiring and educating in general. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and keeping up with the updates. Stay safe during these times! 
> 
> See you soon~


	52. "Why didn't you tell us?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> There are mentions of self-harm in this chapter. If you have any experiences and/or are sensitive about these topics, I suggest to skip the part after the Matthew's and Chan's call. Or at least do not read it alone. 
> 
> Stay safe.

The suspension was not the absolute downfall for Chan. In fact, he was pretty busy. Since he was at home all the time, he had the opportunity to do a lot more chores, for example doing laundry, cooking (before even his mother came home), dusting, mopping the floors ...

He was also often outside to pick Hannah up or to go for a walk with Berry, to do small shopping or to bring mails away. When he was outside anyways, he often stopped by the gym. He took care of his schoolwork at a slower pace, but Minho always sent him the study materials, which he could print out. Like this he was pretty much up to date.

Minho would have come over by himself, but between afternoon classes and dance training he rarely found spare time. Especially since it would take him almost an hour to get to Chan by bike and the buses and trains were a bit inconvenient for his schedule.

Matthew was stressed about the crash course and shifts at his mother's flower shop. Even if he had said that he was not really going to work, he could not leave her alone as soon as a larger order came in. But he texted Chan every day or called him when he was dipping from point A to point B. It was actually quite funny to hear him breathless over the cell phone every time he called. Chan also liked the fact that he asked at least once a day whether everything was okay.

Several times, Matthew offered to stop by while he was already outside. Chan saved him the stress and refused every time. On weekends the pressure would at least be less bad, which is why he could not bring himself to force Matthew to spend the last bit of free time with him.

Chan was not in a good mood, but at least he was not completely depressed. Being busy was good since he could put all his worries in the back of his head for the time being. It was like living in a little bubble. 

Felix came to visit three times this week. Not long, but since he did not no live far from here, he took the right to keep showing up and bring Chan something to eat. Since he could not stay long, they mostly sat in the living room, listening to music or playing with Hannah and Lucas.

Felix had brought him tangerines this time and greeted him on the doorstep with a beaming face on Friday afternoon. "You look good!" was his first statement.

Chan had cooked earlier and with a great deal of skill and an incredible amount of elegance poured tomato sauce over his white shirt (the  _ one _ time he wore white). His hair was also untamed, which was wonderfully complemented by his baggy sweatpants. He frowned and smirked in amusement. “Uhm,  _ thanks _ . I'll change my clothes anyway,” he announced and fled upstairs.

His father had put a handle on his door by now, but Chan still could not lock it. That was okay with him - for now. At least the door was not ajar all the time. Because that had made him really paranoid.

He slipped back downstairs in fresh clothes and crouched down next to Felix. "By the way, Yiren will come by in a minute," he said and put a piece of tangerine, which Felix had already peeled, into his mouth.

“Oh cool! I haven't seen her for a while."

Hannah poked her fists in the air with joy. “Yes! That's why I have to tidy up now,” she said and arranged her toys beautifully according to shapes and colours.

Chan carried Lucas on his lap and looked with him through an illustration book. "How is school going?"

Felix grinned. “Many students are still nuts because of the Open Day. The girls protest."

“Seriously? So the Open Day posters are still hanging?”, Chan asked.

Changbin had already told him excitedly over the phone that some students were revolting against the headmaster’s decision (and caretaker Kim probably did not want to do anything about the posters either).

The real highlight was that more than half of the class had consistently not showed up at Mrs. Thong's classes, but had attended the remaining lessons regularly. She had even been locked out of the teacher's room once, or at least Minho had observed it in the hallway. Actually it could only have been Mrs. Jo - otherwise no one would dare to slap the embodiment of school horror like that in the face.

Chan did not know how to deal with it, but he had already thanked some students via WhatsApp for their support. Nevertheless, he had asked to keep everything civil and pacifist (especially since Mr. Kim had just repainted the walls).

“Not just the posters. They now have badges with your name on their uniforms. And they advocate a new school speaker election,” said Felix proudly.

Chan sighed. “But you can't make a new election just like that. We don't choose a new president in our politics spontaneously either after all."

“Yes, but the symbolic power behind it counts,” argued Felix, “The motto is:  _ 'We're ready at the start line'! _ ”

Chan's eyes widened. "That ... That was the motto of my speech when I participated in the election in eighth grade!" That was Chan's first participation. Of course, he had not been chosen because he had been way too young. But in eighth grade the boys' school had become a community school. Just then, Chan had decided it was time to bring harmony to the school's society.

His first speech had been rather helpless, which is why he had even spoken English in between. His notes had gotten mixed up and at some point he had started taking inspirational words from his own songs. But as stupid as it was:  _ “We're ready at the start line” _ had always been a symbol of a new beginning and above all improvement for him.

"It's amazing that the few girls from back then still remembered it," he muttered, "That was definitely Momo."

“I think so too. Or Chaeryoung. She's been there since the beginning as well."

Chan shook his head in disbelief. "That's sick."

"Yes, you aren't even in school and still have a more positive influence on the climate than Junhyeok," said Felix with a quiet chuckle, "Some guys have also joined the movement, but more undercover."

“Understandable. Nobody wants to be beaten up by Alphas." Chan tapped his chin thoughtfully. "And otherwise? How is it on the negative side?"

Felix made a face. “Well, the counter-wave is trying to spread rumors about you. There's still the incident between you and Junhyeok ...” He broke off because he noticed that Chan was getting uncomfortable.

"Hmm, I see."

Then the doorbell rang. Immediately Hannah jumped up and raced to the door to pick up her best friend.

Yiren entered the living room and greeted the two boys politely. She was a little bit the opposite of Hannah, as Chan had noticed. A little quieter, a little more reserved, a little shyer. Hannah was the chatterbox, which was why the two of them got along pretty well.

Chan was very fond of Yiren. He had known her for over two years now. 

The two girls got juice from the kitchen and then started building Lego houses.

Felix cleared his throat, embarrassed. "So, you and Matt."

Chan leaned back with a sigh. "Yup. Me and Matt." None of his friends had really spoken to him about this topic yet. But this was Felix. He was always available for honest conversations.

"Since when?"

"We got together right before the Masan trip," said Chan, leafing through the book. However, Lucas was probably too bored because he wanted to get off his lap. So Chan put him on his playing mat.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

“I don't know," Chan uttered, “It was just too much at once. I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't expect … it myself."

Felix looked at him worried. "It almost sounds like this relationship is an accident."

"What? No." Chan shook his head. “First I wanted to clarify the situation a little with our families. You know. Matthew's parents are a bit conservative."

"So what? I was raised Catholic and yet my family is pretty open."

Chan puffed up his cheeks and dug his fingers into the sofa. “Yes, but this is different. Matt is an Alpha. There are certain expectations."

"How do you mean that?"

Chan swallowed hard. "That whole partner issue."

Felix seemed to realize the problem. "I see. Because they expect an Omega and you aren't one."

Then Chan bit his tongue. He cleared his throat, embarrassed, while his hands started to sweat a little. "That isn't the problem." Slowly he raised his head. "Lix, I- "

Suddenly the doorbell rang again.

Chan winced, but quickly composed himself and got up to open the door.

His mother was standing on the doorstep with some flowers. “Sooyoung gave it to me! Isn't that nice?" She said happily and entered,“ I can't wait to plant them!"

"Um, yes ... that's great," Chan replied a little overwhelmed and followed her into the living room.

"Hello, Yiren! Oh, Felix is here too," she stated, "Can someone please open the terrace door?"

Hannah took care of that and decided without further ado that it would be better to play in the garden with Yiren anyway.

"By the way, I wanted to ask you something else," said Felix and thus unconsciously distracted from the previous topic.

Chan turned to him in surprise. "What?"

The younger jerked his feet a little nervously. "So next week is the qualification for the semifinals."

Chan swallowed hard. In fact, he had almost forgotten that with the stress.

"I'd like you to come with us."

Chan sighed heavily. “I would like to, but I can't. I have to watch out for Hannah and Lucas on Saturday."

"Your mother will find a solution when it is about swimming," said Felix, firmly convinced.

"Lix, watching you guys swim is going to hurt," said Chan.

"Then join our team again. Please." Felix dropped his shoulders in frustration. “Hyunjin's a good captain, but he doesn't really want the position either. It doesn't feel good."

"Thanks to him you got this far in the first place," Chan mumbled and sank down on the sofa.

Felix frowned in confusion. "Who told you that?"

“Nobody," Chan replied quickly and pulled his legs up, “I can't come with you.”

“The rest will come along too. I've already planned it. Everyone takes extra time off on Saturday." Felix looked at him begging. "Please. I really want to have you with me." In addition, he began to sulk. Nobody could resist a face like that.

Chan groaned, almost annoyed. "Well, I'll think about it."

Felix smiled widely. "Great! Thanks." He frowned. "Oh, didn't you want to tell me something else? Because of Matt and you."

Chan blinked a little overwhelmed. "What? Ah, nevermind." He waved it off. "Another time."

* * *

“My application for the driver's license is through! That means I can do my theory exam test next week,” Matthew said excitedly over the phone.

Chan was lying on the bed, staring into the air. At the words of the other, however, he straightened up. "What? Already? I've heard that such an application won't be dealt with for six or seven weeks."

"I think Alpha applications are processed faster."

"What a bullshit," grumbled Chan.

"Yeah, kinda. But for me it's an advantage."

Chan sank into the pillow and put his hand on his forehead. "Yes, of course." He just sighed heavily. "It's just …"

Silence.

"Would you also like to get your driver's license?"

Chan nodded hesitantly, until it occurred to him that Matthew could not see it. “It's just so unfair. Omegas are allowed to get their driver's license at age of 21."

"Really?! I didn’t know that."

"It's been a law since last year. Supposedly Omegas are more likely to cause accidents." Chan hissed angrily. “Most of the time, that happens while parking. In accidents involving life-threatening injuries, Alphas are usually responsible. Because they think that they have to start racing in the village."

"That's the expert speaking," said Matthew, amused, "I think it's good that you're doing more research."

"Yeah, yeah but that situation is ..."

"Unfair for Omegas."

“It's misanthropic!” Chan corrected him vigorously, "Security measures; they're kidding me. They’re just looking for an excuse to differentiate groups based on supposed qualities." He curled up. "You don't think so, do you?"

“For God's sake, no, Chan. What do you think? That I’d start abusing my power over you?" Matthew's tone was light, but behind that you could hear the vulnerability.

“No, no, no. Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Chan apologized meekly, “There are just a lot of things in my head.”

"Well, with such a long suspension you have a lot of time to think after all," Matthew muttered on the other end of the line.

"And a lot of sexual frustration because my boyfriend doesn't stop by," Chan teased.

Matthew laughed out loud. “Oh, that’s indeed a big problem. I'm sorry. I feel so bad when my mom has to work alone. If I don't hold the position, she won't make it to the cleaning service."

Chan got very silent. He could not imagine how chaotic Matthew's day was. He always seemed so relaxed as if the world were a peaceful place. He was probably shuttling back and forth so much that his old bike would soon break apart.

"If you need financial support, then we can help out,” Chan offered slowly, but he already guessed the answer.

"Thank you, but we don't need alms."

"That’s not it," Chan contradicted immediately.

A sigh was heard. “Yes, Chan, it is. We don't need that. We’re currently cushioning ourselves with money. We don't need any more. Or what do you think, how else I could even afford to get my driver's license?"

"But why do you want to do it now?", Chan objected, "You could simply wait. Nobody forces you to do it now. Or is that another Alpha complex?"

"As soon as I have the license, I can make more deliveries for my mother." Matthew was silent for a moment. “Actually, I shouldn't tell anyone yet because it should be a huge surprise. But I'm telling you now to calm your nerves."

Chan pouted, which luckily the other could not see.

“My mother will soon be moving her shop. It’ll be bigger and have more employees. She has wanted to focus on offering decorations for large celebrations such as weddings and birthdays for a long time. Someone gave her an offer because they really like her style. Accordingly, the delivery requests will be larger. I want to learn how to drive, so that my mother doesn't have to employ even more people full-time." Now Matthew snorted. "No Alpha complex, okay?"

Chan rolled over on his stomach. “Okay, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean it." He propped his chin on a pile of pillows. "It's just really lonely without you."

“It'll be over soon. I'll see you on Saturday. In case you come to the competition."

Chan hesitated. "I don't know ... It doesn't sound like such a good idea."

“Chan,” Matthew said with some emphasis, “The others now know that we’re together. At some point you’ll have to tell them that you’re an Omega anyway. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can swim again."

Chan immediately protested: “It's not that easy! I can't just join the swim team again as if nothing happened. The whole thing with Jun- ”

“What does that have to do with that idiot again? He cannot take over your whole life."

Inevitably, Chan remembered the situation in the school council room. When the usually angry and stubborn Junhyeok suddenly had seemed very small and fragile. For some darned reason, with the best will in the world, Chan could not forget about it.

“If I become captain of the team again, I'll automatically be in the public part of the school again. It's like moving from a party member to a minister. You’re then not the prime minister, but you automatically have more contact with the upper power. In my case, I would be the target."

“What? What are you talking about?"

"You haven't done your social studies homework yet, have you?"

Matthew made an annoyed sound. "Shit, I knew I forgot something. I think I'll have to study then."

"Yeah, do that", Chan mumbled, "But can you visit me this week?"

"Maybe Friday night, but I'm really not sure," Matthew replied.

“Okay. Bye." Chan hung up and placed his cell phone on the bedside table. He appreciated the daily 20-minute phone calls with Matthew, of course, but it was not the same as a face-to-face meeting. Chan would love to visit him, too, but Matthew was more outside than actually at home.

He decided to put on more comfortable clothes and write a little in his diary. As he took off his pants, he looked at his thighs. Red lines ran across the scars. No deep cuts. But he had not really been able to resist the urge.

Every time the blade broke the skin, he felt relief. Because he was still there. He felt, breathed, thought,  _ existed _ . But less than three seconds later, guilt swept over him. Because the wounds needed to heal and burned whenever he moved too much, constantly reminding him that he had experienced a moment of weakness. It was like an insatiable need - that need controlled him. As unstoppable as an addiction.

Chan pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face between his knees. Another reason why he could not just rejoin the swim team. He did not know if he was more ashamed of his tattoo or his scars. "Why am I doing this to myself?", he whispered and curled up in the nest.

After a while, he picked up his book, opened it and looked over the pages as if he were studying for an exam. In the end he grabbed his pen and started a new page:

_ Swimming tournament, yes, no? _

_ Chan, I wish you could tell me whether I will regret it if I do not go. Why do you only have one chance for so much in life? _

_ Maybe that is why it is so valuable. Maybe I have to learn that too? Man, what do I know- _

  
  


Chan crossed the sentence once and tapped his lower lip.

_ Anyway, here are a few more updates: _

_ The tablets work so well. _

_ I can close the door again. _

_ Dad is just working harder, probably to hide his frustration. _

_ Matt does not have time for me. _

_ And my mood? Empty. _

Besides that, Chan scribbled a lot and let his thoughts wander. Doodling was soothing to him, so he liked to decorate the pages.

_ I don't know if to look forward to the end of my suspension. But I am definitely scared. _


	53. "I'm an Omega."

As crazy as it sounded: In the end, Chan had accepted the offer to go to the swimming tournament and was therefore on the bus with his former teammates and friends on Saturday midday. The ride would only take an hour, but the excitement was already at its peak.

There were many reasons Chan chose to go: First, he could not risk to hurt Felix again as much as he had with his departure. Second, he missed the atmosphere of tournaments. Third, he finally had the chance to see Matthew again.

Since their relationship was more or less official, he had no problems snuggling up to the older boy and catching up on some sleep. His insomnia struck again mercilessly.

The fact that he was so exhausted was also due to the unregulated dose of pills he was taking. Doctor Lim had already noticed at the appointment this week that something was wrong and mentally slapped him for that. Chan had been embarrassed, but at the same time he did not have the strength to improve his rhythm in any way. He was just tired. So incredibly tired.

Being with Matthew also calmed him so much that he could easily fall asleep here.

"I see two lovebirds," Minho commented teasingly, but Chan ignored him.

Instead he played with the rings on Matthew's fingers and sighed comfortably.

"You're usually not that clingy," said Matthew with a smile, "Not that I'm complaining."

“You asshole didn't have time for two weeks. So shut up,” Chan mumbled and buried his face in his shirt to inhale the ginger smell.

“Watch out or else you’ll get high," Matthew chuckled and stroked the curly hair. Frowning, he twirled the strands between his fingers. "Are you re-dyeing?"

“I bleach them. But I’m not done yet.”

"Do you want your hair to fall out?"

Chan rolled his eyes. “No. I'll be careful. I just wanted to switch to lighter colours." To somehow bring a bit of light back into his currently rather gloomy life.

Matthew bit his lower lip.

"What?", asked Chan.

“Sorry. I just had to remember that my mother once said ...”

Chan raised his eyebrows. “Yes?"

“That blonde looks a bit… ,slutty’. At least on Omegas." Matthew scratched the back of his neck. "But I don't know whether she still has that opinion."

“And you? Is that what you think?”, Chan asked challengingly and looked him straight in the eye, “That I won’t be only be blonde, but in the best case also stupid?”

“What? No. Even if that was the case you can do whatever you want,” confirmed Matthew and kissed his forehead, “Don't look at me like that, buttercup. You know I think you're the prettiest flower. You could shave your petals totally and I would admire your beautiful head shape."

Chan rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Matthew's torso. “You're such a charmer."

"Hell yeah!" Matthew was actually in a good mood and quite talkative, but Chan could tell he was pretty tired as well.

"I'm so nervous,” Yunho said and shook the seat in front of him. Usually he was actually calm and relaxed, but right now his nerves were a bit wrecked.

"If you don't make it to the next round, that's not the end of the world," Minho consoled the team.

"Says the one who nearly had a mental breakdown when his dance team didn't make it through the World of Dance auditions," Seungmin teased. Shortly afterwards a backpack was thrown into his face.

"But I also have the feeling that my stomach is digesting itself," Jinyoung muttered.

Changbin leaned in Chan's back seat. "Now say something to calm the nerves of the others,” asked him gently.

Chan looked up at him and shook his head before burying his face in Matthew's shirt defensively. "That’s my job," he said defensively and curled up. Even if he knew that no one here condemned him for it: On the day of the Open House, he should not have been allowed to take the lead. Nevertheless, he had done it and now faced the consequences. His mood hit rock bottom again and again. With those downfalls he wondered if it would ever get better.

He could be happy. But his condition was not an absence of any positive feelings either. Rather, the absence of hope.

“Who swims the relay?”, Chan asked Hyunjin.

"Jinyoung, Jiwon, Yunho and me," he explained shortly while looking forward. He used to be crazy and hyper on their bus rides, but now that he was captain he was a lot calmer. It was a bit sad to look at and made Chan feel guilty.

"The relay was always your thing," Matthew whispered to him.

"Not anymore," Chan replied softly.

Hyunjin turned around. “The other three harmonize well with each other. I'm just the filler." He fixed Chan with a penetrating look. As if to say: _"Chan, that could’ve been us."_

Ashamed, Chan lowered his head and looked out the window.

"Sorry," Hyunjin muttered and turned back in the direction of travel.

When the bus came to a stop, the boys got out while chatting. Chan helped, of course, to fish the gym bags off the shelf, but a wave of dizziness washed over him.

"Hey, slowly." Matthew held his shoulders. “Let me do it." Since he was tall, he did not have to stretch himself up and almost shoveled down all the pockets. He passed it onto the swimmers and then took Chan's hand. “Hurry up. You don't want to miss anything, do you?" As soon as he got off the bus, he turned and looked at Chan expectantly.

He leaned against the open door and blinked several times because the dizziness would not let up with the best will in the world.

Matthew grabbed his hips with both hands. "You look kind of pale.”

Chan held his head a little overwhelmed. “Just a brief spell of dizziness. Goes by in a moment."

His counterpart frowned skeptically. “Come here." He lifted Chan off the bus with ridiculous ease and then held him in his arms. "Do you have that often?"

Chan shrugged and clung to him.

Matthew did not dig any further, but carried him to the group without paying attention to protests.

"Don't, I'm heavy."

"You're lighter than usual," said Matthew, "It's not good for you to be at home alone so much."

"Hey, unfair!", Jisung exclaimed when he spotted the two of them, "I want to be carried too!" Immediately he jumped on Felix, who caught him in surprise.

That in turn sparked group laughter and Chan tried to participate in it.

Mrs. Jo had pulled out a list and read out all the names and the corresponding disciplines again. Then she explained something about the campus and pointed to the entrance. “You just go on and ask about the changing rooms. The rest can go into the auditorium. I'll go to the annex to register you."

So while the swimmers made their way to the locker rooms, the rest of them went to the main entrance door to get to the stands. They were a pretty small group by comparison. The other swimmers had invited their friends too, but when they stepped into the stands and saw all the banners of student armies cheering on their team, Chan dropped his jaw.

Since this was already the semi-finals, the swimming hall also had a fitting capacity. The grandstands were all on balconies, so that the swimmers had enough space around the pool.

Some participants were already warming themselves up while the committee sat at a long table, near at the brink. There were probably even reporters and, as Chan could tell, talent scouts.

“That would be a great opportunity for some to be discovered,” Seungmin stated when he saw all the people bustling around the pool.

Jeongin nodded and agreed. "But we should concentrate on cheering the others on." He took out a smaller banner which was hand-painted. With the help of Jisung, he hung it up on the handrail.

"We brought flags and horns with us," Jisung announced solemnly and handed them out to those present.

Chan looked around curiously and already felt the familiar adrenaline of the competitive atmosphere. Even if he was not swimming himself, he could not help but suck in the surroundings.

"Do you want something to drink?", Matthew asked as he sat down next to him.

“What? No, I'm fine,” Chan replied, “That was only a short dropout earlier." He took Matthew's hand and looked down at the basins. "It's just hard for me to be here."

“I understand that." Matthew squeezed his hand comfortingly. "I'm sorry I couldn’t be that much with you."

"Yeah, you should be sorry,” Chan mocked him a little, "But I'm glad to be with you now."

Then he focused on the disciplines. First came the backstroke, so Changbin got ready and let himself sink into the water. He held onto the pole from the starting block and looked around, probably looking for the others.

"You can do it, Hyung!" Jisung yelled down and waved to him. You could not see it from here, but the older one smiled.

"Ready ..."

He turned and fixed his gaze on the starting block.

“Steady ..."

Then he drew up his arms.

“Go!"

The swimmers dived upside down in the water and slid to the surface in fluid dolphin-like movements before beginning to circle their arms. Cheers resounded from everywhere and Chan caught himself standing excitedly at the railing and watching the action.

Changbin failed to qualify for the finals due to his insufficient time. He ended up in fourth place, which was by no means bad. But he was still a little frustrated.

“Jinyoung should’ve been swimming. He's better at the individual disciplines,” Chan muttered.

"Jinyoung should probably rest before the relay," Jackson explained, "He also said that it’s new for him not to swim a single discipline. But Hyunijn didn't want him to do both."

That was strange. After all, they had all participated in several disciplines in the past. In addition, Hyunjin wanted to swim in both the relay and the individual discipline. Somehow, Chan could not let go of the feeling that the younger one was gradually not even knowing what he was doing. But maybe he judged too quickly.

Breaststroke was the next discipline. Hyunjin took first place in his round and thus qualified for the final.

His friends screamed down at him from the stands, trumpeted furiously and waved the banner (they easily outdid the cheering of other schools).

Then it was the turn of the butterfly category. Felix was visibly nervous, as Chan could even watch from here how his small hands clasped together for a short prayer. He leaned forward and shouted: "You got this! Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!"

Felix looked up in surprise and smiled brighter than the sun. He nodded and finally stood on the starting block.

As he swam, his nervousness apparently evaporated as he raged like a tsunami. He finished in second place, but only just closely behind the first. Exulting, he thrusted his fists in the air and looked proudly at his time, which was written on the table.

Chan leaned forward even further to watch better, but Matthew held him back by the waist.

"Don't be too hasty or you'll fall," he laughed.

Felix swam both the 100-meter and the 200-meter-freestyle.

"I hope that's not too much for him," Jisung mumbled worried, "But he really wanted to take part in all the disciplines."

"There are actually enough breaks in between," Chan reassured him, "Besides, he won't swim the relay today."

Felix had worked hard on his freestyle and qualified with the second place in the 100-meter-swim and with third place just barely for the 200-meter-swim in the final.

After that, there was a longer break before the different relays should take place.

"Let's go outside to meet the others," suggested Youngjae.

Chan stayed at the railing for a while and looked at the pool. He would like to jump into the water himself. He sighed wistfully and rested his chin on his hands.

"You miss it too much." Matthew stood next to him and looked down. He ran his hand through Chan's hair. "You smell like nothing today."

“Yes. If I'm capable of suppressing my pheromones, then I'll do it."

“It's amazing how quickly you learned that. I still can't really do that."

Chan straightened up and turned to Matthew. “Because you don't have to either,” he stated, “Why should you suppress your pheromones? Nobody would harass you for smelling like an Alpha." He turned his head away. "I'm sick of it."

Matthew looked at him thoughtfully. "If you wear a collar, you don't have to suppress your pheromones anymore," he said gently and brushed a curl behind Chan's ear. (Chan had noticed that he always did this when he wanted to be extra careful.)

"But I don't really want to wear the collar," muttered Chan.

“Is it that bad?"

Yes and no. Chan kept swaying forth and back, afraid that he would end up tricking himself. What if he accepted the collar without _accepting_ it? A horror scenario. That would only prove once again that all these social constructions worked.

"Minho mustn’t smell me anyway," mumbled Chan.

“Why though? I thought you wanted to tell the others. Why not today?"

Chan looked at him perplexed. “What?"

"I don't understand anymore what difference it should make." Matthew took Chan's shoulders. “Please. At least tell our friends."

Chan chewed his lower lip. Was he ready for it? He really did not know. Undecided, he shrugged his shoulders and clung to the railing.

“It’d be easier. At least a little." Matthew stroked Chan's shoulder. "You’re okay with it now, right?"

Chan looked at him a little helplessly. “I guess? No idea. I wish it didn't matter that much."

"Then tell them and it won't matter much anymore."

Unfortunately, Chan could no longer argue against it either.

* * *

The relay had gone pretty well, which was why the Hanju swim team was able to qualify for the finals in that category too. So the rate was very good. Mrs. Jo was obviously really proud and satisfied.

The way back was much more relaxed.

Since Changbin was still angry with himself Chan sat next to him and tried to cheer him up, which worked halfway. They listened to music together, chatted and cracked silly jokes.

When they got back to school, it was late afternoon.

“Have a good rest. You deserve it,” said Ms. Jo, “Come home safely!”

Everyone said goodbye before they were about to part ways.

Before Chan's friends left, however, Chan intervened: “Wait! I ... "

Everyone looked at him in surprise.

“Don't we want to do something together? You’re qualified for the final. We have to celebrate that,” said Chan, “Let's have something to eat. I’ll pay."

His mother was incredibly happy that he accompanied the team to the tournament. So she had given him money and said he should go out with them afterwards so that he could spend a little more time with them. After all, he had not seen many of his friends during the suspension.

"Well, how can I say no to that?", Minho replied with a grin.

The others also agreed. So they went downtown and chose a café where they ordered cocoa and cake.

Chan was visibly nervous and kept sliding back and forth on the bench until Matthew held him still. Although his stomach was turning itself several times, he managed a smile as soon as he looked at the other.

Maybe he should take his whole life with a little more humour. So he created a thought experiment: Chan did not actually exist. Rather, it was a brain in a tank and scientists could see the self-produced life on the screen, which in the end did not exist. And he would only find out when he "died". So the worries he was having did not really matter.

The idea was so bizarre that it helped him to stay a little more relaxed.

"Man, Changbin, don't be so angry," Jisung consoled him, "You still swam great."

"Jinyoung should’ve been swimming instead of me," Changbin grumbled.

"But otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten any further with the relay," objected Hyunjin and ate his piece of cake in peace.

"You’re really strange today," said Changbin and crossed his arms, "I don't know you."

"Today is a strange day in general," muttered Hyunjin and scratched his head, "I'm just glad we even qualified for the final in most of the categories."

“And it won't take place until January. So we still have enough time to train,” Felix encouraged the others.

Changbin immediately shook his head. “When the Christmas season comes, it's pure stress."

Thereupon Chan stepped in: “Even if: You’ve come this far. So you can be proud of yourself. You’ll take care of the finale when the time’s right."

That actually took the tension out of the conversation. In the end, whining did not help.

So far, Chan had barely touched his cake, otherwise he would have the feeling of bursting. So he cleared his throat to get the others’ attention. “Guys, I didn't invite you just to celebrate. I have to tell you something." Towards the end his voice died away and he coughed lightly, embarrassed that he was already lacking courage. He rocked restlessly back and forth.

The others looked at him expectantly, obviously surprised that he wanted to get rid of something. Changbin had already put on a meaningful look, but he did not dare to utter a peep.

Chan glanced at Matthew in uncertainty, but the other nodded encouragingly.

Chan closed his eyes for a moment and then dropped his head. He could not chicken out again. He had come this far now. After all the risk he had taken, there was no way he could be afraid of such a shoddy confession. However, he expected that it could completely change his life again.

"I wanted to apologize," he continued slowly and lifted his head again. He swallowed hard. "I've lied to most of you all along."

"What do you mean by that?", asked Hyunjin, whereupon Seungmin hit his head.

"Now let him finish."

Chan chewed his lower lip and grabbed the edge of the table. He took a deep breath and shrugged his shoulders. “It's really complicated and I can't explain it all right now. That's why I’ll start simply." If only it were really that simple.

"My status ... I already know it."

Jeongin's jaw dropped, Felix's fork fell out of his mouth, Jisung choked on his drink, Minho raised his eyebrows suspiciously, Hyunjin gasped for breath and even Seungmin showed an obvious surprise on his face.

Now there was really no turning back. So Chan counted to three internally and then just dropped the bomb:

"I’m an Omega."

The silence which followed was more devout than praying in church. Chan could have heard a fluff of dust falling.

His friends sat frozen at the table and stared at him.

Changbin nodded at him with a smile while Matthew squeezed his hand. But Chan hardly noticed. His heart pounded like a hundred drums in his ears and his knees trembled on beat with it.

"This is a joke, isn't it?", Hyunjin uttered at some point.

"Wow, someone was _clearly_ wrong with his prognosis."

Chan did not know how Jeongin could make a joke directly afterwards, but he had to start crying and laughing at the same time. On the one hand because he was so relieved and confused, on the other hand because he found Hyunjin's face hilarious.

“For real? You’re an Omega?”, Jisung said, shaking the table in excitement so that the dishes clanked.

"I think I’m going to fucking faint," Felix said and first checked the pulse on his neck.

"That’s no joke, right?" Minho asked sharply.

Chan shook his head. "The tattoo’s here." He pointed to the spot over the fabric of his shirt. "That's why I've been able to hide it so far." His friends continued to react like snails, so he dug out his wallet and put his ID on the table.

Simultaneously the boys leaned over the table. The Omega symbol was shown clearly and in shimmering blue next to the category “status”.

"Since whe... How long have you known?", Minho asked haltingly.

“I did a test just before my birthday. The tattoo came exactly on the day I turned 17,” answered Chan, wiping his wet cheeks.

"Sick," Jeongin commented, "That’s way too sick."

"And ... And Matt’s an Alpha," Hyunjin muttered and touched his forehead. He leaned back and took a deep breath. “Is that why you didn't want to be a captain anymore? Seriously?" He slapped his hand on the table and almost everyone winced. "You left this responsibility to me because you were afraid of what others would think of you?"

Chan rubbed the back of his neck and looked down in shame. “I can understand that you're mad. But at that point I had too many problems."

"What problems?", asked Hyunjin, "And don't you dare to lie again!"

"Hyunjin, calm down now", Seungmin said almost annoyed and pulled the other back by the hem, "Because of you, Chan will cry again."

And unfortunately that was not a lie. Chan really wanted to start crying again. Almost exactly that was how he had imagined this “outing”. Of course, he met incomprehension and disbelief. He could not blame anyone for that. Still he pulled himself together.

“My family had to come to terms with it first. _I_ had to come to terms with it. Jun found out that I am an Omega. I had no other choice but to stay out of everything as much as possible, otherwise he would only have exposed me,” he gushed out, “And surprise! My relationship with Matthew wasn't easy either!" He gasped frantically and grabbed his contracting chest. His heart protested against the excitement which was building up inside him. He could no longer have a clear thought and realized that he was no longer getting enough oxygen down his lungs.

"Shh, calm down," Matthew said worriedly. He held Chan tight and finally pulled him close.

But the younger one did not respond to the remark at all. "When I said that I was sick and could no longer take part in the swim team, it wasn't even a lie," he muttered in a choked voice, "I can no longer balance all the responsibilities. It was about limiting damage. I didn't know any better, but I know that it wasn't right to abandon you and nothing in the world will ever make it right."

Now the silence returned.

Chan should be relieved now that everything was out now, or at least the most difficult part. But he felt miserable. Had it even helped to confess? He had not felt so ridiculous in a long time.

Felix seemed to realize something. "You wanted to tell me that when I was visiting you." Startled, he gasped for air.

Chan could not reply verbally, so he just nodded very slightly.

“But ... if you needed help, you could have come to us sooner. It doesn't matter that you're an Omega."

Now Chan buried his face in his hands. Of course it did matter. Otherwise there would be no such a confession. And he was ashamed of every single word.

"That's why you shouldn't have left all of your positions," continued Felix, "If people had said something stupid, we would’ve defended you."

"Damn right," Hyunjin grumbled. He was still pissed off, but obviously he did not want to take that anger out on anyone anymore.

Chan looked up and sniffed. He was about to say something when he held his head. The pain almost split open his skull.

"Chan, are you all right?" Jisung asked immediately, worried.

“You already had that this morning,” said Matthew, “Did you forget to take your pills? Where are they?" He felt Chan's jacket pocket. He knew that his boyfriend was now keeping his medication in a little jar. When he got hold of it, he pulled it out and shook it. He frowned in confusion. "It’s empty." He looked at Chan with furrowed eyebrows. "You didn't swallow all of them today, did you?"

Chan took the jar from him without answering. “I'm going home." He stood up with shaky legs.

“Oh, no, no. You stay here,” Changbin stepped in.

“No! Leave me alone! All of you!”, Chan said. Suddenly his friends seemed so unapproachable that he just did not want to have anything to do with them.

“No, Chan. Stay here”, pleaded Seungmin.

Matthew got up and held Chan tight. "I can take you home," he whispered to him.

It had been long since the term “home” sounded so tempting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! One more chapter and then we're through Chan's suspension. And we're about to hit 200k words lsidhfsldifh I'm kinda excited about this. 
> 
> Hope that you're fine! Take care of yourself and we'll see each other very soon~


	54. "He tried to dominate you!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> Mentions of self-harm in this chapter. Not too heavy, but keep track of your mental state.
> 
> Stay safe.

When Chan's mother received him at home late on Saturday afternoon, she spontaneously sent him to Doctor Lim (who practically lived in her doctor's office).

She almost had collapsed because she could not believe that Chan had used up his pills _again_. After telling him that he should only consume the prescribed amount, she gave him a new prescription. She had now reduced the pills hoping that Chan could gradually stop taking them. He should then be prescribed new medication by his therapist.

“Try meditation or yoga to calm yourself down. Don't you like to do fitness? Then you can join a Pilates class and not lift heavy weights all the time," she suggested, "Or draw something. Or bake a cake. But gosh, Chan, please don't swallow whole packs of tranquilizers.”

So Chan had decided to bake something for Sunday. While scrolling through recipes, he spoke to Hyunjin on the phone. The younger had called him spontaneously earlier with the statement that he wanted to clarify some issues. Chan would have liked to instinctively hang up, but the thought had appeared to him as far too unfair.

"So all the problems you have come from being an Omega?", Hyunjin assured himself.

“Yes and no," Chan mumbled while weighing flour, “It's very complicated ... But yeah, at first I was just embarrassed that I have this status. And then my dad wasn't very happy about it either and ... I don't know. "

A heavy sigh could be heard. "Well, from tomorrow you’ll be back at school and everything will be different."

Chan frowned in confusion. "Why that?"

"Felix and Changbin told you what was going on there, didn't they?", replied Hyunijn.

"Uhm, yes. Sure."

"Well. Then it will be different. Count on that."

Chan did not know if the statement should be empowering or threatening, but he did not dare to ask. The confession had drained him enough already, so he did not want to stress himself any further.

After a few contentions, be it because a couple of his friends had stopped by or texted him, Chan had come to the conclusion that he should definitely stick to his group. Even if it was difficult and even everyone had many questions, he had the feeling that the work would be worth it.

"I have to hang up now. I haven't done math yet," said Hyunjin, "And Hyung, I'm sorry about yesterday."

“You had the right to be mad. I didn't realize how difficult it's actually for you to be captain. Sometimes I forget that you're still so young."

Hyunjin seemed hesitant as he was just breathing hard into the phone. "Do you know how I get through all of this?" A meaningful pause. "I hope that you’ll come back sometime and that I don't have to do this forever." With that he hung up.

"He really is a drama queen," Chan muttered, adding baking powder to the flour. He was cracking the eggs until the doorbell rang suddenly. Annoyed, he groaned and put the mixer down. Could he not even enjoy a Sunday in peace and quiescence?

A little grumpy, he stomped to the door and opened it. To his surprise Matthew stood in front of him. "What are you doing here?", he questioned, perplexed.

"Nice to see you too." Matthew blinked and x-rayed Chan before smiling. "Cute outfit."

Chan looked down at himself and lifted the apron which was printed by flowers. "There was no other," he said and now rolled his eyes, a little amused. He stepped aside and let Matthew into the house. "What are you doing here?", he repeated his question.

“Had my last theory lesson. So I wanted to use that little break to see you," explained Matthew and took off his jacket to hang it up, "Are you here alone?"

“No, Lucas is sleeping in his room. But Hannah is with Yiren, my mother is visiting a friend and my father had to go to an emergency meeting for the hotel he wants to build,” Chan responded and entered the kitchen. He continued his activity and mixed the butter with the eggs before sifting the flour with the baking powder. "And have you already studied for the theory exam?"

"A little bit. It'll be okay," said Matthew and sat down on one of the highschairs behind the kitchen counter which stood across the rest of the work surfaces.

Chan tipped the grated vanilla pod into the batter and then filled the baking tin, which he then placed into the preheated oven. Finally he leaned against the kitchen counter and let out a long breath. "What?" he asked when he realized Matthew was staring at him.

It also took a little longer for the other to answer. "Nothing. You just look good when you bake."

"Like an obedient Omega?", Chan teased him, "Probably riles you up big time." He tossed the kitchen towel over his shoulder and posed ridiculously before throwing the cloth into Matthew's face.

Matthew caught it. "How can you say something like that if you almost had an absolute breakdown yesterday?"

Chan shrugged his shoulders, a little indifferent. "I think I have to take everything with a little more humour, hm?" He twirled a curl around his finger thoughtfully. "I have no idea what to do with my life, but hey, it'll be fine." He smiled agonized and cleaned up the kitchen a bit before pouring the cream into a bowl to mix it.

"You never told me you took your pills irregularly," Matthew said after some time.

"I also never told you that I was at the hospital," admitted Chan, boiling raspberries.

"You ... you were?"

Chan nodded, then pushed the hot raspberries through a sieve and let the red liquid cool down. “You don't have to know every little thing about me. I don't know everything about you either." He stood in front of Matthew and put both arms on the counter.

"Okay, ask me something then," suggested Matthew enthusiastically and clapped his hands excitedly (sometimes he really was a giant baby).

Chan rolled his eyes and smiled. "That doesn't help that much."

"Yeah, but I feel like I haven't paid you enough attention lately. So if you want to know something, ask me."

“You're not my babysitter. I'm a big boy already." Chan demonstratively flexed his (by the way, quite impressive) biceps and then tapped Matthew's nose. "Don't worry too much about me."

"But I think a lot about you."

"I'm of course delighted immeasurably, my love." Chan turned back and added the cooled raspberry juice to the cream. He refined the whole mixture with powdered sugar and stirred it a few times. Then he put the bowl in the refrigerator.

“I just don't know where our relationship is going. Somehow everyone does their own thing," Matthew said gently.

Chan turned slowly to face him, a slightly hurt look on his face. "You just sounded so sweet and now it seems like you are about to break up," he said.

"What? No, nonsense." Matthew shook his head. "I just think we have to find a common rhythm." He circuited the kitchen counter and then took Chan's hands before dancing around the room with him, a bit stupidly.

"Hopefully that'll be a bit more coordinated, don’t you think?", Chan replied mockingly and put both arms around Matthew's neck, "You're the one who's living your life busy right now. Getting your driver's license, going to work, meeting new friends ... I saw in your Insta story that you were out with Somin and another girl." 

“Somin and Joan were just nearby the flower shop. It was spontaneous."

"Joan?"

“My neighbor,” Matthew replied, “She lives in the building next to my home's."

Chan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Dude, I know you since kindergarten and you never told me about her."

Matthew scratched his head. “I’ve never really had much contact with her either. In the last two weeks we went to school together a couple of times. She thought the Open House campaign was cool and originally just wanted to ask about you. But since then we've been talking to each other more."

Chan tapped his chin thoughtfully and frowned. "I think I’ve heard her name though," he muttered, "She's going to the English course with you, right?"

Matthew looked at him in amazement. "How the hell do you remember something like that?"

Chan shrugged his shoulders slightly. “I just hear the guys talking. She's pretty popular." As far as he could tell, Joan was the kind of girl who liked to do her nails and make-up. He had no idea what her character was like, but she certainly looked very pretty.

"Wow, I'm not watching my boyfriend for two weeks and he's already swarmed by hot girls," Chan teased him, even if he felt a stab in his chest.

Yes, he had been approached by stupid Alphas all the time, but the fact that people gathered around Matthew made him pensive. Especially since it had only been developing like this since he stopped hanging out with Stray Kids all the time. What if Chan was holding back Matthew's potential? He felt his eyes burn, but he bravely held back the tears. Why was he surprised that Matthew was able to make new friends and be adored by people? He was charming, funny, ridiculously nice, tall and handsome. Maybe it was egoistic of Chan to keep him for himself.

Matthew furrowed his eyebrows. "Hey, I'm sorry, okay? I should’ve used the rest of my free time to see you," he apologized, running his thumb over Chan's cheek, "It was just ... I didn't think about it. I think it's just unfamiliar for people to speak to me so openly. I don't want to neglect them, okay?"

Chan leaned against Matthew. "You don't have to apologize. It's exhausting to spend time with me. I know that. I know that I can be a burden." Towards the end his voice grew quieter. He looked up and stood on his tiptoes to reach Matthew's face. "I'm just glad that you even show up at my place, even though you have to bear with so much shit of mine," he breathed, "And I'm grateful that you're trying your best."

Matthew let out a rattling breath and shrugged his eyebrows before he gave Chan an unusually rough shove on the shoulder.

"What is it?" Chan looked at him irritated. Had he said something wrong?

"Nothing. It's just ... God, Chan." Matthew put his hand over his nose. "Your scent is really, _really_ strong today." He closed his eyes. He had already noticed the intense smell when Chan had opened the door. At first he had not wanted to comment on that, but to have the other so close to him now tensed his nerves to the purest torture.

“Oh," Chan said, “Sorry. I have to acclimatise again. I was suppressing my pheromones the whole time yesterday, that's why ... ” He needed some kind of balance. Since he had not expected any visitors, his pheromones spread all over the room like they wanted to. It was a bit like Chan walking around naked. Quite liberating, but a little embarrassing in the current situation.

The oven beeped, so Chan hurried to get the cake out. He placed it on a grid so that it could cool down. “We could ventilate for a moment,” he offered and opened the window, as Matthew looked quite worn out, “Or I'll have a quick shower. Then it might get better."

Matthew was now clutching the kitchen counter. "No, it's fine ... it's fine," he muttered and took a deep breath.

The desperate sight was new to Chan and he hesitantly approached the other. "You look completely exhausted," he stated and carefully grabbed his shoulder.

"Yeah, sure. I've rarely seen you the past two weeks and now I'm completely overwhelmed by your scent," said Matthew sharply, but laughed, even if he was still tense.

"Your fault," Chan teased, turned away and cut the cake in three layers.

"You really can't stop it, huh?"

"Never." Chan took the bowl out of the refrigerator and gradually layered the cake in the metal ring he had placed around the biscuit. Then he cooled the cake tower in the fridge.

"You look like a professional."

“My mother used to bake a lot during her pregnancy. I helped sometimes," said Chan. He traced the edge of the bowl with his index finger and then licked it. He was happy with the taste. He ate the rest of the raspberry cream with relish and looked at Matthew.

"I really hate it when you do that."

"Are you sure about that?", Chan replied and put the bowl down. He patted Matthew's chest and leaned forward.

"Yeah, Omegas aren't that bratty."

“Most of them aren't,” Chan corrected, “but I can also imagine that there are very quiet Alphas. You are also of the tame kind." He kissed Matthew's cheek and pressed his boy against him.

"Chan ... your pheromones."

"I'm constantly exposed to yours, too," Chan justified himself and tipped his head back a little to grin at him. However, he did notice that Matthew was really tense. He let go and frowned. "Hey, are you okay?"

Matthew let out a long breath and finally nodded. "Hmh, yeah. Just give me a moment."

"Wow, it's really a pain to be my boyfriend, isn't it?" Chan ran a loving hand through Matthew's hair and smiled.

"Then I'm happy to be a masochist."

Chan purred at that. "Not Alpha-like at all."

"And you aren't Omega-like at all."

"How nice that we meet on a similar level." With that comment, Chan closed Matthew's open mouth and kissed him very tenderly.

The gesture was reciprocated surprisingly stormy when the other person grabbed him by the hip and pulled him closer. Matthew slipped his tongue greedily between Chan's lips, feeling every inch.

Chan winced in surprise and braced himself against him. "Slowly," he said with a hoarse laugh as Matthew got off the stool and buried his nose in Chan's top.

The large, warm hands searched under Chan's sweater and touched the soft skin before they found their resting place on the back. As if he had lost all inhibitions, he pressed his knee between Chan's legs and held him tight.

Chan was so overwhelmed that he choked on the next words, especially since Matthew did not give him the chance to say anything anyway. He sucked on Chan's tongue, sometimes even poking his teeth and moving his lips feverishly, almost uncoordinated.

Since Chan was wearing sweatpants, it was not difficult to slip under the waistband. Only when Matthew ran his backside and pressed his fingers through the boxer shorts between his cheeks, Chan protested: "Stop it!" He grabbed Matthew's wrist and looked breathlessly at the other person.

"What? You provoked me."

“Yes, but provocation is provocation. This is different right now," complained Chan. His lips were already red and swollen.

Matthew could not get enough of the view because he had not kissed Chan too much, but the other was so sensitive to it. Normally he would let go of him now, but this time he pushed him against the kitchen counter. "And what is that in your opinion?"

Chan thought about it. "Power struggle?"

"Exactly." Matthew grabbed Chan's warm neck. The gentle chucking contrasted with his penetrating gaze. “But who's in power is out of the question, right? Now suck me off or I'm going to explode.”

Chan wanted to laugh at the remark, but Matthew's voice barely left room for it. So he knelt down and fiddled with the other boy's waistband, his hands trembling with anticipation. As he opened the zipper, Matthew caught his hand.

"That's okay right now, isn't it?", he asked gently.

Chan nodded vigorously, pushed his hands away and ran his tongue over his lips as they were quite dry. In the rush it looked all the more impatient that Matthew had to laugh softly.

He pulled down the pants and pressed his plush mouth against the outline of Matthew's hard-on. His tongue ran in circles over it before he started sucking at the fabric. 

Matthew hissed and grabbed Chan's curls, tugging them slightly. He cooed at the clumsiness of the other as Chan struggled with pulling down the underwear with one hand.

His other hand pushed the apron aside to reveal the bulge forming in his sweatpants. Shamelessly he began palming himself and moaned slightly as his tongue pushed against Matthew's crotch. 

The sight stirred something uncontrollable in Matthew. He was nearly frustrated that he could not just sneak his wide hand between Chan's small thighs to help him.

Chan opened his mouth wistfully as he grabbed the waistband of Matthew's boxers. 

"Don't be too impatient," Matthew tried to calm him down and held Chan back, because he had started to shake quite hard. 

"Don't want to," Chan whined, " _Please_ , just let me. Fuck my mouth if you want to, but shit-"

Astonished, because Chan had straight up _begged,_ Matthew held his breath. He clasped both of his hands around his head.

Chan was about to strip his underwear down. He did not get far, however, because he heard the front door closing.

The two froze like two deer in the light of a car's headlights. The way from the hall to the kitchen was not far, so Matthew could barely zip up his pants again, while Chan raised from the floor shakily.

Without further ado the door opened.

"Dad, your meeting?!", Chan squealed.

His father stood in the doorway and watched the scene before snorting. He looked hostile at Matthew and grumbled, “Get out of my kitchen. Now."

Matthew bowed apologetically and basically stumbled past Doowon while somehow collecting his things on the way.

Then one heard the door slam a second time.

Chan rolled his eyes in annoyance. "That was so embarrassing of you."

"So what?" His father put his bag on the kitchen stool. "That's exactly what I meant: Alphas are looking for power and control."

"But that ... that's not the same!", Chan complained with red ears and meanwhile folded his apron.

“He tried to dominate you!", his father defended himself.

"But-" Chan broke off and gave a desperate half-scream. He walked to the kitchen table and looked in the pile of paper before selecting a sheet and then knocking it in front of his father's nose. “Here, a therapy offer for you. The guy also provides meetings on Sundays. Technically you have no excuse."

His father looked at the piece of paper, puzzled. "You cannot be serious."

"This is blood-red dead serious for me, dad." Chan looked at him with determined eyes. "Whatever your problem is: I don't want to watch you break apart because of it."

His father pulled the paper closer and frowned. "Mom didn't put the idea in your head, did she?"

Chan immediately shook his head.

"I know you mean it well, but I don't think that's necessary."

Chan sighed in frustration. “It's totally necessary”, he added emphatically, “If you need help, then you just get some. Do you think I enjoy going to the sessions? But it works. At least once you've found a good therapist." He crossed his arms. “At least read it through. If you're brave enough." And with that he left the kitchen and stormed into his room to drown the embarrassment in his nests.

Then he caught a few moments with Matthew again, just for something like that to happen. What a bullshit.

He locked the door, leaned against it, and took a few deep breaths. Eventually, he decided to apply ointment to his cuts. Sometimes he would scratch them again because they itched too much. Somehow he did not want them to heal either. He did not want to feel like his problems were going away just like this. However, he paused when he saw a figure sitting in front of his window.

A grinning Matthew crouched on the canopy and knocked at the glass gently.

Shaking his head, but with a grin, Chan climbed onto his desk and opened the window. "I must have a very persistent visitor."

"You can say that so." Matthew swung past Chan elegantly and brushed imaginary dust from his clothes. "In any case, we now have confirmation that your father really doesn't like me."

"He's trying to be better." At least Chan liked to believe in it. He turned to Matthew on the tabletop and rested his palms on the wood. "So."

"So," repeated Matthew, "What did you want to do?"

"Oh, um ... anoint my wounds," Chan mumbled embarrassed.

"Okay. Then let's do it." Matthew put his palms under Chan's thighs and lifted him up with almost ease.

Chan could feel his muscles very clearly. "How do you still find the time to hit the gym?", he asked, amazed and took hold of his broad arms.

"I just need the stress relief." Matthew put Chan down on the mattress and grabbed the tube from the bedside table. "And I still want to carry my wonderful, gorgeous, incomparable friend on my hands."

Chan laughed softly and heaved himself up to kiss Matthew gently.

"Oh, and I thought you were resisting now because you don't need someone to carry you," chuckled Matthew.

“I don't need someone to do that, that's true. But it's nice to be handled with care from time to time,” Chan said and stroked Matthew's hair.

The other then took off his pants in silence and slowly pushed the boxer shorts off his hips. He frowned. "Those cuts are new."

Chan sighed softly and rolled away from Matthew. "You’re welcome to yell at me."

"I don't want to." Matthew gently pushed him back and smeared the gel on his fingertips before covering the cuts with it.

Since Chan was already used to the tugging and burning sensation, he did not even twitch an eyelash. The ointment was absorbed pretty quickly and formed a small film on his skin so that he pulled up the boxers as soon as Matthew finished.

“Your door looks a bit different. Didn't you have a lock?", asked Matthew.

"Oh ... yeah, my dad took it out," admitted Chan. He would have lied impulsively, but why keep loading yourself up with unnecessary lies if you could be straightforward? "He installed the handle after a while because he didn't want me to lock myself in here."

"Then he could burst in here at any moment and catch us making out," joked Matthew. Then his expression turned serious. "But it's sick that he takes away your privacy."

Chan did not answer that and curled up in his nest.

"Chan."

"Yeah?"

Matthew hesitated. "Because of your nests ..."

Now Chan frowned. "What?"

"Can't you break them down now?" Matthew scratched his head. “Don't get me wrong: I think it's cute that you nest. But we've been together for a while. Actually, Omegas then no longer need nests."

Chan immediately glared at him. "Just let me." He demonstratively hugged a pillow and rolled away from Matthew.

That in turn elicited a sigh from the other. "Christopher."

"Jinseok," Chan mimicked him and looked at him from his blankets.

"You are insanely cheeky."

"Well, your bad luck, if you’re in a relationship with me," replied Chan and threw the blanket over Matthew. He got up and opened his closet to get some new sweatpants. The other one he had dirtied with flour while baking.

"Stop, wait a sec," Matthew commented and now also got up so he could take a look in Chan's closet. He ran his hands down the skirts, crop tops, and brightly coloured long-sleeved shirts. "I haven't even been able to admire your new collection."

"Some of my old clothes were too tight, so I made room for new ones," said Chan, putting on his pants.

"Would you wear any of these outside?", Matthew asked, pointing at the skirts. He nudged him with his hip, teasing. "Or for me?"

"Maybe sometime." Chan threw his back on the bed. "Right now I'm not in the mood."

Any Omega would enjoy entertaining their Alpha anytime, no matter how. Only to avoid being boring. But Chan was not a clown. Of course, he liked to do Matthew favours every now and then, but he was tired and stressed right now, mostly because he had to go back to school tomorrow.

"Tired?"

Chan hummed in confirmation and made space for the other. Finally, he placed his head on Matthew's chest and closed his eyes. For a while there was a pleasant silence between the two of them. Finally, Chan lifted his head slightly.

"You offered earlier that I could ask you anything."

Matthew nodded. "Did you think of something now?" He grinned.

Chan nodded. "You've never really explained to me why you have two Korean names."

"What? I have two Korean names? ”Matthew asked, played in shock, so Chan hit his chest.

"Yeah, stop fooling around, Woojin."

Matthew's eyes softened a little. "Nobody has called me that for a long time." He ran a hand through Chan's hair.

"Explain to me why. You keep evading the subject."

Matthew let out a long breath and frowned. He clicked his tongue softly before giving in. "Well, I offered it to you. Then I have to be responsible." He crossed his arms behind his head.

"So, Jinseok is my birth name. That’s also the name that’s on all that paperwork. The birth certificate, my ID, all that stuff. But then my grandma said: 'Jinseok? I don't like the name. I call you Woojin now.' At some point everyone in the family started calling me that. That was also the point where I felt kind of ... well, more Korean."

Matthew did not talk much about his grandma in general. It was clear to Chan that he loved her, but it was not a particularly happy topic. After all, his family had given up a lot to come to Korea and, above all, to give her psychological support.

So he did not even dare to interrupt the other.

"You probably remember the time when our friends tended to call me Woojin, right?"

Chan nodded. "Minho even called you 'Wooj'."

Matthew stared up at the ceiling and bit his lower lip. "Well, since my grandmother passed away, my parents haven't dared to call me that. Minho imitated that automatically, and so did the rest."

"Is that what you wanted?", Chan asked carefully.

Matthew smiled a bit bitterly and gave no definite answer. “I don't want to drag all those memories around with me so sadly. I really love my grandma, so the name's not forbidden. "

Chan took his hand and ran his thumb over it. "Which name do you like more?"

Matthew remained silent and just closed his eyes.

Chan lay down next to him carefully and buried his face in his shirt. He said nothing more, but to feel the other so close to him gave a certain comfort, at least for a short amount of time.

It was the first time Matthew had spoken openly about the subject. He got emotional quickly, but he was also reluctant about showing that side. Accordingly, he tended to withdraw to mourn. This conversation felt strangely heavy in the air, but at the same time Chan was grateful that he had been able to hear that insight.

"Woojin."

Chan lifted his head and looked into Matthew's face, even if the other's eyes were still closed. A smile appeared on the older boy's lips.

"I like Kim Woojin more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the fic reached 200k! 
> 
> Furthermore, this is the last chapter of Chan's suspension. And now the fun of this arc is about to start. I think we'll enjoy the next chapters a lot. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I hope that you have lovely holidays. Take care of courself, stay fuzzy and cozy and then we'll see each other hopefully very soon again!


	55. Update

It is break time. 

Yeah, that is pretty much it. 

Apparently, I cannot write this fic without being basically eaten away by my insecurities, because no matter how long I spend on pondering over this fic. I like it, but I somehow lost the connection, lost the chain of thoughts, lost the atmosphere. 

So for a few weeks I will work on smaller projects, focusing on developing ... I do not actually know, some sorts of skills to return to this back, I guess. A lot calmer, hopefully. Sadly I cannot update this fic that often and maintaining quality. I thought that I could, but that was probably arrogant or too ambitious. Therefore, I need to do that break, although I hate it. It should be no big deal, but for me it is. Every time I work on this it tears my heart apart and I cannot stand it longer. I always wanted to create something big, something beautiful to get invested in, however, right now it feels like I am not capable of it.

Thank you for still supporting this work and making it relevant despite being it pure chaos. I have never stated my feelings about the current state of my work, but it feels so messy and I keep screwing it up. I am sorry for that and I will try to do better. 

Stay safe, healthy and happy. Hopefully we will see each other soon!


End file.
